Weekend Update Archives - Page 63 of 72

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonalds logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s is reportedly creating a new slogan for next year. “Loving beats hating”. Which narrowly defeated their other option, “eat what this clown killed.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple CEO Tim Cook at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed Thursday that he is gay. He had another announcement that got dudes lotting up around the block for Cook. Prints, ladies and gentlemen.

[Picture changes a woman voting]

You know, this Tuesday are the midterm elections and I know a lot of people aren’t going to vote because they don’t follow politics. But that’s no excuse. I don’t know anything about politics. But last year I voted for mayor Bill de Blasio because I like his son’s Afro. And it counted just as much as a smart person’s. So, make sure you get out there and vote next Tuesday, or this Tuesday. Whatever, who cares? It’s the midterms. It’s not even important.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dunkin’ Donuts’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dunkin’ Donuts’ announced that it will soon release a croissant donut hybrid, but insisted that it will not be called a ‘cronut’. Instead, it will be called a ‘dobage’ which is combination of donut and garbage.

A new study suggest that men who had never had sex are twice s likely to develop prostate cancer as men who have had sex. Well, I’m sold. I’m gonna try sex.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a car with Starbucks logo on it at the right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has announced plans to test out a delivery service next year. The way it works is you place your order, then a Starbucks employee shows up and destroys your bathroom. It’s the other way around.

[Picture changed to a cup of coffee and few cats]

A new coffee shop has opened in California that allows customers to mingle with shelter cats. And to save everybody sometime, the owner just went ahead and named the coffe shop, “Grade F”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Utah at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Residents of St. George, Utah were upset about a new city ordinance that prohibits dancing events without a permit. [Picture changes to Kevin Bacon] “I’m on it”, said Kevin Bacon.

Weekend Update 1

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here, tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Maine and Kaci Hickoon left top corner.]

A judge in Maine on Friday ruled the nurse Kaci Hickox, who had been ordered to remain quarantined in her home after working with ebola patients in Africa is free to go any place she wants. Places like, “over there” and “further over there”. Hickox was reportedly so happy with the ruling that she started vomitting blood. Before the restrictions were lifted, Kaci Hickox openly violated quarantined orders Thursday by taking an hour long bike ride with her boyfriend. Said her boyfriend, “Help, she’s gaining on me!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of New York on right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York’s state has relaxed regulations on ebola aid workers returning from Africa, now allowing them to quarantine themselves at their homes. “Wait, what?” said their roommates.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

Pope Francis said this week that the theory of evolution and the big bang theory do not contradict the existence of god. Man, I love this Pope. Everything he says sounds like he just got high for the first time. And I like that he doesn’t drive around in that goofy Pope mobile like he’s the dice in that game trouble. He knows god is protecting him. All those other Popes were hiding behind plexiglass like they were selling chicken in the bad neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tim Hudson on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: San Francisco Giant’s pitcher Tim Hudson became the oldest world series game sever starter ever at the age of 39. Hudson was pulled during the second inning at the age of 41.

Weekend Update: Christmas Joke Swap 2019

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his neews set. There’s a picture of a live performance on left top corner]

Colin Jost: The singer, Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie Cats said the film makers digitally edited out his bulge. Even stranger, they edited it on to Judy Dench.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Wars logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new Star Wars surprised fans by featuring the the gay kiss, which seems pretty tame considering the first movie had incest.

[Cut to Colin Jost There’s a picture of JetBlue airplane on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in California was kicked off a jet blue flight after bringing his pet possum on to the plane. [picture changes to Spirit airlines] While at spirit airlines, that’s what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Merriam-Webster page at right top corner]

Michael Che: Merriam-Webster announced the gender neutral pronounce they is the word of the year. As in ‘they’ don’t want me to make a joke about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Tonight is our Christmas show. We have a tradition where Che and I like to give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Yeah. We’re making each other read the jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea this year is to make it fun and not try on ruin anyone’s career or get them stabbed on the subway or back stage at the Eddie Murphy show.

Michael Che: We’ll see what happens. You go first.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pete Buttigieg at left top corner.]

Recent polls showed that Pete Buttigieg has only 4% support among African-Americans but that will I can change once Pete announces his running mate, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Andrew and Jefrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow! A new interview with England’s prince Andrew is being called a total disaster after he said his friend Jeffrey Epstein conducted himself in a manner unbecoming. I don’t know. What I’ve read, it sounded like he be coming all the time. Well. That was terrible.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Babe Ruth swinging the baseball bat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home run was auctioned off this week. Also I’ll be auctioning off the bat I used to keep m neighborhood white.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Researchers are testing a new method to treat cancer by inject the cells with the herpes virus. So good news if you’ve ever had sex with me, you might have been cured for cancer. Oh, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a butterfly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay. it says time-out. I refuse to read this last joke. Not because it’s racist but because there is a black man holding my cue card. [Michael Che laughing] I confess, I can’t work like this. Merry Christmas home boy. You’re fired.

Michael Che: You fired man on Christmas, Colin!

[Colin Jost laughing]

Weekend Update: Gumby Returns

Colin Jost

Gumby… Eddie Murphy

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Meanwhile, senator Mitch McConnell fresh off his cameo in the new Star Wars movie, he responded to Pelosi’s delay in sending the articles of impeachment saying, “Hey, fine with me.”

Gumby: Hold, stop the press right now.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

[Gumby walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Gumby: What the hell is going on here? Give me a chair. I wanna sit down here, you bastard.

Colin Jost: Ladies and gentlemen, its Gumby!

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: They know who the hell it is. I am Gumby, dammit!

[Cut to Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What are you doing here?

Gumby: What am I doing here? The question, Michael Che, is how the hell are you going to put on a show and not have me in the show until now? I should have been in the every damn sketch from the top. [Cut to Gumby] I am the one that made Eddie Murphy a star. He was just a regular corn boy till I saw him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby, and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, we just thought people wouldn’t know who you were.

Gumby: How the hell are people not gonna know who I am? I am Gumby, dammit! [Cut to Gumby] Let me tell you something. I saved this damn show from the gutter. And this is the thanks that I get for saving the show? Shame on you Lorne Michaels. Shame on you NBC. Shame on you.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Alrignt. Gumby, just calm down.

Gumby: Don’t tell me to calm down, trailer boy. [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Gumby] I got to listen to this black bastard telling me that people won’t remember who I am? Do you know why you two are behind this desk? Because your jokes don’t have legs, you Schmucks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I pass kidney stones with more personality than the two of you.

Michael Che: That’s a little rude.

Gumby: Face it, kid. Both of you together couldn’t Velcro my sneakers.

Michael Che: Well, you’re not exactly a Christmas character.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: What the hell do you mean I’m not a Christmas character? Look at me! I’m green. I’m green and all the children love me. The kids love me. I’m a Christmas character, you jerk.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che. Gumby had a cigar in his hand.]

Colin Jost: Hey, Gumby. I just want to point out. You’re not allowed–

Gumby: Give me a match, I want to smoke this cigar.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.

Gumby: Don’t tell me not to smoke, headshot. [Cut to Gumby] I do what I want to do. I am Gumby, dammit. I am Gumby. I want to smoke a Cigar, I smoke a cigar. [Cut top Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che] I smoke a cigar!

Michael Che: What about your horse, pokey?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: You have the nerve to sit there and bring up the name pokey? He’s in the glue factory for all I care. I don’t believe this. I make my triumph of return, and you’re talking about a can of dog food? How did you even get this job? What? You win a radio contest or something?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I guess you’re not enjoying the show then, huh?

Gumby: No, that’s not true. I did enjoy some of the show. I liked that sing– What’s the tush.

Colin Jost: You mean Lizzo.

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: Yeah, That Libbo who, huzza, buzza, pubba. I like her. She’s a real beauty. And you know, colored girls don’t usually do that for me.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby. That’s extremely prejudice.

Gumby: Hey! Don’t you try to make me out to be a racist, Che. You black bastard. I am, Gumby.

Michael Che: So you want to stay out here or what?

[Cut to Gumby]

Gumby: No. I have to get going. It’s too late now. You should have used me. You waste me. I’m going. I’m an old man. I got to get to bed because I got to get up early and take my morning dump.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Gumby and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Gumby, everybody!

Gumby: I am Gumby, and in the morning I take a dump.

Michael Che: I know.

Gumby: I am staying here. Don’t pack me you bastard, I’m staying. The people love to see me. All right, all right, I’ll go.

Colin Jost: Gumby, everyone!

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro on Fox News Handling Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now that president Trump has been impeached, his supporters on Fox news are pushing hard to dismiss it. Here to comment on that is Fox news personality Jeanine Pirro.

[cheers and applause]

[Jeanine Pirro joins in]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you Colin. What a wonderful time of year. To my Christian friends, I want to say, Merry Christmas. And to all of you Jewish and Muslim folks out there, I said Merry Christmas.

Colin Jost: Ms. Pirro, you don’t have to yell so loud. I’m right here.

Jeanine Pirro: Sorry Colin, [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] mama only speaks with the same volume as a woman who just lost her child at the mall of America. Casey! Casey!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hate to ask you this. but, are you drunk?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin please, I only had one glass of wine with dinner.

Colin Jost: Okay, and what did you have for dinner?

Jeanine Pirro: Two bottles of wine.

Colin Jost: See, that sounds like a lot.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I’ve been celebrating, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] Donald Trump has the deep state on the run. These FBI traitors thrive in the dark, but president Trump has turned on the lights and now they’re scattering like little cucarachas.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So you’re not at all worried this trial is going to hurt the president?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, please, Colin. Devin Nunes is going to give him hell. That’s Nunes. It’s Portuguese. That Portuguese is gonna blow the lead on this whole impeachment hoax. Oh, mama!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, Devin Nunes has been accused of meeting with Russian operatives.

Jeanine Pirro: What? Oh! Oh! [Jeanine Pirro pukes all over Colin Jost] Sorry. I’ve got a bit of a winter tickle in my throat. Oopsie daisy!

Colin Jost: A winter tickle? You threw up a gallon of wine.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, then I made some room for a little apertif.

Colin Jost: Oh, no! You’re going back to drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Don’t worry, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] It’s a little dessert wine. To celebrate the end of this impeachment which is only helping president Trump.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hate to point this out but Fox news’ own poll now says 54% now want president Trump impeached.

Jeanine Pirro: What? OH! OH! [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again] I’m so sorry. Winter cold. Let me get you a napkin. [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again]

Colin Jost: It’s in my mouth. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Jeanine Pirro: Merry Christmas!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now here to share his thoughts on historic impeachment hearings is Pete Davidson.

[cheers and applause]

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey Colin!

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? What’s your take on impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I just said that so you let met me come out here. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have no idea what’s going on. I’m still trying to get through the Irishman. By the time it’s over, I’m gonna need the anti-ageing technology. Hell!

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, nothing about impeachment?

Pete Davidson: Nothing.

Colin Jost: Well, are you dating anyone?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And it’s not fair, Colin. You get to data famous woman and everyone is delighted. [Cut to Pete Davidson ] But when I do it, the world wants to punch me in the throat. What did do I? If I’m your type of guy that your daughter or mother is into, then trust me, I’m the best case scenario. There are a million guys who look like me and I’m the only one with a job. It’s like me or Tyga. It’s hard to follow Gumby. I can’t believe you let me do this during the Eddie Murphy episode. So many fans being reminded why they stopped watching.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, a lot of people remember you as the youngest person since Eddie Murphy joined the cast.

Pete Davidson: Yeah! I wish they wouldn’t. It’s mean to Eddie. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There was a time where he had been in number one movie, show and song at the same time. I don’t think there was an episode where I was in both a live sketch and a video. You’re out there Colin, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]just rubbing elbows with the avengers. Elbows at the least. That’s my boy. That’s my boy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] When I’m done with the show, I’ll be sitting around waiting for Tash to retire. [Cut to Pete Davidson] “Hey kid, you want to see a fat kid mess up the national anthem?” [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Sorry. I don’t like that guy.

Colin Jost: Pete, what are you doing for the holidays?

Pete Davidson: Oh! I’m going on a little “vacation”.

Colin Jost: Why did you put in it quotes?

Pete Davidson: You know, [Cut to Pete Davidson] the kind of vacation where insurance pays for some of it and they take your phone and shoe laces and you have roommates but it still costs like Colin Jost00 grand.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hope you know a lot of people really care about you.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, sure.

Colin Jost: I’m serious. I bet if I read a random tweet right now, it would be super popular.

Pete Davidson: How much? I got 30 racks. Let’s do it.

Colin Jost: You have $30,000 on you?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What if Scarlett wants to go to lunch?

Colin Jost: Okay. I’m going to read the first tweet that I see here. A gentleman’s wager. Here’s the first one. “I don’t care if he’s crazy. I really love Pete Davidson.”

Pete Davidson: That’s nice. That makes me feel great. Let’s read one about you.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to do that.

Pete Davidson: No, I want to because you’re just the best. “Colin Jost is so handsome, he looks like he always gets the eight hours of sheep Pete Davidson desperately needs.:

Colin Jost: Trust me, people make fun of me a lot.

Pete Davidson: Nobody does. That’s crazy. I can only picture you having sex missionary, you know? But like, I picture it a lot.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Weekend Update: President Trump Gets Impeached

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

So on Wednesday the house voted to impeach president Trump. But Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves. And everyone is thinking, “Please, god, just let this end.” So basically, [Picture changes to cover picture of Cats movie] it’s “Cats.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

This impeachment is a huge historic moment. And you can tell that Trump really appreciates the gravity of the situation. Because this is what he said on the day he got impeached.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Remember the dishwasher? You press it, boom, there would be like an explosion. Five minutes later, you open it up, the steam pours out. Dishes. Now you press it Colin JostMichael Che times. Women tell me —

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Words that will echo through the ages. He’s the first president ever impeached in his first term and he launches into a rambling Yelp review of appliances. And then Trump got the crowd to do the weirdest call in response I’ve ever heard. Listen.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Sinks. Showers. What goes with a sink and a shower?

Crowd: Toilets!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: His crowd knew the answer was toilets. They were right because in a second later, he reviewed his strange feud with it flushing. Check this out.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on a podium.]

Donald Trump: Like Colin Jost0 times. Bam! Bam! Not me, of course. Not me. [Pointing at someone] You!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Some poor guy in the audience waited in line outdoors in Michigan in December to support the president. He gets inside and the president points to him, and he’s like “This guy destroys toilets.” But there was somehow an even lower point, which was when trump attacked a dead congressman, John Dingell and said he was looking up at us from hell. So obviously nobody is looking up at us from hell, because we’re already there.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Donald trump and Nancy Pelosi at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a letter of Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than those accused in a Salem Witch trials. You know, where they set women on fire for wearing pants. According to Donald Trump, impeachment is literally worse than that. I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap. I thought it would be fun like Tupac in 96′. This is more like Brittney in Michael Che007.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

The most interesting thing about this whole impeachment is Mike Pence, because if Trump’s out, he’s going to be the president. So, every time Trump is yelling on TV, like, “If you impeach me, it’s going to be a disaster”, Pence got to be thinking, “Well, I wouldn’t call it a disaster.” How does that not make him feel bad personally? That would be like if I tell Lorne, “You can’t fire me, then some racist would be doing Updates by himself.” [Cut to Colin Jost angrily looking at Michael Che]

[Michael Che laughing]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

Weekend Update: Trump Running While Impeached

[Starts with “Weekend Update” intro]

Announcer: It’s “Weekend Update” with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to “Weekend Update.” I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on left top corner.]

After yesterday’s vote approving articles of impeachment, president Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for re-election. Because only democrats could figure out a way to lost twice in the same year.

[Picture changes to Jerrold Nadler]

The judiciary committee chairman Jerrold Nadler, who was accidentally CGI’d to look both like Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro, appealed to republican’s on the committee saying, “When Trumps time is passed, how will you be remembered?” Remembered? I barely know who you are now, and I think you’re my congressman. I hate you break it to you but the only way Americans ever remember a congressman is if he sends someone a picture of his penis. And we only remember that, because his name was [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Weiner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump in right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump set personal record on Thursday when he reacted to impeachment news by posting more than 100 tweets, causing White House officials to ask, “Is everything okay in there, sir?” I don’t get why Trump is so worked up. I mean, it’s still going to take two-thirds of the senate to vote him out of office. And that’s not going to happen, because, well, take a look at the senate. I’d be like if Obama got voted out of office by the Wu-Tang clan.

But look on the bright side, democrats. Now you know, you can cheat. Why are you nerds still playing by the rules? Literally nothing matters anymore. Kamala dropped out, because she ran out of money. Rob a bank! Do you want this or not?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Manchin on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democratic senator Joe Manchin, who wants to you ‘Keep the change, you filthy animal’, said that he’s very much torn about the whether or not he would vote to remove Trump from office. Yeah, based on this photo I really don’t think he’s that torn. If you asked me to draw a Trump supporter from memory, this is what I would draw.

[Picture change sto Donald Trump]

Trump also announced his plan to sign executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both nationality and a race. So, now, if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and George Washington in right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new poll, 37% of republicans say that Donald Trump is a better president that George Washington. Now, okay. That sounds ridiculous. But then, I remembered George Washington owned slaves, so I guess I would say Trump is better than that? it’s just not a really fair comparison. Like, Colin, Colin. [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che] Okay. Who do you think is a better comedian? You or Bill Cosby?

Colin Jost: Okay. I see to your point. Thanks.

Michael Che: No, no, wait! Don, give me a split screen, please.

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do that.

[Cut to split screen with Colin Jost at the left and Bill Cosby at the right.]

Michael Che: Okay, audience. Who makes you happier? Bill Cosby or Colin Limbaugh Jost. It’s hard to say, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che.]

Colin Jost: Merry Christmas, Michael.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Greta Thunberg at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the cli–

Michael Che: The answer is Bill Cosby, by the way.

[Colin Jost laughts]

Colin Jost: After the climate change activist Greta Thunberg was named time’s person of the year, the Trump campaign posted a picture of Trump’s head pasted on Thunberg’s body. In case anyone wondered that would he look like if Donald Trump got that Al Roker surgery.

Weekend Update: Spelling Bee Shake-up

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of National Spelling Bee logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Script’s National Spelling Bee has announced the change to next year’s contest after this year’s Spelling Bee ended in 8 way tie. The new change? Knives!

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Harvey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reached a $25 million settlement with the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. But in order to get the money. The women have to grab it out of his bathrobe pocket.

[Picture changes to Vanna White]

For the first time in the history of “Wheel of fortune,” the game show was hosted by Vanna White. There were no survivors.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture IHOP building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IHOP was opened a new casual version of the restaurant called flip’d. Who hasn’t walked into a regular IHOP and thought, “Well, this is way too formal.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Hallmark logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The group 1 million moms boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax. If your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he already gay as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article.]

Colin Jost: Thousands of what are being called “Penis fish” are washing up on shore of a California beach. Not only that, one kid said he found one in his mother’s night stand.

Weekend Update: Chen Biao on the US-China Trade Deal

Michael Che

Chen Biao.. Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: On Friday, president Trump confirmed that he reached in an initial trade deal with China which many hopes signifies the end of the trade war. Here to comment is a Chinese trade representative, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

Chen Biao: Ay! Ai-ao-sys. [cheers and applause]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. I don’t speak Mandarin.

[Cut to Chen Biao]

Chen Biao: Oh! Ai-ao-sys in English means, Ay yo, sis! Good to be back, Che!