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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up II

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes faces ]

Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you’re calling? Don’t you feel dumb? You don’t know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don’t think you’re a moron.

Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you’re walking past the stores? “Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! [ lukewarm audience reaction ] Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.

Why is there no blue food? I can’t find blue food – I can’t find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what’s blue? There’s no blue! Oh, they say, “Blueberries!” Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There’s no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They’re keeping it from us!

I’ll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well.. if you take a lot of vitamins, and they’re not the kind that says “Joe’s Vitamins” on the side – the plain-looking vitamins – and you have a whole lot, and you don’t the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need – and they’re not marked. And the jar you put them in isn’t marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That’s why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!

The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it’s like Military Intelligence – the words don’t go together, man.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up I

…..George Carlin

George Carlin: [ mimes trumpet ]

How many of you have heard this in your home: “Where’s the good scissors? I can’t keep anything nice in this house.”

Here’s another thing you don’t hear at home, mostly guys say this: “Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!” “Which one?” “This week’s underwear.”

Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they’re dead yet? I can’t help it.

Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can’t do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. “Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!”

Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there’s always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]

What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around, that’s their job, man!

As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There’ll be lots of places later they’ll be searching us, but the airport is where they’re kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there’s no weapons. “Don’t want any weapons on the plane! you know.” They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: “No weapons! Let ’em on!” Yuo get on the plane, and you’re clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess’s head and threaten paper cuts! “Do what he says! Do what he says!”

Oh.. there’s a moment.. coming. There’s a moment coming, it’s.. it’s not here yet. It’s on the way.. It’s still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it’s gone, man. There’s no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can’t get anything together, we’ve got no time, huh?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Academy of Better Careers

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Woman … Gilda Radner
Salesman …Wendy Craig
Lecturer … George Coe
Instructor … Jane Curtin
Woman with book … Jacqueline Carlin

[Phone rings in someone’s home. A woman picks up.]

Woman: Hello?

[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]

Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call,you have qualified for a challenging new career thatcould earn you up to eighty dollars a day!

Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens withinterest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]

Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of latenight TV ads for so-called training schools hascreated a demand for skilled phone answerers to takecalls and write down messages? It’s true. Thecountless schools and institutions that teach youcomputer programming, motel management, airportsurveillance and diesel mechanics — to name but a few– desperately need operators to stand by at the endof their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads:Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company]– the Academy of Better Careers — offers you thechance to become one of these sought after, high paidstand-by operators.

[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full ofpeople practicing the fine art of picking up atelephone receiver and saying “Hello” — an instructorcoaches one of the students but the rest are on theirown, picking up receivers and putting them down.]

Salesman: You’ll learn the latest up to the minutephone answering techniques from our staff ofexperienced instructors.

[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads acolorful children’s book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND.It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone onthe cover.]

Salesman: You’ll explore the telephone — its past,its present — and even the amazing picture phones ofthe future.

[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses apointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which arelisted “AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS” such as CEYLON -94; CHAD – 235; CHILE – 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTARICA – 506.]

Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show youeverything you need to know to answer phonesprofessionally.

Lecturer: Ceylon – nine, four. Chad…

[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone,still listening intently to the salesman.]

Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Boardof Public Instruction and is eligible under theStudent–

Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.

Salesman: But where are you going?

Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a soughtafter, high paid stand-by operator!

[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. Shestarts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappearsin a superimposed square, inset next to her.]

Salesman: Hey! Don’t let life put you on hold![Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down hercup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-byoperator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposedtext reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311)555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.]That’s (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by totake your call.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Valri Bromfield

….. Valri Bromfield

[ FADE IN on an empty home base ]

Don Pardo (V/O): And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!

[ Bromfield enters to applause. She is a thin, pale woman in a pink shirt and a black skirt ]

Valri Bromfield: I don’t look like a comedian, do I? (starts talking rapidly like a strict school teacher) That’s because I’m not, I’m a school teacher, and I’m going to need a lot of silence in this room if I’m going to talk. (claps three times) People people people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let’s bring you out of the suburbs and into the city. I’d like to have a few words with you. (casually bites her pinky finger nail) Okay, okay, people…now…today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup. (talks to an off-screen “student”) The principal is a what? Is this a French film I’m living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I’d like to make them! (chews on pinky nail again) Okay, well…first of all, we’re in our lovely gym togs and I’d like to keep them looking lovely and crisp. Turquiose and white are a very good combination. But, keep the box pleat nice and neat. Don’t sit down during the game. And another thing people, please, two points I’d like to make here. (crosses her arms over her breasts) Dress shields, girls, dress shields. Just for that little extra freshness. Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let’s keep them back off the eyes, okay? I’ve got some hairnets here…(responds to some imaginary student jeering)…”oohhh” yourselves! Now, people, I’ve got team captain Debbie here. She’d like to have a few words with you before the game, okay? Debbie? (she motions to her left and becomes Debbie, a typical ditzy Valley Girl type) Okay, shut up…(audience applauds) Okay, so we’re going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn’t be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute. And listen to me, there’s something really great – there’s some guys out there that are such duh’s, you wouldn’t believe! There’s Jimmy and Mark and Connor…and when I think about the guys…I CAN’T GO OUT THERE!! (goes back to normal voice) Have a great game.

[ Valri waves to audience as they applaud. Piano music plays. Fade ]

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Bee Hospital

Written by: Rosie Shuster

Nurse #1…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Bee #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Nurse #2…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Bee #2…..Garrett Morris
Nurse #3…..Gilda Radner
Mr. Bee #3…..John Belushi
Mr. Bee #4…..Chevy Chase

[ open on “Bee Hospital” title card, over organ-flavored soap opera music ]

Announcer: and now we return to “Bee Hospital.”

[ dissolve to Bee Hospital waiting room, as prospective bee dads pace around one another ]

[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby bee ]

Nurse #1: Mr. Bee!

Mr. Bee #1: Yes?

Nurse #1: Congratulations! It’s a drone!

Mr. Bee #1: It’s a drone! It’s a drone!

[ the other Bees congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Bee #1 follows Nurse #1 out of the scene ]

[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #2 enters carrying baby ]

Nurse #2: Mr. Bee?

Mr. Bee #2: Yes?

Nurse #2: Congratulations! It’s a drone!

Mr. Bee #2: It’s a drone! It’s a drone!

[ the other Bees congratulate him accordingly, as Mr. Bee #2 follows Nurse #2 out of the scene ]

[ the pacing continues, as Nurse #3 enters carrying baby ]

Nurse #3: Mr. Bee?

Mr. Bee #3: Yes?

Nurse #3: Congratulations! It’s a worker!

Mr. Bee #3: [ on the verge of disappointment ] It’s a worker?

Other Bees: Hey, it’s a worker. It’s a worker.

Mr. Bee #3: [ happily ] Awwww, it’s a worker!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Thus, concludes this week’s chapter of “Bee Hospital.” And, now, a scene from next week’s episode of “Bee Hospital.”

[ dissolve back to the Bee Hospital waiting room, as the prospective bee dads continue to pace around one another ]

[ Nurse #1 enters carrying baby bee ]

Nurse #1: Mr. Bee?

Me. Bee #4: Yes?

Nurse #1: Congratulations, Mr. Bee, it’s a queen!

[ the full group of Bees cheer triumphantly ]

[ dissolve back to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:





A Film By:

Cameos:



Bit Players:

October 11th, 1975

George Carlin

Billy Preston

Janis Ian

Andy Kaufman

The Muppets

Valri Bromfield

Albert Brooks

Paul Simon

Andrew Duncan

Jacqueline Carlin

Richard Belzer

Wendy Craig

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Al Franken



Season 1: Order Now! WolverinesSummary: SNL’s inaugural sketch features a teacher (Michael O’Donaghue) tutoring English to an immigrant student (John Belushi). Eager to learn, the immigrant mimics his teacher down to the finest detail. Chevy Chase appears as a stagehand at the end.

Transcript

MontageNote: Don Pardo accidentally misannounces the cast as The Not For Ready Prime Time Players.

George Carlin’s MonologueSummary: After entering the stage through the audience, Carlin recites “Baseball and Football” from his new album “An Evening with Wally Londo, Featuring Bill Slazso”.

Note: Carlin wanted to wear a t-shirt, but the network wanted him to wear a suit. As a compromise, Carlin wore a vest and jacket over his t-shirt, and hosted the show while reportedly stoned out of his mind.

Note: Carlin only appears on stage to perform stand-up or introduce the evening’s musical guests.

Bio: George Carlin (1937-2008). Comedian; SNL’s first-ever host; performed “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” routine on 1972 comedy album, “Class Clown”.

Also Hosted: 84e.

Transcript

New Dad InsuranceSummary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family’s emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Bio: Jacqueline Carlin. Model; while girlfriend to Chevy Chase, appeared infrequently on SNL in scenes with him; married Chase in 1976, divorced in 1980.

Transcript

Billy Preston performs “Nothing From Nothing”Bio: Billy Preston (1946-). Musician; an organ and piano prodigy with roots in gospel music; often considered the fifth Beatle for his back-up work on their “Let It Be” album.

Lyrics

The CourtroomSummary: A rape victim (Jane Curtin) testifies in court, but can’t bare to repeat the lewd suggestion posed by her attacker. Instead, the pertinent evidence is written on a piece of paper and passed among the jury.

Transcript

Andy KaufmanSummary: Kaufman at first appears nervous, then calmly turns on a recording of the “Mighty Mouse” theme song and lip-syncs a single key lyric.

Note: With the show running long at dress rehearsal, it was suggested that Lorne Michaels cut Kaufman’s performance. He chose to cut a stand-up routine from Billy Crystal instead. Though peeved, Crystal did return later in the season to do another stand-up act.

Bio: Andy Kaufman (1949-84). Comedian; performed eccentric bits that often involved playing with his audience’s heads; on television, he played mechanic Latka Gravas on “Taxi”, 1978-83; portrayed by Jim Carrey in the 1999 bio-pic “Man on the Moon.”

Also Appeared: 75c, 75d, 75o, 76k, 77c, 77g, 77m, 78m, 79b, 79h, 81j, 81s.

Cameos: 79e, 82g, 82j.

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up ISummary: Carlin performs some observational stand-up prior to introducing Janis Ian.

Transcript

Janis Ian performs “At Seventeen”Bio: Janis Ian (1951-). Singer-songwriter; burst onto the music scene at age 15, only to disappear from the charts for nearly a decade; her songs specialized in taboo subject matter.

Lyrics

Victims Of Shark BiteSummary: Martin Gresner (John Belushi) claims his limbs have been bitten off by sharks.

Transcript

JamitolSummary: Chevy Chase and Michael O’Donaghue portray a married couple, whose lives have been enrichened by using the advertised product.

Transcript

Next WeekSummary: Paul Simon announces that he’s hosting the show next week.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Anchorman Chevy Chase talks dirty on the phone before commenting on events in the news, while correspondent Laraine Newman reports on the latest murder to occur at the Blaine Motel.

Note: Weekend Update has undergone many personnel – and, on occasion, title – changes over the years, but has remained the one segment that appears on every episode of “Saturday Night Live.”

Transcript

TriopeninSummary: Product’s child-proof safety cap prevents arthritis medicine from being used.

Transcript

The MuppetsSummary: Muppets Ploobis (Jim Henson) & Scred (Jerry Nelson) visit the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz).

Note: The Muppets account for one of the strangest periods in SNL history, their appearance on the show a result of Jim Henson trying to shop out his puppets to adult audiences prior to producing “The Muppet Show.” They were generally disliked by the cast and writers, often dumped upon Al Franken, Tom Davis and Alan Zwiebel to be written for. When referring to the Muppets, Michael O’Donaghue was often quoted as saying, “I won’t write for felt.”

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up IISummary: Carlin’s stand-up topics range from the mysterious blue food to a round of oxymorons, before introducing a film by Albert Brooks.

Transcript

“The Impossible Truth”Summary: Albert Brooks reports unlikely news items in his short film.

Note: Albert Brooks was offered the opportunity to host SNL every week. Because he wanted to write and produce short films instead, he suggested that the show use a different host each week. Being from California, Brooks failed to see the merit of doing a live show, suggesting instead that they tape the show twice without stopping tape earlier in the day, and playing the best of both performances in the show’s time slot. Though the show is filmed live each week, the dress rehearsals and live performances would often be edited together for repeats aired later in the season.

Transcript

Bee HospitalSummary: Upon birth, bee fathers are informed of their newborns’ ranks in the hive.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Note: There was little audience reaction to the sketch, which writers blamed on a faulty PA system. Even though the network advised no more Bee sketches, Lorne Michaels thought the bit was funny and original and insisted on bringing the Bees back each week, making them SNL’s first recurring characters.

Transcript

Academy of Better CareersSummary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.

Transcript

Valri BromfieldSummary: Comedian Valri Bromfield mimics a teacher and a volleyball player in her routine.

Bio: Valri Bromfield (1949-). Comedienne; partnered as a comedy team with Dan Aykroyd before they joined the first Toronto company of the Second City; later produced “The Kids in the Hall” for Lorne Michaels.

Transcript

Show Us Your GunsSummary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL’s film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens’ firearms.

Transcript

George Carlin Stand-Up IIISummary: Carlin’s final round of stand-up focuses on God and religion.

Transcript

Billy Preston performs “Fancy Lady”Lyrics

Trojan Horse Home SecuritySummary: Home security technician Kenny Vorstrather (Dan Aykroyd) breaks into a couple’s (John Belushi, Gilda Radner) house to demonstrate how vulnerable they are to a home invasion.

Transcript

Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.

Note: By the 1990’s, three-blade razors became a reality on the consumer market.

Transcript

Janis Ian performs “In The Winter”Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: 1975-1976




Season 1: Order Now!

DVD Review

Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Chevy Chase

George Coe (last: 10/18/75)

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Laraine Newman

Michael O’Donoghue (last: 10/18/75)

Gilda Radner

Written by:

Anne Beatts

Chevy Chase

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Lorne Michaels

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Garrett Morris

Michael O’Donoghue

Herb Sargent

Tom Schiller

Rosie Shuster

Alan Zweibel

Episodes

10/11/75: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

10/18/75: Paul Simon / Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow

10/25/75: Rob Reiner

11/08/75: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

11/15/75: Robert Klein / ABBA, Loudon Wainwright III

11/22/75: Lily Tomlin

12/13/75: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

12/20/75: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

01/10/76: Elliott Gould / Anne Murray

01/17/76: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

01/24/76: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

01/31/76: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

02/14/76: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

02/21/76: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

02/28/76: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone, The Singing Idlers

03/13/76: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

04/17/76: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

04/24/76: Raquel Welch / Phoebe Snow, John Sebastian

05/08/76: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

05/15/76: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

05/22/76: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

05/29/76: Elliott Gould / Leon Redbone, Harlan Collins & Joyce Everson

07/24/76: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

07/31/76: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Summary   Lorne Michaels had a vision: to bring live late-night comedy/variety totelevision. NBC was playing reruns of “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” on Saturday nights, but wanted to feature new programming instead. And so, “Saturday Night Live” was born, albeit under the name “NBC’s Saturday Night”, since sportscaster Howard Cosell was already using the name for his prime-time comedy/variety show. To mock him even further, Michaels dubbed his cast members “The Not Ready For Prime Time Players”, after Cosell’s own “Prime Time Players”.

   Despite the overabundance of material for the first show (which included two musical guests, an Albert Brooks film, a Muppets piece and several commercial parodies), “SNL” found a vacancy in viewers’ eyes. As standard throughout the years that followed, “SNL” beat the competition, and the only thing to survive Cosell’s show was a young comedian named Billy Murray, who would join the successful NBC comedy program during its second season.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: 2014-2015

Starring:

Vanessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Jay Pharoah

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Featuring:

Beck Bennett

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

Colin Jost

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Writers:

James Anderson

Michael Che

Mikey Day

Jim Downey

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost (Head Writer)

Zach Kanin

Chris Kelly

Erik Kenward

Rob Klein (Head Writer)

Seth Meyers (Head Writer)

Lorne Michaels

Claire Mulaney

Josh Patten

Paula Pell

Tim Robinson

Marika Sawyer (Writing Supervisor)

Sarah Schneider

Pete Schultz

John Solomon (Writing Supervisor)

Kent Sublette

Bryan Tucker (Writing Supervisor)

Episodes

09/27/14: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande

10/04/14: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Summary

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2

14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Joan Rivers

Eartha Kitt…..Sasheer Zamata
Joan Rivers…..Sarah Silverman
Richard Pryor…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on a heavenly panel ]

Eartha Kitt: Ahhhhh, Hello, everyone! I’m Eartha Kitt! [ she meows like Catwoman ] We’ve just received word that one of the GREATS has joined us here on the celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of Heaven, please welcome… Miss Joan Rivers!

[ the other celebrities applaud as a fanfare welcomes Joan Rivers to the podium ]

Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Heaven, are you serious?! Me in Heaven?! I guess I should be here, I’m practically a virgin! The last time someone was inside me, it was Melissa! Oh, Missy! You know what I’m talking about! My old friend Richard Pryor’s here, I can’t believe it!

Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don’t hold back for NOTHIN’! You know what I’m sayin’?

Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants!

Richard Pryor: Hey, man…

Joan Rivers: I dont want to say Richard fooled around, but the longest relationship he ever had was with multiple sclerosis!

Richard Pryor: Aw, damn! All y’all gonna laugh at that, huh? Well, y’all can KISS MY ASS!!

Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here tonight! Even Steve Jobs, RIGHT HERE! [ Steve smiles and waves ] Incredible! Steve, I hope you’re forced to buy a newer, better casket every six months so you can see how WE feel! Am I right?! OH! Oh, please! So many beautiful people are here! Look! Ava Gardner! Can you believe it?! Ava, you look so young! Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh yeah, that’s right — EVERYONE![ Benjamin Franklin is cracking ]

Joan Rivers: Look at that! I’m KILLING with Ben Franklin!

Benjamin Franklin: [ gasping ] Oh, too much…!

Joan Rivers: Hey, Ben — Ben, where’d you get that outfit? Forever 1721? [ he cracks up ] He loves me! Listen, Ben — Something tells me that those bifocals aren’t the only thing BI about you!

Benjamin Franklin: [ cracking up ] I don’t know what that means!

Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you, Freddie Mercury! Look at this guy! He’s so skinny… with that huge moustache, he looks like a GAY BROOM!

Freddie Mercury: You’re wonderful, darling, wonderful! [ singing ] “Mamma miaaaaa!!”

Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you SERIOUS?!! You’re so GAY, even your TEETH aren’t straight!

Benjamin Franklin: [ laughing uproariously ] I STILL don’t understand!

Joan Rivers: So many greats here! Lucille Ball, you’re a comedy legend!

Lucille Ball: [ waving ] I am!

Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory — wasn’t Lucy hilarious? With the chocolates, eating the chocolates. You stuffed more chocolates in your throat than the Kardashians! OHHHH!! Oh, GROW UP!! Grow up!!

[ Lucille Ball grimaces ]

Joan Rivers: Listen, people — Comedy is to make us laugh and to deal with things, so open the gates, let me in here! Let’s start this show! Thank you! You’re wonderful! Good night!

[ fanfare dissolves to obituary card with Joan Rivers’ photo, 1933-2014 ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2

14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Sarah Silverman’s Monologue

…..Sarah Silverman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sarah Silverman!

Sarah Silverman: Thank you so much! Wow… it is SO crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live.” Um… [ she pauses ] I meean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says that it’s so crazy to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I’m a pretty big comedian… It kinda makes ALL the sense in the world!

Uh… tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, and, uh… [ a lone audience member claps ] Thank you…? [ she winces ] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there: I promise you, God will mind if you wear a nice cotten blend in the summer. You are being ridiculous!

Anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, um… I guess I’m know as a “blue” comedian, which is… I find that annoying, it kind of bothers me. I don’t think of myself that way. I think of myself more as a… as an IMPORTANT comedian. Anyway, because of this, uh, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after Dress Rehearsal. Like here’s what’s left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Wally?

[ cut to Wally holding up a cue card with everything blacked out except for “Black Guy” and “God’s Mouth” ]

Yeah! Guys, it was such a cute joke! It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing REALLY hard at it during Dress, like almost too hard at it.

Screw it. Can I just, um… [ she looks around ] Is there like a handheld mike, or a…? [ a microphone is handed to her ] Oh! Thank you. Let’s get real! Come on! This is live television! Let’s go among the people! [ she approaches a young woman ] How are you? Can I sit in your lap? [ she sits in the woman’s lap ] Ohhhh… this feels nice! What is your name?

Lindsey: It’s Lindsey.

Sarah Silverman: It’s Lindsey?

Lindsey: Mmm-hmm.

Sarah Silverman: Oh, um, I’m Sarah.

Lindsey: Hi!

Sarah Silverman: You know that. Uh, Lindsey, I want to tell you something that’s really important: You’re beautiful… and you… deserve love… and… I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any schmo on the street. Um… and I love you.

Lindsey: [ she chokes ] Thank you…!

Sarah Silverman: Your turn.

Lindsey: [ laughing ] You’re amazing?

Sarah Silverman: Aww.

Lindsey: And you’re beautiful.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww!

Lindsey: And you’re smart! [ she laughs ]

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.

Lindsey: [ laughing ] You’re my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! [ she pushes the microphone closer to Lindsey’s face ] You know what it is, Lindsey, it’s like… I get sad sometimes. Like, I feel like… it’s over… In terms of like I’m never gonna be carried again. You know what I mean? Like, we’re grown-ups. We’re not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parents’ party and overhear adults going like: [ whispering ] “I got her.” “No, I’ll take her.” It’s never gonna happen again. Amd it makes me sad. It’s like, I want to be carried. I want to be… bathed and cared for. I want to get my hair shampooed, you know, like a… like a little child or a princess, or… a quadraplegic, I guess. Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. [ glancing down ] Am I sitting on your phone?

Lindsey: No. No, you’re good!

Sarah Silverman: [ grimaces ] Oh… I want to think of an app! Wouldn’t it be great to think of that million-dollar app? Let’s think of that million-dollar app! God… I was thinking, like an hour ago, wouldn’t it be great if you had an app that told you when all of your friends were taking a doody? I was pretty excited. I would pay ninety-nine cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. It’s like… I think it’s called “Words With Friends”? How old are you?

Lindsey: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Ohh, you’re 32! You’re only little, you don’t know nothin’. Here’s some advice: If you’re ever drunk at a party, and you throw up at a party… I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like… a “Ta-daaa!” Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [ she hands the microphone to Lindesey ] You can have that. You can have that!

[ Sarah returns to the stage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]

Sarah Silverman: Ohhh, God… this feels so right! I mean, it’s live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean, this is the first time I’ve hosted, but I have been on this stage before. I, um… I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90’s, and… I wasn’t in much, but a lot of times I’d mostly be, like, a “plant” in the audience, you know, asking fake questions to the host during the monologue, and, uh… [ she looks into the audience ] Yes, you — you have a question?

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Rosie O’Donnell’s monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: I think you’re great! I love you!

Sarah Silverman: [ touched ] Awwwww! I love you MORE! Alright, you have a question for me, sweetie?

Young Sarah Silverman: Are you going to be doing any solo albums now that you’ve left Wilson Phillips?

Sarah Silverman: GREAT question! You know, um… I left Wilson Phillips because I felt it really wasn’t my thing any more, and, uh, I’m not sure about a solo album, though the album of my stand-up special “We Are Miracles” is out now. [ the audience applauds, as she looks into the audience again ] Oh — yes?

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Jeff Golblum’s monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh — What did you feed the dinosaurs?

Sarah Silverman: Uh… [ she laughs ] What is this, Pretty Girl in the Audience Night? It’s crazy! Um… of course, the stegosauruses are the worst, they only eat plants. But the T-Rexes are carnivores — they’d be more inclined to eat you, ’cause you’re delicious! Let’s take a… [ she points into the audience ] Yes, you, Sparkleface over here.

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Nancy Kerrigan’s monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh… what makes the human knee bend?

Sarah Silverman: Okay. Um… Well, the knee is technically a joint, where the tibia and femur meet. Right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisky. I hope that helps, and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next twenty years. I have a feeling that you will. And maybe someday you’ll even get to say: “We have got a GREAT show for you tonight! ALL of Maroon 5 is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!”

SNL Transcripts