Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Alec Baldwin’s Monologue

…..Alec Baldwin
…..Steve Martin
…..Seth Rogen

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Alec Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: Thank you! [ waving off the audience applause ] Thank you, thank you! Thank you very much. I’m Alec Baldwin, and I’m DELIGHTED to be hosting the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live”. This is my 16th time hosting! [ the audience cheers ] Which means that, tonight, I am passing Steve Martin, and setting a new record for the most times hosting “SNL”. Now, a lot of people make a big deal about the record. I don’t really care about that, it’s not a competition — because if it was, I’ve won! But, when you think about it, time is on my side. What is Steve — 100? So… no matter how many times he hosts, I’ll always have time to catch up. Steve and I, by the way, are friends. We were in “It’s Complicated” together, and, uh, when I hosted the Oscars — Steve was a big help. He’s very talented. Uh, what’s that thing he plays, the round guitar thing that Kermit the Frog plays? The BANJO! Yeah, the banjo, thank you.

But, you know, I’ve made so many memories over the years, and I’ve played so many characters… but the one sketch people always ask me about is Pete Schweddy and his famous Schweddy Balls! [ the audience cheers ] And now, Schweddy Balls is its own Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor. Now — true story, true story — there’s a family organization that is angry about the name, because they think it’s INAPPROPRIATE for the grocery store aisle. Well, if you don’t like Schweddy Balls, Ben & Jerry has a new ice cream flavor JUST for you — it’s called “Go Fudge Yourself!” [ the audience laughs] But — [ he looks offstage ] ohhhh!

[ Steve Martin enters to thunderous applause ]

Alec Baldwin: Oh, really? Oh, really? [ he stands back ]

Steve Martin: Welllll, aren’t we proud of ourselves?

Alec Baldwin: Steve, what are you doing here?

Steve Martin: Oh, I was just passing by the studio in full make-up… and I heard you were breaking my hosting record and, while I’m happy for you, I wanted to make sure you were doing it without the use of steroids or performance enhancing drugs.

Alec Baldwin: Well, that’s ridiculous! I’m hosting completely steroid-free!

Steve Martin: Well, then you won’t mind… [ he holds up a cup ] giving us a little sample.

Alec Baldwin: You expect me to do that in front of everyone?

Steve Martin: Of course not. Uh — people!

[ medical equipment is wheeled in ]

Alec Baldwin: Who are they?

Steve Martin: I brought along a medical team, AND an expert on drug use.

[ Seth Rogen awkwardly steps on stage, to thunderous applause ]

Steve Martin: Thank you! [ to Baldwin ] Let’s get to it.

Alec Baldwin: Ohhhhh, Steve! You’re my nemesis!

Steve Martin: [ with sinister chuckling ] Oh-ho, Alec Baldwin! You don’t even know how to pronounce the word “nuh-me-sis”!

Alec Baldwin: Let’s get this over with!

[ Baldwin takes the cup and steps behind a curtain to pee ]

Steve Martin: I wonder if my being out here counts as a hosting? Could you check that for me?

Seth Rogen: Yeah, yeah… no problem, no problem. [ he punches it into his cellphone ] No… no, it doesn’t count. Sorry.

Steve Martin: Hmmmm… how many hits came up when you searched my name?

Seth Rogen: Oh, a lot! 108!

Steve Martin: Whoa-ho! Bingo!

[ Baldwin returns ]

Alec Baldwin: Here’s your sample, Doctor!

Seth Rogen: Thank you!

[ Rogen begins to analyZe the sample alongside the other doctors, but Steve grabs it from him ]

Steve Martin: Oh, that won’t be necessary. [ he sqigs the urine and swishes it around in his mouth ] Aniasin… a little B-12… but no steroids. [ he takes another swig ] Let’s see… a little linguine vongole…

Alec Baldwin: AMAZING!

Steve Martin: There’s another flavor there… [ he glances at Baldwin’s crotch ] Cialis for daily use.

Alec Baldwin: DAMN you, Steve!

Steve Martin: But… no perofrmance enhancing drugs. Baldwin, you’re doing it fair and square.

Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Steve! [ he extends his hand ]

Steve Martin: I don’t believe you washed that. [ Baldwin withdraws his hand ] But, my sincere congratulations.

Alec Baldwin: Are we good now?

Steve Martin: We are good.

Alec Baldwin: Then will you say it with me, my friend?

Steve Martin: I sure will, pal.

Alec Baldwin: We’ve got a great show for you tonight!

Steve Martin: Radiohead is here!

Seth Rogen: So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Goodnights

…..Steve Martin
…..Alec Baldwin

Steve Martin: [ pulling at a string on Baldwin’s shoulder ] You’ve got a thing right there…

Alec Baldwin: [ adjusting between his pants legs ] Thanks to Radiohead, Steve Martin, and Seth Rogan!

[ as the credits roll, Baldwin holds up a sign that reads “She’s My Carla!” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate

Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Perry…..Alec Baldwin
John Huntsman…..Taran Killam
Ron Paul…..Paul Brittain
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Michelle Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan

Announcer: And now, live from the Strom Thurmond Memorial Library in Lynchfield, South Carolina — it’s Either the 7th or 8th GOP Debate. And now, please welcome your debate moderator: from FOX News — Shepard Smith.

[ dissolve to Smith at his podium ]

Shepard Smith: Good evening. I’m Shepard Smith, and I come from a town full of secrets. I’d like to begin by apologizing for responses by the audience at the previous three debates, who booed a soldier, cheered executions, and applauded the death of an uninsured man. It was inappropriate. I’d also like to apologize for the late start tonight — there was a six-car pile-up on Route 20 that burst into flames. [ the audience applauds ]

Tonight’s debate is between former governor Mitt Romney… and governor Rick Perry. There are also six other people who will NEVER be president, but showed up anyway. Their names are John Huntsman… Ron Paul… Herman Cain… Rick Santorum… Michelle Bachmann… and Newt Gingrich.

Now, before we begin, we had complaints that our soudn effects marking the end of a candidate’s time sounded too close to a doorbell, and therefore is making dogs at home go crazy. So we changed the sound to this: [ a cat meows ]

Governor Perry, we’ll begin with you. A mere three weeks ago, you were the darling of the right wing of the Republican Party, but now, after three debates, your inconsistent performances have given your supporters doubts. My question is: Can you speak for ten seconds without alienating your base?

Rick Perry: Now, the Conservative Base needs to know that Rick Perry stands with them 110%. I believe we need to lower the corporate tax rate, I believe we need fewer regulations, I believe all ten-year old girls should be vaccinated for HPV so they can enter into menaingful sexual relationships. No? Uh… oh, I’ll try again. “Rick Perry… consistent…” Uh, I believe Social Security is a Ponzi scheme, I believe we need to build a fence to keep the illegals out; however, should any illegals get through and have children here, I believe we should open our hearts and pay for their education. [ the audience boos ] No? Do-over! Do-over! Uh… Rick Perry only listens to two people: Jesus Christ and Rachel Maddow! [ the audience boos ] No? No. Damn!

Shepard Smith: Mitt Romney. Despite currently polling second, voters still don’t seem to conenct to you. Tell us: Who is Mitt Romney?

Mitt Romney: Well… I’d like to start by saying that I know things have gotten pretty heated between Governor Perry and I in the last few debates… and I… I just want to thank him for not playing the Mormon card. Now, I know it’s there and I know it’s tempting.

Rick Perry: Oh… I’m gonna do it soon, real soon, you just wait!Now, look — Mitt Romney might not be the perfect candidate. But he’s the PERFECT candidate in comparison to the other candidates! Next to Rick Perry, I’m a centrist. Next to Michelle Bachmann, U’m a private sector businessman. Next to Newt Gingrich, I have a normal, human-sized head. Next to Ron Paul… well, I’m the Fonz! And, next to Herman Cain… [ he motions his hand and mouths “I’m White” ] Now, next to John Huntsman, it gets tricky. Because we’re both Mormon and have similar haircuts. But I think I compare favorably to him because I didn’t spend the last two years in China.

John Huntsman: No, no… now, see, I resent that, Mitt. My time spent as Ambassador to China is an asset, but it does not define me. I understand Chinese economy… I understand, a little bit, Chinese culture… [ in Chinese dialect ] You want a little bit Chinese history? Ya ya, okay! Maybe some Chinese-U.S. relation, maybe? Home, please. Ni-hai! [ he yells offscreen in a foreign tongue ] Okay, I read back! 1. Chinese economy; 2. Little bit Chinese culture; 3. Chinese history; 4. Scallion pancake; 5. John Huntsman good president, 2012 — HOW YOU PAY?!

Shepard Smith: Now, sadly, we have to ask questions to condidates who can’t and won’t win. But we will promise to get back to Mr. Romney and Mr. Perry as fast as we can. Gentlemen, do you accept our apologies?

Rick Perry: That’s alright.

Mitt Romney: Yeah, we get it.

Shepard Smith: Newt Gingrich. I’m calling your bluff. Do you really want to be president?

Newt Gingrich: [ rolls his eyes and shakes his head ] No!

Shepard Smith: Would you like to leave now, and beat the rush out of the parking lot?

Newt Gingrich: Thank you!

[ Gingrich steps away from his podium and crosses the stage, slapping hands with Herman Cain before he exits ]

Shepard Smith: Rick Santorum. You seem confused and flabbergasted by modern-day life.

Rick Santorum: [ almost crying ] Yea-ah! Yuo might say that.

Shepard Smith: It seems like, if there were a time and place in history that best fit your values, it would likely be Salem, Mass. in 1692.

Rick Santorum: [ shaking his head ] Sounds right! I’m sorry… what’s the question?

Shepard Smith: Why stick your neck out and run for president, little guy?

Rick Santorum: [ nervously ] Look — this country is headed into a sca-scary direction, okay? I mean, jsut yesterday, I read a statistic that half — HALF!! — of all marriages… end in SWEATPANTS!!

Shepard Smith: I believe you read that on a billboard for the NBC sitcom “Whitney”.

Rick Santorum: [ confused ] Did I do wrong?

Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] You did! Michelle Bachmann.

Michell Bachmann: [ she grins laciviously ] You know you want it!

Shepard Smith: You were an early leader in the polls, but then numbers dipped when Newsweek showed a picture of your face.

Michell Bachmann: [ smiling ] That’s correct.

Shepard Smith: In Thursday’s debate, you said you believed Americans should pay no taxes at all. How would that work?

Michell Bachmann: Shep… I believe paying no taxes can help us return to the America I love — not the America of Ronald Reagan, not the America of the Founding Fathers — but, rather, the America of thousands of years ago, in which feral bands of mud people lived in their caves, never worrying that Barack Obama was gonna come and take their hard-earned pelts or infringe on their right to bear spears. That’s my America. [ she smiles ]

Shepard Smith: How do you rebound from your falling poll numbers?

Michell Bachmann: Uh, Shepard, I’m persistant. And when I want something, I won’t take “No” for an answer. Take, for instance, when I first met my husband. We were both at a party and I saw him across the room, acting out all the parts from the musical “Grease”. Smitten, I asked him out for a hot water and lemon. He said: “Miss Thing, here’s a quarter — buy yourself a clue.” But I wouldn’t give up. In closing: fences, Jesus, papilloma, eyeballs. [ she smiles ]

Shepard Smith: Jeepers creepers, those are some spooky-ass peepers! Moving on… Herman Cain.

Herman Cain: Who?

Shepard Smith: Mr. Cain, your only experience is serving as CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. How does running a pizza chain equate to running a country?

Herman Cain: Well, Shepard… the one constant through all the years has been PIZZA! America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers, but PIZZA has marked the time. If you order it… pizza will come. There’s no better motto for the federal government than that of a pizza place. Pizza doesn’t come to your door unless you ask for it. But when you ask for it… pizza will be there in ten minutes. If you order it… pizza will come. It’s four o’clock in the morning, and you’re high as a kite and the stuff in your fridge is weirding you out? If you order it… pizza will come. Pizza will come. Oh, pizza will most definitely come. And if you vote for me, America, I promise you… that I WILL deliver!

[ the audience applauds wildly, as Cain basks in his glory ]

Shepard Smith: Once again, Herman Cain has received wild applause. Now, Mr. Cain, please know that will not translate into actual votes.

Herman Cain: [ he grins proudly ] I am aware!

Shepard Smith: Ron Paul.

Ron Paul: [ gawkishly ] Damn right!

Shepard Smith: You were, uh, painted into a corner last week when you were asked a very pointed hypothetical question about liberty. So let’s do that again!

Ron Paul: G-g-great!

Shepard Smith: Let’s pretend you are a representative of the federal government walking down the street. You see a house on fire. Do you act?

Ron Paul: [ shaking his head frantically ] Nooo!! That’s none of my business!

Shepard Smith: What if… the house is full of puppies? Puppies with their noses pressed against the glass. Do you act then?

Ron Paul: No! That is NOT my place!

Shepard Smith: What if… the puppies were making this noise: [ he moans like a helpless puppy ] And they’re all wearing bows. What would you do?

Ron Paul: I’d let the puppies BURN! I am a PURIST! The puppie should DIE!!

Shepard Smith: Well… Ron Paul, you stuck to your guns! Your weird, old guns!

Rick Perry: Uh, Shep? Shep, if I may, I’d like to, uh, attack Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper.

Shepard Smith: You sure? It’s late in the debate. This is when you normally get tired and confused.

Rick Perry: Not tonight! Yeah, I’m ready. [ he begins ] Mitt Romney’s city was for… uh… against… Obamacare… but what about… [ he yawns ] Mitt Romney? I mean… Mitt… Romneycare… Was it was before he was before…?

Shepard Smith: Uh-ohhhh…

Rick Perry: Was it was… [ he leans on his podium ] He was before… [ he leans closer to his podium ] Board of control! [ he slouches down on his podium and snores ]

Shepard Smith: And he’s asleep! That concludes tonight’s debate. As a reminder to Chris Christie: It’s wide open, buddy! Stay tuned for our next debate, which begins in five minutes and features questions from animals. I’m Shepard Smith, I’m a silly little rag doll, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiight!!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1

11a: Alec Baldwin / Radiohead

Child Psychologist

Jeff…..Alec Baldwin
Elaine…..Vanessa Bayer
Raquel…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on Jeff and Elaine seated at a candlelit dinner in his house ]

Jeff: [ toasting her glass ] To a wonderful evening.

Elaine: Thanks for having me over. I didn’t want to say this before, but I’ve read ALL your books on Child Psychology.

Jeff: Yes. Well, helping parents raise their children is my life’s passion.

[ suddenly, Jeff’s daughter Raquel slowly passes through the front room, crying ]

Elaine: Uh — who’s that little girl.

Jeff: That’s my daughter Raquel — she’s grounded, just ignore her. That’s my first rule of parenting: To acknowledge her… is to give her the power. Uh — more of this fabulous wine?

Elaine: If the doctor recommends it!

[ he pours more wine, as Raquel reappears from the opposite direction, crying harder ]

Raquel: I know you can hear me!

Elaine: Okay, she seems really upset. If you need to take a moment with her —

Jeff: Oh, no, no, no! She’ll tire out soon. My e-wife never understood that. But my ex-wife’s not here tonight, it’s just… you and me.

[ Raquel appears right behind her father, crying ]

Raquel: It just seems like by now you would have come and talked to me!

[ Elaine glances over at Raquel ]

Jeff: Don’t look at her, Elaine! If you make eye contact with her, you give HER the power!

Raquel: [ now standing behind Elaine ] I feel like your parenting style isn’t really paying off! [ she leans over Elaine ] Hi, lady… I like your bangs… here’s a note! [ she hands the note over and cries directly into Elaine’s face ]

Elaine: I’m gonna read this.

Jeff: Fine! I know what it says already!

Elaine: [ reading ] “I’m sorry if i’m ruining your date, but I’m actually a really rational person.”

[ Raquel watches from behind a potted plant ]

Elaine: [ continues reading, as Jeff mouthes along ] “I’m in the plant, if you ant to talk. P.S.: Are you my new mother?”

Jeff: Elaine, let me ask you a question — how is your shrimp cocktail?

Elaine: To be honest, I haven’t tried it. There’s been other things happening.

[ Raquel cries as she lays atop a hutch and throws dishes at the floor ]

Jeff: Keep your eyes on ME, Elaine! If you turn around and see what’s happening, you’ll give her the power!

[ Raquel throws more dishes and cups to the floor ]

Jeff: Elaine, it feels like we’re the only two people on Earth, doesn’t it? [ he casually sips his wine ]

Raquel: Look what I’m doing!! I could FALL!! Let’s TALK about that!!

Elaine: [ flustered ] Oh, my God! Maybe we should just —

Jeff: Acknowledge she’s alive? No! Her mother suggested that. She was WEAK, and a regular psychologist! Trust me! Because of MY philosophy, she will grow into a well-adjusted, emotionally stable young lady.

Elaine: [ looking past Jeff ] Uh — well — um, Jeff? Jeff?

Jeff: Is my tennis jacket on fire behind me? I have many tennis jackets.

Raquel: [ desperately ] It’s your favorite!

Jeff: [ outraged ] NOT THE BLUE!! — [ he almost turns his head, but stops ] Ohhhhh! You see that, Elaine? She almost got me. I almost gave her the power.

Elaine: Listen, Jeff — I just want to say something. I’m starting to think that —

Jeff: Elaine… I know what you’re going to say, and you’re right: This date is going really, really well. One of the best dates either one of us has been on in years. But there’s one more thing, Elaine. If you acknowledge the terrine of tapioca above your head… you give her the power.

[ Raquel cries as she dumps tapioca over Elaine’s head ]

Raquel: I’m so sorry, Elaine! This is NEVER about you! I PROMISE t’ll come right out!! [ she puts the bowl over Elaine’s head ]

Jeff: She’s wrong, Elaine! Don’t let HER know that YOU know that you have tapioca all over your head!

Elaine: I’m sorry, Jeff, alright? Um…Raquel? It’s okay. I acknowledge you. What can I do?

[ Raquel guffaws ]

Raquel: Oh, man! Elaine, you dummy! You gave me the power! [ she dumps in her daddy’s lap ] Dad, you’re too GOOD for this BOZO!

Jeff: You’re right, sweetheart, she’s a fool. [ to Elaine ] After we have sex, Elaine, you should probably go home.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 24th, 2011

Alec Baldwin

Radiohead

None

Steve Martin

Seth Rogen

None

Either the 7th or 8th GOP DebateSummary: Shepard Smith (Bill Hader) moderates the latest debate between Republican frontrunners Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis), Rick Perry (Alec Baldwin), and other candidates who don’t stand a chance at their party’s nomination.

Recurring Characters: Shepard Smith, Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachman, Newt Gingrich.

Transcript

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Alec jokes about Ben & Jerry’s new Schweddy Balls flavor, then triumphes that his 16th hosting gig finally puts him ahead of Steve Martin’s record. Martin then shows up to make sure that Baldwin is hosting without the aid of steroids, and employs drug expert Seth Rogen to analyze Baldwin’s urine sample.

Transcript

Red Flag ParfumSummary: The enchanting fragrance that warns would-be suitors that the attractive woman in the bar might not be worth the pursuit.

Transcript

“All My Children” Wrap PartySummary: Susan Lucci (Vanessa Bayer) toasts her glass to a roomful of actors and actresses whose real-life quirks are just as overdramatic as their soap opera characters.

WDHX NewsSummary: Denise Fineman (Kristen Wiig) reports live, via tape delay, from Costa Rica, where her desk anchors (Alec Baldwin, Abby Elliott) are unable to protect her from jungle creatures about to attack.

Note: This sketch had previously been cut from dress rehearsals of episodes hosted by Ellen Page and Amy Adams during SNL’s 33rd season.

Radiohead performs “Lotus Flower”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) summer movie wrap-up derails into a discussion about women’s hygeine products.

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.

Transcript

Who’s On Top?Summary: Contestants (Alec Baldwin, Vanessa Bayer) try to guess which of two male celebrities would be on top if they were involved in a hypothetical gay relationship.

Transcript

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVDSummary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Tony Danza, Al Pacino, Harvey Fierstein, Paula Abdul, Alan Alda, Crispin Glover, Prince, Mindy Cohn.

Note: This was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s finale.

Transcript

Child PsychologistSummary: Child psychologist (Alec Baldwin) ignores his whiny daughter (Nasim Pedrad) for her own good during a dinner date at home with Elaine (Vanessa Bayer).

Transcript

Radiohead performs “Staircase”

Turner Classic MoviesSummary: Captain (Alec Baldwin) gives his private (Taran Killam) unusual final requests after being shot by the enemy.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) discusses the state of the economy and how nothing has changed since he assumed office.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Rock’s WaySummary: Appearing in various Broadway productions, Chris Rock (Jay Pharoah) breaks the fourth wall to perform stand-up routines making fun of each play.

Note: This piece will air on next week’s episode.

Transcript

Netflix ApologySummary: Netflix founders (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen) apologize for their recent bad policy changes, then proceed to make more inane policy changes.

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody will eventually air on the episode hosted by Daniel Radcliffe.

Willy Wonka ReunionSummary: The kids from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, Alec Baldwin) get together on “The Today Show” for a 40-year reunion.

Top Gun 25th Anniversary DVD IISummary: The 25th Anniversary DVD re-release features additional audition outtakes from unlikely 80’s-era celebrities.

Note: This was cut from the dress rehearsal of last season’s finale.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: 2010-2011

Starring:

Fred Armisen

Abby Elliott

Bill Hader

Seth Meyers

Bobby Moynihan

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Featuring:

Vanessa Bayer

Paul Brittain

Taran Killam

Nasim Pedrad

Jay Pharoah

Writers:

Doug Abeles

James Anderson

Alex Baze

Heather Anne Campbell

Jessica Conrad

Jim Downey

Tom Flanigan

Shelly Gossman

Steve Higgins

Colin Jost

Erik Kenward

Rob Klein

Jonathan Krisel

Seth Meyers

Lorne Michaels

John Mulaney

Christine Nangle

Michael Patrick O’Brien

Paula Pell

Simon Rich

Marika Sawyer

Akiva Schaffer

John Solomon

Kent Sublette

Bryan Tucker

Episodes

09/25/10: Amy Poehler / Katy Perry

10/02/10: Bryan Cranston / Kanye West

10/09/10: Jane Lynch / Bruno Mars

10/23/10: Emma Stone / Kings of Leon

10/30/10: Jon Hamm / Rihanna

11/13/10: Scarlett Johansson / Arcade Fire

11/20/10: Anne Hathaway / Florence and the Machine

12/04/10: Robert DeNiro / Diddy Dirty Money

12/11/10: Paul Rudd / Paul McCartney

12/18/10: Jeff Bridges / Eminem & Lil Wayne

01/08/11: Jim Carrey / The Black Keys

01/15/11: Gwyneth Paltrow / Cee Lo Green

01/29/11: Jesse Eisenberg / Nicki Minaj

02/05/11: Dana Carvey / Linkin Park

02/12/11: Russell Brand / Chris Brown

03/05/11: Miley Cyrus / The Strokes

03/12/11: Zach Galifianakis / Jessie J

04/02/11: Elton John

04/09/11: Helen Mirren / Foo Fighters

05/07/11: Tina Fey / Ellie Goulding

05/14/11: Ed Helms / Paul Simon

05/21/11: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

SummaryIt would be a reasonable argument to suggest that “SNL” became too comfortable generating high ratings through obvious gimmick tactics (the additional mid-week mini-shows which siphoned the quality of the regularly-scheduled shows, or the shameless Facebook campaign on Betty White’s behalf which ultimately revolved more on SNL’s past female cast members than the longtime TV veteran herself). Thankfully, other missteps seemed to have been addressed: Kristen Wiig, who was being overexposed as though the lone female performer in a cast of men, was used more sparingily; Jenny Slate, who immediately alienated viewers by dropping the F-bomb on her first show and made no impact aside from a single recurring character with little growth potential, was let go. However, the most prominent change, which arguably gave the new season a slight edge over the previous one, was the hiring of four new featured performers, the largest group of newcomers on SNL since Bill Hader, Andy Samberg, Jason Sudeikis and Wiig burst on the scene five years earlier. Which is not to say that these new kids — Vanessa Bayer, Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah and Paul Brittain — made quite the same splash as the now-seasoned veterans, but there were moments throughout the season where it felt like they were really trying to make the show their own, providing some of the freshest sketches seen on the show over the last couple of years.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

WXPD News

Jack Rizzoli……Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez……Nasim Pedrad
Herb Welch……Bill Hader
Dan McDonald……Justin Timberlake
Ken Yi……..Fred Armisen
Heckler…..Andy Samberg

[ open on news logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ dissolve to studio anchor ]

Jack Rizzoli: Good morning, everyone, I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda Ramirez: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack Rizzoli: Our top story today: a junior high school in Long Island has been evacuated after a dangerous carbon monoxide leak. Veteran reporter Herb Welch is on the scene, who this week celebrated his 70th year with the network. Hello, Herb.

[The 90-something year old Herb is seen, thick glasses and all, standing in front of a school. As always, he stands slouched talking very close to the microphone.]

Herb Welch: Hello, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: Now, Herb, walk us through what’s happening at that school. Have all the students been evacuated?

Herb Welch: I’ve, uh….got a guy. This is teacher Dan McCarty.

Dan McDonald: It’s McDonald, actually. Dan McDonald.

Herb Welch: ….It’s the same thing. Alright, alright, what happened.

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: Well…..[Herb starts to move the microphone around as Dan moves around trying to talk into it]…we were told about the leak this morning, so I gathered the children and had them evacuate the school.

Herb Welch: Wh-wh-what kind of teacher?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I’m an art….art teacher.

Herb Welch: Like with the macaroni and the…..[Herb breathes heavily taking his time in between words]….and the yarn?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: Uh….I teach drawing actually.

Herb Welch: There you have it: like it or not, the folk scene is here to stay. Back to you, Jack.

Jack Rizzoli: No, no, no, Herb, hold on a sec.

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: Stay there a minute, okay? Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: What?

Jack Rizzoli: [laughing a little bit] Does Dan know what caused the leak?

Herb Welch: I don’t know what caused it, I just got here.

Jack Rizzoli: I know you don’t, Herb. I know you don’t. Ask him “do you know what caused the leak?”

Herb Welch: Hey! Don’t write my copy, you lifeguard! [Herb turns back to Dan, but first has to hide his face from laughing.] What leaked?

[Herb smacks Dan in the face with the microphone again.]

Dan McDonald: The boilers in the school have been a problem for a long time…..[Herb continues to move the microphone, now lowering it closer and closer to the ground]…and I, for one, am appalled!

[Herb brings the microphone back up.]

Herb Welch: Hey –

Dan McDonald: The school –

[Herb is now smacking Dan in the face with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: The school –

Herb Welch: Hey, I got a question for ya. [He smacks Dan again with the microphone.] Do you think, uh….do you think Lucille Ball is a…..a Pinko?

[Herb smacks Dan again with the microphone.]

Dan McDonald: I’m…I’m sorry, did you say Lucille Ball?

[Jack interrupts.]

Jack Rizzoli: Yeah, Herb, exactly. Stay on point please.

Herb Welch: Name names, come on.

[As Herb goes to hit Dan with the microphone once again, Dan rips it out of his hands. Herb brings up his back-up microphone with his other hand and smacks Dan.]

Wanda Ramirez: Herb, does Dan think school officials were aware of the problem?

[Herb looks annoyed.]

Herb Welch: Ugghhh…[to Dan] so, you see the fights last night? [Herb hits Dan with the microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Come on, Herb. Herb, Wanda asked you a question.

Herb Welch: Yeah, well she can go back to her kitchen.

Jack Rizzoli: Herb….Herb, answer her.

Herb Welch: I’m not taking my set-ups from a hat-check girl!

Dan McDonald: Excuse me, can we talk about the students, please? They were put in real danger by our principal. That….that man, right over there! [He points at Principal Ken Yi standing off to the side.]

Ken Yi: Excuse me, that is absolutely not true!

Herb Welch: And that’s the news! Stay tuned for “Playhouse 90” with Lee Jacobs! Thank you!

Jack Rizzoli: [annoyed] No, no, Herb turn around and talk to that principal! Come on!

Herb Welch: [annoyed] Suck an egg, you manequin.

[Herb shuffles over to Ken, and is also motioning for Ken to move closer to him. A car passes by and a heckler yells out the window.]

Heckler: You suck, Herb Welch!

Herb Welch: [pointing at the car] Thank you!

[Herb must now hide his face away because of laughter.]

Herb Welch: [to Ken Yi] Alright….uh….now who are you?

Ken Yi: Hi, I’m the principal here. My name is Ken Yi.

Herb Welch: [having a flashback to the war] Oh, Banzai, huh? Remember me?! [He begins to hit Ken with the microphone in an attacking fashion. Dan comes over and pulls him away.]

Jack Rizzoli: No! Herb! No, no, no, no! Herb! Come on! The war is over, Herb!

Herb Welch: What? What happened? What did I do?

Jack Rizzoli: You blew the story, that’s what you did.

[Dan takes the microphone from Herb as he restrains him. Herb is still trying to kick Ken.]

Dan McDonald: I’m sorry, Jack? Maybe you should be a little more patient with Herb. He may be old, but that just means….[Herb is flailing about. He pushes the microphone into Dan’s face.]….[to Herb] stop moving….just means that his soul is wise.

Herb Welch: Jack? If Shep Kramer knew about the way you anchor, he’d turn over in his grave.

Jack Rizzoli: No, he wouldn’t, Herb, because Shep Kramer was cremated.

Herb Welch: They burned my friend!

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, come on! Herb, come on, pull it together, buddy.

Herb Welch: You son of a bitch! [He runs towards the camera and starts hitting it with his microphone.]

Jack Rizzoli: Okay, just cut away. Can we cut away for a minute please? Oh man. As always, we apologize to you in the Asian and female communities. Up next, we’ll talk to Long Island officials…

[Jack is handed a piece of paper and reads it.]

Jack Rizzoli: Oh, but first, some very sad news. I’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Here is seen on assignment in 1963. [A black and white photograph is shown of Lee Harvey Oswald being assassinated while being interviewed by Herb.] Mr. Welch had been in bad health. We…we go now to the scene. Gentleman, what happened.

[Herb is sitting on a bench holding a microphone. His eyes and mouth are wide open, and he has apparently stopped breathing.]

Ken Yi: The guy started to cough and then he turned pale and he wasn’t breathing…

Herb Welch: Sulplise! (Said in a Japanese accent) [He gets up, lunges towards Ken, and begins hitting him with the microphone, as Dan tries to break it up.]

Jack Rizzoli: Cut away! Cut away! Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Well, it appears that Mr. Welch is still alive and as unprofessional as ever.

[Jack is suddenly hit in the face with a microphone. Herb apparently made a quick trip to the studio.]

Jack Rizzoli: HOW IS THAT?! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!

[The WXPD New York logo is shown once again.]

[Fade out.]

Submitted by: Matt W.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22


]]>

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
Nicolas Cage…..Andy Samberg
…..Bradley Cooper
Stefon…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening. I’m Seth Meyers, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Sources are saying that Saif al-Adel, a former Egyptian Special Forces operative, has been appointed the “caretaker” of Al Qaeda in the wake of Bin Laden’s death. Al-Adel was chosen because of his military background, his youth and because he was the last one to shout “Not it!”

President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met Friday at the White House, one day after Obama called for Israel to return to its 1967 borders. It’s hard to know what was said at the meeting, but I’m betting on heavy use of the word “meshuganah”.

Despite announcing that he would not for President, Donald Trump insisted, Monday, that if he had stayed in the race he would have won the primary and the general election. Pretty bold, when you consider the fact that he’s not even winning his time slot.

Seth Meyers: It was revealed this week that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his long-time housekeeper. That brings us to a segment we like to call “Really!?!” with Seth.

[ show title card ]

Seth Meyers: Really, Arnold Schwarzenegger? You had an affair with the maid, in your house? You know, when powerful people have affairs, they usually put a little effort into it. I mean, really! Secret rendezvous. High priced call girl. What did you do? Just sit in your recliner and point at your weiner whenever someone walked by? Really?

Did you really think it was a good idea for your mistress to work in your home for fourteen years after the affair? Right in front of your wife? That’s so risky! I’m not even married and I erase my Internet history every four hours. Just in case I die and my mom comes over. Really!

I have to say, you have giant balls for a guy who definitely has tiny steroid balls. Really! And then it was revealed on Wednesday that the child you fathered with the housekeeper was born just days after Maria Shriver gave birth to your other son. Two kids in a week! So wait, every time I saw you smoking a cigar, were you just celebrating another baby? You’re like Oprah, but with babies. [ imitating Schwarzenegger ] “You get a baby! And you get a baby! Everybody gets a baby!”

Also, I couldn’t help but notice every one of your movies makes a perfect New York Post headline for this story: “Junior”, “Twins”, “True Lies”, “Predator”, “Judgment Day”, “Collateral Damage”, and “Raw Deal”. Thank God you passed on the action-comedy “Governor Horn Dog”.

And you brought the maid on vacation with your family. Really?! That’s a little suspicious, isn’t it? Hotels already have maids. That’s like bringing weed to Amsterdam. Really!

But Arnold, really, this is the important part: If this baby is the future leader of the resistance against our robot overlords, let us know. We won’t forgive you, but it WILL help your case. Really!

[ show title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?!” with Seth.

Seth Meyers: It was reported that the Walt Disney Company has officially bought the trademark to the name “Seal Team 6”, the name of the unit that killed Osama Bin Laden. So get ready for a very disturbing sequel to “Up”. [ aside ] You don’t want to see that? I don’t want to see that movie.

The winner of the Miss Madison beauty pageant was forced to give up her crown this week, after she was arrested for identity theft. You know, I’m starting to think the best way to win a beauty pageant is to come in second and just wait.

A man in Wisconsin, on Tuesday, ate his 25-thousandth Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first one. Then afterwards, he ate a piece of broccoli and died.

Seth Meyers: And now it’s time for “Get in the Cage!”, a segment where actor Nicolas Cage sits down with fellow thespians to discuss the craft of their recent work. Please welcome Nicolas Cage and Bradley Cooper!

Bradley Cooper: Wow! Thank you SO much for having me, Nick! I am, uh, REALLY excited to get in the Cage!

Nicolas Cage: Oh, that’s very kind of you, Bradley. Now, let’s begin with a question about your new movie, “The Hangover: Part 2”.

Bradley Cooper: Yep. Shoot!

Nicolas Cage: In it, you play a gentleman who has a wild, drunken night in Bangkok, and then must face the grim repercussions.

Bradley Cooper: That is correct.

Nicolas Cage: So my question is: HOW AM I NOT IN THAT MOVIE?!!”

Bradley Cooper: Uh, what do you mean?

Nicolas Cage: Well, it has the TWO classic elements of a Nic Cage film! 1. I’m told the actors were given FOOD! 2. It’s basically a shot-for-shot recreation of my life! I AM the Human Hangover!

Bradley Cooper: Uh — look, Nic. I’m sorry you weren’t in “The Hangover: Part 2”. Maybe you were too busy. I mean, you’re in EVERY movie. You’re like a dangerous Eugene Levy.

Nicolas Cage: [ absorbs this compliment ] That’s high praise! Look, you seem nice, Cooper-Scooper! But, nevertheless, you lack the key ingredient to being a true film icon: Nomadic eyebrows, that have long since traveled from their home. The forehead village they grew up in was a safe haven! When ADVENTURE came calling! And like the gladiators of yore, they rode across the crescent moon that is my hairline! And THAT… is the audacity of hope.

Bradley Cooper: I think I’m ready to get out of the Cage.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, that I would do.

Nicolas Cage: There’s only ONE way out of the Cage! A fight to the death! TWO men enter! TWO men leave!

Bradley Cooper: I think it’s one man enters.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah, math was never my strong suit! And NOW, in the words of my fellow actor and life coach Mel Gibson… “Prepare to die from human bites!”

Seth Meyers: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry. Mel Gibson is your life coach?

Nicolas Cage: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Who’s your accountant?

Nicolas Cage: Wesley Snipes.

Seth Meyers: Okay, yeah.

Nicolas Cage: It’s a long story!!

Seth Meyers: Wrap it up!

Nicolas Cage: Fine by me, Seth! For now it is time for me to ride off to my NEXT adventure!

Bradley Cooper: Oh! What’s that?

[ camera zooms on Cage ]

Nicolas Cage: I’m gonna kill the ghost of Osama bin Laden!

Seth Meyers: Nic Cage and Bradley Cooper, everyone!

On Tuesday, the Pillow Fight World Cup was held in Brooklyn, New York. And that’s what you want — people in the Kingdom of Bedbugs shaking their linens out in the open. What a nightmare!

A growing trend among expectant parents is to have the sex of their baby revealed through “baby cakes,” which contain either blue or pink icing inside, rather than having a doctor tell them. And what could be more American than saying, “Yeah, yeah, doctor. I’ll believe it when I hear it from a dessert. Thank you, though.”

A new trend on the Internet is photos of people “planking”, which is the act of lying face down, keeping one’s body stiff while balancing on top of something. Or what protestants call “sex”.

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested after she allegedly fed marijuana-laced margarine to a 12-year-old girl she was babysitting. Marijuana-laced margarine? “I can’t believe it’s Pot Butter!”

Seth Meyers: Tonight is the season finale, so I just want to say to everyone out there: THank you for watching, and have a wonderful summer! [ he looks off-screen ] You ready to go, Stefon?

[ Stefon appears in front of the news desk ]

Stefon: Yes!

[ Seth grabs his bag and steps around the news desk to join Stefon ]

Seth Meyers: Where are we going again, Buddy?

Stefon: It’s that thing… of when a beach is covered in jellyfish, and a sunburned old man braids your hair.

Seth Meyers: So… can my girlfriend come?

Stefon: No.

[ “Casablanca”-style music pots up ]

Seth Meyers: Stefon… I think this is the beginning… of a beautiful nightmare.

[ Stefon nods hsppily ]

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers. Good night!

[ Seth and Stefon walk off with a sly wink to the audience ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

What’s That Name?

Vince Blight…..Bill Hader
…..Justin Timberlake
…..Lady Gaga
Katie…..Abby Elliott
Alphonse…..Fred Armisen
Chris Kirkpatrick…..Taran Killam

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play: “What’s That Name?” And here’s your host — Vince Blight!

[ Vince Blight runs onto the game set ]

Vince Blight: Hello! Hello and welcome to “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! The rules are the same as always: We show you a person, you tell us their name. And our contestants today are JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!!

Justin Timberlake: Alright! How you doing, Vince Blight!

Vince Blight: Good, good! And LADY GAGA!!

Lady Gaga: [ covering one eye ] I’m ready to play… and win!

Vince Blight: Alright! And the firt question goes to you, Justin: [ reveal image ] “This funky feline rapped with Paula Abdul.” What’s That Name?

Justin Timberlake: I know that. Uhhhh… that’s MC Skat Cat!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: [ singing ] “Two steps forward, two steps back…”

Vince Blight: Oh, you’re the man, J.T.! You just won ten dollars. Next up: Lady Gaga. [ reveal image ] “Though best known for acting in ‘The Princess Bride’, he’s also written several off-Broadway plays.”

Lady Gaga: That is Wallace Shawn.

[ ding! ]

Vince Blight: Alright! Ten dollars to you! Ready to go again, J.T.?

Justin Timberlake: You know it, Vince!

Vince Blight: [ he chuckles ] Ah, this next question is worth $100,000! Here to read the clue… is the woman herself.

[ Katie runs out ]

Katie: We made love at the W Hotel two weeks ago. It was after your premiere. You told me I was beautiful, and to, uh, never give up on my photography! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: [ dumbfounded ] …Hey, girl! You… you look good!

Katie: I know! That’s why you had sex with me! What’s my name? We had an inside joke about how my feet were cold! What’s my name?

Justin Timberlake: Uhhh… a hot babe like you… you gotta have a hot name! So… Cheyenne.

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name?

Audience: KATIE!!

Katie: Maybe you would have remembered me… if I was a rapping cat.

Vince Blight: Ooooooohhhh! Good takedown!

Justin Timberlake: [ defensive ] Okay, look — what the hell kind of show is this?

Vince Blight: It’s “What’s That Name?: Celebrity Edition”! Okay, Lady Gaga, you’re up next.

Justin Timberlake: Get ready, Gaga… this game’s tough.

Vince Blight: We’ve got another walk-on clue.

[ Alphone steps out ]

Alphonse: You don’t know me. I saw your Monster show and I hung out by the stage door.

Lady Gaga: [ excited ] Al-Phonse!

[ ding! ]

Justin Timberlake: How — how could you remember him?

Lady Gaga: He said he loves my music. You don’t forget something like that!

[ Timberlake appears stung ]

Lady Gaga: Alphonse. The woman next to you in the Jazzy — that was your sister, Marie, right?

Alphonse: Yeah, yeah! You know, her knees are lousy.

Lady Gaga: Well, you go see MY guy at Lennox Hill! He’s the BEST! And you have him send me the bill.

Alphonse: I pray for you in church!

Lady Gaga: And I for you.

Justin Timberlake: This show’s awful…

Vince Blight: I think you’re awful!

Justin Timberlake: Look, man… I’m just trying to raise some money for my charity, The Hope Foundation.

Vince Blight: [ sarcastically ] Ah, the Hope Foundation! What do they do?

Justin Timberlake: Well, you know… they, uh… uh… they, uh… they.. they raise hope. Uh… they raise hope —

[ buzz! ]

Lady Gaga: If I may, Vince: They promote musical education.

Vince Blight: Thanks, Gaga! And, uh, who are you playing for?

Lady Gaga: I am playing for the People of Japan, of course.

Vince Blight: Of course! Playing for any other cause would be a slap in their face! [ Timberlake is visibly annoyed ] So, Justin — you ready to forget the next name?

Justin Timberlake: [ irked ] Okay! Alright! I just want to say that I meet a lot of people every day, and I love ALL of my fans, okay? But when you only spend two minutes with someone in passing, it’s hard to remember their names!

Vince Blight: That’s fair. Okay, no worry, J.T. Next clue shouldn’t be hard. Bring him out1

[ Chris Kirkpatrick, formerly of N*Sync steps out ]

Chris Kirkpatrick: I was in N*Sync with you! But I’m NOT Lance Bass, you, or Jowy Fatone! What’s my name?

[ Timberlake is dumbstruck, as Lady Gaga covers her mouth ]

Vince Blight: If you can tell me even part of his name… I’ll give every charity on Earth TEN MILLION DOLLARS!

Lady Gaga: [ still covering her mouth ] Oh, I know it, I know it, I know it, I know it…

Vince Blight: I KNOW you know it, Gaga! You know it! But it’s J.T.’s turn.

Chris Kirkpatrick: Come on, man! What’s my name, J.T.!

Justin Timberlake: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I think it’s like, uh… I know this. Uh… Chu-, Choy-. Char-… Charney! Chartie!

Vince Blight: [ amused ] You think his name is “Chartie”? We don’t need a buzzer to know that that’s wrong! But let’s hear one, anyway!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: Audience! What’s That Name!

Lady Gaga: CHRIS KIRKPATRICK!!

Audience: CHRIS KIRKPATRICK!!

Justin Timberlake: I — I — I knew that! I knew that! I knew that!

Vince Blight: Yeah, okay — what’s his name? Real quick! We just said it!

Justin Timberlake: [ stumbling ] Kirk — Kirk — Kirk Charlie!

[ buzz! ]

Vince Blight: You are awful! You’re awful! And that’s our show. I’d like to thank the two of you for playing!

Lady Gaga: And I… would like to thank the crew. The entire crew! Eddie… Mike C… Donna. And everyone in the audience: Matt…

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 36: Episode 22

10v: Justin Timberlake / Lady Gaga

Justin Timberlake’s Monologue

…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Justin Timberlake!

Justin Timberlake: Wow! Wow! Thank you! Thank you! Wow! Thank you mom, I’m glad you’re here tonight mom. Um.. here we are, I’m so excted to be hosting the seson finale of “Saturday Night Live”. Now, in the past when I’ve hosted this show, I’ve also beeen the musical guest. But tonight is different. Okay? Tonight, Lady Gaga is here. Oh, I know yeah! And, ugh, I told Lorne this is great! Now there’s no pressure on me to sing because it’s Gaga’s moment. And then he said, “You’ll do one song, right?” And I said, “I don’t think so.” And he said, “Justin.” And I said, “Lorne.” And he said, “Please”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “Lorne”, and he said, “Justin”, and I said, “NO!… Lorne.” And, finally, I realized I had to explain it in a way he’d understand.

[ singing]
“I’m not gonna sing tonight.
No, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
I know you want me to sing and dance around
but I’m gonna let down
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

No I’m not gonna do that.
Just here to do the comedy thing.
And, I’m not gonna sing tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where my voice goes high!
Even though people love it.
Not gonna make the beat drop out.
Then bring it back in
’cause I’m not gonna sing tonight.

Not gonna slow it down a bit
And as I step off stage and make my way to a lady.
And sing to her like she’s the only one here tonight.
You are.
Not gonna do that thing where I sing to the lens without breaking eye contact.
Not gonna do my sexy voice or take a single sexy breath tonight.
Not gonna sing!
I’m not gonna sing!
No matter how much you cry!
I don’t wanna sing!
Just let me do my thing.
And my thing ain’t to sing, no!
Tonight!!!!!!!!
Tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O!!!!!!

Not gonna do that thing where I take my jacket off and do a silly dance move.
And don’t give me a pork-pied hat ’cause I won’t put it on tonight.
Not gonna do that thing where I shout out a place to get myself some cheaper beers!
Don’t need to do that thing, ’cause I’m in New York City tonight!
Right? Anybody here from Jersey?
Huh? Alright!
So this will be fast.

Not gonna stand in the rain and sing a song like my heart’s been broken.
I did that in a video once and I’m not gonna do it tonight.
I’m not gonna do that thing!
I’m not gonna do that sing!
I’m not gonna sing, said I’m not gonna sing, I’m not gonna sing….
TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Justin Timberlake: Lady Gaga is here! Stick around, we’ve got a great show! We’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Connor Cronholm

SNL Transcripts