Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Alec’s Belated Season’s Greetings

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: During the Christmas season, I received many Christmas cards. Unfortunately, because I was so busy, I didn’t have time to send any out myself. So, if I could, I would like to use this as my Christmas card to everyone who was kind enough to send one to me.

[ puts Santa hat on his head and begins ]

“Dear Friend, or Relative, or Business Associate. Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Solstice, or Voodoo Day.

Boy, what a year it’s been – me, with my acting, and, you doing whatever it is you do. Thanks for the Christmas card, it was very beautiful, or/and humorous. I enjoyed the photo of your kid, or kids. Boy, he, or she, or they are really getting big. Have you seen our mutual friend, if we have one? Can you believe what he or she is up to? Boy, some people! Does your son, or daughter, or sister, or brother, or husband, or wife still have that drug problem? All you can do is trust in God, or, if you prefer, voodoo.

How is Granny, or Nana, or Mema, or Yaya? So so? Hey, how about the professional sports team we both root for? They should fire, or rehire that manager of theirs. He’s a character!

Well, better go. By the way, sorry about throwing up on your carpet that time, or times. I hope you receive many presents from Santa, or the Hanukkah Guy, or the Voodoo Man… and that the coming year is as good as, or better than, or nothing like last year.Love, Alec.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Goodnights

…..Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin: I want to thank Tori Amos! [ applauds for her, as she smiles modestly ] Thank you, everybody, it was a great show! Thank you, and good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Buckwell’s Follies

Mrs. Buckwell…..Nancy Walls
Henry Buckwell…..Alec Baldwin
Man…..Will Ferrell
Governor…..Darrell Hammond
Voice #1…..David Koechner
Voice #2…..Colin Quinn
Voice #3…..Molly Shannon
Voice #4…..Will Ferrell
Woman…..Paula Pell

[ open on exterior, bedroom window, as the interior lights go out ]

[ dissolve to interior, bedroom, Henry Buckwell and his wife in bed. Buckwell sighs and ruffles his pillow into a more comfortable shape. ]

Mrs. Buckwell: What’s wrong, honey? Can’t sleep?

Henry Buckwell: I guess I’m just nervous about the election.

Mrs. Buckwell: Don’t worry. You’re gonna win. You’ll be the best governor our state has ever had.

Henry Buckwell: Thanks, sweetie.

[ a crash is heard downstairs ]

Mrs. Buckwell: [ alarmed ] I think someone’s downstairs!

Henry Buckwell: [ climbs out of bed ] I’ll get the gun.

Mrs. Buckwell: No, honey! Don’t!

[ dissolve to darkened downstairs living room, as Buckwell climbs downstairs ]

Henry Buckwell: Don’t move, I’ve got a gun!

[ Buckwell fires his gun, as a light whimper sounds ]

[ the front door opens, as a man enters. Buckwell turns on the light to reveal a bloodied dog lying across the couch. He covers his face in immediate shame. ]

Man: Lassie? Lassie? [ looks down at the couch ] Oh, my God, Lassie! You shot Lassie!

[ Mrs. Buckwell and the kids rush down the stairs ]

Mrs. Buckwell: No! No! You shot Lassie!

Kids: Daddy shot Lassie! Lassie’s dead!

Henry Buckwell: It was an accident! What the hell were you doing in hee, anyway?!

Man: She was trying to warn you that you have a carbon monoxide leak! And you shot her! It’s Lassie!

Daughter: I hate you, Daddy!

Henry Buckwell: I didn’t mean to! [ reaches his hand to Lassie ]

Man: Get away!

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Candidate Buckwell Kills Lassie” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Buckwell Falls To Second In Governor’s Race After Shooting Lassie” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer To Debate Governor Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to the governor’s debate, as the incumbent governor concludes his speech at the podium ]

Governor: And in conclusion, we need to get poor people pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, or else in prison!

[ the governor gives a knowing glance to his constituents, as they applaud for him ]

Moderator’s Voice: And now, we’ll hear from the challenger – Henry Buckwell.

[ Buckwell takes his position at the podium ]

Henry Buckwell: I guess I have a little more faith in the people than the current governor. I believe that people want to work, if given the opportunity —

Voice #1: You shot Lassie!!

Henry Buckwell: I believe that we have created a system that excludes certain races —

Voice #2: Shut up, Lassie-killer!!

Henry Buckwell: Yes, that was an accident. But, as I was saying – I envision a state where people have the opportunity to —

Voice #3: — to kill Lassie!!

Voice #4: You killed Lassie, you bastard!!

[ the crowd starts booing ]

Henry Buckwell: Listen! Please, listen! Listen! It was a mistake, alright! Have a little understanding!

[ a woman holding a baby steps forward and holds her baby up to Buckwell ]

Woman: Kiss my —

Henry Buckwell: [ leans forward and points at his confronter ] Kiss my ASS!! [ covers his face when he realizes he’s eye-level with a baby ]

Woman: [ horrified ] I was gonna say, “Kiss my baby!” [ flees the scene ]

Voice #4: He cursed at a BABY!!

Voice #3: He did! He swore at an infant!

Henry Buckwell: I couldn’t see who it was! I didn’t know!

[ the crowd boos louder ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer Candidate Curses Out Baby” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “First Dogs Now Babies” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer/Baby Curser Goes To Speak Tonight” ]

[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]

Henry Buckwell: People, there’s been some confusion about certain recent events, but I’ve come here tonight.. to speak to you as an American.

Voice #3: You’re a baby curser!

Voice #1: You shot Lassie!

[ the crowd boos, and begins pelting Buckwell with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, then blindly grabs at the American flag for something with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Buckwell Wipes Ass With Flag” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Assassin And Baby Slanderer Cleans Self With Old Glory And Offers Program To Lower Unemployment” ]

[ dissolve to spinning newspaper headline: “Lassie Killer/Baby Attacker/Flag Defiler Speak Tonight On TV” ]

[ dissolve to Buckwell speaking before a podium ]

Henry Buckwell: Ladies and gentlemen of this great state, I come before you a humble man, who hopes only to serve other people. And, yes, I’ve stumbled. I’ve shot Lassie. I’ve cursed at an infant. And, yes, I’ve wiped my ass with the American flag! But don’t let that define me. Don’t judge me. Because, someday, you could find yourself in a similar situation. You could kill Babe, that lovable pig!

Voice #3: Don’t talk about BABE like that!!

[ the crowd again begins to boo and pelt Buckman with eggs. He stumbles across the stage, almost grabs the American flag to wipe himself off, but catches himself and accidentally grabs a woman’s baby with which to wipe his pants. The crowd groans, as Buckwell realizes what we has done. ]

Voice #1: He wiped his ass with a BABY!!

Voice #4: Oh, my Goooooodd!!

[ Buckwell quickly stands behind the podium ]

Henry Buckwell: Please! Please! You’re missing my point! I just want to serve you all as governor!

Voice #4: That’ll NEVER happen!! Everyone HATES you!

Henry Buckwell: Then, I think it’s a sad day when a man can’t get elected because he shot a dog, shouted obscenities at a newborn, and defiled a flag! And, yes, wiped his ass with a baby! And I ask each of you to look beyond these things, and vote for me! Because, you know something? I think we’re gonna surprise some people! [ throws his arms up in a Nixon victory pose, as he begins to weep. The crowd cheers. ]

Announcer: [ over SCROLL ] “And he did. For Henry Buckwell went on to receive zero percent of the vote.

While the incumbent received a hundred percent.

But Henry did go on to be the governor of his own state.

He put a bunch of his daughter’s dolls around a hole in the woods and served as their governor for three years.

People would often hear his voice echo through the woods as he yelled, “I’m the Governor! I’m the Governor!

Henry Buckwell now delivers newspapers with a big radio taped to the front of his bicycle so he can let everyone know, “who’s winnin’ the ball game.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11

95k: Alec Baldwin / Tori Amos

Tales of Bill Brasky

First Friend of Brasky…..Will Ferrell
Second Friend of Brasky…..David Koechner
Third Friend of Brasky…..Alec Baldwin
Fourth Friend of Brasky…..Mark McKinney
Guy At Bar…..Tim Meadows

[ open on interior, airport bar, group of salesmen laughing and drinking ]

First Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch! Do youfellas know Bill Brasky?

Second Friend of Brasky: Hell yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He’s a big fella, goes about 6’4″, 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Brasky: He does! He’s a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: Did you know Bill Brasky is the godfather of my son?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: He’s a big fella!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh yeah, he’s a big guy! Goes about 6’7″, 385.

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol’ Bill Brasky pushes the priest aside and says, “I’ll baptize that piece of calimari!” Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, “There! You’re baptized!”

Fourth Friend of Brasky: And your son is blind to this day!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn’t he?

Third Friend of Brasky: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time BillBrasky sold me into slavery?

First Friend of Brasky: Well, if you’re talking about Bill Brasky, I believe it!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I’m chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol’ Brasky, he’s back in the States siring three beautiful children with my wife!

First Friend of Brasky: I hate Bill Brasky.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Bill Brasky? I knowBill Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: Then let me buy you a round!

Third Friend of Brasky: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time BillBrasky showed up at my daughter’s wedding? You know my daughter, she’sa beautiful girl.

First Friend of Brasky: I tell you, I’d like to have sexwith her!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, Brasky shows up.. and you know he’s a big fella.

Third Friend of Brasky: Goes about 7’8″, 530.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Well, he’s standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He’s got no right to be there, but he’s drunk and he’s Brasky! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Brasky! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos – he loves me like I’ve never been loved before!

Second Friend of Brasky: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Third Friend of Brasky: You know how Brasky served three toursin ‘Nam?

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Uh-huh!

Third Friend of Brasky: Well, I’m in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it’s Ho Tran Brasky!

First Friend of Brasky: To William Robert Brasky!

Second Friend of Brasky: Oh, yeah!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Hey, you ever go camping with Brasky?

Third Friend of Brasky: Many times.

First Friend of Brasky: I went camping with Brasky, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky?

First Friend of Brasky: Debbie Brasky. She’s 7-years-old, goes about 3’5″, 55 pounds. So, I’m in the back of a pickup with Bill Brasky and a live deer! Well, Brasky, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, “I’m Bill Brasky! Say it!” Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth – “Billbrasky!” It wasn’t exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Third Friend of Brasky: That’s Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Fourth Friend of Brasky: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First Friend of Brasky: His favorite movie is “One on One” withRobby Benson.

Fourth Friend of Brasky: Bill Brasky once gave me a videotape ofhim having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing Iever saw!

Second Friend of Brasky: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper cameraangle ] Did someone say Bill Brasky?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ]

Together: Bill Brasky!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 20th, 1996

Alec Baldwin

Tori Amos

None
NightlineSummary: Dissolution of Michael Jackson (Tim Meadows) marriage is a blow for Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond).

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Michael Jackson.

Montage

Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: Fops Lucien (Mark McKinney) and Fagan (David Koechner) help Alec Baldwin express love for his wife Kim Basinger. following the birth of their first child.

Also Hosted: 89r, 90n, 92m, 93m, 94h, 96n, 98i, 00p, 01r, 03f, 05h, 95k, 06e.

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagan.

Marshall Power ToolsSummary: John Marshall, Jr. (David Koechner) and his family members make great use of their power tools, despite their lack of body parts.

Note: Repeat from 10/28/95.

Spartan CheerleadersSummary: Craig (Will Ferrell) and Arianna (Cheri Oteri) provide unwelcomed cheers at a chess tournament.

Recurring Characters: Craig, Arianna.

Transcript

The Joe Pesci ShowSummary: Robert DeNiro (Alec Baldwin) helps Joe Pesci (Jim Breuer) assault celebrity guests Mel Gibson (Mark McKinney), Danny Glover (Tim Meadows) and Brad Pitt (David Spade).

Recurring Characters: Joe Pesci, Robert DeNiro.

Transcript

Literary TheatreSummary: Fops Lucien (David Koechner) and Fagin (Mark McKinney) present an adaptation of “Dense & Denisibility.”

Recurring Characters: Lucien, Fagin.

Tori Amos performs “Caught A Lite Sneeze”Bio: Tori Amos (1963-) re-introduced the piano as a rock instrument, with her haunting, semiconfessional piano ballads, influenced by the likes of Kate Bush and Joni Mitchell.

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Joe Blow (Colin Quinn) tries to establish a rapport with Norm MacDonald.

Recurring Characters: Joe Blow.

Buckwell’s FolliesSummary: Henry Buckwell (Alec Baldwin) embarasses himself while running for governor by shooting Lassie, cursing at a baby, and wiping his ass with the American flag and another baby.

Transcript

Fuzzy MemoriesSummary: Jack Handey recalls his days playing Pirate with his friends.

Accidentally Shot By HuntersSummary: People who resemble wild animals can’t seem to avoid being struck by a hunter’s (Will Ferrell) bullets.

Alec’s Belated Season’s GreetingsSummary: Alec Baldwin covers all his bases while recording belated video Christmas greetings.

Transcript

SheSummary: Shipmates (Alec Baldwin, Mark McKinney) use gender-identifiers for their seacraft, but not for their women.

Transcript

Tori Amos performs “Hey Jupiter”

Tales of Bill BraskySummary: Drunk businessmen (Will Ferrell, David Koechner, Mark McKinney, Alec Baldwin) praise the mythical man-beast named Bill Brasky.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

Connie Stinson Talks

Connie Stinson…..Christopher Walken
Jodie…..Will Ferrell
Crystal…..Nancy Walls
Darnell…..Tim Meadows
Cheryl…..Cheri Oteri
Tom…..Fred Wolf
Tiffany…..Molly Shannon
Young Man in Audience…..Jim Breuer
Man in Audience…..David Koechner

Connie Stinson: Hello, and welcome to “Connie Stinson Talks”. Today I talk with men who are considering dumping their lovers, because they’ve gained weight. Okay? [ camera focuses on Jodie ] Jodie says, “My girlfriend gained 75 pounds, and I ain’t gonna take it any more.” Let’s meet him. Jodie, tell us about your girlfriend.

Jodie: Well, when I met her, she was already a little overweight..

Connie Stinson: She was fat! But she got fatter. And you said, “Uh-uh, no way. Hasta la vista, fat hog!” Right?

Jodie: I just thought she should go on a diet.

Connie Stinson: You wanted that fat hog to lose weight, and one way to achieve this would be to sew the fat hog’s mouth shut. Is that what you thought?

Jodie: Good God, no! I just thought she should limit her intake of sugars, or something.

Connie Stinson: Okay, so you said, “Hey, Hog, stay away from the Chunky Chews.”

Jodie: [ confused ] I guess.. sure..

Connie Stinson: I’m sure she has something to say about that. Let’s meet her. [ Jodie’s overweight girlfriend struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Her name is Crystal.. and I think she looks pretty good. [ audience members whistle ]

Crystal: I weight 179 pounds, and I’ve never looked better, and no man can tell me otherwise!

Connie Stinson: Jodie says you’re a fat hog! He says, “I don’t want to sew the fat hog’s mouth shut. I just want you to eat less sugar.” Crystal, let me ask you this: Shouldn’t love be less superficial?

Crystal: Yeah. It should. I don’t need no man who can’t see past the surface to the girl within!

Connie Stinson: Go, girl! You’re saying, “I may be a huge, steaming hunk of fat hog, but that’s me, take it or leave it, buddy!” Right?

Crystal: Uh.. sorta.. [ audience claps ]

Connie Stinson: Okay. Let’s meet Darnell. [ camera focuses on Darnell ] Now, you told us earlier.. “I like a woman with a little meat on her bones, but lately it’s been getting ridiculous.” Right?

Darnell: Yeah! I like something to hold onto, not drive around the damn golf course! [ audience boos him ]

Connie Stinson: Uh-oh! I see fireworks coming! Let’s meet her. Cheryl, come on out. [ Darnell’s overweight girlfriend struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Hey, Cheryl? Welcome to the show! So, tell us, how do you think you look?

Cheryl: Well, I eat a lot, I’m not denying it.. But, hell, you don’t see me complaining about his gut, man! [ points to Darnell’s stomach ] Looks to me like he should wear a t-shirt that says “Baby on Board”! What about it! [ lavishes the audience’s support ]

Connie Stinson: Darnell, what do you say?

Darnell: Well, you know.. I married a girl, not a planet. You know, when I roll over on top of her, I feel like I’m Neil damn Armstrong! [ audience boos him ]

Connie Stinson: Darnell, it sounds like the audience does not agree with you. They’re saying, “Hey, sure, we’re mindless hyenas, worthless white trash, no-account colored people.. but we still know when a guy’s got his head up his ass.” Right? [ audience is stunned and silent ]

Cheryl: [ interrupting ] Hey. Hey. Hey. If Darnell don’t like me, he can put his tired ass on the next bus out! Go Greyhound, baby! Go Greyhound! [ audience cheers her ]

Connie Stinson: More power to you, girl! Love yourself the way you are. Just look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Fat, stinking hog, I like you!” Would you do for me, honey, huh?

Cheryl: [ speechless ] Uh.. I.. I.. suppose I could..

Connie Stinson: How about a hand for her, folks? [ audience claps ] That’s one brave hog! Okay, let’s meet Tom. He’s different from other men.. [ camera focuses on Tom ] ..aren’t you? He says, “Although my wife is fat now, I’d like her to be even fatter.” Tom, explain that.

Tom: Well, I’m kind of skinny, you know? So, psychologically, it’s weird.. but if my wife would add a few more pounds, I’d love her even more. [ audience coos ]

Connie Stinson: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! So, you say, “Hey, I’m a skinny puke. So, I’m glad my wife’s a fat slice of hog meat. But, because I’m half-a-fag, I’d like her to be even more of a stinking hog.” Is that it?

Tom: I don’t know.. it sounds different when you say it.

Tiffany: Let’s meet her. Tiffany? Honey, come on out. [ Tom’s overweight wife struts onto the stage and sits next to him ] Ouch! Look at you! You’re a mountain! Even so, Tom says he wants you to be an even bigger stinking fat hog!

Tiffany: Yeah? Well, any food that I eat is less food than makes it to his skinny ass!

Connie Stinson: Go, girl! Say it loud: “I’m a hog married to a fruit, and I’m proud!” Okay, audience, any questions? [ pulls a young man out of the audience ]

Young Man in Audience: Yeah, this is for Cheryl – I just want to say that if your man dumps you, he’s stupid, because I think that you’re beautiful! [ audience cheers ]

Connie Stinson: Darnell, let me just say something here. It sounds like other men don’t have a problem with your greasy hog wife. Now, why should you? [ gives a man in the audience a chance to speak ]

Man in Audience: Yeah, I got something I want to say. The guys up there, they must be crazy.. ’cause any one of these beautiful girls can come to my house anytime, and I’ll make them feel like a woman! [ relishes the audience’s cheers ]

Connie Stinson: Wait a minute. Ladies. Okay, this is the point. Did you hear that? He just said, “Hey, big fat, gross hogs.. my face is leaving town in five minutes. Be on it!” Isn’t that right?

Man in Audience: [ appalled ] No.. I’ve changed my mind.. never mind. [ bumper reads: “Changed his mind. No longer wants big gross ho on face.” ]

Connie Stinson: Guys, guys.. wait a minute.. wait, wait.. We’re at the end of the show. I think this audience is trying to tell you, “Look past the mounds of gross, fat hog flesh, and see the beauty within.” Folks, that’s our show. As Baudelaire said, “Beauty is for those who only see. Real beauty is for those who feel.” Now.. if you’re a fat piece of stinking hog, you should like that one. Join me tomorrow for more idiots and freaks.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

Rita Delvecchio

Rita Delvecchio…..Cheri Oteri
Vic…..Christopher Walken

[ Scene opens in a snowy neighborhood. Camera zooms in and dissolves on an outside shot of Rita Delvecchio’s snow-covered porch, decorated in Christmas lights. Rita steps out of her house ]

Rita Delvecchio: [ addresses a “neighbor” who is offscreen ] Hey, Loretta. Is it cold enough for ya? Yeah, can you believe this? Three sons and I gotta shovel the walk myself. Yeah, yeah, it’s only three o’clock in the afternoon and they’re still in bed. Yeah, they got a whole day of doing nothing ahead of them, so they need their sleep. All right, yeah. All right, doll, I’ll talk to-hey, if you hear a snap, it’s my back. Call 911. Oh! Don’t listen to me, Loretta! Oh, I’m bad. All right, honey. I’ll talk to you later, doll. [ someone off-set throws a sled on Rita’s front steps. Rita comes over and picks it up ] All right, okay? You see this? [ holds up sled ] Okay, you see this? You kids got a hark–a whole park to play in, but you got to slip ‘n slide in front of my house. Guess what? I keep it now. Okay, yeah. [ turns to put sled down ] That’d be good, have your mother come and get it [ turns her head ] I hear ya, smart-ass. [ puts sled away, addresses another “neighbor” who is off-screen ] Uh, hi, Bella. Yeah, twenty-four inches, they said, Bell. Now I know why they call it a “winter wonderland”; I’m “wonder”ing where the frig my car is buried. Bella! Oh, I’m bad. Oh, honey, you know me. Yeah, Mother Nature, right, Bell. Hey, listen, if you see her, send her over. I want to introduce her to the blunt end of my shovel. You set me up, you bitch. Oh, you set me up, Bella! All right, doll. Go inside. I’ll talk to you later.

[ cut to a two-shot of Rita still on the stairs of her porch with the shovel and Vic, a man in a pale bluish-green and purple snowsuit with gold chains and lime green gloves, pushing a snowblower on Rita’s walkway ]

Rita Delvecchio: [ to Vic ] Hey, Vic. Whatcha got there, a rocket ship?

Vic: Naw, Rita. This is my new snowblower.

Rita Delvecchio: [ partially drowned out by the snowblower motor ] Snowblower, wow.

Vic: Yeah, it’s got a 4½ horsepower…Briggs and Stratton motor. All-wheel…drive and fuel-injected carbs, pop-up pistons.

Rita Delvecchio: Vic, Vic, why don’t you put a back seat in and some dice…and we can steam up the back windows, Vic. Oh, Vic!

Vic: Oh, Rita, you’re-you’re an animal.

Rita Delvecchio: [jokingly] Ah, Vic, I’m bad. You know better, you know better than that.

[ A kid with a blue snow shovel approaches Rita’s walk ]

Kid: Hey, Mrs. Delvecchio?

Rita Delvecchio: Yeah.

Kid: Would you like your walk shoveled?

Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Vic, my prince has come. [to Kid] All right, baby, [indicates point at which the kid should start] Why don’t you just start on the end-

Kid: [interrupst her] It’s $35.00. $50.00 and I’ll do the driveway, too.

Rita Delvecchio: [in sotto voce to Vic] Did you hear that, Vic? The little Al Capone is trying to give me a break [yells at kid and menaces him with her orange shovel] Get the hell off my property, you wallet-totin’ Anti-Christ!

[ snowballs are thrown at Vic and Rita from offscreen. Rita tries to fight them off]

Vic and Rita: [as they’re getting hit] Hey! Hey! Watch it!

Rita Delvecchio: [brandishing her orange shovel to the offscreen perpetrators] Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay, you better run! You better run! I got eyes in the back of my head. Bastards. [to Vic] That sure is a great machine.

Vic: Yeah.

Rita Delvecchio: I’ll tell ya, it looks like it does the work of ten men, Vic.

Vic: Just as long as it does the work…of this man, Rita. That’s all I care about.

Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I hear ya, Vic. I hear ya. Uh, hey, Vic, why don’t you show me how to work one of those things- [ snowballs are thrown at Rita and Vic again]

Vic: Hey! Hey!

Rita Delvecchio: [runs up the stairs of her porch] Okay, all right. See this? [brandishes orange snow shovel] You cracked-up little bastards! You crack-pipin’, motherless– [rushes back to Vic] Vic, Vic, did you see this?

Vic: [to the offscreen perpetrators] Hey, guys, come on. No throwing snowballs, huh? Show respect!

Rita Delvecchio: [to Vic] Did you see that? [to the offscreen perpetrators] Keep running! [back to Vic]: Hey, Vic, you know what? I almost forgot to tell ya. Um, yeah. You know I-I made a little too much pasta fagioli last night. Why don’t you, why don’t you, when you’re finished, come up to the house, and I’ll give you some to take home?

Vic: What are you, Rita? An angel…sent from above? I love pasta fagioli.

Rita Delvecchio: Hey, Vic. Hey, Vic? Vic, you know what I’d love? You know what I’d love, Vic?

Vic: What?

Rita Delvecchio: I’d love a clear walkway. Can you help me out?

Vic: Geez, Rita. I’d love to, but I do yours, I gotta do the whole block.

Rita Delvecchio: Ain’t gotta do the whole block, Vic. You just gotta do mines.

Vic: Geez, Rita. I would love to, but– [someone offscreen throws a red, plastic disc used for sledding on the porch].

Rita Delvecchio: [runs over and picks up the red disk] Oh, okay, all right. See this? See this? Okay. Guess what? Guess who’s got a new-a new-uh, a new one of these things. These little things? Okay? I keep it now. Mrs. Delvecchio has it, has it, yeah! It’s mine now, okay? You happy? Oh, yeah? Go shoot up your hashish. [walks back over to Vic] You heard me. Bastards. Smart-ass bastards. [to Vic] All right, Vic, let’s cut the crap. What do I gotta do to get you to use that humper on my walk?

Vic: You cut the crap; I’ll cut the crap. You want the truth, Rita?

Rita Delvecchio: Yeah, I want the truth.

Vic: I’m never gonna…do your walk. Because every year…you keep your Christmas lights up seven days after Three Kings’ Day. Everybody else takes theirs down. You make the whole block look bad.

Rita Delvecchio: All right. You’re talking out your ass, Vic, okay? Because–because the Vatican extended the removal of house lights until two weeks after the Epiphany–two weeks after the Epiphany.

Vic: [skeptically] Rita, come on. [starts up motor to snowblower]

[Rita and Vic get hit with snowballs yet again]

Rita Delvecchio: Hey, hey! Okay! All right, that’s enough!

Vic: Who threw that? Who threw that?

Rita Delvecchio: [pointing offscreen] Get ‘em, Vic! Vic, go get ‘em! I see ‘em.

Vic: Okay. You rat bastard. Let’s see…how funny it is…when I blow your nose off. [picks himself up and climbs on top of the snow] See how funny it is…when I bury your face…in the yellow snow [runs offscreen]

Rita Delvecchio: [cheering Vic on] Go get ‘em, Vic. Go get ‘em, Vic. That’s it! [the snowblower falls over onto Rita’s walkway. Rita climbs over the side of her porch and tries to pull down her skirt as it rides up, revealing a pair of white undershorts] Oooh, oooh! Vic, it touched my porch. I keep it now! I keep it now. It touched my porch! It’s mine! [climbs off the edge of the porch and gets behind the snowblower] It touched my porch. It’s mine now, Vic…

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

Goodnights

…..Christopher Walken

Christopher Walken: I want to thank John – [ corrects himself ] Joan – Osborne. And my special guests, uh, Governor.. Pataki. And.. Mayor Guiliani. [ Mayor Guiliani gives the thumbs-up; Gov. Pataki shakes Walken’s hand ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 10

95j: Christopher Walken / Joan Osborne

The Execution

Warden…..Tim Meadows
Mr. Wilson…..Christopher Walken
Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins…..David Koechner

Warden: Well, your number’s finally up, Boyle.

Mr. Wilson: I ain’t afraid to die, Warden. Do your worst.

Warden: Then let the records show, that on this day, January 13th, 1996, by the power vested in me..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ interrupting ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!Should I pull this thing here right now? [ acknowsledges switch ] Can I do it now? Or are you gonna give me some kinda “hi” sign?

Warden: Uh.. no, Mr. Executioner, if you could..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, hey, hey, no formalities! [ stepsforward ] The name’s Gerald Tibbins. Friends call me “T-Bone”.

Mr. Wilson: [ confused ] Is this part of it?

Warden: No, Mr. Wilson.. Executioner, you’re supposed to remainanonymous! The hood.. please!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Oh, hell, I don’t mind! I can barely see out of that thing, anyway! [ pulls hood off his head ] Hey, you know what I was thinking? I’d like to meet this here fellow if you don’t mind! [ to Mr. Wilson ] Hey! Name’s Gerald. Hey, I guess you oughtta call me Dr. Kevorkians, huh? Hey, listen, don’t press no charges, okay? [ laughs ]

Mr. Wilson: Uh.. could you not speak to me? I’d like to be alone here with my thoughts, in my final moments.

Warden: Executioner?

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: T-Bone.

Warden: Whatever. Would you please refrain from talking to theprisoner?

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, listen here, I’m just trying to lighten the mood upalright? This fella here’s about to become fried eggs over easy. I just pop ’em straight on up there! I thought he might appreciate a little, what? Levity, that’s what. Maybe I’ll just go back to my station. Boop-boop! [ returns to the switch ]

Warden: Any last words, Boyle?

Mr. Wilson: You know what I’m gonna say, Warden. You can kill me, but you’d be killing an innocent man. That’s something you’re going to have to take with you to your.. [ suddenly receives an electrical shock ] Owwww! What the heck was that!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! It’s working! Hey! That thing heats up pretty good, don’t it! What do you think, Mr. Murder Man? You think that there will do the trick!

Warden: [ angry ] Executioner, for the last time, please wait for my signal!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, what’s signal gonna be? I gottaunderstand. Are you gonna give me a high sign? You gonna give me a low sign? I tell you what – why don’t you give me one of them baseball steal signs, like this.. [ makes baseball steal gestures ] ..whoop! Whoop-whoop whoop! [ to Mr. Wilson ] I tell you what, you wanna call it out?

Mr. Wilson: [ upset ] No! I don’t! You don’t understand? I’m about to die! I’m scared! Please, leave me alone!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Well, excuse me, Sparky. I just thought you and me could, you know, hook up on a little system there. When you’re ready, you could just yell out there, “Ready, steady, go!” or maybe, “Let ‘er rip!” or how about this one here: “Take me home, Jesus!“

Mr. Wilson: PLease!

Warden: Mr. Tibbins, go back to your station!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Alright, Captain. Hey! You run a pretty tight shift, don’t you? [ walks back ]

Warden: I’m very, very sorry about this, Boyle.. we’ve never had this problem..

Mr. Wilson: Don’t apologize to me, Warden. Apologize to my mother! For taking away her son.. a son she dearly loved.. a son who one day had aspirations to.. [ receives electrical shock ] Ow!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ hands on the switch ] Whoo! Fire in the hole! Over here! Over here! That was my fault! You know, Warden, my hands got a little sweaty, that’s all!

Mr. Wilson: Have you on decency?! I’m about to die! [ receivesanother electrical shock ] Ow!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, that was me again! Listen, I was just funnin’ with you a little bit.. hey! Sorry about that, Hotplate, alright? Tell you what I’m gonna do – since this is your final hour, I’m gonna sing you a little funeral dirge, what do you say? I’ll take requests.

Mr. Wilson: [ annoyed ] Just let me die..

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ thinking ] Let’s see.. don’t know that one.. how about this one? [ singing ] “Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls.. they’re gonna.. Good God o’ Mighty! ..get you everytime that they can..” Come on, now!

Warden: Enough, Mr. Tibbins, please! Just go back to your station!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: Hey, I’ll do that in just one second, Warden – I gotta visit the water closet.

Warden: What?!

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: I gotta take a squirt! [ exits ]

Mr. Wilson: Warden, please.. this is insufferable! Why am I being tortured like this?

Warden: I-I’m terribly sorry.. [ phone rings, Warden picks it up ] Hello? Yes, Governor. A reprieve? [ to Mr. Wilson ] They’ve granted you a reprieve.

Mr. Wilson: [ unenthused ] Great.

Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins: [ opens door holding another phone in the air ] Hey! Gotcha! That was just me! Hey, guess what – phone works! [ drops his phone and returns to the switch ] Hey! Let’s do this! [ singing ] Don’t go chasing them there waterfalls..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


January 13th, 1996

Christopher Walken

Joan Osborne

None

Mayor Rudolph Giuliani

Gov. George Pataki

Dennis McNicholas

Paula Pell

Ryan Shiraki
The Blizzard of ’96Summary: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani & Governor George Pataki apologize for the low quality of tonight’s show, due to the past week’s blizzard and the cast’s efforts to assist with snow removal instead of rehearsing.

Montage

Christopher Walken’s MonologueSummary: Christopher Walken sings about snow with the Snowdiggers (Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Nancy Walls).

Also Hosted: 89k, 92d, 99p, 00t, 02m.

Rita DelvecchioSummary: Rita Delvecchio (Cheri Oteri) tries to get her neighbor, Vic (Christopher Walken), to clear up her walk with his snowblower.

Recurring Characters: Rita Delvecchio.

Transcript

The ContinentalSummary: The Continental (Christopher Walken) fails again with an unintended female visitor to his elegant bachelor pad.

Recurring Characters: The Continental.

Joan Osborne performs “One Of Us”

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonaldSummary: Jim Breuer demonstrates how his stomach reacts to various alcholic beverages. Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) draws a comparison between civil rights and laughter.

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Connie Stinson TalksSummary: Talk show host Connie Stinson (Christopher Walken) fuels the wrath of his guests by putting their feelings into his own man-spirited words.

Transcript

Mary Katherine GallagherSummary: Mary Katherine Gallagher (Molly Shannon) indulges in a daydream about dancing with her guidance counselor (Christopher Walken).

Recurring Characters: Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Spade in AmericaSummary: Christopher Walken mans the desk so David Spade can deliver a live outdoor remote at the scene of the blizzard, but technical problems result in David Spade never realizing he’s on the air as he makes fun of Christopher Walken and the cast of “Saturday Night Live.”

The ExecutionSummary: While manning the switch, Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins (David Koechner) tortures a death row inmate (Christopher Walken) in his last minutes on Earth.

Recurring Characters: Gerald “T-Bone” Tibbins.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts