Category: 2018

Weekend Update: Goop Staffer Basking Johns: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Michael Che

Baskin Johns…..Heidi Gardner

[ Inside the newsroom, Michael and Coli are seated at the news desk. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop, celebrated its tenth anniversary last week. Here to tell us about the latest in self-care is Goop staffer, Baskin Johns. [ Baskin Johns slides over in her chair to join Michael at the news desk. ] So Baskin, how long have you been working at Goop?

Baskin Johns: So, I started at Goop pretty recently. But, um, I just finished my product knowledge training. So, I’m very excited to share some Goop skin care with you.

MICHAEL CHE: That’s great. And I bet Gwyneth is watching.

Baskin Johns: Oh, yeah. Hadn’t thought about that. Okay. So, alright. Um. [ She pulls out a beauty care product. ] So, up first is our Goop Revitalizing Lotion. It’s the number one most revitalizing lotion in the world. Rated number one in revitalization. Right? Yeah. No, yeah. That’s right. Sorry. Like I said, there is a lot of products to memorize at Goop. And, um, I just wanted to get it right, if Gwyn’s tuning in.

MICHAEL CHE: I hope I didn’t freak you out when I said Gwyneth might be watching.

Baskin Johns: No, Oh my God, no. I’m good. Okay.

MICHAEL CHE: Because, Goop is a pretty big company.

Baskin Johns: Yeahhh. Yeahhh. Uh-huh. Um. You know we actually have our own science labs.

MICHAEL CHE: Oh, wow and I assume there is no animal testing and its cruelty free.

Baskin Johns: Yes, there’s no animals involved. All the testing and cruelty is done on and to the staff.

MICHAEL CHE: So you test the products on yourselves?

Baskin Johns: Speaking of, I have another product that I wanted to get out there. [ She puts the product in her hand aside and pulls out a smaller container. ] So this is our Goop Luminous Solution. And it’s uh [ She hesitates. ] …number one most luminous solution in the world. [ She hesitates again. ] Rated number one in luminous-ization.

MICHAEL CHE: I thought the first lotion was rated [ He imitates her voice. ] ‘number one’.

Baskin Johns: Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah, no. Yeah. Actually. [ She holds up both the products. ] So these two lotions are tied for number one best supporting lotion. [ She pretend fights the lotion containers. ] They’re duking it out.

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, I actually like the smell of that one.

Baskin Johns: Yeah! Can you smell the number ones in there? [ She opens the smaller container and holds is close to Michael’s face. ]

MICHAEL CHE: Yeah, okay, so Baskin..I don’t know what number ones are. What would you say is Goop’s mission statement?

Baskin Johns: Oh. [ She hesitates to speak while attempting to close the lotion several times. ] Sa Goop? Sa Goop…So Goop. Okay, Gwyneth is watching. Hi Gwyneth. So Goop, ummmm. So Goop is to me, okay so… Goop is, I don’t even know what Goop is [ She begins to cry a little. She holds up the two lotion bottles. ] This is Goop.

MICHAEL CHE: You seem a little on edge. Is Gwyneth Paltrow like a hard person to work for?

Baskin Johns: Noooo. Noo. No. No, no, no, no. [ She begins to nod. ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, um. What are you doing to me? You’re going to make me Goop my pants. Oh my God, which would be an honor Gwyn. I would love to Goop my pants.

MICHAEL CHE: Baskin Johns everybody.

Baskin Johns: I’ll get it right next time, Gwyn. I promise. I promise I will.

Halloween Gig: Season 44 Episode 3

Trese Henderson (Singer)…..Kenan Thompson

Jenks (Electric Piccolo)…..Seth Meyers

Brad Dates (Keyboardist)…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Chris Redd

Audience 2…..Leslie Jones

[ Image of the outside of a Residence Inn Marriott. ]

[ Cut to the inside of presentation room inside the hotel. There is a band on stage, one man is playing the keyboard, another is playing the flute, and the third is in the middle singing on the microphone. There are pumpkins decorating the set. ]

Trese: [ Music is playing. ] Yes, I will ignore. Yes, thank you very much. Hello, Kingston residents in the Marriott. Once again I am Trese Henderson, and this is the Trese Henderson Trio. We are moments away from announcing the winners of the adult Halloween Costume Contest. [ Cut to the audience of the band sitting at three tables in costumes. ] For adults only. [ Cut back to the band. ] But first, let’s get back to the show! [ The band starts to play music, again. ] Tweedle-de-dee Tweedle-de-snatch Tweedle-de-snacks inside the pumpkin. [ Intense short piccolo solo. Music ends. ] Ladies and gentlemen, I could not stand up here in front of you tonight without the amazing little babies you see behind me. Brad Dates on keyboard.

Brad: 100% Tres! [ Short keyboard solo. ]

Trese: I told you! And our newest edition Mr. Jenks on the electric piccolo.

Jenks: Watch me fly, Trese! [ Short piccolo solo. The piccolo zaps him. ] Ooh, ooh, ooooooh! I got a little shock.

Trese: From the electricity in your piccolo?

Jenks: That would be my guess, Trese.

Trese: Wow! Well this week went from bad to worst for you, didn’t it?

Jenks: Oh I’m fine.

Trese: You were sad in the car.

Jenks: I was quiet.

Trese: I think you were sad. Is is about that thing?

Jenks: I don’t want to talk about it here.

Trese: The thing, that the doctor said he thought you had.

Brad: That’s personal, Trese.

Jenks: Seriously, you don’t need to worry about it.

Trese: Well, as your roommate, I think I do. Because we use the same washcloths.

Jenks: Drop it!

Trese: Fine!

[ The band begins to play music, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-pop. Tweedle-de-candle inside the pumpkin top. [ The music ends. ] Alright, how is everybody feeling tonight?

[ Cut to the two audience members sitting at the center table up front. ]

Audience 2: Confused. What’s going on with your piccolo player.

Audience 1: Yeah, we have some theories on what’s going on. I think he has athlete’s foot.

Audience 2: I think he got panty crickets.

[ Cut back to the band on stage. ]

Trese: Did you hear that Jenk’s? We are all wondering if you have panty crickets? People care. Open up.

Jenks: Let’s just do the gig, and not worry the people.

Brad: Respect his boundaries, Trese.

Trese: I am just trying to help. My intentions are pure.

[ The band begins to play, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-north. Tweedle-de-south. What did the pumpkin say out his Halloween mouth? [ The music ends. His phone rings. ] Oh, I’m getting a phone call. [He answers his cell phone. ] Kingston medical? Yes, hello. Yes, this is Trese. Yes, I’m with him right now. Jenks, it’s your doctor.

Jenks: Well, you’re my emergency contact.

Trese: Aww, that’s sweet.

Jenks: Can I talk to them?

Trese: Well, who’s stopping ya?

Jenks: Okay, so I do have it. How’d I get it? But, I never touched one of those. Oh, I did lick it. Of course, I have clothes. Get rid of them? What about my roommates clothes? So we need to rid of his, as well?

Trese: Even my Gucci shoes?! Ask the doctor if shoes are clothes.

Jenks: He said everything.

Trese: Not my Gucci shoes! But does he know that the shoes are Gucci?

Jenks: He heard you, and he said, ‘yes.’

Trese: Oh my Gucci shoes! I have to throw them away because of your panty crickets?

Jenks: I’m so sorry Trese. I know how much you love your Gucci shoes.

Trese: Yes Jenks. They were my friends. Tell that to my Gucci shoe.

[ The music begins again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-twop. Tweedle-de-pumpkin from the tree top! [ The music ends. ]

Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe: Season 44 Episode 3

Mary Anne Conroe…..Aidy Bryant

Bayou Benny…..Beck Bennett

Seth Meyers…..Seth Meyers

Taylor Swift…..Heidi Gardner

Chili Pepper with Sunglasses…..Kate McKinnon

Giant Biscuit…..Alex Moffat

[ Opening image reads “AOC Public Access Lafayette LA” ]

Voiceover: You’re watching AOC Public Access Lafayette Louisiana. Coming up next is Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe.

[ Cut to intro for Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe which has the title and an alligator in front of a swamp scenery. ]

[ Cut to Mary Anne sitting with a beer can and a glass of beer. ]

Mary Anne: Oh hey there! I’m Mary Anne Conroe. And ‘dis be the Bayou Benny’s Liberal Lagniappe. The number one most progressive panel show south of the Atchafalaya base. Let’s get the hootin’ and the hollerin’ for the little crawdaddy that gonna turn these red states blue. It’s Bayou Benny!

[ Cut to Benny Bayou. ]

Benny: Aw, hey there, now how Y’all be doing that there, that now, that Y’all be doing that now here, huh? Okay, good, good. Welcome back now to the liberal lagniappe. My name Bayou Benny and this week’s sponsors of the show be ANTIFA. [ Cut to black screen with ANTIFA logo and the words that Benny says next. ] ‘ANTIFA We angrier den a box of ghosts what been trapped in dat dare box by a witch!’ [ Cut back to Benny. ] Okay, now got a lot of the liberal agenda to get through today. Let’s meet that dare panel. She’s the southern liberal I called who don’t spoke on some of that lecture for the rocky top state of Tennessee, it’s da Taylor Swift.

[ Cut to Taylor Swift. ]

Taylor: [ She gives peace signs on both her hands. ] Hi Y’all. People decided they liked me again.

Benny: [ He gives a loud chuckle. ] Okay now, our next panelist here done graduate a magna cum laude from dat done Toulon University. And is the best damn friend dare I done have. Please welcome da awnry gator dat done be sleeping under my house.

[ Cut to an alligator that’s the size of a man. ]

Benny: And our ‘herd panelist there, for this here show that we been doin’ now on here be our Chief White House Correspondent here at the Liberal Lagniappe, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the chilli pepper with da sunglas ses.

[ Cut to a giant chili pepper with sunglasses. ]

Chili Pepper: Thanks so much for having me Benny, I’m looking forward to meeting for dialogue.

Benny: Ha, ha. Me too, me too Chili Pepper. And our final panelist on this here show here be the host of the Late Night with Seth Meyers. It’s da, Seff Meyers.

[ Cut to Seth Meyers. ]

Seth: What is this?

[ Benny and the panelists are seated together at a table. ]

Benny: Oh you know what it is. You’re on the Liberal Lagniappe. Now what you dawn done right now bout that right now dare now done now, you here?

Seth: Yes?

Benny: [ Benny chuckles loudly. ] Now what you think about the big ol’ news of the day?

Seth: What’s the big ol’ news of the day?

Benny: Oh yes sir.

Seth: [ He looks confused. ] I guess…I don’t know. Trump’s comments about Brett Kavanaugh are pretty outlandish. I mean to say he was proven innocence is just down right false.

Chili Pepper: Now I have to agree.

Taylor: Yeah, way out of line.

[ The alligator makes a whooshing growling sound in agreement. ]

Chili Pepper: Exactly. And what about Trump saying Democrats are too dangerous to govern?

Taylor: Ahh, don’t even get me started.

Yeah, it’s wild to see Republicans politicize the Supreme Court like this. It kind of undermines the entire institution.

[ A siren goes off and a red light flashes. ]

Benny: Oh, ohhh. Now dat dare’s one spicy little dank there Mr. Meyers. You know what that means?

Seth: Uh? That I’m insightful and socially conscious?

Benny: Uh uhh, no, it’s means that you got to wrestle with this here big ol’ biscuit.

[ A man in a giant biscuit costume comes out wearing a ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Seth: Oh, oh okay, so I think I’m getting it. You guys are all liberal?

Benny: Oh, that’s right!

Seth: And that’s why you want me to wrestle the maga biscuit.

Benny: Oh, yes sir.

Seth: Well, I’m not gonna wrestle the biscuit.

Benny: Well, that’s your decision then.

Biscuit: I guess I’ll just go den…

[ Mary Anne comes over to the biscuit with a broom and sweeps him out of the room. The Biscuit man looks sad and runs off. ]

Mary Anne: Go on, get outta here Biscuit!

Benny: Get on outta here Biscuit! Nobody want ya!

Mary Anne: Get outta here!!!

Benny: Go on back to your pan, you biscuit!!! Dang done biscuit!! Woo! Well folks, since we done be wrapping things up here at the liberal lagniappe, I think it’s time we took a da closer look at dis here.

[ Cut to title screen that reads: ‘Do Closer Look At Dis Here.’ ]

Benny: Oh. Now here now, see now here, since that there big ol’ possum with a toothache, Mr. Trump done gone lost dat dare lady UN ambassador. Seth, who dat gone be next dat you gone done think gonna take over that post?

Seth: I’m sorry, I could not understand a word that you are saying.

Benny: Seth, who dat gone be next that you think gone take over that there post?

Seth: Are you asking a question? I can’t tell.

[ Benny gasps for air. ]

Benny: The lady UN ambassador.

Seth: Nikki Haley, yes.

Benny: She done gone flew out dat dere White House like a cat lick late for sin practice, huh?

Seth: I genuinely don’t know what you mean by that.

Benny: [ He sighs. ] She done dem take dem feet she got and she put da one in front of da other…guh-dunk-a-dunk, guh-dunk-a-dunk. And den walked up dat whole body dare and put it up dem dare right out da White House. Huh?

Seth: What, I mean…you’re saying she resigned? Yeah.

Benny: And dat’s our show dare folks. Y’all have a good night now. And tune in next week when James Carville gonna eat a whole rubber. Okay, see you den.

Cuban Vacation: Season 44 Episode 3

Reynolds…..Seth Meyers

Deidre…..Heidi Gardner

Man 1…..Kenan Thompson

Woman 1…..Aidy Bryant

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Man 2…..Beck Bennett

Restaurant Manager…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of the outside of a restaurant. ]

[ Cut to a table of 6 inside the restaurant. 2 of the seats remain empty, while the other 4 have two couples seated at them. ]

Woman 1: Should we just go? I mean they’re not here yet.

Woman 2: Good thing we ate.

Man 2: They keep texting me that they’re just around the corner.

Man 1: Well, they’ve been around the corner for the past three hours.

Woman 2: There they are.

Woman 1: Deidre, Reynolds, you guys made it. [ Deidre and Reynolds enter the room and sit at the table. Reynolds mutters, “Hi, oh hi you guys.” ] We were getting worried.

Deidre: Oh my God. Is it 11:43 pm?

Man 1: Yes it is. We already ate, and this place is about to close.

Deidre: Oh, I’m sorry. We just got back from Coo-ba yesterday.

Reynolds: We’re jet-lagged from the Coo-ba flight.

Deidre: Yeah.

Woman 2: The Cuba? How long is that flight?

Woman 1: Yeah, because we are in Florida.

Man 2: Yeah isn’t that like the same time zone?

Deidre: Again, yeah, I’m sorry, but we are on Coo-ban time.

Reynolds: Yeah.

Man 1: Okay, so the same time?

Woman 2: So, did you guys have fun?

Reynolds: Mmhmm.

Deidre: Uhh.

Reynolds: Mmm.

Deidre: Uhh.

Reynolds: Mmm.

[ Deidre giggles. ]

Deidre: Fun? I mean everything is a party in C00-ba.

Reynolds: Coo-ba is alive with music and color and wild women in the streets.

Deidre: Oh, I mean, you know. They’re poor, but they’ve got rhythm. [She starts to move her shoulders and dance in her chair. ] And they dance. [ Reynolds makes a sound of agreement. ] Oooh.

Reynolds: And all. It’s so wonderful. All the Coo-ban children, they love to smoke. [ He motions smoking with his hands. Deidre then also motions smoking with her hands and mouth. ]

Deidre: And you know what, they look so cool doing it. You know just leaned up against saturated pastel shops. [ Deidre and Reynolds go back to back and continue to motion smoking with their hands and mouth. ] Smoking.

Man 2: Should we call it a night?

Woman 1: Yeah, yeah. The wait staff is giving us that look of ‘get out of here.’

Reynolds: Awww, but we’re just getting to the best part, baby.

Deidre: Yeah, okay, so. On our last night in Habana.

Reynolds: Ha-vah-nah. That’s in Coo-ba by the way.

Deidre: Yes. So there was this wild Coo-ban man, and he was waving to me [ She motions ‘come here’ with her hand. ] Like this.

Reynolds: Like that.

Deidre: And you know, this [ She continues to motion with her hand. ] means the same thing in Coo-ba as it does here. [ She keeps motioning. ] This.

Man 1: Come here? Yeah, I imagine that’s pretty standard worldwide.

Woman 2: Seriously, we should go. You know the kids they have to wake up early.

Reynolds: Just one sec, because you’re going to want to hear what we did. It was so fiercely Coo-ban.

Deidre: Alright, so it turns out, we went to this authentic Coo-ban rooster competition.

Reynolds: Yeah.

Man 2: A rooster competition?

Waitress: hey guys

Reynolds: Yes, a rooster competition. Like a beauty pageant. All these wild Coo-bans just throwing money [ Reynolds and Deidre begin to motion throwing money with their hands. ] throwing money. Just throwing it, at male chickens.

Deidre: Oh, and they sat us in the front. In front of this little dirt circle pit. Yeah, because I think they thought Reynold was Kiefer Sutherland.

Reynolds: I knew they thought it, but I wasn’t telling them any different because to the best seats for this rooster competition.

Woman 1: Yeah, are you sure you weren’t sitting front row at a cock fight?

Deidre: Umm?

Reynolds: I think we would know if we were a cock fight baby.

Deidre: Yeah, I mean the two roosters were definitely enemies. But, it felt more like a dance. [ She begins to dance with her shoulders again. ] You know, like a real bird Kabuki.

Reynolds: Yeah, I mean feathers were flying and I may be wrong because I have a low IQ. [ Deidre points to Reynolds and nods her head in agreement. ] But it felt very planned.

Man 2: You guys were definitely at a cockfight.

Reynolds: We were not. We were at a Coo-ban rooster review.

Man 1: But was there a dead rooster at the end of it?

Deidre: No.

Reynolds: No.

Deidre: No, I mean, there was one rooster who was obviously like ‘I’m out.’

Reynolds: Yes.

Deidre: He’s done.

Reynolds: I mean if anything it was the end of a very long day for that rooster.

Deidre: You know, cause, it’s hot. Cause it’s Coo-ba.

Reynolds: It’s Coo-ba.

Deidre: And it’s a Coo-ban sun.

Reynolds: Coo-ban sun.

Deidre: And the rooster just laid down and was like, ‘I’m done.’

[ The restaurant manager walks over to the table of couples. ]

Manager: Hey guys. I’m the manager here.

Woman 1: We are leaving.

Manager: Good, cause the kitchen’s closed. So…

Reynolds: How ‘bout the bar?

Manager: I can get you drink, but you do have to promise to stop saying Coo-ba.

Reynolds: Okay fine, baby.

Deidre: I would like a gin on the rocks with one coob.

Reynolds: And I’ll have one coob in a mo-gee-toe.

Deidre: Get out.

Reynolds: Okay.

Manager: Just you two, get out.

Deidre: Alright.

Trees: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Chris Redd

…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Bro Sir…..Beck Bennett

Doctor…..Alex Moffat

[ Scene opens with a sign that says, ‘Help the Trees.’ The camera pans to Chris Redd and Pete Davidson standing with two other men; they are dressed like Hip Hop performers. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey excuse me, Mr. Bro Sir.

[ Mr. Bro Sir approaches the men on the street. ] You have time to talk about the environment?

PETE DAVIDSON: Trees!

CHRIS REDD: Climate change!

Mr. Bro Sir: Oh, no.

[ Chris takes off his sunglasses. ]

CHRIS REDD: What you mean ‘no’?

Mr. Bro Sir: I just don’t believe in that garbage.

CHRIS REDD: Yo, bag this fool, man. Get the car. [ One of the other men with Chris and Pete put a black bag over Mr. Bro Sir’s head. Yeah, let’s get him in the car. [ The men push Mr. Bro Sir into their car.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete’s music video with the tite: “Trees” on the screen. Chris and Pete aren’t wearing shirts and their bouncing around while rapping. They are in a forest setting dancing around large Oak trees. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees. Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees.

Chris: Make that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree. Ay. Ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen. Breathe!

Pete: Y’all know me. Puffin’ that OG. Young VIPs. Can’t get a job, cause I smoke too much weed. But you’re full of THC okay.

[ Chris stops the video to interrupt Pete’s flow. They are standing in front of a large tree. ]

CHRIS REDD: Okay, hey, hey, yeah. Pete, you talking about the wrong trees, fam.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hm?

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, uh. We talking about, like, environmental trees. Like, the planet.

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh. Okay, cool.

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, focus on words towards that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Alright.

CHRIS REDD: You know what I’m saying. Yeah. So, whenever you want to do that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, give me a second.

CHRIS REDD: Alright.

PETE DAVIDSON: I worked really hard on the other verse.

CHRIS REDD: Create, my dude.

PETE DAVIDSON: I thought this was a weed song.

CHRIS REDD: Create.

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you so dressed up anyway? We’re playing ourselves.

CHRIS REDD: I like character work.

PETE DAVIDSON: Okay, how about something like, uh…I put my green thumb in a brown hole.

CHRIS REDD: Oh alright, I don’t know which hole, but I like..

PETE DAVIDSON: Something, something about clean coal.

[ The musics tarts again and they continue to rap. ]

Chris: Let’s go!

[ Cut to a poker game in a shed. Multiple photos of Al Gore are shown. ]

Pete: Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Almost President, Al Gore. Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Should’ve been President Al Gore. [ Cut to Pete and Chris standing in front of a tree with Al Gore’s face carved in it. ] Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gorrrrre. Now is not a word anymore.

Chris: Yeah, my ni-[ bleep]-ga Pete.

Pete: Oh yeah and I love the Trees.

[ Cut back to Chris and Pete dancing around trees. This time there is also a man in a tree costume dancing with them. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be lovin these trees. Lovin these trees. Trees. Bitch I was born in a tree, right under a tree.

Chris: Plant them in a hole. Water them. Wait for a minute. Wait a couple days and water them again. Go to sleep, wake up. Mmmm, nothing! God damn, trees take a long time. Water them, read a magazine, and I still got nothing. Do I got bad dirt? Huh? I don’t know! Somebody tell me.

[ Music stops. Cut to Chris and Pete dragging Mr. Bro Sir into a Dr.’s office. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey, yo, tree doctor! Tell this man, climate change is real.

[ Chris throws Mr. Bro Sir to the ground in front of an approaching doctor. Mr. Bro Sir makes a grunting noise. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

Doctor: Guys, again, I am a medical doctor.

CHRIS REDD: Good for you.

Doctor: You can’t keep kidnapping people and bringing them here while I’m trying to save lives.

[ Chris pulls out a stack of fliers and hands them to the doctor. ]

CHRIS REDD: Yo, what you need to be doing, is saving these trees, homie. Alright, you can take all of them.

PETE DAVIDSON: Spread that word, yo.

Doctor: So many fliers. Look fellas, I get it and I agree. But this is the trauma center.

PETE DAVIDSON: Word.

Doctor: So you’re saying all this in the wrong place.

PETE DAVIDSON: So, y’all don’t have any trees.

Doctor: Not to mention, that the changes that we need to make include a lot more than trees.

CHRIS REDD: Oh damn.

Doctor: It’s increasing electric car use.

PETE DAVIDSON: Be quiet.

CHRIS REDD: Shhh.

Doctor: Buying locally sourced foods.

PETE DAVIDSON: Postmates.

CHRIS REDD: Everyday.

Doctor: Taking planes less, and trains and cars, more.

PETE DAVIDSON: Like John Candy.

CHRIS REDD: Uncle Buck.

Doctor: And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

CHRIS REDD: Word, word, word, word, just the tip. Got it. Yeah, but you can agree that more trees isn’t a bad thing. Right?

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right?

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right tho?

Doctor: [ Sighs. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right?

Doctor: I mean, shore.

Chris & Pete: Dope!

[ Cut back to the music video, “Trees”. Chris and Pete are rapping in the hallway fo the doctor’s office and club lights turn on. The doctors are freak dancing on the other side of the hallway. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees! Yo, you know we be lovin’ our trees. Lovin’ our trees. Trees! Trees with the branches and leaves. Branches and leaves. [ Pete pops a champagne bottle and sprays the champagne in the hallway with Chris and the doctors dancing behind him. ] MAke that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete dancing with a large tree bending side to side between them. ]

Chris: Ay, ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen, breathe.

Pete: Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete holding their hands around a flower that is blooming. The sunflower blooms to reveal an image of Al Gore giving a thumbs up in the center of it. ]

Chris & Pete: You all need trees. Trees.

Kanye West Donald Trump Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Pres. Trump…..Alec Baldwin

Kanye West…..Chris Redd

Jim Brown…..Kenan Thompson

Press member…..Pete Davidson

[ Opens with the C-Span title image. ]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, it’s interns gone wild. But first full coverage of the Oval Office meeting between President Trump, rapper Kanye West, and football legend Jim Brown. Among the issues discussed were prison reform, education, alternate universes, Superman, and flying cars. We go now to President Trump in the Oval Office.

[ Cut to the Oval Office. Trump is sitting at his desk with Kanye West and Jim Brown. There is a group of photographers taking their photos and a member of the press asking questions. ]

Trump: Hello. Thank you all for joining us today for this important discussion. It is no way a publicity stunt. This is a serious private conversation between three friends plus 50 reporters with cameras. I’m proud to welcome Kanye West Yeezus Yandhi Yaddam Yussein. An amazing guy. Thank you for coming Kanye.

Kanye: Yeah, that’s right. I flew here using the power of this hat. [ He is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Trump: That’s terrific. We also got Hall of Fame running back and Civil Rights activist, Jim Brown. Not many people know he was a great lacrosse player. How are you feeling, Jim?

Jim: Already pretty nervous.

Trump: These two are great dear friends of mine. A couple of real Chicago types, if you know what I mean. And Kanye, I want to thank you for giving me, thank you for giving me a pair of your sneakers. [ He pulls out a pair of white sneakers. ] They’re perfect for me because they’re white, they’re wide, and they’re never going to be worth as much as you say they are. Now we got an amazing lunch to get to, but first I’m sure that Kanye wants to make one or two brief lucid remarks. Kanye.

Kanye: First, let me being with the idea that time is a myth of infinite amounts of universe. And I’m a prisoner in another dimension. Have I lost anyone so far? [ Everyone on stage raises their hand. ] Okay, so I’m gonna talk about trapped doors. Like the 13th amendment is a trap door. And if you’re installing a floor, aka the Constitution, why would you build a trap door? Why would you build a trap door when you can end up with the unabomber?

[ Trump pouts his lips and nods as his voiceover explains his thoughts. ]

Trump voiceover: Oh, this guy might be cuckoo. I’ve been in the room with Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, and they made a lot more sense than him.

Kanye: And then if you in Chicago, some people call it shy-raq. But the murder rate is going down, 20% every year. And pretty soon it’s going to be a negative murder rate. We’re gonna be digging bodies out of the ground.

Trump voiceover: That was freakin’ dumb. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t listen to anyone but himself. Who does he remind me of?

Kanye: And I don’t want to brag, bro. I don’t wanna brag. But I really have a high IQ; I’m a stable genius. I got a big brain, and I got the best words.

Trump voiceover: Oh my god, he’s black me! I feel like I’ve been visited by the Christmas black. Quick, look at Jim Brown instead. [ He looks at Jim Brown. Jim statres on quietly thinking. ]

Jim voiceover: Oh my lord, what have I gotten myself into? I played football with a leather helmet, and my brain’s still working better than his.

Kanye: And when I put this hat on, this hat is like Superman’s hat.

Jim voiceover: Superman didn’t have a hat, you idiot.

Kanye: See the 13th amendment. You gotta abolish it. It should jump from 12 to 14 like skyscraper elevators. Huh?

Jim voiceover: Can someone be tri-polar?

Kanye: And another thing to think about is that actually, Hillary Clinton is not a man.

Trump voiceover: Wow, that was a curveball. You know this could be good for me. This guy makes Brett Kavanaugh look calm and collected. Wait, no, it can’t be that good. Every reported from CNN is way too happy. [ Camera pans over to the press guy smiling really happily. ]

Kanye: Now, I wanna show y’all a picture of an airplane on my Iphone. [ He pulls out his Iphone. ] Let me put the passcode in, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, I’m a genius.

Trump voiceover: His password is six zeros? Well, at least now I feel a lot better about my password eight, zero, zero, eight, five, aka boobs. [ He mouths the word boobs along with his voiceover. ]

Kanye: Okay, okay. Here’s a picture of a new plane. [ He leans towards Trump showing him an image of Wonder Woman on his phone. ] I want this to be your new Air Force One.

Trump: Wow, very cool. Very cool, indeed. Where’s the plane.

Kanye: It’s invisible.

Trump: Oh that’s fantastic, okay. And, who is that?

Kanye: That’s Wonder Woman.

Trump: Okay, maybe we should order your lunch from a pharmacy. Oh, let’s remember the big lesson today, that black people love me. They love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin.

Jim voiceover: Is God testing me? Or is this like that show, ‘What Would You Do?’ I might have to tackle both of these fools.

Kanye: So in conclusion, 13th amendment, shy-raq, trap doors lead to the unabomber, male energy, Trump is my dad, Hillary is a woman, and the media needs to start making this President look good.

Trump voiceover: Poopity-scoop. Scoop-de-loop. Boop-de-scoop-de-poop. Poopity-scoop.

Kanye: Hey Jim, do you want to add anything?

Jim: Add? I got a couple of subtractions I’d like to suggest. The only thing I definitely want to point out is that mental health in the black community is an even bigger issue than I apparently thought. I mean I’ve been on coalitions with Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson, and this is the first time I’m having regrets.

Kanye: And now it’s time for me to hug my new dad. [ Kanye gets up and walks over to Trump and gives him a big hug. ] Come on in here, Dad. Bring it in.

Trump: Get in here blood.

[ Trump and Kanye continue to hug. ]

Trump voiceover: Don’t check to see if you’re wallet’s still there. Don’t check. [ Trump’s hand hesitates to leave Kanye’s back, but then he gives in and checks his pocket for his wallet. ]

Kanye: I want everyone to know, I love this man!

Trump: I love you, Kanye. We got a lot more in common than people know. We’re both geniuses, we’re both married to beautiful women, and we both definitely have been recorded saying the n-word.

Kanye & Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!!!

A Frightening Tale: Season 44 Episode 3

Eric: …..Beck Bennett

Man…..Alex Moffat

Brandon…..Seth Meyers

Woman 1…..Heidi Gardner

Woman 2…..Melissa Villaseñor

Connor…..Kyle Mooney

[ There is a campfire with marshmallows roasting on a stick. The screen reads, ‘A Frightening Tale’ in bloody red letters as a deep creepy voice says, “A frightening tale”. ]

[ Five people sit in the dark around a campfire in the woods. A couple of them are roasting marshmallows.]

Eric: It’s the man with the claw!!!

Woman 1: Ahhhhhhh!

Eric: Ha ha ha.

Woman 2: Man, I can’t believe scary stories still work on me.

Woman 1: What about you Brandon? Do you got any good ones?

Brandon: Maybe we should just, turn in.

Man: Oh come on, man.

Woman 1: It’d be very nice to hear a story if you got one, Brandon.

Brandon: Fine. You want to be scared? I got a story. Only thing is it’s not a story. It’s real. And it happened to me. About two years ago, when I was still at the ad agency. I got a call from my dad.

Eric: What’d he say say?

Brandon: He asked me if I could get a coffee, with his friend’s son.

Man: Well, that’s no big deal. Right?

Brandon: A 22-year old, recent college grad, and aspiring filmmaker.

[ Everyone around the campfire listening to Brandon screams. ]

Woman 1: So did you do it?

Brandon: Yep. His name was Connor. And he had a lot to say.

[ Cut to the coffee shop where Brandon is sitting with Connor. ]

Connor: What’s with movies these days? Everything is just a reboot, franchise, or sequel? Hollywood has no original ideas. It’s always guy meets girl. Girl dumps guy. Guy gets back with girl. That’s why when I make my movies, things are actually going to be different. Trust me.

Brandon: Right.

[ Cut back to the campfire circle. ]

Eric: So his take was that basic?

Brandon: Exactly. But like he was the first person who ever said it.

Woman 2: How long were you there?

Brandon: Two and a half hours. He really wanted to break down the state of the industry.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: CGI. Since when is every movie based on a video game? Or a frickin’ roller coaster. It’s like ‘Hello Hollywood, can you actually make something about real people?’ That’s why for my movies they should have a warning that plays before it that says ‘This movie might actually make you think’. I really like talking to you.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman 2 is crying with her face in her hands. ]

Eric: Hold on, this is crazy! He had a backup plan, right?

Brandon: No, just film.

Woman 2: Did he have any ideas? Like did he tell what his movies were going to be about?

Brandon: Oh yeah. He had an idea.

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Dude, this should be a movie. Just like you and me talking about movies. That’s what real life is.

[ Cut back to the campfire. Eric screams. ]

Woman 1: Then you left, right?

Brandon: I tried. But that’s when he said, man….

[ Cut back to the coffee shop with Connor. ]

Connor: Hey, cool if I get your number?

[ Cut back to the campfire. Woman is flailing her arms. ]

Woman 1: STOP!

Woman 2: Did he ever call you?

Brandon: No. No, no, no. He texted. [ He pulls out his cell phone to reveal a full page of texts from Connor. ]

Voiceover of Connor: 3D, dude, hurts my eyes. [ The people around the campfire start screaming. The man vomits. ] Dammit, popcorn’s so expensive. Kinda feels like TV is the new movies. [ Brandon starts scrolling through the texts with his finger. ] Happy Thanksgiving brother.

Woman 1: There are so many!

Eric: But he has to leave you alone eventually, right? He can’t just keep texting you and trying to pick your brain forever?

Brandon: No, he stays with me. Unless I can introduce him to someone else he can talk to. That’s how the curse works.

Eric: You’re not gonna do that, right?

Brandon: I’m so sorry.

Eric: No! [ A hand reaches down onto Eric’s shoulder. ]

[ Connor is now standing behind Eric at the campfire. ]

Connor: Hey, man, Eric. Right? You remember my podcast? We talked about classic Hollywood film.

Eric: Noooooooo!

Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ]

[ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ]

[ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ]

[ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]

Weekend Update: Really!?! with Seth Meyers, Colin Jost, and Michael Che: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

…..Seth Meyers

[ Colin Jost is sitting at the news desk. An image of Trump and Kanye West shaking hands is over Colin’s right shoulder. ]

Colin Jost: Well. President Donald Trump met with Kanye West in the Oval Office this week, which brings us to a segment we call: [ Cut to Title Image read by Colin. ] ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael sitting at the news desk. Seth slides in on his chair and sits between them. ]

Seth Meyers: Woohoo!

Colin: Yeah!

[ Seth pats Colin and Michael on the back and then kisses the news desk. ]

Seth: Let’s do this!

Colin: Woo!

Seth: So! Trump met Kanye in the Oval Office? Really!?! Don’t you have better things to do? And by the way when I say that, I’m not really sure which of you I’m talking to. The only place those two should meet is in group. It should be in a basement of a church and dude with an earring and a leather bracelet should be saying, “I’m so glad you both decided to come back”. I mean really!

Colin: And really, you could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards. While Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables.

[ Cut to image of Trump at his desk in the Oval Office, sitting across from Kanye West, surrounded the press. The desk is completely clear of any items aside from two telephones. ]

[ Cut back to the SNL news desk. ]

Michael Che: You know, I negotiated four ‘n’ words this entire season in my new contract. That’s true. So I just wanna know, how much money does this Nigga owe in taxes?

[ A bell dings and 4 ‘N’s appear as an image below the news desk, one red X over the first ‘N’. ]

Seth: I was here for 12 years and Lorne never even gave me one ‘n’ word.

Michael: Really?

Seth: Really! Probably for the best. And really, you know how crazy Thursday at the White House was? Kid Rock was also there, and no one cared. It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. You know how hard it is to make someone like Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is Kid.

Colin: And really Kanye, now do you really think Donald Trump is your friend? After the meeting, he called you, a very different kind of guy. That is not a compliment, man. That’s what you call someone when you want to call them a word you can’t say any more. Like, hey, that Forrest Gump sure is a different kind of guy.

Seth: Really! And then Kanye ran behind the desk and hugged Trump and said, “I love this guy right here.” Really, look at this photo. [ Cut to image of Kanye hugging Trump, both smiling. Kanye is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ] Man, it is so rare that you can see black people and white supremacists betrayed in the exact same moment. [ Cut back to the news desk. ] Really.

Michael: You know, I actually get a lot of what Kanye was trying to say. It sounds like somebody told him something really smart and he just retold it really really wrong. Like when I was a kid and the landlord showed up, and my mother would say, “Tell him I’m not here.” And then I’d say, “My momma said she’s not here.” That’s Kanye.

Seth: Really. Yeah, you know for an egomaniac, Kanye talks a lot about Trump. The fact that he wore a Trump hat to meet Trump is so thirsty. I mean I didn’t wear Yeezys when I met Kanye because I didn’t want to look desperate. And no one would sell me Yeezys.

Colin: And really look it’s really pretty simple. Kanye wants to be Trump’s famous friend because Obama called Kanye a jackass. And if the President of the United States called you a jackass, you’d go ‘You know who I like, the next President’. So in a way Obama is to blame for all of this, the same way Seth is to blame for making fun of Trump so much that he decided to become President.

Seth: Wait, really?

Colin: Yeah, we think that.

Seth: Really, people really think that?

[ Michael and Colin both nod their heads. ]

Michael: Oh yeah.

[ Cut back to the title image. ]

Announcer: This has been ‘Really!?! With Seth, Colin, and Michael’.

Seth Meyers Monologue: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Seth Meyers

[ Camera pans to the SNL stage where the house band is playing the theme music. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Seth Meyers.

[ Seth walks onto the stage smiling and claps along with the audience. ]

Seth Meyers: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. It is so exciting to be back at SNL. I worked at this show for over 12 years. I loved it. I love being here. Leaving it was incredibly hard. I cried on my last show and then for real took a job down the hall. The Late Night studio is 100 yards that way. I had an emotional breakdown and then basically moved from Rachel and Monica’s apartment to Joey and Chandler’s apartment, which was very emotional or Rachel. So there is precedent. But this place still means so much to me because so many people who worked here are my dear friends.

There were over 100 people at my wedding from this show. I love them all so much. I love Andy Samberg so much, I named my two boys, Dick and Box. And surprisingly, Box is the troublemaker. Dick is a little gentleman. This place makes memories flood back, For example, the cold open was about Donald Trump and Kanye West. I was here when DOnald Trump hosted in 2004. He played my father in a sketch. Let’s take a look.

[ Cut to an image of Seth Meyers sitting on a couch with Donald Trump during a sketch from 2004. ]

Seth Meyers: There you go. Most people who have pictures of themselves with Presidents, get them framed. I did not. And then Kanye. So, a lot of people are surprised that Kanye supports Donald Trump. But I am not, because I have met Kanye. And I am incapable of being surprised by him.

Here is a true story about Kanye West. And let me preface it by saying that I am a huge Kanye West fan. When I was here, no one did more memorable performances than Kanye West. One time, he was the musical guest but we heard that he wanted to do a sketch. So we pitched him a sketch where he would interrupt different award show speeches saying that he made a mistake and he should have won. And Kanye said that’s hilarious because I do that. Which is good self awareness. And so we did the sketch. We had Kanye interrupt the Kids Choice Awards, the Nobel Prize. He interrupted a State Fair because he was upset his pumpkin didn’t win. Fantastic, a great experience.

But here’s the thing. Here’s the reason I will never be surprised by Kanye West. That sketch was in 2007 and he interrupted Taylor Swift in 2009. That whole time I was telling you that story, you thought it was based on him interrupting Taylor Swift. That hadn’t happened yet. Kanye did a sketch about how crazy it was he interrupted speeches, and then two years later he was at an award show and thought, ‘I should do it again’. So when people say are your surprised that Kanye supports Trump, I say ‘No.’ And, look, I don’t usually get to say this, but my first five years were so hard. I was trying to fit it and I was always worried I wouldn’t make it. Five years of constant terror. And that is the truth.

And after that, I got Weekend Update with Amy Poehler. And I sat at a desk that was placed right here on this stage. And I was lucky enough to be head writer. And after that, I was happy every single second that I spent here. And now that I am back, so is the terror. But also the joy. So thank you so much for letting me do this. It’s an honor. We got a great show. Paul Simon is here tonight, everybody! So stick around, and w’ll be right back!