Category: 2018

Pumpkin Patch: Season 44 Episode 2

The boss…..Mikey Day

Todd…..Beck Bennett

Nathan…..Kyle Mooney

…..Awkwafina

[A woman is buying pumpkin for Halloween in the pumpkin shop.]

The boss: Super easy to carve. They should have a blast. All right, bye Sarah. Say hi to Josh. [Todd, Nathan, and Awkwafina are fooling around and having fun talking about something they like. The boss finds it hard to confront to them, but he decides that he should.]

The boss: Hey, team? [Cut to three staffs at the left and the boss at the right talking to them] Can I talk to you for a sec?

Todd: Yes sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] This morning, I found some of our jumbo pumpkins in the dumpster. [Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] Some of the pumpkins [Cut to the boss speaking] had holes cut in them [Cut to Nathan listening to the boss][Cut to Todd listening to the boss] and others were completely destroyed. [Cut to the boss speaking][Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] So I cannot believe I have to ask you this, [Cut to the boss] but did you perform a lewd act with some of our pumpkins last night?

All three staffs: [Cut to three staffs acting like they don’t know what the boss is talking about] No sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] All right, well Louis, the grounds keeper saw you, and he told me what you did.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] Right, yes. And that’s because we did do what you said, sir.

Todd: [Cut to Todd] Enough lies, we did do that sir.

The boss: [Cut to the boss disappointed] Do you guys see how this would be a problem? [Cut to Todd listening to the boss] [Cut to Nathan listening to the boss] That employees of my pumpkin patch [Cut to Awkwafina listening to the boss] are having sex with the pumpkins?

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan speaking] I mean it’s not ideal sir. [Cut to the boss shocked]

Awkwafina: [Cut to all three staffs] I think there’s been a misunderstanding. They only did it because it felt good.

Todd and Nathan: Exactly.

The boss: [Cut to the boss speaking] That doesn’t change my opinion.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan speaking] Does it change your opinion on us as people sir?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Yes.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan acting confused] For worse?

The boss: [Cut to the boss annoyed] Yeah. Oh, poor Louis. He saw the entire thing.

[Cut to Louis with his garden tool in his hands shaking his head with disgust looking at the three staffs]

Todd: [Cut to Todd] So let me tell you our side of the story as to clear the air here?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Sure Todd.

Nathan: [Cut to all three staffs] Let’s just paint a picture for you, sir. [Cut to Nathan] Kind of a horny night in general.

Awkwafina: [Cut to the scene portraying their past story. All three staffs enjoying inside the pumpkin store] We were talking about that film, “American Pie.” There’s a part where Jason Briggs does some dirty deeds with an American pie.

Todd: This one time at band camp.

Awkwafina: And sir this is where I’ll take some responsibility because I had dared Nathan to pump the pump.

Nathan: [Cut to three staffs] And so I did. And to my surprise sir, it felt very, [Cut to Nathan] very good. [Cut to the boss looking at Nathan shocked]

Todd: Upon hearing my [Cut to Todd] friend’s happy, happy noises, [Cut to Nathan] [Cut to Awkwafina nodding and agreeing] I decided to grab a couple of pumpkins and do the same myself. [Cut to Todd]

The boss: You guys, [Cut to the boss] this is a family business. [Cut to Todd] Kids come here with their parents. [Cut to the pumpkin with three holes on it that Todd is staring at at this moment] There’s a slide. [Cut to Todd losing what the boss is saying because his attention is at the pumpkin with the holes] I can’t have my employees pumping the pumpkins [Cut to pumpkin with three holes with dreamy effect] at night. And Nathan, I’d expect this from Todd, [Cut to Nathan staring at the boss but not paying attention to what he’s saying] but I’m pretty disappointed in you Nathan. [Cut to the boss as a pumpkin with holes speaking to him. Nathan sees a pumpkin speaking to him] Because I actually think that you’re pretty smart. [Cut to Nathan lost in his thoughts] So if you did do this to a pumpkin it– Nathan! [Cut to the boss pissed off] [Cut to Nathan embarrassed]

Nathan: Oh my god.

The boss: [Cut to all three staffs] You got anything to say for yourself man? [Cut to the boss]

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] I’m embarrassed. This is not our finest hour. [Cut to the boss agreeing] To be caught doing that with a pumpkin? [Cut to Nathan]

The boss: [Cut to the boss] You had sex with it.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] By someone I admire and respect, my boss, who’s also the father of my wife?

The boss: [Cut to the boss disappointed] I’m your father-in-law.

Nathan: But I promise sir, [Cut to Nathan] I will never do this again.

Todd: [Cut to Todd] I can’t promise that sir, but I’ll try my hardest not to. I might do it.

Nathan: [Cut to the boss disappointed] Sir, in our defense, [Cut to Nathan] have you ever actually done that with a pumpkin?

The boss: [Cut to the boss] NO.

Nathan: [Cut to Nathan] It feels pretty legit. [Cut to Todd nodding his head and agreeing]

Awkwafina: Sir, if it helps in any way, [Cut to all three staffs] Todd used a condom.

The boss: [Cut to the boss] It does not. It makes it even weirder.

Awkwafina: Oh.

The boss: So now, surprise guys, I have to let you all go.

Three staffs: [Cut to them regretting] Oh, come on. [Cut to the tree staffs walking away with background musing saying “Let me go, I don’t want to be your hero.”]

[Cut to three staffs reaching the car]

The boss: Wait, [the three staffs turn around] [Cut to the boss] open the trunk. [Cut to the three staffs opening the trunk of the car finding it to be full of pumpkins] [Cut to the boss] Here’s a tip, the more orange the skin, the softer it is inside. [Cut to the three staffs. Awkwafina nodding her head and agreeing]

Awkwafina: Good to know.

Todd: Thank you, sir.

Nathan: Happy Halloween.

The boss: [Cut to the boss] Happy Halloween.

[Cut to three staffs driving away in a car with a trunk full of pumpkins]

Ted Cruz Rally: Season 44 Episode 2

Hype Woman…..Awkwafina

Hype Man…..Kenan Thompson

Ted Cruz…..Beck Bennett

[People cheering. Cut to people standing in a line and cheering.]

Voiceover: There’s something happening in Texas. [Cut to an article that says “Beto O’Rourke Rally Draws Record Numbers in Texas.]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] How ya’ll feeling today?

Kenan Thompson: How ya’ll feeling?

Voiceover: [Cut to internet article and crowd] The most closely watched race in America.

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] I said how ya’ll feeling today?

Kenan Thompson: Dallas!

Voiceover: [Cut to internet article] It is electric.

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina on a stage] Ya’ll like [inaudible 00:00:17] ? [Cut to crowd excited] Ya’ll like [Cut to Awkwafina on a stage. Cut to Kenan Thompson on a stage] [inaudible 00:00:20] ? [Cut to crowd excited. Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on a stage] Ya’ll like Ted Cruz?

Kenan Thompson: We are about to find out.

Sound Effect: TED CRUZ!

[Cut to Ted Cruz coming to the stage waving to the audience. Ted Cruz stands close to mic. Cut to Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson standing behind Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Hi, I’m Ted Cruz. [Cut to audience covering their ears as they hear sound distortion. Cut to Ted Cruz speaking and Awkwafinad and Kenan Thompson standing behind him] Look when God whispered to me that I should run for Senate, he didn’t tell me it was going to be a popularity contest. [Cut to Ted Cruz speaking] But we are going to throw the coolest rally in town. [Cut to crowd clapping] Stop. Humor time. What do you call a Democrat in Texas? [Ted Cruz drops the mic, and he talks in the damaged mic] We call the Democrats in Texas…. [Cut to crowd watch at shock as the speaker explodes]

Awkwafina: You know, maybe Ted Cruz can’t sound cool [Cut to Awkwafina, Ted Cruz and Kenan Thompson on the stage] but I bet we can make him look cool.

Kenan Thompson: Who want to see Ted Cruz dunk a basketball? [Cut to Ted Cruz, Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson passing basketball. Ted Cruz tried to dribble the ball on the stage, but it doesn’t bounce. Cut to the bored crowd.]

Awkwafina: [Cut to Awkwafina speaking with Ted Cruz and Kenan Thompson on the stage] We need to hit the emergency party button.

Kenan Thompson: Oh! [Cut to Ted Cruz going and pressing the party button. Cut to embarrassing wet confetti stuck together falls on the ground. Cut to Kenan Thompson moves towards the party button and presses it. The button then works. Ted Cruz is disappointed.]

Ted Cruz: Okay. [Ted Cruz jumps and tried to dab hard, but he hits his own nose.] Ouch. [Cut to Ted Cruz holding his nose]

Kenan Thompson: Ted’s nose is bleeding up here so [Cut to Ted Cruz, Awkwafina and Kenan Thompson on the stage] why don’t we just wrap this up?

Awkwafina: Give it up one more time [Cut to Ted Cruz holding his nose and waving his hand] for Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: [The Ted Cruz backdrop falls]Your future senator.

Sound effect: Ted Cruz!

Film Panel: Season 44 Episode 2

Karen Domineau…..Aidy Bryant

Marion Cotillard…..Cecily Strong

Allison Janney…..Heidi Gardner

Sandra Oh…..Awkwafina

Debette Goldry…..Kate Mckinnon

[56th New York Film Festival’s intro plays. Cut to the show where the host and four actresses are sitting]

Karen Domineau: Welcome to the 2018 New York Film Festival Actress round table. [Cut to Karen Domineau] Tonight’s topic “Me too, year two, how we doing Hollywood?” Joining me are some of today’s brightest stars. First, Marion Cotillard.

Marion Cotillard: [Cut to Marion Cotillard] Yes, je m’appelle, hello.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] She’s an Oscar winner. And also I guess on the show ‘Mom,’ Miss Allison Janny.

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Yeah, well that’s me pumpkin.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] Next, the start of Grey’s Anatomy and Killing Eve, Sandra Oh.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] Hello, it’s an honor to play woman who give long speeches immediately after a shower.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] And finally a legend of such classis Hollywood films as Shimmy on the Train Tracks and The Jiggle Sisters, The incomparable Debette Goldry.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry ] Thank you. I’m- I’m so happy to be here is what I wanted to say on my tombstone. Would someone write that down?

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] Miss Goldry, I have to say I’m such a fan. I have all your movies.

Debette Goldry: Oh, and I have no idea who either of us is.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to host and the actresses] All right. Well, this week marks the one year anniversary of [Cut to Karen Domineau] the Harvey Weinstein story. Despite the strides, Hollywood has made, what still needs to change?

Marion Cotillard: [Cut to Marion Cotillard] You know, some of these men producers are terrified to meet alone with a woman. They need to stop shouting us out.

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] They need to give bad men second chances.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] They need to stop using our fingerprints when they commit party murders.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] I’m sorry, what?

Debette Goldry: It’s a huge problem in Hollywood that, you know. [Cut to Debette Goldry] These men, they’ll have a party at a house in Palm Springs. Some girl takes a nap in the pool. And they’re all, “Please baby, just touch the knife. I’ll buy you a sweater. Be a pal.” You girls know what I’m talking about.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] No, I’ve never experienced anything like that.

Debette Goldry: Okay, see? Progress.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] So, how do you all think that the movement has spread to the culture at large?

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] You see it with politics now. More women are coming forward.

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Let me tell you, these politicians can defend their supreme court justice all they want, but usually when they’re smoke there’s fire.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] And when there’s fire, there’s Rita Hayworth taking a cigarette nap. That sleepy bitch.

Marion Cotillard: [Cut to Marion Cotillard] You- you can see it in those hearings. You know, there’s a double standard. If a woman acted the way he did, she’d be labeled hysterical.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Now, I was labeled hysterical once. I asked them to clean [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] my costume in between shoot days. And they sent me to a spa to relax and get a lobotomy. And now I cannot think or smell.

Sandra Oh: Oh my god, are you okay?

Debette Goldry: I think so.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] How has the movement affected the types of roles you’re being offered?

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] It’s exciting that this has sort of compounded the existing conversation of representation. There’s so many roles for Asian women today where before there were almost none.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Now What? That’s not true. There were plenty of fabulous parts for Asian gals in the 1940, and I played all of them.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry] And that’s offensive.

Debette Goldry: No it’s not Sinder Hoe, I was a brunette. What’s the damn problem?

Sandra Oh: I’m going to ignore all of that because I really like her. I think this moment is an opportunity women are coming forward with stories from a long time ago, and they need to be heard.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Yeah. I actually would like to come forward about something that happened to me a long time ago. I was babysitting for a very powerful family. Have you heard of the Lindberghs?

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Yeah. Wait, did you lost the Lindbergh baby?

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Well, Ish! I left him on a porch with a sign that said: “Famous baby, please don’t steal.” What could I do? I had an audition. Silver lining, I booked it. I was the queen of Siel.

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] How Okay. I’m just going to reset because my boss is here. Do you think there’s a place for men in this movement?

Allison Janny: [Cut to Allison Janny] Absolutely, we need male allies.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Right. Male allies. That means gay husband, right? I had a lot of male allies.

Sandra Oh: [Cut to Sandra Oh] I just want to say that there are plenty of good men who collaborate with women and respect their ideas.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Yes, that’s right. I had that kind of relationship with Orson Wells when he made CDs and came. I was the one that gave him the idea for a rosebud. But I wasn’t talking about a darn sled. I was talking about my wet hole. [Cut to Sandra Oh and Debette Goldry]

Karen Domineau: [Cut to Karen Domineau] Okay. I’m afraid that we’re out of time.

Debette Goldry: [Cut to Debette Goldry] Oh good. Just in time for my cigarette nap. Can we dim the lights, please?

[Closing screen to 56th New York Film Festival playing]

Brett Kavanaugh Post-Game Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 2

Don Lemon…..Kenan Thompson

Dana Bash….. Heidi Gardner

Senator Mitch McConnell…..Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham…..Kate McKinnon

Susan Collins…..Cecily Strong

Jeff Flake…..Pete Davidson

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Senator Chuck Schumer…..Alex Moffatt

[News starting. Cut to Don Lemon as a news reporter.]

Don Lemon: Good evening. I am Don Lemon. We’ve all just witnessed history as Judge Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed by the Senate to become a justice of the Supreme Court. There have been protests in Washington and several cry breaks here at CNN. It’s a somber day for many Americans. We now go live to Dana Bash who is with Senate Republicans.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash as a news reporter with Senate Republicans.] Don, I’m here in the GOP locker room where the mood is nothing short of euphoric.

John Kennedy: Whoo! We’re going to Kavanaugh this tonight. Let’s Ralph till we Moo!

Dana Bash: Thank you, Senator Kennedy.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Quite the display Dana.

Dana Bash: That’s right Don. There are a lot of pacemakers being put to the test tonight. [Cut to Dana] And I see Mitch McConnell here. Mitch, how are you feeling?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, oh, that was awesome! Whoo!

Dana Bash: Do you feel like this is a win you can be proud of?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, hell yeah Dana! Republicans read the mood of the country, and we could tell the people really wanted Kavanaugh. Everyone’s pumped from white men over 60 to white men over 70. We did it. We got the PJ and Squee.

Dana Bash: Put this victory in context.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it’s up there with Vietnam for sure. I mean this is historic.

John Kennedy: Uh, winning!

Dana Bash: And um, Lindsey- Lindsey Graham. Do you have a moment?

Lindsey Graham: All righ- Woo! How amazing is this, huh? We- we made a lot of women real worried today but I’m not getting pregnant, so I don’t care. Um, here. Take a- take a Kavanaugh world champion hat.

Dana Bash: Um, yeah, no! I’m not wearing that. Um, oh Lindsey, walk us through the final confirmation.

Lindsey Graham: Well, oh man! Well for a while we thought it was going to be tied and we were going to have to go with our closer mock pants. He was going to jog in to Metallica’s Enter the Sadman and start throwing votes at 100mph. But thank the male lord that was not necessary. Helped a lot. The democrat Joe Manchin scored in his own goal. That was dope. And well, we couldn’t have done it without Susan Collins. Susan, get over here.

Susan Collins: Do I attack again?

Lindsey Graham: No girl, no! No! But seriously, this was all Susan.

Susan Collins: Oh, please. The last thing I wanted was to make this about me. That’s why I told everyone to tune in at 3 PM so I could tell all my female supporters, “Psyche!”

Dana Bash: And you don’t think that Brett Kavanaugh did anything wrong?

Susan Collins: Listen, I think it’s important to believe women until it’s time to stop. But I also believe that you know, I’m a guy’s gal, okay? I can party with the big dogs and “Whoo!” You know? We’re going to have fun tonight.

John Kennedy: Whoo! That’s our girl. Our one girl.

Susan Collins: Yeah. Also now we’re going to party like it’s 2021, Susan Rice takes my seat.

Dana Bash: And Senator Jeff Flake was also reportedly on the fence until yesterday. Senator Flake?

Jeff Flake: Oh hey, yeah! Obviously, I was really sad about the whole process as you could tell from my resting bitch face. And I really considered all the testimony because this was such a–

Lindsey Graham: Got you! Oops!

Jeff Flake: You stinker!

Mitch McConnell: We all know who .you are. Flake the snake! You were never voting, no.

Jeff Flake: Okay. You got me. I stink.

Lindsey Graham: Seriously, this one is about the fans. They’ve been there for us all week cheering and screaming outside of our offices.

Dana Bash: I’m sorry. You think those were fans?

Lindsey Graham: Oh yeah, for sure. And I know that they agree with us because they’re shouting out me too.

Dana Bash: Okay. And I see that the Arizona prosecutor they hired is here as well.

Rachel Mitchell: Yeah. I sure am. I sure am. What’s up women? I hope I did you proud. I think I helped.

Dana Bash: And what’s next for you Rachel?

Rachel Mitchell: Oh well, I’m flying South West Airlines back to Arizona like a freaking champ.

Don Lemon: [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Dana Bash at right.] Dana, I hate to interrupt you.

Dana Bash: No, please do. I need a break from this.

Don Lemon: Okay, well then let’s throw it over to Kate Bennett [Cut to split screen display with Don Lemon at left and Kate Bennett at right.] who’s with the losing team Chuck Schumer.

Kate Bennett: Senator Schumer, [Cut to Kate Bennett interviewing Chuck Schumer.] what went wrong?

Chuck Schumer: Well, my doctor thinks it might be Sciatica.

Kate Bennett: No, I mean with the Kavanaugh vote?

Chuck Schumer: Oh, right. Yes, well the Dems lost in other one. Yes. This is what we do now. Um, look, we thought this time would be better than Anita hill hearing because Dr. Ford was white.  Um, but then it turned out Brett Kavanaugh was white too and you know, we were completely blind-sighted by that.

Kate Bennett: Understood. And I see Senator Joe Manson, the one Democrat yes vote is heading this way right now.

Chuck Schumer: Hey Joe, listen, no hard feelings.

Joe Manson: Nut job. Oh!

Kate Bennett: Dana, back to you.

Dana Bash: [Cut to Dana Bash and Senate Republicans celebrating behind her.] Okay. Very cool chill energy here. Several of the senators also appear to be wearing goggles.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. These are for the Miller High Life, the champagne of beers.

Lindsey Graham: To celebrate Brett Kavanaugh, the naughty life of judges. All right, now listen everyone, let’s keep this corny male energy going to the mid-term.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Emergency Alert: Season 44 Episode 2

…..Leslie Jones

…..Kate McKinnon

…..Aidy Bryant

…..Seth Meyers

…..Heidi Gardner

[Leslie Jones is walking]

Voiceover: On Wednesday you received the first ever presidential alert.

Leslie Jones: Presidential alert?

Voiceover: [Cut to phone screen of Leslie Jones] This system was the result of years of careful planning for use only in cases of national emergency.

Kate McKinnon: “Failing New York Times says I cheated on Taxes. Duh! It’s called being smart.” What is this?

Voiceover: [Cut to Aidy Bryant sitting on her sofa with her kid] Finally a system for reaching all Americans when it counts most.

Aidy Bryant: “Alert, Puerto Rico is fine now! I guess the paper towels work!”

Voiceover: [Cuts to different Presidents giving speech] Every president since FDR has communicated directly with the American people. He had fire sight chats. And now President Trump has emergency alerts.

Kate McKinnon: “Hurricane Florence got the Carolinas so wet I thought it was the premiere of ‘Magic Mike’.”

Voiceover: With presidential alerts, you’ll hear about every emergency. [Cut to Leslie Jones inside meeting hall with her colleagues.]

Leslie Jones: “September 11th was almost a month ago.” Is that even information?

Seth Meyers: [Cut to Seth Meyers on his bed playing video game with head phones on.] “Warning: white men are under attack.” Oh, no.

Aidy Bryant: [Cut to Aidy Bryant] “Kid rock sounds better than ever?”

Kate McKinnon: [Cut to Kate McKinnon’s phone’s screen.] “Congrats to good guy Brett Kavanaugh, #BelieveMen”

Hi. [Cut to Kate McKinnon throwing her phone into hotdog shop’s water container.]

Leslie Jones: [Cut to Leslie Jones walking inside her office.] “Amber alert: Remember Tiffany Amber-Thiessen? That’s when women were slam dunks.”

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi Gardner sitting in her office talking to Leslie Jones.] Wait a second. I’m not getting any of these alerts on my phone.

Leslie Jones: You’re not?

Heidi Gardner: No. Thanks, Cricket Wireless.

Voiceover: Cricket Wireless. Now, aren’t you happy we have awful service? Join now for only $2.99 per decade. Our phones have candy inside.

Beta Force: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Man in the commercial…..Seth Meyers

Woman in the commercial…..Aidy Bryant

Announcer: [ Man is jogging down the street. ] When you get older, your body produces a lot less testosterone. [ Cut to a gauge depleting from 100% to 0% with a title that says, ‘Testosterone Levels.’ ] [ Cut to the man and woman tucking themselves into bed. ] And that affects everything that makes you [ Cut to the man looking under the covers at his pelvic region. ] feel like a man. [ The woman sits up and looks at the man with a sigh. ] And you know she can tell. But before you face a full-on vitality crisis, [ Cut to the man using a remote control on the couch. ] you find a testosterone boosting [ Cut to the TV. A giant container of MAXXX Sport drops on the screen. ] supplement on TV. And you know it’s effective [ The man sits up and looks closer at the TV. ] because it’s in a giant black canister. [ The TV shows three more containers of MAXXX. ] And endorsed by the strongest retired athlete money can buy. [ A bald beefy man appears on the screen holding a canister of MAXXX. He says, ‘Get your balls back!’ ] Your soul. [ Cut to the man stirring a glass with a pink liquid in it. ] And before you know it. [ The man drinks from the glass. ] You’re a brand new man. [ Cut to the man who is now bald, smiling, and wearing dark sunglasses and a tight shirt. ] You’re running faster. [ The man is sprinting on a treadmill. ] Training harder. [ The man is doing push-ups then cut to the man kicking a dummy and screaming with rage. ] And lasting longer. [ Cut to the man and woman in bed. The woman is smiling. He does a belly flop onto the bed. ] You did it hos! [ The man is smacking his biceps in the gym. ] You’re a man again. Only one problem. You’ve turned into a full psycho. Look at yourself man. [ He walks into his office at work. ] You’re wearing skin-tight muscle shirts to work, now? You’re in your mid-50’s with a jet black goatee. [ His coworkers are giving him disgusted faces. ] That ain’t normal, man. [ Cut to the man having rough sex with his wife. He is sweating and making an awkward orgasm face. ] You think it’s cool porno railing your wife? She has osteoporosis. [ Cut to the woman looking worn out and massaging her own hand. ] You monster! You know what that must feel like for her? [ The woman is holding her hip in pain. ] You’re cracking eggs with a sledgehammer, bro. [ Cut to the man flirting with an intern at work. ] And let’s not even get into that intern you’ve been creeping on. You’re freaking her out. [ The intern looks uncomfortable. ] You do remember your wife, right? The one on the couch [ The woman is sitting on the couch with an old fashioned ice pack on her crotch area. ] icing down her shattered pelvis. She needs a break, chief. All that extra testosterone [ The man is seen punching the dummy, then sprinting on the treadmill. ] has made you an aggressive alpha nightmare. [ He is smiling with aggression. ] That’s why you need [ The announcer’s voice becomes soft and friendly and a canister of Beta Force is shown on the screen. ] Beta Force. The only supplement that can counteract and undo all that other junk you’ve been taking. [ A computer graphic shows a muscular man soften up and become chubby again. ] So you can be a regular middle-aged man again. [ The man is back to his normal self smiling at his kitchen table. ] [ Cut to the canister of Beta Force. ] With odorless, tasteless, completely undetectable, Beta Force. [ Cut to the woman sneaking the Beta Force powder into the man’s drink. ] Before you know it, you’ll be back to your old self again. [ The man walks over to the woman sitting on the couch. He has a pooched belly and they are both smiling. He sits down next to her and she hands him the drink she had just mixed. ]

Man: I love you, honey.

Woman: Oh, I love you, too. [ The man drinks from the glass. She looks at the camera. ] Thanks, Beta Force.

Man: What’s Beta Force?

Woman: Huh? [ She winks at the camera. ]

Movie Talkback: Season 44 Episode 3

Andrew Phillips…..Seth Meyers

Malcolm Seats…..Kenan Thompson

Audience 1…..Aidy Bryant

Audience 2…..Kate McKinnon

Audience 3…..Beck Bennett

Audience 4…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 5…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 6…..Leslie Jones

Audience 7…..Cecily Strong

[ Image of an IFC movie theatre with the title: ‘Special Screening: South of Mason’. ]

[ Cut to a curtain closing in front of a movie screen. Andrew Phillip and Malcolm Seats sitting in front of the curtain. ]

Malcolm: Alright, thank you, everyone. I am Malcolm Seats, the head of programming here at IFC cinemas. And I hope you all enjoy tonight’s special screening of South of Mason. Please welcome the director, Mr. Andrew Phillips.

Andrew: Thank you all so much for being here. [ Cut to the audience in the movie theatre. Everyone is clapping and smiling. ] This movie [ cut back to Andrew and Malcolm. ] means everything to me. And if it doesn’t win some awards, well that’s gonna hurt.

Malcolm: Well, I know our audience is brimming with questions. So, let’s get right to it.

Audience 1: Yeah, hi, I have a question. [ Cut to Audience member approaching the microphone. ] Any reason the father was played by a man?

Andrew: I guess because the character was a father.

Audience 1: Yeah, and I noticed, you’re also not a woman. Interesting.

Andrew: I’m sorry I don’t know how to answer that.

Audience 1: Hmm, why don’t you give me one good reason you’re not Latino? Twitter’s gonna love that. Anyway, perfect movie. And congrats on everything.

Malcolm: Apologies, Mr. Phillips. People really feel empowered when they get in front of a mic. Yes, next.

[ Cut to the second audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 2: Yes, excuse me, why did you do the names?

Andrew: The names?

Malcolm: I think she’s talking about the credits.

Audience 2: Yes, the list of names at the end. That made me weep. Is that a list of the dead?

Andrew: No. That’s just the cast and crew.

Audience 2: And uh, they are dead?

Andrew: Dead? No.

Audience 2: So they will never die?

Andrew: What? No.

Audience 2: A beautiful film. Very sad. Very sexy. For this experience, I will sit on you.

Andrew: Oh, please don’t.

Malcolm: You sure?

Andrew: Yeah, I’m sure.

Malcolm: Alright then. Next question. And please be respectful of Mr. Phillips time.

Andrew: That’s okay, this is my only thing tonight. Do you have a question, sir?

[ Cut to the third audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 3: Yes. What does your father think of the film?

Andrew: I don’t know. I actually never met my father.

Audience 3: Well, now you have.

Andrew: Oh my God. Dad?

Malcolm: No. That is Maurice. And he works concessions weekday mornings. Get out of here Maurice.

Audience 3: I’m proud of you, son!

Malcolm: You don’t have kids, Maurice.

[ Cut to the fourth audience member at the microphone. She is holding an old-fashioned suitcase. ]

Audience 4: [ She speaks high pitched with a slight southern belle accent. ] Pardon me. Pardon me. I just got off the train, and I’m so lost and scared. I ain’t never been to New York before. [ She breaks character and speaks normally. ] Hi, Adele Dazeem. Actress, and when I get too old, writer. Mr. Philips, I’d love to be involved in your next project.

Andrew: Great, I’m working on a play.

Audience 4: Oh, pass. [ She walks off. ]

Andrew: Yes, hi, do you have a question?

[ Cut to the fifth audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 5: Yeah, umm. Why wasn’t there any hip-hop in the movie?

Andrew: Because it takes place during World War Two.

Audience 5: Okay, because I was thinking something like um.. [ He begins to rap. ] Growing up. Showing up to nothing. Wishing daddy would say something but not one thing that I ask.

Malcolm: Ooh. Nope. Moving on!

Andrew: Hey, is it always like this?

Malcolm: Well, believe it or not, yes. We give away the tickets on a public bus.

[ Cut to the 6th audience member at the microphone. ]

Audience 6: I have a question. Is there a reception after this?

Andrew: Yes.

Audience 6: And how long should that last?

Andrew: Hour tops.

Audience 6: Okay, okay. I see. Now, if you live 20 minutes from here, what time would you make it home?

Andrew: 20 minutes from here? I don’t know. 11, 11:30?

Audience 6: Hmmm. So tell me why this man right here thinks it’s okay to roll up in my house at 3 am? Smelling like corn liquor because he said he had a reception at work.

Malcolm: I will see you at home, Rhonda.

Audience 6: If you have a home to come to. [ She walks off, and the seventh audience member walks up to the microphone holding a small dog in a carrying pouch. ]

Audience 7: Umm, excuse me. I like the movie, but my daughter disagrees. [ She points to her dog. ]

Malcolm: That’s a dog ma’am, and you can’t have that in here.

Audience 7: Well, what am I supposed to do?! Leave her at home? She’ll commit suicide!

Malcolm: And that’s all the time we have for today.

Andrew: Oh wow.

Malcolm: Thank you, Mr. Phillips, for being here.

[ Audience member 6 walks over to Malcolm. ]

Audience 6: We go home now?!

Malcolm: Yes, okay. Let’s go.

[ Cut to image of outside the theatre front. ]

Traffic Stop: Season 44 Episode 3

Cop 1…..Leslie Jones

Cop 2…..Ego Nwodim

Man…..Seth Meyers

Cop 3…..Kate McKinnon

[ Image of a busy freeway at night. ]

[ Cut to Cop 1 & 2 standing in front a car. The man is walking over to them; he has been pulled over. ]

Cop 1: Sir, just stand over here. We’re gonna ask you a couple of questions. You’re in a lot of trouble, sir.

Man: I know. I know.

Cop 2: Okay, well since you know so much..do you know why we stopped you?

Man: I guess I missed the stop sign back there.

Cop 1: Yeah, that’s right you did. And do you know why we asked you out of your car?

Man: Not really.

Cop 2: Because you fine as hell. That’s why.

Man: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Cop 1: What my partner is trying to say is you a zaddy, and you can get it.

Cop 2: And if you act right, you might could keep it. [ The two cops laugh and high five. ]

[ Cut to intro for ‘Thirsty Cops.’ The theme song is playing: Thirsty cops. Thirsty cops. They’re thirsty cops. Fighting crime but if their perp is fine, they’ll take their time. They’re thirsty cops. ]

[ Cut back to the two cops with the man outside his car. ]

Cop 2: So where are you coming from?

Man: A party.

Cop 1: What kind of party?

Man: A work party.

Cop 1: Woohoo! So he got a job. [ The two cops high five again and dance around. ] He got a job. Ha ha ha ha.

Cop 2: An employed brother! We got an employed brother.

Man: Why is that such a good thing?

Cop 1: Because [ She sings Gold Digger by Kanye West. ] we ain’t messing with no broke broke.

Cop 2: Now I ain’t seeing we a gold digger..

Cop 1 & 2: But I ain’t messing with no broke, broke, broke.

Man: Sorry to interrupt your song officers, but am I in trouble?

Cop 2: Oh yeah, we might even need you to go downtown.

Cop 1: Do you like to go downtown? [ She makes a motion with her pelvic area. ]

Man: Look, I know what you guys are talking about, and this feels like harassment.

Cop 2: Okay. Harassment? Or my assment? [ The cops turn around and stick out their butts towards the man. ]

Man: Alright.

Cop 2: Okay sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Cop 1: And anything you say or do may be held [ She places her hand across her chest. ] against my body. To turn me on.

Man: I’m sorry. Is this real?

Cop 2: Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very real. Very real. Have you been drinking?

Man: I had a whiskey or two, although right now, I wish I had a couple more.

Cop 1: Ohhh, okay! So you a whiskey man? Fine and refine.

Cop 2: Okay, okay. So we talking a Seagrams 7 or more like a Seagrams 9 and a half? [ She points at the man. ]

Cop 1: Whaaat?! Look I’ll be honest, I’ve gotten a ton of DUI’s, and the process was never like this.

[ A third cop walks up to the man from off stage. ]

Cop 3: Alright, alright. What seems to be the problem over here?

Man: Oh, thank God, you’re here Officer. These two are being very inappropriate.

Cop 3: Okay, what’s inappropriate, Sir, is you walking around with that ass.

Man: Oh boy. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer cop 3 on and cop 3 sticks out her tongue. ]

Cop 3: Excuse me, my friend, I’m going to need to phone this in. Car 51 a dispatch suspect is exactly my type. Hot but not cocky. Effortless style. Repeat, suspect is exactly my type. [ Cop 1 & 2 laugh in agreement with cop 3. ]

Cop 1: We’re gonna need you to walk now, sir.

Man: No, I’m not gonna do that. This is illegal.

Cop 2: Wait, sir. Sir. You’ve admitted to drinking, and you’ve had a traffic violation. You’re gonna need to do as we say.

Cop 1: Now, walk!

Man: Alright. [ The man walks across in front of the cops. ]

Cop 1: Yes. [ The three cops check out the man as he walks. ] Turrrrnnnn. [ He turns around. ] Yeah, turn again. [ He keeps turning. ] Yahhh.

Cop 3: Hands on your knees, please sir. Yeppp. [ Cop 1 & 2 cheer as the man bends over to put his hands on his knees. ]

Now sir, sir. I’m gonna need you to look back at it. [ The three cops laugh and cheer. Cops 1 & 2 do a little dance. ]

Cop 3: Hot, cha, cha. Looks like your gals got this covered, you lucky bitches.

Look enough, I swear, I’m good to drive. Okay?

Oh, well, prove it! If I was a car, how would you ride me?

I’d put my hands on 10 and 2 [ He motions putting his hands on the wheel. ] and go full throttle till I run out of gas. [ Cop 1 & 2 scream with joy. ]

Okay. Okay. He tried it.

He tried it.

I tried it. And I liked it.

[ The two cops laugh and scream with joy. Then the two cops make a siren noise waving their arms over their heads. ]

[ Cut to Thirsty Cops outro with a message that says, ‘Please Drink Responsibly.’ The theme music sings, Thirsty Cops. ]

Weekend Update: Amazon 4-Star: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

[ Colin Jost and Michael Che are seated at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Amazon has opened a new store that only sells the company’s highest rated items called Amazon 4-Star. And there’s also a store that sells Amazon’s lowest rated items, called RadioShack.

MICHAEL CHE: A new exhibit has opened at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, dedicated to the life of his slave, Sally Hemmings, who gave birth to six of his children. And you know they are his kids, because they all got that good hair.

COLIN JOST: A vintage airplane will soon be installed at JFK airport and turned into a cocktail lounge. While at Laguardia, it’s now boarding at Gate 32.

MICHAEL CHE: A man in North Dakota was arrested after he climbed into the holy water fountain at mass and started masturbating. Okay, but show me where exactly in the Bible it says you can’t do that.

 

Weekend Update: U.N.’s Climate Change Report: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Colin Jost

…..Michael Che

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. Well, guys, hi. [ He points to an image of Trump and Kanye shaking hands. ] This was pretty crazy. But look, it’s not the end of the world. Okay, because this is the end of the world. [ He points to an image of the world with the words ‘Catastrophic Climate Change by 2030. ] That’s right scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth this week. And people were like, but yeah, what does Taylor Swift think about it? We don’t really worry about climate change because it’s too overwhelming and we’re already in too deep. It’s like if you owe your bookie a $1000, you’re like, ‘I gotta pay this dude back.’ But if you owe you’re bookie a million dollars, you’re like, ‘I guess I’m just gonna die.’

MICHAEL CHE: This story’s been stressing me out all week. I just keep asking myself, ‘Why don’t I care about this?” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I 100% believe in climate change, but yet, I am willing to do absolutely nothing about it. I mean we are all gonna lose the planet. We should be sad, right. This whole episode should be a telethon or something, but it’s not. I think it’s because they keep telling us we’re going to lose everything and nobody cares about everything. People only care about some things. Like if Fox News reported that in 2030 climate change was gonna take away all the flags and Confederate statues, oh there would be recycling bins outside of every Cracker Barrell and Dick’s Sporting Goods. White dudes would learn how to recycle then. Black dudes already know how to recycle good. Every container in my apartment used to be something else. But you know how much more black people would care about the planet if you told us we were going to lose Atlanta in 10 years? Black dudes would put windmills on their rims. You want white women to care about the environment? Tell them that if they don’t do something about climate change, we’re gonna lose all the yarn. White women love yarn. No more hats, no more scarves. No more of those ridiculous socks you knit for your dog.

COLIN JOST: Yarn. In a new interview, Melania Trump changed her explanation for wearing the ‘I really don’t care do you?’ jacket, saying she did at as a message for the liberal media. Then what was the message behind your African safari look? Was it a warning not to play Jumanji? I mean just admit that it was tone deaf. I mean, at this point I’m surprised she didn’t show up to the Kavanaugh hearing dressed as the St. Pauli girl. A new report claims that Taylor Swift’s Instagram post endorsing mid-term candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy’s got 6 million people to vote for, ‘Which burger can get it?’