SNL Tonight

NCI Long Distance

Consumer #1…..Kevin Nealon
NCI Spokesman…..David Spade
Consumer #2…..Melanie Hutsell
Consumer #3…..Rob Schneider
Consumer #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
Consumer #5…..Phil Hartman

Consumer #1: My Long Distance company gives me a discount when I call my favorite area code. What about my favorite zip code?

[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]

NCI Spokesman: NCI will discount your favorite area code, zip code, or any other type of code. We’re the leading discounter of codes.

[ Flash: “Code Discounts” ]

Consumer #2: Sometimes, when I call people, they’re not there to answer the phone. That bothers me.

NCI Spokesman: With NCI, the person you’re calling will always be there to answer the phone. No matter when you call – we guarantee it.

[ Flash: “The NCI Guarantee” ]

Consumer #3: People don’t call me as often as I like.

NCI Spokesman: With NCI, you’ll get calls all the time – from people who like you and respect you.

[ Flash: “Respect” ]

Consumer #3: What about pretty girls?

NCI Spokesman: Yes!

[ Flash: “Pretty Girls” ]

Consumer #4: How come 123456789 isn’t a number? Why can’t it be my number?

NCI Spokesman: Consider it done!

[ Flash: “Extra Long Phone Numbers” ]

Consumer #2: Can that be my number, too?

NCI Spokesman: Sure!

[ Flash: “Whatever” ]

Little Girl: I want a pony!

NCI Spokesman: Take a look in your backyard.

[ Flash: “Ponies” ]

Consumer #5: I hate my boss. I want him dead!

NCI Spokesman: That we will not do.

[ Flash: “No Murder” ]

Consumer #5: I want a phone company that will murder my boss.

NCI Spokesman: Fine. If you switch to NCI now – the next time you make a long-distance call, we will murder your boss. And you’ll recive one hour of free calls to anywhere in the continental United States.

[ Flash: “Fine, Murder” ]

[ show logo: “NCI: The new long distance company” ]

NCI Spokesman: NCI. We want to be your phone company.

SNL Transcripts

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Alright! Hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, I actually was not their first choice. They did want somebody from the NBA, but being Yom Kippur and all, I was the only one they could get. I’m one of the few non-Jewish players in the league. It’s been a fun week, working with the cast, watching Nirvana rehearse – even got to play a little basketball. You see, a while back I played basketball with Godzilla. Everyone here, and myself, thought it would be fun to have a rematch – you know, rent a gym, play a little one-on-one, but give the profits to charity.

[ dissolve to the basketball court, Charles bouncing the basketball ]

Charles Barkley V/O: We ran into a problem – at the last minute, Godzilla cancelled. We were incredibly lucky to find a worthy replacement – Barney.

[ Barney dances on the court ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, Barney, thanks for doing this on such short notice.

Barney: That’s okay, Charles. That’s what caring and sharing are all about!

Charles Barkley V/O: It really didn’t matter to me who won – I just wanted to have a good time..

[ Charles makes a series of slam dunks around Barney ]

Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] Hey, Barney! What’s going on? What we doin’, babe? What’s going on? [ jumps for slam funk, knocking Barney to the floor ]

[ a series of rough basketball moves that leads to Barney’s costume falling apart ]

Charles Barkley: [ close-up, in Barney’s face ] What’s wrong, bro? Had enough? [ smacks basketball on Barney’s head, knocking one of his fake eyes out ]

Charles Barkley V/O: We sure had a lot of laughs that day. We played a good game, but, most importantly, I made a new friend.

[ Charles and a beat-up Barney exit the court ]

[ dissolve back to Charles at Home Base ]

Charles Barkley: We’ve got a great show, Nirvana’s here, so stick with us, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Goodnights

…..Charles Barkeley

Charles Barkeley: Well, thank you. I hope everybody had a great time. I want to thank RuPaul.. Muggsy.. Nirvana. I – hey, it’s been a great week, and I hope everybody had a great time, and it was my pleasure to be here! Thank you!

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead.
No, wait, not me, you.

SNL Transcripts

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Announcer: And now, from the Oval Office, a message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. This past Wednesday night, I laid out the basics of a Health Care plan that would guarantee every American a comprehensive package of medical coverage. If you’re a citizen of the United States, you cannot be turned down. That’s right. If you have an obstructed calcified pancreas, you qualify. If you have a prolapsed colon.. you qualify. If you need a sebacious cyst lanced and drained.. you qualify.

You see, over the last eigt months, Hillary and I have visited with thousands of troubled Americans, who share their anxiety with us. I remember the anguish of the man in Virginia, who told me he lives with the constant worry that, if a loved one were to cut off his penis again, he could not afford to have it re-attached. That he would be forced to keep it in the refrigerator, until he found a new job with the proper coverage. Hillary has heard from countless others, who go to sleep every night fearing that the next time they drink a Pepsi, they will swallow a syringe.

I’ve visited sideshows throughout our great nation, and, for the first time under our plan, the world’s thinnest man – you are covered. Japu, the Indian Ruber Man – you are covered. Lobster Boy – I feel your pain! You.. are covered. But, you, the boy who was raised by wolves.. are not covered; because you are a fraud, it’s just a wig. And I bring up Wolf Boy for a reason – we simply must draw the line somewhere; we cannot pay for everything. For example: Cooties are covered; but not the Heebie Jeebies. Cabin Fever? Covered. Lotto Fever – not covered. Fumbleitis, covered; but Butterfingerw, not covered. Breast augmentation? [ a beat ] Covered! Breast reduction, not covered! As I say, we have to draw the line.

Now, how does this plan work? When you go to your doctor, just present this. [ holds up a card ] Your personal Health Security Card. And for every Health Care dollar you spend, you earn a frequent flyer mile on the Continental 1 pass! Thank you, Continental! Now, for those who did well in the 80’s.. the Health Care Security Gold Card. [ holds up a second card ] It covers skiing accidents, tennis elbow, and hair plugs. Plus, the Health Buyers Protection Guarantee. Say you buy a major body organ for a transplant, and, while in the hospital, the organ is lost or stolen. If you put it on your Gold Card, we will replace it within 90 days.

We can do this. There isn’t anything we Americans cannot do, if we only have the courage to change. However, there are certain things we are too afraid to change.. like, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiightttt!!“

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
September 25th, 1993

Charles Barkley

Nirvana

Muggsy Bogues

Skid Row

RuPaul

Nirvana, “Rape Me”

A Message From the President of the United States

President Clinton (Phil Hartman) unveils new Health Care bill.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

Barney the Dinosaur is creamed in one-on-one match with Barkley.

NCI Long Distance

NCI will do anything possible to be your phone company.

Larry King Live

Larry King (Kevin Nealon) subjects Burt Reynolds (Phil Hartman) to truth serum.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Burt Reynolds.

Daily Affirmation

Stuart Smalley (Al Franken) brings Barkley and Muggsy Bogues together.

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Nirvana performs “Heart-Shaped Box”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Gap Girls

Kristy (David Spade) and Lucy (Adam Sandler) recall night with Skid Row.

Recurring Characters: Kristy, Lucy.

Coffee Talk

Linda Richman (Mike Myers) takes calls on Yom Kippur.

Recurring Characters: Linda Richman.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Who would be better off dead.

Charles Barkley’s Big & Tall Men’s Store

Clothing store to meet basketball players’ fashion needs.

You Put Your Weed In It

Tribal store owner (Rob Schneider) sells artifacts for bongs.

What’s That?

Game show contestants try to determine the sex of various people.

Nirvana performs “Rape Me”

Donkey Basketball

Barkley teaches youngsters the finer points of the sport.

“Office Space, part 1”

Milton stews when his tiny office is used for storage.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 19: 1993-1994


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Starring:

Ellen Cleghorne

Chris Farley

Phil Hartman

Melanie Hutsell

Michael McKean (first: 03/12/94)

Tim Meadows

Mike Myers

Kevin Nealon

Adam Sandler

Rob Schneider

David Spade

Julia Sweeney

Featuring:

Al Franken

Norm MacDonald (first: 10/02/93)

Jay Mohr (first: 10/09/93)

Sarah Silverman (first: 10/09/93)

Episodes

09/25/93: Charles Barkley / Nirvana

10/02/93: Shannen Doherty / Cypress Hill

10/09/93: Jeff Goldblum / Aerosmith

10/23/93: John Malkovich / Billy Joel

10/30/93: Christian Slater / Smashing Pumpkins

11/13/93: Rosie O’Donnell / James Taylor

11/20/93: Nicole Kidman / Stone Temple Pilots

12/04/93: Charlton Heston / Paul Westerberg

12/11/93: Sally Field / Tony! Toni! Tone!

01/08/94: Jason Patric / Blind Melon

01/15/94: Sara Gilbert / Counting Crows

02/05/94: Patrick Stewart / Salt-N-Pepa

02/12/94: Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger / UB40

02/19/94: Martin Lawrence / Crash Test Dummies

03/12/94: Nancy Kerrigan / Aretha Franklin

03/19/94: Helen Hunt / Snoop Doggy Dogg

04/09/94: Kelsey Grammer / Dwight Yoakam

04/16/94: Emilio Estevez / Pearl Jam

05/07/94: John Goodman / The Pretenders

05/14/94: Heather Locklear / Janet Jackson

Summary1993 was the beginning of the end of a small piece of “Saturday Night Live”‘s history.

Lorne Michaels’ return as Producer in 1985 brough forth “SNL”‘s funniest moments since the original cast years, and 1990’s comedy explosion of featured players continued the trend. But as more and more cast members gradually left the show between 1990-1993, the comedy well was fast running dry. A viewing of this season’s episodes will reveal much shock-laden material and few truly funny highlights. For every Alec Baldwin, there was a Nancy Kerrigan; for every Sally Field, there was an Emilio Estevez. 1993 is also the onset of “SNL”‘s habit to return characters that pulled out all the necessary stops during the first installment – ie. Tiny Elvis, Matt Foley, “The Denise Show”, and the Herlihy Boy.

Keep an eye out for Phil Hartman’s final moments, if you can find them hidden amongst the inanity. To sum up: what’s good is really good; but what’s bad is really bad.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 20

92t: Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson & Paul Simon

Criminal Encounters

Morey Frugen…..Tom Schiller
Harley McDougall…..Chris Farley
Pedro Huerrero…..Rob Schneider

(Camera fades in on prison conference room)

Morey Frugen: Hello, I’m Morey Frugen. On the night of June 9, 1992, Harley McDougall was convicted of robbing and shooting Pedro Huerrero, a Spanish immigrant. In this room, the victim of the crime will meet the perpetrator…face to face.

(SUPER: CRIMINAL ENCOUNTER)

(SUPER: SAN QUENTIN)

Do you remember taking his money?

(SUPER: HARLEY McDOUGALL, CRIMINAL)

Harley McDougall: Yeah.

Morey Frugen: Do you remember shooting his leg?

Harley McDougall: Yeah.

Morey Frugen: So you do admit to robbing and shooting him?

Harley McDougall: No…not in that order.

(Camera cuts to Pedro Huerrero)

(SUPER: PEDRO HUERRERO, VICTIM)

Pedro Huerrero: I came to America…to be a professional dancer. Now…my leg…I never dance again.

Harley McDougall: There’s a lot of reasons I did it. Drugs, no job, I grew up an orphan…I had a lot of laundry to do that night.

Pedro Huerrero: I’m sure he have reason for why he hurt me.

Harley McDougall: I had a bad migraine…the cable was out

Pedro Huerrero: I try to forgive you know, but sometimes I wish bad things.

Harley McDougall: My parents abused me…they were always fighting…

Morey Frugen: You said you were an orphan!

Harley McDougall: Okay, that’s another reason

Pedro Huerrero: I would stick an iron bar through this head in one ear, out the other ear and I would turn each end around like a propeller, until his skull popped off like a champagne cork! Pop!

(SUPER: THE ENCOUNTER)

Morey Frugen: Harley, why don’t you start?

Harley McDougall: Hi.

Pedro Huerrero: Hello.

Harley McDougall: How are you?

Pedro Huerrero: I’m handicapped and yourself?

Harley McDougall: Look, if I could take if back, what happened, I would!

Pedro Huerrero: Take back…I just want my leg! Now I never dance again.

Harley McDougall: Dance?

Pedro Huerrero: It was my dream.

Morey Frugen: Would you like to apologize?

Harley McDougall: Apologize? No. But I would like to —

(Harley puts out his hand)

Pedro Huerrero: Never!

Harley McDougall: — dance!

(Harley and Pedro grab each other’s hand)

(“If I Didn’t Care” plays)

Music: “If I Didn’t Care…more than words can say…if I didn’t care”

Morey Frugen: These men can dance, but what about the thousands more that have no rhythm? Tune in next week, I’m Morey Frugen.

(“If I Didn’t Care” continues to play)

(A script of what happened after the encounter scrolls up the screens)

Script: Following this encounter, Pedro stabbed Harley when he refused to merengue and is serving five years in San Quentin. Now known as “Sugar and Spice”, the duo has since won the Warden’s Cup three times in the Annual Prison Dance-Off.

(Fade to black)

Submitted by: Mark Jennings Reese II

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 20

92t: Kevin Kline / Willie Nelson & Paul Simon

Bob Dole Visits the White House

Voice on Intercom…..Julia Sweeney
President Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Senator Bob Dole…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on exterior White House, fade to interior Oval Office, PresidentBill Clinton seated at desk ]

Voice on Intercom: [ buzzing in ] Mr. President? The First-Ladyis here to see you.

President Bill Clinton: [ unenthused ] Oh, great.. send her in.[ Hillary enters ] Hillary, great.. thanks for coming.

Hillary Clinton: I’m really busy. Is this really important?

President Bill Clinton: Well, kind of. A lot of people have beenasking about the Health Care Reform package.

Hillary Clinton: Well, what about it?

President Bill Clinton: Well, they want to know what it’s going toinclude, and when it’s going to be made public.

Hillary Clinton: Well, at this point, Bill, I honestly haven’t thefaintest idea.

President Bill Clinton: Right. Well, do you think you’re gonna haveit ready by Fall?

Hillary Clinton: Truthfully? No, I don’t think so.

President Bill Clinton: Well, is there anything definite you can tellme about it?

Hillary Clinton: Well, we know it’s going to require a huge taxincrease.

President Bill Clinton: Uh-huh.. I figured that. Anything else?

Hillary Clinton: Free needles for addicts.

President Bill Clinton: Uh-huh..

Hillary Clinton: You will not be able to choose your owndoctor – now that we know.

President Bill Clinton: Is that about it?

Hillary Clinton: So far, yeah.

President Bill Clinton: Oh, boy..

[ the Intercom buzzes in ]

Voice on Intercom: Mr. President? Senator Dole is here, he says it’simportant.

President Bill Clinton: Fine, fine.. send him in. [ Hillary showsdiscomfort ] Now, Hillary, we need Bob Dole. Now, let’s put onthe charm..

Hillary Clinton: I remember what to do. Have faith in me.Please.

Senator Bob Dole: [ enters Oval Office ] Hillary. Mr. President.

President Bill Clinton: Bob, have a seat..

Hillary Clinton: It’s good to see you!

President Bill Clinton: What can I do for you?

Senator Bob Dole: Well, Bill, I thought, perhaps, it would be best,if we could talk in private. It would be appreciated.

Hillary Clinton: This is private.

Senator Bob Dole: Now, I would hope the leader of the opposition -the President – could..

Hillary Clinton: I happen to be the co-President of theUnited States. Now, anything you have to say to my husband, you may alsosay to me. Okay?

Senator Bob Dole: Alright, Hillary, if that’s the way you want it. I’mgonna be frank with you. Bill, if you think you can send legislation up tothe Hill, and the Republican leader is just going to roll over and play dead -you can think again! That’s like playing handball with a monkey – we’re notgoing to get in the court!

President Bill Clinton: Well, Bob, we’re anxious to workwith you.

Senator Bob Dole: Well, you’re not going to get anywhere by sending up a bill that has $3.50 of tax increases for every $1 of spending cuts.That’s not going to wash – you know it, I know it, the American people knowit!

Hillary Clinton: I don’t know where you get these figures, Bob.Honestly! [ laughs ]

Senator Bob Dole: Hillary, why don’t you give it a rest? Noone elected you to a damn thing! Now, last year you made fun of womenwho bake cookies. Well, let me tell you something – my wife, Elizabeth Dole,the best Secretary of Transportation this country ever had, she ran the busof this country for four years, and it ran on time! She’d come home everynight, and she still had time to bake me a batch of cookies! So, why don’tyou run along and whip up a batch of chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, macaroon,marshmallow treats, or whatever you make, and keep your nose out of thingsyou know nothing about!

President Bill Clinton: Bob, there’s no reason to get personal.Please.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah! That would be so unlike you,Bob!

Senator Bob Dole: [ angry ] Alright, Hillary, one more word out ofyou, and you’re gonna be a stain on that back wall!

Hillary Clinton: Ooh! Ooh, big man! Threatenin a woman! That’s afair fight, Bob!

Senator Bob Dole: Sure, it’s fair! I’m a man, alright.. a one-armedman, a man who lost his arm in service to his country! And you’re a goodwoman with two good working arms, and that’s a fair fight. You know it, Iknow it, the American people know it!

Hillary Clinton: Alright. You’re on! Come on! [ slaps Bob’s arm ]

Senator Bob Dole: Oh? You want to go, do you? [ starts hittingHillary ]

b>President Bill Clinton: Come on, you two! Come on!

Senator Bob Dole: Now, you stay out of this, Bill. I’m doingsomething you should have done a long time ago!

President Bill Clinton: This isn’t gonna solve anything..

Senator Bob Dole: [ striking Hillary with his one good arm ] How’sthat Health Reform Plan coming along?

Hillary Clinton: [ caught off guard ] Well.. it’s difficult to say..

Senator Bob Dole: I thought so! You don’t have a clue,do you?!

President Bill Clinton: Can’t we just get along..? Please.

[ Hillary grabs Bob’s good arm and twists it behind his back ]

Hillary Clinton: How’s that feel, Bob?! How’s that feel?!

Senator Bob Dole: Real brave, Hillary! Beating a one-armed man.That takes a lot of guts.

President Bill Clinton: This is not the way to solve anything..

Hillary Clinton: [ twisting Bob’s arm more ] Say it!

Senator Bob Dole: [ defeated ] Live, from New York, it’s SaturdayNight.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 15th, 1993

Kevin Kline

Willie Nelson

Paul Simon

Jan Hooks

Dan Aykroyd

Christine Zander

Tom Davis

Bonnie Turner

Terry Turner

Lorne Michaels

Tom Schiller
Bob Dole Visits the White HouseSummary: Bob Dole (Dan Aykroyd) gets into a scuffle with Hillary Clinton (Jan Hooks) while visiting the White House.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Bob Dole.

Transcript

Montage

Kevin Kline’s MonologueSummary: Kevin Kline takes it easy backstage while Kevin Nealon masquerades as him on Home Base, but the Audience McGee (Adam Sandler) is wise to the scheme.

Recurring Characters: Audience McGee.

Mmmph?

Jean Carlo’s Flatulence

How to Find Financial FreedomRecurring Characters: Don LaPre.

Willie Nelson & Paul Simon perform “Graceland”

Weekend Update with Kevin NealonRecurring Characters: Bennett Brauer.

Hub’s GyrosRecurring Characters: Hub, Helios.

Shmee

Dr. Frankenstein’s Re-animation Theory

Willie Nelson & Paul Simon perform “Still Is Still Moving To Me”

“Criminal Encounter”Transcript

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts