Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Jay Pharoah Talks About Black Comedians

Colin Jost

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, comedian Katt Williams made headlines for taking verbal shots at rival comedian Kevin Hart. However, the dispute was reportedly settled at a secret meeting of black comedians in Hollywood. Here to talk more about this our own, Jay Pharoah.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Woo! Wad up, everybody?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Jay? Tell us about this secret meeting.

Jay Pharoah: Okay. The black comedians’ meeting?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] We hold one every year at Eddie Murphy’s house. In his bowling alley.

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. And then tell us, what happened?

Jay Pharoah: Okay, so first [Cut to Jay Pharoah] Katt got up right? And Katt was like, [doing Katt Williams impression] “Now first you gotta understand something boo-boo. This right here, this right here, this is war. There can be only one munchkin on top you ragged son of a bitch!

You know, but that’s when Kevin got up and Kev was like, [doing Kevin Hart impression] “First of all, pow! Ping pang bow! Here’s the problem. I’ll tell you what the problem is. First of all, you got a pern. Only black man get away with a pern is Prince. And he is Prince. You’re not Prince. You got to say hi to Prince, I do too, but I smile. Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

And that’s when Dave Chappelle stands and–

Colin Jost: Hold on. Dave Chappelle was there too?

Jay Pharoah: I said it was all of us, Colin. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] So, Chappelle is like, [doing Dave Chappelle impression] “Hold on, baby. Everybody just calm down, son. Just calm down. We black, ou! We need to stick together. Trust me son. Hollywood is expecting us to fail baby. Let’s just calm down, go to Africa for a few years till everything cools off.”

[doing Chris Rock impression] “Africa? Dave, who wanna go to Africa? Africans don’t even wanna go to Africa. And they live there. [making faces]

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, that’s Chris Rock?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, yeah. So then Eddie gets up, [Cut to Jay Pharoah] and he’s like, [doing Eddie Murphy impression] “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second. Everybody just relax okay? Everybody just relax. Everybody just relax. Everybody just cool out, alright? You know what I’m saying? We’re doing great at bowling, okay? Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan, it’s your turn to bowl. Pick up the ball. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, yea. Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.”

And Tracy gets up, [doing Tracy Morgan impression] “Listen, I’ll bowl. I’ll bowl Eddie. I’ll bowl, you know. I’ll bowl right now. You know, Jackie Gleason is my biological father.”

And then Chris Tucker was like, [doing Chris Tucker impression] “Man! Then hurry up and bowl man. Damn! You’re holding up the game man. Damn, man!”

And then Hannibal Buress goes, [doing Hannibal Buress impression] “Okay, I just don’t understand why errybody has to yell in a site man, over bowling match in a living room. This is weird on so many levels.”

And then, Bernie Mac got up and said, [doing Bernie Mac impression] “Hmm, next time one of you son of a bitches have a party at Eddie Murphy’s house and don’t invite Macman, I’ma bust one of yous son of a bitches head to the white meat.”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Bernie Mac?

Jay Pharoah: Listen man, you got me. Honestly Colin, I made it all up. That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: Okay. Jay Pharoah, everyone.

Jay Pharoah: Boom!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Flossy Dicky… Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pornhub logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to the adult website Pornhub, the searched for term in the 30 of the 50 states was lesbian. But keep in mind, Michael travels a lot. [Picture changes to Michael Che]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Harry Reid at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It’s lonely on the road. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said that the republican party has created a ‘Frankenstein Monster’ in Donald Trump. They’ve also created sort of a [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] fat dracula.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now new segment here on Weekend Update. News From the Future.

[News From the Future intro]

Male voice: News from the future.

[Cut to Future in the dressing room]

Future: [looks at the camera after a while] I told you I didn’t want to do this. Get out of here. What you all doing?

[News From the Future outro]

Male voice: This is been News from the future.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Irish flag, cocaine and a Christian cross at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A catholic priest in Ireland was caught on video snorting cocaine in a room adorn with Nazi symbols. Okay, but show me where in the bible, it says you can’t do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know, last week a woman named Flossy Dicky turned 110 years old, making her the oldest woman in the state of Washington.

Colin Jost: That’s right. So we sent our own Vanessa Bayer to Spokane to give the birthday girl our best wishes. Hi, Vanessa.

[Cut to Vanessa and Flossy]

Vanessa: Hi, Colin and Michael. She has lived through the sinking of the Titanic, the depression and two world wars. And feisty, Flossy Dicky is still going strong. Flossy, how are you feeling on your big day?

Flossy: I am tired.

Vanessa: I bet. And what are you gonna do to ring in 110?

Flossy: Take a nap.

Vanessa: Yes. Who doesn’t love a good nap? I bet you’ve wrecked up a lot of crazy stories. Can you tell us one?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

[Vaness laughing]

I guess some stories are best left untold. Back to you Colin and Michael.

[Cut to split screen]

Colin Jost: Actually, we aren’t quite done yet, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Oh, no?

Michael Che: No, no, no. We heard that Flossy still has a few things left on her bucket list. Can you ask her about them?

Vanessa: Sure, Michael. Flossy, your nurses told me one thing you still want to do is ride in a red lamborghini. Is that true Flossy?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Do you want a ride in a red lamborghini, Flossy?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Is that what you want? To ride around in a red lamborghini?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

A bright red lamborghini, Flossy. Is that what you want to ride in?

Flossy: Leave this place.

Vanessa: Well, you heard the woman. Back to you guys. And don’t come back to me.

[Cut to split screen]

Colin Jost: Actually Vanessa, could you just ask her what is the key to living a long life?

Vanessa: She’s not gonna answer. Flossy, what is the key to living a long life?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Well, I guess the girl has to have her secrets. And I’m going to tell Flossy one of my own right now.

[Vanessa whisper’s at Flossy’s ears]

Flossy: She cussed at me. She said I’m ruining this.

Vanessa: No I didn’t. Back to you guys. And if you cut back to me, I swear I’m going to say the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Vanessa!

Colin Jost: Flossy Dicky and Vanessa Bayer everyone. Thank you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind. And you can read all about in this week’s issue of…”But Why Tho?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City officials have ruled that beginning Monday, they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public. The ruling is more commonly known as “Elmo’s law”.

[Picture changes to Jared Fogle]

You’ll love this one. After just three months in prison, former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has already gained thirty pounds. But that’s what happens when your portions stop being child size. Oh, I’m the bad guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. [Colin laughing] A Florida woman found a missing cat from Wisconsin which had wandered nearly 1500 miles over two months. Or, and hear me out, sometimes cats look like other cats.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Donald Trump, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Wow, where do we even start this week? [Michael Che laughing] Somehow with OJ Simpson. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.] How surreal was that yesterday? I was watching CNN and they were like, “We interrupt this coverage of Donald Trump talking about the size of his hands to bring you an exciting update in the OJ Simpson murder investigation.” I was like, “Wow! FX is realy going all in it’s marketing campaign.” Then the LAPD holds a press conference and they say, “Here is what we know so far. A construction worker found a knife at OJ’s house and he gave the knife to one of our cops. And the cops said, “Cool. Free knife. I’d better hand on to his for 18 years.” Then I guess he saw the show on FX and he was like, “Oh! That OJ Simpson.” So, in the end, the whole point of the LAPD press conference was just saying, “Hey guys, remember how we got accused of mishandling evidence like, 20 years ago? Well, we still got it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson formally ended his presidential campaign. Said Carson, [acting like Ben Carson] “My what now?” With Carson dropping out, this was not a good week for black guys who may have stabbed people. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.]

Also this week, [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Katy Perry on a stage] Hillary Clinton hosted a fundraiser at New York city’s Radio City music hall bringing out a star studded lineup that included singer Katy Perry. So yeah, Bill was there. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, Donald Trump went on record and guaranteed that he doesn’t have a small penis. First of all, congratulations… just to America. Second, I wanna point out that if women have problems with Donald Trump on a physical level, penis size is not even in their top 10 complaints. You don’t hear a lot of women say, “I’m pretty much there on Donald Trump sexually. Just waiting on the dong measurement.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of GOP debate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And unlike republicans, I don’t want to sink to that level of talking about penis size, but since we’re here, you know who I feel bad for is Ben Carson. He picked a hell of a time to drop out. Coz there is no way he doesn’t have the biggest penis of them all. Not because he’s black. But because he’s a little slow.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know how I get it. Bernie Sanders raised over $40 million from donors this month. Sanders’ campaign is now so rich, it’s voting for Hillary Clinton.

Weekend Update Von Miller Explains Gravitational Waves

Von Miller

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Thursday, scientists announced that the detection of gravitational waves whose existence was first proposed by Albert Einstein in 1916. Now, it’s a pretty complicated idea. So here to explain it to us is Denver Broncos linebacker and Super Bowl MVP, Von Miller.

[Von Miller slides in]

Von Miller: How are you doing, Michael?

Michael Che: I’m okay. Von Miller. Now so, Von, you studied science in college, right?

Von Miller: Yeah. I guess you can say that I did.

Michael Che: Okay. Now, explain this to us. The gravitational waves were discovered when two black holes collided with each other. Is that correct?

[Cut to Von Miller]

Von Miller: That’s right. Let me put it like this. Picture two huge forces slamming together. Like say me and Cam Newton.

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You’re just talking about football, man.

Von Miller: No, I’m talking about science. [Cut to Von Miller] Now these forces collide, it makes gravity waves. Like when I collided with Cam Newton and forced him to form.

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Sounds like you’re bragging. Are you sure you’re not bragging about this?

Von Miller: Come on! I told you this is science, man.

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Von Miller]

Von Miller: Now these waves are everywhere in the universe. Just like I’m everywhere when Cam Newton closes and he’s like, [making faces]

[Cut to Von Miller and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Von, you already won, man.

Von Miller: Look, this is a huge discovery. [Cut to Von Miller] No one ever thought it would happen. Kind of like no one ever thought that we would keep the number one offence to just eight points. Hey, but it happened. And it’s amazing. Discovery proves that Einstein’s theory ME=MVP.

Michael Che: Well you got that right. Von Miller everyone!

Weekend Update Rachael Invites Colin to Central Perk

Colin Jost

Rachael… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This month, NBC will air it’s special. The features are reunion of the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Here to comment is Rachael from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachael slides in]

Oh, my god. This is incredible. You know, it’s so great see you Rachael.

Rachael: Oh, Colin. Oh, hi. [Cut to Rachael] Hi. Oh! [Michael Che laughing] Wow! Yeah! Yes.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You know Rachael, I gotta say I haven’t seen you since the 90s’ probably. How have you been?

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah! [Cut to Rachael] Yeah, I’ve been. Yeah, I’ve been good. I’ve been good. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Good. Good. So are you excited to see all your friends again?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Rachael] You know. Joey, Chandler, Phoebs, Mon, and of course, you know, Ross. Yeah.

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s all of them.

Rachael: Yeah. You know, I’m seeing them tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is playing the show at Central Perk and then we’re all gonna jump in the fountain with umbrellas. Yeah. Oh, you know, you should come. Oh, I’ll see you there.

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music]

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is speaking on the phone.]

Yeah, okay bye.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What just happened?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Oh yeah. Yeah, that happens to me every few minutes. Yeah. It’s weird. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s weird. Oh! Speaking of which, [Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost] hey, what’s that?

Colin Jost: What’s what? Where? Oh, that is Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: She’s on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. She has never seen a black person, Colin!

[Cut to Rachael, Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, why don’t you both come over tonight. [Cut to Rachael] Phoebs is gonna bring her new boyfriend and he’s not gonna fit in. I’ll see you there. Yeah!

[cut to a very short clip used in F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for scene cuts with nostalgic music]

[Cut to Rachael and Colin Jost in the Weekend Update set. Rachael is playing with a baby.]

Oh, shh!

Colin Jost: Wait! Now you have a baby?

Rachael: Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes yeah.

[Rachael passes the baby away]

Colin Jost: Rachael, okay. Is it me or do you always sound surprised by everything?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: What? Oh, yeah. Well, what? Okay. Well, I don\t– Okay. What? Yeah. Huh?

[F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song playing]

Colin Jost: Rachael everyone.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones’s List

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

Manwel… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day has officially started right now and here to comment is our Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whoo! How y’all doing? Thanks for having me, Colin. Happy valentine’s day everybody.

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day Leslie. Are you having a good one? Are you having a good valentine’s day?

Leslie Jones: I am not you sexy miracle whip. I just wanna spread you on my sandwich. Listen, [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m happy being single on valentine’s day because I know the perfect man is out there for me.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. Well, they say there’s someone for everyone. Do you know what you’re looking for?

Leslie Jones: Absolutely. You want a list? [Cut to Leslie Jones] Let’s dim the lights. [The lights dim] Give me something smooth Manwel.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Who is Manwel?

Leslie Jones: He is my piano player.

[Cut to Manwel playing piano]

Manwel: Ola.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Take it away, Manwel. My perfect man is happy, kind, a good kisser but not wet. Don’t slob on me. Good breath. Treats me with respect. Tight ass. Considerate. I’m talking about an ass so tight, it can crack walnuts. I love walnuts. Good hair. Nice skin. Smells like an Israeli. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] Have you ever smelled an Israeli?

Colin Jost: Definitely not. No.

Leslie Jones: [whispering] So good.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Generous. Punctual. Good size penis. One that is circumcised and functioning all the time. Big smile, which shouldn’t be a problem if your penis is functioning all the time. I wanna man who is confident. Likes flowers but don’t send me any flowers because I don’t life flowers. Flowers is death. You know how body decomposes and starts to stink? That’s what you sending me when you sending me flowers. Coz you done already cut them up and you sending to me coz they dead! And they stink of death. Death-fumes. I got a bag full of rotten garbage dead flowers. A bag full of death.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [putting his hand of Leslie’s shoulder] Are you okay, Leslie?

Leslie Jones: [looks at his hand touching her and smiles] I’m fine.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Patient. [Colin laughing] Hate avocados. I need a man that talks dirty to me but not so dirty where I gotta give him this look. [makes faces] I want a man that’s loyal. Funny, but not funnier than me. And so far, that has not been problem. [Michael Che laughing] Smokes weed. Mom loves me but not enough where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed. I want a man who can grill a steak without having to cut into it and check if it’s cooked [looking at Colin] like a little bitch.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hey! How many steaks have you seen me cut?

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Completely despises avocados.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait! You already mentioned the avocados

Leslie Jones: Then clearly that is important to me Jost!

Colin Jost: I have to say Leslie, this is quite a list of demands.

Leslie Jones: Because these are the qualities that I admire about myself. Except for the part about the good sized penis. But make no mistake, that if I had a penis, it would be huge!

Colin Jost: [laughing] Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: Huge!

Colin Jost: Happy valentine’s day. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Every Chipotle in the country this week shut down for four hours to hold a company wide staff meeting about food safety. Meanwhile, Panda Express shut down for two hours to hold underground rat fights. [Picture changes to two rats and a man holding money.]

Michael Che: So much money on rat fight.

Colin Jost: A new survey lists the most romantic city in the country as Alexandria, Virginia, while the least romantic city is once again Flu Farts, Ohio.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of OJ Simpson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The renowned doctor who discovered CTE in football players says that he is absolutely certain that OJ Simpson suffers from the condition. He believes OJ develops CTE due to repeated injuries he suffered while committing double murder.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But do you get it?

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a rally Baden Rose this week, Donald Trump singed the hand of a toddler. The message sweetly and simply, “Deport me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just yesterday, Ted Cruz pulled a new campaign ad after it was revealed that a woman featured in the ad was a former softcore porn actress. And once you know she’s a porn actress, the guy’s entrance at the end of the ad is a lot more fun. Here it is.

[Cut to the ad]

Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

[They are having a focus group meet]

[A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]

Man: You guys have room for one more?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m beginning to think that started as a porno and then they just ended up talking about Ted Cruz. I mean, listen to it again with a music turned up.

[Cut to the ad]

Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

[They are having a focus group meet]

[A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]

[porn music playing]

Man: You guys have room for one more?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I’m Ted Cruz. And I approve this [dubbed in different voice] porno.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: All seamless voicover.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag]

Us officials say that the satellite North Korea launched into orbit is tumbling and incapable of functioning. Earning it the nick name, Marco Rubio.

[Picture changes to Peyton Manning]

Anheuser Busch is saying that Peyton Manning was not paid to say that he was going to say he wanted to drink a lot of Budweiser after the Super Bowl. And I guess it was just a coincidence that he left the field on a wagon drawn by clydesdales screaming, “Wazzaup?”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican logo at left top corner.]

Tonight’s GOP debate just ended in South Carolina and Donald Trump was repeatedly boo-ed throughout the evening. Here’s a quick clip of Trump responding to Jeb Bush.

[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [audience boo-ing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And the crazy thing is all Jeb said was, “It’s great to be here in South Carolina.” And also, don’t you guys know? You can’t boo Donald Trump. He doesn’t hear boo’s. If you boo Donald Trump, in his head, it’s just this.

[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [edited clip of girls cheering]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Democrat’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders both made consorted efforts to appeal to African-American voters. One, a lot more than the other. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton wearing Beyonce outfit.]

At the end of that debate, Hillary pulled hot-sauce out her bag.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Al Sharpton at the same table]

This week, Benie Sanders met with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem. And let’s just say they did not tip well.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton at their podiums at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the democratic debate, Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders saying that he needs to be more honest with voters about the difficulty of accomplishing many of his proposals. While Clinton’s critics say she has to be honest with voters about–

[funny music playing]

[A list appears]

[List- Benghazi, private email server, Goldman Sachs speaking fees, whitewater, healthcare gate, troopergate, travelgate, filegate, paradongate, mishandling of classified emails, lied about sniper fire in Bosnia, questionable profits from selling cattle futures, Vince Foster, support of DOMA, support of don’t ask don’t tell, questionable use of Clinton Foundation Donations, Clinton Foundation conflicts on interest, Clinton Foundation tax returns, took furniture from White House.]

All that stuff and– [funny music playing and list appears again] Oh, there’s more?

[List- Did not declare gifts from King of Morocco, used influence to have brother appointed to Haiti mining company, campaigns of intimidation against opponents, Sydney blumenthal advice, connection to Radical Saul Alinsky, pressured Huma Abedin to divorce Anthony Weiner, connection to Peter Franklin Paul, missing law firm billing records, conflicts of interest in foggy bottom, received campaign funds from Iranian government, sale of uranium to Russia in exchange for donations, IRS audit against conservative groups.]

You gotta be honest about that.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump promised this week that he will stop using profanity and other vulgar language on the campaign trail saying, “As we get closer, you will be shocked at how presidential I’ll be.” Adding, “You’ll love it so much, you’ll cream your jeans.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Beyonce at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Beyonce faced outrage for her controversial half time performance. But also, no she didn’t. Can we just stop overusing the word ‘outrage’? When did ‘outrage’ go from pitchforks and torches to strongly worded tweets? I mean, even if you were outraged, what are you really gonna do about it? What? Stop listening to Beyonce? Impossible! She’s too good. She’s like the Beyonce of music. And the better you are at something, the more you can get away with. You know, not a long ago, there was an actual petition to kick Justin Bieber out of the country just for being a horrible person. And then we heard that song ‘Sorry’ and we were like, “Ah, you can stay man.” People got mad when Kanye tweeted Bill Cosby is innocent this week. But my first thought was, “Damn! Kanye’s new album must be dope!” And it is! When you’re that dope, you can say whatever you want. My grandmother is the most prejudiced person I know and we all ignore it. Why? Because she is Beyonce of sweet potato pies.

[The End]

Weekend Update Laura Parsin Says News

Laura Parsin… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: And now for our news castors of Tomorrow series, where we let kids read the news, tonight’s junior anchor is a twelve year old actress who’s in the up coming Nickelodeon movie ‘Study Break Tummy Egg’, please welcome Laura Parsin.

[Laura slides in]

Laura: Hi Michael. What a thrill it is to be here. News,

[singing] talking about news
live on the scene it’s 2016
[mumbling]

Michael Che: That’s so adorable. So, are you gonna report some stories for us?

Laura: I’d love to. [Cut to Laura] This week, Mexican fugitive Al Capone was captured after a escaping from prison. You may remember that Al Capone is merciless drug lord who is convicted of selling millions of dollars worth of narcotics. Including marijuana, heroin and cocaine!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, Laura, do you even know what cocaine is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Not exactly. But I think it’s a powder that makes your brain go, “I’m amazing”.

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I guess that’s right. Look, Laura, don’t you have stories that are more fun or silly? You know?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: The Oregon men are mad because they ask for supplies but instead, people end them dildos!

[Cut to Laura an Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s just get away from news all together. How did you spend your holiday break?

Laura: Well, I watched a lot of TV.

Michael Che: Great! That’s great!

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I loved the show Glee. It’s got wonderful singing and acting and dancing. Everyone in the cast is such a great role model for me. Except the guy who plays Puck, because he just got arrested for child pornography!

[Cut to Laura and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura: Police found there were a thousand pictures of naked kids!

Michael Che: Okay! Laura, did anything good happen to anyone this week?

Laura: It sure did. Comedian Bill Cosby was released on bail.

Michael Che: Oh-oh. No!

Laura: He is so funny.

Michael Che: Laura, the case against Bill Cosby is very serious. I mean, do you even know what he did?

Laura: Um, I think so. [Cut to Laura] He gave some medicine to people even though they didn’t need the medicine.

Michael Che: That’s right. Laura Parsin, everybody!

Laura: [singing]

Michael Che: You’re doing a great job. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.