Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of arm protesters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The arm protesters in Oregon after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys. They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Applebee’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an Applebee’s salad. Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.

[Picture changes to

According to reports, former New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third party candidate. And I for one would love to see Bloomberg run against Trump. They’re both New York billionaires, yet they’re so different. It’s like the political version of the movie Twins. Bloomberg, he looks like he’d speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump looks like he yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks. Or maybe they should just team up. Trump is always saying, “I’m gonna get the smartest guys.” Bloomberg is the smartest guy. He could be the whole branch to the operation and live inside Trump like Krang from Ninja Turtles. But mostly I just want to see Bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone he’s taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces. Plus, if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the south is definitely gonna secede again. How do we even top that? We’d have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood. Pressure’s on, [Picture changes to Naveen Andrews in the series Lost] Sayid from Lost.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a ‘GuyFi’ booth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York city for men to masturbate in. Good! Coz I’m getting tired of doing it in Colin’s office.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Che: Ah! I’m kidding man. I would never… get tired of masturbating in your office.

Colin Jost: Come on, man! I sleep in there.

[Picture changes to a cigarette with written “Second-hand smoke”]

Michael Che: A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the US are exposed to second hand smoke. While the other half don’t have step-dads.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Arizona map and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! Big step-dad’s crew here tonight. Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse. I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse. “Hey you, what are you doing?” “Me? Nothing. I was just gonna have sex with a horse. Okay, you got me. I’m ISIS.”

[Picture changes to science experiment equipment]

A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common are Becky and Shaq.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a snake and Oregon map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two foot long python from a pet store from stuffing it down his pants. Yeah, said the man, “I’ll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger. It’s the one that just bit my penis.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a truck and Virginia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted if off him. And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.

Weekend Update Sturdy Barbie

Barb… Kate McKinnon

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Mattel introduced more realistic body types for Barbie. But here’s one that didn’t make the cut, Sturdy Barbie.

[Barb slides in]

Barb: [talking with accent] Come on. Come on. I’m a grown woman. Call me Sturdy Barb. How the hell are you, Mike?

Michael Che: I’m good, Barb. How are you feeling?

Barb: You know, I am disappointed. I mean these new gals, they’re nice and all but they’re not exactly a revolution. I mean, look at them.

[Cut to Barb. There’s a picture of Tall barbie at right top corner.]

This one’s tall and dundy.

[Picture changes to Petite barbie]

This one’s short and dundy. And only thing curvy on this girl is [Picture changes to Curvy barbie] her booty. Me on the other hand, I’m a little more new. I don’t know. Maybe people aren’t ready for that.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: How are people not ready?

Barb: You know, I went through rounds of testing and kids were saying like, [Cut to Barb] “Her feet can only fit in crocs.” “Is that a faded tattoo or a boxed removal?” You know, and the biggest complaint, “Most of her breast is nipple.” But other than that, I’m just like the other gals. I got the whole line. I got a dream house. I got a dream car. And yeah, it is a ranch style home in an unpopular school district. And yeah, it is an old Mitsubishi Galant but I own them both at right, fully paid off. And thank you so much. And no, I’m not playing astronaut. I’m not playing veterinarian. I am for real, clock and sixty hours a week behind the Los Vegas desk at Balmore International Airport. And this year I got dental and vision. The only thing I don’t have is, you know, can that tuck me in at night.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, but I’m sure you’ll find somebody.

Barb: Oh, I got somebody. [Cut to Barb] I am deep into a thing with an incarcerated vice principal named Alan who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sure he was. So, Barb, do you think Mattel will ever choose you as a new barbie?

Barb: You know, my gut says I was on shortlist. [Cut to Barb] Maybe next go round, I’ll lose some accessories, the sleep apnea machine, binder fold coupons, outdoor cat with heart problems, and sure, I may not be Malibu Barbie, but I am Trying My Best barbie. I’m Been Through A Lot barbie. I’m a barbie that will help you move a couch. I am Sturdy Barbie and I am gonna get on the shelf.

[Cut to Barb and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Sturdy Barbie, everybody.

Barb: My breast is almost whole nipple, though.

Weekend Update Jon Rudnitsky Dirty Dancing

Colin Jost

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Following the success of last week’s Greece live, rumors are now circulating about a possible Dirty Dancing Live starring Channing Tatum. Here to comment is our very own Jon Rudnitsky.

[Jon Rudnitsky slides in]

Jon Rudnitsky: Hey, Colin. How’s it going?

Colin Jost: Great! How are you Jon? What are your thoughts on Dirty Dancing Live?

Jon Rudnitsky: I don’t like it. Channing Tatum? [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] Like, he needs to work? This is theatre on TV. A chance for a regular guy such as myself to truly shine.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’re not a regular guy. I mean, you’re on SNL.

Jon Rudnitsky: Literally nobody knows that Colin. [Cut to Jon Rudnitsky] So, the producers of Dirty Dancing Live, before you make any casting decisions, you don’t wanna hold off because I have a brand new take on it.

[Cut to Jon Rudnitsky and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you wearing Patrick Swayze wig?

Jon Rudnitsky: Maybe. Don, hit the lights.

[The lights turns off and red dim lights is on.]

[music playing]

[Jon Rudnitsky climbs over the news desk and starts dancing like he’s dancing with someone]

Colin Jost: So Jon, have you seen Dirty Dancing?

Jon Rudnitsky: I have not.

Colin Jost: Jon Rudnitsky, everyone.

Weekend Update Derek Zoolander and Hansel

Colin Jost

Derek Zoolander… Ben Stiller

Hansel… Owen Wilson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week was fashion week in New York city. Here to comment on the latest trends in men’s fashion, please welcome Derek Zoolander and Hansel.

[Derek Zoolander and Hansel slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Wow. You know, I gotta say, you guys look really great.

Derek Zoolander: Oh, no.

Hansel: You don’t have to say that.

Colin Jost: And now, tell us, what’s the latest from Fashion Week?

Hansel: No, no. Listen Colin, we’re not here to talk about fashion. We’re here to talk about the one thing everyone wants to hear male models talk about. Politics.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what specifically about politics?

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Fashion.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Have you been following the current candidates?

Derek Zoolander: Well, as you know [Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel] they just held the Iowa Kus-kus. Which I skipped because I don’t need carbs.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Well, the big story was that Hillary Clinton won in Iowa.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: Well you know, Hillary is from the 90s which are very hot right now.

Derek Zoolander: So hot.

Hansel: They remade the X-files and full house and I don’t know if you saw this on the news Tuesday, but OJ Simpson killed again.

Derek Zoolander: Hillary style reminds me of one of my old time fashion icons. Kim Jong Un. Not to name drop but I’m pretty good friends with his sister, Kim Kardashi-Un.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Alright, and what about Bernie Sanders?

Derek Zoolander: Bernie is the champion of the 99%. Apparently, the 99% off the JC Fendi.

Hansel: Yeah, look at that suit. Hey, Chernobyl called. They want their disaster back.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. And then Chernobyl called back and they were like, “Look at that suit!”

Hansel: You know, Bernie is getting lots of young people to vote. But remember kids, voting can be dangerous. One time I was voting and suddenly the booth came in on me. And I was falling and falling into the swirling vortex of light when suddenly I realized, Hansel, haven’t you been drinking Ayahuasca for six straight days? And couldn’t some of this maybe be in your head? And it was. Turns out I can’t even vote. I’m a felon.

Derek Zoolander: Cool story Hansel. Next, we got Tom Cruise. [Cut to picture of Ted Cruz] He has totally let himself go. This is a real Mission Impossible for a stylist.

Hansel: Makes me wanna keep my eyes wide shut!

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. He should take his top gun and do some risky business with a cocktail. Jerry McGuire.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Guys, that’s not Tom Cruise. It’s Ted Cruz with a Z.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Derek Zoolander: Zed Cruz? That isn’t even a name.

Hansel: Come on, Colin. Take it easy.

Derek Zoolander: Yeah. Why don’t you pop a xanax and chill like your buddy Lester Holt!

[Cut to Michael Che.]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: No, no. Alright, I hesitate to ask you guys this. What do you think of Trump?

Derek Zoolander: Oh, we love him.

[Cut to Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Hansel: OH yeah.

Derek Zoolander: Donnie’s just like us. He has the classic male model looks.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Derek Zoolander and Hansel]

Colin Jost: Male model like, you mean like, Lu Steel?

Derek Zoolander: Exactly. But Donnie had Orange Mocha Crapaccino. And this one’s called Hot Mess. And finally after Iowa, He’s got a new signature look, Second Place.

Colin Jost: Derek Zoolander and Hansel everyone. For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a KitKat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman is demanding a lifetime supply of KitKats after she bit into one of the candy bars and it didn’t have a wafer inside of it. And in response, KitKat has issued this statement.

[Picture changes to five KitKat bars arranged like showing a middle finger]

[Picture changes to Hellmann’s logo]

Hellmann’s has announced that it is releasing eggless vegan version of it’s mayonnaise. Hellmann’s is calling the product, Colin.

[Picture changes to Colin Jost]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is picture of a bunch of pencils at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Uh, it’s his month.

Michael Che: Oh, man! That’s not nice dude! [laughing]

Colin Jost: A teenager in Nepal set a new world record by fitting more than a 130 pencils in his mouth, which is the same method they use to cast the latest season of the Bachelor. [Picture changes to TV show The Bachelor logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cheese at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Wisconsin have uncovered more than $90,000 worth of stolen parmesan cheese. Apparently the thief was able to steal so much parmesan by never saying when.

[Picture changes to shredded cheese]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pizza Hut at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In honor of 50th anniversary of the Superbowl, Pizza Hut is giving away pizza covered in edible gold. So kind of look like you won a giant gold metal in the Olympics of sadness.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking February, 2016 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week marks the beginning of a lot of white news anchors telling you it’s Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This week marks the beginning of Black History Month. Back to you Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I never say why do people complain so much about Black History Month. It’s not like you actually have to do anything. There’s no test at the end of it. You don’t have to buy us a gift. There’s no tree. At the most, you gotta sit through a few MLK commercials. And who is so racist that when they watch 30 seconds of ‘I have a dream’, they’re thinking, “Play a white speech.” By the way, this year is a leap year. So there’s an extra day of Black History Month and I’m gonna use it to honor the 29th most important black person in history, [Picture changes to Scottie Pippen] Scottie Pippen.

[Picture changes to marijuana]

A California company has created a new marijuana based vaginal suppository to help women suffering from menstrual pain. And ladies, if you’re lucky, it might give your boyfriend the munchies.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

It’s a thinking. [laughing]

Colin Jost: It’s not a thinker!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican’s logo at left top corner.]

Well, we have real actual breaking news here tonight. Less than an hour ago, the republicans held a presidential debate at New Hampshire and things got off to a real rocky start. Here is actual footage of Ben Carson’s entrance where the one thing he forgot to do was enter.

[Cut to video clip from Republicans presidential debate]

[Chris Christie walking]

Male voice: New Jersey governor, Chris Christie.

Female voice: Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carso walks half way and stops]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh man! Of all people, you’d never expect Ben Carson to fall asleep at the wheel. But don’t worry. Look, he’s a neurosurgeon, he’ll figure things out.

[Cut to video clip of Ben Carson moving forward]

Male voice: Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ben Carson stops again and looks behind at Ted Cruz walking and he lets him pass and he waits.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, that was Ted Cruz as he has always been, very helpful to Ben Carson. I just loved that the stage hand waved at Ben Carson to get on the stage and Ben Carson just stared at him so long that even the stage hang just gave up. But don’t worry. While Dr. Carson was back there, he made a friend.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing together]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Those two won’t even enter the debate. That’s how badly they want to be outsiders. But the ending– the ending, was my favorite part.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson standing]

Female voice: Former Florida governor, Jeb Bush.

[Jeb Bush walks pass them]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What a great look from Jeb. And that is something you will never see again, Jeb Bush passing Donald Trump.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

There was also a debate this week between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, which was hosted by MSNBC and broadcast at 500 decibels.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump finished second in the voting between Ted Cruz and third place finisher Marco Rubio, turning Trump into what he loves the most, a lose surrounded by Hispanics.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s photo in the middle of Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio’s photos.]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

On his first visit to a US mosque, president Obama called on television producers to create Muslim characters that are not related to issues of national security. Although, Mr. President, if you really want to reach TV producers, say it at a Synagogue.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz and his wife.]

Colin Jost: Ted Cruz’s wife revealed that when he needs to relieve stress, Ted calls her and sings Broadway show tunes. It’s something most couple refer to as ‘Irreconcilable differences’. And by the way, if you’re wondering, Ted Cruz’s favorite musical is rent, because he loves how it depicts a young artist with New York values, dying without access to affordable healthcare.

Weekend Update Willie About Blizzard

Willie

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Winter is in full swing with the first snow storm of the season hitting the north east this weekend. And I for one am not thrilled about it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy blizzard, everybody! Don’t you just love it? I can’t wait to go home, wrap myself in a warm cozy blanket, grab a nice thick book and just start racking roaches.

Michael Che: Your apartment has that many roaches?

Willie: Well, squaders can’t be choosers, Michael! [Cut to Willie] It’s like the best removing crew said, “My god, there’s somebody alive in here.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s terrible, dude!

Willie: But, what about all the fun things you can do with snow? The snow angels, making snow balls and all rock salts you can eat.

Michael Che: You eat rock salt?

Willie: We all eat rock salt Michael.

Michael Che: No we don’t, man. We don’t.

Willie: Are you sure?

Michael Che: How is this supposed to make me any better about the winter?

Willie: Well, sounds like somebody’s got the winter blues. [Cut to Willie] You know, whenever I get the winter blues and needs some cheering up, I like to dress up in a little doggie costume I made, and I volunteer down at the animal shelter.

Michael Che: That’s actually kind of sweet, man!

Willie: Well, it’s like they always say. “Nice try, but we’re not gonna put you down, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: But you know who love blizzards? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] I remember one time, me and my brother took Lucias out on the frozen pond, but then the ice broke and I had to jump in the water and save old Lucias’s life. It’s like my mother always says, “You should have saved your brother, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Leonardo DiCaprio

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: ‘The Revenant’ is the number one film at the Box Office. Here with her review is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woo! Ha-ha! How are you doing, baby?

Colin Jost: Hi Leslie. So, what did you think of The Revenant?

Leslie Jones: I loved it. But more importantly, I realized something while watching it. I can have Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, what?

Leslie Jones: Don’t what me, you sexy ass blizzard. I just wanna plow you! That’s right. I, Leslie Jones can have Leonardo DiCaprio. Whoo! Feels good to say it. Ha-ha! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Before today, our relationship was like Inception. Leo inside Leslie inside a dream. But soon it won’t be a dream, Colin. Coz I’m gonna lock his pretty Aviator ass down for keeps.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Are you planning to kidnap him?

Leslie Jones: I’m sorry. My ears can’t hear jealousy, Jost! I know you dream about being duck-taped in my trunk. But I don’t need to kidnap DiCaprio to keep him.

Colin Jost: Okay, so what do you have that all the women who’ve dated Leo don’t?

Leslie Jones: In a word, everything. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Leo, I’m just gonna talk to you right now. [looking at the camera] Hi, Leo. I’m Leslie Jones and I’m a funny bitch. With her own place, great job, and I understand most of your movies. And I’m crazy good in bed. I even make you a ham sandwich after sex. [Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost] You ever had a ham sandwich after sex, Jost?

Colin Jost: I can’t say I have.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. I know you ain’t. All the women you and Leo date ain’t got nothing in a refrigerator but food, water and kombucha juice.

Colin Jost: Kombucha?

Leslie Jones: Kombucha.

Colin Jost: Hold on. Your secret to getting Leo is a ham sandwich?

Leslie Jones: Yeap! And I’m not talking about that cheap ass lunch meat either. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’m talking about the ham that you put into oven with the pineapples. And while you in the bathroom washing your junk off in the sink, I’ll already be in the kitchen butt naked cutting hams singing,

Leo, do you want some mustard!
on your ham sandwich
on your ham sandwich

Not that cheap ass yellow mustard either that you gotta shake coz the other thing comes out first. I’m talking about that fancy mustard that the white people be eating in a back of their Rolls Royce.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a–

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: See, I know what no other women knows, Leo. Leo, you need a lady that can make you laugh! Coz while anyone of them other little pretty bitches can give you an orgasm, I’m the only woman that can give you a laugh-gasm.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And can I ask what is a laugh-gasm?

Leslie Jones: Oh! Look who’s all interested now that I’m with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not it. You’re not with him.

Leslie Jones: Oh! Always the way. Well, if you must know, he would definitely experience something like this.

[showing the laugh-gasm reaction.]

And when I’m done with him, his lips won’t be the only thing that checked. That’s for damn sure.

Colin Jost: Okay right. So, you mean his penis.

Leslie Jones: Of course I’m talking about his penis, Colin. What you think?

Colin Jost: Alright, my bad! Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: That’s DiCaprio Jones baby. Call me Leo.

Colin Jost: Do not call her.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che on his news set. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll in New Hampshire shows that Bernie Sanders is leading Hillary Clinton 60% to 33, said at Clinton Stafford just before being force choked.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peeps at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The makers of Peeps have launched a new online campaign to attract millennial mothers. Oh, sure, but when I try to attract millennial mothers I’m disrupting a Lamaze class.

[Picture changes to Khloe Kardashian]

Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband Lamar Odom, or as Kardashians call that, first base.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of snow blizzard in New York city at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright, let’s check in again with the conditions outside with your friend who always says, “It’s not that bad.” How does it look?

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan frozen in the blizzard]

Hey, man! Are you okay? Hey, you okay man? Alright, cut the feed.

[Cut to Michael Che]

I guess it was that bad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a calendar marked at 24th January at left top corner.

Colin Jost: Today was national compliment day. [pause] Dad.

[Picture changes to few cats and California map]

A California woman has turned her 12 acre ranch into a home for more than 1,000 cats. Reached for comment, her husband left 10 years ago.