Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of snow blizzard in New York city at right top corner.]

As a result of the massive blizzard that has hit the east coast, the officials have banned cars from the road, shut down half the subway lines and advised everyone to remain at home. The one guy ignoring these warnings, my boss. [Picture changes to Lorne Michaels] Yay!

[Picture changes to snow blizzard in New York city]

New York mayor Bill De Blasio said with winter storm Jonas expected to dump 20 inches of snow, New York city is in “Uncharted Territory.” But not everyone agrees. On location with report is your friend who always says it’s not that bad.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan reporting in the blizzard]

How’s it going out there, man?

Bobby Moynihan: Hi everybody.

Michael Che: How is it?

Bobby Moynihan: Seriously dude, it’s not that bad.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Well, there you have it. I guess it’s not that bad.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sarah Palin and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Good to know. This week, Sarah Palin formally endorsed Donald Trump for president. Either that or she saw an open microphone and decided to say all the words she knew in random order.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

In  rally in Iowa today, Donald Trump spoke about how loyal his supporters are and this is what he said.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking at the podium]

Donald Trump: Stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters, okay? It’s like, incredible.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, what are you doing here, man! You’re bragging that your supporters love you so much, they’re okay with you just murdering for sport? You know that’s not what a president does, right? You’re not running for president of Hunger Games. I mean between that and this and Sarah Palin’s endorsement, I’m starting to think Trump is just seeing how crazy he can go. Like a velociraptor testing the fences at Jurassic Park. Coz if Trump escapes and becomes president, hold onto your butts. [Picture changes to Samuel L. Jackson from Jurassic Park.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And is Trump seriously just now realizing that his supporters are a bunch of window licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid speed hold it up to your hear, say you’re getting a call from Batman and they’d be quiet until you hung up your shoe.

[Picture changes to Oscar award]

The producers of this years Oscars are reportedly trying to find black presenters to counter the boycott by black actors. So the Oscars are solving racism by making black people to present white people with gold.

[Picture changes to Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg]

Other black celebrities boycotting the Oscars including Jada Pinkett Smith, Tyrese Gibson and Snoop Dogg. You know, boycott is a very strong word for not attending a party you were never invited to. That’s like the Jets boycotting the Superbowl. [audience yelling ‘boo’] Okay, let’s not say boycott. Let’s just say took the hint. I’m not watching anyway. The Oscar ceremony is so long and white and boring, it may actually win an Oscar. The only part I will watch is the one black guy [Picture changes to Chris Rock] but probably like three hours after it airs and on World Star Hip Hop. And if you don’t know what that is, you probably saw [Picture changes to a cover picture of a movie ‘Brooklyn’.] Brooklyn. There’s nothing more infuriating to Spike Lee than nominating a movie called ‘Brooklyn’ starring only white people. That’s just rubbing it in.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Gun Law

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Obama has said that he will sign the executive order mandating universal background checks for gun purchases which many in congress oppose. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Thanks Colin. Hi buddy. I don’t understand–

[Someone from the audience hooting]

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Oh, thank you lady. I don’t understand why anyone would be against background checks. You know? I wish I did a background check on my roommate. I might have found out that he gets his hair cuts in the living room. Or that he uses my toothbrush to clean his toothbrush. I actually saw a show that it said like, ‘The bait was reopened about whether mentally ill people should be able to own guns’ which I didn’t know was debatable. One guy even said like, “I don’t think the founding fathers wanted the people to lose their rights just because they had a mental illness”, which I guess sounds like it makes sense until you remember we’re talking about the 1700s when the most popular treatment for schizophrenia was like, fire. Just lots of fire. They didn’t have lexapro. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Texas just passed a law allowing people to carry guns into mental institutions. That’s a real thing. Not like joke that we wrote. That happens now.

Here’s a fun fact about me. When I was a kid, I was pretty depressed and I spent some time in a mental institution twice. So far… And I’ll be back. Oh, yeah. And I learned two things. One, the craziest guy there gets the control of the TV. His name was two-eyed Willie.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Why did they call him two eyed Willie?

Pete Davidson: They weren’t his. And second, [Cut to Pete Davidson] none of those people including me should ever be allowed near a gun. I cannot believe they let me drive. Every time I get behind the wheel, I’m like, “Wow, somebody really dropped a ball here.” It’s awesome. If I own the gun, I’d have to guy a new TV every time the Knicks lost. The reason Obama is going straight to an executive order is coz congress refused to even pass a law banning people on the no fire-list from buying the gun. But shouldn’t the gun list be the stricter list? That means somebody out there is being told like, “Sorry sir. Um, we don’t trust you to fly to Cleveland but if you wanna buy this assault rifle and take the bus…” They don’t have security on the bus, man. It’s just the driver who might like turn around once in a while and be like, “Ay! Stop!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

At the GOP debate, Donald Trump defended his concerns about whether Ted Cruz who was born in Canada to an American mother is eligible to be president saying, “There is a big question mark on your head.” But there’s also a big question ark on Trump’s head if the wind hits him just right.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump where his hair is blown by the wind to make a question mark.]

[Picture changes to Iranian flag and US flag]

US officials today announced that Iran is releasing five detained Americans in exchange for seven Iranians held by the US. President Obama praised the deal while an outraged Ben Carson said, “He wouldn’t be satisfied with any deal that didn’t include the prisoner of Askaban.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll shows that Bernie Sanders leads Hillary Clinton by 19 points among female millennial voters who like his proposal such as free college tuition. But I don’t know. Typically, when young women trust some old dude who promises to pay for their college doesn’t always end well.

[Picture changes to NFL Rams logo and Los Angeles city]

The NFL announced that the Saint Louis Rams will return to Los Angeles which I knew was coming the second I saw their mascot got some work done.

[Picture changes to an Oscar award]

The Oscar nominations were announced Thursday and for the second year in a row, people are complaining about the lack of diversity among nominees. But as a person of color, I’d be happy if the Academy just nominated movies that people actually see. I mean, are you telling me that anybody here has actually seen ‘Room’? Or ‘Brooklyn’? Or ‘The Golden Moon’? You’re lying, coz I made that last one up! If you want people to watch the Academy awards, you have to give us something we can root for. Just imagine how excited kids would be to see ‘Star Wars’ win. Or black people to see ‘Straight Outta Compton’ win. Or how excited Colin would be to see ‘Staten Island Summer’ nominated.

[Cut to Colin Jost giving thumb-up]

[Cut to Michael Che]

The Oscars should showcase more of the movies that people actually watch. Like porno! Why can’t porn be nominated? Oh, what? You’re telling me it’s okay to watch movies about people killing and dying and explosions and death, and that’s all perfectly fine. But if I wanna watch two people make love I gotta close my laptop, I’m disturbing the other passengers? Who’s really the sick one?

Weekend Update Deenie talks about soap opera

Colin Jost

Deenie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well it’s almost 2016 and it’s time to reflect on what happened on some of your favorite shows. Here with the daytime drama wrap up is somebody’s mom, Deenie.

[Deenie slides in with a box of food she is eating.]

Welcome, I love your sweater.

Deenie: Oh thanks. I got it out of garage cell but I washed it. You two are riot by the way.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you.

Deenie: Love ya.

Colin Jost: Thanks very much. So, is this been a good year for yourself?

Deenie: Oh, have they ever getting good?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Deenie: There are so many good characters on there this year, you know? Like, what’s his name? Mustache man.

Colin Jost: Mustache man? Okay, what did he do?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Yes, so mustache hired the guy who looked like red head husband while perfect skin was tied to the bed in the boathouse.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, who?

Deenie: Yeah. [Cut to Deenie] And then sex part gets involved with it. And now his wife Dark hair is gonna be so pissed off, she’s gonna kill mustache.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Who is mustache?

Deenie: Mustache, the rich one. The one who owns the fish cannery with his kids, you know mustache. The kids are hottie, sex–[laughs], and skinny-minny. Oh, and pris pants we had with big boobs.

Colin Jost: Okay, I’m sorry, you know the names of any of these characters?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: No. I kind of half watch it while I’m coloring in my adult coloring book. It’s good for you brain.

Colin Jost: Good for your brain. [Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie] And what are you eating there?

Deenie: Oh, it’s baked salmon. [Cut to Deenie] My favorite part are the skin and grey part along the bottom. I’m sorry. Is the smell making you hungry?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Um, no. Not hungry, no. Back to your soaps, I’m at the edge of my seat here.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Okay, no, but get this, big boobs was stuck in the skyscraper fire with military jackter who’s got the hatch for big boobs.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now, how long have you been watching this soap?

Deenie: Everyday for 40 years.

Colin Jost: And which on do you watch?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: The one before the other one. It’s got the piano music at the beginning.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: Piano music. Like, Young and the restless?

Deenie: Sure.

Colin Jost: So, what do you think is in store for the New Year?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Oh, I’m gonna chill in my aunt’s place for a bout a month and then I’ll take my tree down.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Deenie]

Colin Jost: No, I mean the soaps.

Deenie: Oh! Okay. [Colin Jost is laughing] I will keep you posted.

[Colin Jost pushes away the lunch box away from him]

Colin Jost: You’ll keep me posted?

Deenie: I just hope they don’t cut  stupid election garbage because cotton candy had said something rude about zarpado er bj in the White House’s wife.

Colin Jost: Okay. Deenie, everybody.

Deenie: You want some? [passing the lunchbox]

Colin Jost: No, no, I’m good. Okay, a little bit.

Michael Che: That fish smells terrible.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Tina Fey

Amy Poehler

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Activists are upset that the navy has named a new combat ship after president Andrew Jackson saying he was pro slavery. Yeah, but so were ships.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The PBS series ‘Finding Your Roots’ has discovered that Bill Maher and Bill O’Reilly are actually distant cousins, having descended from the same ancestor a screaming potato!

[Picture changes to a Christmas Tree]

You know, this holiday season there’s a lot to be thankful for. But I’m thankful for one individual in particular and his name is Martin Shkreli. [Picture changes to Martin Shkreli.] Shkreli is that guy who hyked up the price of an HIV drug by 5000%, and this week he was arrested for scamming investors in a multi million dollar ponzi scheme. Okay, first of all, congratulations on reinventing yourself, Martin. You know, not many villains have a whole second evil career. I mean it’s not like [Picture changes to Mussolini] Mussolini also started Draft Kings. And I gotta say, it’s really hard to be the most hated man in both finance and the pharmaceutical industry. I mean, that’s like being a lead singer of Nickle Back and Smash Mouth.

Guys, Martin Shkreli is a real life Grinch. And you know what? Maybe one day his heart will grow three sizes too big. And then we’re gonna be there for him… to jack up his heart medicine by 5000%.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a Christmas tree at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A 96 foot tall Christmas tree in California was destroyed when it was engulfed in flames. Authority suspect arson and are on a lookout for this suspect. [Picture changes to nine branch menorah]

[Picture changes to Kwanzah candle stand]

You know, next Saturday is the holiday of Kwanzah, and if you’re unfamiliar Kwanzah is an African American holiday that’s only celebrated by Rachel Dolezal and McDonalds. Black people do not celebrate Kwanzah.

[Picture changes to a calendar of month December of 2015.]

It starts on December 26th. You can’t follow Christmas with a worst Christmas. That’s like if at the end of a Beyonce concert she goes, “And ladies and gentlemen, Fergie.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Star Wars logo and a church at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A church in Germany will host a Star Wars themed service on Sunday that will highlight the parallels between scripture and the films. And if you haven’t been to church in a while, spoiler alert, god is Jesus’s father. Spoiler!

[Cut to Michael Che laughing. There is a picture of monkeys at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Zoo keepers in England are searching for a monkey that escaped from enclosure after being bullied and losing a fight with other monkeys. Officials say that monkey is white and grey, timid and answers to the name Jeb.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Well it’s the Christmas show tonight, and we’ve got a little something special for you guys.

Michael Che: Yes, here to tell our last two jokes of 2015, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Tina Fey and Amy Poehler slide in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Tina Fey: There we go. Last two jokes of 2015. Parents in Connecticut were upset after an elementary school teacher had students in her class change the lyrics of Silent Night from Holy Night to Solstice Night. Worse, she changed the name Virgin Mary to Over The Jeans Mary.

[Cut to Amy Poehler. There’s a picture of handcuffed hands at right top corner.]

Amy Poehler: New York City police said that this year’s sex crimes on the subway such as groping and flashing have jumped nearly 20%. What can I say? I had a good year.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler]

Tina Fey: Hope you have a Happy New Year.

Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And I’m Michael Che. Goodnight!

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: How’s it going everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Political experts are saying that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is having trouble winning over younger millennial voters. Mainly because in polls, millennials keep choosing themselvs.

Hillary is trying to reach out to millennials now though with her new campaign slogan “Netflix and Hill”.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie and Barack Obama.]

At the GOP debate, Chris Christie criticized president Obama calling him a feckless weakling. Wow, someone got a dictionary for Christmas! I had to look that one up. Let’s see. Feckless, inept or irresponsible. Hah, well let’s see used in a sentence. It would be a feckless attempt at revenge to close three lanes of a bridge in New Jersey. Hah! Interesting. I think that was a good sentence.

[Picture chagnes to republican debate]

Throughout the republican debate, many viewers took notice of an off screen cough that repeatedly interrupted candidates’ answers. No one is exactly sure where the cough came from, but it’s now polling 3 points ahead of Rand Paul.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marco Rubio at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Marco Rubio has launched a new campaign ad aimed at traditional values voters. Said traditional values voters, “Rubio, what is that? Italian?”

Officials for Ben Carson’s campaign said that he has cancelled a plan trip to Africa siting potential seciurity issues. Carson said he got worried after watching a disturbing documentary, “Jumanji”.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Breaking Bad

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Golden Globe nominations were announced this week honoring the best in film and television. Here to comment is our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! Merry Christmas you frothy glass of eggnog.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Welcome Leslie. Merry Christmas. So what do you think of this year’s nominees?

Leslie Jones: Man, I’m mad as hell, Colin. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I can’t believe the golden globe snub the greatest show on television, Breaking Bad.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, wait. Leslie–

Leslie Jones: Don’t interrupt me.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Leslie Jones: Okay? So the dad from Malcolm in the Middle gets cancer. He starts cooking meth. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Great idea, right? But his wife Skylar doesn’t approve. I mean Mr. White is making a million dollars a day, Colin. A day! And she still not happy. I’m like, “You need to get your ass your there and juggle them balls, bitch!” That is your purpose.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie, Breaking Bad came out seven years ago on AMC.

Leslie Jones: What the hell is AMC? Don’t they make hatchbacks or something like that? I can’t believe you ain’t telling me about Breaking Bad.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about? I told you about it all the time.

Leslie Jones: Man, I’m always trying to have sex with you. You think I hear you talk?

[Cut to Leslie Jones] Anyway, Mr. White is making a million dollars a day. So, it got me thinking about my retirement. You know what I’m saying? So I enrolled myself in a nice cool chemistry class.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on, wait a second. Are you saying you’re gonna start making meth?

Leslie Jones: Eventually. [Cut to Leslie Jones] We haven’t got to the meth yet. We’re still making volcanoes. They won’t let us get to the good stuff. But I already stole all the beakers and the bunsen burners from the joint and I bought a RV and parked it our there by the tree.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You’re saying you took a mobile meth lab, parked it under the Christmas tree of Rockefeller Center?

Leslie Jones: Yeah! The only thing I need now is emotionally damaged white boy. You wanna be my Jessie Jones?

Colin Jost: Of course, yes, I will be, Leslie. But I’m not emotionally damaged.

Leslie Jones: Oh, you will be when I’m finished with you.

Colin Jost: Okay. Leslie Jones, everyone!

Leslie Jones: Woo! We’re cooking it, baby!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Angela Merkel on Time Magazine

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Time magazine this week named Angela Merkel as it’s 2015 person of the year. Here to comment is German chancellor, Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in]

Angela Merkel: [in calm voice] Woo, woo, woo.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you okay chancellor?

Angela Merkel: I’m trying to celebrate. My body is rejecting it.

Colin Jost: Your body is rejecting celebrating?

Angela Merkel: Well, let me talk. Oops!

Colin Jost: Alright. Well, Time person of the year though. Right? I mean you must be at least flattered by the honor.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Of course, this is unt-hoot as well as un-tolla. But 2015 has not been the easiest year. Greece wanted to borrow more money. Syria asked if 1 million refugees could sleep on my couch. Unt, my favorite blazer has been discontinued at the short unboxing. Plus, [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost. Angela Merkel pulls out Time magazine with her on the front page.] look at my face. This is like a pile of oat meal with two blueberries for eyes. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It just smiles and says, “Are we done here?” [starts sobbing]

Colin Jost: Now, hold on. [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost] I think it is at least a huge deal. You know? Cheer up. Think of it as a Christmas present from Santa Claus.

Angela Merkel: Yea right, you’re right. But in Germany we do not have Santa Claus.  We have an ancient demon named Crampas. [Cut to Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: Oh yeah.

Angela Merkel: Yes. Your horror movie is what our children look forward to all year. If you’re nice, he gives you a tiny block of thick paste. And if you’re bad, he ices your out emotionally until you scream, “What have I done?” But he never says. He just rolls his eyes and leaves you to punish yourself. But it works.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that sounds terrifying. Now, Donald Trump was very critical of you winning the title. He says you’re ruining Germany.

Angela Merkel: Oh yeah, I guess he prefers earlier stuffs. Woof! Woof! [Cut to Angela Merkel] You know, the only thing he and I’d see eye to eye on is hair shapes. Because we have the same stylist.

Colin Jost: Same stylist?

Angela Merkel: Yes. We just walk in, we have– “You have three seconds, go!”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And Angela, did you hear from any other world leaders?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Hillary and I were exchanging tiny umes… She was like, [Cut to Angela Merkel] “Congrats on the cover, girl.” And I was like, “Congrats on republican nominees, girl. By the way, do you think Barack Obama saw the cover photo because I ran into Barack at the climate summit and he makes my climate warm, like, more than 2 degree Celsius. Woo-woo.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I at least hope —

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: It’s a goo try, it’s almost taking.

Angela Merkel: Woo.

Colin Jost: No, no. It’s weird. It’s weird. You can’t celebrate. I hope you at least take some time to enjoy this moment.

Angela Merkel: Yeah, I will, I will, because our Christmas holiday is coming up and I plan to take full three hours. I will get turned up, there will be so much eggnod.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, eggnod?

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Yes, this is when you watch a chicken hatch from an egg and you nod at it, and it nods back at you as if to say, “We are all born and we all shall die. Merry Crampus everyone.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Merry Crampus. Angela Merkel, everyone.

Angela Merkel: Time for me.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Cuban flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Brooklyn has adopted a stray kitten they found while in a trip to Cuba. So congratulations, your plan worked caviar!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of young kids at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new poll, only 65% of American teenagers still think Facebook is cool. ‘I still like those odds”, said a sex offender.

[Picture changes to a cartoon character Charlie Brown.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Is that the sex offender?

Colin Jost: I think that was the other. Sex offender was like, “Aw!” A former child actor who played the voice of Charlie Brown in several peanut specials was sentenced to five years prison for making criminal threats. All this despite the fact that he had access to affordable psychiatric care. [Picture changes to cartoon picture of Charlie Brown  sitting in front of a board that says “Psychiatric Help 5 cents.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a candle and Pringles chips logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Pringles is now selling candles scented like their potato chips. In case anybody wants to die in a saddest fire.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Burt Reynolds and Charlie Sheen at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Burt Reynolds criticized Charlie Sheen saying he deserves to get HIV. Adding, “For his work in Major League 2.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of police car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I like that one. A woman was arrested by New Jersey Police for Drunk Driving, repeatedly telling officers that she was “Looking for New Jersey.” But you know, if you’re driving around drunk and lost, you don’t need to look for New Jersey, coz it’s been inside of you the whole time.