Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

At a rally in South Carolina, Donald Trump called for a total and complete ban on Muslims entering the US. [Picture changes to Ben Carson] Ben Carson agreed that Muslims are dangerous agents of evil who speak in unintelligible language and are yellow with blue pants and goggles, and he’s definitely thinking of minions. [Picture changes to The Minions.] You know, this is gonna sound crazy, but I don’t believe Donald Trump is a racist. I think he’s just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He’s hassling them. His best friends are Mike Tyson, Don King and Omarosa. I know black people that wouldn’t hangout with those black people. Donald Trump is as much of a racist as he is a devout Christian gun fanatic. None of what he saying is true. You don’t just develop racism overnight on a campaign trip. Racism is embedded deep down in a person’s soul. I’ve looked into that man’s eyes. Donald Trump doesn’t have a soul. There’s nothing in there but dollar signs floating in cologne.

At this point, Trump is the political equivalent of phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies republicans want to hear. And his supporters are hanging up saying, “I think Donald Trump really likes me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I agree I don’t think Donald Trump is a racist. That’s just what he is selling. The same way [Picture changes to Peyton Manning on Papa Johns commercial] Peyton Manning sells Papa Johns. He doesn’t actually go home and eat Papa Johns. I mean, that guys has enough internal injuries as it is. But isn’t it almost worse if Donald Trump doesn’t believe what he’s saying? Because it’s one thing to sell Papa Johns, it’s another thing to sell it by saying, “We should round up all the Taco Bells and send them back to Mexico.”

[Picture changes to Jeb Bush]

According to a new report, Jeb Bush’s campaign and the super packs supporting him have spent more than $30 million on ads for him. And from the looks of those ads, it seems like things aren’t going great for Jeb.

[Cut to made up Jeb Bush Commercial]

[Sentimental music playing while showing pictures of Jeb Bush looking sad. At the bottom, it is written “Rescue Jeb Today 1-800-5550-199.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kendrick Lamar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Send some money today. The Grammy nominations were announced with Kendrick Lamar getting 11 nominations. [cheers and applause] I know. It’s a first good news in a while about a black guy getting something 11 times.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cool.

Weekend Update Laura Parsons Says News

Michael Che

Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: We recently asked a few kids to audition for our news casters of tomorrow’s segment. This week’s winner is a 12 year old actress who starred in the upcoming Disney TV movie Three, Two, One Recess, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Che. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today?
it’s all about news

Michael Che: Okay, so far, so cute. Alright, now do you have some headlines for us Laura?

Laura Parsons: I sure do. Are you ready?

Michael Che: I am.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: This week Donald Trump said he wants to create a database of Muslims which many on the left are comparing to what happened in Nazi Germany.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, that’s a very adult story Laura. Do you have– do you even know what you’re talking about at all?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Not really. No, I just memorized the script. Like they say in newsies, I don’t make the news, I just report it fella!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, well do you have anything with little laughter?

Laura Parsons: Sure! Study show that thanksgiving excitement is on the rise.

Michael Che: Well, I like that.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Also on the rise, the death rates of middle age white Americans which has skyrocketed due to substance abuse and liver disease. The only time death rates were higher was a small spike in the 80s due to AIDS!

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Laura Parsons: Speaking of AIDS, do you know Charlie Sheen?

Michael Che: Oh god!

Laura Parsons: He is so funny, and he’s got HIV!

Michael Che: Do you even know what HIV is?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: I sure do. It’s when you’re whole body goes, “Oh boy!” Speaking of boys, Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Okay, Laura! Laura! I think we’re good. You did a great job. You really did.

Laura Parsons: I did?

Michael Che: Yes.

Laura Parsons: Great. Extra, extra, I did a great job.

[singing] And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everyone!

Weekend Update David Ortiz Retirement

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week Boston Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz announced that he is retiring from baseball after next season. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

David Ortiz: Como estas.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Big Poppy. So you’re retiring from baseball?

David Ortiz: That’s right. [Cut to David Ortiz] And we celebrated with a big lunch. Yeah. Everybody have a lunch. We have mofongo, pica pollo, pescaito frito and batata fritas.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You had all that for lunch?

David Ortiz: That’s right. Big Dominican lunch with Big Poppy.

Colin Jost: And now what are you gonna do after you retire?

David Ortiz: Who, me?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

David Ortiz: Oh, no. I only retire from baseball, Jost. You know, I still sponsorship.

Colin Jost: Like, you do sponsorship?

David Ortiz: No. I sponsor ships. It’s like commercial I do.

[Cut to David Ortiz. A picture of a ship appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Ships. You want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet? How about a ship? It’s like a plane but bad. With ships.

[The picture disappears.]

Yeah! I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning. It’s Smidgeon of pigeon.

[A picture of Smidgeon of Pigeon appears at the bottom of the screen]

Smidgeon of Pigeon. You wanna taste a little pigeon? But you don’t wanna eat whole one? Then put a Smidgeon of Pigeon.

[The picture disappears.]

It’s basically oregano.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I did not realize if that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.

David Ortiz: Oh! Yeah, man! And you know what you can put it on?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: What?

David Ortiz: You can put it on mofongo, mondongo, langostas fritas, croquetas de bisque.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now that’s a big meal. Are you worried about eating this much after you stop playing sports?

David Ortiz: Oh no, Colin. Because I have the perfect yim (gym) to workout there, okay?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: Yim?

David Ortiz: Yeah, it’s so good yim. It’s called Iguananox.

[Picture of Iguananox logo appears at the bottom of the screen]

Do you not like working out at the yim, but you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there too? Check out Iguananox.

[The picture disappears]

Very few deaths.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I knew to stay and shave, Jost. Because I started a new dating website.

Colin Jost: Sorry, dating website?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. It’s called ‘go outside’.

[Cut to David Ortiz. There’s a picture of ‘go outside’ logo at the bottom of the screen.]

Do you wanna meet some people? Go outside!

[The picture disappears]

And look around man. Everywhere is people.

Colin Jost: It’s a grate point. It’s a great point.

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right. You can it out in wabble-you wabble-you wabble-you (he means www) gooutside.whynot.havesomefun.thisgoingtobegreat.mofongo

And please use a promo code: Wasakaka con queso frito.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: David Ortiz, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of toys at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An advocacy group has released it’s annual list of hazardous toys which includes dinosaur claws from Jurassic world and a folding trampoline. Bad news for kids whose role model is the Terrano Raptor. [Picture changes to a person dunking basketball on a red dinosaur costume using a trampoline.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Why would he be a role model? Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is ending his campaign for president after getting really tired of telling the other candidates that he was not the IT guy. It’s an innocent mistake.

[Picture changes to Radioshack logo]

Radioshack is hoping to boost it’s holiday profits with early Black Friday sales and staying open on Thanksgiving day. You may know Radioshack from their slogan, “Hey! Didn’t I use to be a Radioshack?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study suggest that house cat share similar personality traits with African lions. And if they were bigger, they would kill their owners… instead of just waiting for them to die of loneliness.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[Picture changes to Subway Jared Fogle and a judge gavel.]

Former Subway Sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty for having sex with minors was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Fogle said he was just happy to get anything under 18.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of shipping containers piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How did you think that was gonna end?

Colin Jost: I thought it would be uplifting.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. A housing developer in Arizona has created new apartments costing a $1,000 a month that are made out of shipping containers. It’s all part of his plans to trick Mexicans.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

It’s not my plan.

This Thursday is Thanksgiving and in the spirit of cultural exchange between the pilgrims and the native Americans, Colin and I would like to have an exchange of our own.

Colin Jost: That’s right. That’s why we’ve each picked a joke that we wrote and we’re letting the other one tell it. Che, why don’t you go first?

Michael Che: I sure will, buddy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an old notebook at right top corner.]

Adolf Hitler’s Meni– Jesus! Adolf Hitler’s manifesto ‘Mein Kampf’ will return to German book stores in January after nearly 70 years. But I don’t know, I might just wait to read it on ‘Mein Kindle;.

Come on, man! That is a cheap one.

Colin Jost: I know. That’s true but I bet you did not see it coming.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. [laughs] Just tell your joke, man.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Michael Che: This is the one you wrote for me?Yeah.

Colin Jost: Alright. A team of doctors will soon perform a surgery that uses muscle and skin from a man’s arm to give him a new penis which he was born without. And before the man with no penis goes into surgery, let me just say this, “Good luck, Colin.” [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

Now that’s not…

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Be thankful for what you got, Colin.

Colin Jost: that’s not the spirit.

Michael Che: Happy Thanksgiving bud. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Don’t encourage him.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at left top corner.]

Jeb Bush said that he will be willing to send ground troops in the Syria and Iraq to stop ISIS. Coz you never wanna be the one guy at thanksgiving who hasn’t sent troops [Picture changes to George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush] to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Donald Trump said that if elected he would certainly implement a database system to track Muslims in the United States which is absurd because there is simply no way that we as Americans don’t already have that.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: This week a debate is raised about whether to let Syrian refugees enter the United States.

Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this and immigration in general.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: See, America is a nation of immigrants. But once we get here, we get really suspicious of any new immigrants. It’s kind of like America is this giant awesome roller coaster and you wait in line for every ride. Then we finally get to the front, we ride it and it’s awesome. Then it finishes and we’re like, “Okay, shut it down.” “Wait, there’s all these other people waiting in line.” “No, no. I just wanted it for me and my ethnicity. Then it’s closed forever. You guys have to stay on the other side of the fence and watch us go ‘Wee’.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, first of all, my ancestors weren’t exactly immigrants. We were more like invited guests or cargo. Second, you know this whole country was stolen by immigrants by the first place, right? So, I can get why Americans would get skeptical of other immigrants. If I stole your car and get away with it, the first thing I’m gonna do is buy a better security system for my new car coz there’s thieves out there.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And now, some people are saying there should be religious tests so we only let in the Syrians who are Christian. But you know how easy it is to lie about being Christian? I do it every time I go home for Christmas mass. I just start off real strong with “Our Father” and I kind of lip sync for a minute, and I finish real strong with “Amen”. I mean, that’s why every Catholic sings in a whisper coz we don’t know any of the damn words.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Personally, I don’t trust any religion that requires a hat. I don’t mind small hats. It just seems like the bigger the hat, the weirder the rules. I never been listening to a dude in a big ass hat and thought, “Man, this guy seems reasonable.” That’s why I stopped listening to Pharrell. [Picture changes to Pharrell Williams wearing a hat.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ISIS Pharmaceuticals logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After recent events, a biotech company in California is considering changing it’s name from ISIS Pharmaceuticals. As well as it’s most popular drug, [Picture changes to a Boko Harambien container.] Boko Harambien.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Bathroom Gender

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week voters rejected the Houston equal rights ordinance which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, how you doing? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was voted down because [Cut to Pete Davidson] some people claim it’s just an excuse to allow guys in women’s restrooms. You know? The theory is that men in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their names, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals. What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there? There is not shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball.

I grew up with a mom and a sister, so I know a little something about sharing a room, like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hangout in there. Last week I accidentally walked in on my mom in the toilet and I don’t think we’re ever gonna speak again.

Even if for some reason you’re desperate to use women’s bathrooms, you don’t need a sex change to do it. You could just walk in. There’s no bouncer. The door is right there. Seriously, I’ve been using the ladies room here to poop for the last two months.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. We’ve actually gotten a lot of complaints.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, from me. It’s filthy in there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It looks like a man made out of toilet paper was murdered in there.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Then why do you keep using it?

Pete Davidson: Because it’s the only bathroom that has wifi. And Cecily has a beautiful singing voice. [Cut to Pete Davidson] That was my favorite line.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Look, you know why I’m not worried about a woman in the men’s room? Coz every sporting even I’ve ever been to, a girls has bursted in and said, “Line’s too long. I’m peeing in here.” And guess what? It didn’t ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it’s the only reason I washed my hands.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky about Steroids

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the anti-doping agency suspended all Russian track and field athletes from international competition due to steroid use. Here to comment is a woman from remote village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: [singing] Oops, I did it again.
Got tricked by a goat
I gave him my clothes
Oh, stupid Olya

Colin Jost: Welcome back. [laughing] Welcome back. Now, can I ask what have you been up to since last time?

Olya: Oh, you know, just brunching and gabbing with my gal-pals.

Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No Colin, I live in Russia. I’ve been crying and screaming non-stop.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, are you disappointed to learn that the Russian track and field team has been doping for years?

Olya: Colin, can you really blame people in Russia for trying to run faster? [Cut to Olya] They’re just trying to get the hell out of there. And I say go for it. Run Borris, run.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But Olya, okay, they cheated. You know? That’s illegal.

Olya: Oh Colin, you little nerd!

[Olya pats on Colin’s back]

Everybody cheats my friend. [Cut to Olya] Even I have cheated on my boyfriend. But I had good reason. The other guy is a real fox.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, what does he do?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: I don’t know. He shoves his little face in the dirt and tries to get in chicken coop. He’s a fox, Colin.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you think about the possibility that the Russian track and field team might be banned from the Summer Olympics in Rio De Janeiro?

Olya: Oh, it’s major bummer, Colin. [Cut to Olya] I wanted to go to Rio, baby! I was gonna lay out on the beach in my brand new three piece bikini.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What’s a three piece bikini?

Olya: Oh, it’s sexiest bikini in all of Russian. It’s shirt, pants and big heavy coat.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I be the guys love that.

Olya: Oh, they do, Colin. Plus, I have the best pickup line. [Cut to Olya] I walk up to a guy, I say, “Did you fall from heaven? If so, please tell me my babies are up there.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, even though you can’t go to Rio, at least you got to come to New York, right?

Olya: Oh, New York is great, Colin. I love walking around learning new English phrases. Like, what is that new phrase everyone in New York is saying? What is it? It’s like, “Oh my god, you haven’t seen Hamilton? You have to see Hamilton. Seriously, go see Hamilton. You have to see Hamilton.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

I hear that everywhere. I don’t know what it is.

Colin Jost: And will you still be in town for thanksgiving?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: Thanks-giva-holsa-giva-what?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Thanksgiving. You know, the day where you sit around with your loved ones and say things you’re thankful for.

Olya: Oh! White people. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, we have a one holiday. Rock day. Everyone gets one big rock to throw at whoever they want. You know what I’m going to do this year with my rock?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What?

Olya: I’m going to throw it straight in the air and stand under and scream, “Take me rock. Bunk me straight.”

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. I think you need to cheer up.

Olya: Maybe you could tell me little joke. I love to laugh.

Colin Jost: You wanna hear a joke?

Olya: Yes. Tell me. Tell me please.

Colin Jost: Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, I got one. Knock, knock.

Olya: [yelling] Ah! The wolves are at the door.

Colin Jost: Olya, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling about Relationships

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: As temperatures drop, single people are trying to lock down relationships to help get them through the winter. Here with his unique take on the subject is the guy that I’ve been seeing around the clubs and colleges, all over the place, veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hi. Michael, so good to be here. I gotta say, you look good… for once. Seriously, I gotta put it all out on table tonight. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] I really do. And you know, people trying to keep me from speaking my mind. But I’m sorry yo! Somebody gotta tell it like it is. I do not get women.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Right? Coz the thing about women is they’re always asking so many questions. You notice this? You seen this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Where you going Bruce? Where you’ve been? What happened to all the stuff in the refrigerator? Pretty soon I start to think am I dating a girl or am I dating a pop quiz?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, thanks for stopping by, Bruce. That was pretty good, man.

Bruce Chandling: And.. and.. the dates these girls wanna go on, it’s like, are you serious? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] It’s always, “Oh, take me to dance club. I love to dance.” But it’s like, yo, face it Michael, guys do not dance!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What?

Bruce Chandling: Ay! The only move we know how to do is the slide… the bowl of chips closer to us and twist… open the chili cheese dip.

Michael Che: So this is what you wanted to say on TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay! Right on, daddio! You see, guys just make sense. With girls it’s always, “Oh, I wanna settle down. Let’s be in a relationship.” Then then when you finally say, “Okay, you’re my girlfriend”, then they go fool around with one of your closest friends? It’s like why can’t they be with just one guy?

[Bruce Chandling looking very sad.]

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che. Michael Che is looking at Bruce Chandling very concerned.]

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, is everything okay?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: What’s the matter? Whenever you try to get a hold of a girl, she’s always “At soccer practice”.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Bruce Chandling: Or if it’s not that, she is too busy planning the senior prank.

Michael Che: Oh! Hold on, dude!

Bruce Chandling: It’s just a thing that all women do these days.

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, it sounds like your girlfriend might be a high school.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] No. [thinking for a long time] Oh, no. Ay, no, coz she looks like a… That makes sense. Guess I was meant to be alone. I mean that’s what I’m best at, right?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: oh, come on Bruce! I’m sure that plenty of women out there that are your own age that would love to be with you.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Maybe right. Only problem is, I do not get… Women!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of phone keyboard with emojis on it at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new keyboard has been introduced that let’s users type in emojis. Or makes your grandmother think she’s gone insane.

[Picture changes to a gavel]

A woman has filed a $one million lawsuit against the feminist publishing house after she claimed she was fired for being too lesbian. Which is the same thing I was told when I got kicked off the high school football team. [Picture changes to an old black and white picture Colin Jost]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caffeinated peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That is jarry. A brand of peanut butter is being sold called Steem which contains more caffeine than a redbull. Perfect for that creep who wants that dog to just go to town down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

[audience laughing hard]

Colin Jost: But you get it. Okay.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a big diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The blue moon diamond which sold at auction for $48 million was bought by a billionaire for his 7 year old daughter which raises the disturbing question, “Did that guy cheat on his daughter?”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: This week students at Yale University marched in protest after the dean sent out an email asking students not to wear racially insensitive costumes.

Michael Che: And then a white professor replied all and defended the right to “Be offensive”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a white and a black mens’ arms.]

Colin Jost: Okay, first of all if you’re white, maybe just don’t go out of your way to jump into a racial debate. Just like in general when people start talking about race, I’m never like, “I’ll go first.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Reply to all’ button of email at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But you literally just did that!

Colin Jost: Never again.

Michael Che: Look, professor, if you’re gonna say something like that, don’t hit ‘Reply all’, alright? Workshop it first. Do what Colin does. Send it to your one black friend with the subject, “Hey, saw this somewhere. Any thought?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of ‘Reply to all’ button of email at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay, you laughed but it’s helpful. Okay? This is how we learn. Okay? That’s why this Halloween I went as white Al Roker.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of written Yale University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I thought you were Dr. Phil.

Colin Jost: Man! My mom worked really hard on that.

Michael Che: Well, your mom stinks. Look, white kids, if you’re not sure whether or not your costume is offensive, just do what black kids do and don’t dress up for Halloween. I mean, you can afford to go to Yale, you can buy your own candy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snooki and Jwoww from Jersey Shore at left top corner.

Colin Jost: Former Jersey Shore stars Snooki and Jwoww have launched a new reality series on YouTube called “Moms With Attitude.” Plans are already in works for a spin off series called “Dads With Custody”.