Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Last week, Donald Trump hosted our show and he seemed fine when he was here. But since then I think he might have snapped. Because on Thursday this happened.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Bing-bing-bong and Dat!

[pulling his belt up and down] It moves this way. It moves that way.

[gesturing as if he’s stabbing] He lunged that knife.

Wah!

Behold!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: For 95 minutes. 95 minutes is a long time to talk. That’s 10 minutes longer than Men in Black 2. Donald Trump also said, “If I become president, we’re all gonna be saying Merry Christmas again.” Oh, I don’t know about that but we’ll definitely be saying “Jesus Christ!” a lot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Jeb Bush said that he would go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler as a baby, a move that would have left Germany in the weak bumbling hands of Adolf’s brother, Jeb Hitler.

[The picture changes to Ben Carson]

In a separate interview, Ben Carson said he would not abort baby Hitler if he had the chance. So basically now, this election is down to which candidate would make the best time travelling baby murderer?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders has received the endorsement of the American Postal Worker’s Union and nothing has ever made more sense than that. I mean Bernie Sanders looks like if the post office became a person. I don’t know. Either they’re endorsing him or they just issued a new stamp honoring Martin Van Buren. [Picture changes to Martin Van Buren and Bernie Sanders both having messy hair.]

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Marco Rubio]

At the republican debate, senator Marco Rubio called for a return to vocational training saying that we need “Less philosophers and more welders.” But I don’t know. I think maybe we need less presidential candidates and more working senators.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Christian groups are complaining that Starbucks is waging a war on Christmas by removing traditional holiday images from cups, which sounds crazy but I checked myself and apparently Starbucks can’t even spell Jesus. [Picture changes to a Starbucks cup with Jesus spelled as ‘Jeezers’.]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle is Trump Supporter

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.

[Drunk uncle slides in]

Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!

Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.

Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.

Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Colin Jost: They don’t what?

Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.

[singing] This is how we do it.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?

Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?

Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.

Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?

Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there!

[Cut to Michael Che looking confused]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?

[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin]

[Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.]

[Cut to Drunk uncle]

Drunk uncle: You were saying?

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.

Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

[singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words]

[Drunk uncle starts sobbing]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!

Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.

Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–

Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.

Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.

Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of industrial smoke and China’s flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new data, China is burning 17% more coal than their government had previously stated. And don’t try to say it was a mistake, China. Coz we know you did the math right.

[Picture changes to baseball players celebrating the win. It reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

This week Colin Jost spent three days in his dressing room crying like a bitch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of baseball players celebrating the win that reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

Colin Jost: Then I found out the Mets lost.

[Picture changes to Ali Khamenei]

Iran supreme leader Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant ‘Death to America’ saying that it does not mean death to America, but instead refers to America’s policies. You know, sort how like the people outside are chanting ‘Dump Trump’ but they really just mean, “What are his ideas on healthcare?”

[Picture changes to a map picture of California and condoms]

California is considering a new law that would fine actors in pornographic movies up to $70,000 if they don’t wear condoms. Said the porn industry, [porn music playing] “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to us if we don’t have the money?”

[Cut to Michael Che. He is looking Colin Jost with shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s book ‘Crippled America’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why do you still think porn has music in it? [Colin Jost laughing] This week, Donald Trump released his new book ‘Crippled America: How to make America great again’. And while some are taking offence at the use of the word ‘Crippled’, I’m more concerned about his used of the word ‘Again’. Like, what years are you talking about specifically, dude? Whenever a rich old white guy start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, all those years of progress, Trump’s gonna really go with, “Nah, I think we had it right the first time.”

[Picture changes to Taco Bell logo]

A Taco Bell executive has been fired after a video was posted of him assaulting an Uber driver. I cannot believe Taco Bell has executives. I thought all their decisions were made by wheel of nonsense words.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

In an attempt to re-vitalize his campaign, Jeb Bush launched a new slogan, ‘Jeb can fix it’. Which is true if the problem being fixed is a treat to another Bush presidency. Jeb has released a new book of emails that he sent to voters while he was a governor of Florida that he is calling ‘Reply All’ and voters are calling ‘Unsubscribe’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and democrat logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Obama criticized republican presidential candidates for complaining about the recent debates saying that if they can’t handle CNBC moderators, they won’t be able to handle Putin and the Chinese. And if you can’t handle Putin and the Chinese, you’re only gonna get two terms as president.

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

While Ben Carson had a real interest in week. First, he said that the Egyptian pyramids were actually built by the biblical Joseph to store grain. Sure, makes sense. Then he had a defense stories about his violent past after CNN couldn’t find anyone to verify them, which is always great when you’re running for president and you have to say, “No, guys. I swear. I really did stab my friend.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yes. Ben Carson, what is going on with you? You are the first black man in American history to turn down an alibi. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson] That would be like if OJ said, “Hey, give me that gun back again, man! I think I can make it fit. Let me try my stabbing hand.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then last night, Dr. Carson lashed out of the media for digging into his past saying, “What’s next? They’re gonna find my kindergarten teacher who said I peed in my pants?” But at this point, Dr. Carson, I think we’re more worried it will turn out you didn’t graduate kindergarten, or you claim to pee your friend’s pants. And then they find your friend and he’s like, “I never had pants.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And now, Ben Carson is complaining that no one ever vetted President Obama like this. Are you serious, dude? Even after Obama was elected president twice, they still made him show ID just to get into the White House.

[Picture changes to a birth certificate]

[whispering] And I’m talking about the guy who is hosting this show.

[Picture changes to ‘Trump Michael Che0Colin Jost6 sign.]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Changing Gender Roles

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study says that 40% of American households have a woman as the primary breadwinner, suggesting that traditional gender roles may be changing. Here with her thought on the subject is our own, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo!

[cheers and applause]

Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, Leslie. Now, do you think that gender roles are changing?

Leslie Jones: Hell, yeah, you tall glass of egg-whites.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Gender roles are changing. Especially men, because y’all man-bitches now. You know those little hair-less boys crammed into skinny jeans texting about their feelings with emojis? Emojis! I don’t want no damn smiley face or no thumbs up, and no man should ever be sending me the word “Yay”. Not even if you on a roller-coaster. This one dude that I was sexed in with, he sent me that little eggplant. And I was like, “That’s racist.” But then my friend told me that eggplant was supposed to be a penis. And I was like, “What penises are you looking at?” Don’t send me vegetables. Send me some real.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay now, so Leslie, you want guys to send you pictures of their junk?

Leslie Jones: You’re damn right I do, you tingly white crisp-strip thing. I just want to have you in all night.

Colin Jost: Oh! Well, right back at you, you delicious chocolate–

Leslie Jones: No, stop!

Colin Jost: No? Okay.

Leslie Jones: It only work when I do it.

Colin Jost: I get that.

Leslie Jones: When I do it, it roll.

Colin Jost: I apologize.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Listen man-bitches. Don’t send me in any pictures of that shaved junk either. I want it to be a mess down there. Not that smooth polished junk like you don’t wanna get a scratch on coz I’m going to scratch it up. I even went to Italy and they was just man-bitches with accents, Colin. I mean, there was this one little dude who started kissing me, but then his drunk friend started puking everywhere. So, my little pies on had to take him home. And that’s what a man-bitch does. You know what I’m saying? Coz a real man leaves his sick friend on the couch and takes me upstairs and put his gladiator into my Colosseum.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: Are you entertained?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was about gender roles.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie on Halloween

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Woodrow… Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.

Michael Che: You mean feet?

Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?

Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.

Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I meant I’m not dressing up at all, Willie. I don’t even like Halloween.

Willie: But aren’t you excited about all the delicious Halloween candies, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Um-um. I can taste them now. Necco wafers, raisins, duck salt’s packets, rubber bands.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s not even candy, dude!

Willie: You know, every Halloween, my daddy would bring me to his favorite pumpkin patch up state. And he’d pick out the biggest, roundest pumpkin there. [Cut to Willie] We’d take it home, wash it. He’d carve a cute little face on to it, dress it up in a cute little wig and a cute little costume, turn it around, carve out a cute little hole in the back…

Michael Che: Oh, come on!

Willie: And then send of off to bed early.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “Your daddy’s drilling those pumpkins Willie. It ain’t natural.”

Michael Che: Dude! These are like, horrible memories.

Willie: Oh, well, you know what I love the most? Haunted houses. [Cut to Willie] Every block has a spooky old place. And in my old neighborhood, it belonged to old man Jeff Dahmer. Boys were always running out of there terrified. And my job was to push them back in.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You worked there, Willie?

Willie: Well, it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world. But work is work. [Cut to Willie] Plus, I always got a free home cooked meal.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

But you know who loved Halloween? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] He was always trying to scare me with his spooky prank whether he be hanging from the door by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the coat rack by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the ceiling fan by his lease licking himself…

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, I get it man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “That’s learned behavior, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, how are you able to stay this positive, despite going through all these horrible things?

Willie: Well, Michael, I’m looking up to have a help of the most accomplished and accredited life coach in the world.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. It costs me every dime I have but it’s worth every cent. Come on out here Woodrow .

[Woodrow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Woodrow: [speaking on the phone] I’ll call you back, Opra. I’m with the client.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie, this guys is not a life coach.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: Yes, I am. I have my degree right here.

[Woodrow puts a deodorant on the table]

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: That’s just deodorant, man!

Willie: Well, now, Michael, let’s be respectful.

Michael Che: I’m just saying.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: No, Willie, he is right. I’m not a big shot life coach and that wasn’t really Opra on the phone. I guess I made it up so you would like me. I’m just a big fat phony.

Willie: Oh! Woodrow, you’re not a phony. You saved my life.

[Woodrow looks at Willie]

Woodrow: Really?

Willie: Yeah. Reminds me of that song that you taught me.

[music playing]

[singing] Little TV sets
going off inside my ears

Woodrow: Spacemen floating by
firecracker here

Willie and Woodrow: Chased the demons lightly
music hits your eye
up and down the sidewalk
take a doo-doo pie
I love you.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie and Woodrow, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Tina Fey on Playboy

Colin Jost

Tina Fey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now, losing nude photos from Playboy is quite a cultural shift for America. Here to comment on that cultural shift, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey]

Tina Fey: Yes, Playboy magazine has announced that they will stop publishing naked photos early next year. Dashing the dreams of many beautiful young women who had hoped to one day move to Los Angeles and then just by changing every single aspect of her appearance, maybe become Miss February, and then work her way up the company ladder until one day she gets invited to have an early bird fake five way with 100 year old sex monster.

But you know what really killed Playboy, Colin? The internet. The internet cut out the middleman. We don’t need an old man anymore to choose which one of us gets to sell picture of our boobs. We can all sell our boobs now. It’s the sharing economy. Okay? It’s Airbnb for crotch shots. I have my own for profit porn site. You ever hear of um, Overstock.com?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Tina Fey]

Colin Jost: Yep. Heard of that.

Tina Fey: Well, that name was taken. [Cut to Tina Fey] So, mine is called www.milf.org. Moms I like to be friends with, and it’s .org Colin coz it’s for your org.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing.]

Now, my porn website [Cut to Tina Fey] is all arm butts. Check this out. [Camera zooms to Tina Fey’s closed elbow]

Yeah, you like that? Give me your credit card number. Get in there, Colin. Get in there.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost puts his finger there]

It’s not gonna hurt.

Colin Jost: I don’t think this is right.

Tina Fey: This is our future, Colin. This is our economic independence. [Cut to Tina Fey] Girls need to learn coding and arm butts. Which isn’t to say that I’m not sentimental about the end of Playboy’s center folds. There’s always a certain amount of nostalgia when you come to the end of an era. And for me personally, it means that my dream of posing for Playboy will never come true. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl. I’ve dreamed of doing all the poses. I was gonna do this one.

[Tina Fey puts one hand on her breast and finger of another hand in her mouth.]

[Tina Fey climbs on the table and poses]

I was gonna do this one in just a half Eagle’s jersey in tube socks.

[Tina Fey raises her one leg and poses]

And I was gonna do this one in a Bella Hay.

Colin Jost:  I don’t know if I know where to look.

Tina Fey:  I think you do, Colin. We gotta get going though coz last time I did this long, a baby came out.

Colin Jost: Tina Fey, everyone!

[Tina Fey gets off the table and runs towards the audience]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid an a handgun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A two year old in South Carilona found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother in the back. Like a coward! Which by the way, this would have never happened if the grandmother also had a gun. Perfect logic.

[Picture changes to space]

Astronomers have discovered a mysterious object orbiting a distant star and speculate that it may be a massive alien super structure. So, that’s it, folks. We’re all dead. We had a good run, didn’t we Jost?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’re not gonna tell a joke?

Michael Che: Ain’t no joke man. The aliens are coming. And when they do, one of two things are gonna happen. Either they’re gonna eat us, or they’re gonna have sex with us. That’s the only reason people travel. It’s just true. Anytime my friends come back from vacation, they tell me two things. What they ate and who they had sex with. And I’m scared. I’m scared that soon earth is gonna be alien Thailand. Where strange alien businessmen make us do weird tricks with pingpong balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

I don’t got the hips for that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Alien businessmen? What are you talking about?

Michael Che: Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m– Listen, I live in a all white neighborhood, okay? I do. And every time I look out of my window, I see white people jogging, all of them. And I’m like, “What are these white people training for?” Now, I know. Y’all trying to leave us.

Colin Jost: I man, yeah. But…

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a city and democrat’s logo at left top corner]

The first democratic presidential debate was held Tuesday evening at Las Vegas. Vegas was the perfect city since the debate featured old white people who keep playing no matter how bad they’re losing. Mike Huckabee was criticized during the debate when he tweeted that he trusts Bernie Sanders with his tax dollars like I trust a North Korean chef with my Labrador. And I just wanna say, I trust Mike Huckabee with a joke like I trust [Picture changes to Jared] Jared with my laptop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll shows that Donald Trump’s lead over Ben Carson has shrunk to only 5%. Voters like Carson because of his inspiring story and his gentle way of speaking. Oh, I get it. They think he’s radio. [Picture changes to a cover poster of the movie ‘Radio’] That’s why they like him.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Remember radio?

Colin Jost: I think so.

Michael Che: So, Donald Trump and Ben Carson are the top two republican candidates despite having zero experience in government at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, we get that Trump and Carson are outsiders and that sounds exciting. But when do you ever really want an outsider? Like, if you need your laptop fixed, you’re not gonna be like, let’s get someone outside the world of computers. Someone who can crack it open and just start ripping out wires.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an audition line.]

Michael Che: The presidency should not be an open call. You know? Like, we can’t find our country’s leader the same way [Picture changes to Nick Cannon in America’s got Talent] Nick Canon finds ventriloquist. And that’s not even fair to Nick Cannon because at least that ventriloquist has experience as a ventriloquist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seal of the President of the United States at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, no more failing up to president. Look at [Picture changes to Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. She got fired from running a company, so she thought, “I know. I’ll be a senator.” Then she lost her senate and she was like, “I hear you loud and clear. President!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, please America. Hold your presidential higher standard than just being over 35 and a citizen.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I am a citizen, I’m almost 35, I should not be president.

Michael Che: True.

Colin Jost: My email address still has a 69 in it. And that’s my work email.

Michael Che: Yeah, you should really do something about that.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oscar Pistorius at right top corner.]

Olympics sprinter Oscar Pistorius known as the blade runner will serve the rest of his five year man slaughter sentence under house arrest. While under house arrest, they will put an electronic monitor on his ankle and then put his ankles on a really high shelf.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of prisoners and a wildfire at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in California are considering a plan to use inmates with violent backgrounds to fight wildfires in the state. California, come for the drought, stay for the burning forest full of murderers.

[Picture changes to Microsoft logo and a chamber]

Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on earth. Well, besides Dodger’s stadium.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of playboy rabbit at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I was taping that. Playboy magazine announced that starting next month, it will no longer feature pictures of naked women. While [Picture changes to Cat Fancy magazine] Cat Fancy is still straight up pussy.

Weekend Update with Solomon

Colin Jost

Solomon… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: One of our researchers from Weekend Update told us that he was a real travel buff. So, this summer we sent him to Venice, Italy to report on the latest travel trends. Here with his report is our new travel correspondent, Solomon.

[Solomon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Solomon: Hey Colin, how you doing, man? Michael Che, nice to see you.

Colin Jost: Welcome Solomon. So, where did you travel this summer?

Solomon: Travel? Ah, man!

Colin Jost: Well, you went to Venice right?

Solomon: Ay, well, yeah. Basically, I mean, yeah, dang! [Cut to Solomon] I ain’t go to Venice. I didn’t go man. Look man, I wanted to go, man, but the thing is it’s hard, okay? I tried to get on a bus to Italy but you know, I had no ticket. You know?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. The bus to Italy?

Solomon: Ah! God damn, is that wrong? Because of the water? Coz of the ocean, you can’t do that? Oh, god damn!

Colin Jost: Solomon, we sent you a plane ticket.

Solomon: Look, my god, damn! [Cut to Solomon] It’s my sister. She gets all my mail. And you know, I lost my mailbox key coz it’s smaller than the other keys. God! Look, I feel bad about that. I get you back, how much was the ticket?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was $3,000.

Solomon: Oh, god dang. I ain’t got that, man! How about $100?

Colin Jost: Fine.

Solomon: God dang. I ain’t got that either man. Look man, I ain’t think you’d say yes.

Colin Jost: Solomon, this is your job.

Solomon: Look man, god dang! Look, you can’t fire me, okay? They about to turn my air off, okay? [Cut to Solomon] Not like, my air conditioning. Just like, all the air in my apartment, man. God damn, I got a gold fish man. He’s my best friend in the whole world. God dang!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s your gold fish’s name?

Solomon: Man, I ain’t got no gold fish. Okay? Look, man, you can’t fire me, okay? They’re about to turn my sound off, man! [Cut to Solomon] Like, I won’t be able to hear stuff anymore. And my sister needs sound, man! Coz, you know, she can’t see so good, on account she’s been reading all my mail. You know what I mean? Plus the kids got the wing worm. I mean, god damn!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, did you say your kids have wing worm?

Solomon: Man, she ain’t got no kids man. And look man, I ain’t got no sister, god dang! Look, I’ll do better next time, alright? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: That’s okay. That’s alright.

Solomon: Look, but you know, could I get my check for next week today?

Colin Jost: Solomon, everyone.

Solomon: God dang, man! Come on, man!