Tag: Colin Jost

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of FDA logo and burnt cigarettes in an ash tray at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has launched a new hip-hop themed anti-smoking campaign aimed at black and Hispanic teenagers because they’re the FDA and they’re here to say they love to condescend in a major way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of written American Apparel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. If you’re not familiar with American Apparel, they’re that company that makes flyers for missing persons.

[Picture changes to a model photograph of American Apparel that looks like a girl who is kidnapped.]

[Picture changes to Justin Bieber’s nude photo. His penis is covered by a maple leaf.]

So, everybody saw Justin Bieber’s penis this week. Also, everyone felt the need to tell me about it. Like, my friend’s mom saw it and she was like, “Hey, it’s not that bad.” That seemed to be a lot of people’s reaction. You know? It wasn’t like tiny enough to be like, “Hah!” But it wasn’t also big enough to be like, “Wow!” Basically, it was n one’s first choice. Which made me think, “Wait, maybe Justin Bieber’s penis should be the new speaker of the house.” Now, I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. The speaker of the house has to appeal to everyone without truly satisfying anyone.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Colin Jost: The only problem is I don’t know if Republicans will go for it because based on the picture, it leans a little too far to the left.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of bras hooked together and written ‘National Breast Cancer Awreness Month’.

Michael Che: How long did you look at that picture? In an effort to draw attention to national breast cancer awareness month in Minestrone, more than te10n,000 bras were hooked together and hung from a crane. Well, I do not wanna know how Minnesota celebrates black history month.

[Picture changes to Swiss flag and an old couple]

A new report says that the best place in the world for retirees is Switzerland while the worst place for retirees is still at the top of the staircase.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now, Weekend Update presents…

Michael Che: The Weekend Update

[Cut to a different ‘The Weekend Update ‘ intro]

Male voice: The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room sitting on a sofa. He looks at the camera, then the person behind the camera and is really confused.]

The Weeknd: Why are you here?

Male voice: This has been The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a crowd and Comic Con logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This weekend, 150,000 people are expected to attend New York’s Comic Con. Or as women refer to it, ‘Reverse Fleet Week’.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Amazon logo]

Amazon has launched a new service called ‘Handmade’ that sells handcrafted items like those sold on Etsy. And to show there were no hard feelings, Etsy sent Amazon a home made gift.

[Picture changes to knit pillow case that has ‘Fuck You’ written on it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E. Cheese’s logo and few drinks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chuck E. Cheese has announced plans to revamp it’s menu and sell more beer and wine. It’s all part of their plan to help loosen up pedophiles.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Republicans this week were left scrambling to find a new speaker of the house after the representative Kevin McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race. And who can’t blame him for not wanting the job? Look, here is a picture of current speaker of the house John Boehner [Picture changes to John Boehner] when he took off as four years ago. And here’s Boehner today. [Picture changes to a rotten pumpkin.]

Now, everyone’s first choice for the job [Picture changes to Paul Ryan] is Paul Ryan but he says he doesn’t want the job. And every other decent republican is too busy running for president. So, now, the GOP is only left with scraps. So, I thought maybe in the spirit of Halloween, they should just stitch those straps together into some kind of Frankein-speaker. [Picture changes to a face made out of different parts of different person’s faces.] And you know what? I think I know just the doctor who’s crazy enough to do it. [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new report, while Ben Carson was a practicing neurosurgeon, he was target of six malpractice suits including one patient who claimed Carson left a sponge in his brain. Which sounds bad, but come on, can we really trust the word of a guy that has a sponge in his brain?

Ben Carson commented on a recent mass shootings saying he never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking away gun rights. Dr. Carson, be honest, was your medically degree given sarcastically? I’m sorry to think you’re a less of a real brain surgeon and more of a [speaking in squeaky sarcastic voice] real brain surgeon. I never thought I’d say this out loud on TV, but please America, pick anybody but the black guy.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Please.

Colin Jost: Now, the issue of gun control has been debated a lot in the news this week.

Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this a lot. I mean, there’s a gun for every man, woman and child in this country. I mean, what are we preparing for? A Rap beef?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Look, I agree that we don’t need that many guns. But this country is obsessed with things that we don’t need. Okay? We don’t need a Baconator. We don’t need a beer that’s a margarita inside a beer. And we definitely don’t need our dogs to wear Halloween costumes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But there has to be limits Colin. I mean it’s just too easy to get one. Look, here’s a list of things that are harder to get than a gun. A driver’s license. A purple belt in karate. Kevin Hart tickets. A GED. Spray paint. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Alright, well here are things that are easier to get than a gun. Herpes.

Michael Che: Alright, why do you say that?

Colin Jost: I didn’t prepare a list. Look, you know how hard it is to limit guns? Think about how hard it was in New York to limit sodas. Bloomberg was like, “Um, maybe just drink soda out of a bucket?” And people were like, “He’s trying to take our soda buckets!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an old letter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Which brings me to my next point, you can’t have whatever you want, alright? I know the forefather said you have the right to own a gun. But they also said you could own people. Which by the way, if I owned a whole field of jacked Africans, I’d probably want a dozen of guns too.

[Cut to Colin Jost being speechless]

Colin Jost: It’s not supposed to cut to me after that.

Michael Che: Oh, no. It is. [Cut to Michael Che] I told them to do that. Look, the constitution– [laughter and applause] I was making a point. The constitution is a lot like our grandfather. He’s wise, we love him and he means well. But, he’s getting really, really old. And every once in a while, he says something crazy and we gotta go to the other room and discuss what we’re gonna do about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And look, as New Yorkers, I don’t think that we should be telling the rest of the country how to deal with guns, okay? I don’t have a gun, you don’t have a gun–

Michael Che: [interrupting] Well…

Colin Jost: Wait, you have a gun?

Michael Che: I mean…

Colin Jost: Why do you have a gun?

Michael Che: I got a lot of sneakers, Colin. I mean, what should I do? I walk home by myself man.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Derek Fisher and Matt Barnes at right top corner.]

It was revealed that New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher was attacked by Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies after Barnes learned that Fisher was dating his estranged wife. So, at least there’s one Kinck who knows how to grab rebound.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of two dead body outlines on the floor at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Thursday, a gang of black people who were allegedly under the influence of narcotics murdered two high ranking community leaders on live television. This according the the FOX News recap of the Wiz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a hoverboard at left top corner.]

Happy ending. [laughing]

Colin Jost: The Cleveland Cavaliers reportedly banned their players from using hoverboards inside the stadium, making it the first time anyone on the Cavs has ever been punished for [Picture changes to a player from Cavaliers playing basketball] travelling. Oh!

[Picture changes to a new born baby]

According to the new list, the most popular baby girl name of the year was Sofia while the least popular baby girl name belonged to little Isis Cosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kylie Jenner dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There’s no way Isis Cosby is white. Kylie Jenner is being insensitive for a photoshoot in which she dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair. But you know what they say, dress for the job you want.

[Picture changes to Kobe Bryant]

Kobe Bryant announced that he will retire from the NBA at the end of this season saying, “My body knows it’s time to say goodbye.” But I don’t know, Kobe. The last time you listen to your body, you had to buy your wife a $4 million apology diamond.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mouse Mingle by Disney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new dating site has been launched called Mouse Mingle that matches people who are both Disney fans. It’s the perfect way for a lonely Cinderella to meet her, at best, Pumba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female signs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that scientists examining scans of human brains could not tell the difference between the male brain and the female brain. In fact, the only way you can tell the male brain from the female brain is that if you look very, very closely, the female brain always be shopping. [laughing]

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Donald Trump and caduceus logo at left top corner.]

Donald Trump said that his doctor will soon release his medical records which Trump says will show that his health is “perfection”. You know, a thing doctor said. “How are my lungs looking, doc?” “They’re unstop-able. Honestly, in my expert medical opinion, you’re gonna live to be 1000.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson and Jordan flag.]

Ben Carson this week toured refugee camps in Jordan and said that the most of the Syrians he met there don’t wanna come to the US. It’s a decision they made after asking Carson, “Where are you from?” Overall, Dr. Carson said he enjoyed his trip to Jordan but said he was disappointed that he didn’t meet Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeb Bush hinted that if nominated, he  would pick a woman as his running mate. But Jebb, you’re supposed to let women off of sinking ships.

[Picture changes to a newspaper article ‘FBI is treating rampage.]

The New York Times ran a front page editorial urging congress to take action following Wednesday shooting in California. But congress already took action because on Thursday, the senate confronted the gun issue head-on by voting to defund planned parenthood. Good job dudes. There have been more mass shootings in the US this year than there had been days in the years. So, how id defunding planned parenthood the priority right now? It would be like, if you called an exterminator and he goes, “Wow, you got a lot of rats in here man. So, the first thing we got to do is defund planned parenthood.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it’s not just congress. On Wednesday, president Obama said that ISIS does not pose an existential threat to America. First of all, you can’t use big words like existential. We’re not in a philosophy class. We’re a country that’s about to be four deep into the Chipmunks franchise. We still think existential is a male enhancement pill they sell at gas stations. [Picture changes to Existential pills]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, for our sake president Obama, never imply that ISIS isn’t a threat. Even if it’s true, don’t jinx it, alright? You sound less like the black president and more like the black guy in a horror movie. “Ay, don’t worry about ISIS. You white kids stay here. I’m gonna go check on that rockets at the basement.”