Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Kwame Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Apprentice star Kwame Jackson spoke out passionately against Donald Trump saying that Trump is filling a swamp full of hate. Adding, “Anyway, [Picture changes to Kwame serving Starbucks] tall latte for Karen?”

[Picture changes to a phone and FBI logo]

It was reported that the FBI paid professional hackers to help unlock the iPhone of San Bernardino shooter. Oh sure, but when I hire hackers to unlock an iPhone, I’m ‘too insecure to be in a relationship’.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of

Michael Che: At a town hall on Friday, John Kasich hold a female college student concerned with rape to avoid parties where there’s a lot of alcohol. Which ironically is the kind of statement that will probably make women avoid his party. [picture changes to republican logo]

[Picture changes to a woman and Monalisa painting]

A woman in New York has become an internet sensation by recreating famous paintings such as the Monalisa on her face. Said her boyfriend, “You are making us late!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

[cheers and applause

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

During this week’s democratic debate Bernie Sanders said he will release his tax returns but said they’re boring because he’s “One of the poorest members of the senate.” So now he’s just bragging about how poor he is. At this point Bernie is just an opposite Trump. [speaking like Donald Trump] “I’m so poor. I got the smallest house. And check out my daughter, she’s 52.” [picture changes to Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders] They really are like cartoon opposites. I mean, Trump’s wife was a model. Bernie’s wife is doing his taxes. Trump spends two hours a day on his hair. Bernie’s barber is the wind. The only way Bernie could be more opposite is if he built a tunnel to Mexico and then made America pay for it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a speech this week, Hillary Clinton called for women to get equal pay saying there’s no discount for being a woman. But on the other hand, [picture changes to a alcohol bar] bars.

[Picture changes to people’s rally in Washington Square Park.]

On Wednesday, several thousand people in New York city met in Washington Square Park for a rally in support of Bernie Sanders and some of them weren’t homeless.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump has received the endorsement of the New York Observer which is published by his son-in-law. Well, Ted Cruz failed to get the endorsement of his family’s Christmas newsletter.

[Picture changes to NFL logo]

A new study was released showing that 40% of retired NFL players have signs of traumatic brain injury. The study was conducted by looking at the suits they wear on TV.

Weekend Update Deenie

Colin Jost

Deenie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The much talked about mini series, the People VS OJ Simpson end of this week, here with a wrap up is somebody’s mom, Deenie.

[Deenie slides in chewing something. She has food in the box she has in her hand.]

Hi Deenie, how are you?

Deenie: I’m sort of warm by my schoop neck. These lights are so hot. I’m sweating like a mouse at a cat show. Yikes! [looking at Colin Jost] Gosh, you look hunky tonight, huh? Wow, you look like, what’s his face? The guy on the show with the girl with the red bob.

Colin Jost: I– Thank you. [Deenie is eating] So, Deenie, do you wanna give us recap on the OJ mini series?

Deenie: Oh, yea, yea. [Cut to Deenie] I didn’t get through all of it yet coz I had to finish my subs first. Boy, are they ever getting good. Oh, man! Are you up to date? [Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost] Coz I don’t wanna spoil anything.

Colin Jost: No. No. I’m all behind.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Okay. So the whole family turned on mustache and he went to jail. And now red head is walking the fall out shelter with mustache’s twin brother no-mustache. But just when they were getting real cozy, it turned into the Nancy in funeral.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This was the soap opera?

Deenie: Yes.

Colin Jost: Okay. And then did you watch OJ?

Deenie: Oh, and then I was about to, [Cut to Deenie] but then I spilled tuna casserole on my freaking clicker. And it kept going through the People VS BJ Simpson. And I couldn’t get out of it.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what happened then?

Deenie: Well, first off, [Cut to Deenie] two tan guy and dead eyes start a real show.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, wait. Hold on. So you just watched a porn?

Deenie: Well, I didn’t have my glasses on. But it sounded like someone was plunging a toilet and getting real fresh.

Colin Jost: Okay. What are you eating by the way? It looks like you’re really enjoying.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Yeah. It’s Brussel’s sprouts and imitation crab.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s good combo.

Deenie: Brussel’s sprouts are a riot. Coz they smell like a fart but they actually tastes like a burp.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a good–

Deenie: You want one?

Colin Jost: Oh, I shouldn’t.

Deenie: You want me to save you one or two of these stink-bumps so you can pop in during the commercial?

Colin Jost: Really cool, but thank you. That’s–

[Deenie puts a piece of her food on the table for Colin Jost]

So tempting but…

[Colin Jost picks the food up with his pen and throws it behind]

Deenie: Yeah, put it away. Save it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’ll save it.

Deenie: It’ll be good later.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Did you ever end up watching– [laughing] Did you ever end up watching OJ by the way?

Deenie: I was doing Thomas Kinkade puzzles of the light house at the same time. But I got the jisp.

Colin Jost: Well do you wanna give us the jisp?

Deenie: Yea, sure, sure. [Cut to Deenie] Okay, so I watch one where show me the money try down to glove the trunk and then curly head got really mad at black Mr. Clean. And then stunk hair from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. kept bringing up the Jews.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I think that was Robert Kardashian. And I think he was saying ‘Juice’.

Deenie: Oh, okay. [Cut to Deenie] Well, all I know is that I figured out who did it in the first five minutes. You’d have to be a dumb ass not to get that one.

Colin Jost: And what show are you gonna watch next?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: I’m starting to watch that one with the dark hair and worry word and crazy hair and the woman who looks at all of them like she wants to hit them with her car.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m gonna guess, Sienfield?

Deenie: No, the Election.

Colin Jost: Oh, the Election. Yea. Deenie, everyone.

[The End]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a license plate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nebraska has canceled plans for a new license plate design of a man from his seeds after it was noted that the image was sexually suggestive. However, the new design of a man husking corn isn’t much better.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of inside the subway and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in New York are searching for a teenage girl who stabbed a 13-year-old boy on the subway after a friend of his called her ugly. So, let this be a lesson, kids. Ugly girls are crazy.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Villanova logo]

Congratulations to Villanova who won the NCAA championship game 77 to 74 beating North Carolina on a three-point shot at the buzzer. You know, I wonder if Charles Barkley had any money on the game.

[Cut to a video clip of Charles Barkley watching game and celebrating at the three-point shot at the buzzer. He is dancing and jumping.]

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

That is clearly the celebration of a man who just found out he gets to keep his thumbs.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Warner Brothers logo and cartoon character Speedy Gonzalez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Warner Brothers is reportedly working on a movie about Speedy Gonzalez. But before you get too excited, it’s called Speedy Gonzalez Vs Batman Vs Superman. So, it’s gonna be bad.

[Picture changes to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton was criticized this week for snapping at Black Lives Matter protestors at a Clinton rally in Philadelphia. And I understand where Bill’s coming from. I mean, he is defending his wife. It doesn’t matter how wrong she is. Coz Bill knows he’s still gonna take his black hands home. And if anybody should support their wife, it’s Bill Clinton. As much as Hillary has put up with, she should be able to fist fight a black baby on BET and Bill better say, “I support that woman.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The owners of an apartment complex in Michigan have all tenants to give DNA samples of their dogs so that they can determine who is not picking up after their pet. And after analyzing the DNA, it turned out the culprit was, well this is weird, OJ Simpson.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of one hand climbing a rock and British flag.]

Michael Che: I don’t believe he did that either. A British woman with only one arm has become a competitive rock climber. She is known for her famous catch phrase, “Help! I’m falling!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: This week, Rob Kardashian got engaged to model Black Chyna. Incidentally, Black Chyna is also what my grandfather calls the movie ‘Rush Hour’.

[The End]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Early today actually, Bernie Sanders won the democratic caucus in Wyoming, his fifth consecutive victory in the primaries. And after winning five in a row, he instinctively shouted, “Bingo!”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

According to the latest gallup pole, 70% of women have unfavorable view of Donald Trump. While the other 30% have no view at all because they were pepper sprayed at one of his rallies.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

While campaigning in New York, Hillary Clinton rode the subway, but it took her five times to swipe her metro card… before realizing that she was actually swiping her Goldman Sachs American Express card. Hillary only rode the subway one stop, though she did make $4 with her break dance crew. [Picture changes to a made up break dance crew of Hillary Clinton]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Bernie Sanders was criticized after he inaccurately said that people riding the New York city subway still use tokens. But in fairness, Bernie actually does still use tokens… in his campaigns! [audience reacting ‘Aw’] Aw? Oh, none of you were there.

[Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in a subway.]

While campaigning in New York, Hillary Clinton rode the subway one stop. Not to be outdone, Ted Cruz dragged the slice of pizza down the step with his teeth. [Picture changes to made up Ted Cruz on floor with a pizza in his mouth]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Ted Cruz, I’d just like to say on behalf of all New Yorkers, please don’t come here. Okay? You don’t like our New York values and we don’t like you. I mean I never thought I’d actually say this to anyone but he doesn’t deserve to eat in our Bubba Gump Shrimp company. Okay? I mean, even the Time Square Elmo was like, “I don’t wanna take a picture with this guy.” And after your weird veil anti-semitic comments about New York values, you went and made a matzo at a Jewish bakery? What are you doing next? Rolling out the first pitch at a lesbian kickball game? We don’t have values in New York. That’s why we all came to New York. To escape weird people with values like you. So please, don’t criticize New York unless you’re a New Yorker. And your’e not a real New Yorker until you’ve walked into your apartment and found a rat masturbating on your couch. Okay? Then you can criticize New York. But not that much because that rat does pay half the rent.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of inside of a subway at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, candidates are not going to appeal to the New Yorkers by choosing to ride the subway. New Yorkers don’t ride the subway because we like to. We ride the subway because we have to. It’s the last place any of us want to be, unless you really to buy batteries, candies or porno at 9 AM. Or you really enjoy hearing a Puerto Rican teenager call a white lady the N word. Or maybe you just wanna stand in a sticky puddle and guess, “Is this urine or snapple?” Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to see the world’s largest penis on the world’s poorest man. Other than that, there’s no reason to enjoy ride in the subway. In fact, the last person I would ever vote for is somebody I met on the subway.

Weekend Update The Drunkest Contestant on the Bachelor

Colin Jost

The contestant… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This Monday is the season finale of the Bachelor. Here to comment is one woman who made quite an impression early on in the season, please welcome the drunkest contestant on the Bachelor.

[The contestant slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The contestant: It’s very nice to meet you. Now, close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[The contestant kisses Colin Jost]

Oh!

The contestant: I wanted to be the only person to kiss you on Update. You wanna know why?

Colin Jost: Why?

The contestant: Coz I felt a connection with you, Colin, ever since I saw an opportunity to be on TV. I’m getting emotional. You think I’m crazy? You do.

Colin Jost: No. No. Not at all. No. I just wanna hear about the finale of the Bachelor.

The contestant: You’re such a good guy. And I knew you were worth it. And I left something really good because I thought maybe it would be something really great.

Colin Jost: And what did you leave?

[Cut to The contestant]

The contestant: Saphora sales and state of Colorado.

[Cut to Colin Jost and The contestant]

You think I’m crazy and I’m not. Look at me. You haven’t made eye contact with me since we kissed. You’ve been like looking at Che and glancing at cue cards the whole time. I’m still here. And I need to see that you respect that.

Colin Jost: I promise you I respect that.

The contestant: I’m so glad you just said that. Because I know that I am great TV– I am a great woman. So, let’s start over. Can I get a second chance kiss?

Colin Jost: No. And if Leslie Jones hears about this, we’re both dead.

The contestant: Oh! I am not here to talk about other women. I’m here so other women can talk about me. And I’m not crazy.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that you’re crazy. I never would say that.

The contestant: I’m not crazy.

Colin Jost: Okay. No one here is saying that.

[The contestant is making angry face at Colin Jost]

You have such a beautiful smile. Look, I’m very sorry–

The contestant: I’m not!

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry that you did not win the Bachelor this season.

The contestant: Oh, don’t be sorry. This isn’t my last reality show. I’ll be on TV again. Coz I’m the wide awake nightmare.

Colin Jost: The drunkest contestant on the Bachelor everyone.

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture changes to map of Amsterdam and handcuffs.]

A gang of drug dealers in Amsterdam were reportedly storing–

[Riblet enters the set]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on! Let’s go.

Michael Che: Reportedly storing 300,000–

[Cut to 1, Michael Che and Riblet]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on, man! Let’s go. I got a bootleg copy of Batman hates Superman.

Michael Che: Dude, yo’re in the shot.

Riblet: Man, I think they got a Honder Hwoman in there. Come on, man!

Michael Che: You’re in the shot. You’re ruining this.

Riblet: Oh, we live right now? We live at five? Yo, introduce me then.

Michael Che: I’m sorry. It’s my friend from high school, Riblet everybody.

[Riblet climbs over the table and sits next to Michael Che]

Riblet: It’s Riblet baby living clean in 2016.

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m in the middle of a live show here, man. I don’t have time to go watch movies with you.

Riblet: What? Man, you never got time for Riblet no more, man! Come on, now.

Michael Che: I got a job.

Riblet: Oh, you a punk man! Get someone to cover your shift. That’s what I did at Friendly’s, never home of the fribble.

Michael Che: Well, this isn’t Friendly’s, Riblet. Okay? This is a good job. You can’t just get anybody to do this job.

Riblet: Phrrr. Please! This jorb ain’t that hord! Come on man, check it. Watch, I’ll do it right now. Ay, yo Don, give me a key on three, baby.

Michael Che: How do you know Don?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of IHOP logo and Mississippi map at right top corner.]

Riblet: A massive sinkhole opened in a parking lot of Mississippi IHOP swallowing more than a dozen cars. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re eating at a Mississippi IHOP, it’s to sink lower.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Oh! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Now hurry up Che. Table four needs a fribble. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know where table four is? It’s a trick question. Table four is a booth. Dang!

Michael Che: That wasn’t a question or a trick, man! Can you please just go? I’m serious.

Riblet: What? I’m serious about watching this movie, man. Lex Luthor got hairs now. And I’m fixing to find out why. Okay? So, let’s keep this train rolling my dude. Ayo Don, break me on someting.

Michael Che: Why are you helping him?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of J.K. Rowling at right top corner.]

Riblet: Some native American groups are upset with the new J.K. Rowling story that they say is disrespectful of their culture. Which you can tell from the title, ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Blankets’. [yelling] Oh! That ain’t even a real book. I photoshorped it. And it ain’t even there, man! It’s ghost news.[The picture disappears]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: You know, there’s a lot more to this job than just reading jokes–

Riblet: [mocking] Oh really? There’s a lot more?

Michael Che: Yeah man, it is.

Riblet: Okay, man. You know what? I stand corrected. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Okay. I guess– I did not. I’m apologizing. I guess you would have to have something like new surprising moves every week.

Michael Che: That’d be nice. It would.

Riblet: Wait a minute. [putting a finger in his ear and listening] I’m getting something. My ear from the booth. Hold on. Oh, it looks like we have a special report. Let’s go live to our man on the street, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in street]

Riblet in street: Thanks Riblet. Good evening. Riblet St. James here reporting live from the Lorry side. The line started forming days ago and it has been a revolving door of random man in and out of this building all weekend long. Whatever they are lining up for, they can’t seem to get enough, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in set]

Riblet: Okay, and where did you say you were, Riblet?

[Cut to split screen]

Riblet in street: Okay, I am currently outside Che’s mama’s house.

Riblet: Damn! Yo, sign him off, Riblet. Do your thing.

Riblet in street: This is Riblet St. James. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Back to you, Riblet.

[Both Riblets do the mic-drop and start dancing.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet in the set]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of map of Maine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A seafood whole-seller in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. And in other news, a woman’s dog has been missing since Halloween. [Picture changes to a dog wearing a lobster costume.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning announced his retirement from football this week. Explained Manning, “I’d rather not get brain damage.”

[Picture changes to MTA bus]

New York’s MTA has unveiled new high-tech city buses that feature USB ports.  As in, “Hey, on the bus today I saw a guy put his penis in the USB port.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dos Equis beer logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The makers of the beer Dos Equis announced that they are retiring their famous most interesting man in the world ad campaign. He will now go back to his original name, “Greg the lying alcoholic”.

[Picture changes to a calendar marking March 2016]

March is women’s history month. So ladies, that cake is not gonna bake itself. Before you ladies get angry and send a bunch of messages about how sexist that joke is, let me just remind you… to finish baking that cake. Colin!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: What? Don’t throw it to me. Happy birthday to Mitt Romney who today turned 69. Which for Mormons is a sin.

[Picture changes to $ sign]

A new study suggest that heavier women get paid less than thinner women. That is unless Che is at the strip club.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brazilian flag and a penguin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And they say black guys don’t tip. A man in Brazil says that a penguin he rescued five years ago swims more than 5000 miles every year just to visit him. That’s how good the sex is.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a rally at right top corner.]

Donald Trump had to cancel a rally in Chicago last night over security concerns. Believe it or not, the most racially divisive candidate showed up to the most violent city in the country and things did not go smoothly. Who would have thought? That when these people try to have a reasonable and productive conversation with this lady, [Picture changes to a lady raising her hand wearing Trump t-shirt in the crowd] somehow they couldn’t find common ground. What did they think was gonna happen? She was gonna lower her Nazi’s salute to say, “Hey, you know, you’re making a good point, Kareem.” Also, can we just talk about how adorable this little old racist lady is? She shouldn’t be at a rally. She should be at home teaching her parrot the N word. And where have I seen her before? She looks– [Picture changes to girl raising her hand emoji] Oh, there she is.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then, after the whole incident at Chicago last night, Trump went to Ohio this morning and did this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: The liberals hate the conservatives. We have got to change our thinking. And yeah, if there’s a group out there, just throw them the hell out.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, he said, “Get the hell out” and then he did a twirl. Like Maury Povich just told him he’s not the father. And then later, Trump ragged that people have been protesting him his entire life as if that’s a normal good thing. Like saying, “Oh, this rash? It has always been there.” Trump is like that guy who says that every single one of his ex girlfriends has been ‘crazy’. I don’t know, man. I think it might be you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, if you’re going to a Trump rally to protest, god bless you coz I’m not. You won’t see me as some goofy Nazi prom getting punched in the face by some strong ass 80 year old racist. Look at this guy. He has been dreaming about punching a black dude since the first time he heard Jazz on the radio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kasich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, John Kasich stressed the importance of legal immigration saying that without it, he’d been running for president of Croatia, where incidentally he’s also Trailing by 30points.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed Donald Trump for president saying he has the vision and energy to win. Because nobody knows more about vision and energy than the guy who looks like he’s just got hit with a tranquilizer dart.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

An analysis of this past weekend’s primary victory shows that Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote. It would have been a dollar but he had a coupon.

Weekend Update The Girl At a Party

The Girl… Cecily Strong

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The primaries have been specially divisive this year. Here with her take is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The Girl slides in]

The Girl: Hi, Michael. Just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be a black history month.

Michael Che: Thanks. So, what do you think about the primaries so far?

The Girl: What do I think about them? [Cut to The Girl] They disgust me. The candidates are truly appalsive. And now Ben Carson’s just pulling out? And we’re supposed to believe that’s the most effective form of birth control? No! It’s like, no wonder everyone has the xenovirus. And it’s like, maybe LeoCaprio is right. Bears!

[Cut to The Girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. So I take it you’re disappointed with the candidates?

The Girl: People need to start paying intention, Michael. When the alarm goes off, stop hitting excuse button. [Cut to The Girl] Coz there are women in Africa right now who have to walk three miles just to see zootopia. And news flash, Michael, [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] you haven’t even asked me if I’m transgendered yet.

[The Girl pulls her phone out of her bag]

Michael Che: Are you transgendered?

The Girl: How dare you ask me that?

[The Girl is making faces on the phone]

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: I just snapchatted you but your face is a tiger and I’m normal.

Michael Che: Cool. So, are you voting democrats or–

The Girl: Why do we have to Libya everything, Michael? [Cut to The Girl] Why can’t there be a black James Bond or white Jackie Chan or we rate Bill Cosby? Coz guess what? If you’re not part of the sudoku, you’re part of the answer. And it’s multiple choice. And you’re none of the above. And P.S., why do we even need super delegates? Why can’t we just talk to superman directly? [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] And I’m asking you, Michael, because hashtag, black guys matter. So, real quick, I’ma sing you all of Hamilton.

[signing] How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore 
And a Scotsman, —

Michael Che: Stop! Please, stop please.

The Girl: Fine, but you could have learned something about history. [looking around] Jasmine! Jasmine!

Michael Che: Was that your friend?

The Girl: No. She’s my Uber driver. I think she’s circling the studio. How many minutes away is that? See.

Michael Che: That’s tetris.

The Girl: Okay, fine. You know what? I wanna give you some thing. This is knife I found at OJ Simpson’s house. Wait, who do you think will play you in a movie?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe Denzel Washington.

The Girl: I would choose a homeless woman so she could work. But I’m sure Denzel would be appreciative too. Wait, real quick. Wrap your hands around my neck like you’re gonna choke me.

Michael Che: No.

The Girl: Alright, fine. Just slap me really hard. It’s about Wall Street.

Michael Che: Just tell us who you’re voting for.

The Girl: Alright fine. Here, hold this.

[The Girl hands her purse to Michael Che]

Oh, look. This man stole my purse. And he’s white. What? Boom! That’s progress. You’re welcome. Now I need that back coz there are some adderall in there.

Michael Che: Girl at a party, everybody.

The Girl: Vaccines are a scam.