Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Caitlyn Jenner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was rumored that former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner was set to appear nude on an upcoming cover of Sports Illustrated. It’s the kind of brave bold choice that makes me think, “I shouldn’t have gotten my grandpa that subscription.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an elephant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This past weekend marked the final appearance of elephants in the Ringling Brothers & Barnum Bailey circus. The elephants will be sent to an animal sanctuary which is a lot nicer than where they send their retired clowns. [Picture changes to a garbage container full of clowns.] That’s why I never met an ex clown.

[Picture changes to Beyonce and Jay-Z]

Insiders are saying that Jay-Z is now working on his own album that is a response to Beyonce’s new album Lemonade. Because the one thing you should always do when your girl is pissed off at you is try to get the last word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul LePage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maine governor Paul LePage who has a reputation for voting a vetoing legislation has named his new dog “Veto”. Sort of like how Hillary Clinton [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] named her new dog ‘Redacted due to ongoing congressional investigation’. Catchy.

[Picture changes to 2016 Rio Olympic logo]

The 2016 Olympic torch arrived this week in Brazil where runners will begin their relay race to Rio wearing the country’s official Olympic uniform. [Picture changes to a person carrying the Olympic torch who is wearing a yellow protective suit.] I mean Brazil, what’s going on? The stadiums aren’t finished. The water is poisoned. Your president just got impeached. And instead of giving out medals, they’re giving out zika virus. I think Brazil has to deal with this whole mess the Brazilian way. Just tear it all out by the roots and start over again, nice and smooth. Maybe just leave a little landing strip so people can fly in and out. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of handcuffs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that the most common names of male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Which is very bad news for famed Mexican porn star, Juan Jeremy.

[The End]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it happened. Donald Trump has secured the republican nomination and no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds less like a headline and more like the ominous beginning of a Star Wars movie. And even though this has been coming for months, everyone still seems shocked. Even Trump said he was surprised. I bet if you told Trump a year ago that he’d be the republican nominee, he would have said, “But I’m a democrat.” And remember, Donald Trump promised that once he got the nomination he was gonna be “So presidential”, which is why the first thing he did on Cinco de Mayo was tweet out a [picture changes to Donald Trump eating taco bowl in his office desk.] photo of himself eating a taco bowl with a caption saying, “I love Hispanics.” First of all, a taco bowl sounds like what Trump would call a group of Mexicans in a hot tub. Also, dude, clean your office. I mean look at you. You’re eating off a stack of newspapers like a world’s richest hamster. And you’re giving a type of weird thumbs up you usually see from a brain damaged boxer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Let’s look around that office. He’s got loose blueprints just lying around like he’s Howard Hughes. He’s got framed photos all of himself stacked three deep and he has not one but two bobbleheads of Donald Trump planking what I can only assume is a tiny Oscar trophy he made for himself for his work in Home Alone II. [Picture changes to a scene from Donald Trump’s part in Home Alone II]

I still can’t believe that republicans let Donald Trump win the nomination fair and square. I mean if there was ever a time to cheat, this would be it. I don’t even know you guys counted votes. All this time, the other republican nominees were selected by a secret society of rich old white dudes playing butt naked leap frog in a sacred temple. And you actually count votes. I feel so lied to. I mean where is that spooky right wing illuminati when you need em’? ReallY?

You know, I’m starting to think you guys aren’t lizard people at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Here’s my prediction, okay? I really think now that Trump has the nomination, he’s gonna become president. Okay? People don’t like to admit it in public, but they secretly really like Trump. Everywhere I go I’m like, “You guys like Trump?” And they’re like, “Boo, no.” And then I’m like, “Are you gonna vote for him?” And they’re like, “Probably.” And yes, a lot of people hate Trump, but don’t forget, a lot of people hate Hillary too. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] No one’s really happy with either of these choices. It’s like if you’re in the mood for soup, so you go to the diner to get some soup. But the only two options they have left are pumpkin corn chowder or Hillary Clinton. And they’re like, “On second thought, I’m not that hungry.”

Weekend Update Willie About Summer

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?

Willie: Summer time, Michael.

Michael Che: No, you’re not.

Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.

Michael Che: What’s the candy van?

Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.

Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.

Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.

Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.

Willie: You know who really loved summer time?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: Happy summer, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update Dilma Rousseff

Colin Jost

Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.

[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.]

[cheers and applause]

Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.

Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.

Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.

Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.

Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff andColin Jost]

Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–

Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.

Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.

Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.

Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.

Colin Jost: Dilma

Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.

Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?

Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.

Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”

[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.

[drums playing]

[Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]

Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

MIchael Che

[Starts with MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Nike Air Jordan at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Nike has announced that it’ll start testing a large scale 3D printer to make Air Jordans. The way it works is that the printer actually makes little Malaysian kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people in line at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A number of airports around the country are trying to reliever the stress caused by long security lines by hiring clowns to entertain travelers. Because nothing puts you at ease like a clown whispering, “Have a safe flight.”

[picture changes to Facebook logo and a mobile phone.]

A man streamed the birth of his son live on Facebook and has been more than 50,000 times. [picture changes to MIchael Che using a computer.] Weirdly all by Che.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and a spa at left top corner.]

MIchael Che: A Burger King in Finland has opened a world’s first fast food store in a spa. So yea, you’re going to fart during that massage.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Thursday was National Hepatitis Testing Day. And good news, I got an A.

[Cut to Colin Jost and MIchael Che]

MIchael Che: Why are you smiling?

Colin Jost: Last year I got a C. Anyway, this is the last episode of the season and there were lots of jokes we wrote this year and some of them were little too harsh to do on air.

MIchael Che: But we decided that since its the end of the year, why don’t we just do some of the, right? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They fire Colin?

Colin Jost: What? [looking around]

MIchael Che: So, here’s the first one.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of a football field and a helmet at right top corner.]

A high school student in Arizona was arrested after it was discovered that he exposed his penis in a football team picture. The yearbook staff knew something was off with the picture when they noticed that there was one extra helmet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Muslim student in a high school in California was upset after the school yearbook falsely printed her name as ISIS. While the yearbook also mistakenly identified their only Asian student as [Picture changes to a picture of an asian student with name ‘Kung Fu Panda’] Kung Fu Panda.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Khloe Kardashian at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband, Lamar Odem. If you want a preview of what the sex tape looks like, just watch Kim sex tape in a funhouse mirror.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of cartoon Lucky Charms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The actor who provided the voice of the Lucky Charms Leprechaun died this week at the age of 93, after his tumor turned out to be [singing] magically malignant.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Indian flag at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: I don’t know what’s wrong with that one. A 70 year old woman in India has given birth to her first child. Doctors described the birth as, “Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Subway logo and Jared Fogle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And finally, former Subway sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty to having sex with minors was sentenced to Colin Jost5 years in prison. And good news for Jared cell mate, Jared has a ton of experience eating the same thing everyday for Colin Jost5 years.

[Cut to MIchael Che.]

MIchael Che: Who do you feel sorry for?

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

The NRA in Friday officially endorsed Donald Trump. I assume because they didn’t do a background check. If they had, they would have seen that when President Obama called for gun control in the wake of the Newtown shooting, Donald Trump tweeted, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “President Obama spoke for me and every American in his remarks in #Newtown Connecticut.” He wrote #Newtown but forgot to write “#MightHaveToCompletelyChangeMyViewsIfIEndUpBeingARepublican”.

Ultimately though, it does make sense that NRA would endorse Trump because Trump himself is kind of like a gun. We think he’s gonna make us feel safe and strong but he might end up accidentally killing us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the speech to the NRA, Trump claimed that Hillary Clinton would abolish the second amendment which is just not true. Look, NRA, nobody is trying to take your guns away from you. We understand how much you need them for the apocalypse and your daughter’s wedding and two fried bacon on. Look, and it’s easy form me to say because I’m from big fancy New York city and I never have to must get a pass him in the face for suffer, but I assure you, nobody is trying to take you precious guns away from you. Except maybe a curious toddler. Which ironically is exactly why Hillary Clinton is trying to prevent this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: We also got a glimpse this week in how Hillary and Trump would each respond in a crisis after the Egypt air flight went down. Hillary said, “Let’s wait and get all the facts.” Trump said, “If anyone doesn’t think it got blown out of the sky, you’re 100% wrong.” Trump was 100% certain. Keep in mind, he was also 100% certain that people would want to buy steaks at the Sharper Image. I’d love to watch an episode of Law and Order with Donald Trump. The first guy walks in, “He did it! 100%.” And I’m like, “Donald, that’s Ice Tea. [Picture changes to rapper Ice Tea] He’s one of the detectives.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

During the interview this week, Donald Trump said that if he becomes president, he would be willing to talk directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Most likely in a thick Korean accent with squinty eyes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to delegate count, Hillary Clinton is fewer than 100 delegates away from her party’s presidential nomination. Which explains Hillary’s new campaign slogan, “Finish Him!!”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows that New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is now at an all time low. Coming in more than 10 points below Bon Jovi playing the new stuff. It’s low. Still at an all time high though, his belt!

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anonymous bidder has paid nearly $140,000 in an auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to shoot Trayvon Martin. And all he has to do to collect the money is meet the anonymous buyer at midnight on the corner of 146th in Malcolm X Boulevard.

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female Character

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study reveals that movies with female leads like Frozen and the Hunger Games still give most of the dialog to the men. Here to talk about it is the one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

Heather: Hey Jost. Good to see you again.

Colin Jost: Yes, welcome back Heather. So, how do you feel about this new study?

Heather: However, you feel I guess. Maybe like this. [Cut to Heather] Maybe like this. “Hmm”. Or maybe like this. “Pfft.” If I get too angry then I’m not sexy anymore. I’m just a nag. And I’m not old enough to play the nag. You have to be 28 for that. I’m somewhere between eighteen and 27. But I date 40 and up. The fatter, the better.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s cool.

Heather: Thanks. That means a lot to me. I needed to hear that today. Just promise me you won’t get too drunk tonight with your crazy friend Bruce.

Colin Jost: Who is Bruce?

Heather: Bruce. You know. As a joke he fed you X and [Cut to Heather] you messed you pants in the sand trap. I was watching from the golf cart doing this. [sigh]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You were?

Heather: Yeah, but it was cut coz the test audience [Cut to Heather] couldn’t tell why I was there or who I was or why I would care or that if it was caring that I was showing on my face. Should I show some side boob now?

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t– You don’t need to do that. No.

Heather: Wow, you sound just like a girl. By the way, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life.

Colin Jost: I- I guess it’s pretty funny. Yeah.

Heather: Wow. I feel like I can really be myself around you. [music playing] Like, go to a baseball game with you and know the nickname of the player. Then I’ll go get hotdogs without any help. And on the way back, I’ll accidentally stick my butt in your friend’s face. Then he’ll get a boner and you’ll accidentally touch it. Then you two will be on the kisscam and I’ll be out of the movie for the next 45 minutes.

Colin Jost: Where do you go?

Heather: Oh, I just turn off. Everything kind of goes black for me. Then I come back to watch you do karaoke. And I surprise you by taking my clothes off in front of you after one shot of tequila. [Cut to Heather] And that’s when they found out cartoon finish that’s also in the movie says, “Nice bush. You don’t see those much anymore.” That’s how you know it’s a comedic part for me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, they may not give you the most line–

Heather: The least. I have the least. And the movie is named after me.

Colin Jost: What’s it called?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Bagging Heather. The fish is really funny. At one point, I sneeze into a Kleenex full of semen but nobody tells me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Oh my god! Heather, that’s–

Heather: It’s okay. In the sequel, it’s like I never existed.

Colin Jost: So, what’s next for you?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I can’t say any more lines or they have to pay me like a man.

[Heather looks at the ceiling and pauses]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think she just turned off. The one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

Weekend Update Animal Annie and Iguana

Colin Jost

Annie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: An Octopus named Inky made a daring escape from an aquarium in New Zealand and experts say Octopuses may be among the smartest animals on earth. Here with more with this is our animal fact expert, Animal Annie.

[Annie slides in]

Annie: Oh. Hi there Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi Annie. Welcome. So what can you tell us about Octopuses?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Well, here’s a fun fact. Octopuses have three hearts. Which is funny because my landlord doesn’t even have one.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Annie: And hey, [Cut to Annie] you ever wonder why flamingos are so pink? It’s because they eat so much shrimp. I guess that’s why I’m the color of a hamburger bun. And did you know that starfish don’t have any brains? Wow! I didn’t realize my ex boyfriend was a star fish. I wonder if they’re liars like him too.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What was the last part?

Annie: Oh well, did you know that when a koala is born, it’s just the size of a jelly bean. [Cut to Annie] And when I was born, I was the size of an Easter ham and then my dad left.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, hey Annie, do you have any fun facts that are more like… fun?

Annie: Oh, yeah. Oh, this one is really fun. [Cut to Annie] Cows poop up to 16 times a day. I’m like, “Only 16? Catch up, cows!”

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, are you okay?

Annie: Who are you? My doctor? [laughing] [Cut to Annie] And Che, you are gonna love this one, okay? Iguanas have two penises. But I wouldn’t know what to do with either one of them, right Daniel?

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who is Daniel?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Also, why would I like that one? I mean, I did. But how would you even know that?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Oh, and hey, did you guys know that oysters can change their gender? Meanwhile, I got cat-fished by a 14-year-old member of ISIS.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, you really seem to know your animal facts but you might want to spend some time figuring out the rest of your life.

Annie: Oh, I have Colin. Okay? I have a new boyfriend and he’s here with me tonight.

[Someone passes Annie a huge Iguana]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow.

Annie: Hi honey. [Cut to Annie] Honey, honey, honey. Oh, honey. Settle honey. [Colin Jost laughing] Oh, yes. This is Mr. Magic. Oh yeah. And a couple of fun facts about him. He is not a liar. Okay? And he never gets mad at me. The most he’ll ever do is be like [looking around]. Yeah, he’s hot. Plus, he does have two penises, right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh yeah, that’s funny.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Animal Annie, everyone.

Annie: Iguana boyfriend!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a snake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Workers in Malaysia discovered a 25 foot long python that is one of the longest snakes captured. Said their boss, “Very cool, but I still need you to find that plane.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Burj Khalifa building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] But do you get it? The builders of the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world are planning to create an even taller building in Dubai with shimmering metal and long golden cables. It will be known as the Wiz Khalifa.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dishwasher at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] So lazy. An inmate in Texas who escaped was recaptured after he was found hiding in his girlfriend’s dishwasher. Said his girlfriend, “Oh, so now you know where the dishwasher is?”