Tag: Jim Carrey

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing] [music playing] [Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody] [music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Geoff’s Halloween Emporium

Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Geoff Davies… Jim Carrey

[Starts with a clip of Geoff’s Halloween Emporium] [Cut to Venessa and Cecily. They are chewing gum.]

Venessa: Halloween’s coming. The spookiest time of the year.

[An animated cartoon bat flies over them]

Cecily: Woah! Bat!

Venessa: Whoa!

Cecily: That’s scary. What’s even scarier are the low, low prices…

Venessa and Cecily: At Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

[lightning effect from the windown]

Venessa and Cecily: [acting scared] Ah!

Venessa: Geoff’s has been leading Halloween super store in the greater Appleton, Wisconsin area since 1997.

Cecily: Geoff’s is owned and operated by Appleton’s very own, Geoff Davies, who made hotlines couple of years ago when me must have rung with an old voodoo book and got himself possessed by a demon.

Venessa: But, even though his body was taken over by the demon Galadriel from hell, he’s still committed to running Wisconsin’s best Halloween super store.

[Geoff stand up behind Venessa and Cecily]

Geoff: [in demonic voice] Did you tell them about the glitter lashes?

Venessa: Yeah! We’re getting there, Geoff.

Cecily: We got glitter lashes, feather lashes.

Venessa: Glow lashes.

Geoff: Please, tell them about the glitter lashes.

Cecily: Geoff! I literally just said glitter lashes. Okay, thanks for paying attention, Geoff.

[Geoff holds Venessa’s mouth and pulls her near]

Geoff: Bear my spine.

Venessa: Geoff. Ew!

Geoff: Bear the dog, princess Kane.

Cecily: Okay, Geoff. Stop being gross. Don’t you have some merch to go mark down?

Venessa: Geez!

[Geoff shows the clipboard. It has the animation of going inside a fiery hole.]

Geoff: This is my home. You guys wanna come over?

Venessa: Okay, Geoff. We know you have access to hell. Big whoop!

Geoff: Do no forget to mention the sexy Hunger Games costumes.

Cecily: Geoff, we’re about to.

Venessa: Yeah, Geoff.

Geoff: [screams] Sexy Hunger Games.

Venessa: We’ve got the biggest selection of sexy Hunger Games costumes you could ask for. Sexy Katniss Everdeen. Sexy her sister.

Cecily: Sexy Woody Harrelson. Sexy Tracker Jacker.

[Geoff starts throwing up blood over Venessa and Cecily]

Venessa: Ew! Geoff. So, don’t walk, drive to Geoff’s Halloween Emporium.

Cecily: And remember our slogan.

Geoff: Your lord will fall to the darkness inside me.

Venessa: Geoff!

Geoff: What? I thought we nailed it.

Carrey Family Reunion

Jim Carrey

Waitress… Leslie Jones

Jay Carrey… Taran Killam

Persey Carrey… Jim Carrey

John Carrey… Beck Bennett

Rita Patt Carrey… Venessa Bayer

Cable Guy… Jay Pharoah

Aunt Kay… Cecily Strong

Cousin Wayne… Bobby Moynihan

Grandpa Lloyd… Jeff Daniels

[Starts with Carrey family reunion in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Here’s your drink Mr. Carrey.

Jim Carrey: Oh, spank you kindly.

Waitress: Enjoy the reunion. You know?

Jim Carrey: Can you really enjoy a reunion?

Waitress: [laughing] You are so crazy, Jim Carrey.

[Jay Carrey walks in]

Jay Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: Jay Carey! Oh, my gosh! Great to see you. When did you grow into a man?

Jay Carrey: Well, I started growing in high school and stopped. Right around here.

Jim Carrey: All righty then!

[cheers and applause]

Jay Carrey: Alrighty then! You remember when I came up with that?

Jim Carrey: I thought I came up with that.

Jay Carrey: [laughing] Agree to disagree. Well, in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and good night.

[Jay Carrey goes to his table. Persey Carrey comes in.]

Jim Carrey: Can I get another drink?

Persey Carrey: Hey, JIm!

Jim Carrey: Persey Carrey. How are you man? I heard you became and incredible skate boarder.

Persey Carrey: I like it a lot. Sounds familiar. But seriously, I am super into skateboarding. I grind rails, I do ollies, because I’m not a Lahoo-zaher!

Jim Carrey: Alrighty then!

Persey Carrey: Alrighty then!

[John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey walk in]

John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey: Jim!

Jim Carrey: John and Rita Patt Carrey. Oh, my god! Did you guys come all the way from Scarborough for this?

John Carrey: We did! It was a hell of a day trying to get this one out of the bed this morning.

Rita Patt Carrey: John, can I talk to you over here for a second please?

[Cut to John Carrey and Rita Patt Carrey. Rita Patt Carrey is speaking like John Carrey and making it seem like her ass is speaking.]

Oh! So, I’m the difficult one?

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Guys! Guys! Please, let’s not fight. The Carreys are kind people. Let’s just all relax, have a beer and watch the game. I think the leads are on.

[Jim Carrey gets the remote but it’s not working.]

Huh! Looks like the cable’s out. Is there anybody who knows how to fix a cable here?

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: I’ll juice you up. Cable Guy!

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Eddie Taurus? Wow, great to see you. I thought people didn’t like the Cable Guy.

[Cut to Cable Guy]

Cable Guy: Well, you know, not at first. People thought I got paid too much. But I’m a real cold classic. Must be nice. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: It is. It is.

[Jay Carrey walks to Jim Carrey]

Oh, Jay! Hey! Good to see you. Is aunt Kay here?

Jay Carrey: Absolutely. She just got out of jail for our son.

[Cut to Aunt Kay]

Aunt Kay: And let me tell ya something, I’m still pretty fired up about it.

[Cut to Jay Carrey and Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. She’s nuts. Speaking of fired up, how’s cousin Wayne? That guy is nuts. Where is he?

Jay Carrey: He’s out back on the deck.

Jim Carrey: What’s he doing?

[Cut to Cousin Wayne. He’s ‘The Mask’ character.]

Cousin Wayne: Smuffin!

[Cousin Wayne walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Wow! You look a little green. You should really quit smoking.

Cousin Wayne: Ooh! [showing a cigarette that’s in his hand] Somebody stop me! It’s party time. P-A-R-T-Why?
Jim Carrey: Because I– you gotta?

Cousin Wayne: Yeah! Because I gotta! That’s pretty much why.

Grandpa Lloyd: Watch yourself there you!

[Grandpa Lloyd walks to Jim Carrey]

Jim Carrey: Grandpa Lloyd. You never look better.

Grandpa Lloyd: Oh, boy! We’re proud of ya Jim boy. You’re probably having a blast with all them Hollywood movies.

Jim Carrey: Yeah, I guess. You know, it’s not all fun. Sometimes, you work with some real jerks. And if there’s a sequel, well, you’re kind of stuck with them.

Grandpa Lloyd: I bet no one’s ever said that about you.

Jim Carrey: Hey!

Grandpa Lloyd: Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world.?

Jim Carrey: I don’t think so.

[Grandpa Lloyd yells at Jim Carrey in his ears]

Okay, everyone. Hey! Gather around here. A group picture. And a toast to the greatest family that anyone could ever have. To the Carreys.

Everybody: To the Carreys.

Jim Carrey: Ready?

[Everyone poses for the picture. Character ‘The Riddler’ joins them]

Everybody: Alrighty then!

[picture snaps]