Tag: Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.] [Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing] [Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing] [Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.] [cheers and applause] [Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor] [Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt] [audience laughing] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly] [Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.] [The End]

Ryan Gosling Monologue on Canadian Christmas

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mike Myers

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m so excited to be here hosting Hat– Saturday Night Live. I can’t even say it. I’m so excited to be back home, New York city. You know? Man, I love this city at Christmas time. It’s just brings back all these great memories of growing up as a kid. You know, you got the tree in Rockefeller center. You got the rockets. Getting the slice of za with my boys. And Brooklyn, what’s up? Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Cecily Strong in the audience]

Cecily Strong: Ya, Ryan, aren’t you actually from Canada?

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Canada? I don’t– where would I get this accent?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, it sounds like you got it from those old Phil Rizzuto ads for the money store. Also, I looked it up and you’re definitely from Cornwall Ontario.

[Cut to Ryan Gosling]

Ryan Gosling: Look, alright, not everybody is a big fan of immigrants right now. You know what I mean. I’m not sure I wanna be shouting it from the rafters.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, well now I’m looking at Google images of you so I stopped listening. [Cecily Strong takes her seat] [Cut to Ryan Gosling] [3 walks in wearing ‘Toronto Maple Leafs’ shirt.]

Mike Myers: It’s okay guys. I’ll take it from here. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. I’ll take it from here.

Ryan Gosling: Mike Myers? Where did you come from?

Mike Myers: I live backstage. Now Ryan, are you ashamed to be Canadian?

Ryan Gosling: Mike, I am very proud to be Canadian, okay? It’s one of the greatest countries in the world. You know? Thank you. It’s just, nobody really wants a dramatic actor from Canada, you know? People don’t really think of Canada that way. They just sort of think of it as America’s hat.

Mike Myers: But we’ve got so much to be proud of. Come on, people! Our hunky new prime minister Trudeau. Hello. The grassy junior high? Sir Justin Bieber. Come on! And you wanna talk Christmas? No one does Christmas better than Canada! Waking up at dawn. Snow up to your nugs. Watching a government funded production of the nutcracker. And of course, [a snowman walks in] Bonhomme De Neige. Right? Bonhomme De Neige. Or, the good man of the snow. Who is a watchful snowman who puts you in a Maple sack and beats you with the lacrosse sticks if you’ve been telling lies. Everyone knows that, right?

[the snowman leaves]

Ryan Gosling: Look, my uncle was town’s Bonhomme De Neige, okay? I’ve been in Bonhomme De Neige’s sack. It was no fun.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. It is not fun. No.

Ryan Gosling: Mike, you’re right. Okay. I shouldn’t have lied. I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: [Acts like he didn’t understand] Sorry?

Ryan Gosling: [in Canadian accent] I’m sorry.

Mike Myers: Oh! Okay. Alrighty! He’s sorry. Well, you know, don’t be sorry.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I am. I am sorry.

Mike Myers: No, no, no, no. Don’t be sorry. It’s Christmas time. How about we sing a Canadian Christmas song, ay? Alright?

[music playing] [singing] From Ottawa to Manitoba

Ryan Gosling and 3: There’s a feeling in the air.

Mike Myers: Oh, sorry. I sang your line.

Ryan Gosling: No, I’m sorry. No, you go ahead. You’re Mike Myers.

Mike Myers: That’s a little true. It’s a little true. Let’s both sing. Come on.

[music playing]

Ryan Gosling and 3: Santa’s coming so don’t you pow
it’s time to break the Mosins out
or club some seals and then we’ll shout
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about

Ryan Gosling: This was written by an Americans, you know? I don’t drink Mosin. I don’t club seals. I don’t say ‘abot’. Do you?

Mike Myers: No! No! I mean, it depends on what you’re talking about. But…

Ryan Gosling: Yeah, I bet you they made you wear that Maple Leaf jerseys too, you know? They think we’re this Cliche.

Mike Myers: Well actually, this is my jersey I wear pretty much everyday. Okay.

Ryan Gosling and 3: Put on your slippers and pass the kipper
it’s the trees three meters high
we’re in heavy sweaters in the freezy weather
if you go outside you’ll die.
Santa please, take the quickest route
if you get stuck, we’ll dig you out
if you get lost, we’ll send a scoot
that’s what Canadian Christmas is about. 

Mike Myers: Hah! Canadian Christmas dance number, go!

[Ryan Gosling and starts tap dancing turn by turn]

Hah!

[cheers and applause]

Let’s move on.

Ryan Gosling and 3: So, kiss the Tabag and cover your nogen with a hat

Mike Myers: You mean a tuke.

Ryan Gosling: That’s right.

Mike Myers: Then we’ll get real and club some seals
and drink mosins till we puke
Everybody!

[Other SNL members are coming in singing]

Everybody: Santa’s coming, there’s no doubt
it’s time to put the presents out
and in the morning, we all shout.
That’s what Canadian Christmas is about.

Ryan Gosling: We have a great show for you tonight. Leon Bridges is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back..

[cheers and applause]

Holiday Party with Santa

Jeena… Venessa Bayer

Doug… Ryan Gosling

Aidy Bryant

David… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a holiday party]

Jeena: Thank you so much for inviting Doug and I to your holiday party.

Doug: Christmas is our favorite time of year but since we’re new to the city, we weren’t sure who we were gonna spend it with. You know? I mean, besides Santa.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, welcome to the neighborhood and thank you so much for this Christmas cookies.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: Uh-uh! Those are for Santa.

[Cut to David]

David: Oh, too bad we’re out of milk. He’s gonna have to settle for bourbon instead. [laughing] [Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Doug: Santa doesn’t drink. He’s got to drive a sleigh.

Jeena: You’re so smart, sweetie.

[Aidy and David are speechless] [Son walks in]

Son: Dad!

David: Hey.

Son: Is Santa coming soon?

David: I’ll tell you what, bud, I’m gonna go up there in couple of minutes and see if he’s ready to come down and talk to the kids.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: What?

Doug: He’s upstairs? [clears throat] Well, we very much would like to meet him.

[Cut to David and Son]

David: Ah!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, anyway, Cindy and I drove up to Yosemite last month.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Oh, gosh, that must have been gorgeous.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena: Um, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is Santa here? Yes or no?

[Cut to David and Son]

David: Ah, I mean yes, he usually makes an appearance.

[Cut to Jeena and Doug]

Jeena:  He’s here, baby.

Doug: I love you so much.

Jeena: I love you so much and he’s here.

[Cut to everybody. Jeena and Doug start kissing.]

Yeah, you mean Santa baby.

Doug: I love you.

[Jeena and Doug start getting intimate]

Aidy: Okay!

[Aidy takes their son away] [Doug walks to David]

Doug: David, now I know you don’t know us very well. We’re just new to this neighborhood. But I promise you we won’t let you down on this. Okay? You can trust us on this.

David: I don’t know what you think is going on here tonight. But, you’re not gonna meet the real Santa.

[Doug looks at Jeena. She is shaking her head no.]

Jeena: No.

Doug: No.

[Jeena slowly lies on the sofa]

Doug: Can’t do that, David. I cannot in good conscience pass on a opportunity to thank that beautiful man for bringing me presents every Christmas until my parents left at a very young age.

[Cut to Jeena. She is now putting her legs over the sofa looking all comfortable.]

Jeena: I wanna meed Rudolf.

[Cut to David]

David: Rudolf isn’t here, Jeena.

[Doug bangs the table with a Christmas umbrella] [Everybody is looking at Doug]

Doug: Then how the [bleep] did Santa get here, David?

David: Guys, just relax.

Doug: David, use your head. I don’t know why you’re doing what you’re doing, David. Do you think that me and my baby aren’t good enough to meet Santa? Is that what you think David?

David: No. No. I don’t. You’re good enough.

Doug: Here’s what we’re gonna do. Everybody’s gonna stay where they are and we’re gonna go upstairs and you’re gonna get that beautiful ancient man and you’re gonna bring him down, okay?

David: I don’t understand what you want me to do.

Doug: [yelling] Go get Santa!

David: Okay! Okay!

Jeena: I’m meeting Santa, baby!

Doug: Whoo!

Jeena: I love you. I love you so much baby.

[Jeena and Doug start getting intimate again] [Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, happy holidays everybody. I have to go, beat the traffic.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: Wow, wow, wow, wow. Sit down. Sit down. Why is everybody so tense? It’s a party. Right? Baby, give me some music.

Jeena: Okay, baby.

[music playing] [Jeena and Doug start dancing on the table] [everybody is looking at Jeena and Doug]

Doug: What happened?

Jeena: I’m scared.

Doug: [whispering] I’m scared too.

[Cut to David walking down the stairs dressed up as Santa.]

David: Ho-ho-ho.

Doug: It is you!

[Doug hugs Santa.]

You look good, bud. You lost weight.

Jeena: Baby, I wanna sit on Santa’s lap.

Doug: Get me a chair!

[Jeena puts a chair before David]

Have a seat buddy.

[David sits down. Jeena sits on David’s lap erotically.]

You tell him what you want for Christmas baby.

Jeena: Okay. [Jeena whispers on David’s ear] Cuisinart.

[Cut to David crying out of fear]

Doug: I want a picture, you guys. Smile.

David: Okay.

[Cut to real Santa peeking from the window. He runs away.]

Doug: Merry Christmas Santa.

David: [low voice] Merry Christmas.

Doug: Say it like you mean it.

[The End]

Close Encounter

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Sharon… Cecily Strong

Ms. Raperdy… Kate McKinnon

Tod… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with NSAs interrogating three citizens]

Aidy: I am agent Loris with the NSA and this is special agent Kerpatrick.  Now we know, you’ve all been through quite an ordeal. So, we appreciate you making a trip to Washington on such short notice.

Bobby: Yes. You three experienced the first verified case of alien abduction. So, naturally you are great interest of United States government.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: It’s nuts, man! I mean, we’re just small town buds who saw a UFO in the woods. I mean, we never hand out with the government.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay, now, after the blue light pulled you into the space craft, what is your next memory?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I came to and saw a beautiful being made of like a beautiful calming light.

Tod: Yea, same here. That being touched my head and I felt every emotion in it’s purest form. It was amazing. I cried, sir.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. And you, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Ms. Raperdy is smoking a cigarette.]

Ms. Raperdy: Wow, what floor were you guys on? I woke up in a dirty middle dome and 40 little gray aliens watch me pee in a steel bowl. And they took the bowl and walked out.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Interesting. Were these beings also bathed in light?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. They were grey with big fat eyes, little mouths. They just stared while I peed. I don’t think I was dealing with the top brass.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: And how did they instruct you to urinate? Was that telepathically?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: Um, no. I woke up, I had to pee like a camel. So, I started peeing and one of the grey aliens slapped the wall and pointed at the bowl. So I got the hint. I kind of duck-walked over the bowl, peed in it.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Yes, I see. Now, when you all awoke, were you clothed?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: I was wrapped in like, a robe, man. Warm, glowing energy.

Tod: Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, it worked different for me. Um, I had the shirt I came in with but my pants were gone. So, my cuckoo was out. It’s full porky pig in a drafty dome.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: Now, did you all stay on the same ship the entire time? Or…?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: Well, you know, my body did but my consciousness was shown what lies beyond time and space. [sobbing] It was so beautiful. I’m sorry, I’m just crying about this thing a little bit.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Okay. Do you need a tissue?

[Cut to Sharon and Tod]

Tod: What? No. Sorry, I’ll use my shirt.

Sharon: Um, the aliens showed my mind the furness of all creation that we would call god.

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy looking at Sharon and Tod]

Ms. Raperdy: What? These fancy cats are seeing god. Meanwhile, I’m starting phase two which is me sitting on a stool while 40 grey aliens take turns gently batting my knockers. Did y’all get the knocker stuff?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod]

Sharon: No.

Tod: No.

Sharon: No knocker stuff. Sorry.

[Cut to Aidy an Bobby] Aidy: And, did you feel threatened, Ms. Raperdy?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No, no, no, no, no. They were real respectful about it. They were in a line and then one by one, they’d step up, slap a knocker, and then go to the end of line and wait for another turn. It didn’t hurt. It was like, I’m sorry, pardon me Sharon. [Cut to Sharon and Ms. Raperdy. Ms. Raperdy starting patting Sharon’s breasts.] It was like that. No harm, no foul.

Sharon: It huts a little. It hurts.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Perhaps they were collecting biological data?

[Cut to Ms. Raperdy]

Ms. Raperdy: No. No. It felt super off the books. I swear to god, there was one grey alien by a door just kind of peeking in and out. I think he was the look-out. Look, it’s one of my worst Wednesday night.

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Bobby: And how did the aliens returned you all to earth?

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Oh, I was carried down gently. [Sharon looks at] He’s crying. I was carried down gently in a cradle of light placed into a soft bed of wallflowers.

Tod: Yeah. Yeah. The light layed me down like a baby in a meadow near my house. I was smiling and weeping tears of joy, sir.

Ms. Raperdy: Alright, now this miss me a little bit. Coz, my grand exit was out of what was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay? I dropped down seven feet on the roof of a long John Silvers. They threw out my pants separately. They missed the roof. My slacks landed on a freaking pine tree, 30 feet away. So, I had to just chill up there with my damn cuckoo hanging till the place open up.

[Cut to Sharon, Ms. Raperdy and Tod. Tod is laughing hard covering his mouth.]

Sharon: Man!

Tod: Man, you got screwed.

Ms. Raperdy: Oh, you think Tod?

[Cut to Aidy and Bobby]

Aidy: Well, we’d like to take you guys for physical examinations now.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Raperdy: Yeah, alright. There’s gonna be a knocker stuff?

Aidy: Possibly. I’m sorry.

Ms. Raperdy: Na-na. Don’t be. Just be gentle. Tell me about god. What’s god deal?

[The End]

Birthday Party

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Tayler… Venessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Meloni… Aidy Bryant

Dad… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with girls having a birthday party]

Cecily: Taylor, this is the best birthday party ever.

Kate: The only way it could be better was if Justin Bieber was performing.

Tayler: My dad actually emailed his people to see if he would, they just wrote back, “No.”

Sasheer: I mean, it’s nice that they responded.

Meloni: Yeah, they’re so nice.

[Dad walks in]

Dad: [mimicking siren sound] Party police. You girls are under arrest for having too much fun.

Tayler: Dad! That’s so lame. Go away.

Dad: No can do, birthday girl. You may be getting older but you’re still my little muffin.

Tayler: Ew, dad! I’m not a muffin.

Dad: Oh, yeah? Then why are you so darn sweet? Alright, you girls have fun. I’ll be right back in giffy pop.

Tayler: Oh, my dad is so embarrassing.

Cecily: Yeah.

Kate: What a jorke!

Sasheer: So bad.

[Cut to Tayler and Meloni]

Meloni: What the fat hell are you talking about? Because that is a full blown beef meat.

Tayler: Ew, Mon, my dad is so old. He was born in like, 1990.

Meloni: Okay. My dad was born in 1936. He sleeps in a medical bed in our living room. So compared to your dad, my dad looks like a stack of hay with eyes.

[Cut to everybody. Dad walks in with a present in his hand.]

Dad: Your dad is back, alright! Back street boys!

Meloni: Oh, hot ham. The hunk is back.

Dad: So, honey, what’s it feel like to finally be a teenager?

[Meloni walks near Dad]

Meloni: Um, I can actually answer that because I’m 13 and half. I’m so old now that my mom lets me shower all by myself. Yeah, coz now she trusts me to wash everywhere but between me and you, most time I just get in there, pee and then get right out. I guess you could say I’m a dirty girl.

[The other girls are looking at her]

Sasheer: You are dirty, Meloni.

Cecily: Our whole class got ringworm coz of you.

Tayler: They had to throw out your desk.

Meloni: Wow, I guess everyone knows how dirty I am. Do you like that, Mr. Doham?

Dad: Actually, no, I do not like that. That’s disgusting. Okay? Do I need to call your mother?

Meloni: No! Please. My mom’s a bitch! She won’t even let me get a new fish just coz I keep killing so many fish. It’s like, what the freak? They don’t even know what’s happening when it’s over.

Dad: Alright, fine, but you need to watch your boundaries. Okay?

Meloni: Oh, yes, Mr. Doham. I promise. I will watch all the boundaries.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Hey, Taylor, look what’s wrapped around my finger. It’s your dad!

Dad: Yeah, I can hear you.

Cecily: Taylor, let’s see your presents.

Meloni: Why don’t you open mine first, Taylor? I think you’re really gonna like it.

[Tayler opens the present]

Tayler: It’s just a single pair of grey men’s underwear.

Meloni: Oh, oops! I guess I got a present for you dad instead. Do you like these, Mr. Doham?

Dad: No, Meloni. No, I don’t. And legally, I can’t accept them. Okay? Why don’t we have some cake, ladies?

Girls: Yes. Cake! Cake! Cake!

Meloni: I honestly love to eat cake.

[Dad brings in the cake]

Dad: Oopsie daisey, I got a little cream here on my finger.

Meloni: Oh. That’s okay, I can take care of that Mr. Doham.

[Meloni hold’s Dad’s finger and tries to suck the cream out of his hand.]

Dad: Morgan! Stop it.

Meloni: No, please.

Dad: Morgan! Morgan!

[Meloni sucks the cake out of Dad’s finger.]

I’m calling your mom

Meloni: What? Why?

Dad: Because you’re a child and you just sucked the hell out of my adult finger.

Meloni: but my mom’s a bitch. She still makes me sit in a car seat and it faces backwards. So, I never know where we’re going. I get so car sick, I have to suck on my own foot to calm down. Do you like that?

Dad: No. I hate that. Okay? I hate it. Now behave or I’m sending you home.

Meloni: Okay, Mr. Doham. I promise. I’ll be good and everything.

[Meloni sits beside Tayler]

Oh, hey Taylor. Is it still Halloween? Coz you’re dad just got tricked and I got a treat.

Dad: Meloni, I can still hear you, okay? And this is Taylor’s day. Taylor, honey, I just wanna say something. Now, we made so many special memories ofyour last 13 years. When I first taught you how to swim.

Meloni: Oh! Yeah, freaking wet!

Dad: Those nights we spent curled up in bed reading.

Meloni: What? Same bed? So jealous.

Dad: You know, you’ve always been my little girl and that’s why I have your name tattoo right above my heart.

[Dad unbuttons his shirt]

Tayler: Ew, dad, don’t show it.

Meloni: Oh, show it! Show it! Show it! Nipple!

[Meloni runs around the room and falls over the cake]

Dad: Alright Meloni! Now, I’m calling your mom. You just destroyed my house and you’re covered in cake.

Meloni: Oh, do you like that?

[The End]