For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 2
14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5
Goodnights
…..Sarah Silverman
Sarah Silverman: Thank you SO much! Thank you to Maroon 5! Thank you to the cast, to Lorne Michaels… to everybody in the world! And, uh… [ she shrugs ] And that’s it.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 2
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 4th, 2014
Sarah Silverman
Maroon 5
None
None
None 60 Minutes
Summary: Steve Kroft (Beck Bennett) grills President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) about White House Secret Service gaffes.
Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.
Montage
Sarah Silverman’s Monologue
Summary: Sarah Silverman seeks praise from a female audience member before taking questions from her younger self in the audience.
Transcript
The Fault in Our Stars 2
Summary: Cancer teen Theodore (Taran Killam) is repulsed to discover he’s entered a relationship with Ebola teen Olive (Sarah Silverman).
Joan Rivers
Summary: Joan Rivers (Sarah Silverman) arrives in Heaven and begins to roast other celebrities.
Recurring Characters: Joan Rivers, Benjamin Franklin, Steve Jobs.
Transcript
Whites
Summary: White dominance won’t last much longer, so let’s all enjoy it while we still can!
Forgotten TV Gems
Summary: A look back at an unsuccessful daytime soap opera that portrayed women as friendly toward one another instead of catty and bitchy.
Maroon 5 performs “Animals”
Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael Che
Summary: Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson). Colin Jost checks with Michael Che to see which black words he can get away with using as a white man. Garage (Kate McKinnon) & Her (Sarah Silverman).
Recurring Characters: Al Sharpton.
Riverboat
Summary: A trio of Tina Turner impersonators (Sasheer Zamata, Cecily Strong, Sarah Silverman) lament their lives as they perform “Proud Mary”.
Car Ride
Summary: Girl’s (Sarah Silverman) confession of overseas infidelity leads to unanounced family turmoil during the ride home from the airport.
Poem
Summary: After (Kyle Mooney) discovers he shares a common interest with Ashley (Sarah Silverman), he’s beat up by her jealous boyfriend (Beck Bennett).
Maroon 5 performs “Maps”
Vitamix
Summary: In an infomercial, (Vanessa Bayer) touts the overpriced blender that her friend (Sarah Silverman) can’t afford.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande
State of the Union
Candy Crowley…..Aidy Bryant
Roger Goodell…..Chris Pratt
Ray Lewis…..Kenan Thompson
Shannon Sharpe…..Jay Pharoah
Candy Crowley: Welcome to State of the Union, I’m Candy Crowley. Tonight, the NFL in crisis. Recent incidents of abuse from Ray Rice and Adrien Peterson have taken a toll on the league. Now, I’ll confess: I don’t know a lot about football. My Sundays are reserved for Candy Time. I read Nora Roberts novels while a crack team of Korean ladies rehabilitate my feet. But even I know that this league is in trouble. Earlier today, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell tried to take control of things with yet another press conference. Take a look.
Roger Goodell: This has been a tough couple of weeks. But in time of troubles you learn who your friends are, so I wanna thank all the people who stood by me. Red Skins owner, Dan Snyder. Michael Vick, and Saints coach Sean Payton for not holding me to the same standard that I held him. I appreciate it.
Candy Crowley: Joining me now are NFL veterans former Raven lineback, Ray Lewis.
Ray Lewis: Let’s talk about this, Candy.
Candy Crowley: And Hall of Fame, Shannon Sharpe.
Shannon Sharpe: Well… thank you, Candy. It is absolutely a pleasure to be here. It really is.
Candy Crowley: Alright. First let’s talk about Adrian Peterson who is under investigation for child abuse. Ray Lewis, you’re a parent. Have you felt you went too far in disciplining your own child?
Ray Lewis: Well, Candy, children need an education. One way for them to receive that is by going to school. You wake up, you feed the child, get the child dressed send them off.
Candy Crowley: Ok, yes, but I’m asking about you. Have you ever used corpral punishment on a child?
Ray Lewis: A child has a book bag, lunch box, brand new clothes, and I provide those things. So, when you’re talking about teaching somebody something, that’s what we’re paying attention to.
Candy Crowley: Yes, but, what I’m asking is, what about you? Have you ever, say, had a legal problem that might have disrupted your time?
Ray Lewis: I know what you’re getting at. And let me perfectly clear. School buses are yellow, or sometimes orange, depending. Bus pulls up, child gets on. Child goes off to school.
Candy Crowley: Ok, Shannon Sharpe, is this a common problem in the NFL? Have you ever had legal troubles yourself with a spouce or child?
Shannon Sharpe: Candy, look, look… I have never had any legal trouble on my own, dating all the way back to 2010 when I did have some legal problem, so yes, yes.
Candy Crowley: Mr. Sharpe, Why is this such an ongoing problem?
Shannon Sharpe: Well, well, well… I believe… Candy, players in the NFL are trained to be aggressive, ok? When you get off that field you’re full of adrenaline, testosterone, painkillers and Budlight Lime. Ok? The NFL needs to calm these players down, you know, maybe have some herbal tea or a soothing light show. The posibilities go to infinity, Candy.
Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s look at another clip from Roger Goodell, who I think announce more steps that the NFL is taking on domestic abuse.
Roger Goodell: We want to be part of the solution, so the NFL is organising its own ”Take Back The Night” march on October 8th. What this says is ”We Fight Women”. Oh, excuse me, “We Fight 4 Women”. We Fight Four Different Women? I… No? Yeah, of course not… I’m so sorry…
Candy Crowley: Whatever Goodell is saying he’s certainly firm about it. Ray Lewis, I’ve just been told you did have some legal trouble when you were arrested in 2000. Is this a systemic problem?
Ray Lewis: Schoolbus pulls up. The child goes inside.
Shannon Sharpe: Candy, Candy, may I say something?
Candy Crowley: Yes, I’m sorry, Mr. Sharpe, Did your bowtie just get bigger?
Shannon Sharpe: Ok, Candy… this is a society-wide issue, ok? NFL can possibly solve it, so I’m looking forward to all being solved by the NFL very soon, yes I am.
Candy Crowley: Alright. Let’s take a break to sort this out but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande
NFL on CBS
Jim Nantz…..Beck Bennett
Phil Simms…..Taran Killam
Derrick Watkins…..Kenan Thompson
Kyle Jeffries…..Bobby Moynihan
Terry Pope…..Jay Pharoah
Victor Naples…..Chris Pratt
Calvin Williams…..Kyle Mooney
Marvin Ingram…..Michael Che
Willie Sampson…..Pete Davidson
Jeffrie Wilkins…..Chris Pratt
Terrence White…..Kenan Thompson
Lavar Washington…..Jay Pharoah
Tim Stevens…..Colin Jost
Jacob Reynolds…..Jay Pharoah
Donald Washburn…..Chris Pratt
Wendell Jones…..Pete Davidson
Devin Peters…..Kenan Thompson
Bart Doleman…..Chris Pratt
Barry Jenkins…..Kyle Mooney
Greg Watkins…..Kyle Mooney
Abaskuul Solemon…..Jay Pharoah
Kendrick Douglas…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas…..Leslie Jones
Melvin McDonald…..Chris Pratt
[ open on “NFL on CBS” graphics ]
[ dissolve to booth ]
Jim Nantz: Hello, and welcome to “The NFL on CBS”! I’m Jim Nantz, and with me in the booth is Phil Simms!
Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim!
Jim Nantz: Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous SCRUTINY right now, with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.
Phil Simms: Well, they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.
Jim Nantz: Accountability! That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.
[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]
Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. ASSAULT!
Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Manslaughter!
Terry Pope: Terry Pope. I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue!
Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch o’ stuff!
Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Loitering with an attempt to murder!
Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of assault at THE Ohio State University!
Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason!
Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution!
Terrence White: Terrence White! I OD’d on penis pills!
Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman — That’s FEDERAL, baby!
Tim Stevens: And I’m the punter. Tax fraud!
[ return to the booth ]
Jim Nantz: Wow… Certainly a different line than we’re used to seeing.
Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams do look significantly different than they did last week.
Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.
Phil Simms: I noticed that as well!
Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they’ve received for their offenses?
Phil Simms: Uh, no… we’re not gonna… [ he shushes Jim ]
Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense!
[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]
Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club!
Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American Taliban!
Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine!
Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford!
Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nuthin’ yet… but I’m gonna!
Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship!
Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was on that cruise, too — it was pretty fun!
Abaskuul Solemon: Abaskuul Solemon. Somali pirate!
Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife! I hit his ass BACK!!
Melvin McDonald: And I’m Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers!
[ return to the booth ]
Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see, it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.
Phil Simms: So let’s get you straight to the field for kickoff, and we’ll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.
Jim Nantz: This is the “NFL on CBS”!
[ dissolve to graphics ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
14a: Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande
Goodnights
…..Chris Pratt
Chris Pratt: Thank you!… to Ariana Grande. The Weekend. My lovely, darling wife Anna. The cast, the crew, my friends, my family watching. To everybody. Thank you! Thank you!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
September 27th, 2014
Chris Pratt
Arianna Grande
None
Anna Faris
The Weekend
None State of the UnionSummary: Candy Crowley (Aidy Bryant) discusses the NFL’s recent troubles with Ray Lewis (Kenan Thompson) and Shannon Sharpe (Jay Pharoah).
Recurring Characters: Candy Crowley, Shannon Sharpe.
Transcript
Montage
Chris Pratt’s Monologue
Summary: Chris Pratt sings a song about how great it is to host “Saturday Night Live”.
Cialis Turnt
Summary: Man (Taran Killam) uses extra-strength erection pill to ensure he has a stylin’ boner.
Toys
Summary: On his birthday, a lonely boy’s (Kyle Money) wish for his He-Man (Chris Pratt) and Lion-O (Taran Killam) toys to come alive backfires when they’d rather fondle one another and hit on his mom (Aidy Bryant).
Animal Hospital
Summary: Nurses (Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Chris Pratt) at veterinarian’s office alert customers that their pets have died.
Marvel
Summary: New line of Marvel films are made with no original thought and guaranteed to attract audiences everywhere.
Ariana Grande performs “Break Free”
Weekend Update with Colin Jost & Michael Che
Summary: Girl (Cecily Strong). Leslie Jones comments on being a single black woman in today’s world. Pete Davidson comments on the business sensibility in going down on a guy. Colin Jost and Michael Che advise President Barack Obama to cheer up by delivering sensible advice.
Recurring Characters: Girl.
Booty Rap
Summary: At a bar, (Aidy Bryant) hits on (Chris Pratt) by rapping about her big fat ass.
Bad Boys
Summary: In a spoof of 90’s sitcoms, (Chris Pratt) falls in with a group of young bad boys, nearly alienating himself from his roommates (Beck Bennett, Kyle Mooney).
NFL On CBSSummary: Members of the Baltimore Ravens and the Carolina Panthers introduce themselves and list their recent crimes.
Transcript
Ariana Grande and The Weekend perform “Love Me Harder”
Puzzle World 6
Summary: Man (Chris Pratt) and woman (Vanessa Bayer) from Puzzle World make out every time their test users complete a puzzle piece.
GoodnightsTranscript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: 2013-2014
Starring:
Writers:
Episodes
Summary
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
The Vogelchecks
Matt…..Taran Killam
Kevin Vogelcheck…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck….Fred Armisen
Dwayne Vogelcheck…..Bill Hader
Austin Vogelcheck…..Paul Rudd
Great Grandma Vogelcheck…..Kate McKinnon
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph
[ open as Kevin and Matt enter the Vogelcheck living room ]
Matt: I got to admit, I’m a little nervous meeting my boyfriend’s parents and all.
Kevin Vogelcheck: Oh don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. When you in the Vogelcheck house, you’re family.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ken Is that you? Oh great! My little boy’s become a man. My little boy is a man. We were so worried about you because of the weather, wasn’t sure about plane but I can’t believe your here. (kissing)
Mr. Vogelcheck: Oh I know that voice. (applause) Look at you muscle man, huh? Hey are you lifting weights? What’d they do to you, huh, huh, huh. So proud of you so proud of you. So proud of you, so proud of you. And I love you.
Kevin Vogelcheck: Mom, pop this is my boyfriend Matt.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Matt, we are so proud to have you here.
Mr. Vogelcheck: Matt no need to be shy around us we do not bite. Your mom does though.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Will you tell your dad to stop teasing me?
Matt: Wow, your parents are really..
Kevin Vogelcheck: Affectionate. Yeah I know.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Alright come on kids have a seat. We’re just in the middle of watching the NFL Draft.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey is that Tweedle Dum down there?
Kevin Vogelcheck: Big brother Dwayne, always busting my chops.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey I heard the nerd parade was in town but I didn’t know they were coming up our streets.
Mr. Vogelcheck: Duane, come on.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey, I’m just givin em a good time come on. Hey wet willie.
Kevin Vogelcheck: No!
(Dwayne slobbers all over Kevin)
Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey pick on someone your own size. Get over here.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey.
(they all kiss)
Austin Vogelcheck: Oh well well. If it isn’t Jones Master General.
Kevin Vogelcheck: That’s my other brother Austin.
Austin Vogelcheck: Wait a minute, you bozos have been out here all this time and you haven’t said hello to your great grandma Vogelcheck.
Great Grandma Vogelcheck: It is so good to see you all. (kissing)
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Okay everyone be quiet. The NFL Draft is back from commercial.
Austin Vogelcheck: Ooh! ooh! I’m so excited. (he kisses Kevin)
Mr. Vogelcheck: Me too! (je kisses Austin)
Kevin Vogelcheck: Ooh! Turn the volume up.
Announcer: The St. Louis Rams select Michael Sam. We now take you live to his agent’s house where he’s celebrating with his boyfriend.
Mr. Vogelcheck: Wow is he kissing his boyfriend?
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Seems like a lot for TV. (he snuggles in Mrs. Vogelcheck’s breasts)
Austin Vogelcheck: (snuggling Mr. Vogelcheck’s neck) Yeah I mean people are watching this with their families. (he licks his neck)
Matt: Um, excuse me everyone I’m sorry I have to say something. I didn’t speak up when you all made out as a family and I think you’re being a little close minded about a happy couple celebrating on television who just happened to be gay.
Kevin Vogelcheck: Matt!
Mr. Vogelcheck: No, no, no, no. Matt’s right. Sometimes we get so caught up in loving our own family we forget about… loving everyone in the world.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: That’s right.
Mr. Vogelcheck: And that’s important.
Dwayne Vogelcheck: Totally important.
Mr. Vogelcheck: I guess this kinda, I don’t know, makes all a bunch of little, kinda, I don’t know. Vogelchecks. Just don’t let grandma see, okay? She’s a little old fashioned.
Great Grandma Vogelcheck: What is this on TV? Oh God, oh no. Oh, no.
Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh, no! Grandma’s having a heart attack! Quick! Get her nurse! Get her nurse!
[ Nurse rushes in ]
Nurse: What?! Oh my heavens! Oh, Mrs. Vogelcheck! I can save her! (kisses her, then grabs her breasts) One, two, three, four… I need more air!
Austin Vogelcheck: Take mine!
(they pass mouth-to-mouth to one another until it reaches Grandma)
Great Grandma Vogelcheck: I’m alright!
Matt: Now, now that’s what I call a touch down!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Legolas from ‘The Hobbit’ Tries to Order at Taco Bell
Legolas…..Andy Samberg
Employee…..Jay Pharoah
Gimli…..Bobby Moynihan
Announcer: And now, Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.
Legolas: I have no memory of this place. Good Day!
Employee: Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order, please?
Legolas: A red sun rises. Blood has been spilled this night.
Employee: No man. It’s just sauce over there.
Legolas: I’ll take two beef chalupas.
Employee: Two beef chalupas for this hippie lady.
Legolas: You have my thanks. But I cannot linger. How’s the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco? Is that good? I keep hearing about it.
Gimli: Just save some for me!
Legolas: Gimli, you’ve returned!
Gimli: That’s right old friend. Hi, I’ll have a cheesy chicken burrito as well as, one of everything else on the menu, please. Ha, ha, ha! Funny! I thought I would never dine with an elf.
Legolas: Then how about dining with a friend?
Gimli: Aye! That I can do. Ha ha ha!
Employee: (looking at the camera) White people.
Announcer: This has been Legolas from The Hobbit tries to order at Taco Bell.
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
An SNL Digital Short
…..Andy Samberg
…..Pharrell Williams
Whore…..Maya Rudolph
[ open as Andy Samberg’s cellphone rings ]
Andy Samberg: Hello?
Girl: Hi! This is Bridget. Should I come over later?
Andy Samberg: I’m sorry, I don’t know a Bridget.
Bridget: Well, that’s not what you said when you hugged me last night.
Andy Samberg: You think we’re an item just because I gave you a hug? Trick! You better think again.
Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“We are not gentlemen!
Yo! I’ll hug a girl like it don’t mean nothin’
Then turn around and start huggin’ her cousin
I don’t love ’em, end of the fuckin’ discussion
Got ’em tucked between my wings like Thanksgiving stuffing
She wanna hug from behind – I did it
Then her friend jump in; I’m wit’ it
I hug ’em tighter than a tube top;
After that, it’s just a matter of time
Before the other shoe drop.
I get more hugs than Oprah selling drugs
And the drug was pure X – no marriage, no sex.
Just hugs.”
Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“Don’t get mad, girl. We get mad girls
And we’re hugging all over the world
So don’t catch feelings, it ain’t love
We’re just the kings of giving out hugs
And if you wanna settle down, you know you got us all wrong
So we move to the next one, no disrespect, hon
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.”
Lonely Island: [ rapping ]
“You can’t hug a rolling stone cause it’ll crush you
Begging me to hug you again? That’s when I shush you
On an airplane, at a Knick game
Feel the same damn thing when I hug them
Which is nothing
Can’t trust them, lose all respect when I hug them
Now guess who’s back in the motherfucking house
With a fat hug for your sweater and your blouse
Hugged so many ladies, arms shaky and shit
Because I’m the Wilt Chamberlain of the upper-body grip.
(HUGS!)
Cause I get more hugs than a batch of puppy pugs
Sitting on a fluffy rug, getting tickled touched and rubbed
(OH SHIT!)
Real talk, like you chatting with a fisherman
Wrap these chicks up like a motherfucking swisher, man!”
Pharrell Williams: [ singing ]
“This ain’t love girl, because this hug world
Is just a big Game of Thrones
We be king of the castle, got arms like a lasso.
But you can’t hug a rolling stone.
I been hugging on your mama
Especially when your daddy’s gone
Wearing his pajamas
I know you thinking that is wrong
I don’t care what son does
I’m concentrating on her back
I just wanna hug your mama in her Subaru hatchback.
Put her in a figure-4, yes I’m a hug gigolo
Now she tells her tupperware friends to let their sisters know…”
Lonely Island:
“…that I give more hugs than Atlas had shrugs
(Rest my head on her shoulder)
While your man mean mugs.”
Pharrell Williams:
“We had fun, girl. But don’t get sprung, girl
Just because I hugged you raw
We can do a group thing, bring Sarah and Susan
And we can have a hug-a-trois.
So quit trying to own my hugs
I gave you these arms on loan
So come give me a hug
The waistline and above
When push comes to shove
You can’t hug a rolling stone.”
Whore: Purex! Purex for sale!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez