New Paint

Beth… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

Johnny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of outside of house] [Cut to inside the house.
[Beth is bringing snacks for Tom and Kristen]

Beth: Now this cheese is a Roquefort and a little bit of jam.

Tom: Yum, thanks sis. We’ve been so busy with the baby. it’s been forever since we’ve been here.

Kristen: Beth, your living room looks amazing. You painted.

Beth: I did.

Tom: Is it Benjamin Moore?

Beth: Benjamin Moore? [Cut to Beth] Baby brother, in this house I only use Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to everyone]

Kristen: Farrow&Ball, I don’t know that.

Beth: Oh, well you should. [Cut to Beth] It’s the high end British paint company that offers unparalleled depth in colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, nice.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Each of their 132 colours colors work beautifully in new homes, both old and new.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: It sounds like you’re saying the word color but with the “U” in it.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, I am. That colour on the baseboard there is named after the fossils often found on the Dorset coast. And the wall colour, well that’s “Nobel blue” named after the Swirling British mists. What a colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Maybe we should try Farrow&Ball.

Tom: yeah, maybe we should. Is it expensive?

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Well, it’s premium. I mean you’re paying for quality.

Tom: Yeah, but how much is it, like $50 a gallon?

Kristen: No, that’s crazy, it’s just paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: This is not just paint. It’s Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Well, how much is it, Beth? $60?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: It’s $110 a gallon.

[Cut to everybody]

Tom: What! $110 for a can of paint, are you insane?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No, I’m not insane.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: How much did it cost to paint this room, $800?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you have to have the special primer, the brushes, and the factor in the shipping and the labour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: They ship the paint? How much is that?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you can’t just buy it anywhere. Look at the depth of colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: You can’t afford this, Charlotte. You are an out of work day bartender.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Wrong, I’m an aspiring estate manager.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: What is an estate manager?

Tom: She thinks she’s going to find a rich person and just live in their house. You are living in a dream world and you’ve painted it in that Jack Ass million dollar paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Don’t touch it! You’ll ruin it.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: You can’t touch the paint?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No. The finish is delicate. Once it’s touched, it must be redone.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Do you have any of the money mom left you?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No.

Tom: No?

Beth: I don’t mean no. I mean I don’t know.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Don’t you rent this house?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: So? What does that mean?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: It means you going to have to paint it back whatever colour– Now I’m saying it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Everyone just calm down.

Beth: He just wants me to live in Squalour.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Can you guys all keep it down a little? I’m trying to sleep a little.

Tom: Who is this?

Beth: This is my friend.

Johnny: Johnny.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you sleeping with him?

[Cut to Beth and Johnny]

Beth: Of course. We met on Facebook marketplace.

Johnny: Just a little quiet, you guys.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god. What is your life?

Kristen: Beth, we’re not mad, just a little worried about you.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Oh, don’t you effing judge me right now.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, I know we haven’t always gotten along, but we haven’t been around much because of the baby.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: The baby’s not even his.

Tom: What?

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, that’s not what we’re talking about right now, we’re talking about Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: I’m not talking about Farrow&Ball anymore. I’m talking about how that baby has your trainer’s eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you drunk?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Yes! I was good for the first couple of minute buy yes, I am drunk. Now tell him.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Beth!

Beth: Tell him. Look in his eyes, Tom.

Kristen: No, no, he’s sleeping, don’t look at his eyes.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Look at the colour of his eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Kristen: You’re dead.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Oh, you want to go, let’s go. Just don’t bump into the paint or you’ll ruin it.

[Beth and Kristen start fighting]

Tom: Go for it, Beth.

Female voice: Farrow&Ball, each colour tells a story.

Duolingo for Talking to Children

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Stewart

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video of a in house get together. Aidy is introducing her son to her friends]

Aidy: These are mommy’s co-workers. [Cut to Kenan, Kristen and Alex] Can you say hi?

Kenan: What’s up, buddy, you’re looking fresh.

[Cut to the boy laughing] [Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, you look nice.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: All right. Give me high five, buddy. [Alex and the boy gives high-five to each other] Ow, too strong.

Kenan: I bet you played football, right? [The boy nods his head]

Kristen: Yeah, and you go to school. That sucks.

[Cut to Aidy confused] [Cut to Kristen]

Do you wear your clothes to school?

[The boy is scared of Kristen] [Aidy takes her son away] [Cut to Kristen]

Female voice: You have no idea how to talk to children?

[Kristen shakes her head ‘No’]

Does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t?

[Kristen nods her head ‘Yes’]

It’s never too late to learn.

[Cut to iPad with an app “Duolingo”]

With the new duolingo for talking to children. The first app for grown people who need to learn how to talk to kids because their friends are starting to have them. Practice just five minutes a day and you’ll be a brat whisperer in no time.

[Cut to Kristen practicing in a cafe]

Kristen: Very cool, bud. Very cool, bud. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. I like your backpack.

Female voice: The one thing you know about talking to kids is you’re not allowed to call girls pretty but then it’s like, “What do you say?”

[Cut to a woman brings her daughter to Kristen in her office]

Kristen: You look not pretty. I mean, you’re smart. I mean, you’re an engineer one day.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you okay?

Kristen: I got this. [Cut to Kristen. She opens the app.] Just one second, sorry. Cool backpack!

[Cut to the girl smiling]

Female voice: Get a better sense of kids. Get a better sense of kids’ ages.

Voice from app: Identify the 12-year-old. Correct!

Female voice: Practice traditional greeting.

Voice from app: I got your nose!

Female voice: Build your stamina for long, meandering, pointless stories.

[Cut to Kristen and a girl speaking]

The girl: I really like the pizza they have too.

[Kristen looks at the app]

Kristen: Cool!

Female voice: In as little as six weeks you’ll be ready for all kinds of kinder conversations like friends new baby, the bus, dance recitals, child falls on sidewalk in front of you, public restaurants, airport gates, hot tub at vacation resorts, and child wearing big pink dress. Let’s face it. Kids are bad conversationalists. But you don’t have to be.

[Cut back to Aidy’s house with colleagues]

Kristen: So, I bet you like chicken fingers.

[Aidy’s son nods his head ‘Yes’]

[Cut to Kyle walking to the boy]

Kyle: Hey, high five.

[Kyle puts his palm near the boy’s face]

Too slow.

[Kyle is upset he can’t impress the boy] [Cut to Kristen showing Kyle her app]

Female voice: Duo lingo for talking to kids, also available in–

Cut for Time Open Mic

Dia… Bowen Yang

Jessica Coke-Brothers… Heidi Gardner

Chastity… Kate McKinnon

Prudence… Kristen Stewart

Rachel Thompson… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnny Butter… Kyle Mooney

Missil… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a bar “Moon Jumps the Cow”] [Cut to Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers on stage]

Dia: Hello, Silver Lake. it’s open mic Night here at Moon Jumps the Cow, the Los Angeles performance space and laptop garden. I’m Dia, and this is Jessica Coke-Brothers.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: My mom is the Coke, and my dad is a Wayans Brother. Get ready to see some performances from the stars of tomorrow and the Lyft drivers of today.

Dia: Mm-hmm. I’d like to exercise my brave and start with a song I wrote about something I really fear. Hit it, Jessica.

[Music playing]

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ It’s just around the bend ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be 30 ♪

♪ Turning 30 ♪

♪ Why does it have to end? ♪

♪ Soon, I’ll be 29 ♪

♪ And then I’ll be dead ♪

Thank you. Thank you. Powerful. Powerful.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: You’re saying that about yourself?

Dia: Yes. Next up is sister duo Chastity and Prudence.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Chastity: Alright. Yeah, we just moved here from Persecution, Pennsylvania.

Prudence: We grew up on a farm, where our “dad” convinced us it was the 1800s.

Chastity: But I guess, here, you call that a cult. Now Ryan Murphy owns our life story.

Prudence: This song is about our past.

[ Rock music playing ]

Both: ♪ Something bad happened, and now we’re famous ♪

♪ Something bad happened, so we moved to L.A. ♪

♪ Told us airplanes were angels ♪

♪ The fence is the boundary ♪

♪ Don’t touch the fence ♪

♪ Or you’ll turn gay ♪

♪ Tune in to “The Fence” every Sunday ♪

On FX, FFX, and FXNOW.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.][Chastity and Prudence walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Alright! Great! Yeah, so, that happened. Anything you would like to plug?

Prudence: Oh, yeah. Actually, we manage a bunch of sketchy Airbnb properties here if you’re ever looking to feel unsafe in the loneliest city in the world.

Dia: Wow. [Chastity and Prudence walk out] Okay, I will check that out. Looks like Rachel Thompson is next.

[Rachael Thompson walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Rachael Thompson: I go by Reyna-De-La-Casa now. More castable. I had a bad year. I mean, really bad. My grandma’s friend died. This is a song I wrote about that, called “My 9/11.”

♪ Oh, Betty ♪

♪ With candy in your purse ♪

♪ You’re dead ♪

♪ But I’m sad ♪

♪ Tell me which is worse ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪Betty, I made your death about me.

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Epic, Reyna. Have you booked any gigs lately?

Rachael Thompson: Actually, I am making my TV debut next week.

Dia: Amazing.

Rachael Thompson: Me and my dumb mom are going to be on “Dr. Phil.”

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Wow! Do you have any lines?

Rachael Thompson: No, but I kick her really hard.

Dia: Okay, cool. [Rachael Thompson leaves the stage] His bio says he’s got John Mayer’s face and Carrot Top’s “gutters.” It’s Johnny Butter.

[Johnny Butter walks in][Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out.]

Johnny Butter: Oh, man, I can’t believe this song was just my dumb little idea two years ago. Oh, what the hell.

[Johnny Butters starts playing guitar]

♪ These days, everything is so messed up ♪

♪ So let’s get together ♪

♪ And do it like in porn ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Okay.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: I’m going to stop you ’cause you’re hot. So you don’t have to try.

Dia: Johnny, who are your influences?

Johnny Butter: Well, black-and-white photography, for sure, and staying in and watching Pixar stuff. I guess I’m weird like that.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Yeah. That’s fire. [Johnny Butter walks out]

Dia: Okay, we are so lucky to have this next guy. He’s a Vegas musician who would like to get better at parkour. Please welcome Missile to the stage.

[Missile comes on the stage. He is jumping.] [Dance music playing]

Missil: ♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Who am I, who am I? ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Where am I, where am I? ♪

♪ Life is dope ♪

Dia: Okay. Alright, we’ve heard enough, and you’ve got it.

Missil: I know.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Tell us what you’re working on.

Missil: Well, I’m writing a book based on the “Harry Potter” movies.

Dia: Mm. So happy for you, Missile. You worked so hard. Okay. And — Oh, the sisters are back for an encore performance.

[Chastity and Prudence come in and Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk out]

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Because they threatened us.

Prudence: L.A. is so overwhelming.

Chastity: A lot has changed for us. We used to have hair down to our holes. But then we cut it, and now we’re models with a story.

Prudence: This song is about our new life in Los Angeles.

[Music starts playing

Both: ♪ Tacos, Bird scooters ♪

♪ Words at the fence ♪

♪ Old milk and leggings ♪

♪ I miss the fence ♪

♪ Thin moms and jacked dads ♪

♪ I’m overwhelmed, and the devil will trick me ♪

♪ Take me back to the fence ♪

[Dia and Jessica Coke-Brothers walk in.]

Dia: Nice! Thank you. Okay. Jessica, your turn.

Jessica Coke-Brothers: Oh, actually, I’m on vocal rest. I have a phone call tomorrow.

Dia: Okay.  Well, then, I’ll sing us out. This is a new song I wrote about being abandoned at the ArcLight Movie Theater.

[Jessica Coke-Brothers leaves the stage] [Music starts playing]

♪ Why can’t you get here? ♪

♪ You’re already supposed to be here ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ You stood my fat ass for the last time ♪

Corporate Nightmare Song

Ted… Beck Bennett

Nate… Mikey Day

Tina… Kristen Stewart

Casper… Pete Davidson

Dylan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video clip of a commercial building] [Cut to inside the office] [Phone ringing]

Ted: Hey, Dylan? Take the lip ring out. [Cut to Dylan. He has a gothic outlook with a lip ring and ear ring on.] It’s against company policy.

[Rock music playing. Music video starts.]

Nate: This one’s going out to all the corporate drones out there.

Tina: Working for the man, making other people rich.

Casper: Wait, the almighty dollar.

Dylan: You know who you are. Listen up.


Mom and dad said go get a job

Tina: Go work real hard go punch your clock

Nate: Climb the corporate ladder straight to the top

Casper: Be a dude someday you’ll be the boss

Dylan: But white collar life don’t work it seems

Tina:Cause I ain’t no corporate worker bee

Nate: Everybody in the house who feel like me

Everybody: Get up on your feet and scream
Take this job and shove it up your —
I will never be part of this machine
corporate society
you can’t hold me back
with a paycheck
this job can kiss my ass.

[Cut to the corporate office]

Ted: Hey, Tina, great work on that compete analysis.

Tina: Oh, thank you.

Ted: You should think about the management training program. We could use someone like you on the 12th floor.

Tina: Wow. I will. Thank you sir.

[Cut to the music video]

Dylan: Boss man sit around on his ass all day

Tina: Doing real good work for the company

Nate: He don’t know what’s up

Tina: But he actually does though,
so let’s not be unfair to Ted, Yo!

Dylan: But the hours–

Tina: Are good!

Nate: And the pay–

Tina: Is generous!

Casper: Corporate culture straight up venomous

Tina: But our benefits–

[Phone beep]

Oh, sorry. One second. I just got to make sure I RSVP for this meeting. Yep, I knew it and—

[Cut to music video]

Nate: ‘Cause the people at this place–

Tina: Are my best friends!

Casper: And when it comes to the boss–

Tina: He’s my best friend!

Everybody: Take this job and shove it up your–

[Cut to the office]

Ted:  Tina, Nate, Casper, you got a sec?

Casper: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Nate: Uh-huh. Sure thing, Ted.

[Cut to Dylan watching his colleagues go to the boss] [Cut to music video]

Dylan: I will never go down the corporate road
Capitalistic nightmare
blah- blah- blah- blah, something blah- blah- blah
nothing, but a – nothing but a – Blah, blah, blah—

[Dylan watches his colleagues hugging the boss] What the hell was that about?

[Cut to Nate, Tina and Casper]

Tina: Ted asked us to if we would pitch on the digital campaign.

Nate: Yeah, it’s pretty cool, actually.

Casper: Yeah, it’s really nice that Ted is looking at ideas internally.

[Cut to music video]

Dylan: You corporate drones in your suits and ties
the boss says, “Jump!” You say, “How high?”

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: Ted wants you to work on it too.

[Cut to Dylan getting happy] [Cut to music video]

Dylan: Let’s dive right in put our heads together

Nate: Blue sky the whole thing make a good ideas better

Tina: Let’s order food

Casper: Stay here all night!

Nate: If we’re pitching to Ted

Dylan: It’s gotta be tight
if we do this right who knows where we could go

Tina: Dana is retiring

Everybody: And she’ll need to be replaced, yo!

Nate: One of us could get her job management position

Casper: Down the road we could be running this division

Dylan: Crush this presentation

Nate: No choking

Tina: Gotta foot in the door

Everybody: Now let’s kick it open

[Cut to the office]

Tina: Work hard, good things will come.

Nate: That’s just how it is, people.

Ted: Dylan, lip ring!

Dylan: Sorry Mr. Abby!

[Dylan rips the ring off his lips. He is bleeding] [Cut to Ted]

Ted: Call me Ted.

A Proposition

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kristen Stewart

Pig Boy… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of night dance club building] [Music playing] [Cut to inside the club, people are dancing. Kenan and Ego are enjoying their meal at the table]

Kenan: Um-hmm. Yeah! This is something, girl, Baltimore has come a long way. I might have one more.

Ego: You know we got church in the morning.

Kenan: It’s Tuesday.

Ego: And? You think the devil takes off Wednesdays?

Kenan: No, he doesn’t.

Ego: Okay.

[Kristen walks up to the couple]

Kristen: Hey.

Kenan: Oh! Hello, young lady.

Kristen: What’s your deal?

Kenan: Us? Well, it’s our anniversary and we’re meeting somebody here. But right now, I’m enjoying these here crabcakes. [Cut to Kenan and Ego] I can only have crab once a quarter due to the swelling.

Ego: Good thing we brought our own food, this place don’t even have a menu.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yes, I mean, are you married, or–?

food, this place don’t even have a menu. Are you married, or—

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, we are married, yes indeed.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Oh, that’s so cool. How long have you been married?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Since birth.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: That’s so amazing. I mean, I would love to just get inside that. Even if it was just one night, you know?

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, good luck to you.

Ego: Plenty of options here, around.

Kristen: Let me ask you a question.

Ego: Is it about my fish sandwich? Because it’s not on the menu. I brought it here myself, it’s from Mecca-Donald’s.

Kristen: Have you ever heard of that song by Katy Perry, it’s something like, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”?

Ego: I’m sorry, baby, I stopped listening to music when queen Latifah started hosting talk shows. I just couldn’t take the betrayal.

Kristen: Do you think it would like it? Because I’m pansexual.

Kenan: Pansexual? What’s that, like you like having sex around pants?

Ego: So you like to have sex at breakfast?

Kenan: Oh, [Cut to Kenan and Ego] that’s never going to work for me, I can’t just wake up and do it like that. I got to have my long pee first.

Ego: Baby, you are in there for a while. You are in there for a while.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: I don’t think you guys understand what pansexual means.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Oh, I definitely don’t. But I’m about to enjoy these pan fried crabcakes. We bout to dip some crabs!

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, let me be blunt. I want to explore tonight.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: With someone here.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Okay.

Kenan: Well, whoever that’s going to be, I’m sure they’re going to enjoy it. Go have fun.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Ego: God bless and good luck.

Kenan: We goin’ dip some crabs.

Kristen: Okay.

[Kristen leaves]

Kenan: You know, I think something’s going on with that young lady.

Ego: She wanted some of your crabcakes is what it was.

Kenan: All she had to do was ask.

Kristen: Hey, hey! [Cut to Kristen dancing in the dancefloor] Do you like this?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Very nice. Very nice.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: Like, I can just keep doing this.

Ego: Yes, that’s good.

Kristen: All right! o this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: You know what? I pulled a hamstring doing a shuffle at my nephew’s wedding.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: So, do you like it?

Ego: Wonderful.

Kenan: You’re very, very talented.

Ego: That’s wonderful.

Kenan: You know what? Let me give you my business card. Yeah, my nephew just started a record label, Jive Ass Records. He might need somebody for the video.

Kristen: Thank you.

[Cut to Kristen] Like, this is going to work out for me. Have a good night guys.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, nice to meet you. We going to collect that little pig boy and head out of here.

Ego: Where he at? Pig boy?

[Pig boy come in. He is an Asian stripper who is wearing leather tight outfit.]

Pig Boy: Yes, mam.

Kenan: Oh, yeah. You’re a dirty little pig, ain’t you?

Pig Boy: Yes sir, and filthy.

Ego: You so hot, we like that.

Kenan: Yeah, we going to make you filthier.

Ego: We’re about to have sex with our little pig boy. Squeal, pig boy.