New Paint

Beth… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Beck Bennett

Kristen Stewart

Johnny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of outside of house] [Cut to inside the house.
[Beth is bringing snacks for Tom and Kristen]

Beth: Now this cheese is a Roquefort and a little bit of jam.

Tom: Yum, thanks sis. We’ve been so busy with the baby. it’s been forever since we’ve been here.

Kristen: Beth, your living room looks amazing. You painted.

Beth: I did.

Tom: Is it Benjamin Moore?

Beth: Benjamin Moore? [Cut to Beth] Baby brother, in this house I only use Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to everyone]

Kristen: Farrow&Ball, I don’t know that.

Beth: Oh, well you should. [Cut to Beth] It’s the high end British paint company that offers unparalleled depth in colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, nice.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Each of their 132 colours colors work beautifully in new homes, both old and new.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: It sounds like you’re saying the word color but with the “U” in it.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, I am. That colour on the baseboard there is named after the fossils often found on the Dorset coast. And the wall colour, well that’s “Nobel blue” named after the Swirling British mists. What a colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Maybe we should try Farrow&Ball.

Tom: yeah, maybe we should. Is it expensive?

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Well, it’s premium. I mean you’re paying for quality.

Tom: Yeah, but how much is it, like $50 a gallon?

Kristen: No, that’s crazy, it’s just paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: This is not just paint. It’s Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Well, how much is it, Beth? $60?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: It’s $110 a gallon.

[Cut to everybody]

Tom: What! $110 for a can of paint, are you insane?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No, I’m not insane.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: How much did it cost to paint this room, $800?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you have to have the special primer, the brushes, and the factor in the shipping and the labour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: They ship the paint? How much is that?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Well, you can’t just buy it anywhere. Look at the depth of colour.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: You can’t afford this, Charlotte. You are an out of work day bartender.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Wrong, I’m an aspiring estate manager.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: What is an estate manager?

Tom: She thinks she’s going to find a rich person and just live in their house. You are living in a dream world and you’ve painted it in that Jack Ass million dollar paint.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Don’t touch it! You’ll ruin it.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: You can’t touch the paint?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No. The finish is delicate. Once it’s touched, it must be redone.

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: Do you have any of the money mom left you?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: No.

Tom: No?

Beth: I don’t mean no. I mean I don’t know.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Don’t you rent this house?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: So? What does that mean?

[Cut to Tom]

Tom: It means you going to have to paint it back whatever colour– Now I’m saying it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Everyone just calm down.

Beth: He just wants me to live in Squalour.

[Johnny walks in]

Johnny: Can you guys all keep it down a little? I’m trying to sleep a little.

Tom: Who is this?

Beth: This is my friend.

Johnny: Johnny.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you sleeping with him?

[Cut to Beth and Johnny]

Beth: Of course. We met on Facebook marketplace.

Johnny: Just a little quiet, you guys.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god. What is your life?

Kristen: Beth, we’re not mad, just a little worried about you.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Oh, don’t you effing judge me right now.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, I know we haven’t always gotten along, but we haven’t been around much because of the baby.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: The baby’s not even his.

Tom: What?

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Kristen: Beth, that’s not what we’re talking about right now, we’re talking about Farrow&Ball.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: I’m not talking about Farrow&Ball anymore. I’m talking about how that baby has your trainer’s eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Are you drunk?

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Yes! I was good for the first couple of minute buy yes, I am drunk. Now tell him.

[Cut to everybody]

Kristen: Beth!

Beth: Tell him. Look in his eyes, Tom.

Kristen: No, no, he’s sleeping, don’t look at his eyes.

[Cut to Beth]

Beth: Look at the colour of his eyes.

[Cut to Tom and Kristen]

Tom: Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Kristen: You’re dead.

[Cut to everybody]

Beth: Oh, you want to go, let’s go. Just don’t bump into the paint or you’ll ruin it.

[Beth and Kristen start fighting]

Tom: Go for it, Beth.

Female voice: Farrow&Ball, each colour tells a story.

Duolingo for Talking to Children

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Stewart

Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a video of a in house get together. Aidy is introducing her son to her friends]

Aidy: These are mommy’s co-workers. [Cut to Kenan, Kristen and Alex] Can you say hi?

Kenan: What’s up, buddy, you’re looking fresh.

[Cut to the boy laughing] [Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, you look nice.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex: All right. Give me high five, buddy. [Alex and the boy gives high-five to each other] Ow, too strong.

Kenan: I bet you played football, right? [The boy nods his head]

Kristen: Yeah, and you go to school. That sucks.

[Cut to Aidy confused] [Cut to Kristen]

Do you wear your clothes to school?

[The boy is scared of Kristen] [Aidy takes her son away] [Cut to Kristen]

Female voice: You have no idea how to talk to children?

[Kristen shakes her head ‘No’]

Does it make you feel like a bad person that you can’t?

[Kristen nods her head ‘Yes’]

It’s never too late to learn.

[Cut to iPad with an app “Duolingo”]

With the new duolingo for talking to children. The first app for grown people who need to learn how to talk to kids because their friends are starting to have them. Practice just five minutes a day and you’ll be a brat whisperer in no time.

[Cut to Kristen practicing in a cafe]

Kristen: Very cool, bud. Very cool, bud. Chicken fingers. Chicken fingers. I like your backpack.

Female voice: The one thing you know about talking to kids is you’re not allowed to call girls pretty but then it’s like, “What do you say?”

[Cut to a woman brings her daughter to Kristen in her office]

Kristen: You look not pretty. I mean, you’re smart. I mean, you’re an engineer one day.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: Are you okay?

Kristen: I got this. [Cut to Kristen. She opens the app.] Just one second, sorry. Cool backpack!

[Cut to the girl smiling]

Female voice: Get a better sense of kids. Get a better sense of kids’ ages.

Voice from app: Identify the 12-year-old. Correct!

Female voice: Practice traditional greeting.

Voice from app: I got your nose!

Female voice: Build your stamina for long, meandering, pointless stories.

[Cut to Kristen and a girl speaking]

The girl: I really like the pizza they have too.

[Kristen looks at the app]

Kristen: Cool!

Female voice: In as little as six weeks you’ll be ready for all kinds of kinder conversations like friends new baby, the bus, dance recitals, child falls on sidewalk in front of you, public restaurants, airport gates, hot tub at vacation resorts, and child wearing big pink dress. Let’s face it. Kids are bad conversationalists. But you don’t have to be.

[Cut back to Aidy’s house with colleagues]

Kristen: So, I bet you like chicken fingers.

[Aidy’s son nods his head ‘Yes’]

[Cut to Kyle walking to the boy]

Kyle: Hey, high five.

[Kyle puts his palm near the boy’s face]

Too slow.

[Kyle is upset he can’t impress the boy] [Cut to Kristen showing Kyle her app]

Female voice: Duo lingo for talking to kids, also available in–