Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

In an attempt to re-vitalize his campaign, Jeb Bush launched a new slogan, ‘Jeb can fix it’. Which is true if the problem being fixed is a treat to another Bush presidency. Jeb has released a new book of emails that he sent to voters while he was a governor of Florida that he is calling ‘Reply All’ and voters are calling ‘Unsubscribe’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and democrat logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Obama criticized republican presidential candidates for complaining about the recent debates saying that if they can’t handle CNBC moderators, they won’t be able to handle Putin and the Chinese. And if you can’t handle Putin and the Chinese, you’re only gonna get two terms as president.

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

While Ben Carson had a real interest in week. First, he said that the Egyptian pyramids were actually built by the biblical Joseph to store grain. Sure, makes sense. Then he had a defense stories about his violent past after CNN couldn’t find anyone to verify them, which is always great when you’re running for president and you have to say, “No, guys. I swear. I really did stab my friend.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yes. Ben Carson, what is going on with you? You are the first black man in American history to turn down an alibi. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson] That would be like if OJ said, “Hey, give me that gun back again, man! I think I can make it fit. Let me try my stabbing hand.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then last night, Dr. Carson lashed out of the media for digging into his past saying, “What’s next? They’re gonna find my kindergarten teacher who said I peed in my pants?” But at this point, Dr. Carson, I think we’re more worried it will turn out you didn’t graduate kindergarten, or you claim to pee your friend’s pants. And then they find your friend and he’s like, “I never had pants.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And now, Ben Carson is complaining that no one ever vetted President Obama like this. Are you serious, dude? Even after Obama was elected president twice, they still made him show ID just to get into the White House.

[Picture changes to a birth certificate]

[whispering] And I’m talking about the guy who is hosting this show.

[Picture changes to ‘Trump Michael Che0Colin Jost6 sign.]

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Changing Gender Roles

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study says that 40% of American households have a woman as the primary breadwinner, suggesting that traditional gender roles may be changing. Here with her thought on the subject is our own, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Whooo!

[cheers and applause]

Great to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, Leslie. Now, do you think that gender roles are changing?

Leslie Jones: Hell, yeah, you tall glass of egg-whites.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Gender roles are changing. Especially men, because y’all man-bitches now. You know those little hair-less boys crammed into skinny jeans texting about their feelings with emojis? Emojis! I don’t want no damn smiley face or no thumbs up, and no man should ever be sending me the word “Yay”. Not even if you on a roller-coaster. This one dude that I was sexed in with, he sent me that little eggplant. And I was like, “That’s racist.” But then my friend told me that eggplant was supposed to be a penis. And I was like, “What penises are you looking at?” Don’t send me vegetables. Send me some real.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay now, so Leslie, you want guys to send you pictures of their junk?

Leslie Jones: You’re damn right I do, you tingly white crisp-strip thing. I just want to have you in all night.

Colin Jost: Oh! Well, right back at you, you delicious chocolate–

Leslie Jones: No, stop!

Colin Jost: No? Okay.

Leslie Jones: It only work when I do it.

Colin Jost: I get that.

Leslie Jones: When I do it, it roll.

Colin Jost: I apologize.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: Listen man-bitches. Don’t send me in any pictures of that shaved junk either. I want it to be a mess down there. Not that smooth polished junk like you don’t wanna get a scratch on coz I’m going to scratch it up. I even went to Italy and they was just man-bitches with accents, Colin. I mean, there was this one little dude who started kissing me, but then his drunk friend started puking everywhere. So, my little pies on had to take him home. And that’s what a man-bitch does. You know what I’m saying? Coz a real man leaves his sick friend on the couch and takes me upstairs and put his gladiator into my Colosseum.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone.

Leslie Jones: Are you entertained?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was about gender roles.

[The End]

Weekend Update Willie on Halloween

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Woodrow… Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Halloween [laughing] is right around the corner and I for one am not looking forward to it. But here to give me in the spirit is my neighbor, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat, smell my foot.

Michael Che: You mean feet?

Willie: Not anymore, I don’t.

Michael Che: Oh, man!

Willie: Oh, this is one of my favorite times in a year, Michael. Did you buy a costume yet?

Michael Che: I’m not buying a costume, Willie.

Willie: Oh, so you’re gonna make your own? That’s smart. [Cut to Willie] Last year I dressed up in my bed sheets and went as a spooky white yellow ghost. But it’s like they always say, “That sheet still wet, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I meant I’m not dressing up at all, Willie. I don’t even like Halloween.

Willie: But aren’t you excited about all the delicious Halloween candies, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Um-um. I can taste them now. Necco wafers, raisins, duck salt’s packets, rubber bands.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s not even candy, dude!

Willie: You know, every Halloween, my daddy would bring me to his favorite pumpkin patch up state. And he’d pick out the biggest, roundest pumpkin there. [Cut to Willie] We’d take it home, wash it. He’d carve a cute little face on to it, dress it up in a cute little wig and a cute little costume, turn it around, carve out a cute little hole in the back…

Michael Che: Oh, come on!

Willie: And then send of off to bed early.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “Your daddy’s drilling those pumpkins Willie. It ain’t natural.”

Michael Che: Dude! These are like, horrible memories.

Willie: Oh, well, you know what I love the most? Haunted houses. [Cut to Willie] Every block has a spooky old place. And in my old neighborhood, it belonged to old man Jeff Dahmer. Boys were always running out of there terrified. And my job was to push them back in.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You worked there, Willie?

Willie: Well, it wasn’t the most glamorous job in the world. But work is work. [Cut to Willie] Plus, I always got a free home cooked meal.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

But you know who loved Halloween? My old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] He was always trying to scare me with his spooky prank whether he be hanging from the door by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the coat rack by his lease licking himself, or hanging from the ceiling fan by his lease licking himself…

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, I get it man!

Willie: It’s like they always say, “That’s learned behavior, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, how are you able to stay this positive, despite going through all these horrible things?

Willie: Well, Michael, I’m looking up to have a help of the most accomplished and accredited life coach in the world.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. It costs me every dime I have but it’s worth every cent. Come on out here Woodrow .

[Woodrow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Woodrow: [speaking on the phone] I’ll call you back, Opra. I’m with the client.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie, this guys is not a life coach.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: Yes, I am. I have my degree right here.

[Woodrow puts a deodorant on the table]

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: That’s just deodorant, man!

Willie: Well, now, Michael, let’s be respectful.

Michael Che: I’m just saying.

[Cut to Willie and Woodrow]

Woodrow: No, Willie, he is right. I’m not a big shot life coach and that wasn’t really Opra on the phone. I guess I made it up so you would like me. I’m just a big fat phony.

Willie: Oh! Woodrow, you’re not a phony. You saved my life.

[Woodrow looks at Willie]

Woodrow: Really?

Willie: Yeah. Reminds me of that song that you taught me.

[music playing]

[singing] Little TV sets
going off inside my ears

Woodrow: Spacemen floating by
firecracker here

Willie and Woodrow: Chased the demons lightly
music hits your eye
up and down the sidewalk
take a doo-doo pie
I love you.

[Cut to Michael Che, Willie and Woodrow]

Michael Che: Willie and Woodrow, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Tina Fey on Playboy

Colin Jost

Tina Fey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now, losing nude photos from Playboy is quite a cultural shift for America. Here to comment on that cultural shift, Tina Fey.

[Tina Fey slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Tina Fey]

Tina Fey: Yes, Playboy magazine has announced that they will stop publishing naked photos early next year. Dashing the dreams of many beautiful young women who had hoped to one day move to Los Angeles and then just by changing every single aspect of her appearance, maybe become Miss February, and then work her way up the company ladder until one day she gets invited to have an early bird fake five way with 100 year old sex monster.

But you know what really killed Playboy, Colin? The internet. The internet cut out the middleman. We don’t need an old man anymore to choose which one of us gets to sell picture of our boobs. We can all sell our boobs now. It’s the sharing economy. Okay? It’s Airbnb for crotch shots. I have my own for profit porn site. You ever hear of um, Overstock.com?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Tina Fey]

Colin Jost: Yep. Heard of that.

Tina Fey: Well, that name was taken. [Cut to Tina Fey] So, mine is called www.milf.org. Moms I like to be friends with, and it’s .org Colin coz it’s for your org.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost is laughing.]

Now, my porn website [Cut to Tina Fey] is all arm butts. Check this out. [Camera zooms to Tina Fey’s closed elbow]

Yeah, you like that? Give me your credit card number. Get in there, Colin. Get in there.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Colin Jost. Colin Jost puts his finger there]

It’s not gonna hurt.

Colin Jost: I don’t think this is right.

Tina Fey: This is our future, Colin. This is our economic independence. [Cut to Tina Fey] Girls need to learn coding and arm butts. Which isn’t to say that I’m not sentimental about the end of Playboy’s center folds. There’s always a certain amount of nostalgia when you come to the end of an era. And for me personally, it means that my dream of posing for Playboy will never come true. It’s something I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl. I’ve dreamed of doing all the poses. I was gonna do this one.

[Tina Fey puts one hand on her breast and finger of another hand in her mouth.]

[Tina Fey climbs on the table and poses]

I was gonna do this one in just a half Eagle’s jersey in tube socks.

[Tina Fey raises her one leg and poses]

And I was gonna do this one in a Bella Hay.

Colin Jost:  I don’t know if I know where to look.

Tina Fey:  I think you do, Colin. We gotta get going though coz last time I did this long, a baby came out.

Colin Jost: Tina Fey, everyone!

[Tina Fey gets off the table and runs towards the audience]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid an a handgun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A two year old in South Carilona found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother in the back. Like a coward! Which by the way, this would have never happened if the grandmother also had a gun. Perfect logic.

[Picture changes to space]

Astronomers have discovered a mysterious object orbiting a distant star and speculate that it may be a massive alien super structure. So, that’s it, folks. We’re all dead. We had a good run, didn’t we Jost?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’re not gonna tell a joke?

Michael Che: Ain’t no joke man. The aliens are coming. And when they do, one of two things are gonna happen. Either they’re gonna eat us, or they’re gonna have sex with us. That’s the only reason people travel. It’s just true. Anytime my friends come back from vacation, they tell me two things. What they ate and who they had sex with. And I’m scared. I’m scared that soon earth is gonna be alien Thailand. Where strange alien businessmen make us do weird tricks with pingpong balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

I don’t got the hips for that, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Alien businessmen? What are you talking about?

Michael Che: Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m– Listen, I live in a all white neighborhood, okay? I do. And every time I look out of my window, I see white people jogging, all of them. And I’m like, “What are these white people training for?” Now, I know. Y’all trying to leave us.

Colin Jost: I man, yeah. But…

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a city and democrat’s logo at left top corner]

The first democratic presidential debate was held Tuesday evening at Las Vegas. Vegas was the perfect city since the debate featured old white people who keep playing no matter how bad they’re losing. Mike Huckabee was criticized during the debate when he tweeted that he trusts Bernie Sanders with his tax dollars like I trust a North Korean chef with my Labrador. And I just wanna say, I trust Mike Huckabee with a joke like I trust [Picture changes to Jared] Jared with my laptop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new poll shows that Donald Trump’s lead over Ben Carson has shrunk to only 5%. Voters like Carson because of his inspiring story and his gentle way of speaking. Oh, I get it. They think he’s radio. [Picture changes to a cover poster of the movie ‘Radio’] That’s why they like him.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Remember radio?

Colin Jost: I think so.

Michael Che: So, Donald Trump and Ben Carson are the top two republican candidates despite having zero experience in government at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, we get that Trump and Carson are outsiders and that sounds exciting. But when do you ever really want an outsider? Like, if you need your laptop fixed, you’re not gonna be like, let’s get someone outside the world of computers. Someone who can crack it open and just start ripping out wires.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an audition line.]

Michael Che: The presidency should not be an open call. You know? Like, we can’t find our country’s leader the same way [Picture changes to Nick Cannon in America’s got Talent] Nick Canon finds ventriloquist. And that’s not even fair to Nick Cannon because at least that ventriloquist has experience as a ventriloquist.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seal of the President of the United States at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also, no more failing up to president. Look at [Picture changes to Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. She got fired from running a company, so she thought, “I know. I’ll be a senator.” Then she lost her senate and she was like, “I hear you loud and clear. President!”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, please America. Hold your presidential higher standard than just being over 35 and a citizen.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I am a citizen, I’m almost 35, I should not be president.

Michael Che: True.

Colin Jost: My email address still has a 69 in it. And that’s my work email.

Michael Che: Yeah, you should really do something about that.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oscar Pistorius at right top corner.]

Olympics sprinter Oscar Pistorius known as the blade runner will serve the rest of his five year man slaughter sentence under house arrest. While under house arrest, they will put an electronic monitor on his ankle and then put his ankles on a really high shelf.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of prisoners and a wildfire at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in California are considering a plan to use inmates with violent backgrounds to fight wildfires in the state. California, come for the drought, stay for the burning forest full of murderers.

[Picture changes to Microsoft logo and a chamber]

Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on earth. Well, besides Dodger’s stadium.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of playboy rabbit at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I was taping that. Playboy magazine announced that starting next month, it will no longer feature pictures of naked women. While [Picture changes to Cat Fancy magazine] Cat Fancy is still straight up pussy.

Weekend Update with Solomon

Colin Jost

Solomon… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: One of our researchers from Weekend Update told us that he was a real travel buff. So, this summer we sent him to Venice, Italy to report on the latest travel trends. Here with his report is our new travel correspondent, Solomon.

[Solomon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Solomon: Hey Colin, how you doing, man? Michael Che, nice to see you.

Colin Jost: Welcome Solomon. So, where did you travel this summer?

Solomon: Travel? Ah, man!

Colin Jost: Well, you went to Venice right?

Solomon: Ay, well, yeah. Basically, I mean, yeah, dang! [Cut to Solomon] I ain’t go to Venice. I didn’t go man. Look man, I wanted to go, man, but the thing is it’s hard, okay? I tried to get on a bus to Italy but you know, I had no ticket. You know?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. The bus to Italy?

Solomon: Ah! God damn, is that wrong? Because of the water? Coz of the ocean, you can’t do that? Oh, god damn!

Colin Jost: Solomon, we sent you a plane ticket.

Solomon: Look, my god, damn! [Cut to Solomon] It’s my sister. She gets all my mail. And you know, I lost my mailbox key coz it’s smaller than the other keys. God! Look, I feel bad about that. I get you back, how much was the ticket?

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was $3,000.

Solomon: Oh, god dang. I ain’t got that, man! How about $100?

Colin Jost: Fine.

Solomon: God dang. I ain’t got that either man. Look man, I ain’t think you’d say yes.

Colin Jost: Solomon, this is your job.

Solomon: Look man, god dang! Look, you can’t fire me, okay? They about to turn my air off, okay? [Cut to Solomon] Not like, my air conditioning. Just like, all the air in my apartment, man. God damn, I got a gold fish man. He’s my best friend in the whole world. God dang!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s your gold fish’s name?

Solomon: Man, I ain’t got no gold fish. Okay? Look, man, you can’t fire me, okay? They’re about to turn my sound off, man! [Cut to Solomon] Like, I won’t be able to hear stuff anymore. And my sister needs sound, man! Coz, you know, she can’t see so good, on account she’s been reading all my mail. You know what I mean? Plus the kids got the wing worm. I mean, god damn!

[Cut to Solomon and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, did you say your kids have wing worm?

Solomon: Man, she ain’t got no kids man. And look man, I ain’t got no sister, god dang! Look, I’ll do better next time, alright? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: That’s okay. That’s alright.

Solomon: Look, but you know, could I get my check for next week today?

Colin Jost: Solomon, everyone.

Solomon: God dang, man! Come on, man!

Weekend Update Frida Santini and her Apartment

Colin Jost

Frida Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new survey finds that 1 in 12 apartments in New York city are overcrowded. Here to talk about it is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Frida slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Frida: Hi Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi.

Frida: Colin, you left your shoes outside your apartment. I borrowed them. Here is one back.

[Frida hands a shoe over to Colin.]

Colin Jost: What happened to the other one?

Frida: You don’t want it. Trust me.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, Mrs. Santini, you’re really all over our building. Now, I have to ask have you personally seen any overcrowding?

Frida: No, no, the building is great, okay? [Cut to Frida] But just one family moving up stairs, they have a little baby, a new born baby, make a little bit of noise. But its okay because you just have to write a nice note. Like this. [Cut to Frida and Colin Jost. Frida takes a note out of her pocket.] I wrote a nice note. Dear parents of Damien. [Cut to Frida] I’m so sorry that your baby is a kara lounge. This must be very hard for you but for me it’s nice. How does your baby know my favorite song? It goes like this, [makes sound of a baby crying]. This song was originally recorded by Britney Spears when someone was putting her feet first into a wood chipper. And you baby, you baby sing this song every second. So I record a Lula for your baby. It goes like this. “Be quiet! I’m gonna throw you out the window.” Anyway, thank you for keeping me up all night so I sleep through my jab the next day. Frida Santini.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note!

Colin Jost: Okay.

Frida: That’s a nice note.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s a nice note. That’s a nice note. Well, I’m sorry you were up all night and late for work. What’s your job?

[Cut to Frida]

Frida: Oh, I am a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s nice. What grade do you teach?

Frida: I teach my monkey how to steal in the street. Yesterday, he bring me back twentyeleven Ford Festiva. And I said, “Okay, Jeff, that’s not bad but where am I supposed to park it?” Dumb ass monkey.

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, did you hear the smoke alarm that went off the other day in our building?

Frida: Oh, yeah, I heard that. I think it was the kids down the hall. They smoke a lot of, you know, marijuana. But it’s not a problem because you just write them a friendly note. Here, the note that I wrote to them.

[Cut to Frida. She pulls out another note out of her pocket.]

Dear cast of the movie Friday, I’m so sorry that your apartment is Banuru. It’s so sad for you that the mayor of Boulder, Colorado came to you and said, “Take everything from my city, put it on your bed and set it on fire. Now!” Thank you for making my apartment smell like Adam Darwish’s hair and for force me to use oxygen tank. I don’t mind. Frida Santini.”

[Cut to Frida and Colin Jost]

That’s a nice note. That’s a gentle, nice note.

Colin Jost: That’s a very nice note. That’s a very nice note. And yes, I didn’t realize that you need an oxygen tank?

Frida: Yes. Tomorrow I have to burn a storage unit. It’s gotta go quick. Police are after monkey.

Colin Jost: My neighbor, Friday Santini everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Frida: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of FDA logo and burnt cigarettes in an ash tray at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has launched a new hip-hop themed anti-smoking campaign aimed at black and Hispanic teenagers because they’re the FDA and they’re here to say they love to condescend in a major way.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of written American Apparel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. If you’re not familiar with American Apparel, they’re that company that makes flyers for missing persons.

[Picture changes to a model photograph of American Apparel that looks like a girl who is kidnapped.]

[Picture changes to Justin Bieber’s nude photo. His penis is covered by a maple leaf.]

So, everybody saw Justin Bieber’s penis this week. Also, everyone felt the need to tell me about it. Like, my friend’s mom saw it and she was like, “Hey, it’s not that bad.” That seemed to be a lot of people’s reaction. You know? It wasn’t like tiny enough to be like, “Hah!” But it wasn’t also big enough to be like, “Wow!” Basically, it was n one’s first choice. Which made me think, “Wait, maybe Justin Bieber’s penis should be the new speaker of the house.” Now, I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. The speaker of the house has to appeal to everyone without truly satisfying anyone.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Colin Jost: The only problem is I don’t know if Republicans will go for it because based on the picture, it leans a little too far to the left.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of bras hooked together and written ‘National Breast Cancer Awreness Month’.

Michael Che: How long did you look at that picture? In an effort to draw attention to national breast cancer awareness month in Minestrone, more than te10n,000 bras were hooked together and hung from a crane. Well, I do not wanna know how Minnesota celebrates black history month.

[Picture changes to Swiss flag and an old couple]

A new report says that the best place in the world for retirees is Switzerland while the worst place for retirees is still at the top of the staircase.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now, Weekend Update presents…

Michael Che: The Weekend Update

[Cut to a different ‘The Weekend Update ‘ intro]

Male voice: The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to The Weeknd in his dressing room sitting on a sofa. He looks at the camera, then the person behind the camera and is really confused.]

The Weeknd: Why are you here?

Male voice: This has been The Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a crowd and Comic Con logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This weekend, 150,000 people are expected to attend New York’s Comic Con. Or as women refer to it, ‘Reverse Fleet Week’.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Amazon logo]

Amazon has launched a new service called ‘Handmade’ that sells handcrafted items like those sold on Etsy. And to show there were no hard feelings, Etsy sent Amazon a home made gift.

[Picture changes to knit pillow case that has ‘Fuck You’ written on it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E. Cheese’s logo and few drinks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chuck E. Cheese has announced plans to revamp it’s menu and sell more beer and wine. It’s all part of their plan to help loosen up pedophiles.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Republicans this week were left scrambling to find a new speaker of the house after the representative Kevin McCarthy abruptly dropped out of the race. And who can’t blame him for not wanting the job? Look, here is a picture of current speaker of the house John Boehner [Picture changes to John Boehner] when he took off as four years ago. And here’s Boehner today. [Picture changes to a rotten pumpkin.]

Now, everyone’s first choice for the job [Picture changes to Paul Ryan] is Paul Ryan but he says he doesn’t want the job. And every other decent republican is too busy running for president. So, now, the GOP is only left with scraps. So, I thought maybe in the spirit of Halloween, they should just stitch those straps together into some kind of Frankein-speaker. [Picture changes to a face made out of different parts of different person’s faces.] And you know what? I think I know just the doctor who’s crazy enough to do it. [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new report, while Ben Carson was a practicing neurosurgeon, he was target of six malpractice suits including one patient who claimed Carson left a sponge in his brain. Which sounds bad, but come on, can we really trust the word of a guy that has a sponge in his brain?

Ben Carson commented on a recent mass shootings saying he never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking away gun rights. Dr. Carson, be honest, was your medically degree given sarcastically? I’m sorry to think you’re a less of a real brain surgeon and more of a [speaking in squeaky sarcastic voice] real brain surgeon. I never thought I’d say this out loud on TV, but please America, pick anybody but the black guy.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Please.

Colin Jost: Now, the issue of gun control has been debated a lot in the news this week.

Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this a lot. I mean, there’s a gun for every man, woman and child in this country. I mean, what are we preparing for? A Rap beef?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Look, I agree that we don’t need that many guns. But this country is obsessed with things that we don’t need. Okay? We don’t need a Baconator. We don’t need a beer that’s a margarita inside a beer. And we definitely don’t need our dogs to wear Halloween costumes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But there has to be limits Colin. I mean it’s just too easy to get one. Look, here’s a list of things that are harder to get than a gun. A driver’s license. A purple belt in karate. Kevin Hart tickets. A GED. Spray paint. I mean, come on!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Alright, well here are things that are easier to get than a gun. Herpes.

Michael Che: Alright, why do you say that?

Colin Jost: I didn’t prepare a list. Look, you know how hard it is to limit guns? Think about how hard it was in New York to limit sodas. Bloomberg was like, “Um, maybe just drink soda out of a bucket?” And people were like, “He’s trying to take our soda buckets!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an old letter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Which brings me to my next point, you can’t have whatever you want, alright? I know the forefather said you have the right to own a gun. But they also said you could own people. Which by the way, if I owned a whole field of jacked Africans, I’d probably want a dozen of guns too.

[Cut to Colin Jost being speechless]

Colin Jost: It’s not supposed to cut to me after that.

Michael Che: Oh, no. It is. [Cut to Michael Che] I told them to do that. Look, the constitution– [laughter and applause] I was making a point. The constitution is a lot like our grandfather. He’s wise, we love him and he means well. But, he’s getting really, really old. And every once in a while, he says something crazy and we gotta go to the other room and discuss what we’re gonna do about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And look, as New Yorkers, I don’t think that we should be telling the rest of the country how to deal with guns, okay? I don’t have a gun, you don’t have a gun–

Michael Che: [interrupting] Well…

Colin Jost: Wait, you have a gun?

Michael Che: I mean…

Colin Jost: Why do you have a gun?

Michael Che: I got a lot of sneakers, Colin. I mean, what should I do? I walk home by myself man.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Derek Fisher and Matt Barnes at right top corner.]

It was revealed that New York Knicks coach Derek Fisher was attacked by Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies after Barnes learned that Fisher was dating his estranged wife. So, at least there’s one Kinck who knows how to grab rebound.