Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of toys at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An advocacy group has released it’s annual list of hazardous toys which includes dinosaur claws from Jurassic world and a folding trampoline. Bad news for kids whose role model is the Terrano Raptor. [Picture changes to a person dunking basketball on a red dinosaur costume using a trampoline.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Why would he be a role model? Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is ending his campaign for president after getting really tired of telling the other candidates that he was not the IT guy. It’s an innocent mistake.

[Picture changes to Radioshack logo]

Radioshack is hoping to boost it’s holiday profits with early Black Friday sales and staying open on Thanksgiving day. You may know Radioshack from their slogan, “Hey! Didn’t I use to be a Radioshack?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study suggest that house cat share similar personality traits with African lions. And if they were bigger, they would kill their owners… instead of just waiting for them to die of loneliness.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[Picture changes to Subway Jared Fogle and a judge gavel.]

Former Subway Sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty for having sex with minors was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Fogle said he was just happy to get anything under 18.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of shipping containers piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How did you think that was gonna end?

Colin Jost: I thought it would be uplifting.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. A housing developer in Arizona has created new apartments costing a $1,000 a month that are made out of shipping containers. It’s all part of his plans to trick Mexicans.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

It’s not my plan.

This Thursday is Thanksgiving and in the spirit of cultural exchange between the pilgrims and the native Americans, Colin and I would like to have an exchange of our own.

Colin Jost: That’s right. That’s why we’ve each picked a joke that we wrote and we’re letting the other one tell it. Che, why don’t you go first?

Michael Che: I sure will, buddy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an old notebook at right top corner.]

Adolf Hitler’s Meni– Jesus! Adolf Hitler’s manifesto ‘Mein Kampf’ will return to German book stores in January after nearly 70 years. But I don’t know, I might just wait to read it on ‘Mein Kindle;.

Come on, man! That is a cheap one.

Colin Jost: I know. That’s true but I bet you did not see it coming.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. [laughs] Just tell your joke, man.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Michael Che: This is the one you wrote for me?Yeah.

Colin Jost: Alright. A team of doctors will soon perform a surgery that uses muscle and skin from a man’s arm to give him a new penis which he was born without. And before the man with no penis goes into surgery, let me just say this, “Good luck, Colin.” [Picture changes to Colin Jost]

Now that’s not…

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Be thankful for what you got, Colin.

Colin Jost: that’s not the spirit.

Michael Che: Happy Thanksgiving bud. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Don’t encourage him.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at left top corner.]

Jeb Bush said that he will be willing to send ground troops in the Syria and Iraq to stop ISIS. Coz you never wanna be the one guy at thanksgiving who hasn’t sent troops [Picture changes to George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush] to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Donald Trump said that if elected he would certainly implement a database system to track Muslims in the United States which is absurd because there is simply no way that we as Americans don’t already have that.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: This week a debate is raised about whether to let Syrian refugees enter the United States.

Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this and immigration in general.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: See, America is a nation of immigrants. But once we get here, we get really suspicious of any new immigrants. It’s kind of like America is this giant awesome roller coaster and you wait in line for every ride. Then we finally get to the front, we ride it and it’s awesome. Then it finishes and we’re like, “Okay, shut it down.” “Wait, there’s all these other people waiting in line.” “No, no. I just wanted it for me and my ethnicity. Then it’s closed forever. You guys have to stay on the other side of the fence and watch us go ‘Wee’.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, first of all, my ancestors weren’t exactly immigrants. We were more like invited guests or cargo. Second, you know this whole country was stolen by immigrants by the first place, right? So, I can get why Americans would get skeptical of other immigrants. If I stole your car and get away with it, the first thing I’m gonna do is buy a better security system for my new car coz there’s thieves out there.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And now, some people are saying there should be religious tests so we only let in the Syrians who are Christian. But you know how easy it is to lie about being Christian? I do it every time I go home for Christmas mass. I just start off real strong with “Our Father” and I kind of lip sync for a minute, and I finish real strong with “Amen”. I mean, that’s why every Catholic sings in a whisper coz we don’t know any of the damn words.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Personally, I don’t trust any religion that requires a hat. I don’t mind small hats. It just seems like the bigger the hat, the weirder the rules. I never been listening to a dude in a big ass hat and thought, “Man, this guy seems reasonable.” That’s why I stopped listening to Pharrell. [Picture changes to Pharrell Williams wearing a hat.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ISIS Pharmaceuticals logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After recent events, a biotech company in California is considering changing it’s name from ISIS Pharmaceuticals. As well as it’s most popular drug, [Picture changes to a Boko Harambien container.] Boko Harambien.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Bathroom Gender

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week voters rejected the Houston equal rights ordinance which would have required businesses to allow transgender people access to the bathroom of their gender identity. Here with more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, how you doing? Yeah, apparently this anti-discrimination law was voted down because [Cut to Pete Davidson] some people claim it’s just an excuse to allow guys in women’s restrooms. You know? The theory is that men in their relentless quest to watch women go to the bathroom are going through years of hormones, surgery, changing their names, their wardrobe, coming out to their family, all for that big payoff of peeing in a room without urinals. What is this fantasy that they think is going on in there? There is not shirtless pillow fights. There is no disco ball.

I grew up with a mom and a sister, so I know a little something about sharing a room, like, a bathroom with women. It sucks. Nobody wants to hangout in there. Last week I accidentally walked in on my mom in the toilet and I don’t think we’re ever gonna speak again.

Even if for some reason you’re desperate to use women’s bathrooms, you don’t need a sex change to do it. You could just walk in. There’s no bouncer. The door is right there. Seriously, I’ve been using the ladies room here to poop for the last two months.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. We’ve actually gotten a lot of complaints.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, from me. It’s filthy in there. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I thought girls were supposed to be the clean ones. It looks like a man made out of toilet paper was murdered in there.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Then why do you keep using it?

Pete Davidson: Because it’s the only bathroom that has wifi. And Cecily has a beautiful singing voice. [Cut to Pete Davidson] That was my favorite line.

[Colin Jost laughing hard]

Look, you know why I’m not worried about a woman in the men’s room? Coz every sporting even I’ve ever been to, a girls has bursted in and said, “Line’s too long. I’m peeing in here.” And guess what? It didn’t ruin my pooping experience. If anything, it’s the only reason I washed my hands.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky about Steroids

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the anti-doping agency suspended all Russian track and field athletes from international competition due to steroid use. Here to comment is a woman from remote village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: [singing] Oops, I did it again.
Got tricked by a goat
I gave him my clothes
Oh, stupid Olya

Colin Jost: Welcome back. [laughing] Welcome back. Now, can I ask what have you been up to since last time?

Olya: Oh, you know, just brunching and gabbing with my gal-pals.

Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No Colin, I live in Russia. I’ve been crying and screaming non-stop.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, are you disappointed to learn that the Russian track and field team has been doping for years?

Olya: Colin, can you really blame people in Russia for trying to run faster? [Cut to Olya] They’re just trying to get the hell out of there. And I say go for it. Run Borris, run.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But Olya, okay, they cheated. You know? That’s illegal.

Olya: Oh Colin, you little nerd!

[Olya pats on Colin’s back]

Everybody cheats my friend. [Cut to Olya] Even I have cheated on my boyfriend. But I had good reason. The other guy is a real fox.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, what does he do?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: I don’t know. He shoves his little face in the dirt and tries to get in chicken coop. He’s a fox, Colin.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you think about the possibility that the Russian track and field team might be banned from the Summer Olympics in Rio De Janeiro?

Olya: Oh, it’s major bummer, Colin. [Cut to Olya] I wanted to go to Rio, baby! I was gonna lay out on the beach in my brand new three piece bikini.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What’s a three piece bikini?

Olya: Oh, it’s sexiest bikini in all of Russian. It’s shirt, pants and big heavy coat.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I be the guys love that.

Olya: Oh, they do, Colin. Plus, I have the best pickup line. [Cut to Olya] I walk up to a guy, I say, “Did you fall from heaven? If so, please tell me my babies are up there.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, even though you can’t go to Rio, at least you got to come to New York, right?

Olya: Oh, New York is great, Colin. I love walking around learning new English phrases. Like, what is that new phrase everyone in New York is saying? What is it? It’s like, “Oh my god, you haven’t seen Hamilton? You have to see Hamilton. Seriously, go see Hamilton. You have to see Hamilton.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

I hear that everywhere. I don’t know what it is.

Colin Jost: And will you still be in town for thanksgiving?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: Thanks-giva-holsa-giva-what?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Thanksgiving. You know, the day where you sit around with your loved ones and say things you’re thankful for.

Olya: Oh! White people. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, we have a one holiday. Rock day. Everyone gets one big rock to throw at whoever they want. You know what I’m going to do this year with my rock?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What?

Olya: I’m going to throw it straight in the air and stand under and scream, “Take me rock. Bunk me straight.”

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. I think you need to cheer up.

Olya: Maybe you could tell me little joke. I love to laugh.

Colin Jost: You wanna hear a joke?

Olya: Yes. Tell me. Tell me please.

Colin Jost: Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, I got one. Knock, knock.

Olya: [yelling] Ah! The wolves are at the door.

Colin Jost: Olya, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling about Relationships

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: As temperatures drop, single people are trying to lock down relationships to help get them through the winter. Here with his unique take on the subject is the guy that I’ve been seeing around the clubs and colleges, all over the place, veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hi. Michael, so good to be here. I gotta say, you look good… for once. Seriously, I gotta put it all out on table tonight. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] I really do. And you know, people trying to keep me from speaking my mind. But I’m sorry yo! Somebody gotta tell it like it is. I do not get women.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Right? Coz the thing about women is they’re always asking so many questions. You notice this? You seen this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Where you going Bruce? Where you’ve been? What happened to all the stuff in the refrigerator? Pretty soon I start to think am I dating a girl or am I dating a pop quiz?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, thanks for stopping by, Bruce. That was pretty good, man.

Bruce Chandling: And.. and.. the dates these girls wanna go on, it’s like, are you serious? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] It’s always, “Oh, take me to dance club. I love to dance.” But it’s like, yo, face it Michael, guys do not dance!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What?

Bruce Chandling: Ay! The only move we know how to do is the slide… the bowl of chips closer to us and twist… open the chili cheese dip.

Michael Che: So this is what you wanted to say on TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay! Right on, daddio! You see, guys just make sense. With girls it’s always, “Oh, I wanna settle down. Let’s be in a relationship.” Then then when you finally say, “Okay, you’re my girlfriend”, then they go fool around with one of your closest friends? It’s like why can’t they be with just one guy?

[Bruce Chandling looking very sad.]

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che. Michael Che is looking at Bruce Chandling very concerned.]

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, is everything okay?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: What’s the matter? Whenever you try to get a hold of a girl, she’s always “At soccer practice”.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Bruce Chandling: Or if it’s not that, she is too busy planning the senior prank.

Michael Che: Oh! Hold on, dude!

Bruce Chandling: It’s just a thing that all women do these days.

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, it sounds like your girlfriend might be a high school.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] No. [thinking for a long time] Oh, no. Ay, no, coz she looks like a… That makes sense. Guess I was meant to be alone. I mean that’s what I’m best at, right?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: oh, come on Bruce! I’m sure that plenty of women out there that are your own age that would love to be with you.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Maybe right. Only problem is, I do not get… Women!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of phone keyboard with emojis on it at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new keyboard has been introduced that let’s users type in emojis. Or makes your grandmother think she’s gone insane.

[Picture changes to a gavel]

A woman has filed a $one million lawsuit against the feminist publishing house after she claimed she was fired for being too lesbian. Which is the same thing I was told when I got kicked off the high school football team. [Picture changes to an old black and white picture Colin Jost]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caffeinated peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: That is jarry. A brand of peanut butter is being sold called Steem which contains more caffeine than a redbull. Perfect for that creep who wants that dog to just go to town down there.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

[audience laughing hard]

Colin Jost: But you get it. Okay.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a big diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The blue moon diamond which sold at auction for $48 million was bought by a billionaire for his 7 year old daughter which raises the disturbing question, “Did that guy cheat on his daughter?”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: This week students at Yale University marched in protest after the dean sent out an email asking students not to wear racially insensitive costumes.

Michael Che: And then a white professor replied all and defended the right to “Be offensive”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a white and a black mens’ arms.]

Colin Jost: Okay, first of all if you’re white, maybe just don’t go out of your way to jump into a racial debate. Just like in general when people start talking about race, I’m never like, “I’ll go first.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Reply to all’ button of email at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But you literally just did that!

Colin Jost: Never again.

Michael Che: Look, professor, if you’re gonna say something like that, don’t hit ‘Reply all’, alright? Workshop it first. Do what Colin does. Send it to your one black friend with the subject, “Hey, saw this somewhere. Any thought?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of ‘Reply to all’ button of email at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay, you laughed but it’s helpful. Okay? This is how we learn. Okay? That’s why this Halloween I went as white Al Roker.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of written Yale University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I thought you were Dr. Phil.

Colin Jost: Man! My mom worked really hard on that.

Michael Che: Well, your mom stinks. Look, white kids, if you’re not sure whether or not your costume is offensive, just do what black kids do and don’t dress up for Halloween. I mean, you can afford to go to Yale, you can buy your own candy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Snooki and Jwoww from Jersey Shore at left top corner.

Colin Jost: Former Jersey Shore stars Snooki and Jwoww have launched a new reality series on YouTube called “Moms With Attitude.” Plans are already in works for a spin off series called “Dads With Custody”.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Last week, Donald Trump hosted our show and he seemed fine when he was here. But since then I think he might have snapped. Because on Thursday this happened.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Bing-bing-bong and Dat!

[pulling his belt up and down] It moves this way. It moves that way.

[gesturing as if he’s stabbing] He lunged that knife.

Wah!

Behold!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: For 95 minutes. 95 minutes is a long time to talk. That’s 10 minutes longer than Men in Black 2. Donald Trump also said, “If I become president, we’re all gonna be saying Merry Christmas again.” Oh, I don’t know about that but we’ll definitely be saying “Jesus Christ!” a lot.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Jeb Bush said that he would go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler as a baby, a move that would have left Germany in the weak bumbling hands of Adolf’s brother, Jeb Hitler.

[The picture changes to Ben Carson]

In a separate interview, Ben Carson said he would not abort baby Hitler if he had the chance. So basically now, this election is down to which candidate would make the best time travelling baby murderer?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders has received the endorsement of the American Postal Worker’s Union and nothing has ever made more sense than that. I mean Bernie Sanders looks like if the post office became a person. I don’t know. Either they’re endorsing him or they just issued a new stamp honoring Martin Van Buren. [Picture changes to Martin Van Buren and Bernie Sanders both having messy hair.]

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Marco Rubio]

At the republican debate, senator Marco Rubio called for a return to vocational training saying that we need “Less philosophers and more welders.” But I don’t know. I think maybe we need less presidential candidates and more working senators.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Christian groups are complaining that Starbucks is waging a war on Christmas by removing traditional holiday images from cups, which sounds crazy but I checked myself and apparently Starbucks can’t even spell Jesus. [Picture changes to a Starbucks cup with Jesus spelled as ‘Jeezers’.]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle is Trump Supporter

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump remains the front runner for the republican nomination. Here to comment is someone who claims to be Trump’s number one fan, Drunk Uncle.

[Drunk uncle slides in]

Drunk uncle: Hey! Hey!

Colin Jost: Wow, drunk uncle. You seem happier than usual.

Drunk uncle: It’s Trump time, baby! [Cut to Drunk uncle] Finally Colin, someone is saying that things that I have been thinking as well as saying. I mean, it’s like I’m running for president. [Colin Jost laughing] you know? It’s like, we have a million things in common. You know? We both look like Russians. [Michael Che laughing] That’s one. His dad gave him $1 million loan, I told my dad I love him and he told me leave him alone. So, that’s two. And his wife’s name is Melania and my doctor said, “That’s what this mole is.”

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, I think you should really get that taken care of.

Drunk uncle: And let Obamacare win? Barf! Not on my swatch. These kids today– These kids today, they don’t even vote anymore, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

Colin Jost: They don’t what?

Drunk uncle: [yelling] They don’t even vote anymore, Colin. Open your ears. [Michael Che laughing] All they care about is, “Can I eat my flaxseeds on my hoverboard?” “I’m sorry. Excuse me, is this Apple watch gender neutral?” Her name is Bruce.

[singing] This is how we do it.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay drunk uncle, what specifically do you like about Trump?

Drunk uncle: I don’t just like him, Colin. I love him. He’s gonna make America great again. I mean, he’s got it all, Colin. [Cut to Drunk uncle] He’s got everything. He’s got money, women, TV shows, plaza, miss America, orange hair. [Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost] He’s perfect. He’s like a big old beautiful monopoly man.

Colin Jost: Okay. And what are your thoughts about Ben Carson?

Drunk uncle: I don’t want to talk about it.

Colin Jost: Okay, why is that?

Drunk uncle: Colin, please. He’s right there!

[Cut to Michael Che looking confused]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. I hesitate to ask but what about Hillary Clinton?

[Drunk uncle breaks his alcohol glass in his hand looking at Colin]

[Drunk uncle raises his hand and from somewhere, he gets another glass of alcohol.]

[Cut to Drunk uncle]

Drunk uncle: You were saying?

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, you can’t behave like that.

Drunk uncle: [yelling] Yeah, I’m afraid of George Lopez. [Cut to Drunk uncle]

[singing] So take these broken wing [singing by mumbling words]

[Drunk uncle starts sobbing]

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Drunk uncle!

Drunk uncle: So, I’m not a celebrity, okay? [Cut to Drunk uncle] So I’m not Hamilton on Broadway, okay? So I’m not Mr. America. Here he is, Mr. America. So much glass on my hands. Please, that’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, I hesitate to say this, I think you might be a little too drunk.

Drunk uncle: He’s my president, Colin. Because he’s finally gonna get rid of all of the– all, every single one of–

Colin Jost: Wait, wait! Don’t! Don’t say it.

Drunk uncle: Crime, Colin. I was gonna say crime. He’s gonna get rid of crime man.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay.

Drunk uncle: Come on! Crime perpetrated by immigrants!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of industrial smoke and China’s flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to new data, China is burning 17% more coal than their government had previously stated. And don’t try to say it was a mistake, China. Coz we know you did the math right.

[Picture changes to baseball players celebrating the win. It reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

This week Colin Jost spent three days in his dressing room crying like a bitch.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s the same picture of baseball players celebrating the win that reads ‘Kansas city beats New York.’]

Colin Jost: Then I found out the Mets lost.

[Picture changes to Ali Khamenei]

Iran supreme leader Ali Khamenei clarified the meaning of the common chant ‘Death to America’ saying that it does not mean death to America, but instead refers to America’s policies. You know, sort how like the people outside are chanting ‘Dump Trump’ but they really just mean, “What are his ideas on healthcare?”

[Picture changes to a map picture of California and condoms]

California is considering a new law that would fine actors in pornographic movies up to $70,000 if they don’t wear condoms. Said the porn industry, [porn music playing] “Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do to us if we don’t have the money?”

[Cut to Michael Che. He is looking Colin Jost with shock. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s book ‘Crippled America’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Why do you still think porn has music in it? [Colin Jost laughing] This week, Donald Trump released his new book ‘Crippled America: How to make America great again’. And while some are taking offence at the use of the word ‘Crippled’, I’m more concerned about his used of the word ‘Again’. Like, what years are you talking about specifically, dude? Whenever a rich old white guy start bringing up the good old days, my negro senses start tingling. I mean, all those years of progress, Trump’s gonna really go with, “Nah, I think we had it right the first time.”

[Picture changes to Taco Bell logo]

A Taco Bell executive has been fired after a video was posted of him assaulting an Uber driver. I cannot believe Taco Bell has executives. I thought all their decisions were made by wheel of nonsense words.