Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Second and Third hand news

Colin Jost

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

Angelo… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. [Michael Che laughing] Here to talk about the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondant, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony slides in and hits Colin Jost]

Anthony: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that. Hey, wow! Wow!

Colin Jost: Came in hot?

Anthony: Came in hot there! Hey, it’s good to be back.

Colin Jost: Good to have you, man.

Anthony: Thank you. Thank you. Look at this guy, million dollar smile, two dollar tie.

Colin Jost: Okay. I feel like it’s a kind of a nice–

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar]

Anthony: Hey!

Colin Jost: [scared] Ah!

Anthony: I’m breaking balls, Colin! Come on! [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar again] Whoop! I got you again!

[Anthony looking around]

So, you hear about this thing, though?

Colin Jost: No. What thing?

Anthony: A lot of stuff going on. This is crazy. Apparently, Sting can’t perform concerts in Chicago no more.

Colin Jost: Sting can’t perform in Chicago?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coz they got rid of the head of the police.

Colin Jost: No. It’s not–

Anthony: No, it’s true.

Colin Jost: It’s not the band police. They got rid of the actual police chief.

[Cut to Anthony]

Anthony: Um…… pretty sure it was Sting though, Colin. You know, because the mayor was like, “Ay, don’t stand so close to me.” [Cut to Anthony and Colin Jost] You know, that’s what–

Colin Jost: Alright. And who did you hear that from?

Anthony: Who did I hear that from?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Anthony: I heard it from my lotion guy. Slippery Gary.

Colin Jost: Okay!

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. Good guy. Smart guy.

Colin Jost: He’s a good guy?

Anthony: He’s a great guy. He knows a lot about lotions.

Colin Jost: I really think slippery Gary is misinformed.

Anthony: Okay, alright. Well, you think he is misinformed, you should talk to my third hand news guy.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Third hand news?

Anthony: Um, yeah. He gets all his news from me. Hey, Angelo! Get out here.

[Angelo slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Anthony and Angelo are looking around. They’re wearing same outfit.]

Angelo: Oh, hey there Colin. Where did you get that tie, huh? The bad store?

Anthony: Oh!

[laughing]

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar as he’s laughing]

Colin Jost: Angelo, what have you heard?

Angelo: Oh, well, you know, you hear about this thing though? You hear about this thing though?

Colin Jost: No.

Angelo: Huge movie coming out.

Anthony: Yeah, huge!

Colin Jost: Which movie?

Anthony: Huge.

Angelo: Yeah, huge. Called, “Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.”

Anthony: Yep.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not it.

Anthony: Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.

Colin Jost: No, it’s not. It’s “The Force Awakens.”

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure it’s the Jamaicans, though.

Anthony: Yeah, you know. And there’s four of them. Like, cool runnings. And they always say, “Ay, Luke use the force, man!” You know? It’s crazy.

Angelo: Yeah, and it was directed by Jar Jar Abrahams.

Anthony: Yeah, great director. Great. Good guy.

Angelo: Good guy. It’s like, you know, he said, “Me so wanna direct a movie.”

Anthony: Me so wanna direct a movie.

Colin Jost: That is not accurate.

Anthony: You know, it’s a big time right now in the pop culture.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Anthony and Angelo]

Anthony:  You hear about this thing though?

Angelo: Yea, yea, yea. Yep.

Anthony: Yea, Charlie Sheen.

Angelo: The Charlie Sheen. He’s got the HBO.

Anthony: He’s got the HBO.

Angelo: He’s got the HBO. He’s not gonna watch Showtime.

Anthony: No more Showtime.

Angelo: No more.

Anthony: He has just canceled it, man! You know, and you know who is breaking every music record right now?

Colin Jost: Who’s that?

Anthony: It’s the Del Dude. Yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Anthony and Angelo]

Colin Jost: No. It’s Adele.

Angelo: Colin, you gotta get a Del.

Anthony: You gotta get one Colin.

Angelo: Get a Del.

Anthony: Get a Del, Colin. Please! Please! You know, and the biggest news, the new song right now?

Angelo: Oh, the biggest song right now, it’s about Bill Cosby. Yes.

Anthony: Yeah, Bill Cosby.

Colin Jost: There’s a song about Bill Cosby?

Angelo: Hey got a song about Bill Cosby. It’s called “Jello, it’s me.”

Colin Jost: Alright, you both need to go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure we don’t, Colin.

Colin Jost: You do. Leave.

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure…

Colin Jost: Go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… [someone brings in a hot whistling kettles.] pretty sure.

Colin Jost: Anthony Crispino and Angelo everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Jill Davenport flirts with Colin

Colin Jost

Jill Davenport… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday shopping season is officially under way. Here to tell us the best tech gadgets for the guy in your life is reporter from Glamour magazine, Jill Davenport.

[Jill slides in]

Jill: Thank you, Colin. [Jill is flirt-gesturing] It’s so great to be here. I’m like, a huge fan.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Thank you so much, Jill.

Jill: Wait, how did you say my name?

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m sorry. Did I miss pronounce it? Jill?

Jill: No. You sort of like, funny. Like, I’m watching you! Alright. [Jill is playing with her hair] So, the best gadgets– My god! I’m like, so hot out here. Do you mind if I take my jacket off, first? [take off her jacket]

Colin Jost: No, that’s fine.

Jill: [laughs] Of course you don’t mind. It’s like a free show. [Jill is playing with her hair]

Colin Jost: Jill, I have to say. I feel like you’re kind of trying to flirt with me.

Jill: What? Colin! I have like, a boyfriend. Can we just talk about gadgets?

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Let’s.

Jill: Please? Oh, Mr. Manners. Okay, professional. [looking into her shirt.] Oh, my god! What’s in my shirt. [looks at Colin Jost] Oh, my god! Did you just see down my shirt? I’m so embarrassed.

Colin Jost: Jill, no. I was not looking–

Jill: Are you making fun of me? Oh, my god. You are so laughing at me right now. You are! Michael, is Colin laughing at me?

[Cut to Michael. He has his headphones on and is nodding to the music.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Jill]

Oh, my god. I’m like, freezing out here. I’m so cold. Can I have your coat?

Colin Jost: You want my coat?

[Jill nods her head]

Okay, sure. It feels like you just had one, but that’s great.

[Colin Jost opens his coat and gives it to Jill]

Jill: Gentlemen. I guess they still do exist.

Colin Jost: Okay. Here you go. Alright. So, gadgets–

Jill: Oh, my god. Do I look like a baby in your coat?

Colin Jost: Jill, are you only out here to flirt with me?

Jill: Stop! I have a boyfriend. You’re making me laugh. Wait, can you open this jar for me.

[Jill hands Colin Jost a red jar]

Colin Jost: Is this about gadgets?

Jill: Yes, basically.

[Colin Jost opens the jar’s lid]

Thank you.

[Colin Jost takes a popsicle out and starts licking it.]

Colin Jost: Wait! That jar just had a popsible in it?

Jill: Get your mind out of the gutter!

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Look, just tell me one tech gadget.

Jill: You are so bad. You know, I might have to go out with you after all.

Colin Jost: Go out? You just said you have a boyfriend.

Jill: Yeah, but he died.

Colin Jost: Jill Davenport, everyone. I need my coat back.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. there’s a picture of two dead body outlines on the floor at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Thursday, a gang of black people who were allegedly under the influence of narcotics murdered two high ranking community leaders on live television. This according the the FOX News recap of the Wiz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a hoverboard at left top corner.]

Happy ending. [laughing]

Colin Jost: The Cleveland Cavaliers reportedly banned their players from using hoverboards inside the stadium, making it the first time anyone on the Cavs has ever been punished for [Picture changes to a player from Cavaliers playing basketball] travelling. Oh!

[Picture changes to a new born baby]

According to the new list, the most popular baby girl name of the year was Sofia while the least popular baby girl name belonged to little Isis Cosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kylie Jenner dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair at right top corner.]

Michael Che: There’s no way Isis Cosby is white. Kylie Jenner is being insensitive for a photoshoot in which she dressed as a sex doll on a wheelchair. But you know what they say, dress for the job you want.

[Picture changes to Kobe Bryant]

Kobe Bryant announced that he will retire from the NBA at the end of this season saying, “My body knows it’s time to say goodbye.” But I don’t know, Kobe. The last time you listen to your body, you had to buy your wife a $4 million apology diamond.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mouse Mingle by Disney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new dating site has been launched called Mouse Mingle that matches people who are both Disney fans. It’s the perfect way for a lonely Cinderella to meet her, at best, Pumba.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female signs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that scientists examining scans of human brains could not tell the difference between the male brain and the female brain. In fact, the only way you can tell the male brain from the female brain is that if you look very, very closely, the female brain always be shopping. [laughing]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Donald Trump and caduceus logo at left top corner.]

Donald Trump said that his doctor will soon release his medical records which Trump says will show that his health is “perfection”. You know, a thing doctor said. “How are my lungs looking, doc?” “They’re unstop-able. Honestly, in my expert medical opinion, you’re gonna live to be 1000.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson and Jordan flag.]

Ben Carson this week toured refugee camps in Jordan and said that the most of the Syrians he met there don’t wanna come to the US. It’s a decision they made after asking Carson, “Where are you from?” Overall, Dr. Carson said he enjoyed his trip to Jordan but said he was disappointed that he didn’t meet Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeb Bush hinted that if nominated, he  would pick a woman as his running mate. But Jebb, you’re supposed to let women off of sinking ships.

[Picture changes to a newspaper article ‘FBI is treating rampage.]

The New York Times ran a front page editorial urging congress to take action following Wednesday shooting in California. But congress already took action because on Thursday, the senate confronted the gun issue head-on by voting to defund planned parenthood. Good job dudes. There have been more mass shootings in the US this year than there had been days in the years. So, how id defunding planned parenthood the priority right now? It would be like, if you called an exterminator and he goes, “Wow, you got a lot of rats in here man. So, the first thing we got to do is defund planned parenthood.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it’s not just congress. On Wednesday, president Obama said that ISIS does not pose an existential threat to America. First of all, you can’t use big words like existential. We’re not in a philosophy class. We’re a country that’s about to be four deep into the Chipmunks franchise. We still think existential is a male enhancement pill they sell at gas stations. [Picture changes to Existential pills]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So, for our sake president Obama, never imply that ISIS isn’t a threat. Even if it’s true, don’t jinx it, alright? You sound less like the black president and more like the black guy in a horror movie. “Ay, don’t worry about ISIS. You white kids stay here. I’m gonna go check on that rockets at the basement.”

Weekend Update Travel Expert Carrie Krum on Winter Getaways

Michael Che

Carrie Krum

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With temperatures dropping, people are looking to escape winter blues by heading to warmer climates. Here with her insider tips is 7th grade travel expert, Carrie Krum.

[Carrie slides in]

Carrie: Hi Michael.

Michael Che: Hi, Carrie. So, how was your holidays?

Carrie: Awesome. Yeah, I bit into a cherry chocolate and there was alcohol inside of it. But don’t worry Michael, I wasn’t driving.

Michael Che: So, Carrie, what are some destinations where people can head this winter?

Carrie: Oh, I’m glad you asked me Michael. [Cut to Carrie] A destination will impress is none other than my uncle’s house in Lincoln, Nebraska. It’s got a fridge in the garage, a dog on it’s way out with both his eyes that look like milky moons. And an elliptical where I saw boys bathing suit was drying. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… There was a net inside.

Michael Che: Alright Carrie. I was thinking of warmer destination. Like a beach.

Carrie: Oh. Got you. [Cut to Carrie] Well, you wan fun in the sun then head to Muskegon, Michigan. We had a magical night at my cousin’s basketball tournament where I drank a Red Gator and which made me look like I was wearing lipstick. And then, I took a wrong turn into the boys locker room where I saw a big boy changing. And Michael… [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… On his belly, there was hairs.

[Carrie taps on Michael Che’s hand for attention]

Michael Che: Okay. Um, what about somewhere like Florida. You ever been to Florida?

Carrie: Oh, baby! Have I, right girls? Oh, I was the queen of the Panhandle visiting my mom’s aunt Agnus. Michael, she is living the life. [Cut to Carrie] Her bed is in the living room. And it has a remote control. Oh, what? Am I dreaming? And she gave me a candy for every page of the bible that I read out loud to her. And do you know what it says in the bible? [Cut to Carrie and Michael Che] Michael… Michael… Jesus rode an ass. [laughing] That’s been getting me for days.

Michael Che: Well, Carrie, it sound like you had a great winter break.

Carrie: Well, not New Year’s eve.

Michael Che: Oh! Why didn’t you like New Year’s eve?

Carrie: Because my cousin gave me Mountain Dew soup, Michael.

Michael Che: What? Mountain Dew soup?

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Well, it’s Mountain Dew in a bowl that you eat with a spoon. And I had too much and then I ran into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Carrie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, no!

Carrie: Yeah. And then I barfed.

Michael Che: Carrie!

Carrie: And it was green so everyone called me Slimer.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody.

Carrie: Halsie gave me five bucks.

Weekend Update Mr. Peanut Dies

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Derek Jeter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Derek Jeter was voted in to the Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association who was one vote shy of unanimous decision. In case you’re wondering if Derek Jeter ever slept with a baseball writer’s wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a navy ship at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The US navy has for the first time ever named an aircraft carried in honor of an African-American sailor. And he must have been pretty brave joining the navy not knowing how to swim. I am just kidding. But the ship will be called ‘The USS guy from the village people’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop showing ‘XXX’ at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular porn website has suffered a massive data breach that exposed user’s identities and credit card numbers. “Wait, which porn site?” Said your husband just now?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of male and female sign at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new report. in 257 years, women around the world will be paid the same as men. So, stop complaining!

[Picture changes to Planters cartoon]

In a recent commercial, Planters peanuts announced that the company mascot Mr. Peanut has died. In accordance with his wishes he has been [Picture changes to peanut butter] cream-maded. Alright. I get that you like that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Gritty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Philadelphia are investigating claims that Flyers mascot Gritty punched a 13 year old boy in the back. But I just can’t picture Gritty doing something like that. I mean look at him, he wouldn’t punch a kid in the back. He’s more of a leap out of the shadow and stick you with a syringe kind of guy. You know?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A goat has been born in India with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. “Wow! Crazy! How did that happen?” said a lonely farmer. Whatever, man! Whatever.

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing and pointing at Michael Che]

Whatever.

Weekend Update Melissa Villaseñor on Oscar Snubs

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Guys, the Oscars nominations were announced last week and here to discuss her thoughts on these awards is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yay! Hi, Colin. Ah, I’m so excited for the Oscars this year. I think I have a really good chance to win.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m sorry. But, for what?

Melissa Villaseñor: My music. I wrote original songs for all the top movies. Like this one. Here’s my song for Joker. Hit it fellas

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Joker movie logo at left top corner.]

[music playing]

[singing] Joaquin Phoenix, skinny, skinny
laughs a lot but still so scary
dances on steps, goes stompy, stompy
puts a pillow over crazy mommy
but the thing that this movie is really about
is white male rage, white male rage
white male rage.. Joker!

[music stops]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Yea, that was great Melissa. I gotta say I don’t remember that song in Joker. And I watch that movie everyday while I work out.

Melissa Villaseñor: What a weirdo! Well, did you at lease like the song?

Colin Jost: I mean, I am no music critic but it seemed like it was just a description of the movie and then it took a weird turn into social commentary.

Melissa Villaseñor: Ah, thanks. Well, here’s another one. My song for The Irishman.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of The Irishman movie logo at left top corner.]

[same music playing]

[singing] This movie has a lots of offer
Al Pacino as Jimmy Hopper
Gangster life gets kinds messy
Robert De Niro and lil’ Joe Pesci
It’s three hours long, they’re old and they’re young
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage… Irishman!

[music stops]

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That was great, Melissa. That one definitely was not in the Irishman. And I should know. I watch that movie alone on Christmas day.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: So sad. Of course, none of these songs are in the movies, Colin. Here’s another one.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: How many more do you have?

Melissa Villaseñor: A whole bunch.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Melissa Villaseñor: But I’ll just combine them all, okay? Hit it boys.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Hollywood board at left top corner.]

[same music playing]

[singing] Manson Hitler, white male rage
World War I coz of white male rage
Little Women big performances
but Greta Gerwig snubbed coz of white male rage
Buzz and Woody had it again
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: See you at the Oscars.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Impeachment Trial Begins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of United States capital at left top corner.]

Guys! The impeachment trial started this week. Am I crazy or was Adam Schiff on my television for 100 hours straight? Even when I turned the TV off, there still was an outline of him burned into the screen. What happened was democrats spent three days laying out in great detail how they believe president Trump has been egregious abuser of power in American history. And then republicans laid out their defense, the shrug emoji.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an orphanage burn, Mitch McConnell defended his plan for the trial saying the country is waiting to see if we can rise to the occasion. I would maybe say you’re not rising to the occasion considering one senator fell asleep, Ran Paul was dong a crossword puzzle and some republican senators even brought fidget spinners to play with. I assume this symbolize how the founding fathers are spinning in their graves.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You better than Colin. I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day long Powerpoint. This was supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of Morey. There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated and republicans are still like, “But Morey, he loved me.” Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility, who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Lindsey Graham and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Lindsey Graham also said that president Trump was bored by the whole impeachment trial, which isn’t a surprise since Trump typically loses focus halfway through his own sentences. For example, here he is this week talking about Elon Musk.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking on CNBC interview]

Donald Trump: He’s also doing the rockets. He likes rockets. He does good at rockets too, by the way. And I was worried about him because he’s one of our great geniuses and we have to protect our geniuses. We have to protect Thomas Edison.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: We have to protect Thomas Edison? I think that’s a line Nick Cage yells in National Treasure.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden then rejected the idea of testifying in the impeachment trial saying, “I want no part of that.” While, his son Hunter Biden said, “Wait, how much does it pay?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and the logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I mean, maybe I’m paranoid but I’m starting to think democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. Coz every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “Oh, no. Don’t do that.” I mean, you’re telling me that United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world for like 100 years. We’re kind of famous for it. That’d be like Jamaica forgot how to unwind!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lev Parnas at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And now, a recording a service to president Trump telling adult cabbage patch doll Lev Parnas that he wanted the former ambassador to Ukraine fired. Here is the audio.

[Cut to president Trump’s subtitles to the recording]

Donald Trump: Get rid of her. Get her out tomorrow. I don’t care. Get her out tomorrow. Take her out. Okay?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Take her out? I would maybe choose the words more carefully when you’re talking to someone who looks like [Picture changes to Lev Parnas] a professional car bomber. Also, how was a random person able to secretly record the president on his phone. I mean they take a way your phone if you go to see Dave Chappelle do stand up.

And speaking of recordings, [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani] Rudy Giuliani on Friday launched a podcast called ‘Rudy Giuliani common sense’ in which he offers his defense of president Trump. It’s the first podcast ever recorded and uploaded accidentally from a pan’s pocket. The title of the first episode is, I swear to god, ‘Since no crimes exist, it must be dismissed.” And according to reviewers, Rudy was once highly regarded but now seems mildly retar– No, I can’t read that.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I would have said it!

Weekend Update Trump Acquitted

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

President Trump was acquitted in a senate trial this week and democrats are calling it a cover up. [Picture changes to Donald Trump having tan line on his face.] But does this look like a guy who can pull off a cover up? Oh, my god! It’s like the day at the nursing home when they let the residents put their own make up on?

[Picture chances to Donald Trump holding a newspaper]

President trump then spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast and held up a copy of a headline about his acquittal, I assume to prove the payers don’t work. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mitt Romney] Then he went and attacked Mitt Romney, a devoured mormon who voted to convict him. Trump said, “I don’t I don’t like people who use their faith as a justification for doing what they know is wrong.” At which point, even the leaders of National Prayer Breakfast were like, “Jesus Christ, dude!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump holding a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The day after the senate vote, president Trump gave a speech at the White House which he called the celebration. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to video clip of OJ Simpson’s reaction when the judge said he was not guilty.]

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Oh! That’s a wrong clip. Here’s the actual one.

[Cut to President trumps speech]

Donald Trump: Adam Schiff is a vicious horrible person. Nancy Pelosi is a horrible person. It was all bull [bleep]. When I fired that sleighs back, all hail broke out. “Well you tell me what did you say.” Boom, boom, boom. I wish you were here.

[Cut back to Michael Che]

Michael Che: At least he’s happy. The audience for Trump’s speech consisted of his legal team and republican law makers because I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a State of Union address, Trump gave a medal to Rush Limbaugh and celebrated the creating of space force. A moment that was predicted by MadLibs dated to 1992.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump on a podium]

Trump also railed against public schools calling them failing government schools. Okay, but you went to private school and you don’t even know where Kansas city is. Coz after the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump mistakenly tweeted, “Congratulations to the state of Kansas”, despite the fact that the Chiefs are from Kansas city, Missouri. Incidentally, Kansas also has the only Manhattan where Trump is still welcome.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rush Limbaugh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the State of the Union, president Trump in a touching moment awarded Rush Limbaugh the presidential medal of freedom. And then immediately after the speech in a more touching moment, Rush traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy. Now, look, say what you want about Rush Limbaugh…

[Michael Che is looking away.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh, that was it. During the State of Union, Trump also attacked California for refusing to cooperate with ICE agents saying this.

[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]

Donald Trump: The state of California passed an outrageous law declaring their whole state to be a skank-tuary for criminal, illegal immigrants.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a skank-tuary? Sounds like someone’s been listening to their old outcast albums. By the way, Mr. President, I’m just curious, what country are those skank-tuary cities in?

[Cut to Donald Trump giving speech]

Donald Trump: United States.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Iowa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: My god! It’s like Sean Connery. The results for the Iowa caucus were delayed after officials found inconsistencies due to a problem with a new voting app. So, I guess it’s no surprise that Iowa’s voters chose the candidate who looks like [Picture changes to Pete Buttigieg] the grandson that fixes your computer. This problematic voting app was developed by a company called Shadow Inc. Remember in 2016 primaries where the democrat’s main problem was transparency? And then this time they hired a company called Shadow Inc. That’s like losing half of your money in wire fraud and then putting everything you have left into something called Nigerian Prince National Bank.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Alexander Vindman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Lieutenant colonel Vindman who testified during president Trump’s impeachment trial was escorted from the White House and fired. Now, you might recall that Vindman received a purple heart due to a wound in combat while Trump has a purple heart because his blood type is hamburger grease.

Weekend Update New Shamrock Shake, Gritty Not Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of McDonald’s Oreo Shamrock shake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s announced a new Oreo Shamrock shake. Coincidentally, Oreo Shamrock is also what Colin calls Obama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: You remember it.

[There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani posing with bull fighters at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A photo from Lev Parnas’s phone was releases showing Rudy Giuliani posing with two bull fighters in Spain. And I think it’s little on the nose that Giuliani is literally holding up red flags.

[Picture changes to map of California state and a school building]

California is considering stopping physical fitness tests in schools over concerns that they lead to bullying and body shaming. So, good job getting gym canceled you fat losers!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Michigan State University logo and dolls display at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] The Michigan State University gift shop was forced to remove a display of dolls depicting black historical figures hanging from a rack. Worse, they were being sold for 3/5th the regular price. That’s just a good math and history joke. The school says they’ve since moved the dolls to more appropriate secured display case. [The picture changes to the dolls inside a prison]

[Michael Che is laughing hard]

[Picture changes to a news article that says ‘Porn star records sex video at gas station’.]

A gas station in Milwaukee may lose it’s business license after it was discovered that a male porn star recorded a sex video there. Even sadder, it was self pump!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mascot Gritty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] The Philadelphia flyers Mascot Gritty has been cleared of accusations that he punched a 13 year old boy. He’s being cleared and in return Gritty has agreed not to blow up the hospital.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to stitching yarn.]

Researchers say that they’ve developed a new way to stitch wounds together using a type of yarn made from human skin. They also say where they got the yarn made from human skin isn’t important. Incidentally yarn made from human skin is what Gritty is made of.