Tag: Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Middle East map at left top corner.]

This week, ISIS, destroyed priceless artwork in Mosul, recruited even more teenagers and delivered a devastating psychological attack that made us question everything we believe in.

[Picture changes to a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold.]

Is it white and gold? It’s white and gold, right? Look at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Che, what do you think?

Michael Che: I don’t care, man! At all.

Colin Jost: I mean, it’s crazy. I mean, have you ever seen two groups of people look at the exact same image and have two totally different opinions about it?

Michael Che: Yeah, I remember one time.

[Cut to a picture of Barack Obama looking fair.]

Hey, what color is that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a speech this week Hilary Clinton stressed the need for compromise in Washington. Saying she hopes to lead the country into “A warm purple space.” Which is the same line Grimace uses to get you into his [Picture changes to a cartoon Grimace and a delivery van] windowless van.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Obama this week vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline which was only the third veto he has issued as president. The used the other two to shut down proposed extensions of [Picture changes to Joe Biden smiling under blanket fort] Joe Biden’s White House Blanket Fort.

[Picture changes to Islamic flag and two teenage girls]

British authorities are saying there is a disturbing trend of upper class teenage girls running away from home to join ISIS. Damn, first Brooklyn, now ISIS. Rich girls with gentrify anything. ISIS is only a Trader Joe’s away from being the first terror group dismantled by a rent increase. Though, I am looking forward to the inevitable new face of ISIS, [Picture changes to Iggy Aalea wearing hijab. Her name is written as ‘Iggy Al-Zalea’ in the banner behind her] ‘Iggy Al-Zalea. Showing all the Grammy’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in twentysixteen. “Great”, said his interviewer. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at the cash counter of grocery store.] “But my question was, paper or plastic?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, marijuana is the safest recreational drug people can use. “Huh, interesting”, said a million black dudes in jail for marijuana.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog on a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that half of the dogs in the US are overweight. Which explains why the most popular breed in America is the type type 2 dia-beagle.

[Picture changes to a calendar of the month February.]

It’s February which means it’s black history month. A time when post offices release special stamps as a tribute to great people of color. Famous black heroes like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, [Picture changes to Panthro comic character] Panthro, etc. etc. But this year, I’d like to see stamps of lesser known black heroes that history books may have forgotten. I mean we all know Thurgood Marshall, the first black member of the Supreme Court. But do you know PJ Morton? The first black member of Maroon 5? He could use a stamp. There’s a stamp for Crispus Attucks, the first American to die in revolutionary war. But what about the stamp for Crispus Attucks’s mother? The first black woman to name her son Chrispus!

Of course we all know Jackie Robinson, the first African American in major league baseball. But do you know Johnny Keys, the first black man in interracial porno? I know what you’re thinking, but could you imagine what Johnny Keys had to go through in those days? I mean, Jackie Robinson got death threats and he was just playing baseball with white people. Johnny Keys should be on every stamp. And while we’re giving out stamps, how about Maury Povich? I know he is white. But he has brought more black families together than anyone I can think of. [There’s a picture of Maury Povich’s TV show] And he set more black men free than Abraham Lincoln himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sam smith and Tom Petty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Sam Smith has agreed to pay Tom Petty royalties for his hit song ‘Stay With Me’ due to it’s resemblance to Petty’s song ‘I won’t back down’. While Petty has agreed to pay royalties to Disney due to his resemblance to [Picture changes to Tom Petty and cartoon Jiminy Cricket] Jiminy Cricket.

[Picture changes to Disney cartoon]

Disney this week unveiled Elena, it’s first Latina princess. Oh, sure, but when I call someone a Latina princess, I’m “ruining the quinceanera”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Court and a bat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How many quinceanera are you going to, man? People fled a courtroom in Arkansas after more than 30 bats flew inside during the trial. “Uh, that doesn’t not look good for me”, said the woman on trial for witchcraft.

[Picture changes to Hershey’s milk chocolate]

The Hershey company has announced that it has purchased Krave Pure Foods which makes beef jerky. Hershey made the purchase while drunk at a gas station.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A cat who was buried by it’s owner after it was hit by a car dug it’s way out of the grave and returned to it’s owner five days later. That story again, a lady found a cat that looked like her old cat.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Mitt Romney announced Friday that he would not be running in the 2016  presidential race. [audience applaud] To which republicans responded, [in soft voice] “No, please, no. Okay.”

[Picture changes to Raul Castro]

Cuban’s Raul Castro has demanded that if the US wants to restore full diplomatic relations, it must return control of Guantanamo bay to Cuba. And I’m guessing, we’re not getting back [Picture changes to people held in prison.] our security deposit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia flag.]

Michael Che: President Obama defended the need for the US to maintain a closer lines with Saudi Arabia despite the country’s poor human rights record. But I get what Obama’s doing. You see, oil is our drug and Saudi Arabia is our dealer. And you can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer. Coz I mean, like most drug dealers, Saudi Arabia is a little sketchy and he has some strange opinions on politics and women, but you listen to him anyway. And you should, coz he’s got that loud sticky icky oil. It ain’t easy to find.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has filed paperwork to form a political action committee which is step one, toward a possible presidential campaign. However, Christie maintains as step zero on his fitbit.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was noted this week that the acronym for Chris Christie’s new political action committee, LeadershipMattersForAmerica.Org spells out the internet slang, LMFAO. Not to be confused with Joe Biden’s slogan, [Picture changes to Joe Biden with his slogan acronym ‘DTF’] Deliver The future.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl]

During the Super Bowl on Sunday, the NFL will show it’s first anti-domestic violence PSA. Hey, that’s smart. Show at the one time NFL players can’t watch it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Benedict Cumberbatch apologize for comments he made during an interview in which he referred to black actors as colored. In fairness, the interview was with ‘Just Between You and Me’ magazine.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of USA map and bed bugs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to an annual ranking by Orkin Pest Control, the places in America with the worst bed bug problems Chicago, Detroit and your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of replay sign at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The inventor of the instant replay died this week at the age of 81. Let’s see that again.

[Cut to the instant replay of what Colin just said in slow motion. He then gets hit by a football.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ireland flag and LGBTQ rainbow colors at left top corner.]

Ireland’s minister of health this week announced that he is gay. Becoming the first openly gay government figure in Irish history. Of course in Ireland, gay just means you have less than eight kids.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cake being decorated at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of a bakery was sued after she refused the customers request to write “God hates homosexuality” on a cake. “Alright, then change it to ‘I’m running for President'” said Rick Santorum. [Picture changes to Rick Santorum.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnny Depp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Johnny Depp this week criticized actors who become musicians saying the whole idea makes him sick. Depp believes that only other thing an actor should become is [Picture changes to Johnny Depp’s picture where he is wearing a lot of scarfs] a french scarf monster.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with 1. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: It was announced that Pope Francis will visit New York city in September and hold a mass in Madison Square Garden. Because the pope always tries to go where [Picture changes to New York Knicks logo] people are suffering the most.

[Cut to 2. there’s a picture of Saudi Arabia flag at right top corner.[

Speaker 2: King Abdul of Saudi Arabia died this week at the age of 90 after he was run over by a terrible woman driver.

[Picture changes to Nicholas Cage and Osama Bin Laden.]

Riblet everybody!

It was announced this week that Nicholas Cage will star in a movie about irregular guy who goes on a hunt for Osama Bin Laden. It’s called, “The Nicholas Cage Story.”

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of calendar marking January twentyfirst at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: This Wednesday was National Hug Day. Dad?

[Picture changes to doctor’s apron and stethoscope.]

A teenage in Florida has been caught posing as a gynecologist for over a month. Patients became suspicious when he began every appointment by asking, “Where is it?”

[Cut to 2. There is a picture of handcuffed hands at top right corner.]

Speaker 2: a New Hampshire man was arrested for child endangerment after he left his twin nine year old nephews home alone for days at a time. Said the twin, “We used to be triplets.”