Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Indiana state and LGBTQ rainbow color.]

The governor of Indiana has signed a new law allowing businesses to turn away gay and lesbian customers saying it’s their part of their religious freedom. You’ll be able to tell which stores are supporting the new law, because they’ll have these helpful little signs. [Picture changes to a sign that says, “Going out of business!”]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

The head of the house committee investigated the Benghazi attacks said Friday that Hillary Clinton wiped her personal email server clean, permanently deleting all her emails. So, at least one Clinton has learned how to wipe something clean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colombian flag and a DEA badge.]

Michael Che: A new Justice Department report claims that the American DEA agents in Columbia participated in sex parties with prostitutes hired by drug cartels. In response to this incredibly irresponsible behavior, the agents have been promoted to Secret Service!

[Picture changes to Ted Cruz]

During senator Ted Cruz’s speech announcing his run for president, he repeatedly asked voters to imagine the country what it would look like with him as it’s leader. And he repeatedly asked voters to stop laughing. He was serious. He could win.

[Picture changes to Harry Reid]

Friday, senator Harry Reid said that he came to his decision to not run for re-election while he was recovering from his exercising accident. That’s right, an exercising accident. And definitely not roughed off by senate badass, [Picture changes to Mitch McConnell smoking wearing a leather jacket.] Mitch McConnell.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Dating in New York

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, dating is very complicated wherever you live. But specially here in New York city. Here to offer her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woooo!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you Colin. Nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Very nice to have you back, Leslie. Now, tell us. Is it hard dating in New York?

Leslie Jones: Man, everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold, Colin? Why?

Colin Jost: I think coz it’s winter.

Leslie Jones: Don’t be cute with me you frosty ass snowman. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of walking, Jost.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Good transition.

Leslie Jones: I gotta stretch before I go to a store. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And y’all New Yorkers, y’all don’t know how to get directions. Yeah, yeah, “A couple of blocks.” It’s 5 miles! I was supposed to meet a man at a restaurant that one of you New Yorkers said it’s couple of blocks away, and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in ‘Shining’. Don’t ‘couple of blocks’ me no more. These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than blocks, father? I’ve been on 5th avenue for ten hours. When is it gonna turn to 6th?

And stop trying to explain this east, west stuff to me, okay? Coz I’m not gonna get it. “If you get to 6th street, you’re on the west.” [yelling] I’m not gonna get it! The last east, west stuff I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.

And the subway? Subway just nasty. I was standing on a subway platform on a date and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill everybody! That rat faeces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date– my date– This guy who I thought I liked is standing there like, “Ooh! Doesn’t the breeze feel good?” [yelling] No! Shut up! We just died here! We just got rat AIDS.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Couple of problems with rat AIDS.

Leslie Jones: And you know what? You know what? In here, I got to compete with these white beautiful New York bitches. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And none of y’all scared of me. At all! I used to be able to scare the hell out of a white girl in LA. Just walk up to them, give my best Compton stare. Not out here! You white bitches are strong. I bumped into a white girl on a train and I was like, “Yo! Yo! What’s up?” And she was like, “Yeah, bitch? What? What?” I was like, “Oh, my god! I am so sorry.” She turned me into the white girl, Jost.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Damn!

Leslie Jones: Shut up! Don’t you ever say that again!

Colin Jost: I won’t. Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] It’s cold!

Weekend Update Girl at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was reported today that Boko Haram has joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS. Here with her thoughts on the subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at the party.

[The girl slides in]

The girl: Alright Michael. Thank me for having you back.

Michael Che: Thank– Alright, sure. Whatever. So, what do you think about this Boko Haram situation?

The girl: What do I think about it? [Cut to The girl] I think it is inexcusitive, okay? It’s a cardastrophy! It’s unremaginable! Just look at the sadistics, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

For every 10 people, there are 20 people. And what? We’re just supposed to give them all the death penalty? No! Like, American needs to grow up. But also, it needs to look like 15 years younger.

[Cut to The girl using her mobile phone]

I just friended you. Accept me.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. Is this still about Boko Haram?

The girl: Open your eyes, Michael. Measles, Ebola, charter school. Sometimes I’m like, Salami Hussain was right. [Cut to The girl] And then healthcare? Everyone’s talking about HMOs. Um, how about just calling them gay people?

[Cut to The girl Michael Che and The girl]

Michael Che: Okay, I don’t think anyone is following what the hell you are sayin.

The girl: Michael! How would you feel if I went into your neighborhood and burned your house down?

Michael Che: I’d feel bad.

The girl: Exactly! And that’s exactly how they feel.

Michael Che: Who?

The girl: Fires! [Cut to The girl] If you took all the homeless women in the world and set them on top of each other, pffft. Zynga, Michael. Zynga.

[Cut to Michael Che and The girl]

So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright, fine! Fine. I need to give you this thing my friend Rhodney printed out. It’s a map quest directions. Like, nobody knows where it leads.

Michael Che: It says it on here. It’s direction to Forever 21.

The girl: By the way, Michael, what are you doing for spring break?

Michael Che: Oh, I might go to Puerto Rico.

The girl: Oh, I’m bringing democracy to Syria. Via Instagram. Oh look, it’s Karina. Karina! Are you dancing? Oh, she’s having a tiny seizure.

Michael Che: Okay, I think you just need to go.

The girl: Yeah! Actually, I do need to go Michael. Coz some of us are actually solving progress. [audience laughing] Coz if we don’t, in 800 years our children won’t even be alive. So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright. Now, close your eyes. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open them. [Michael Che opens his eyes] Close them. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open just the left. [Michael Che opens his left eye] Wink at me. [Michael Che winks at The girl] Congratulations, that’s assault.

Michael Che: The girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation at the party, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jordan.]

Michael Che: Still scares the hell out of me. This year, Michael Jordan was added to Forbes magazine’s list of billionaires. Forbes also added Scotty Pittman to their list of people who sell [Picture changes to Scott Pittman showing the Forbes magazine] Forbes Magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Justin Bieber on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old but his mustache thinks he turned 13.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Potential republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice because many people go to prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay. Kind of like how in that last sentence, Dr. Carson went in as a neurosurgeon and came out as a complete idiot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice. Carson made the comments to himself over and over in the men’s locker room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dr. Ben Carson, a candidate for president said that homosexuality is a choice. Unfortunately for him, so are elections.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sorry. I guess we were piling on a little bit there.

Michael Che: A little bit.

Colin Jost: This just ends. Dr. Ben Carson, [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson] a candidate for president is no longer candidate for president.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana and cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctor– No, I’m just kidding. [audience laughing] Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug in his car inside a container that was marked, “Not weed”. It was marked “Not weed”. The police pulled him in over after he sped by their car which was also marked “Not police”. [Picture changes to a car that looks exactly like a cop car but it has ‘Not Police’ written on it.]

[Picture changes to a bottle.]

Scientists have discovered a 170 years old beer in a shipwreck off the coast of Finland, opened two of the bottles and drank them. At which point they made another discovery, they’re both alcoholics.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paxil medicine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, the anti-depressant Paxil may also be capable of treating heart disease. Which explains Paxil’s new slogan, “Paxil, maybe this is what it does?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a little boy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, about fifteen% of two year olds in Boston drink as much as four ounces of coffee a day. But Boston kids need that coffee to help them get through their hangovers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: You know, I like that joke. I feel like you get all the fun jokes.

Michael Che: Oh, stop it.

Colin Jost: No, I’m serious. Sometimes I wish I could do your jokes instead.

Michael Che: Alright. You can take my next one if you want to.

Colin Jost: You sure? You don’t mind?

Michael Che: I don’t care.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a scale at left top corner.]

A new report reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 36 inches.

Michael Che: Wait a minute.

Colin Jost: 3.6. I never saw this before. 3.6, that’s more reasonable. [audience laughing] A guy can dream.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: See? My jokes are harder to read. [laughing]

Colin Jost: And, let me just say, as a man with extremely small penis– okay.

Michael Che: No, no. Keep going, keep going.

Colin Jost: I feel very bad for myself and my tinsy winsy peensy.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was great job, man.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks man. I don’t even understand. How is that even a joke?

Michael Che: Well, its a joke when I read it because I don’t have a tiny penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s 36 inches.

Michael Che: It was. [Michael Che laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that New York city rats contain flees that are capable of transmitting bubonic plague. It’s a rare black eye for the otherwise sterling reputation of the flees of New York city rats.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Department of Justice logo at right top corner.]

According to a Justice Department report on Ferguson police, African American’s make up 93% of all arrest in the city. 93%? That is high. It’s only 92% in Nigeria. 93% means, if 92 people get arrested in Ferguson, 9 of them are black and one of them is kind of beige. I wanna know what did the 7% of white people get arrested for? What was it? Not arresting enough black people?

The review found that 88% of the cases involving the use of force were against African Americans. Black residents say they found the police report almost as shocking as they found the police tasers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hillary Clinton tweeted this week that she has asked the State Department to release all of her emails from her years as Secretary of State. No word yet on the identity of the lucky individual who has to read through 50,000 emails from a grandma. I’m just excited because based on the emails I get from my grandma, there’s gonna be some pretty interesting stuff about Obama.

[Picture changes to an email where subject is as “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: KENYAN:”.]

[Picture changes to Benjamin Netanyahu]

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address congress about the threat from Iran. And he left as the front runner for the 2016 republican nomination.

[Picture changes to an airplane]

A Delta airplane skidded off a snowy runway while landing at New York’s Laguardia airport slamming through a fence and almost falling into the bay. But the good news is, [Picture changes to a pilot with a glass of whiskey] the pilot didn’t even spill his drink. Afterwards, passengers were safely removed from the airplane, at which point Delta charged them $45 crash survival fee.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow in the shape of the dress to represent affairs with Monica Lewinsky. Also, it’s suttle, but if you look very closely at the painting, you can see that Clinton is not wearing pants.

Weekend Update Ruth Bader Ginsberg

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: In a recent interview, 81 year old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg stated she has no intentions of retiring even though she is the oldest judge on the bench. Here now to comment is Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Woo! RBG in the house. Weekend Update, 2015, oh yeah!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, welcome. You seem very spry for 81.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, you’d be spry too if you had my morning routine. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] 100 pushups, 100 laps in the bathtub, and then I do my P90X where I pee 90 times. You know, I might be the oldest judge on the bench, but that doesn’t mean I’m the closest to death. Have you seen Justice Scalia? It looks like he’s permanently hooked up to an IV bag of ball in the ice. Huh! Hey, Scalia, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost. Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing again.]

Colin Jost: Justice Ginsburg, I gotta say that’s pretty harsh coming from you.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Yeah, I’m like a horsefly. You know, I bite hard and I look like a horsefly.

Colin Jost: Now, what about the State of the Union where you were caught sleeping?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: No, I wasn’t sleeping. I was giving in to the weight of my glasses.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg lower’s her head and sleeps]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, sorry. Um, Justice Ginsburg?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? Oh, no. I’m sorry. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I was having a disgusting dream about Bruno Mars. He was Up Town Funking me.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! No, no, no. No, no, no.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I know it’s short, but I like my men like I like my decisions. Five-four. That’s a third degree Ginsburned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: Jutice Ginsburg, come on! You know?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Colin, you know what? I’m living every 81 year old’s dream. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I get paid to sit on a bench all day and judge people. But, you know how weird it is to be 81 years old and actually have people listen to what you say?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Okay, well the Chief Justice of Alabama actually said he won’t listen to your ruling on marriage equality.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Uh! [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] I expect that from Alabama, you know? They never recognize the ruling on incest either. The verdict is in, you’ve been Ginsburned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancng]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! Oh, no, no, no, no. RBG! RBG!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: What? Look! It doesn’t matter what Alabama does, okay? [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg] Coz when I get a hold of that gay marriage ban, ouf! It’s gonna fall faster than Madonna at the Brit Awards! They say justice is blind but anybody can see, Ya-burned!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing]

Colin Jost: No! Ruth Bader Ginsburg, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a haunted mansion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A haunted ten bedroom mansion in Staten Island has been–

Male voice: [interrupting the news] Psst! Hey yo, Che!

Michael Che: [ignoring] — hold on sale for over $two million.

[Riblet is standing behind the camera]

Riblet: Yo Che! Come on, the boys are in the court! Come on man!

Michael Che: What are you doing, man? We are live right now.

[Riblet turns around and looks at cameras]

Riblet: Are we live? Yo, from New York? [Riblet runs to Michael Che behind the desk] Oh, yo! Introduce me, Che! Yo, come on! Don’t be a rude dude! What’s going down?

Michael Che: This is my buddy from high school, Riblet.

Riblet: Yeah! It’s Riblet baby!

Michael Che: Riblet, I told you last time. Please don’t bother me when I’m working, man!

Riblet: Oh, wow! Oh, so now I’m bothering you? Whilst you are working? Because it looks like you just sitting, Che!

Michael Che: I am not just sitting. I am working hard!

Riblet: Oh, please! [Cut to Riblet] I work at Friendly’s, boo! And I run Star Wars tribute night. What does that mean? I don’t work hord? I’m confused.

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s exactly what it means. You don’t work hord. This is not easy, Riblet!

Riblet: Oh! Oh, but Michael, it is baby! Even Riblet can do you jorb. Check-check-check it out.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of eyelash at right top corner.]

{Reading news] A new study shows that humans have long eyelashes to keep their eyes from drying out. While a similar study shows that humans have fake eyelashes to let you know they nasty.

Oh! Shots fired!

[Cut to Riblet and Michael Che]

Oh, now tell me what Chewbacca’s real name is. Oh, you don’t know? It’s Peter Mayhew. I guess you don’t work as hord.

Michael Che: Riblet, just because you know the guy inside Chewbacca’s costume–

Riblet: That’s a costume? I thought that was a real monkey.

Michael Che: Yes. But, can you get out of here so I can finish, please?

Riblet: Oh, I’m sorry Che. Am I being a nuisance? Or what? You can’t finish unless Riblet is waiting in a cor? Come on, man. Well, break a news sucker!

Michael Che: Again?

[Cut to Riblet.There’s a picture of J.K. Simmons at right top corner.]

[Reading news] In his acceptance speech for best supporting actor, J.K. Simmons urged everyone watching to take their time to call their mother. And if you can’t find your mama’s number, Che, I know I got it! Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Coz I’m the Ribita-ribita-ribita-Riblet! Now, tell me C-3PO’s real name. Oh, you didn’t know that? It’s Anthony Daniel. So, who’s smorter now?

Michael Che: I’m smorter. Alright, look, just because–

Riblet: I don’t believe you, Che!

Michael Che: Just because you know the guy and C-3PO’s costume–

Riblet: [yelling] That’s a costume too? There’s no way. That’s a skinny robit! How’s that possible?

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m just saying. There’s a lot more to this job–

Riblet: Jorb! It’s jorb.

Michael Che: — than being smart and knowing Star Wars stuff and telling jokes. You have to look nice, okay? You need a news anchor suit.

Riblet: Oh, what? I don’t look nice? Or what? I don’t look awesome? Ayo, Dan. Can I get a single on camera three homie? Please?

[Riblet opens his jacket. He has a suit on inside.]

Real quick, here we go. And, yoinks!

[Riblet takes his wig off.

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold at right top corner.]

[cheers and applause]

Now, I don’t know what you see when you look at this picture. But when I look at this picture, [Picture changes to Michael Che] I see black and jorbless. Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet. A delivery boy comes in.]

Delivery boy: I have a package for Riblet.

Riblet: I’m Riblet.

Delivery boy: Okay. Here we go. Thank you. Oh, a package?

[Cut to Riblet. He’s opening the package.] Let’s see what we got here. Alright. OH, how nice?

[Riblet takes a mic out of the box and drops it on the table.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Kanye West Apologizes

Colin Jost

Kanye West… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Kanye West made a public apology to Beck on twitter writing “I would like to publicly apologize to Beck, I’m sorry Beck.” Here to explain what he wrote is Kanye West.

[Kanye West slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Kanye West: Hah! What’s good SNL? All y’all are diamonds.

Colin Jost: Okay, thank you very much. Well, thank you for being here, Kanye. You okay?

Kanye West: Listen, I’m good fam. You know, I always sound like I’m out breath. You know, coz my thoughts are constantly running. [Kanye West breathes heavily]

Colin Jost: Got you, yes. Well, you know, it’s not often we see you apologize. Specially in public. So, this seems like a new side of you.

Kanye West: That’s right, Colin. It’s all about apologies. You know? [Cut to Kanye West] Yeah! So, first of all, I wanna say that it was wrong of me not to come to rehearsal today. So, I wrote an apology. Well, actually, I will do it off the top of my head.

I would like to apologize to Colin Jost.

[Cut to Kanye West and Colin Jost]

[yelling at Colin Jost] I’m sorry, Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. I accept your apology.

Kanye West: [loud voice] No question, fam! My apology is on the level of Jesus. Hah! And right now, I just wanna get a greatest apology of all time, fam!

Colin Jost: Okay, that sounds great.

Kanye West: It is, fam. Drop that!

[Hiphop beat playing]

[Kanye West gets a mic]

[A girl comes close to Kanye dancing.]

[rapping] I’m sorry

[The girl starts singing in the background]

I got so many things to apologize for, so buckle up
I’m sorry
those Llamas that escaped from my private menagerie
I’m sorry
that I saw my own shadow that’s six more weeks of winne
I’m sorry
to the movie Selma for thinking that song Glory was all about me
I’m sorry
On this day, I turn a new leaf
I apologize to everyone
from the latest to the haters
to the waiter who took my order
when I said, “I’ll have a Kanye once.”
to all that I missed, over the years I dissed
and still getting killed for what I said to Taylor Swift
for shifting the blame, for taking your claim
for giving my baby North a directional name
I’m sorry
that I asked Apple to autocorrect the word Beck to Beyonce
I’m sorry
to Michael Keaton, I should have voted for you for the best acted instead of my self
I’m sorry
that this incredible apology is setting a bar too high for anybody else
I’m sorry

This has been the greatest apology of all time, fam! Ain’t it Colin? Hah?

Colin Jost: Yes, very humble. Kanye West, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a map picture of Ohio and a glass of water at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At this year’s international water tasting contest, Hamilton, Ohio won for having the best tasting water. While the town with the worst tasting water is Dookieville, Illinois.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Pennsylvania college student has made a fully functional Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes and baseball bats. He’s just like the real Batman, except his parents only wish they were dead.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That si good.

[Picture changes to a file of research]

Colin Jost: New research suggest that people with attention deficit disorder are twice as likely to die at a younger age. Boring! On to the next story! Ow, my chest hurts!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a marijuana and paints at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So dumb! A new art class is being offered in Colorado which people openly smoke marijuana and paint. The class is called ‘Every Art Class’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Seattle and an egg on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Seattle say a woman was knocked unconscious after she was hit by an egg thrown from a car that sped away. So, she never even heard the driver’s warning to [Picture changes to a rooster driving a car] stay out of chicken town.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Chris Brown at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chris Brown was forced to cancel upcoming concerts in Montreal and Toronto after being denied entry in Canada. But, hey, Chris, don’t beat yourself up over this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pope Francis and a Mexican flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mexican officials are upset with Pope Francis after he said he was concerned about the increased drug trafficking in his native Argentina, calling it Mexicanization. Pope Francis later apologized calling his comment “As dumb as a Guatemalan.”

[Picture changes to two Llamas]

Authorities in Arizona spent nearly two hours chasing a pair of Llamas through the streets after they escaped from a petting zoo. But thankfully, this story has a happy ending. No one was hurt and Llamas were safely returned to their prison of unwanted touching.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alex Rodriguez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alex Rodriguez reported to Yankeez spring training this week after completing his 162 game suspension. “You know, it feels good to be back at work”, said A Rod’s steroid dealer.