Weekend Update: Florida Voting Rights Initiative | Season 44 Episode 2

Host 1…..Micheal Che

Host 2…..Colin Jost

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of Florida inside the prison with a tag ‘FELON VOTING RIGHTS’ in the right top corner] A new initiative is on the ballot in Florida this November that would restore voting rights to people with felony convictions. I think this is a very important issue, especially when you consider the millions of black and brown men that have been unfairly incarcerated and should have the right to vote. Now, if you disagree with me, let me remind you, [top right corner picture changes to Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] it’s a very scary time for young men in America. You can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of. See, it’s a good line.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Arizona and cake with a tag ‘FIRE DAMAGE’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: And Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don’t know the gender, but we do know who’s getting custody.

(Sorry.)

[top left corner picture changes to a goat with colorful horns with a tag ‘PARTY GOATS’]

A popular new trend in Los Angeles are Party Goats which are goats that are brought to parties and jump on people’s backs. Meanwhile, in China, a popular new trend is studying math and science.

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a white bottle of whiskey with Game of Thrones theme with a tag ‘NEW WHISKEY in the right top corner] The makers of Johnny Walker are introducing a series of whiskey inspired by Game of Thrones. The whiskeys are so strong that you’ll forget she’s your aunt.

[Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of barber seat with a tag ‘ 8-YEAR-OLD BARBER’ at top left corner]

Colin Jost: An eight-year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood and guess what? [top left corner picture changes to a picture of a young girl cutting a young boy’s hair messed up] They suck.

[top left corner picture changes to a picture of two penguins with a tag ‘ABDUCT BABY PENGUIN’]

A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. [top left corner picture changes to a screenshot of grandma’s email] This according to an e-mail from my grandma titled “FW: FW: FW: What Obama Did.”

Michael Che: [Michael Che with a picture of a Starbucks logo with a tag ‘BARISTAS COMPLAIN’ in the right top corner] Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores every day by drug users. Meanwhile, over at 7ELEVEN, [top right corner picture changes to a picture of 7Eleven coffee being stirred by medical needle] they’re using them as stirrers.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on Kanye West | Season 44 Episode 2

Host…..Colin Jost

Guest…..Pete Davidson

[Colin Jost on the News table speaking]

Colin Jost: Last week Kanye West performed on the show and afterwards gave an unplanned speech to the audience in support of Donald Trump. Here with his reaction to Kanye Speech is Pete Davidson.

[Cheers and applause, Pete Davidson slides into the cut on a chair]

Pete Davidson: First off, [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] a lot of people thought Che should be the one to talk about Kanye but we discussed it, you know. [Cut to Michael Che] Che is black, but I’m crazy [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] and we both know which side of Kanye is at the wheel right now. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So off to a good start. So speaking strictly for myself, what Kanye said after he went off the air last week was one of the worst, most awkward thing I’ve ever seen here. And I’ve seen Checy chase speak to an intern. And we all had to stand behind him and here’s what it looked like.

[Cut to Kanye West with his Trump ‘Make America Great Again’ red hat saying “That inspires me]

So I’m on the left, I’m like, “Oh God!” [Everything is darkened out but Pete Davidson trying to hide from the camera] And then I’m like, “I want a career”, [Cut to many people on stage and focusing on Pete Davison hiding and leaving the stage] so I leave. [Cut to Pete Davidson on the news table.] [Crowd Laughs]

No, not necessary.

So Kanye was wearing a MAGA hat (Make America Great Again). That’s what it’s called. It’s stupid. Yeah. And he started by saying people backstage tried to bully him into not wearing it. He wore it all week, like, nobody told him not to wear it. I wish I bullied you. I wish I would have suggested that you know, it might upset some people like your wife or every black person ever. You know? I wish someone bullied me into not wearing this hat. [Cut to a picture of Pete Davidson wearing a pink hat on the streets] [Crowd laughs] [Cut to Pete Davidson on the news table]

Can you imagine that that t-shirt was the second stupidest thing I was wearing that day?

[Cut the same picture of Pete Davidson wearing a pink hat, the t-shirt says “BATHING APE”] [Crowd laughs]

Then Kanye said that Democrats broke up black families with welfare and that slavery is not real. You know how wrong about politics you have to be for me to notice? You know how annoying that is? Kanye is a genius but a musical genius. You know, like Joey Chestnut is a hot dog eating genius. But I don’t want to hear Joey Chestnut’s opinion about things that aren’t hot dog related.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Yes, there you go. I agree.

Pete Davidson: Thank you.

[Cheers and applauses] [Cut to Pete Davidson] Thanks, guys. Like Kanye, I know you’re like, “Yo, this is the real me. I’m off the meds.” Take them! There’s no shame in the medicine game.  I’m on them. It’s great. Take them. There’s nothing wrong with taking them. If I ever got on the plane and the pilot said, “I just want all of you to know, this is the real me flying,” I’d jump out. Being mentally ill is not an excuse to act like a jackass, okay? I’m quoting my therapist, my mom, and my mailman. Sorry, Carl.

But no, seriously, one time I stopped taking my meds, and I bit my mom. No, it’s all good. I bought her a house.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] All right. So is there anything Kanye could do to win you back?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, there is, and I’ll tell you the way that Kanye understands. I made this. Make Kanye 2006 again. [Cut to Pete Davidson wears red hat that looks like Trump’s MAGA hat, but it said “Make Kanye 2006 Again”] We want the old Kanye.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone. Drop that album. Where’s that album?

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Where’s that album?

Weekend Updates: Weekend Update: Senate Confirms Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court | Season 44 Episode 2

Anchor 1…..Colin Jost

Anchor 2…..Michael Che

[Intro video of Weekend Update playing]

Voiceover: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che sitting on the News Table]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to weekend update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Collin Jost.

[Cut to Collin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh’s picture on the top left corner]

Colin Jost: Just hours ago, the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the supreme court with a vote of 50-48. 50 is the lowest number of votes. The lowest number of votes for a justice in history, but keep in mind it’s also the most yeses Kavanaugh has ever heard.

Listen, even if you look past Dr. Ford’s testimony which many people seem to have no trouble doing, Kavanaugh did a bunch of disqualifying just this past week. He basically lied under oath at a job interview to become a judge. That’s like cheating on your wife during your wedding. And then after he went full “Do you know who my father is?” at the confirmation hearing, he had to publish an apology letter in the Wall Street Journal [The picture in the top left corner changes to The Wall Street Journal article] which is something AA calls Step Nine. In that OP-ED, Kavanaugh vowed he would be a quote “Open Minded Judge.” I actually think he will be open-minded because you’ve got to be pretty open-minded to try a devil’s triangle. [The picture in the top left corner changes to White House with a tag ‘LIMITED INVESTIGATION’] And this is all following an FBI investigation which honestly didn’t seem super thorough. He’s what a law and order episode on this investigation would look like.

[Cut to two detectives inside an investigation room talking to a suspect]

Female Detective: We found your fingerprints on a handle of the cabinet underneath the kitchen sink.

The suspect: [Cut to the suspect denying the accusation] I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Female Detective: [Cut to the female detective] Well you’re free to go.

[Cut to Credit screen with only one credit, ‘Executive Producer – Dick Wolf]

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh with a Department of Justice logo and a tag ‘FBI INVESTIGATION’] Yes, that FBI investigation was quite ridiculous, but my question is for the five out of six Republican women that voted for Kavanaugh. [The top right corner picture changes to five republican females] So are you all like, hostages? This feels like one of those horror movies where white ladies in love with the monster but doesn’t know it. And all the black people watching are like, “Oh Megan, you’re about to get ate.” This is not good for any of us. And I say us because if these Republicans don’t care about you, oh they definitely don’t care about me, if a white lady in tears can’t get justice then there’s no hoe for my black ass in Jordans.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of Brett Kavanaugh on the top left corner with a tag ‘DEMOCRATS CALL HIM “EVIL”’] I’m also angry at Democrats like Cory Booker who came out and called Brett Kavanaugh evil when his nomination was first announced. Then when he was accused of actual evil they had nowhere to go.

[Top left corner picture changes to a picture OJ commercial] It’s like seeing OJ doing a Hertz commercial in the 80’s and saying this is the worst thing he’ll ever do.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I heard the president say on TV that quote, [Cut to the written quote] “IT’S A SCARY TIME FOR YOUNG MEN IN AMERICA WHEN YOU CAN BE GUILTY OF SOMETHING THAT YOU MAY NOT BE GUILTY OF.”

[Cut to Michael CheYeah with a picture of Donald Trump with a tag ‘SCARY TIME’] I don’t have a joke for that. I just thought it was hilarious. Come on! Old rich white dude telling us it’s a scary time in America. That is pure comedy. And I will be stealing that line.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost] Republicans are now planning to use the liberal opposition to Brett Kavanaugh to stoke anger among the GOP base ahead of the midterm elections. But if that doesn’t work, they can always fire up their base by saying any of the following things.

[Cut to lists of things they can say, the list – Hillary, Immigrants, Pelosi, Black Lives Matter, NFL, George Soros, Gay Frogs, Puerto Rico, Lady Ghostbusters, Male Nurses, MS-13, MS-14, UP-40, Diversity, Gender-neutral, Kaepernick, LeBron James, Catheter discomfort, Mexico, Obamacare, Starbucks cups, Maxine Waters, The Last Jedi, Barbie dolls with careers, Lena Dunham, Jeff Sessions for some reason] [Punk Rock music playing on back ground – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it. We’re not going to take it anymore.]

[List goes on after a small pause, the list – Black Panther, Black Santa, Brown Himilton, Vagina hats, “farm-to-table”, Fuel economy, Debra Messing, “Happy Holidays”, Michael Moore, Climate change, Mueller, They don’t tell you hit the quarterback anymore] [Punk Rock music playing on background – We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t going to take it.]

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin Jost with a picture of the President Donald Trump top in the left top corner with a tag ‘TRUMP TAX SCHEME’] The New York Times uncovered that through out his life Donal Trump received a $413 million inheritance from his father, but Trump said what he was inherited was actually not that big. It was more toad stool sized. The New York Times also published a report accusing the Trump family of cheating the government out of $500 million in taxes. Personally, I think the IRS should just seize all the money the Trump family hid and gave it to Puerto Rico. Or better yet, they could make Trump’s biggest nightmare come true and let a bunch Puerto Ricans come live in his buildings.

Weekend Update: Record Cocaine Production–Michael Che and Colin Jost: Season 44 Episode 1

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

MICHAEL CHE: A new report from the UN shows that last year Columbia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by Bobby Brown’s sneeze.

COLIN JOST: The Philadelphia flyers are being mocked online for their new team mascot which is a 7 foot tall fuzzy creature named Gritty with a long orange beard, googly eyes, and I assume a dime bag of mostly stems. And this is an interesting fact, Gritty is actually the first mascot made from the crayon drawings of a 5 year old who saw his parents murdered.

MICHAEL CHE: Hey, Hey, Hey. Bill Cosby was sentenced to three to ten years in prison. You know what really bothers me about Bill Cosby, if I can be serious. He made a show called ‘The Cosby Show’ and it was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable. Isn’t that weird?

COLIN JOST: A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than 11,000 dollars by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. Now these scams can be tricky. But one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asked to borrow 11,000 dollars.

MICHAEL CHE: I mean Frasier is about Frasier Roseanne is about Roseanne. Seinfeld is about Seinfeld. What if I told you Everybody Loves Raymond was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable? Am I the only one bothered by this? Alright. Fine. Take the rapist’s side.

Dunkin Donuts…

COLIN JOST: ..is not a sponsor anymore.

MICHAEL CHE: Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will change its name to just Dunkin’. The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.

BECK BENNETT: That was the Oh?

Researchers in Hong Kong reported the first ever case of a human contracting Rat Hepatitis. Worst, now that guy has to call and inform every rat that he has ever slept with.