Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

This week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union address and showed us what it looks like when a patriot comes to play with fully inflated balls.

[Picture changes the Obama’s speech]

After republicans during the State of the Union applauded when President Obama said he had no more campaigns run, Obama responded saying, “I know, because I won both of them.” Obama’s comeback was so good, that it literally burned [Picture changes to John Banner who is very red.] John Banner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a football at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NFL is investigating claims that the New England Patriots deflated game balls before the AFC championship win. Man, that Bill Belichick [Picture changes to Bill Belichick wearing hoodie with no sleeves.] always has a trick of his no sleeves.

The Patriots of course denied the cheating accusations saying the only deflated balls they have are because of steroids. Not cheating.

[Picture changes to

The secret service reported that shots were fired from a car’s speeding pass Vice-President Joe Biden’s Delaware home. So far, police hhave only one suspect.

[Picture changes to a paper with “Hillary 2016” written on it.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of Benjamin Netanyahu]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that the Obama administration is extremely upset that Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu plans to ask congress for addition sanctions against Iran. Saying that he will “Pay a price”, which brings the number of countries that have threatened Israel up to an even… [Picture changes to world map] all of them.

Weekend Update Mrs. Sartini

Colin Jost

Mrs. Santini… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, 33% of homeowners don’t like their neighbors. Here with her tips on how to deal with difficult neighbors is a woman who lives in my building, Mrs. Santini.

[Mrs. Santini slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Mrs. Santini: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. I like this chair. I will take this chair.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Santini: Okay, I won’t. [Mrs. Santini winks]

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, what would you say is your number one tip for dealing with annoying neighbors?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Okay, the best thing to do is to write a nice little note. Here is a sample of a very nice note. [Mrs. Santini takes a red paper out.] This one, I left for the family upstairs.

[Mrs. Santini reading the note] Dear elephant family in 6H. I am so sorry you is elephants. And every step you take ruin my life. Maybe floor of your apartment is a wack a mole machine and you go boom-boom-boom. Maybe you have a Jumanji in your apartment every night. Either way, this is very sad for you. So please, keep on breaking my ears and wreck my days and nights and my small business. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Mrs. Santini folds the paper and puts it away.]

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What is your small business?

Mrs. Santini: I make animal skeletons.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you make them? Out of what?

[Cut to Mrs. Santini]

Mrs. Santini: Animals.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

You know when Dunkin Donuts at the end of the day throws out all the leftovers. That office is the same.

Colin Jost: Okay, Mrs. Santini. Any other tips for dealing with neighbors?

Mrs. Santini: Yes, okay. [Cut to Mrs. Santini] My next door neighbors, they cook every night but they make big smell. It smells like when you earring hole is infected and wipe it and you go [smells the infection] . So, I write them a sweet note. [Mrs. Santini opens another paper] Dear Mario Batali of hot garbage. I am so sorry for all pots and pans are diapers and your favorite spice is a dookie. It’s so sad for you that every rat in the world come to die in your wall. So, don’t worry. Destroy my final days. It’s okay. Frida Santini, 5H.

[Cut to Mrs. Santini and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Frida, are these really your final days?

Mrs. Santini: For a Hulu+, yes. My free trial is.

Colin Jost: Mrs. Santini, everyone.

Mrs. Santini: 5H. 5H.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a Duke University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After receiving complaints from Christian Leaders, Duke University has canceled plans for Muslim students to use the school’s iconic Chapel tower for sounding the traditional Islamic call to prayer. But apparently the Christian leaders are totally cool that Duke’s mascot is the Devi.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Idina Menzel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl. Then she’ll sing ‘Let it go’ as the tribute to the NFL’s domestic violence policy.

[Picture changes to a picture of marijuana]

A new survey shows that the state with the most marijuana use is Rhode Island, which explains Rhode Island’s official state moto, “but if it’s an island, where does the road go?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a man who set his bicycle down at an intersection, dropped his pants and started dancing. Which as far as I know might be what crossfit is.

[Picture changes to Chinese flag and a knife.]

A woman in China was arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis. Then later went to the hospital where it had been reattached and cut it off a second time. You see, that kind of work ethic is exactly why China is beating the US. But seriously, I’ve been in a lot of bad breakups before. And I bet what actually hurt that guy, like, more than anything was getting his penis cut off twice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of HSN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of the Home Shopping Network died this week at the age of 79. [Picture changes to the company offer.] Order just 4 easy installments of $19.99.

[Picture changes to a marijuana spray]

A new marijuana spray called Foria will go on sale next week and promises to help women have better sex. This according to Foria CEO, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby wearing a Mexican hat.] Will Wosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of 3 rhinos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 3 rhinos at a zoo in Israel escaped after a guard fell asleep. [Picture changes to a cover photo of the movie Zookeeper Michael Che: Rhino Escape.] starring Kevin James.

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Supreme Court and a gavel at left top corner.]

The Supreme Court announced that in June, they will decide once and for all whether same sex marriage is constitutional. Which leaves opponents just 6 months to break in, steal the constitution and change it to “We the Peple: No Homo.”

[Picture changes to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney is reportedly considering running for president in 2016. In a related story, Charlie Brown is planning on finally kicking that football. [Picture changes to a cartoon trying to kick the football]

When Romney told the news to a group of donors, they started chanting, “Run, Mitt, run.” Incidentally, RUN MITT is also how you boot up Romney’s operating system.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

Governor Chris Christie this week gave New Jersey state of the state address. Which is just like the state of the union address, only every sentence ends with, “But you didn’t hear that from me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis this week criticized the magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’ by saying, “You can’t make a toy out of religions.” And then he put on his giant hat, grabbed his wand and went back to his golden castle.

[Picture changes to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton has called for an emergency meeting of his diversity task force after no actors of color received Oscar nomination. As a side note, I gotta say, the Al Sharpton diversity task force sounds like a kick ass Saturday morning cartoon. I mean, what can I say? I can’t tell you who deserve to be nominated. I mean, of all the movies, Selma is the only one I even pretended to see. But I understand frustrations of minorities. An Oscar nomination can lead to so many opportunities for the black actors. Great future roles like, Snow Dogs. Or, Cat Woman. Or maybe even a WeightWatchers commercial. It’s a real thing. And I get that it’s hard to pronounce a lot of these names, but that’s what makes an award show so fun. I mean, just imagine John Travolta as he introduces the wickedly talented [picture changes to David Oyelowo] Davido Alajuwan.

Weekend Update Willie

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the holiday season. And I for one have not been feeling holiday spirit. Here with his thoughts on the holidays is the most positive guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay! Don’t you feel the spirit, Michael? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Michael Che: I honestly don’t, Willie. It’s cold out. Everything is crowded.

Willie: Oh, but Michael, life is good. [Cut to Willie] And you gotta appreciate it coz like the doctors always say, “I don’t know what that is, Willie, but it’s spreading.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Your doctor said that? Are you okay?

Willie: Ay! I’m better than okay. I’m alright. [Cut to Willie] Sure, things aren’t perfect. Money is a little tight. But things can always be worse. It’s like my daddy always told me, “Son, things just got worse.” And you know, he was always right.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man!

Willie: Look, [Cut to Willie] I may not be the richest man, I may not have grown up with Hollywood luxuries, like limousines or matching shoes or kidneys, but it was like my pastor always says, “You can’t sleep here, Willie.”[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh, I am sorry, Willie.

Willie: Ay! The point is, Christmas is the best time of the year, Michael. [Cut to Willie] All of the bright lights are flashing. The bells ringing. The taste of a spoon holding your tongue. All the little children running around yelling, “Mama, I think old Willie is having an episode.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That really happened to you on Christmas?

Willie: It happens to all of us.

Michael Che: No, man! It doesn’t.

Willie: Well, you know what I think of Christmas? I think of my old dog Lucias. Boy did he love the snow. Last Christmas eve, [Cut to Willie] I took him off his lease so he can play in the snow. And he just ran and ran and ran and ran till I couldn’t see him anymore. But it’s like they always say, “You can forget about that dog, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ay, you know what? I feel better man. You did it. You cured. You know what? [giving Willie some money] Take this too. Ay man, Merry Christmas.

Willie: [crying] Oh, man! This changes everything. A holiday miracle like this reminds me of an old saying.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: “You gonna mess this money up too, Willie.”

Michael Che: Willie, everyone!

Willie: Merry Christmas.

Michael Che: Merry Christmas.

Weekend Update Kim Jong Un

Colin Jost

Kim Jong-Un… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s Christmas time and that means everyone is scrambling to find that perfect gift for that special someone. Here to comment is, oh no, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.

[Bobby Moynihan slides in]

Bobby Moynihan: What’s up, America? Whooooo! It’s me, Kim Jong-Un.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no, no. Bobby, I don’t think this is a good idea.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Who’s Bobby? [winks his eye] Seriously, Jost, it’s fine man. [Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan] I’m not afraid. Okay, I got this.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Holiday shopping can be a pain. [There is a red laser target of gun on Bobby’s chest.] You know? The lines. The scrambling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Um, Bobby. Um, there’s a–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Don’t you mean supreme leader?

Colin Jost: No, no–

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Christmas shopping can be a huge pain. [Now, there are a lot of lasers pointing at Bobby Moynihan’s chest.] It’s really just– [Bobby Moynihan notices the lasers.] Oh! Okay. Oh! Sorry. Maybe I’ll just get out of here.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Bobby Moynihan, every–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Hey! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m Seth Rogan. Seth Rogan, everybody.

Colin Jost: Seth Rogan, everybody.

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.]

[cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing]

[Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Los Angeles map and condoms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal appeals court has upheld the new law requiring porn actors to wear condoms. Supporters of the law say that the decision feels good, just not, you know, as good.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a robot hand at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The number of robots in the workplace has steadily increased in the past few years, including a machine that administers sedatives. The ‘machine is called ‘Cosby-tron 5000.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rio De Janeiro’s beach.]

Colin Jost: Scientists have found a drug resistance super bacteria in the waters where Rio De Janeiro’s Olympic sailing event will be held. The super bacteria is more commonly known as Kid Rock.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of ‘SERIAL’ podcast logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the popular NPR podcast serial finished it’s twelveth episode run. For much more on this story, talk to white people.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 9 candles stand at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday night marked the first night of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of how one word miraculously stretched into eight different spellings.

[Picture changes to Kathie Lee Gifford and Bill Cosby]

Kathie Lee Gifford revealed this week that in the late 1970s, while performing as a back up singer for Bill Cosby comedy tour, the comedian kissed her but she rejected him. More shockingly, that means she also rejected a glass of wine. Also, what the hell is a back up singer for Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of baseball cards piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The creator of the modern baseball card died this week at the age of 91, when his mother threw them away without even asking.

[Picture changes to Bubba Watson]

Golfer Bubba Watson has released the Christmas rap featuring his character Bubba Claus. You can find it on the new compilation, [Picture changes to Colin Jost with his thumbs up] “Now that’s what Jost calls music.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elton John and David Furnish.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that later this month, Elton John will marry his long time partner David Furnish. So, sorry ladies.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost and here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US and Cuban flag.]

President Obama announced this week that the US will restore diplomatic relations with Cuba after more than 50 years. Which is great news for Cuba’s Chief Export, [Picture changes to Cubans crossing the border on a boat.] Cubans.

[Picture changes to a cover photo of movie “The Interview”.]

After threats from terrorists and a massive hack by the North Korean government, Sony Pictures has pulled the movie ‘The Interview’ from theaters. So, for the first time ever, [Picture changes to Seth Rogan’s high face.] a stoner was right to feel paranoid.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cover photo of movie “The Interview”]

Michael Che: This week, Sony Pictures announced that it would not release the movie ‘The Interview’, drawing criticism for giving it to terrorist threats. Because studios of course are only supposed to give end to the threats of the actors… and directors… and producers and agents and focus groups and bloggers, theater chains, conservative groups, liberal groups and anyone with a damn twitter account.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag and FBI logo]

The FBI has confirmed that North Korea was behind the hacking of Sony Pictures. So, I want to take a moment to talk to North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. Look, Kimberly, me and you, we’re not that different. We both take a lot of hit on the internet, we both love basketball and we both have black barbers apparently. And I get why you’re upset. You feel like the cool kids are making fun of you, but dying in a movie is a good thing. You know who else died in the movie? Bubba from Forest Gump. And his death influenced the chain of Shrimp restaurant. [Picture changes to a restaurant board that says, “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”] That could be you, man! That could be a 90 minute wait at Kim Jong-Un’s Times Square Grill. Which brings me to merchandising. And let me tell you something, Kimberly, your look would be a huge hit at lesbian weddings.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

In a new interview, President Obama said that there is no black man his age who hasn’t been mistaken for valet at a restaurant. “Oh, come on! That was one time,” said Joe Biden.