Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tech companies Google and Apple have recently been criticized for their lack of diversity in the workforce. Here to talk about is our own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer Zamata: Wow. Colin, if you want evidence of Tech companies’ lack of diversity, just look at your phone. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] There are over 800 emojis available on Apple products, and not one of them is of a black person.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Wait a second, you’re saying there’s not one black emoji?

Sasheer Zamata: Not one. So, if I wanna refer to myself with an emoji, this is what I have to use. [A picture o black moon with a face emoji appears.]

Colin Jost: Like, a dark moon?

Sasheer Zamata: Um-hmm. Yeah, that’s the closest thing they have. It looks like a baby Charles Barkley. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] Unicode, the company that creates emojis thought that instead of one black person, we needed two different kinds of dragons, nine different cat faces, three generations of a white family and all the hands are white too. Even the black power fist is white. But on the plus side, they do have [A picture of a ghost emoji appears. He has one black eye.] KKK member that got punched in the face.

I have figured out how to convey other black experiences using emojis that we do have. So, take a look at this.

[car emoji + cop car emoji + torch light emoji = clock emoji, sad face emoji]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Yeah, now what’s that?

Sasheer Zamata: Okay, Michael. What do you see?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s easy. You got pulled over, the cops are searching your car and you’re gonna be late.]

Sasheer Zamata: Exactly.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. And then I used this one to tell my friend that [dark moon emoji + car emoji, taxi emoji, blue car emoji, truck emoji, lorry emoji+ hourglass emoji, square emoji, mic speaker emoji + deaf monkey emoji, blind monkey emoji, mute monkey emoji] I stopped traffic in Time Square protesting the Grand Jury.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Got you. Yes, I gotta say, I really don’t like it when you use that dark moon.

Sasheer Zamata: That’s all I got. And my friend responded with [cop emoji + crying emoji + smoke emoji = running emoji] if the police start using tear gas, run. And then I responded with this.[bowling emoji]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, you asked her to go bowling?

Sasheer Zamata: No, I was telling her that the police were question our friend DaQuan.

Michael Che: Yes, you see those three white pins are the cops. And that ball is DaQuan. DaQuan is big.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah. Here’s the actual photo of what DaQuan looked like at the time.

[Cut to a picture of bald Kenan taking a selfie  and there are three white cops behind him. And there is the bowling emoji at left side of the picture. It looks simiar.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s DaQuan. SaSheer Zamata, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A 2014 study shows that despite the wealth of talented actresses in Hollywood, women still remain grossly unrepresented when it comes to major film roles. Here to give us her take, a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Heather: Hi, Colin. I’m Heather, from work. You probably haven’t noticed me because I wear glasses. But later I might take them off and you might notice me.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Thanks for coming. Um..

Heather: You’re welcome Jost. And I’m calling you by your last name coz I’m fun and crazy and surprising and hot, and a girl. Confusing, right? Welcome to my world. I sleep in New Jersey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, that’s good to know.

Heather: I’m just– I’m not one of those girls who just eats salads. I like burgers and wings and beer. I just have a body of a salad girl. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Okay. So, what are your thoughts on the lack of a well written female role in Hollywood?

Heather: Since when are you interested in my thoughts? All you care about is pulling stunts like the one back there at the big meeting. You completely screwed up my presentation. One day, you’re gonna have to grow up.

Colin Jost: I feel like you’re confusing me with someone else.

Heather: Hey, what are you doing here? Get out of here! I’m chancing. I was almost in my bra and panties. So, annoying because I actually started liking you.

[Heather looks downwards and starts crying]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, are you crying?

Heather: Nice try.

Colin Jost: Look, I’m really sorry. I have zero idea what’s going on right now. But I did not mean to hurt your feelings.

Heather: Wow, you really have changed.

Colin Jost: I have.

Heather: Yeah, it’s all over your face. You know, when we started this conversation, I didn’t believe in you. But what you did back there, that really took balls. And I’m not going to river with Dave. I’m staying right here with you at the record store.

Colin Jost: What record store?

Heather: My sassy black friend Tracy said you were funny. Bitch didn’t lie.

[romantic music playing. Heather removes her glasses.]

Colin Jost: Oh, hello. I didn’t notice you there.

Heather: Yeah, it’s me. Heather from work. Confusing, right?

Colin Jost: Extremely. a one dimensional female character from a male driven comedy, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Jacob The Bar Mitzvah Boy on Hanukkah Origins

Michael Che

Colin Jost

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?

[Michael Che silently opens his book]

Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.

[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]

Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: In conclusion…

Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: And lastly…

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?

[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]

bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Queens map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new guide book list a best tourist destination in the country as Queens, New York. This, according to a recent misprint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of students at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, teenage boys are just as vicious as teenage girls, when it comes to rumors and making nasty comments. The study was conduct by my high school yearbook photo.

[Picture changes to German Airline Lufthansa]

German airline Lufthansa has announced that it will accommodate passengers to the middle east by allowing people in first class to bring falcons on the plane. So, now the two animals you can bring with you on planes are falcons and small dogs. [Picture changes to a falcon preying on small dog.]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a White House technology event, vice president Joe Biden told the group of girls writing computer code that they were as smart as any boy in the world. And then he turned around and walked directly into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s has released a video online to prove the chicken McNuggets are made out of real chicken. And not as the taste suggests, pigeons that committed suicide.

[Picture changes to a lottery ticket.]

A convicted sex offender has won more than $2 million in the state lottery. At which point he shouted, “I’m going 200 feet from Disney World.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Rick Perry.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Texas governor Rick Perry said that running for the presidency is not an IQ test. [Picture changes to George Bush] Of course its not a IQ test. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton] And it’s also not a lie detector test. [Picture changes to Richard Nixon] Or an ethics test. [picture changes to Franklin D. Roosevelt] or a footrace.

[Picture changes to Cuba Gooding Jr. and OJ Simpson]

Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as OJ Simpson in a new mini series about the football player’s murder trial. Gooding is still best known, of course, for his famous catch phrase, “I need the work, man!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton at left top corner.]

Prince William and Kate Middleton visited New York city this week. While they were here, they saw the Brooklyn Nets play against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron finished with 18 points, four rebounds [Picture changes to Prince William and Kate Middleton and LeBron James. LeBron has his hand on Kate’s shoulder while Prince William is looking away] and one steal.

[Picture changes to CIA logo and a file.]

The senate this week released a report on the CIA’s harsh interrogation methods which included details such as the rectal feeding a pure aid hummus, pasta, nuts and raisins. Actually, I don’t know if that was from the torture report or it was just a cleanse I read about on goop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Dick Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dick Cheney criticized the senate report on CIA interrogation methods as “A bunch of hooey”. Cheney also complained that the report’s description of torture “bare got me hard.”

[Picture changes to a jail]

The senate report shows that the CIA paid two psychologists $80 million to design the torture program. $80 million? Were they waterboarding with [Picture changes to a bottle of Palleogrino] Palleogrino? Also you don’t have to use torture to get people to admit stuff. Just get them really drunk and log them into facebook. It worked on my ex, that’s how I found out my son’s real father was Denver Nuggets. Hey, but I still love you little [Picture changes to JaVale McGee’s face on baby’s body] JaVale McGee Jr.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sony PlayStation on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sony was hit by another cyber attack this week, which took it’s PlayStation network offline for hours. Giving gamers a chance to finally go outside and get some fresh weed.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of oil barrels on right top corner.]

Michael Che: For the first time in five years, the price of oil fell below $60 a barrel, which is so low that it also a pretty good deal on barrels.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on 420Singles.com

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: With more and more states legalizing marijuana, many businesses have begun to cater to users of the drug, including dating websites such as 4Leslie Jones0singles.com. Here to comment is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: Yeah! How are you doing, Colin? Great to be here.

Colin Jost: Great to have you back, Leslie. So, what do you think about this dating website for people who smoke weed?

Leslie Jones: Man, I think it’s great! [Cut to Leslie Jones] Coz you gotta be high to go on a date with a stranger. You know what I’m saying? Have you seen “Criminal Minds?” But you gotta be careful because some of those people on those sites do a lot of other drugs other than weed. You know what I’m saying? Like, crazy white folks drugs. Like, mushrooms. I went out with one of them dudes on that site and he wanted me to try mushrooms. Ay, you know me, Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones] You know, I try anything. You know what I’m saying? At least one time. You know? Like, dating sites, white dudes, you know what I’m saying? Might as well add mushrooms to the list. I’m trying it all coz I’m open, you know what I’m saying? Open.

Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone doubts that.

Leslie Jones: Well, however open you thought I was, triple it. [Cut to Leslie Jones] But what I found out people, what I found out is that black people, they don’t need to do mushrooms. It’s not for us. We’ve been through too damn much. You know what I’m saying? We’ve been through too much stuff that we have locked behind doors in our minds that the mushrooms have keys to. Man, when I took the mushrooms, I talked to Harriet Tubman for two hours. And I ain’t even asking none of the good questions. I was like, “Um, so for this underground railroad, Harriet, can I use my metro card? How many stops to freedom, Harriet? I don’t want to be on this train all night.” And then I tried to explain to her HBO and Showtime are not friends. Why do they keep putting them in the same package? They don’t even like each other.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones looks at Colin Jost and Colin Jost keeps his mouth zipped.]

Then she looked at me and she said, “Bitch, I don’t know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I don’t have cable. I am from the 1800s.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones is asking Colin Jost.]

Have you ever been called a bitch? By Harriet Tubman, Jost?

Colin Jost: Definitely not.

Leslie Jones: I know you ain’t, you refreshing peppermint paddy. Let me be your chocolate on your paddy.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

So, I’m sticking to weed, you know what I’m saying? Because talking to Harriet Tubman is not a good date. You wanna date with me, bring me flower. And when I say flowers, I mean weed. Because I smoke my flowers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Weekend Update Kim Kardashian

Colin Jost

Kim Kardashian… Nicki Minaj

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: On Thursday, Kim Kardashian attended a launch party at Art Basel in Miami or the issue of Paper magazine featuring her now famous nude photos. Here to comment on those photos is Kim Kardashian.

[Kim Kardashian slides in]

Kim Kardashian: Hi. Hi you guys, it’s me Kim.

Colin Jost: Welcome, Kim. Now, I have to ask, what was the idea behind these nude photos.

Kim Kardashian: Well Colin, the entire thing was completely misinterpreted. Like, look at this photo. [Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian’s nude photo but the face is of Nicki Minaj.]

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. Yes.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: Do you notice anything?

Colin Jost: I definitely notice something, yes.

Kim Kardashian: There’s no background to the photo. [Cut to Kim Kardashian] They forgot to put the backgrounds in so the photos are completely out of context. Here’s the same photo with the proper background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is in a hospital where the doctor is looking at her vagina with a torch.]

[Cut to Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: See? It was actually a public service announcement about getting regular check-ups from your gynecologist. Or, this photo with the champagne.

[Cut to a picture of Kim Kardashian opening a champagne.]

Now, let’s see it with the right background.

[The picture changes to her teaching in class in front of the classroom board.]

[Cut to Kim Kardashian]

See? It was actually a part of a math competition for a high school seniors.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s nice.

Kim Kardashian: And spoiler alert, x equals full frontal.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: I guess learning can be fun.

Kim Kardashian: How about this one?

[Cut to a nude photo of Kim Kardashain from the back.]

Notice how my rear end is all oily.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah, I did notice that as well.

Kim Kardashian: Well, look at the background.

[Cut to the same picture, but now she is on a beach. There is a bird on her butt.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

See, it’s a warning about the Keystone pipeline.

Colin Jost: Well, you know, you have some real vision, Kim. You know?

Kim Kardashian: And finally, take a look at this one.

[Cut to nude picture of Kim Kardashian from the front.]

Colin Jost: Okay, now what was that supposed to be?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Kim Kardashian: It was gonna be my Hanukkah card for my Jewish friends.

[Cut to a candle 9 candle holder. But instead of candles, there are pictures of Kim Kardashain from previous photo. And there are lights on her heads.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Kim Kardashian]

Colin Jost: Kim Kardashian, everyone!

Kim Kardashian: Bye!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Weekend Update Anthony Crispino

Michael Che

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of news in the news this week. But here to tell us the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony Crispino slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Crispino: Hey. Oh! How you dong, there Mikey. Hey, congrats on the new gig, man. Very nice.

Michael Che: Ah, thanks man.

Anthony Crispino: Ay, come on, man! Be humble. People are watching. What are you doing? Come on.

[Anthony Crispino is looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Alright. Anthony, so– Anthony, so what’s in the news this week?

Anthony Crispino: Uh, you heard about this thing? You know, it’s Christmas time. They had a tree lighting hosted by the Rock and old Yellow. Yeap!

Michael Che: No, it was at Rockefeller Center.

Anthony Crispino: Um, I’m pretty sure it was it was the Rock and old Yellow who hosted it. You know? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] It was a huge event. You know? There was a big musical performance by Drew Carrey.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, it was Mariah Carey.

Anthony Crispino: Um, sounded more like Drew Carrey. You know? Coz, he messed up and forgot who’s line it was anyway. So…

[Anthony Crispino is still looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Okay. And where did you hear that?

Anthony Crispino: Where did I hear that? I heard it from the owner of my local tanning saloon, Lawrence Fleshburn. Yeap, that’s the guy who told me.

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. But Lawrence Fleshburn was mistaken.

Anthony Crispino: Okay. Alright. Lawrence Fleshburn, whole different guy. Not a good guy but, um–

Michael Che: But, I don’t think either one of them said it.

Anthony Crispino: No, not either one of them. But, you hear about this thing? The space prostitutes?

Michael Che: What?
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Star-whores. They lock themselves n a trailer and they said they won’t come out for a year. Yeah!

Michael Che: It was a Star Wars trailer. The movie comes out in a year.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: I agree to disagree, huh. You know, but, um.. you heard about this guy from the Jefferson Shermon Holmsley? Yeah, People magazine voted him the sexiest man yet alive. Yeap. [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] He’s moving on up that guy.

Michael Che: Chris Hemsworth was voted sexiest man alive. Anthony, where did you hear any of that?

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: Um, from my elderly salsa dealer, old Mel Paso.  [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] That’s who told me.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, I think he was misinformed.

Anthony Crispino: Okay, alright.

Michael Che: Anything else, Anthony?

Anthony Crispino: Um, well, I’m afraid. You know, I got some upsetting news for the fans of a very beloved fatherly figure. Bing Crosby.

Michael Che: Oh no.

Anthony Crispino: Yeah. I know. It turns out he’s a rap artist or rap-ist as the kids say today.

Michael Che: No.

Anthony Crispino: No. Turns out he’s been rapping for years.

Michael Che: No, no, no, no.

Anthony Crispino: No? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] That’s what Bing Crosby did when they asked him about him. He just shook his head no.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

Anthony Crispino: Hey, hey, Bing Crosby would. So…

[Anthony Crispino is looking away]

Michael Che: Anthony. It’s Bill Cosby.

Anthony Crispino: Um, pretty sure it’s Bing Crosby, though there Mike.

Michael Che: But it’s not.

Anthony Crispino: Ummmm, I’m pretty sure.

Michael Che: No!

Anthony Crispino: Ummmmmmmm, pretty sure!

Michael Che: No!

[Cut to Anthony Crispino. Anthony Crispino makes some kind of noise, then coughs.]

Anthony Crispino: Excuse me. I swallowed a chipmunk on my way here this morning.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Anthony Crispino, everyone!

Anthony Crispino: Hey, keep doing the good stuff.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: US health officials have released new federal guidelines on circumcision. The guidelines are titled, “Tips for tips.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pizza Hut logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pizza Hut is trying out a new tablet based menu that relies purely on customer’s eye movements to create their perfect pizza. Finally, a way around the rigorous work of pointing.

[Picture changes to Black Peter and Saint Nicholas.]

A debate has renewed in Netherlands this week over the country’s Christmas tradition of Black Peter, who is a Black faced assistant to white Saint Nicholas. I don’t know how the debate turned out, because once I Googled the word ‘Black Peter’, work took away my internet.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a man playing golf and a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was your second time though. While playing in a tournament in South Africa, pro golfer Luke Donald was chased off the course by a charging Baboon. Nice try golf, but you’re still boring.