Digital Exclusive- The Last Dance

David Aldridge… Chris Redd

Steve Kerr… Mikey Day

Kim Jong-Un… Bowen Yang

Andrea Kremer… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with short clips from Michael Jordan documentary The Last Dance’]

Steve Kerr: Things were getting tensed.

David Aldridge: This wasn’t basketball. This was war.

Andrea Kremer: The fairytale was coming to an end.

David Aldridge: Everything Michael Jordan did turned to a story.

[Cut to a video with a message ‘Now everyone has something to say’.] [Cut to Kim Jong-Un]

Kim Jong-Un: [looking at his mic] This thing on?

[Cut to ‘The Last Dance’ video bumper]

Andrea Kremer: At this point, the Bulls had won five championships in seven years.

Steve Kerr: In 95 and 96, we won 72 games. The next year, we won 69 games. We were unstoppable.

David Aldridge: There’s absolutely no way you could talk about the greatest teams of all time and not mention the Chicago Bulls.

Kim Jong-Un: Nobody likes 90s Bulls more than me. I freaking love that team.

Steve Kerr: Really, there was just one person standing in our way. Jerry Krause.

Andrea Kremer: So, Bulls general manager Jerry Krause announced that this would be the last season for coach Phil Jackson, effectively breaking up the greatest team of all time.

David Aldridge: Jerry had a little man problem. He grew up a little fat kid. He didn’t have a lot of money. He was always the underdog.

Kim Jong-Un: He’s like I always say, never trust a fat little weirdos who make it all about themselves.

David Aldridge: Krause was quoted saying, “Players don’t win championships. Organizations do.”

Kim Jong-Un: What? That’s like saying democracy is better than dictatorship. That’s the kind of talk that get you poisoned, bro.

Steve Kerr: We were a family. And like all families, we had our problems.

Andrea Kremer: In the middle of the season, Dennis Rodman goes to Phil Jackson and says he needs a vacation.

Steve Kerr: Boom. We don’t hear or see Dennis for 48 hours.

Kim Jong-Un: Nobody knows where this guy is. Is he in Vegas? Is he having heart surgery? Is he gravely ill? Is he already dead?

Steve Kerr: Dennis was a great team mate, but frankly his behavior was bizarre.

Andrea Kremer: The hair, the tattoos, the eccentric clothes.

Kim Jong-Un: I told him don’t over think it, if you want to look cool, just wear exact same clothes as your dad everyday for the rest of your life.

[Next Week]

Steve Kerr: Game five of the 97 finals.

Andrea Kremer: And Michael Jordan has the flu.

Kim Jong-Un: A flu? Boo! That’s not a thing. You want to know what I have? Hypertension, diabetes, a lymph, obesity, smoker’s cough, heart problems and coronavirus. I’m feeling just fine. Da’ Bulls. Am I saying that right? Okay. Da’ Bulls.

Weekend Update on Kim Jong-un Meeting with Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]

In a stunning turn of events, North Korean Leader Kim Jong-Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever is president in May. Trump will be the first sitting US president to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it’s also going to be the first time where both translators start every sentence with, “Okay, so what I think he said was…” I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance and we’re putting in our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman’s LinkedIn page.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are picture of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts warn that the talk between Trump and Kim Jong-Un could be risky, because, well, duh! Best case scenario, they’ll realize they’re both crazy and become best friends like their movie “Step Brothers.” But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he’s just twitter crazy and Kim Jong-Un is crazy crazy. And there’s a big old difference. One guy trolls Oprah online and the other guy murdered his uncle with a cannon. This could end up being the greatest episode of Scared Straight ever! What do you think Trump’s gonna say at dinner when they tell them he is eating disrespectful limo driver?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Cohen and Stormy Daniels at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in this week’s presidential porno recap, Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen who is definitely a candidate for friend of the year said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a pornstar? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another pornstar and was like, “She is pretty cute too”, and Cohen’s like, “Dude, I’m gonna lose my house.”

I think it’s also fitting that the story about the president having an affair with a pornstar is struggling to hold our attention. Because the news now has become like porn. We’re desensitized. These days news wise we can only get excited about Asian lesbians. [Picture changes to Kim Jong-Un.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Gary Cohn at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alright. Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House job Economic Advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House like, I don’t know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now, 300 points sounds like a lot but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I reacted to Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they’re about to have a kid. I’m like, “Word? How you feel about that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seychelles map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in Seychelles between a Trump associate and official from United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. So, sounds innocent. At least with all these Mueller stuff, we’re learning a lot about geography. You know? I mean Trump at this point is basically Carmen Santiago. Only, he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Santiago.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump an PlayStation games at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don’t know. I grew up playing Mario Brothers but I never had the urge to curve stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played PCman all day and now he’s addicted to pills and sees ghost everywhere.

Weekend Update Kim Jong Un

Colin Jost

Kim Jong-Un… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s Christmas time and that means everyone is scrambling to find that perfect gift for that special someone. Here to comment is, oh no, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un.

[Bobby Moynihan slides in]

Bobby Moynihan: What’s up, America? Whooooo! It’s me, Kim Jong-Un.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, no, no, no. Bobby, I don’t think this is a good idea.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Who’s Bobby? [winks his eye] Seriously, Jost, it’s fine man. [Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan] I’m not afraid. Okay, I got this.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Holiday shopping can be a pain. [There is a red laser target of gun on Bobby’s chest.] You know? The lines. The scrambling.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Um, Bobby. Um, there’s a–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Don’t you mean supreme leader?

Colin Jost: No, no–

[Cut to Bobby Moynihan]

Bobby Moynihan: Christmas shopping can be a huge pain. [Now, there are a lot of lasers pointing at Bobby Moynihan’s chest.] It’s really just– [Bobby Moynihan notices the lasers.] Oh! Okay. Oh! Sorry. Maybe I’ll just get out of here.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Bobby Moynihan]

Colin Jost: Bobby Moynihan, every–

Bobby Moynihan: [interrupting] Hey! Wow! Wow! Wow! I’m Seth Rogan. Seth Rogan, everybody.

Colin Jost: Seth Rogan, everybody.

Kim Jong-Un Is Strong

Nurse… Cecily Strong

Kim Jong Un… Bobby Moynihan

General… Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Qak-pun-ji… Beck Bennett

[Stars with a clip of Pyongyang, North Korea]

Nurse: Dear leader, [Cut to a nurse sitting beside Kim Jong Un] it has been five weeks since you’ve been seen in public. Your people yearn to set their eyes on their beloved Kim Jong Un. Please, some are wondering if you’re still in charge.

Kim Jong Un: Fools! I am the one and only shining sun. I am your marshall. So, why do I hear these poisonous rumors? That I am diabetic? That I have the gout? ridiculous! That I have eaten too much imported cheese? Who dares question me?

[Cut to three soldiers at right]

General: It is just, dear leader, we are worried.

[Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: Worried? About me? Well, let me tell you something, General.

[Kim Jong Un struggles to stand up] [As Kim Jong Un is limping to the General, he’s making noises]

General! You of all people should never question me. Why did you go to South Korea when you knew I forbid this?

General: It was a diplomatic mission, sir. As part of the Asian games.

Kim Jong Un: What? Why would you send anyone to the Asian games when the world’s greatest athlete is standing right in front of you? I have an Olympic medal in beach volleyball.

[Cut to the soldiers at left]

Kyle: But sir, you’re limping.

[Cut to Kim Jong Un]

Kim Jong Un: What? Who said that?

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to Kyle, he is making noises]

I told you, I broke my ankle while dunking over Michael Jordan. This is what happened! The movie Space Jam is about me. We all know this.

[Cut to everybody. The soldiers and nodding their heads.]

Kyle: My apologies dear leader. It’s just, um, people think you’re out of tough.

Kim Jong Un: How can I be out of touch when I have the same haircut as Brad Pitt in the movie Fury? I am sensing many of you doubt my strength. Perhaps a demonstration is in order.

[As Kim Jong Un is limping to right side, he is making noise]

Qak-pun-ji, I want you to punch me as hard as you can.

Qak-pun-ji: Dear leader, I could never.

Kim Jong Un: Punch me! Hard! I order you to punch me or die!

[Qak-pun-ji punches Kim Jong Un on chest. Kim Jong Un doesn’t react at all.]

Now everyone turn around!

[The soldiers turn away from Kim Jong Un and then, Kim Jong Un starts grunting.]

That was in my heart! He punched me in the heart. What an animal! [Kim Jong Un takes long breath] Okay, turn back around. This is nonsense. I am strong as a dragon.

[Kim Jong Un turns around and tries to go back to his seat.]

Okay, forget it.

[He starts crawling as he can’t limp on stairs.] [Nurse tries to get him up]

I am fine! [Cut to Nurse and Kim Jong Un] I am fine! Would a man with a gout be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing]

Would a man with two broken ankles be able to do this?

[Kim Jong Un starts dancing again]

Now, everybody turn around!

[As everyone turns away from Kim Jong Un, he screams in pain.] [Nurse passes a packed juice to Kim Jong Un]

Oh, cranberry! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House] [Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone] [Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.] [Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.