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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 1
NBC: Our Age Is Showing
(Fade in on a deteriorated NBC peacock logo with its colored feathers deteriorated/peeled off on a blue/purple/red striped gradient background. The 1981-82 NBC “Our Pride Is Showing” music plays)
Female Chorus: NBC, our age is showing!
(fade)
Submitted by: Kyleman88
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 3rd, 1981
None
Rod Stewart
Michael Davis
Swifty Lazar
Tina Turner
Andy Warhol
Andy Murphy NBC: “Our Age Is Showing”Transcript
MontageNote: James Caan was scheduled to host this episode, but he dropped out because his sister was in the hospital being treated for bone marrow cancer.
The Little Richard Simmons Show
Transcript
The Clams
Summary: Brian DePalma’s latest cinematic rip-off features clams attacking the town folk of Bodega Bay, California,
Nuns On The Beach
A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney
Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.
Transcript
Prose & Cons
Summary: America’s hottest new writers are coming straight out of prison. Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) is but one example.
Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green.
Transcript
Rod Stewart performs “Dance With Me”
Rod Stewart & Tina Turner perform “Hot Legs”
SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray & Mary Gross
Summary: A preview of Tom Snyder (Joe Piscopo) hosting the “Tomorrow” show in Spanish. Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) wants to know why there aren’t any black people in the movies.
Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Transcript
The Khaddaffi Look
Transcript
Rod’s One-Night Stand
Transcript
The Funeral
Transcript
Andy Warhol’s TV
Transcript
Michael Davis
Summary: Michael Davis collectively juggles a knife, an axe, and a cleaver.
Transcript
“Season Of Glass”Summary: Christine Ebersole invites viewers to submit their own home videos, then introduces a film by Yoko Ono about John Lennon.
Rod Stewart performs “Young Turks”
Goodnights
Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 7: 1981-1982
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Starring:
Featuring:
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SummaryWhere’s the cast? Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy are still there, but what happened to everyone else? The “new” cast wasn’t working out, nor was the new producer, so NBC placed Dick Ebersol in charge of production, and he gave the show a brand new face-lift. Ebersol produced the very last episode of the 1980 season (just before the writer’s strike), brought in a few new players, and they’ve carried over into the new season. Joining Piscopo and Murphy this season are part-time “SCTV” players Robin Duke and Tony Rosato, Christine Ebersole, Mary Gross, Tim Kazurinsky and former writer/featured SNL performer Brian Doyle-Murray.
This season did things a little differently. The cold openings didn’t end with the shouting of “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, and in fact were often replaced by a fake commercial bumper. Missing, also, was the monologue. Instead, the cast was introduced as a group on the front stage, then they would run into their places for the first sketch.
However, older fans of the show received a treat (on Halloween night, no less), when former cast member John Belushi made a cameo appearance in the men’s room on an episode hosted by Donald Pleasance. Belushi had promised to make the cameo appearance if Fear was booked as a musical guest. Even though he had no lines in the skit, there he was, the original “Bad Boy” of “SNL”.
This season played out in an unusual manner, but the show was saved from cancellation by the performances of the new cast – Eddie Murphy, especially, with his huge assortment of characters, including Ho Entrepreneur Velvet Jones and Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood. Still not the greatest season in SNL history, but 1981 picked up the pieces that had been scattered rampantly at the beginning of the decade.
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Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
…..Chevy Chase
Raheem Abdul Monhammed…..Eddie Murphy
…..Laurie Metcalf
…..Al Franken
Announcer: [ snooty ] This edition of “Weekend Update” is brought to you by… Smitt-Burney. Where we make money the old-fashioned way — WE STEAL IT!
[ dissolve to Chevy Chase on the phone at the news desk ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: No, no… I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and… [ he snaps his fingers, then sees the camera ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I’m Chevy Chase, and… you still aren’t.
In the top of the news tonight… [ he flips a sheet over ] The war in El Salvador ended today, apparently, when the last villager in the entire country was shot in the head.
Well, actress MacKenzie Phillips and her father John Phillips said today that they have been offered all forms of drugs for one full year, but have finally gotten their heads together. Here they are seen celebrating having just announced their wedding plans.
As you all know, there has been a controversy over the so-called missing jokes of President Reagan, told between a Hilton Hotel and George Washington University Hospital. We at “Weekend Update” have located the missing jokes. The first, told between Avenue M and 19th Street, was: “Are we in Philadelphia, or are you just glad to see me?” The second, told as the limosine passed a red light on Avenue P, was: “I feel like a hundred dollars.” Secret Servicemen next chuckled when President Reagan said: “Who’s on first?” There will be more jokes upcoming, we’re sure!
This, uh — [ Chevy attempts to say “This just in”, but trips on his tongue and playfully sputters gibberish to the audience’s delight ]
This just in from Israel, where Talmudic scholars claim to have unearthed startling evidence that God may be Black. According to the report, the original Hebrew of the Old Testement, which is mistranslated, and the passage was: “I am that I am” should read: “I is what I is.” More on this story as it develops.
Alexander Haig, on his trip to the Mideast, stopped off at the Vatican to visit Pope John Paul, where he discovered that the Pope was away. Haig immediately announced: “I’m in control here.” [ points to the Pope’s photo ] The Pope!
Chevy Chase: Well, with a look at what’s going on in cinema, here’s “Weekend Update” film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed.
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Chevy Chase! Look here — last week I went to see “Stir Crazy” over at the Twin Theater on 42nd at Broadway. Now, I like Twin Theater — I see all my movies at Twin Theater. But I wish I hadn’t seen “Stir Crazy”, ’cause, see, I was confused. Now, I don’t know why people are saying “Stir Crazy” is so funny. First of all, they had Gene Wilder in this isolation tank for half the movie, with these wires and whatnot all over him, right? Then, later on, his arms start swelling up and he turns into a caveman! I didn’t think that part was funny. Then, when he was in the hour, Gene Wilder’s feet turned into MONKEY feet! And the most ridiculous part about it was, later on, Gene Wilder turned into Richard Pryor… and was running around the city buck-naked with some dogs chasing him. I had to feel bad for him. They must have filmed that part after he got burnt or something, I didn’t think that was him. Then he went to the zoo and threw soem rocks at a deer — I didn’t understand that, either. And then all of a sudden, Gene Wilder was laying on the rock buck-naked again. That was too deep for me. Don’t take your kids. And another thing — people you see on the commercials, they be talking about: “We bad, that’s right.” I didn’t see that in the WHOLE movie! So if somebody walk up to you and say, “Hey, man, you see ‘Stir Crazy’?” You tell them Raheem Abdul Mohammed told you it wasn’t very damn funny! Back to you, Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Raheem.
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You welcome!
[ Chevy holds out his hand for a shake ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You want to buy some reefer?
[ Chevy glances off-camera ]
Raheem Abdul Mohammed: We talk about that later, Chevy.
Chevy Chase: At a press conference in Moscow this week, Soviet Premier Leonid Breznev proclaimed that he would give the Polish Communist Party more time to work out its problems. Putting his hands over his eyes, the president then said: [ puts his hands over his eyes ] “One-thousand one… one-thousand two…one-thousand three…” [ he lowers his hands ] Then he did this: [ he rips a sheet in paper in half ] I don’t know why!
[ image: train wreck ] Well, it was a bad day for the Little Engine That Could. It couldn’t, and it didn’t.
Chevy Chase: Actor Jimmy Stewart said last week that he’d take a bullet for the President. We sent “Weekend Update” reporter Laurie Metcalf to ask New Yorkers if they, like Jimmy Stewart, would take a bullet for the President, and if so, where?
[ cut to New York street scenes ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?
Random New Yorker: Uh — no, ma’am. No.
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Is there someone you would take a bullet for?
Random New Yorker: Yes, I would, uh, I would take a bullet for, uh, my family or my children or my wife or my loved ones, something like that.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I would take any particular part of my body to protect the President from any assault or any harm to himself.
[ cut to Metcalf and a New Yorker ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Jimmy Stewart said, when President Reagan was wounded, that he would have taken the bullet. Would you take a bullet for a president?
Random New Yorker: [ leaning into the microphone ] Why not? It’s our patriotic duty to defend our president.
[ cut to Metcalf with another New Yorker ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for a president?
Random New Yorker: Nope.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: No.
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?
Random New Yorker: I’d take it for my mother, that’s it.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Honestly speaking? Uh — I would.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Not on the tri-system of justice, no way! Unfortunately for us, what would be the point?
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?
Random New Yorker: When this country gets back to law-and-order, THAT’S when I think about taking a bullet the president!
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I wouldn’t take it for the president, if he wouldn’t take it for me.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?
Random New Yorker: Sure.
Laurie Metcalf V/O: Uh — where would you take the bullet?
Random New Yorker: Anywhere it was coming — head, chest, stomach…
Laurie Metcalf V/O: If you could choose?
Random New Yorker: If I could choose? Yeah, I’d rather take it in the arm.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I would take it in the brain.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Probably, I would try to take it in my arm or my leg.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: Well, I’m not gonna take it in the head.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I never gave it a thought.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: I’d probably jump up high — that way, if the bullet came, it would probably hit in the chest or something… or maybe in the back. It wouldn’t be enough to kill, but enough to cripple, and at the same time, my thought, being a friend of the president, would block him.
[ cut to another New Yorker ]
Random New Yorker: That’s a tough question to ask, would I take it for someone else. No one could answer that. To be honest with you, I really don’t know.
[ cut to Laurie Metcalf ]
Laurie Metcalf: That’s how New Yorkers feel. This is Laurie Metcalf, “Weekend Update”.
[ dissolve to Weekend Update slide ]
[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, trying to flick a booger off of his fingers ]
[ Chevy looks up, surprised to see the camera on him ]
Chevy Chase: Thank you!
Secretary of State Alexander Haig is also visiting the Middle East and Spain. While in Spain, the Secretary got a case of the Touristas. Haig held a news conference and said, “I’m in control.”
Speaking of Spain, Generalissimo FRancisco Franco remains deceased at this time. For up-to-the-minute news concerning any change in his condition, please stay tuned to this station.
A sad piece of news came in today from the Bedford Hills Prison, where Jean Harris is serving a sentence of fifteen years. At noon yesterday, she made her second suicide attempt. Two cellmates, three wardens, and a priest were killed.
Well, Las Vegas psychic Tamara Rand announced today that she is changing her name to “Yesterday”. She gave no reason for her decision. [ glancing at news sheet ] The writer’s strike continues…
In a comprehensive report released by the White House to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, the administration announced that, heretofore, the nations of South Africa, Zaire, Angola, Chad, Ethiopia, and Liberia.
In an attempt to modernize its services, the Catholic Church has introduced something new into Communion. In addition to dispensing the host, priests will now, also, dispense a co-host, which symbolizes the body of Mike Douglas.
[ Chevy pushes his news sheet off the side of the desk ]
Despite the recent attack on his father, it’s business-as-usual for Ronald Reagan, Jr., shown here dancing in the ballet: “The Flaming Dip.”
In people today, Erik Estrada, the actor, severely lacerated the inside portion of his ankle recently, while merely attempting to start his motorycle during the filming of a “CHiPs” episode. The 1000 CC bike then fell on his hair and hand, causing inexplicable publicity. Sources close to Estrada said they laughed and laughed.
Chevy Chase: [ holding up news sheet ] Hey, look at this!
[ image: two Sammy Davis, Jrs. on a stamp ] This just in, again: Here’s a mint issue of Zimbabwe’s first Air Mail stamp. [ Chevy appears confused ]
More really bad news for the Columbia space shuttle. Not only has a take-off been delayed for over two years, but at two o’clock today, Lt. Strickland of the Canaveral Police issued the shuttle a parking ticket, with fines exceeding $3 million. [ he chuckles ] “We tried to be lenient,” the lieutenant said, “but they’ve been here two years, and it is a six-hour zone.”
Chevy Chase: And now, to talk about the new “Saturday Night Live” staf and, of course, himself, is former “Weekend Update” correspondent, Mr. Al Franken. Al?
Al Franken: Thanks, Chevy. It’s nice to see someone else from the old show. [ he smiles impishly ] You know, most of you probably know me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] from the Al Franken Decade reports I did last year. Or from the Franken & Davis shows that my partner, Tom Davis, and I did over the five years of the original “Saturday Night Live”. Now, during the past six months, I have suffered countless instances of personal embarrassment, from people coming up to me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] and saying, “Hey, Al! Al Franken! Are you still writing for the show?” Or, “Al! Al Franken! How’s the show going?” Well, I’m here tonight to set the record straight. I am not involved, in any way, with the new “Saturday Night Live”.
[ the audience applauds ]
Now, there’s been a lot of articles on how “Saturday Night” fell apart. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] Now, here’s one in this week’s TV Guide. It’s a pretty good one, it’s okay. [ he opens to an inner page, headlined: “The Debacle of the Year” ] I don’t know if you can see that, but… the real story has never been told… ’til tonight. And you can believe it, because it’s coming from me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]
You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night”, decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. [ pull back to bring Chevy Chase into the shot ] Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then — then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them — them, we missed. [ return to close-up of Al ] So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]
So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian, an associate producer on the show. Now, I don’t want to be cruel to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. Now, I know Dick because he was a network executive in charge of late-night programming when “Saturday Night” started, and, as such, was the first person to steal credit for the success of “Saturday Night”, credit which should rightfully go to Lorne Michaels and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ]
Now, let me give you some background on Dick “Mr. Humor” Ebersol. His credits include “The Waverly Wonders” starring Joe Namath, “Rollergirls”, and a show called “Valerie” about a kid from Brooklyn who dances every night at a disco. Now, to this day, Dick claims that he never saw “Saturday Night Fever”, and that it was all an amazing coincidence. Anyway, I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ]
Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean. But it’s clearly time to yank this tired old format off the air. So if you’re wondering what you can do for me, Al Franken… [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] please write a card or letter to:
Put SNL To Sleep
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York 10020
Let’s put this show out of its misery! You’ll be doing a great favor for yourselves, and for me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Thank you!
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al. Al, you’re actually going to be hosting the show next week, is that right?
Al Franken: Yeah. It’ll be, uh — my partner Tom Davis, and, uh, and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] We’ll be hosting, and our special guest will be The Grateful Dead.
Chevy Chase: Well, thanks, Al.
Al Franken: Yeah. So watch next week, but not after that.
Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al.
[ they stare one another down for a moment ]
Chevy Chase: This just in. [ Chevy glances at the page, then puts it down ]
Well, how long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave oven? Exactly 55 seconds per pound, claims Mrs. Nelson Lynde of Glancing Blow, Michigan, who turned this smally fry into a small roast in just eight minutes and fifteen seconds. And to that, let me add: Well done! [ he laughs ]
Chevy Chase: And that’s the news on this, the 81st day of the freedom for the hostages from Iran. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[ the camera holds on Chevy for an extended period, as he sips from a glass of water while waiting for the scene to fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars
Frank Sinatra
Frank Sinatra … Joe Piscopo
Jerry Hemphill … Tony Rosato
Melissa … Gail Matthius
Harold Duffy … Tim Kazurinsky
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Frank Sinatra!
(Frank comes down the stairs and takes center stage. An American flag backdrop unfurls behind him.)
Frank Sinatra: (sings)
It’s time for you
It’s time for you
I’m tellin’ you that dreams come true
Come on baby, it’s time, time, time
It’s time for youuuuu!
(Applause)
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. You’re marvelous. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. This is Francis Albert reminding you that it is time, it’s time that — for all of us to start buying and driving American cars. Recently I visited the Motor City, and I have to be quite honest with you, that I did not like what I saw. Capisce? Thousands, thousands and thousands of beautiful guys and chicks out of work because you are not buying American cars. Now I’d like you to meet one of the guys America forgot, if you’d be so kind, please welcome, from the United Auto Workers of America, Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen!
(Jerry emerges wearing a mechanic’s uniform and carrying a tool box. He sets down the tool box.)
Frank Sinatra: It’s, it’s very nice to have you here, Jerry. Speak. (points the microphone towards Jerry)
Jerry: Thank you, tha – good to be here, Frank. Well Frank, I-I used to work for Chrysler, and uh, I was installing power seat assemblies, until I got laid off, uh … well it’s bad enough for me and my old lady, you know, but uh, it’s hard to see the kids staying at home, just uh, starving.
Frank Sinatra: (points to the camera) You hear that, America? Because you do not care enough to drive and buy American cars.
Jerry: That’s right, Frank, I’ll tell ya, these people, they just build their cars, out of cheap, thin aluminum! Now I’ve got something to show you here, Frank …
(He opens his tool box and takes out a beer can)
Frank Sinatra: We’re talkin’ foreign labor here. We’re talkin’ Japs, ladies and gentlemen.
Jerry: This is a Japanese beer can, right here, Fred. Now you see how they’re cheap, thin aluminum.
(He picks up a bowling ball, also from the tool box.)
Jerry: Now your, your American cars, your American cars are built solid, like a J.C. Higgins bowling ball! You follow me, Frank? Huh?
Frank Sinatra: I got you, Jerry.
(Jerry smashes the beer can against the bowling ball, then says to the audience)
Jerry: You just thank God your family wasn’t in HERE. (indicates the crushed beer can)
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Jerry Hemphill, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, Jerry.
(Applause)
Frank Sinatra: Thank you so much. And now I’d like uh, viewers to meet someone that wasn’t so lucky, ladies and gentlemen.
(A nurse brings out a little girl, Melissa, in a wheelchair.)
Frank Sinatra: Tell us your name, sweetheart.
Melissa: Melissa.
Frank Sinatra: Melissa, tell the people your story.
Melissa: (speaking quickly) Well, my dad got one of those cheap, Japanese cars, you know, and we were going to my grandmother’s house you know for dinner, and um, and my dad ran into this cow, and he hurt the cow real bad, and I had to go to the hospital — (sobs) — and now I can’t play with the other children.
Frank Sinatra: God bless you, sweetheart.
Melissa: (cries) … and now I can’t even do that …
Frank Sinatra: Okay America, you wanna know the reason to stop buyin’ Jap cars? Huh? I got a thousand reasons …
(SUPER: photo of a cemetery)
Frank Sinatra: … like the rows upon rows of simple white crosses that mark the graves at Arlington National Cemetery.
(SUPER: photo of Pearl Harbor being blown up)
Frank Sinatra: I take you back to December 7th, 1941. And the story of a young gunner aboard the USS Arizona.
(Back to Frank.)
Frank Sinatra: Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed my honor to introduce to you, Harold Duffy, US Navy, retired.
(Applause as Harold emerges, giving a salute with his right arm – his only arm.)
Frank Sinatra: (points to the stump) Okay chief, tell ’em how it happened.
Harold: Oh, I remember, I was playin’ the harmonica and laughin’ it up with some of my buddies ‘board the USS Arizona n’ then … from outta nowhere came them Jap planes … them machine guns spittin’ death … I lost my best buddy that day, Frank.
Frank Sinatra: I know what you mean. When we were shooting “From Here to Eternity,” I had to leave the set every day because of the tears in my eyes.
Harold: Frank … when you think of that, the next time you see a friend or neighbor drivin’ one of them Jap mobiles, you tell them that the same tuna-heads, that put together the assembly of that, that durn thing are, probably the same people who’re responsible for jammin’ bamboo chutes under these — (holds up his stump, then holds up his right hand) — THESE fingernails.
Frank Sinatra: Ouch.
Harold: Well who can understand the Oriental mind, Frank? I tell ya, the … you-you’re talkin’ about a people who build their houses out of paper. People who, who build their uh, who — they call their planes Zeroes … they call their boats JUNKS!
Frank Sinatra: Wait, wait — for the record, chief, I think the Junks are Chinese, not Japanese.
Harold: (becoming more hostile) What’s the difference?! You ‘member on Bonanza, whenever there was a range war, where the hell was Hop Sing anyway, huh? And you’re buyin’ cars from, from people that — they eat raw fish! Think of that! How would you like to open the glove compartment of, of your Honda, and find …
(He pulls a large trout out of his suit and wiggles it around.)
Harold: … one of THESE in here?!
Frank Sinatra: Thank you very much. Harold Duffy, ladies and gentlemen, US Navy, retired, from the USS Arizona.
(Applause.)
Frank Sinatra: Thank you, Harold Duffy … After, after hearing all these beautiful people speak tonight, there is only one thing I can say … (music swells up)
(sings)
Let’s strive for America
Strive for America
Each time I see those Datsun Z’s
I wanna punch out a Japanese
Go to hell, Toyota
Drop dead, Subaru
Let’s ride for America
Take pride in Americaaa …
Let’s drive for America
Old Red, I’m talkin, White,
And a-Bluuuuuuuuue!
(Applause as music continues)
(SUPER: “DRIVE FOR AMERICA”)
Submitted by: The G Man
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars
The Self-Righteous
Announcer…..Michael O’Donoghue
Nurse…..Robin Duke
Police Officer…..Tony Rosato
Reporter…..Joe Piscopo
Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky
Gunshot Victim…..Eddie Murphy
(Open on a still of a hospital where we see the superimposed text “Coming This Fall on NBC” in its coporate font with the NBC peacock logo on the bottom left corner of the screen. Jazzy, commanding music plays in the background)
Announcer V/O: They’re tough. They’re dedicated. They’re professionals who take their jobs seriously. They’re the self-righteous.
(Fade in on the hospital’s interior where we see the title card superimposed on the screen. The nurse at the front desk is seen talking on the phone. The title fades out as she hangs it up and a policeman walks in.)
Police Officer: Okay, look. I got to talk to that gunshot victim in there just for a few seconds, okay? I mean, it could help us get that killer off the streets.
Nurse: Well, forget it. That man in there is seriously injured. I’m a nurse and a damn good one and it’s my job to save lives, not play Cops and Robbers.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe if you cooperated, there’d be some more people out there that you wouldn’t have to patch up later. I’m a cop, damn it! It’s my job to protect them! (A reporter walks in holding a pencil and a note pad )
Reporter: Yeah, Daily Press. Iwas wondering if–
Police Officer: No comments on this case.
Reporter: Hey, I don’t know what you’re covering up in there, but those people out there have a right to know! I’m a reporter! It’s my duty to tell them! A doctor runs in)
Doctor: Hey, hey. This is a hospital. There are people dying in there. Now, I don’t know what’s going on out here, but I’m reponsible for their lives. So, shut up! (Takes off his surgical mask)
Nurse: [sarcastically] Oh-ho. Oh-ho! Well, maybe if you spent a little less time dealing with microbes and dealt with people like me, then maybe you’d understand them.
Doctor: Understanding people doesn’t save their lives.
Reporter: Hey, while you two are standing there talking, there are people in there dying and people out there waiting for the truth.
Police Officer: Oh, yeah? Why don’t you try walking a beat, huh? (The reporter scoffs as the gunshot victim walks in)
Gunshot Victim: Hey, wait a minute! Don’t I have a say here? After all, it’s my body! I’m a patient here. I’m a human being with human rights (turns to the doctor) and for one, I demand the right to die with dignity.
Doctor: You only have a flesh wound.
Gunshot Victim: And two, I have the right–
Doctor: Don’t bore us with that stuff. Listen–
Gunshot Victim: Hey, don’t point at me. My mother’s dead.
(Everyone starts arguing as the music starts playing again)
Announcer V/O: Five tediously self-absorbed people. The Self-Righteous. Coming this fall on NBC, proud as a peacock.
(Fade to a black background with the NBC peacock with the text NBC PROUD AS A PEACOCK below)
Submitted by: Kyleman88
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars
Same
Irene Cara…..Gail Matthius
[ open on male dancers on stage ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Miss Irene Cara!
[ Irene runs out and stands between the male dancers ]
Irene Cara: [ singing ]
“Baby, look at me
The girl who’s on TV
Sing the same song every time
Now you must know every rhyme by heart!
Grammys, Oscars, too
I do Captain Kangaroo
But you’re in good company
If you’re bored, think of me!
It’s always the sa-ame!
(Same!)
I sing the same some forever!
Next time, I may sing “Mame”!
(Mame!)
Suffer the least rejection
And not have to wear these pants!
(Pants!)
I keep getting yeast infections
This song has been always the same!
(Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same! Same!)
At the Golden Globes
They ran short on stuff
Oh no, that was really nice
‘Cause they made me sing it twice in a row!
Diana Ross, for sure
Did not start out this way
All the kids at 21
Get to go out and have fun!
But me, it’s the same!
(Same!)
I sing this song forever
Just like some sci-fi film!
(Shoo!)
I play this lead on “Love Boat”
I play bits without malice!
(Same!)
I sing this song, the nation
Switches channels to “Dallas”
(Dallas!)
I wonder where all the fun went
Let me tell you, just goes redundant!
(Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant! Redundant!)
Remember my name!
I wish I was Marie Osmond
I think I’m going to flip!
(Wow!)
I could now sing “Aida”
Get to wear clothes that unzip!
(Wow!)
I could not live forever
Constantly bearing the shame!
(Shame!)
Of being the only human
Who always sings exactly the same!
Exactly the same!
(Same!)”
[ Irene and her back-up dancers stop, with their arms in the air ]
[ after a moment, the music kicks up again, and Irene and her back-up dancers hop off the stage and shimmy down the outer hall of Studio 8-H ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars
SNL Storage Room
…..Chevy Chase
…..Denny Dillon
[ open on exterior, Studio 8-H, as Chevy Chase enters the hallway to thunderous audience applause ]
[ Chevy approaches a Storeroom closet, looks around, then opens the door ]
[ as he does, Denny Dillon suddenly exits ]
Chevy Chase: What, uh — what happened to my dressing room?
Denny Dillon: Well, uh, Chevy, you see… NBC had to tighten their belts a little — you know, cut back on budget — so we all dress in there now.
Chevy Chase: Oh, yeah?
Denny Dillon: Turn off the light when you leave, okay?
Chevy Chase: Okay.
[ Denny walks away, the elongated feather in her hat tickling its way across Chevy’s nose, prompting him to sneeze into his hand helplessly ]
[ Chevy enters the storeroom to find 70’s-era SNL props and costumes ]
Chevy Chase: Oh, wow… [ he touches various props ] Coneheads… [ he spots his Land Shark head, covered in cobwebs ] Ah! [ he sticks his hand through the head and mumbles ] “Mrs….?”
[ suddenly, the sound of Mr. Bill mumbling in a trash heap can be heard, so Chevy digs him out of the pile of cobwebbed beer cans ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! Chevy! Thanks a lot for taking me out of there! I didn’t think anyone would EVER find me!
Chevy Chase: Oh, Mr. Bill… what — what happened to you?
Mr. Bill: Oh, well, gee! We had a big party at the end of last season, and, oh, I guess I drank too much and I must have passed out!
Chevy Chase: Oh…
Mr. Bill: And when I came to, I was trapped in here and couldn’t get out!
Chevy Chase: Oh, you poor little fellow! Well, gee, everybody’s been wondering what the heck you’ve been doing!
Mr. Bill: That’s right! I was supposed to do a whole lot of important things before I got trapped in here. Boy, I bet Benjy is real mad at me — I was supposed to co-star with him in a movie! I sure hope they got a decent replacement.
Chevy Chase: [ stung ] Uh — it’s a SILLY idea anyway, Mr. Bill! [ he peels Mr. Bill’s nose off and tosses it over his shoulder ] I’m sure it wasn’t important
Mr. Bill: So, uh, Chevy, uh — am I late for the new season?
Chevy Chase: Well… yeah, you’re a little late, but they all are! [ he grabs Mr. Bill ] Gee, Mr. Bill…
Mr. Bill: Be careful.
Chevy Chase: I get this feeling they just don’t have the time for old-timers like us any more. The fans just don’t care that much.
Mr. Bill: Oh, now come on, Chevy! Don’t feel that way. Hey, look — we can make a comeback, huh? Hey, you know, they were even talking to me about anchoring “Weekend Update”! Say! Maybe you can do those funny faces behind me like you used to, huh? Hey, that’d be funny!
Chevy Chase: [ poking Mr. Bill roughly in the belly ] That’s a FUNNY idea! Ha ha ha ha! [ he tweaks Mr. Bill’s face viciously ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, wait! Hey, hey! Watch that! Hey, Chevy, come on!
Chevy Chase: I’ll tell you something, Mr. Bill — I don’t think they really care about slapstick any more. Hey, by the way — [ he begins to hammer Mr. Bill against his palm, the clay man’s head flying ]
Mr. Bill: Hey! Hey, wait! Hey, uh… Chevy… I’m down on the floor. Could you help me?
Chevy Chase: [ looking around ] Oh. Sorry, Mr. Bill. [ he picks up his clay head ] I almost lost you for a second!
Mr. Bill: Listen, Chevy, um — um —
Chevy Chase: You must be exhausted.
[ Chevy attempts to put Mr. Bill’s nose back, dislodging his head in the process ]
Mr. Bill: Listen, have you seen my dog, Spot, lately? I sent him for help last year!
Chevy Chase: Spot? I — I’ll look around.
[ Chevy takes a step back, as we hear a muffled dog bark ]
Chevy Chase: Whoa-oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, what?! What was that Spot?
Chevy Chase: I don’t know. I stepped on something?
[ Chevy turns his shoe over to reveal a flattened Spot ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, noooo!!
Chevy Chase: Oh!
Mr. Bill: Hey, Chevy! You ought to be more careful where you step!
Chevy Chase: [ hopping around ] I — I can get him off! Don’t you worry about a thing.
[ Chevy grabs the Samurai sword to scrape Spot off his shoe ]
Mr. Bill: Hey, you watch that sword, Chevy!
Chevy Chase: I’ll just get him off, don’t worry.
Mr. Bill: No, no, watch out! Leave him alone!
Chevy Chase: [ losing his balance ] Tell you what, you relax here —
Mr. Bill: Hey, watch out, be careful!
Chevy Chase: I’m not gonna step on him again!
[ Chevy grabs a clothes rack and topples over backwards ]
Mr. Bill: Oh, nooooo!!! Ohhhhh!!!
[ crumpled amidst all the props, Chevy glances at the camera and shouts ]
Chevy Chase: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 6: Episode 12
80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars
I Married a Monkey
Tim…..Tim Kazurinsky
Mike…..Tony Rosato
[ open on Mike and Tim eating dinner at the table ]
Mike: Oh — I’ve had enough, I’m stuffed! That was the BEST scrambled eggs I’ve ever had, Tim. That was good.
Tim: The secret is to throw in a little minced onion.
Mike: Yeah? Well, I wish Louise could cook eggs like this, I’ll tell ya’.
Tim: By the way, how is Louise?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: Louise? She’s, uh — she’s fine. Why? I just took her to a movie last night. We went to see “Cannibal Women”. Have you seen that? Real boring.
Tim: What about your dance committee?
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Mike: What about the dance committee?
Tim: Madge told me she had to help Louise last night with some dance committee problems.
Mike: No, no. There’s no problem with the dance committee.
Tim: Madge said she had to go over to your HOUSE, to help Louise with some problems with the DANCE committee!
Mike: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah… the dance committee. Look, uh — I’ll tell you, uh — I went to bed early, so she must have come in after I went to bed, Tim…
Tim: [ standing ] DAMMIT, Mike! [ music sting ] Don’t cover for her! Don’t you start lying to me, too, okay?! You expect your best friend to tell you the truth!
Mike: Look, Tim. I mean, how was I supposed to —
Tim: Shh!
[ the music flourishes as Madge, a monkey, enters the kitchen and climbs on the table ]
Mike: Morning, Madge. You’re looking, uh — you’re looking well. I was just telling Tim you were — Louise and I are joining a health club next week. Maybe you’d like to join us, or… maybe you wouldn’t.
[ Tim kisses Madge on the cheek ]
Mike: Well, look, Tim, I gotta get running, okay? I can’t hang around. Madge, it was nice seeing you again, take care. Uh, I gotta run. I’ll see you later.
[ Mike exits the house, as Madge pells a banana and drops the peel on the floor ]
Tim: Weren’t you the least bit surprised to see Mike Short here this morning? [ music sting ] No? Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?
[ Madge ignores Tim and peels another banana ]
Tim: Why is it, that whenever I confront you with ANYTHING like this, you say nothing? Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to control your life, I… I just want to know what you were doing until four in the morning. That’s right, I was awake when you came in last night. I heard you stumbling around downstairs. You, of all people, stumbling. Were you drunk? Were you high on some sort of drug?
[ Madge grabs the lid of a sugar bowl and begins to sniff it ]
Tim: Madge — [ cracking up ] Madge, don’t you see what I’m trying to DO here?! I’m trying to save our MARRIAGE! I’m trying to save our FAMILY!
[ suddenly, crying is heard offscreen ]
[ soap opera music flourishes ]
Tim: Maggie’s awake.
[ Tim exits the kitchen ]
[ he re-enters with a baby monkey who’s desperately trying to hold onto the stagehand behind the setpiece, to the point of yanking both of them back behind the setpiece ]
[ Tim returns to the table alone, as the baby monkey screeches off-camera ]
[ cut back to catch the stagehand pushing the baby monkey back onto the set ]
[ Tim picks up the baby monkey, as the audience erupts into thunderous applause ]
Tim: Now you’re trying to turn our child against me! [ he puts the baby monkey on the floor, then turns to Madge ] Look at you! Look at the bags under your eyes! Madge, when is this nightmare going to end? And what about your mother? If this marriage were to break up, it would kill her. It’s the same thing… every morning, you’re too tired because you’ve been out half the night. What have you been telling her?
[ the phone rings ]
Tim: Of course, I’ll have to get it, right?
[ Tim answers the phone to a monkey screeching on the line ]
Tim: Hello? Hello? Who is this? Hello? Hello!
[ the monkey on the line hangs up ]
[ Madge purses her lips ]
Tim: He hung up! Madge, he hung up! Who was that man?! [ dramatic soap opera music soars ] Madge! I… can’t take this any more! [ crying ] Who was that man?! Is there somebody else?
Announcer: Tune in next week, for the continuing saga… “I Married a Monkey”.
