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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

New Cast Member or Arcade Fire

…..Kenan Thompson
…..Tina Fey
…..
…..Kyle Mooney
…..Régine Chassagne
…..Noël Wells
…..Win Butler
…..Mike O’Brien
…..Lorne Michaels

Announcer: It’s time for America’s FAVORITE game show!

Audience: New! Cast Member! Or! Arcade Fire!

Kenan Thompson: Yes! Hello, and welcome to “New Cast Member or Arcade Fire.” The game is simple: Contestants must attempt to tell the difference between a member of Arcade Fire… [ image of band ] and one of “SNL”‘s new featured players. [ similar image of cast members ] Let’s meet tonight’s celebrity guest. She made you laugh on “30 Rock”, and she can be a real BossyPants. Miss Tina Fey!

[ Tina approaches the podium ]

Tina Fey: Thank you! It’s great to be here!

Kenan Thompson: Ah, nice to have you, Tina. Now, you’ve been working with some of the new folks this week. You feel good about your chances?

Tina Fey: No! I do not think that I will do well!

Kenan Thompson: Well, let’s begin! Tina, here’s the first match-up.

[ ?? and a nervous Kyle Mooney step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina… Which one is the new cast member, and which one’s in Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Okay, let’s see, uh… The guy on the left looks comfortable on stage, kind of hip clothes, looks a little alternative. But the guy in the glasses has a real deer-in-the-headlights look… he’s already sweated through his ironic “Boston Legal” t-shirt. I feel pretty good about this — The guy in the glasses is the new cast member.

[ ding! ]

Kenan Thompson: You are correct! That is right! This is the new “SNL” cast member!

Kyle Mooney: [ waving ] Hey, Tina! Or should I say: [ in a funny voice ] Salutations!

Kenan Thompson: NO!! Do NOT do that!! NO SILLY VOICES!! Not here! That is NOT GOOD!! Get your ass out of here!

[ the two men exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: So sorry, Tina. That was not supposed to happen.

Tina Fey: No, no… he seems like he’s gonna be great. [ she sticks out her tongue ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright! Tina! Here’s your next challenge.

[ Régine Chassagne and Noël Wells step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay — new cast member, or Arcade Fire?

Tina Fey: Huh? Okay, this is getting a little tougher. Both are MAJOR LEAGUE pixies… Wow… talk about a Spohie’s choice. Okay, I’m trying to picture either of them in Arcade Fire, um… Can I see what they would look like holding old-timey instruments?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, absolutely. Can we bring in the old-timey instruments?

[ two models hand old-timey instruments to the two women ]

Tina Fey: Wow… those look massively stupid. Uh, I don’t know… The one in the polka-dots is in Arcade Fire.

[ buzz! ]

Kenan Thompson: Oooooooohhhh, I’m sorry! That’s incorrect. That is actually a new cast member.

Noël Wells: [ excited ] Tina! It’s SUCH an honor to meet you! I mean, the whole reason I got into comedy was to —

Kenan Thompson: HEY!! NO LINES!! YOU GET NO LINES!! That’s something you gotta EARN!! Okay?! Get out of here!! Get your ass out!!

[ both women exit the stage ]

Kenan Thompson: Once again, Tina, I am very sorry.

Tina Fey: No, that’s okay. I remember when I was a new cast member, and —

Kenan Thompson: Shh! Tina, this isn’t an interview. Alright! Here comes Round 3!

[ Win Butler and Mike O’Brien step out ]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, Tina — Take it away.

Tina Fey: Oof! Okay. This guy in the tie is coming in real hot… he seems way too happy with himself. And, uh — ah, on the left, we’ve got some kind of hipster Paul Bunyan… could be a Civil War re-enactor, or like a Serbian basketball player. I — No, I can’t tell who’s on “SNL”. Can I see them do an impression?

Kenan Thompson: Gentlemen: Your finest De Niro.

Mike O’Brien: Sure. [ as Travis Bickle ] “You talkin’ to ME?! Are you talkin’ to me?!”

Win Butler: [ as Jack Byrnes ] “I’m watchin’ you, Focker! I’m watchin’ you!”

Tina Fey: Wow, that, uh… that does not help at all. Can I Phone-A-Friend?

Kenan Thompson: We’ll do you one better. Send in the Lifeline!

[ Lorne Michaels enters ]

Kenan Thompson: Ah, Lorne Michaels! Lorne, do you think you could help Tina out and tell us which one is the new cast member? Ten seconds.

Announcer V/O: Remember: As Producer of “Saturday Night Live”, he himself recently hired one of these people to be in the cast. The other one is a musician who’s been booked on “SNL” four times in the last six years. Now… Lorne must decide which is the new cast member.

[ buzzer dings ]

Lorne Michaels: Is it… the Black one?

Kenan Thompson: What?! You mean ME?! NO, man!! I’M KENAN!!

[ Lorne exits ]

Kenan Thompson: Alright. Well, uh… That was a humbling round. He thinks I’m a new cast member. The ude’s known me half my life. He called me “The Black One”, didn’t he? [ Tina nods ] Well, the show is over!

Tina Fey: Oh! do I win anything?

Kenan Thompson: Don’t you have enough?! [ to the audience ] See you next week, I guess!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Tina Fey’s Monologue

…..Tina Fey
…..Featured Players of “Saturday Night Live”

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Tina Fey!

Tina Fey: [ she checks her breast area for posible slippage ] Thank you! Ohhhh, thank you so much! Oh, my gosh! I am SO glad to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”, um, because some of you might know I don’t have a show any more… and, uh, unless I’m on TV once every three weeks, a little part of me dies. How am I going to manage to get the best table at Subway if I don’t have a TV show?

You know, I worked here at “SNL” for nine years, and, uh… [ the audience cheers wildly ] And I’m always so excited to get the chance to come back and do all my big recurring characters again! Oh, yeah — I had SOOO many popular characters that people still ask me about. Like… “Johnny Jean Jacket”… [ reveal still ] That was a big one. Queef Latina… [ reveal still ] Which, of course, went on to become a HUGE Paramount motion picture: “Queef Latina Ruins Christmas.” [ reveal movie poster ] Yep. Hold on to your hat, I’m gonna do ALL of them! I’m gonna do Salvador Dali Parton… [ reveal still ] Alright? Not to be confused with Reba McIntired. And, everybody remembers “The Lady with No Theme Song”!

[ cut to theme intro ]

Jingle:
“She’s the Lady With no Theme Song.
How’s she gonna start her sketch?
No theme song!
And she’s a vampire!”

[ return to Home Base ]

Tina Fey: I’m just messing with you! I didn’t have any characters! I never did! I’m just… pleasant. But — I bet who does have a lot of new characters to show you are our SIX NEW CAST MEMBERS! [ the audience cheers ] Yeah! Six! It’s a rebuilding year… as they keep saying at my plastic surgeon’s office. Do you know what? Let’s meet ’em! Come on out here, new kids!

[ the six new cast members surround Tina ]

Tina Fey: [ to Noël Wells ] You’re real cute. How old are you, sweetheart?

Noël Wells: Uh — 26!

Tina Fey: Just stand over here. [ she motions Wells far to one side ] Guys, I’m gonna give you… your first job on the show tonight.Okay? As new cast members, one of your most important tasks is doing very embarrassing dancing behind the hosts in the monologue. Okay? Everyone does it. Here’s me dancing behind Mr. Andy Roddick. [ reveal clip ] Here’s me being a goon behind Jude Law. [ reveal clip ] And here I am in a trenchcoat with Bernie Mac. [ reveal previously unseen dress clip ] Yeah! I mean, you GOTTA do it! It’s not just for ladies! Here is the great Will Ferrell, tap-dancing with Katie Holmes. [ she looks around ] Yeah, take a look at that… [ reveal clip ] ‘Cause what happened was… Katie Holmes told us she was a really, really good tap dancer, and it turned out she was not! So Will had to get out there and make her look good. Support the host, you know? It’s humiliating, but it’s part of the job. And I am so honored that I get to be the person to do this to you. Alright? So let’s do what we practiced, guys! Go, go, go!

[ the new cast members rush offstage ]

Tina Fey: We’re gonna show America that you are in it to win it! [ she grabs a microphone ] Ladies and gentlemen — Being humiliated for the firt time anywhere… the featured players of “Saturday Night Live”!

[ the new cast members return to the Home Base wearing glitter jackets and dark pants ]

Tina Fey: SHORTS!

[ the new cast members pull off their breakaway pants; John Milhiser struggles with his pants, causing Tina to turn away and stifle a laugh ]

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Really want to make it?”

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Yes, Miss Tina!”

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Then, let me see you shake it!”

[ the new cast members shimmy-shake ]

Tina Fey: Good. Good, that’s very embarrassing. [ to John Milhiser’s belly ] You’re gonna feel a deep shame coming up from here and out. It’s natural. Remember -– It was your dream to work here. [ to Mike O’Brien ] How do you think it’s going? [ he shrugs ] It’s not. [ to Brooks Wheelan, singing ] “I hope you’re father isn’t watching.”

Brooks Wheelan: [ singing ] “Oh, he is.”

Tina Fey: [ singing ] “Then, let me see some crotching.”

[ the new cast members shake their crotches ]

Tina Fey: Oh, boy! [ to Beck Bennett ] I hope you do a lot of impressions.

[ singing ]
“It’s a rite of passage that couldn’t be gayer
Say it lous, say it proud:”

Featured Players: [ singing ] “I’M A FEATURED PLAYER!!!”

Tina Fey: Bring it home, nerds!

Featured Players:
[ dancing, singing ]
“We’ve got a great show!
Arcade Fire is heeeeeeeeeere!
So stick around, we’ll beeee…”

Tina Fey: COMMIT!!

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Right…”

Tina Fey: Let your spirit die!

Featured Players: [ singing ] “Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkkkkkk!!”

[ they pose around Tina triumphantly ]

Tina Fey: Congratulations! You’re done for the night. We’ve got a great show! Arcade Fire is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Manolo Blahniks

Breckie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Lejean Noween…..Tina Fey

(The two Ex-Porn Stars, Breckie and Her Friend, stand before columns with shoes on them as a fan blows curtains around behind them.)

Brookie: Essquite.

Friend: Endeligance.

Brookie: Stylist.

Friend: Ho Cature.

Both: The Nicest. Manual Blondick’s.

Friend: All the grits and grammar of a high class shoe

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re walking on cloud nine.

Both: With Manual Blondick’s.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not Porn Stars anymore. I’m Breckie.

Friend: And you can too.

(LeJean Noween is carried on by two female bodybuilders)

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars anymore. (Notices LeJean, Confused.) But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a taste for the…

Both: Finest?

LeJean Noween: Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No no, not yet.

LeJean Noween: Okay. (She is carried off.)

Brookie: Other shoes are flat, and for nurses. See you later, ally larder.

Friend: Good ribbance.

Brookie: Manual Blondick’s are like Dolce GaPandas, but they’re like a million dollars. They’re like Roy Royces for your feet.

Both: (Making a horn honking gesture) Beep Beep. (Breckie’s Friend is a little late on her cue.)

Friend: And they’re perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: (As the caption appears): Solstice.

(The caption reads “Cocktail attire”)

Friend: Cocktail tire.

(The Caption Reads “Black Tie Affair”)

Brookie: Black Guy affairs.

Friend: And your first Amber Alert. I guarantee it. You’ll feel like you’re drinking lobster straight out of the sink.

Brookie: You’ll feel like you’re from Fancier times, like the Gilded Anus.

Friend: You’ll feel like you’re riding in a Glass Blumpkin.

Brookie: Plus you can display them in – What’s that thing you put your stuff in?

Friend: Your Mouth.

Brookie: No, it’s like, in your house.

Friend: A Cage.

Brookie: No, like, a closet

Friend: Right, a Closet.

LeJean Noween: (carried on again) Did somebody say shoe let the dogs out?

Breckie and Friend: No, not yet.

LeJean Noween: (Defensive) Yeah, I know!!

(She is carried off again.)

Breckie and Friend: With Manual Blondicks.

Friend: One time, I got banged in the Statue of Liberty’s head. I feel like I was hearing all of America’s Thoughts. And America was thinking: More Manual Blondicks si-vous-please.

Brookie: I don’t have a butt anymore. I got banged in it so hard, the doctors had to amputate. I woke from surgery like “what da heck?”

Friend: I thought I got banged into a solar eclipse. But I was really just locked in a trunk looking through the keyhole. And I was like, “Either way.”

Brookie: I got banged by some rapping gerbils in the back of a Kia. I think some of them were people. You live and you learn. Hey, remember Old Country Buffet?

Both: (pretending, poorly, to be Old Women) Get out of here, you girls…no sex in your short shirts…(they drift into incomprehensible muttering)

LeJean Noween: (Being carried past frame) Did Someone say Shoe let the Dogs out?

Both: Where’d…where’d she go? (They carry her back in) Okay, here, okay yeah here.

(The bodybuilders put her down and exit.)

LeJean Noween: Hi, I’m LeJean Noween. I’m the queen of porn without penises, and the author of Rock Paper Scissoring Volumes I, II and IV. I’ve never seen a man’s genitals but I can still recognize good junk. That’s why I reach for Manilow’s Blankets. They’re Blankets from Barry Manilow. They’re made from his hair or somethin’, I dunno!

Brookie: Hey, stay on track, we’re trying to do this add and get free shoes from

Both girls: Manual Blondick’s.

LeJean Noween: Oh right, the plan. (They all wink, by which I mean blink, at the camera) So wear the dumb shoes, cause if you’re like me and you’ve got carpet funnel syndrome in your feet from years of toe-blasting, you’re gonna wanna wrap those puppies up in some Manilow’s blankets. And to my 8th Grade Gym Teacher Miss Gomez, bet you’re kicking’ yourself now for dumping me! PS, I saw you on “House Hunters”, you picked the wrong house Bitch! So In collision, buy some Manilow’s blankets, because everything’s better with:

Brookie: Great Style!

Friend: (Simultaneously) Butt to Butt.

All Three: With Manual Blondicks!

(Lejean thrusts her arms over her head.)

Submitted by: Ted Zoldan

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Goodnights

…..Tina Fey

Tina Fey: Thanks to Arcade Fire! Aaron Paul! Jeff Richmond! Bobby Carlock! Aw, you guys, we’ve got something very special for you tonight. The network is letting us go LONG tonight — Arcade Fire is doing a show, so don’t go anywhere! It’s about to get WE-E-E-E-E-EIRDDD!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

e-Meth

Meth Smoker #1…..Taran Killam
Meth Smoker #2…..Brooks Wheelan
Meth Smoker #3…..Kate McKinnon
Homeowner…..Kenan Thompson
Jesse Pinkman…..Aaron Paul

[ open on Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: Like a lot of people, I love to smoke. But my friends and family always make me go outside to do it. So that’s why I now use… [ he holds up electronic pipe ] e-Meth. It’s crystal meth, but it’s electronic, so it produces vapor instead of smoke. And that means I can ride the ice pony… anywhere I want. [ he puffs and smiles ]

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Smoke is a social thing for me. Without my meth pipe, I don’t know WHAT to do with my hands! [ he twiddles his thumbs ] But now I do know what to do with them: I smoke METH! [ he lights up his pipe, puffs, and chokes ] It’s good!

[ cut to Meth Smoker #3 ]

Meth Smoker #3: Thanks to e-Meth, now I don’t even need to leave the bar to get the sweet shabbu shabbu. Mama can smoke that chunky white crunch anywhere! At the office… [ footage: at the office ] At the grocery store… [ footage: stumbling around the grocery store ] In a bathtub in the middle of the road… [ footage: bathtub in road ] Or facedown in a big ol’ tire. [ footage: facedwon in big tire ]

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: And it’s healthier because it doesn’t contain antifreeze. But… it still has that great meth taste.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #1 ]

Meth Smoker #1: e-Meth lets me get totally gakked up on woop chicken, without yellowing my teeth. [ he pulls out a tooth ] See? Perfectly white. [ he holds the tooth to his ear ] What? Hello? This is he.

[ cut to Meth Smoker #2 ]

Meth Smoker #2: Thanks to e-Meth, I can now even smoke inside my favorite restaurant!

Homeowner: Excuse me, Sir? You can’t smoke meth in here.

Meth Smoker #2: [ laughing ] It’s okay — It’s electronic!

Homeowner: I don’t care! You in my LIVING ROOM… and you NEKKID!!

[ the Homeowner chases the half-naked man around his living room ]

Announcer: e-Meth is not for everyone. Talk to your doctor if you experience body rash, face swell, painful death, or fatigue.

[ cut to Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” ]

Jesse Pinkman: e-Meth. You know it’s good, ’cause it’s blue, BITCH!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Used Cars

Rick…..Mike O’Brien
Daisy…..Tina Fey

[ open on black-and-white stock footage of Model T’s, with SUPER: “Cars For Sale” ]

[ dissolve to Rick standing in front of a Model T ]

Rick: Hi there, folks! I’m Rick, from Rick’s Model T’s! Now, a couple of year ago I had a craaaaaaaazy idea to sell cars that are NOT brand new! I’m calling them “Used Cars”, and I decided to tell YOU guys about it using this promotional film. Something I’m going to call… a “Used Car Commercial.” Lots of firsts here today, folks! And I’m charging SO little for these cars, that people think I’m a little LOONY! This here’s my wife Daisy, and she’s almost as BONKERS as I am! [ Daisy slowly steps forward ] Take it from a couple of KOOKS like us — You’re not gonna find a better deal on a used model T! Right, Daisy?

Daisy: We’re so crazy… Not only did we slash prices, but I gave all my babies to the well!

Rick: Whooooooaaaa! Uh… no! Watch, Daisy. The man’s filming us, see? Keep it fun! Listen, folks — You come down and sign the papers, you’ll walk out with a crank in your pocket. That’s right — No cash in signing! We’ve got every brand there is: Model T… So come on down, because these are some FINE automobiles! Tell them, Daisy!

[ Daisy slowly steps forward ]

Daisy: That’s right… One of them took me to the hospital, where they used electricity to fix my thoughts.

Rick: Uhhh…! Okay, Daisy, they’re not good for that! They could take you ANYWHERE!! Hey, folks! You’re not gonna find a better deal on these tin Lizzies! And these suckers are FULLY LOADED! They’ve got EVERYTHING: Seats… Daisy, tell them again about how CRAZY these prices are!

Daisy: I smashed a mirror, ’cause I saw a woman in there that’s CRAZY!!

Rick: Alright… Don’t make me put you back up in the attic, please.

Daisy: Don’t put me up there!!

Rick: Dammit, Daisy! I wish I had a more legitimate treatment option than the attic, but that’s… just where medicine is at.

Daisy: [ whispering ] I think I KILLED that Navejo girl…

Rick: What?! Why is this the first I’m hearing about this?

Daisy: No one will know she’s in our root cellar…

Rick: Uhhhh… uhhh… Yeah! Meanwhile, all of this, on film! Holllllly doodle! So, come on down to Crazy Rick’s Model T’s, and take advantage of these craaaaaaaaazy deals! Alright, Daisy — Give ’em the sign-off!

Daisy: [ waving her arms ] I dug up Daddy, he’s still mad at me!

Rick: Whoooooaaaaa!! Nooooo!! No! It’s… [ he waves his arms ] “Come on down!” [ Daisy waves her arm wide ] Yeah, there you go, Daisy! There!

[ SUPER: “Rick’s Model T’s” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Airport

Dave…..Taran Killam
Carol…..Tina Fey
Wife…..Kate McKinnon
Husband…..Beck Bennett
Dad…..John Milhiser
Son…..Brooks Wheelan
Foreignor…..Nasim Pedrad
Traveler…..Kenan Thompson
Man…..Bobby Moynihan
Clapper…..Aidy Bryant

[ open on exterior, airport ]

[ dissolve to interior, flight counter for Express Air ]

Dave: And good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Flight Number 3-1-4, with service from Chicago to Dallas. We are now ready to begin boarding.

Carol: Please take a look at your boarding passes, and listen for your group to be called before approaching the gate.

[ cut to married couple ]

Wife: What group are we, Honey?

Husband: We’re Group Two. We should be on soon.

[ return to counter ]

Carol: We first want to invite any elderly passengers, or those needing special assistance.

[ a couple of elder people approach the counter and pass through the gate ]

Dave: Alright, we’ll now begin boarding all parents with small children…

[ a family of three passes through ]

Carol: And all children traveling with small parents.

[ a short man and tall boy approach ]

Son: Look, Dad — Plane!

Dad: I’m sorry, he… He loves planes.

[ they pass through the gate ]

Dave: We now invite our One World Alliance members, Diamnd Advantage partners.

[ people pass through the gate ]

Carol: All frequent Flygirls, Air Bud.

[ people pass through the gate ]

Dave: First Class… X-Men: First Class… and X-Men: Business Class.

[ people pass through the gate, as the married couple wait ]

Husband: This is taking a long time.

Wife: Honey, they’re a commercial airline. I think they know what they’re doing.

[ return to the counter ]

Carol: We’d now like to invite all foreign passengers who have ,i>not yet been called… to ignore us any try to board anyway.

Dave: Once again, we’re asking all Brazilian and Italian passengers to begin pushing and shouting and selectively understanding me.

[ a group of foreignors push and shove their way through the gate ]

Dave: We’d now like to welcome travelers who have carry-ons that have NO chance of fitting into the overhead compartment.

[ a traveler saunters forward with a large, oversized piece of luggage ]

Traveler: It’ll fit. Oh, it’ll fit! [ he struggles to squeeze it through the gate door, having to turn it on its side ] Yeah! [ he laughs maniacally at his accomplishment ]

Carol: And, all business travelers — Please board, so you can begin working on graphs.

[ businessmen pass through the gate ]

Dave: Once again: All laptop users, please board now and begin working on those urgently-needed GRAPHS!

Carol: Before we continue, we would like to announce that this is an overbooked flight. If anyone is willing to give up their seat in exchange for the first available flight tomorrow, please approach the desk and explain why your lifestyle permits this.

Dave: And, at this time, we’d like to welcome aboard all farters. Beginning, of course, with our least —

[ a man saunters forward slowly with a huge shit-eating grin on his face and hands over his ticket ]

Dave: Thank you, Sir.

Carol: People who clap when the plane has landed…

[ a clapping woman steps forward with a big smile on her face ]

Carol: We will NOT board you, because what you do is STUPID!

[ the woman continues clapping, nods and walks away ]

Dave: And it looks like we’re just about done with the boarding process.

Husband: Excuse me, you haven’t boarded us yet!

Carol: Oh, my goodness. It looks like you two are absolutely right. It looks like there are two seats left.

Dave: You know what? I’ve actually never been on a plane before.

Carol: Me, either!

Dave: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Carol: Dave, are you inviting me to go to Dallas with you?

Dave: I think I am, Carol. What do you say? [ he holds out his hand ]

Carol: [ she grabs his hand ] Now boarding: All lovers with stars in their eyes.

[ they rush aboard the plane, as the music swells and the clapper and the married couple clap for their love ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 28th, 2013

Tina Fey

Arcade Fire

None

Aaron Paul

Lorne Michaels

None
Obama Press ConferenceSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) desperately tries to sell Americans on his Affordable Health Care Act, but most of them seem to love it for all the wrong reasons.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama

Transcript

Montage

Tina Fey’s MonologueSummary: Tina Fey introduces the six new Featured Players, then makes them pay their dues by having them dance behind her while she sings.

Transcript

GirlsSummary:

AirportSummary: Married couple (Beck Bennett, Kate McKimmon) wait patiently for airline clerks (Taran Killam, Tina Fey) to board more unusual passengers before them.

Transcript

New Cast Member or Arcade FireSummary: On in-house game show, Tina Fey must tell the difference between “SNL”‘s new cast members and their look-alike counterparts from the indie band Arcade Fire.

Transcript

E-Meth CigarettesSummary: Meth smokers can smoke anywhere at any time, thanks to their new electronic vapor alternative.

Transcript

Arcade Fire performs “Reflektor”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Veteran anchorwoman Tina Fey offers advice to new co-anchor Cecily Strong. Stand-up comic Bruce Chandling (Kyle Mooney) free-associates while giving his take on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s UN speech. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) comments on the new school year with help from Meth Nephew (Aaron Paul).

Recurring Characters: Bruce Chandling, Drunk Uncle.

Transcript

PBS Cinema ClassicsSummary: Scenes from 1949’s “Unwanted Woman” feature lots of unnecessary focus on stuffed animals.

Used CarsSummary: Rick (Mike O’Brien) of Rick’s Model T’s broadcasts the world’s first used car commercial with a little help from his crazy wife Daisy (Tina Fey).

Transcript

Arcade Fire performs “Afterlife”

Manolo BlahniksSummary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her frind (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Manolo Blahniks shoes, with the help of former lesbian porn actress (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts