Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Andrew Card…..Chris Parnell John Kerry…..Seth Meyers Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to Hardball, Im Chris Matthews. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and General Richard Meyers made a surprise visit to Abu Gharib prison in Iraq on Thursday with a message for US troops. That message: Get me all your digital cameras now, you idiots! The Iraqi prison abuse scandal continues to grow and President Bush seems content to maintain the status quo, recently telling the embattled Rumsfeld that he was, doing a superb job. Keep in mind; he also thought Cuba Gooding Jr. did a superb job in that movie where he played the retarded football player. It begs the question: Does the Bush administration have a bucket big enough to bail the water out of this sinking ship, or what? With us today is White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.
Andrew Card: Great to be here, Chris.
Chris Matthews: I didnt ask. Mr. Card, how is Bush going to get himself out of this mess?
Andrew Card: Well first of all, I wouldnt exactly call it a “mess”.
Chris Matthews: You got to be kidding me, those photos make the prison from Oz look like Hogans Heroes.
Andrew Card: Chris, we like to think of this prison abuse scandal as a temporary and almost invisible blemish on what is otherwise, the most flawless presidency in American history.
Chris Matthews: Wow, people have said a lot of wrong things on this show but that might be the wrongest.
Andrew Card: Look Chris, here are the facts: George Bush has never made an incorrect decision. Not one. He is adorable, and charming, and he has a beautiful alto singing voice. The man can tear a phone book in half. And Ive seen him pull a locomotive with his teeth. These are facts, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Man, oh man. You didnt just drink the Kool-Aid, you went back for seconds. Joining us now to talk about how all this affects his campaign: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry.
John Kerry: Thanks for having me, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Nice work Kerry, zero to boring in 1.8 seconds. Senator, the Bush administration is clearly suffering from the scandal, how do you plan to address this?
John Kerry: Actually Chris, Im not going to say anything.
Chris Matthews: Taking the high road, huh, not gonna talk about the scandal?
John Kerry: No, Im not going to say anything; at all; about anything. See Chris, whenever I talk, my approval rating plummets. When I shut my mouth, and just let Bush screw up, people love me. Ive realized something very important, Chris: I am incredibly looong-winded.
Chris Matthews: Youre kiddin.
John Kerry: No, no Im not. Im serious. My advisor alerted me to this problem, I spent the next several hours explaining how they were mistaken. Then they said see, thats exactly what we were talking about. Well, four hours and forty-five minutes later, I think they saw my side of things.
[Matthews is caught tying a noose around his neck, he takes it off when John Kerry stops talking]
Chris Matthews: Oh, thank God youre done. And not a minute too soon.
John Kerry: Dont worry about it. Happens to me all the time. The point is, I believe I am the medicine this country needs. Unfortunately, that medicine is NyQuill. But think of it this way, Im the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest candidate.
Chris Matthews: Good gravy, Ive seen more natural looking smiles on pumpkins.
Andrew Card: Can I say something, Chris. If you want to see a beautiful smile, look no further than George W. Bush. Hes never had a cavity, and his breath always smells like a sweet breeze blowing through an orchard of gumdrop trees on the banks of a lemonade stream.
Chris Matthews: Hey Card, when you had your brain washed did you have it waxed too?
[Card nods, laughing]
Chris Matthews: Senator Kerry, if youre not gonna talk at all then how are you gonna get your message across?
John Kerry: Its a good question, Chris. Ill do it through my vice president.
Chris Matthews: So youve finally chosen?
John Kerry: Nope, but I think Ive found my man, you see, people want to vote for me, but they dont like me. So I went out and got the guy that people like, but dont want to vote for. Its my pleasure to introduce, the Reverend Al Sharpton.
[Sharpton makes gestures with his hand as he talks]
Al Sharpton: Chris, Im outraged.
[Matthews shakes his head back and forth and sighs]
Chris Matthews: Why are you outraged, John Kerry is considering you as his potential running mate?
Al Sharpton: I know, thats just how I say hello these days. Im outraged, John, nice weather, what have you.
John Kerry: Huh, huh, hello Al.
Chris Matthews: Reverend Sharpton, you had a little trouble with the Federal Election Commission yesterday. They claimed you overspent $100,000 on your campaign. How do you respond?
Al Sharpton: Chris, Ill say what I always say in situations like this. I am good for the money. I have a big eBay auction coming up for my old medallion collection.
[Holds up assorted medallions]
Al Sharpton: Thats right. No reserves, just serious bidders only. Hell, if these elections dudes want to come and take these medallions straight up, Ill do that, and call it a day.
John Kerry: Al, we should talk about this. Dont throw away your medals. Coming from a guy who knows.
Chris Matthews: Good Lord, when we come back Al Sharptons gonna outline his plan to raise cab fare back to his apartment, and Live from New York, Its Saturday Night!
Mary-Kate: We are so happy to be here hosting Saturday Night Live!
Ashley: Im not.
Mary-Kate: Ashley!
Ashley: Well, Im not! The thing is, tonight is our senior prom and were missing it to host this show.
(audience goes awwwwww)
Mary-Kate: Thats true.
Ashley: See, well never know what its like to ride in a limo, and wear fancy dresses, and have someone do our hair.
Mary-Kate: Okay, we get to do that, like, every day.
Ashley: Yeah, but not at a Marriot.
Mary-Kate: Okay, you know, I could tell you were really bummed out about this so I have a little surprise for you. Jimmy ..
(Jimmy Fallon comes out, wearing a powder blue tux carrying a corsage)
Jimmy: Ashley Olsen, will you go to the prom with me?
Ashley: Ohmigosh Id love to!
Jimmy: Thanks!
Ashley: But I dont have a dress.
Jimmy: I took care of that! Come on guys!
(stage managers come out holding two dresses. Ashleys is ugly and looks vinyl, while Mary-Kates is fairly decent. They dress both girls)
Mary-Kate: Thanks!
Jimmy: What do you think?
Ashley: Uh this is what people wear?
Jimmy: Yeah, well, most people arent teenage billionaires, so
(Will comes on with a corsage for Mary-Kate, in a grey coat)
Will: Wow you look wonderful, Mary-Kate! (he pins the corsage onto her and pokes her with the pin)
Mary-Kate: Oww! Thank you, Will!
(twins parents come on)
Mrs. Olsen: Ohhh! Get together! Get together! Smile! Oh my baby girls are growing up! Oh my little girls are growing up!
(Mr. Olsen takes pictures of the girls and their dates in front of a fireplace)
Mr. Olsen: Haha you touch my daughter, Ill kill you!
Ashley: Dad!
Jimmy: Lets go! Lets go you guys! Lets go!
(American Pie by Madonna comes on as they get in a cardboard limo. Will and Jimmy are out the roof, while Mary-Kate and Ashley are out a window)
Jimmy and Will: Woo!
Mary-Kate and Ashley: Woo!!!
Jimmy and Will: Woo!
Mary-Kate and Ashley: Woo!!!
Jimmy and Will: Woo!
Ashley: Okay, we get it!
(the limo disappears and streamers come down from the ceiling with a sign, which falls down. A disco ball drops as Im not a girl, not yet a woman comes on by Britney Spears)
Will: Mary-Kate, may I have this dance?
Mary-Kate: Okay!
(Will grabs her and starts dirty dancing with her, and tries to kiss her as they dance)
Mary-Kate: Okay, oh! Cool it! Cool it!
Jimmy: I really like you, Ashley.
Ashley: Thanks!
Jimmy: No, I mean I really really like you!
Ashley: Thanks!
Jimmy: So can you chip in $80 for the limo? I mean
Ashley: What?!
Jimmy: Youre riding in it as well, I mean, its just that—
(Maya comes in, holding a cup and is drunk and her speech is slurred. She has the same dress on as Ashley)
Maya: Oh. My. God. Were wearing the same Sparkle Pink Barbie Dress! How could you do this to me, Ashley? I hate you!
Ashley: I didnt know, sorry, I didnt know!
(Who Let the Dogs Out by the Baha Men comes on)
Maya: Ohmigod I love this song!
(starts rocking out to the music)
Maya: Woo!!! Ohmigod, this is so much fun! Im so sorry that we fought. Were still friends right?
Ashley: Yeah.
Maya: Best friends?
Ashley: Yeah.
Maya: Okay! (she stumbles off)
Will: Hey, uh MK, you wanna get out of here? I got my dads Chrysler C-Bring Convertible! A bunch of us are going to go to a black neighborhood and try to buy wine.
Mary-Kate: No thanks.
Will: God, youre stuck up!
Mary-Kate: Youre 35.
Maya: You guys you guys, I dont feel so good.
Ashley: Maya, whats the matter, you okay?
Jimmy: Maya?
(Maya shakes her head)
Ashley: You okay?
(Maya throws up all over Ashley)
Maya: Ohmigod, I feel so much better. (laughs)
Ashley: Ohmigod, my ugly dress is ruined.
Announcer: And the 2004 Prom Queen is Ashley! Olsen!
(Group cheers)
Announcer: Berger!
Ashley Olsen-Berger: Yay! Im Ashley Olsen-Berger! I knew I was going to win! Woo!
(Time of Your Life comes on)
Ashley Olsen-Berger: Hey, Jimmy, heard you had a limo! What are you looking at, Full House?
(Jimmy and Ashley Olsen-Berger start making out)
Will: Hey, watch it fella! Thats my sister!
Jimmy: Yeah, shes a better kisser than your mom!
(Will and Jimmy start punching each other, as do Maya and Ashley Olsen-Berger)
Mary-Kate: Well, thats what were missing! What do you think?
Ashley: I think we have a great show tonight! J-Kwon is here!
Mary-Kate: So stick around, and well be right back!
Photographer #1…..Amy Poehler Photographer #2…..Ashley Olsen Photographer #3…..Mary Kate Olsen
[open on HOLLYWOOD sign, dissolve to stock footage of photographers at a red carpet event, dissolve to three photographers at the front of a large crowd of papparazzi]
Photographer #1: Oh, she’s great. We hang out a lot.
Photographer #2: Really?
Photographer #1: Yeah, I hide behind a Pepsi machine across the street from her dematoogist’s office, and she always waves at me when I take her picture.
All: J. Lo! J. Lo! J. Lo!
[Jennifer Lopez walks by, seen only from the back]
Photographer #3: Are you engaged?
Photographer #1: Beautiful, J. Lo, show us your ring!
Photographer #2: Put the ring near your butt!
Photographer #3: Let’s get the ring and the butt close together!
Photographer #1: Beautiful, beautiful. Rub your butt like a genie! [rubs her butt] Marc Anthony, pretend you’re a genie coming out of J. Lo’s butt.
All: Oh, boo!
Photographer #2: Come out of J. Lo’s butt like a genie!
Photographer #3: Come on, Marc Anthony.
Photographer #1: Man, I’ll tell you. Her and Affleck, those were good old days.
Photographer #3: Oh, tell me about it. I took a shot of them on Cape Cod, and he’s handing her some flowers, but it looks like he’s punching her. That picture paid for my lasix.
Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina!
[Angelina Jolie walks by, seen only from the back, and holding a small child]
Photographer #2: Angelina, stick out your lips! There you go, lick your lips!
Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina, show us your tattoos. Angelina, who are you having sex with tonight?!
Photographer #3: Angelina, hold up your kid!
Photographer #1: Yeah, hold up your kid like a purse! Now put him in the front of your pants, like you’re a kangaroo!
Photographer #2: And one of you alone, please, without the baby!
Photographer #3: Yeah, we want one without the kid!
Photographer #1: Without the kid, please!
[the child is thrown to Photographer #3, who catches it]
All: Thank you, Angelina!
[Photographer #3 throws the baby back]
Photographer #1: Beatiful, Olsen twins!
[the Olsen twins walk by, seen only from the back]
Photographer #3: Olsen twins, which one of you is which?!
Photographer #2: Which one of you is which?! [to 1] Which one’s which?
Photographer #1: Ashley’s the one giving you the finger.
Photographer #2: Right. Are you hungy?!
Photographer #3: Mary Kate, you’re too skinny! Eat a sandwich!
Photographer #2: Yeah, eat a sandwich!
Photographer #1: Eat a sandwich! Put your arms around each other! Stand back to back! Pretend you’re Siamese!
Photographer #2: Cute one smile! Cute one smile!
Photographer #3: Ugly one, give a thumbs up!
All: Oh, boo!
Photographer #3: Eat a sandwich!
Photographer #1: Come on, give a thumbs up! Give a thumbs up!
Photographer #2: I hear they never learned to read.
Photographer #3: Oh, I heard they get paid in cocaine.
Photographer #1: That’s what I heard, too. Courtney!
[Courntey Love staggers wildly by, seen only from the back]
All: Courtney! Courtney!
Photographer #1: Courtney, let me see that bruise, Courtney!
Photographer #3: Make a devil face!
Photographer #2: Let that homeless guy touch your boobs!
Photographer #1: Excellent, Courtney! Do something crazy, Courtney!
Photographer #3: Crazy!
Photographer #1: Oh, God!
[disgusted gasps from the entire crowd]
Photographer #1: Come on, Courtney, close that up!
Photographer #2: Put that away! Nobody wants to see that!
Photographer #3: That girl needs to get some boundaries.
Photographer #1: Dakota!
[a pixie-ish blond walks by, seen only from the back]
All: Dakota! Dakota!
Photographer #1: Oh, that’s not Dakota Fanning. That’s David Spade.
All: David, we love you!
Photographer #1: Bachelor guy!
Photographer #2: Get over there with that Apprentice guy!
Photographer #1: Beautiful! American Idol girl, put your fingers in the Apprentice guy’s mouth!
Photographer #3: Now, Bachelor dude, stand on your head!
Photographer #1: Beautiful! Bachelorette lady, squat down and let the Survivor guy get on your shoulders! Excellent! Now, everybody wrestle! [Courtney Love runs past in the opposite direction] Oh, Courtney, get out of there!
Photographer #3: Hey, I just got a picture of Omarosa’s nipple popping out!
[ open on studio backstage area, a line of lockers belonging to cast members ]
[ Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch sit on a bench, as Seth Meyers and Chris Parnell close their lockers; Darrell Hammond leans placidly against a locker, smoking a cigarette ]
Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s the last sketch of the show.
Darrell Hammond: And the last show of the season.
Amy Poehler: [ enters ] I’m sad, you guys. I don’t want the season to be over. I hope we keep in touch.
Fred Armisen: [ enters ] Hey, you guys – there’s a huge party at Rachel’s house!
Rachel Dratch: [ hearing this for the first time ] There is?
Maya Rudolph: Everybody’s gonna be there!
Rachel Dratch: They are?
[school bell rings ]
Fred Armisen: That’s it! Summer’s here! It’s summertime!
[ Chris Parnell, Seth Meyers, Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell snap their fingers and break into the harmony from “Summertime” by The Jamies ]
Rachel Dratch: Well, where are you going, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]
Horatio Sanz: To the greatest city on Earth!
Maya Rudolph: Where’s that, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]
Horatio Sanz: Right here! In New York City!
[ everyone – except Darrell, who leans against the lockers in the background, smoking a cigarette and tapping it against a coffee cap as he stares blankly – ducks offscreen ]
Horatio Sanz: [ singing “Summer In The City” by The Lovin’ Spoonful ] “Hot town, summer in the city! Back of my neck gettin’ dirt and gritty!”
Fred Armmisen: [ singing ] “Cool cat, lookin’ for a kitty! Gonna look in every corner of the city!”
Together: [ singing ] “All around, people lookin’ half-dead Walkin’ on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head!”
[ they stop singing, as horatio bends over hacking, coughing and wheezing from overexertion ]
Fred ArmisenYou alright, Horatio?
Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m cool. [ places inhaler in his mouth ]
Will Forte: [ enters ] You sure you okay, buddy?
Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m just —
Will Forte: You alright?
Horatio Sanz: Yeah..
Amy Poehler: Wow.. you alright, Horatio? [ to Will ] It looks like he’s out of breath.
Will Forte: Yeah. Well, what he needs is a nice summer breeze.
[ Horatio and Fred step offscreen, as Will and Amy look into one another’s eyes and break into “Summer Breeze” by Seals & Croft ]
Will & Amy: [ singing ] “Summer Breeze! Makes me feel fine! Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mi-ind!”
[ Maya re-enters, making the song’s electric guitar sound effects with her mouth ]
Fred Armisen: [ rushes back in, holding a strip of paper triumphantly ] Hey, guys! I just got Jimmy’s phone number!
[ everyone crowds around Fred to see; even Darrell Hammond suddenly changes position to remain in background of the camera angle ]
Finesse Mitchell: Let me see that.
Fred Armisen: It’s 5-5, 5-5-5!
Chris Parnell: Whoa!
Fred Armisen: We’re totally gonna hang out!
[ Tina Fey, dressed much like Sandy in “Grease”, enters scene clutching her Weekend Update notes, and sits on the bench. The girls excitedly crowd around her, leaving the boys alone off to the side ]
Girls: Hey! Hi, Tina! Hi!
Amy Poehler: So.. have you talked to Jimmy?
Tina Fey: [ glumly ] No. I haven’t seen him since Update.
Amy Poehler: Ohhh. Well, where have you been?
Tina Fey: In the cafeteria, eating my feelings.
[ cut to the guys, as Jimmy Fallon, clad in a leather jacket much like Danny Zuckow, enters acting all cool and makes his presence known ]
Jimmy Fallon: Heyyyy, guys!
[ the guys are as excited as a flock of teenage girls to see Jimmy ]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey, what am I, like, at a dog convention?
[ the familiar chords of “Summer Lovin'” pot up, as the girls become excitedly to see Jimmy nearby, and the guys goad Jimmy into making his way toward Tina ]
Jimmy Fallon: “Summer lovin’, had me a bla-ast!”
Tina Fey: “Summer lovin’, happened so fa-ast!”
Jimmy Fallon: “I met a girl, crazy for me-ee!”
Tina Fey: “I met a boy, cute as can be-ee!”
[ cut to split-screen of Jimmy and Tina, even though they’re only inches apart ]
Together: “Summer day, driftin’ away To uh oh, those summer nights!”
All: “Well uh, well uh, well uh..”
Girls: “Tell me more, tell me more! Was it love at first sight!”
Guys: “Tell me more, tell me more! Did she put up a fight!“
Jimmy Fallon: “It turned colder, that’s where it ends So I told her, we’d still be friends.”
Tina Fey: “Then we made, our true love vow.”
[ full shot of locker room, as Jimmy walks over to Tina ]
Together: “Wonder what, he/she’s doing now.”
[ Jimmy reaches his hand to Tina’s face, nearly knocking the glasses off her face ]
Together: “Summer dreams, ripped at the seams Bu-ut..”
[ Jimmy moves his hand down Tina’s jacket, grazing her breast to her great surprise ]
Together: “Those Sat-ur-day ni-i-i-ights!”
All: “Tell me more.. Tell me more.. Tell me mo-o-o-ore!”
Voice Over: In the most unique competition ever, two ordinary women compete for the ultimate prize. [dissolve to “before” pictures of Vicki and Amber] Who will go to the pageant? Who will go home? [dissolve to “The Swan” logo] Tonight on The Swan!
[dissolve to mansion with Amanda Byram entering through double doors, opened by men in tuxedos]
Amanda: Good evening. I’m Amanda Byram. I have an English accent. Tonight, we meet two women who are ready to change their lives. They have handed themsevles over to a team of plastic surgeons and gone through a brutal three month makeover, all for the chance to become beauty queens. Let’s see their before videos.
[dissolve to Vicki, who has very heavy eyebrows, a large nose, and other notably unattractive features, in a nondescript domestic setting]
[title: “Vicki, 29 years old”]
Vicki: I was never a classic beauty. People always told me I was beautiful on the inside. But then I had some X-rays done, and my insides are butt ugly, too.
[dissolve to Dr. Lance Haggart in an office setting]
[title: “Dr. Lance Haggart, Plastic Surgeon”]
Dr. Haggart: Vicki is what we doctors call, “fugly.” But I’m optimistic, and I have a plan. Basically, we’re gonna take some skin from her butt, and do some stuff.
[dissolve to blue screen where images of Vicki and schematics of procedures are displayed]
Amanda: Vicki’s Swan plan included an eyebrow shift, cheek flush, lip segmentation, tongue shave, finger wax, ear tuck, bobby pin removal, and seven inch femur implants. She was put on a diet of broth and diet coke, and underwent weekly training sessions where she was chased by a pack of dogs. Good luck, Vicki. Now, on to our next competitor.
[dissolve to Amber, who has one leg, standing in front of a wall]
[title: “Amber, 29 years old”]
Amber: Yo, check me out. My name is Amber, and here’s how I do. I got nonstop hotness, hardcore learning disabilities, constant horniness, and I’m rockin’ one leg. Whoo! Yeah! I don’t know what they can do to me, ’cause this bird is already Swanned out! All I want is some medicine for my ringworm, and a cool-ass face tattoo. What-what?! [raises the roof]
[dissolve to blue screen where images of Amber and schematics of procedures are displayed]
Amanda: Amber’s recommended Swan plan was leg augmentation, complete nasal rejuvenation, neck fat displacement, gum dying, removal of third nipple, nail fungus treatment, attitude adjustment, general cleaning, and a full head transplant.
[dissolve to Dr. Haggart]
Dr. Haggart: Amber was a very difficult patient to treat. She refused to do any cosmetic or dental surgery. Attempts were made to put her on a stricter diet, but we were limited because she suffers from Lyme Disease, hypoglycemia, and a flatulence problem that I suspect she can control.
[dissolve to mansion]
Amanda: Will Vicki and Amber be pleased with their new selves? Which one will continue on to the pageant? Am I made of wax? We’ll find out, right after this.
[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]
[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]
[dissolve to reporter in news room]
Reporter: Nine area schoolchildren are molested to death while their teachers buy drugs from your dentist! HAAAAARGH! Toxic mold!
[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”]
[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]
[dissolve to mansion]
Amanda: Before we let Amber and Vicki see themselves for the first time in three months, Dr. Haggart, any final thoughts?
Dr. Haggart: I think you’ll find Vicki and Amber are more confident now. They’re independent women, standing on their own two feet, except for Amber, who refused any kind of prosthetic because she didn’t want to, quote, “slow down access to her lady parts.”
Amanda: Our fashion stylist, Jasmine Ranseed.
Jasmine Ranseed: I think they look beautiful.
Amanda: And our resident therapist, Dr. Simone. Any thoughts?
Dr. Simone: This is a…t-t-terrible, why am I here? This is a terrible, reprehensible show!
Amanda: Indeed. It has been three long months since these women have seen themselves in a mir-ror. Now it is the moment of truth. Please welcome the new Vicki.
[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Vicki, who is now beautiful and is wearing a glamorous red dress with evening gloves]
[Vicki walks to the full-length mirror
Vicki: [gasps] Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! [touches her nose] Look at my nose! [grasps her breasts, turns to the side, lunges to the side, jumps up and down, falls forward sobbing, raises up and falls forward sobbing again, while all of this is mimicked by her reflection]
[Vicki’s reflection produces a tissue from the bosom of her dress and gives it to Vicki]
Vicki: Thank you. [returns the tissue to her reflection, who tucks it away]
Amanda: And now, Amber. Amber, come on out.
[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Amber, who looks exactly like she did before except that she has a black spiderweb tattoo on her face]
Amber: Damn, I’m looking good. Who needs a swan? I’m a flamingo! [hops over to the mirror] Oooooh! This tattoo makes me horny! [she tongues the corner of her mouth]
Amanda: Amber, Vicki, you know only one of you can go on to the final Swan pageant.
Amber: You goin’ down, mon chi chi!
Amanda: Here, give me a hug. [she woodenly places her arms over Amber’s chest and Vicki’s face] Are you nervous?
Vicki: No, I know that whatever happens, I still get to keep these boobs.
Amanda: The judges have voted.
Amber: Good. I hope they did vote!
Amanda: And the winner is.
Amber: Good. I hope there is a winner!
Amanda: Please shut up.
Amber: Yeah, I will shut up.
Amanda: The winner is…Vicki.
Vicki: Oh, my God! I’m still so unhappy inside.
Amber: Who cares? I didn’t want to win, anyway. [hops and farts] Yeah, I farted. Jealous? [hops and farts]
Dr. Haggart: [to other specialists] I told you she could control it.
[Amanda and Vicki wave air away from their noses]
Amber: I’m audi, nerds! I’m going to go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw balogna at my ass! Suck it! [hops away, farting]
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.
In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.
Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.
Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”
Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”
Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.
Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??
Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.
Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “oh..my..god.” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”
Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.
Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —
Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?
Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –
[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]
Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!
Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.
Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –
Tina Fey: Jimmy!
Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.
Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.
After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”
The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.
Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.
Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —
Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.
[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]
Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.
Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.
Tina Fey: I’d like that.
[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]
Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!
Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.
Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.
Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.
Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.
Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.
Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.
Jimmy Fallon: What is this?
[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]
Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.
Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?
Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …
Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?
Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.
Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.
Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.
Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?
Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.
Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?
Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.
Jimmy Fallon: Wow.
Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!
Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?
Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!
[both laughing hysterically]
Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?
Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!
Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!
Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…
Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.
Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!
Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.
Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?
Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.
Jimmy Fallon: Like what?
Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.
Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.
Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?
Jimmy Fallon: Where?
Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.
Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.
Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0
Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.
Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?
Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.
Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket]
Summary “Saturday Night Live” began its 29th season on October 4th, 2003. Cast members Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan left the long-running series and their long-running tenures, leaving long-running performer Darrell Hammond to begin his 9th season with “Saturday Night Live”. Though both Kattan and Morgan left the show, they would make enough cameo appearances thoughout the season to qualify as honorary featured performers. Other changes include a new opening sequence, a brand new host and musical guest stages modeled after Grand Central Station, and an impression of President George W. Bush that changes hands twice during the season. The season tailored itself for the M-TV crowd, infiltrating a host line-up that included stars of the day like Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and Christina Aguilera. The season was also marred by continued (and one might wonder forced) on-air crack-ups between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz, Weekend Update’s focus on entertainment news and personal opinion taking preference over current events humor, and the mysterious disappearance of Jeff Richards mid-season. The best sketches of the season belonged to Will Forte, though they sometimes had a tendancy to become buried in mediocre episodes (Halle Berry, anyone?). Elsewhere, Jimmy Fallon’s decision to leave SNL hit some fans harder than the news of Will Ferrell’s departure, while leaving other fans wondering if Tina Fey would seek a replacement for Fallon on Weekend Update, anchor the segment alone, or resign the desk to new talent altogether. All in all, SNL was again falling on weak knees by the time it reached the end of the season prepared for its upcoming 30th anniversary.
[Opens with some computer bleeps on a computer screen. Jarret’s Room show is being set up. Dreadlocked, hippie college student, Jarret, is fixing a camera on himself. He sits at the edge of his bed in his dorm room.]
Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. Young lovers thoughts turn to romance and tomorrow morning thousands of college students everywhere will wake up next to a person who’s name they can’t remember, covered in their own puke. Its beautiful. Anyway, we have an awesome show for you tonight. So give it up for my house band Deejay Johnathan Feinstein!
[Camera turns to Deejay Johnathan Feinstein. He’s in a green suit, dark sunglasses and with two black chicks in green shaking it up singing Outkast’s hit “Hey, Ya'”]
Deejay Jonathan Feinstein: 1! 2! 3! 4! My baby don’t ask around because I love her so….and then I’ll know for sure….
[Jarret turns his music off]
Jarret: You’re an idiot.
: Schtanke you. Schtanke you very much.
Jarret: Please, stop it.
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein: All right.[trying to pick up the song’s tempo]All right, all right, all right, all right….
Jarret: Stop, stop, stop![Deejay stops]
[Jarret fixes the camera on himself again]
Jarret: Anyway, give it up for my best friend and roommate, Gobi!
[We hear Gobi off camera singing Cheech’s theme song from the movie “Born in East L.A.”.]
Gobi:[sing]Born in the East L.A., I was Born in East L.A.![puts his “Free Chong” t-shirt right into the camera] Free Chong![laughs and sits next to Jarret]
Jarret: Free Chong!
Gobi: It isn’t cool what they’re doing to Chong.
Jarret: Yeah!
Gobi: She didn’t do nothing!
Jarret: Wait, she?
Gobi: Yeah, so what that she married Maury Povich. That’s not a crime. Free Chong!
Jarret: You’re way off.
Gobi: Hey! Happy President’s Day everybody!
Jarret: Nice Abraham Lincoln hat you got there, dude.
Gobi: Thank you. Just a little tribute to our first President.
Jarret: Second actually.
Gobi: “For score seven joints ago. I created Bong Hat” [Gobi takes a puff out of a bong made out of a top hat. Blows smoke and laughs] Bong Hat! Daradada Dadadada! Bong Hat! Daradada, dadadada.
Jarret: Well, you know, I’m a little bummed right now.
Gobi: Oh, no.
Jarret: Yeah, today is Valentine’s day and I don’t have a Valentine.
Gobi: Oh, dude. I almost forgot. I found a chick for you. She’s super hot. She’s easy. She gives it up to anybody.
Jarret: Why don’t you go out with her?
Gobi: That’s gross! That’s my sister!
Jarret: Ok. First of all, its weird that you talk like that about your sister. Second, I can’t go out with her. It would be weird. It would be like making out with you. Check out this picture of Gobi’s sister.
[Clicks computer keys, a picture of a fat, blonde chick appears. Gobi looks at her excited.]
Gobi: That chick’s hot!
Jarret: “A” no she’s not. And dude, that’s your sister, man.
Gobi: Dude. Trust me. You’re gonna like her.
Jarret: No, no, no. I will not like her. No way.
Gobi: Yeah, you will.
Jarret: No, I will not.
[A cute blonde enters the room behind Gobi and Jarret. She has a cane and big dark sunglasses]
Gobi’s Sister: Gobi? Jarret? Are you in here? Hello?
Gobi: That’s her.
Jarret: Dude, Gobi, you never told me your sister was blind.
Gobi’s Sister:[takes off glasses] I’m not actually. I just told the government that I was blind so that I could get medicinal marijuana for my glaucoma! Yeah! Awesome!
Jarret: Awesome, wow. You look so different.
Gobi’s Sister: Oh, yeah. Well, I just got that Chinese bird flu so I lost a whole bunch of weight.
Jarret: That is so hot.
Gobi’s Sister: Yeah, well I’m better now. And that’s why I’m here in New Hampshire ready to support Dean with his New Hampshire primary. Go Dean! Yeah! I’m a Dean-iac!
Gobi: No way. Dean Cain is running for President?
Jarret: The New Hampshire primary was like 3 weeks ago. You know that? Right?
Gobi’s Sister: Oh, crap. Well, I thought I found my true calling when I saw him on TV he was all like “We’re going to Michigan! Florida! South Carolina! North Carolina! DELAWARE! AAAAHHHH!!!! And it was then that I knew I had to do my patriotic duty and give this guy a joint so he can mellow out!
Gobi: Wow! I can’t believe it! Superman’s gonna be President!
Jarret: You were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate?
[Horatio has a coughing fit]
Jarret:[ad-lib] You ok buddy?
Gobi’s Sister: Are you ok?
Gobi: I’m all right.
Jarret: Man, you were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate. I love you.
[Image blurs into a dream. Gobi’s sister lies in bed]
Gobi’s Sister: Hey, Jarret. You’re looking very sexy tonight.
[Jarret has a robe on, smoking a pipe, gigolo attitude]
Jarret: Thank you. Yeah, you’re looking ravishingly “replent”. And may I say even boner-inducing.[brings up a tray of Cheetos] Could i interest you in some Cheetos? Careful, its not easy, being cheesy.
Gobi’s Sister: Would you care for some smoke? [She expertly rolls a joint in seconds]
Jarret: Nice.
Gobi’s Sister: Got a light?
Jarret: Sure do.[Brings out a big Jerry Garcia head with a lighter on top. Jarret flicks the lighter a couple of times and can’t get it to light itself. Jimmy a little embarrassed ad-libs]You know what? I’m probably gonna have to go out and get another one.
[Drew laughs at this blooper.]
Gobi’s Sister: Great. Why don’t you come here and lie down for a while?
Jarret: Don’t mind if I do. Just let me slip into something more comfortable.[goes out and returns in a second] That’s better.
Gobi’s Sister: Hey, wait. I thought you said you were gonna slip into something more comfortable.
Jarret: I did. I’m not wearing these anymore.[shows his heart filled undies, throws them away]
Gobi’s Sister: Mind if I put on a little mood music?
[She clicks the remote and “Casey Jones” from The Grateful Dead plays]
“Riding that train, high on cocaine….”
[Jarret produces 2 glasses and a Colt .45 bottle of beer. Gets into bed with Gobi’s sister.]
“Watch your speed, trouble ahead, trouble behind and you know that notion just crossed my mind….this old…”
[Close-up on the clock. 10:32, 10:33, 10:34, 10:35]
[Jarret comes up from under the covers exhilarated]
Jarret: That was amazing!
[Gobi comes from under the covers too]
Gobi: Totally!
[They face each other and freak out]
Gobi and Jarret: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
[Back from the dream, back in Jarret’s room]
Gobi’s Sister: Jarret, Jarret! Are you ok?
Jarret: Thank God it was a dream.
Gobi: Or was it?
Gobi: Whoa.
[Gobi brings up a giant, red, clown shoe. Drew absolutely cracks up at the sight of it. Horatio cracks up a bit too.]
Jarret: What is that?
Gobi: Didn’t you had a dream that you were naked and Ronald McDonald was beating the crap out of you with his shoe?
Jarret: No.
Gobi: Oh, I guess it was a dream.
Jarret: Yeah, it was.
Gobi: Or was it?
[Gobi brings up Jarret’s heart filled underwear]
Gobi, Jarret and Gobi’s Sister: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Jarret: That’s all the time we have for today. Deejay Johnathan Feinstein take us out!
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein:[resumes “Hey, Ya'” with the black girls shaking it up]Shake it! Oh, shake it! Shake it!
