SummaryDon’t question Dick Ebersol – not if you want face-time on “Saturday Night Live” these days. He single-handedly restructured the entire show, altering it from an ensemble production to a one-man showcase of Eddie Murphy’s talents – or so it may seem, since the rest of the cast, save for Joe Piscopo, hardly appear on the show. Mary Gross and Tim Kazurinzky manage to star in a few sketches now and then, but most future audiences are surprised to learn that Julia Louis-Dreyfus began performing on “Saturday Night Live” this season. Not so hard to overlook, since much of the focus of the season surrounded the mysterious assassination of Buckwheat, which spawned a Kennenedy-esque reporting style from news sources around the globe.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
September 25nd, 1982 Chevy Chase Queen None John Zacherle Danny DeVito Gene Siskel Roger Ebert Live From BurbankSummary: Chevy Chase appears via live video to explain that, due to a missed flight, he’ll be hosting SNL from Burbank, California, not New York City. A stagehand then accidentally drops the TV set while wheeling Chevy to his first sketch. Transcript
Montage
Chevy Chase’s MonologueSummary: Chevy Chase addresses the audience from a damaged video screen. Transcript
Tyrone GreenSummary: African-American artist Tyrone Green (Eddie Murphy) demonstrates his hatred of white people and the violent nature of his work. Recurring Characters: Tyrone Green. Transcript
Joe Piscopo Loves Rose KennedySummary: Joe Piscopo announces that he and Rose Kennedy are in love, and asks Rose to marry him.
John Hinckley For PresidentSummary: Ronald Reagan’s would-be assassin (Brad Hall) announces his presidential candidacy, and a duel platform of familiarity with the judicial system combined with outright insanity. Transcript
Mystery TheatreSummary: Zacherle presents a brief scene in which the Land Shark (Chevy Chase), via satellite, attempts to gain entry into a woman’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfous) residence. Recurring Characters: Land Shark.
Popiel Galactic ProphylacticSummary: Ron Popeil (Eddie Murphy) touts his amazing steel-reinforced condom and matching diaphragm. Transcript
Late Night with David LettermanSummary: David Letterman (Joe Piscopo) presents a film from the perspective of his dog, Bob, and interviews guest Gumby (Eddie Murphy). Recurring Characters: David Letterman, Gumby.
Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Joe Piscopo reports on sports. Brad Hall delivers an editorial on James Watt, then phones him at home and calls him a slime. Father Andrew B. Titus (Tim Kazurinsky) reviews the Reader’s Digest condensed Bible. Chevy Chase reports from Burbank instead of from Beirut. Transcript
Queen performs “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”
Alan, A Video JunkieSummary: A profile of an adolescent boy who is destructively addicted to video games.
PTC ClubSummary: Preternaturally cheeful “prophet” April May June (Julia Louis Dreyfus) and a televangelist (Brad Hall) advocate the good word of Jesus, and a faith healer (Gary Kroeger) winds his way through the audience. Recurring Characters: April May June.
Siskel & EbertSummary: Film critics Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert give their critique of the episode while it’s still in progress. Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 2 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 2nd, 1982 Louis Gossett, Jr. George Thorogood & The Destroyers None Mr. T Eddie Murphy’s father NBC’s Underwear Is Showing
Montage
Louis Gossett, Jr.’s MonologueSummary: Mimicking his role in “An Officer and a Gentlemen”, drill sergeant Louis Gossett, Jr. puts the cast through the rigors of comedy boot camp.
Don’t Hitch-HikeSummary: A hitchhiker (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks his luck has changed when an attractive scantily-clad woman picks him up off the side of the road, until their sexual explorations cause them to tumble off a cliff. Transcript
Mister Robinson’s NeighborhoodSummary: Mister Robinson’s (Eddie Murphy) word of the day is “Music”, so he plays with a set of drums he ripped off of the Commodores, which angers his neighbor Mr. T. Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson. Transcript
Sex TherapyRecurring Characters: Marvin, Celeste.
Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary MixRecurring Characters: Mrs. T. Transcript
[FADE IN on a man sitting on the shoulder of a narrow, deserted road in mid-afternoon. He is in a white short-sleeved shirt and tan chinos, a blue gym bag at his feet, holding a cardboard sign with “SPRINGFIELD” written on it. Birds are heard chirping in the woods around him. The hitchhiker stares into space, glances down at his watch in dismay, and stands up and begins to walk. A bee is heard buzzing, and he swats it irritably with his sign and tosses it away. He hitches up his belt and takes a few steps down the road, then hears a car engine accelerating behind him.]
[CUT to the other end of the road, where a white car can be seen making its way down a hill. The man turns around and eagerly waits, warms up his thumb, and sticks it out.]
[CUT to a closer shot of the car, a white Rolls Royce with New York plates, as it comes to a stop. CUT to the front windshield and a beautiful blonde woman in her thirties wearing a pearl necklace. She tilts her head to beckon the man inside. The hitchhiker grins and hops into the passenger seat. After closing the door, he turns to her and then looks her up and down in disbelief.]
[CUT to the woman’s bare legs, then PAN up her slender body to reveal her wearing nothing but a white bra and panties. She gives him a smoldering look and takes off down the road. The rider glances helplessly down at her bare legs and laquered fingernails as she moves her hand slowly down her leg to a tape deck. She gently pushes in a cassette which plays soaring, romantic music. The hitchhiker smiles, dazed, and glances again at her breasts inside her cotton bra while she slips him another pert glance and licks her lips.]
[CUT back to his face as she takes his glasses off and puts one tip in her mouth for a moment before tossing them in the back seat. He watches in amazement as she reaches over, rubs his chest, and tears off his shirt in one motion. Frantcially, the man pulls off his shoes and socks and passionately kisses her bare shoulder. She grins in ecstasy and floors the accelerator. The man looks up in horror.]
[CUT to the Rolls barreling down a steep hill and then plummeting off a hundred-foot cliff while the music hits a dramatic note. The car flips once and crashes on its roof before bouncing over a bank and out of sight.]
Announcer: Last year, more than 3000 young people were killed hitch-hiking. Don’t hitch-hike.
[SUPERIMPOSE “DON’T HITCH-HIKE,” and below it a small caption reading, “A Message from the Department of Highway Safety.” FADE to black over applause.]
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “It’s a beautiful day in the neigborhood
A beatuful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
I always wanted to live in a house like yours, my friend
Maybe when there’s nobody at home, I’ll break in!
So, I married a woman who said she was rich,
Spent all of her money, walked out on the bitch!
Won’t you be my..
Won’t you be my..
Won’t you be my neighbor??”
Hello, boys and girls! [ changes his shoes ] You’re probably wondering why Mr. Robinson is putting on his glitter shoes. Now, these are rock and roll shoes, boys and girls. And, do you know why? Let’s look at our word for the day. [ points to board reading “SCUMI” ] You can’t read it, boys and girls, because it’s the Soul Train Scramble Board! [ rearranges the letters to spell “MUSIC” ] There’s our word for the day! [ walks over to a set of drums ] See what these are, boys and girls? They’re drums. That’s a beautiful instrument, you know. You know where drums come from? Africa! You know where these drums come from? Smokey Robinson was at the Apollo Theater, and left his van open in the back of the place. I ripped him off! I wonder how Smokey is gonna sound with no percussion? You know what drums sound like, boys and girls? Listen. [ starts beating the drums, making quite a racket until the phone rings, eliciting a face ]That’s the telephone, boys and girls! Let’s see who it can be. [ answersphone ] WHO IS IT!! What?! Oh, that ain’t loud – this is loud! [ blows his whistle into the phone, then hangs up and smiles ] Now, where were we, boys and girls? [ returns to banging his drums ]
[ a knock is heard at the door ]
Voice at Door: Mr. Robinson! Robinson! I know you’re in there! Stop beating them drums! You hear me?
Mr. Robinson: That’s my new neighbor. But don’t be scared, boysand girls, I just installed a new lock! He’ll never get in here!
[ continues to bang his drums, as the door is busted through, and Mr. T enters, grabbing Robinson by the throat ]
Mr. T: Hello, boys and girls. The new word for today.. is “pain”. [ to Robinson ] Sing the song!
Mr. Robinson: [ singing ] “A very happy.. tomorrow.. to you..”
Mr. T: Goodnight, boys and girls.
[ continues to strangle Mr. Robinson as title fades in ]
[FADE IN on a minibar with Mr. T. standing in front and Robin Duke as Mrs. T standing behind the counter. She is wearing a pink sleeveless vest and a bald wig, plus a light orange Mohawk with feathers attached.)
Mrs. T: [hollering in a hoarse voice] Yous meetin me and my husband Mr. T!! You should be drinkin Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix!! I pity the fool that doesnt drink it!! I pity the fool!! Aint that right, Mr. T?!
Mr. T: [points and snarls at camera] I pity the fool!
Mrs. T: Now if you want the real Bloody Mary, you come to my apartment tonight, I SHOW you a real Bloody Mary!! You hear?!
Mr. T: [points at her] She showed me!
Mrs. T: [yells at him] Shut it off, old man, and lemme finish!! The strategy for a real bloody Mary is three parts Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix, and one part vodka!
[She dumps a bunch of mix into a glass, then dashes in some vodka]
Mrs. T: Then you drink it down!
[She chugs drink and wipes off her mouth]
Mrs. T: Thats MEAN! Now if any man says to me he doesnt want Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix, I say to him, SHUT UP, OLD MAN!! SHUT UP!! Then I kill him to death!! I kill the man!! But I pity him first!!! Its a bloody shame! Its Mr. & Mrs. Ts Bloody Mary Mix!!
Mr. T: [pointing and glowering at camera] Buy it, or Ill kill you!
[Mr. and Mrs. T pick up their drinks and smash them together so hard that the tumblers break. Plastic shards and liquid spill on the bar as Mr. and Mrs. T lick Bloody Mary mix off their hands and glare at each other. Mrs. T holds out her hands as if to say, You want a piece of me? FADE OUT.]
Announcer: It’s a beautiful summer night. A perfect night for aburglery.
[ cut to close-up of a wallet and watch being picked up from a dresser,then burgler leafing through wallet ]
This man is a thief. But now you can stop him before he steals yourvaluables. Before he threatens your family’s security. Now you can stop that burgler – and this is important – before he can get out of his own house!
[ burglar opens front door of his house to prowl into the night, but aseries of alarms suddenly go off, scaring him bback inside ]
Thanks to The Web, by Sentronex. Remember.. he won’t get into your house if he can’t get out of HIS!
[FADE IN on a mens restroom as Joe Piscopo walks in wearing a gray suit and slacks. The first three stalls from the left are all occupied. Joe looks under each door, finally stops at the last stall, steps in, and closes the door. His feet can be seen as he sits on the toilet and pulls down his pants. After a moment, he softly starts humming Under the Boardwalk to himself. He pauses a moment, and starts to sing the next verse softly. Another moment later, ZOOM inon his shoes he starts singing for real.]
Joe: [singing] Under the boardwalk, Down by the sea, yeah, On a blanket with my baby, Thats where Ill be.
[PAN along the stalls and past the other mens feet as they start singing the chorus with Joe. The audience roars with laughter.]
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: Out of the sun,
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: Well be having some fun…
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: People walking above,
Others: Under the boardwalk…
Joe: Well be falling in love,
All: Under the boardwalk… boardwalk.
[At that moment, Tim Kazurinsky walks in and checks all the stalls. He sings off key in a tuneless voice.]
Tim: Dont push me, cause Im over the edge, and Im tryin not to lose my head, ha-ha…
[Tim sees all the stalls are occupied, and he turns to leave.]
Tim: [sort of singing] Its like a jungle sometimes, make me wonder why the people goin under…
[Right when Tim leaves, Joe bursts back into song as the other guys harmonize.]
Joe: [ singing] Under the boardwalk, Down by the sea, yeah, On a blanket with my baby,
All: Thats where Ill beeeee.
[ZOOM back and FADE OUT as everyone stands up and flushes the toilet.]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 8: Episode 3 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 9, 1982 Ron Howard The Clash Harry Anderson Andy Griffith Rex Reed Bureau of Weights & MeasuresSummary: The Bureau of Weights & Measures recommends that viewers watch “Saturday Night Live” while holding their TVs in their laps. Note: This piece did not air in repeats of the episode.
Montage
Ron Howard’s MonologueSummary: Feeling repressed by his prime-time performances in “THe Andy Griffith Show” and “Happy Days”, Ron Howard welcomes his moment on late night television by tossing out taboo words and drinking a Budweiser on the air. Transcript
Opie’s BackSummary: In the years following Sheriff Andy Taylor’s death, the sterile landscape of Mayberry has turned into a seedy town filled with prostitute rings and strip joints. That is, until little Opie Taylor (Ron Howard) returns from the Vietnam War with a vow to clean Mayberry of its filth. Denizens like Aunt Bea (Robin Duke) and a homosexual Goober (Brad Hall) are resistent, but Opie manages to make things right with a little helpful advice summoned up from Pa (Andy Griffith). Gaffe: Eddie Murphy plays Floyd the barber as a black man. When Ron Howard accidentally calls him Otis, he rebounds by stating, “I told you I didn’t recognize you!” Transcript
Velvet JonesSummary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) introduces his series of harlequin romance novels. Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones. Transcript
The WhinersSummary: Doug (Joe Piscopo) and Wendy Whiner (Robin Duke) tell their doctor (Ron Howard) that they want to have a baby. Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner. Transcript
Harry AndersonSummary: Comedy-magician Harry Anderson performs an illusion that makes it appear as though he’s shoved a hat pin through his arm, but even he is surprised by the sight of fake blood gushing from the puncture holes. Transcript
In Search of..Summary: Leonard Nimoy (Joe Piscopo) ponders the appearance of Francis The Talking Mule throughout human history, while overlooking the Vulcan growth of his ears.
Focus on FilmSummary: Ron Howard is anxious to discuss the upcoming film he’s directed, but host Raheem Abdul Mohammed (Eddie Murphy) would rather discuss “Opie Cunningham.” Recurring Characters: Raheem Abdul Muhammed. Transcript
Saturday Night News with Brad HallSummary: Mary Gross lists people she thinks shouldn’t have jobs. Brad Hall covers before-and-after photos of celebrities who have had plastic surgery. Brad Hall apologizes for calling James Watt a “slime” on the season premiere, then punches his photo. Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) puts his perspective on the situation in the Middle East. Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney. Transcript
The Clash perform “Straight To Hell”
Carter’s FlashbackSummary: While discussing his memoirs with a Time Magazine reporter (Gary Kroeger), former presidnt Jimmy Carter (Joe Piscopo) recalls his meeting with a bored, distracted Ronald Reagan (voice of Joe Piscopo) during his final days in the Oval Office. Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter. Transcript
America is Turning GaySummary: Spoofing Dr. Pepper’s “Be A Pepper” and “America’s Turning 7-Up” jingles, Americans dance in the streets to celebrate their sudden openness in being gay. Note: Repeat from: 03/27/82.
Sylvester School of Speech TherapySummary: An IRS agent (Tim Kazurinsky) suspects the speech therapy school for extreme stutterers may be a fraud.
Why A HookerSummary: When a john (Ron Howard) asks a hooker (Robin Duke) why she chose her profession, she and her associates provide a long list of cliched reasons.
The Clash perform “Should I Stay Or Should I Go”
Nukes Are For KooksSummary: Shopkeepers (Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus) carry personal nuclear warheads to deter crime, but it doesn’t stop a thief (Joe Piscopo) from raiding the cash register. Transcript
Reporter…..Gary Kroeger Jimmy Carter…..Joe Piscopo Secretary…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus Voice of Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
[ open on former President Jimmy Carter sitting comfortably next to a reporter from Time Magazine during an interview ]
Reporter: First of all, President Carter, I think I speak for everyone at Time Magazine when I say that we’re proud to be publishing the excerpts of your memoirs.
Jimmy Carter: Well, you’re very kind, Chris, thank you. And thank you for leaving out that picture of me fighting off that crazed rabbit with a boat paddle!
Reporter: [ laughs politely ]
Jimmy Carter: You know, there are a few things I would like to forget, however: the rabbit, Billy, the Ayatollah, my mother.
Reporter: Let’s talk about your dealings with President Reagan.
Jimmy Carter: I’d rather talk about the rabbit. [ smiles ]
Reporter: [ again laughs politely ]
Jimmy Carter: Actually, it was during a period of transition. Just before I left the White House, I invited Mr. Reagan to the Oval Office. Uh, honestly, I was going to brief him on matters of extreme importance. I was very disturbed at his lack of interest —
[ the screen ripples into the past, into a point-of-view shot of Ronald Reagan walking down the hall outside the Oval Office, where he’s greeted by a Secretary as he hums “Hail to the Chief” ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Hi, I’m Ron Reagan! I’m moving in pretty soon. President Carter asked me to drop by.
Secretary: [ happily ] Oh! Yes, of course, Mr. Reagan. Please come with me.
[ she stands and leads the way into the Oval Office ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Ohh, is this where Jimmy works?
Secretary: Oh, yes sir, this is the Oval Office! Please take a seat. [ Reagan sits facing Carter’s desk ] Um, President Carter will be with you in just one moment. Will there be anything else?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes. You’re fired! Ha ha ha! I’m just kidding.
[ the Secretary smiles politely, then exits the Oval Office ]
[ Reagan’s point-of-view shot glances around the room ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Gee.. the Oval Office. I wonder why they call it that? [ continues to hum “Hail to the Chief” as he begins to move about the Oval Office ] Oh, that’s a nice tune. Oh, gee, when they swear me in, maybe I’ll get Sammy Kahn to write some special lyrics. [ wanders to the back of Carter’s desk ] Gee, the President’s desk. Well, may as well get a feel for it. [ sits at Carter’s desk ] Let’s see, uh, let me say something presidential. Uh.. shut up! [ his hand points toward the door ] Yeah, that’s good! “Shut up.” [ his hand reaches down and pulls open a desk drawer, revealing peanut shells covering doctored photo of Billy Carter; Reagan holds it up , then drops it on the desk and pulls out an issue of Playboy Magazine ] I wonder who the Playmate is? [ opens the magazine to the page featuring an interview with President Carter ]
[ President Carter enters the Oval Office ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh. Uh, hi, Jimmy!
Jimmy Carter: Looking for something?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Just trying it out for size.
Jimmy Carter: Ron, for the next few days, would you mind very much if I sat there?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Oh, uh, not at all, Jimmy! Knock yourself out!
[ they switch sides at the desk ]
Jimmy Carter: Thank you, thank you very much. [ places his briefcase across the desk ] Ron, now – I-I invited you here to brief you on matters of supreme importance. [ Ron’s hand enters the frame in a posed position, as Ron admires his manicure ] Uh, Ron?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: I-I was saying – concerning the issue of human rights, I’m sure you’ll want to continue the policy of opposing dictatorial regimes throughout — [ Ron now begins to trim his fingernails with a clipper ] Ron, am I – am I boring you?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh, no. no, no. I-I-I’m all ears.
Jimmy Carter: With regard to our domestic problem, we must never advocate our responsibilty to the nation’s poor.. the elderly.. the disadvantaged — [ Ron holds up a handkerchief in front of the camera; as it disappears from view, we can hear Ron blowing his nose ] Ron, now that you have attended to your personal hygeine, let’s try to ocncentrate for a moment on the SALT negotiations. Of all the overwhelming problems faced by — [ Ron’s hands enters frame and begins to caress Carter’s briefcase ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh – nice briefcase.
Jimmy Carter: Well, thank you, thank you very much, Ron. But, uh, no problem is mroe urgent than finding a way to curb the dangerous and expensive buildup of nuclear — [ Ron opens Csrter’s briefcase with both hands, revealing a beeping triggering device inside labeled “Warning: Triggering Device Activated” ]
Voice of Ronald Reagan: [ holds his hand over the trigger button ] What’s the button for?
Jimmy Carter: Don’t touch that, Ron. [ smiles ] I see we have got a lot of work to do. [ closes and locks the briefcase ] Uh.. perhaps there is something that you would like to ask of me?
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Yes, uh, Jim – can you do this? [ holds his hands together and twiddles his thumbs around one another ]
Jimmy Carter: [ grabs the briefcase and pulls it away ] No, I can’t, Ron.
Voice of Ronald Reagan: Uh.. how about this one? [ touches his fingers together, then moves them in a climbing motion and sings: ] “The itsy-bitsy spider went up the waterspout..”
Jimmy Carter: [ Carter looks on, dubmfounded, as a side camera pulls out to reveal the cameraman and stagehand kneeling in front of the desk ]
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