Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update Jake Rocheck from Friend Zone

Michael Che

Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day

Shannon… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.

Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.

Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]

Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–

Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.

Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?

Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.

[Shannon walks in]

Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?

Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]

Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.

Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.

Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.

Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!

Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know.

[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward]

[Cut to Jake Rocheck]

Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.

[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]

Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson’s First Impressions

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: All this week confirmation hearings are taking place for Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees. Here to quickly sort them out with a segment called ‘First Impressions’, is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Che. How are you? Alright. So, Donald Trump has made about 20 different picks for his cabinet. [Cut to Pete Davidson] And democrats don’t like any of them. You knew we were in trouble when every liberal in America was like, “Come on, Mitt Romney!” Look, I don’t know everything about politics, or anything for that matter. But I’m a pretty good judge of people based on my first impressions. So, here we go.

[There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at right top corner.]

For Attorney General, Trump picked Alabama senator Jeff Sessions. A man who looks like Dobbie from ‘Harry Potter’, wished to be a real boy.

[Picture changes to Steven Mnuchin]

Next, we got the nominee for Treasury. Metrosexual Apple genius bar worker, Steven Mnuchin. He’s a Goldman Sachs guy worth over $1 billion. A long time ago, he was like, “When I’ll have $1 billion, women will have sex with me.” Now he’s like, “Maybe a trillion.”

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

Next is Trump’s nominee for housing and urban development Ben Carson. Trump thinks Carson should be in charge of housing because he lived in the projects as a child. Really? If you’re an expert on wherever you were born, does that mean I can be secretary of the Honda Civic? Sorry mom.

[Picture changes to Wilber Ross]

For secretary of commerce, the pick is Wilber Ross. I’ve heard this guy’s a billionaire investor. But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him sitting on Jeff Dunham’s lap. [Picture changes to Jeff Dunham and his puppet.] i knew I recognized him.

[Picture changes to Andrew Puzder]

Trump’s pick for secretary of labor is a guy named Andrew Puzder. If you ever wondered what Michael Fassbender would look like if he played Lex Luthor, wonder no more. Puzder was the CEO of Hardy’s and now he’s gonna be in charge of all the workers in America. You know how I know that’s a bad idea? Coz it’s the first time I’ve heard of the word Hardy’s in 15 years.

[Picture changes to Eric Trump]

And then there’s Eric Trump. This guy is not in Trump’s cabinet but I couldn’t resist. His hair says 1985 but his face screams, “Put the lotion in the basket!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Pete Davidson’s First Impressions, everybody.

Pete Davidson: Put the lotion in the basket!

Weekend Update on Stomach Bug Shutting Down High School

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school in Illinois has cancelled classed for second day after more than 800 students were out with a stomach bug. Which makes sense for a school whose Mascot is a worm-shrimp cocktail. Adorable.

[picture changes to Apple logo and an iPhone]

This week marked the 10th anniversary of the iPhone. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Thank you, Apple, for helping me ignore my family. [joining hands emoji, apple emoji, handshake emoji, monkey closing eyes emoji and family emoji appears on screen]

Imagine how different our lives would be right now without iPhones. Without an iPhone you wouldn’t be able to see that your friend is calling and wait until they stop calling, and then text them, “Why are you calling?” Kids in America would have great posture. And kids in China would have a day off.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ford logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m sure they’ll be building something. Ford has announced plans to start selling a new version of it’s classic Bronco SUV in twentytwenty. Hey, just in time for parole. [picture changes to OJ Simpson]

Did somebody say, “Whoo”?

[Picture changes to Chicago city]

A federal investigation concluded that the city of Chicago’s police officers used excessive force and unfairly target minorities. Oh, so that was the problem. You know, as a black dude that grew up in as Colin puts it, “the ghetto”, [Colin laughing] I never understood why cops don’t like us. We have so much in common with the police. We’re both portrayed negatively on the news. You can hear our cars from blocks away. Everyone gets nervous when they think we’re following them. We’re the only two people I know who can hop a fence in boots. We both bring our own guns to funerals. I can go on and on. But the biggest similarity is that black people don’t like being in crime infested areas either and I think that gets lost. That’s why I hate the term black on black crime because it makes it seem like it’s just a race issue. Which makes people who aren’t black check out. And I don’t blame them. If I saw a headline that said, “White woman cuts off white man’s penis”, I would be like, “Damn, white people are crazy. I’m glad I’m not white.” But if you took race out of it and the headline said instead, “Fed up woman cuts off cheating man’s penis,” I’d be like, “Oh, no, Colin, this affects us all.”

Weekend Update on Russia Blackmailing Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, this week we all got to explain our parents what a golden shower is. Well, explain it to our moms coz my dad was like, “Golden shower? Oh, the war.”

Buzzfeed reported unverified claims that Russia got their hands on some compromising information on Donald Trump to blackmail him. But the problem with unverified claims is no matter how unverified they are, if it’s hilarious enough, people will remember it as fact. Which is why when someone mentions Richard Gere to me, I don’t think “Pretty Woman.” I think Gerbil.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump blamed intelligence agencies for allowing the Russian dossier to leak, tweeting “Are we living in Nazi Germany?” Of course not. Nazi Germany at least had the guts to stand up to Russia.

On Wednesday, president elect Donald Trump held his first official press conference. And like a golden shower, it was a mess that covered everything. Trump only spoke for eight minutes, yet he somehow covered 4,000 topics. And at that point, it was journey to paper mountain. Trump said that the documents were evidence that he’s stepping away from his business. But it looked like evidence that he’s a hoarder. How does he have that much paper and none of it is tax returns? I’ll tell you this, I think we’re in good shape if Trump destroys ISIS the way he destroyes trees.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump refused to answer questions from CNN by doing this.

[Cut to Donald Trump ignoring CNN from asking question.

Donald Trump: Your organization is terrible.

CNN reporter: You are attacking our news organization. Can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir?

Donald Trump: [to other reporter] Go ahead.

CNN reporter: Sir, can you give us a question?

Donald Trump: Don’t be– No, I’m not gonna give you a question. I’m not gonna give you a question. You are fake news.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: I know I’m not supposed to like that guy, but damn that was funny. The president-elect just called CNN fake news live on CNN. And the only thing CNN could do back was say, “Sir? Sir? Sir?” It was like the dude from ‘Blues Brotheres.’ “Sir?”

Trump hasn’t even been sworn in yet and he’s already made enemies of the CIA, the FBI, and the national media. That’s ballsy. You still got to be president, dude. You need these people. You can’t just walk into a restaurant and insult the waiter, the chef and then say, “I would like to order a good clam chowder.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Stever Harvey]

Family Feud host Steve Harvey met with Donald Trump on Friday to discuss Harvey’s possible involvement with housing and urban development.  Ah! I would give anything just to listen to what those meetings are gonna like. [mocking Steve Harvey] “We asked a hundred black folks, name five things wrong with the projects. Show them roaches.” Dude, you’re a real estate tycoon. You couldn’t think of anybody more qualified for housing and development than Steve Harvey? It feels like every decision that Donald Trump makes starts with the sentence, “Yo, you know what would be hilarious?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US Capitol at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, republicans began the process of repealing Obamacare even though they have no plan ready to replace it. How do republicans not have a plan ready? They’ve been waiting for this moment for six years. It’s like if at end of the movie Rudy, if the coach finally pointed at Rudy to go into the game and Rudy was sitting there blackout drunk in his underwear, and then he like, tried to run on the field and tripped and broke his neck, and he can’t get health care because that’s a preexisting condition.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Beaurgard Session at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama senator Jeff Beaurgard Sessions… every time I say his name, I feel like I’m wearing some spindles. Anyway, Sessions testified before congress as part of his nomination process for attorney general. The whole hearing was just the committee trying to get Sessions to admit he’s a racist which is ridiculous because even if he is a racist, he’s never going to say it. I mean, [Picture changes to Kramer] even Kramer walked offstage like, “They were weird tonight, right?” If you want to know if Jeff Sessions is a racist, I don’t know, you gotta get his cleaning lady drunk or something and ask her. The only person I ever heard actually say that they were a racist was me. Twice. Once on this show and once to get out of Jury Duty.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama putting a medal on Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In an emotional ceremony, president Obama awarded Joe Biden the presidential medal of freedom and thanked him for his decades of service to the country. Biden was overwhelmed and also embarrassed because the thank you gift he got for Obama was just a homemade coupon for back rub.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s adorable.

Weekend Update Beck Bennett the Singer

Colin Jost

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, we have a lot of pop stars perform here on SNL. But it turns out– [laughing] That’s the weirdest transition. Just a piggyback on the Chicago stuff. We have a lot of pop stars perform on SNL. Well it turns out, we might have an emerging pop star right here in our cast. Here to explain is Beck Bennett.

[Beck Bennett slides in.]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Colin. Hey audience. I love you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Back, great hair, by the way.

Beck Bennett: Oh, yeah, this? I guess it’s just kind of how it naturally falls. It’s just being me.

Colin Jost: Yeah, doesn’t seem like it. Beck, what is going on with your music career?

[cut to Colin Jost]

Beck Bennett: Um, well, in a word Colin, it’s exploding.

Colin Jost: Wow.

Beck Bennett: People don’t know this but music’s always been a huge part of my life. And I’ve always like, listened to the radio. And I love songs.

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So, you’re like a classically trained singer? Or–

Beck Bennett: Um, I’m not classically trained per say. I just do original chart topping music that people fall in love with.

Colin Jost: Okay, great. So, do you wanna maybe try out one of your songs right now?

Beck Bennett: Um, okay. [Cut to Beck Bennett]

[singing] Everybody’s on the prowl
everybody’s gotta get that something, something
money, money, money, money, money
Yeah!

Thank you.

[audience cheering]

Colin Jost: [to audience] No, don’t. Don’t.

Beck Bennett: That song was about the economy and money.

Colin Jost: Yes. You said money like 10 times.

Beck Bennett: I have another one.

Colin Jost: Oh, great. I was gonna say thanks for coming. But sure, yeah, that’s great. If you got another one, let’s–

Beck Bennett: Okay. Um, just fair warning. It’s really tender.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

[singing] Honestly we’re here before
and honestly I’ve seen you there
and honestly we’ve been down this road

[audience cheering]

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m sorry. That was the whole song?

Beck Bennett: Oh, yeah. I do little songs, Colin. [Cut to Beck Bennett] A lot of singers with do eight to 10 songs in an album. Not me. I’ll do anywhere from 300 to 600 songs. Yeah, I am an absolute machine.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s too many songs.

Beck Bennett: I’m always producing.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, maybe slow it down. Now, why don’t you just maybe do one more song. A little song.

Beck Bennett: Sure, yeah. [Cut to Beck Bennett]

[singing] The pin goes in, the pin goes out
I’m trying to make a blanket
the pin goes in the pin goes out
I’m sewing something new

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. Yeah. That could be good.

[Cut to Beck Bennett]

Beck Bennett: [singing] Maybe it’s a hat or gloves
maybe it’s a brand-new coat
maybe it’s a little stuffed animal

[Cut to Beck Bennett and Colin Jost]

[audience cheering]

Yeah, that song ended up being about stuffed animal.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Wow, thanks man.

Beck Bennett: Yeah. It’s really–

Colin Jost: Thanks for walking us through that. Now look, Beck, there’s no easy way for me to say this.\

Beck Bennett: Uh-huh, great.

Colin Jost: Obviously I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Beck Bennett: Good news alert. Ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I just think that maybe after listening to your music–

Beck Bennett: [interrupting] I should quit comedy and do music full time? Great! Coz I already did it.

[singing] Everybody is on the prowl
money, money, money, money, money

Colin Jost: Beck Bennet, everyone. Musician.

Beck Bennett: Use my songs in Marvel movies, please.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Russia Hacking the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Well, Donald Trump is about a month away from his inauguration and people are starting to notice some red flags.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

At a press conference on Friday, president Obama again claimed Russia hacked our election. He also accused Donald Trump of knowing that it was happening while doing nothing about it. But I mean, can you really blame him? Who snitches when somebody cheats for them? That’s just ungrateful. You don’t expect [picture changes to Tom Brady] Tom Brady to tell ref, “Hey, let me try that touchdown pass again. The ball was deflated.” I guess Donald Trump was acting like a Patriot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of FBI and CIA logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, the FBI backed up the CIA and the White House in their conclusion that Russia interfered in the US election. Yet somehow, Trump keeps defending Russia despite all the evidence. It’s like right after Pearl Harbor, FDR had said, “We don’t know it was Japan. It could have been just some fat guy on a couch somewhere.” President Obama claimed that the Russian hacker stopped attacking America after Obama told Putin to “cut it out.” I’m not sure you’re gonna strike fear in the heart of an evil dictator with [Picture changes to Dave Coulier] Uncle Joey’s catch phrase from Full House.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of US map with states colored blue or red according to it’s majority votes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The electoral college is voting on Monday and it would take 37 members to change their votes to cost Donald Trump the election. That’s right, only 37 people stand in the way of Civil Wars: Episode II. The only thing scarier to me than Donald Trump becoming president is Donald Trump not being allowed to become president. Taking the presidency away from Donald Trump now is like giving a monkey a machine gun and then trying to wrestle it back from him. At this point, all we can do is just pray that he can’t figure out how it works, gets bored and puts it down and walks away.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Alexander Hamilton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I should point out that the electoral college was first proposed by Alexander Hamilton as a check against a misguided popular vote. So it’s pretty ironic that because of Hamilton, a black guy [picture changes to Barack Obama] is getting recast as a white guy.[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

Obama this week said that democrats are falsely characterized as coastal liberal latte sipping out of touch folks. Then he grabbed a salted caramel mochaccino and hopped on a private jet to Hawaii.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I gotta say it was pretty sad seeing Obama hold a press conference for maybe his last time. it was like his farewell concert. He’s going through all his greatest hits. The climate deal, Obamacare, reducing unemployment. I got so into it, I started calling out my favorite Obama hits. I was like, “Hey, do ‘Killing Osama’.” And that whole time he didn’t even bring up that he was the first black president which if you look at history is not that easy to do. That alone has earned him a place on every black family’s wall, right next to Martin Luther King and Perm Jesus.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump met with Kanye West at Trump Tower this week. I assume the nominee Kanye for a newly creative post, secretary of humbleness. He then said that he and Trump discussed what Kanye described as multi cultural issues. Multi cultural issues is also how Kanye describes his wife’s family.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of trump visiting his visitors at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump must feel like don Corleone. I mean, everybody’s taking meetings, asking him favors. Right now, Chris Christie is sitting in Trump Tower lobby practicing his lines like Luca Brazzi. “And may your first term be a masculine term.” But do we really need to know about everybody Trump meets? I mean the media wants to find tooth comb Trump’s dealings with Putin, I get that. But when he’s meeting washed up football players and rappers fresh out of the puzzle factory, I don’t need that information. I mean, what would have Kanye West and Donald Trump meeting even be? [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kanye West] It’s like those old cartoons when Scooby Doo meets with the Harlem Globetrotters, and you’re like, “Why? How would that even help? What will that do?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Rex Tillerson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump officially announced that he is nominating Exxon Mobile CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of state. Trump chose the Exxon CEO because he was three cents cheaper than the Chevron CEO across the street.

[Picture changes to

In 2013, Putin awarded Tillerson the order of friendship, which is one of the highest honors Russia gives to foreigners. In fact, the only higher honor Russia can give you is President of the United States. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jackie Evancho at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that in Trump’s inauguration, the national anthem will be performed by Jackie Evancho who finished in second place on America’s Got Talent. Though she somehow won America’s Got Talent electoral college. [Michael Che laughing]

[picture changes to Australian flag and potatoes]

An Australian man who ate nothing but potatoes for an entire year has lost more than 100 pounds, no longer needs anti-depressants, lowered his cholesterol and is dead.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Women’s March logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The organization planning the Women’s March on Washington on January has released the official logo for the event. It’s a great logo because like many feminists, it pushed the white women in the front.

[Cut to a person using a smart phone]

According to a new survey, 70% of the people say that their relationships have been hurt by fubbing, which is when you snub your partner to use your phone instead. Fubbing is not as I assumed when your booty’s too big to have sex in the bathtub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New York city at left top corner.]

Never fubbed Jost?

Colin Jost: Never fubbed. Excited for it. Earlier today, New York got it’s first major snowfall, which is fun because now you know which Deli has the most rats.

Michael Che: That’s so gross. [laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Colin Jost]

Speaker Colin Jost: Well, it’s the last Weekend Update of the year.

Speaker Michael Che: That’s right.

Speaker Colin Jost: And in the spirit of the holidays, we thought we try to rescue some jokes that got cut earlier in the year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panda at left top corner.]

Alright, here it goes. Gia Gia, the world’s oldest panda passed away this week at the age of 38. Gia Gia died after suffering a stroke stroke.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Chipotle has begun serving chorizo. The announcement was made loudly through a bathroom door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Speaker Colin Jost: Uber has issued a new set of rules that bans passengers from having sex with a driver or other passengers. Though you can always switch over to Lyft for a mustache ride.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chocolate World logo at right top corner.]

Speaker Michael Che: Hershey’s Chocolate World at Pennsylvania is preparing for its 100 millionth visitor. And to celebrate, I’m about to make my eighth visit to Jerry’s Chocolate World [Picture changes to a board of strip club] by the airport.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Speaker Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Russia Interfering with the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Good evening, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

It’s being reported that the CIA believes that Russia influenced our presidential election in favor of Donald Trump. You see? Feel better now popular vote? No? Okay. At this point telling us why Trump won is like a fire department showing up to tell us why our house is currently on fire. Just put it out. We’ll talk about it later. Trump’s team then dismissed the CIA claims saying that these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Now, first of all, Trump, damn, that’s a good comeback. Wow! Even the CIA responded to trump saying, “Wow, it’s like that?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And this comes after president Obama ordered intelligence officials to produce a full review on Russian efforts to influence the 2016 election. The review will be conduced by just lookin at Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This could also explain why Donald Trump has only been to a couple of the Daily Intelligence Briefings since winning the election. But Mike Pence has been to six a week. Pence is kind of like a wife carefully reading the IKEA instructions and Trump is the stubborn dad yelling, “Yeah, it did it right. It’s supposed to be wobbly!” You know, as crazy as it sounds, maybe it’s better Trump doesn’t know what’s going on. I mean, we can’t trust him with secrets. This guy tweets every thought that pops into his head. He is so petty and so vindictive, how long before he tweets out the president of China’s home phone number because he got a bag egg roll somewhere? I hope they tell him as little as possible. When Trump shows up for a briefing, I hope they give him some headphones and an iPad and make him watch ‘Frozen’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was revealed that Donald Trump will keep his job as producer on ‘The Celebrity Apprentice’ while he is president. It’s an absurd, unethical and potentially illegal conflict of interest– only on NBC.

Now, people are upset that Trump is doing a TV show and won’t go to intelligence briefings, but face it, America, Trump won because he is the fun guy. If we wanted a diligent, competent, experienced president we would have elected nerd lady. Okay? If your schools elects the rich cool guy president, he isn’t going to suddenly show up to school council meetings and examine the science budget. He is going to go on a V victory lap around the school, start a food fight with the model UN and grab some cheerleaders by the pom-poms. I mean, his whole platform was ‘Seniors rule, Mexicans drool.’

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rex Tillerson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump is expected to nominate EXXON CEO Rex Tillerson to be secretary of State. Rex Tillerson is such an oil tycoon’s name. The I in Tillerson should be an oil rig. Tillerson may have no government or diplomatic experience, but EXXON is known for their charitable work of cleaning oil off of ducks.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former mayor Rudy Giuliani has removed himself from consideration for a position in Trump’s cabinet, which is a smooth political way of saying Trump didn’t pick him. I mean, that’s like Dirty Grandpa taking itself out of Oscar contention. [Picture changes to Paula Dean] Or Paula Dean saying she won’t accept an NAACP image award. You’re good.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

On Tuesday, Donald Trump tweeted that he wants to cancel an order with Boeing for a new Air Force one because it costs too much. Which is weird, because Trump usually waits until after the work is done before he refuses to pay.

Trump has justified his use of twitter saying he’d tweet less if the press did their jobs better. Or if Ambien [Picture changes to a medical pills] did it’s job better.

[Picture changes to pope Francis]

The spread of fake news on the internet has become so prevalent that even the Pope spoke out this week and denounced fake news. And you know what’s bad when a guy who gets his news from voices in the sky and burning bushes is telling you to check your sources.

Weekend Update on Pro-Trump Graffiti Artist’s Arrest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Philadelphia city at right top corner]

Michael Che: A black man was arrested in Philadelphia after he went on a pro-Trump graffiti spree. He has been sentenced to spend the next five years with his aunty and uncle in Bel Air.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of South Korean flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: South Korean’s parliament has voted to impeach president Park Geun-Hye, the country’s first female president over a corruption scandal. You know, it’s hard not to look this story and think, “That could have been us.”

[Michael Che laughing]

Cool! Well, it’s dress-rehearsal.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a glove and a diamond ring]

A woman in Long Island discovered a diamond ring inside of a glove while trying it on at a department store. And because it was Long Island, it was still attached to her finger.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a

Michael Che: Amazon has opened a new grocery store in Seattle that uses sensors and artificial intelligence that allows customers to buy products without going to a cashier. So, not all the jobs are going to Mexico and China. Some of them are going to robots. Robots are even taking the jobs that we thought we’d never lose. Like, laid off factory workers became truck drivers because those truck ain’t gonna drive themselves. Well, guess what? In about two years, those trucks are going to start driving themselves.

[Picture changes to a Santa]

And white people freaking out over another news. The mall in America in Minnesota hired their first black Santa, which provoked outrage in social media. You know, having a black mall Santa sounds like a really nice idea until your white baby starts crying on his lap and your Christmas card looks like the toddler is a racist. Now, I don’t know what color Santa should or shouldn’t be, but he has given America a couple of hundred years of free labor. It sound pretty black to me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gotta say I think Santa’s black too, coz the only other guy I know with a pet reindeer is Tracy Morgan.

[Picture changes to Joslyn Wildenstein]

Joslyn Wildenstein known as the cat woman for extensive plastic surgery to make her look like a cat, was arrested on charges that she scratched her boyfriend. In fairness, he was taunting her with a laser pointer.

[Picture changes to a caduceus]

And a new study has found that people who shave or trim their pubic hair are more likely to contract sexually transmitted diseases. So, you’re probably in the clear, old guy at my gym!

Weekend Update Cathy Ann on Fake News

Michael Che

Cathy Ann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: A North Carolina man was arrested after he walked into a pizza place with an assault rifle and saying he was inspired by a fake news story he read off the internet. Here to talk about it is the woman that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Ann.

Cathy Ann: Ay, ay, Michael Che! Can you believe that idiot went into that pizza shop with a gun and he didn’t leave with no money and no pizzas? I mean, hello?

Michael Che: Well, he wasn’t trying to rob it. He thought he was trying to break up a pedophile.

Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah. Fake news. You know what? Whatever happened to journalistic didegrity, okay?

Michael Che: Didegrity?

Cathy Ann: Yeah, okay. We all can agree we got SHI Ton of crazy people in this country, right? And crazy people don’t even have fake news to get them going. And I can take that coz I’ve been one of them, okay? There were times that I would smoke, you know what, crack… [Michael Che laughing] Hey, I’m serious, off of lightbulb and Mike, I would act pretty erratically. I’ll be honest with you, okay? And people like me do not need to be encouraged on fortune and ribbon

Michael Che: You mean for chain and Reddit.

Cathy Ann: You know what? If you’re going to be correcting me all damn day, how about you start with my psoriasis?

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Ann: I know. I’m like Cecada. Full version of me clinging on to a tree somewhere. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but all that fake news is the work of the alt-right, right? Because, that’s what we’re supposed to call the white supremacists now, coz apparently the people that are drawing swastikers and saying “Hi, Hitler” are getting offended when you call them nazis. What the hell? Ain’t the whole point of saying white pride is to be proud of all that crap? Just say what you are. You’re not McCafe, you’re McDonald’s. I’m not here for a fancy Cappuccino, I’m here coz I burned some bridges at Wendy’s. Do not ask, Michael Che!

Michael Che: I actually was not gonna.

Cathy Ann: You know what? What is this right wing conspiracy fake news so popular anyway? What happened to just using the internet for what you’re supposed to. Porno

Michael Che: Okay. So, getting back to the alt-right.

Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Here’s my number one problem with the alt-right. It’s not the racism, no offense.

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Ann: It’s that they think they are so funny. You know what? They aren’t funny. That’s jail yard humor, okay? That’s like when you first go in the jail and they find the fattest guy and pulls his pants down and everybody gets to slap his butt one time to see who leaves the reddest mark.

Michael Che: Fattest guy? Did you go to a male prison?

Cathy Ann: They put you where they put you, Michael Che. Look, look, the alt-right, they ain’t as funny as they think, but damn are the liberals ain’t even trying to have a sense of humor. I mean, you even mention a sense of humor, they gonna online petition about you day later. All they do is yell at each other on Facebook about safety pins and Bernie Sanders. Alright, you’re a hundred times smarter than everybody else, and about a billion times less fun.

Michael Che: Okay, it sounds like you don’t have a lot of faith on either side to head with online fake news.

Cathy Ann: Yeah. You know what I think Michael Che? I think everybody needs to get off the damn internet for a few days. Including Donald Duck.

Michael Che: Donald who?

Cathy Ann: I know he’s watching. [Michael Che laughing] Go outside, meet people face to face and either fight them or freak them, like the pilgrims and all the cave men all did. The world is messed up, Michael Che. But I don’t let it get me too down coz I listen to the words of my hero. Michelle Robama. They go low, I get high.

Michael Che: Cathy Ann, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.