Tag: Dad

Dad – SNL

Dad… Woody Harrelson

Scotty … Kyle Mooney

Colby … Chris Redd

[Starts with a boy looking at his test marks. He can hear his dad coming to his room speaking on the phone.]

Dad: Well, have you looked at the contract?

[Dad enters the room]

Charlie, look. We sell computers. You’re my business partner at our computer company. Okay? So, let’s get the deal done. Okay?

Son: Hey, dad. Can I talk to you?

Dad: Of course, son. Is there a problem?

Scotty: You see—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Hold that thought. Charlie? No, no, no. That’s not gonna work. We’re in the computer business after all. Okay, so call me back. And Charlie, you’re one hell of a partner.

[Cut to dad]

You were saying, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Well, my friend failed the math test. And I guess I’m just wondering what you’d say to him if he were you son.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Well, I know he wouldn’t be playing video games for the next few years.

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: Dad, I’ve got to tell you something. So I—

[Phone ringing]

Dad: Just one second, Kiddo. Talk to me. Wait, who is this? Oh, Charlie.

[Everything gets dark except Scotty] [Scotty starts rapping]

Scotty: Dad he’s like a hero to me

always has been and always will be

I worship the ground that he walks on

just wish he would trash that phone that he talks on

Dad, your’e obsessed with work

don’t you know your obsession hurts

look at what this thing did to you

is this the only way that I to get through to you

Dad, so busy all the time

b-b-busy all the time

dad, so busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you

ever since the day dad got the phone 

I got to say I’ve felt so alone

hello dad, don’t you know that you’re needed

“we’re sorry the connection with your dad cannot be completed”

also I’m not popular and girls don’t like me

it all fells very bad

now here’s Colby rapping about dad

ladies and gentlemen Colby

Colby: D-A-D-D-Y that’s the guy

always have a shoulder for you to cry

catching the ball catching the fish

catching time with pops is a beautiful wish

since back in the day dads have been killing it

barbeque boss with the burgers straight grillin it

don’t forget the OG dad showing love

our heavenly father lord up above amen

Scotty: No, it’s not supposed to be a religious thing. It’s about my dad.

Colby: Oh, sure.

Scotty: Do it like we talked about.

Colby: All right.

Scotty: All right, let’s do the dancing we practiced.

One, two, three, get loose now!

[Scotty and Colby are dancing]

B-b-busy all the time

I-I-I wanna hang with you dad

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: We’re dong here. Right, son?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: No, dad. I think I’m done. I failed the math test.

Dad: Let me call you back. [Cut to Dad] Scotty, why didn’t you tell me?

[Cut to Scotty]

Scotty: I tried to. But I think your line was busy.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: I’ve been ignoring my own son.

[Dad starts rapping]

What have I become

it all began when the —

[phone ringing] [Dad starts talking on the phone]

“Charlie, talk to me. Yeah. No, no, no. I’m just doing a rap for my son Scotty. Yeah, it’s to a funky beat. Really? Oh, hell, I can get there right away. Let me just do my last line for the rap. Yeah.”

And that’s why I’m your dad

[Dad starts talking on the phone]

Yeah. Charlie. Can I come?

Scotty: Dad! Can I come?

Dad: Sorry son. Not this time. Colby!

[Colby joins dad]

Colby: Praise the lord. We’re going to have some fun.

Scotty: Dad.

[Dial tone] [Cheers and applause]

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves] [Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Parents Call | Season 44 Episode 12

Randy… Mikey Day

Chris Redd

Laurie… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Halsey

[Starts with Randy and his clients Chris and Laurie. Randy is explaining the office structure to his clients]

Randy: So, here is your office space layout. You’ll see, we kept these structural columns here. We thought it added some interest to he space, kept it from looking like a cookie cutter office building.

[Cut to Chris and Laurie]

Chris: All with the new. I like that.

Laurie: This is the common space.

Randy: Yeah. [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie] [ Randy’s phone starts vibrating] It’s– so sorry. Why are my parents calling?

Chris: Oh, you can go ahead and take that.

Randy: I am so sorry. Hello?

[Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Oh, hey Randy. How are you?

Mom: Hi, honey. How’s everything?

Randy: Mom, you guys are both there. What’s going on?

Dad: Oh, nothing. We just wanted to know if you liked that new grill we got you. We have the same one and we love it.

Randy: Cool. I’m actually at work right now.

Dad: Oh, you’re at work?

Mom: He’s at work–

Dad: Oh, don’t tell him about it.

Mom: It’s okay. Don’t tell him.

Dad: Yes, we won’t tell him.

Randy: Tell me what? You guys have something important to tell me?

Dad: Oh, no, no, we’ll tell you later. You’re at work.

Mom: Sorry, you’re at work.

Randy: No, no, guys. What is it?

Dad: Oh, it’s nothing at all. I shattered all the bones in my leg. Love you. [Dad hangs up the phone] [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Hello?

Chris: Is everything okay.

Randy: Do you guys mind if I call them back. I think my dad, like, broke his leg or something.

Laurie: Oh, of course.

Randy: Yeah. I’m so sorry.

[Randy calls his parents back] [Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Mom: Hello.

Randy: Hey, mom.

Dad: Oh, Randy! This is a surprise. Did you get out of work early.

Randy: No, you just said your legs were shattered?

Dad: Oh, come on buddy? It’s nothing. I was hot doggin’ at the club, rolled the golf cart and it pancaked my legs. Broke all the bones.

Mom: Pancaked them.

Dad: Yeah, but it’s not that big of a deal at all. I’m fine. We shouldn’t have called at all. God, you’re starting to piss me off.

Mom: Get back.

Randy: Dad, are you okay?

Dad: How should I know? I refused medical care at the scene. When your mother had to go last week, they charged us 5 grand for an IV.

Mom: Highway robbery.

Randy: Wait, what happened to mom?

Mom: Nothing. So you never told us. How’s that new grill?

Randy: I don’t care about the stupid grill, mom.

Dad: Oh, stupid. Oh, we’re sorry. The grill we bought you is such a dumb ass. And you know, your mother didn’t want me to tell you, but she got shot. [Dad hangs up the phone] [Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: What? Oh, my god. I’m so sorry. I think my mom got shot. If you guys want to reschedule?

Chris: No, no, no. Call them back.

Laurie: And you can put them on speaker?

Chris: Yeah, I feel like we are a part of this now.

Randy: Yeah.

[Cut to Mom and Dad. Mom’s both hands are plastered. The phone rings] [Cut to split screen. Randy at the left, mom and dad at the right.]

Dad: Hello?

Randy: Dad?

Dad: Oh, Randy! You’re home.

Randy: No. I’m still at work. Mom, were you shot?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Yes, Randy. Don’t make it a big deal. I was on a jog in the woods and I ran through a shooting range. Took five bullets to my thigh. Now, I see on Facebook you are seeing someone?

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Mom. Stop changing the subject.

Dad: Oh, right. Okay. [Cut to Mom and Dad] How dare your mother take an interest in her son’s love life?

Mom: She’s beautiful.

Dad: Yeah. She’s almost as silly as that little idiot grill.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, guys, should I fly out?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: No, no. We do not need an extra set of hands around the house.

Dad: Yes, we have mine even though you mother’s are completely ruined.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Wait, did you say mom’s hands are ruined?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yes, Randy. She ruined her hands in the fall.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Chris: Ask her what fall.

Randy: I’m going to.

Chris: Okay.

Randy: What fall?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: My fall, through the hole.

[Cut to Randy, Chris and Laurie]

Randy: Okay, what hole?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Randy! The hole in the middle of our house. She fell through it. She braced her fall with her hands and they snapped right off.

Mom: And then they snapped them back.

Dad: What is it you don’t understand? I can’t do it with him.

Mom: He’s pissing me off.

Dad: He’s pissing me off. [Dad stands up with his crutches and starts walking behind] [Cut to Randy, Chris, and Laurie]

Laurie: Hi, sir. This is Laurie. Your son’s client. Why is there a hole in your house?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, because Laurie, we were installing an elevator because of all the leg mishaps recently.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: So, why is there not an elevator where the hole is?

[Cut to Mom and Dad. They are annoyed.]

Dad: Think, Randy. Because we changed our mind! All right?

Mom: God, this kid!

Dad: I can handle myself on the stairs just fine. [Door bell rings] I’ll get it.

Mom: You get it.

Dad: [Dad falls off the stiars] Oh, no! My legs! My face! My body is completely pan-caked!

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Um, okay, you guys. I am going to fly out there first thing tomorrow morning.

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, good. You can meet Roger. He’s living with us now.

[Cut to Randy]

Randy: Okay, Roger? Who is Roger?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: Oh, Roger is your identical twin brother we gave up for adoption at birth. Love you. [Mom hangs up the phone]

Another Brothers | Season 44 Episode 11

Mrs. Johnson… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Johnson… Mikey Day

Mom… Cecily Strong

Dad… James McAvoy

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Jared… Beck Bennett

Spencer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Super Bowl announcer’s sound coming out of a house]

Mrs. Johnson: Listen Dave. [Cut to six adults sitting inside the house watching Super Bowl] Thank you so much for inviting us to your Super Bowl party.

Mr. Johnson: Yeah. And seriously, these potato skins are insane.

Mom: OH, please.

Dad: We love having you.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Oh, well. I’m just here to keep his eyes off those cheerleaders.

Kenan Thompson: Hey, no promises.

[Cut to everybody laughing] [Spencer and Jared are fighting upstairs]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

Mr. Johnson: What was that noise?

Mom: Oh-oh. That’s our boys, [Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dad and Mom] acting up ever since I got remarried.

Dad: Hey, you guys, ya’ll want to meet ‘em?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mrs. Johnson: Sure.

Dad: Hey, boys, [Cut to everybody] come out down here and make the Johnson’s.

[Jared and Spencer come downstairs fighting]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Spencer and Jared]

Spencer: Stop hitting my nuts!

Jared: I’m not hitting your nuts!

Spencer: Get of my nuts!

[Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys. Now, come on. What’s gotten into you?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Sorry, sir.

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Am I going to have to tell you again? Am I going to have to turn this hose on you and blow you again? Or ya’ll goin’ be good boys?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: We’ll be good boys, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mrs. Johnson: You keep a leaf blower in the house?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well yes. Otherwise they’d be all wet.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Okay, boys, now come say hello to the Johnson’s.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared: Hi Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. My name’s Jared. I play basketball.

Spencer: I’m Spencer. I’m younger than him, but I made all stars.

Jared: No, you didn’t

Spencer: Yes, I did. Coach told me.

Jared: You’re a liar!

[Spencer and Jared starts to fight again]

Spencer: Get off me!

Jared: Get off me!

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray]

Jared and Spencer: Ah! Ah! Ah!

[Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Boys, now, this behavior is unacceptable.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared and Spencer: Yes, sir, we’re sorry, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and Mom]

Mom: Spencer, come show the Johnson’s a campbell’s what you’ve been working on?

Mr. Johnson: Actually, we kind of want to go now.

Mrs. Johnson: Did you two know about this?

[Cut to Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I think we blocked it out.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Yeah, we definitely chose to forget.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, this is my touchdown dance. [Spencer starts to dance]

Jared: What? That’s my touchdown dance. [Jared starts to dance with Spencer]

Spencer: You’re not even doing it right!

Jared: I’m doing it perfect!

Spencer: Oh yeah? Explain this. Ow! Mr. and Mrs. Johnson this is the dance. Right?

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Jared: Mr. and Mrs. Johnson is this a dance?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer dancing]

Spencer: Which one of the touchdown dancers Mr. and Mrs Johnson?

Jared: Is this the dance Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?

Spencer: That’s not the dance. [Spencer carries a chair and hits Jared with it]

Jared: You’re dead! [Jared grabs Spencer’s shirt and throws him into TV breaking the TV] Live from the Super Bowl, it’s my brother! He broke the TV. [Jared jumps over Spencer] [Dad sprays Jared and Spencer with water spray] [Dad uses leaf blower on Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well, that’s the last time, dammit. Ya’ll are embarrassing us in front of our company.

Jared: Sorry sir. He started it.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Jared:  Oh, I’m stupid? Well, they tried to abandon you. Dad, tell him.

Spencer: Wait, what?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Oh, god.

Spencer: He’s stupid!

Jared: Go on, dad. Tell him what happened.

Spencer: Dad—what’s he talking about?

[Cut to Dad, Jared and Spencer]

Dad: Well—you know Spence—you know how you were an accident?

Spencer: Yeah.

Dad: And your mama and your first daddy weren’t planning on having a second?

Spencer: Mm-hmm.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: Why do you talk to him this way?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, Spence, after you were born, she put you up for adoption, but the family that adopted you, they brought you back.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer: So – so there was – there was nobody that wanted me?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: No. But you were meant to come back to us, sweetie. And every day since has been the best day of our lives.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: That’s right, son. Now, why don’t you give each other ten apology kisses.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer]

Spencer and Jared: Aw, yes, sir.

[Cut to Mr. and Mrs. Johnson]

Mr. Johnson: But why, though?

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing nine times]

Mom: Hey. [Cut to Mom] That was only nine.

[Cut to Jared and Spencer kissing one more time]

Spencer and Jared: Aw. Good night Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

[Cut to everyone. Spencer and Jared are running upstairs]

Spencer: Go!

Mom: Well, sorry you guys. I think the TV might be broken.

[Cut to Aidy and Kenan]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, your son’s head went through it.

[Cut to everyone]

Dad: Hey, ya’ll want to go upstairs and watch with the boys?

Everybody: No.

[Dad runs upstairs]