Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: US health officials have released new federal guidelines on circumcision. The guidelines are titled, “Tips for tips.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pizza Hut logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pizza Hut is trying out a new tablet based menu that relies purely on customer’s eye movements to create their perfect pizza. Finally, a way around the rigorous work of pointing.

[Picture changes to Black Peter and Saint Nicholas.]

A debate has renewed in Netherlands this week over the country’s Christmas tradition of Black Peter, who is a Black faced assistant to white Saint Nicholas. I don’t know how the debate turned out, because once I Googled the word ‘Black Peter’, work took away my internet.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a man playing golf and a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was your second time though. While playing in a tournament in South Africa, pro golfer Luke Donald was chased off the course by a charging Baboon. Nice try golf, but you’re still boring.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There is a picture of marijuana leaf at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers are developing a new breathalyzer that can detect if a person has recently smoked marijuana. They’re calling it, ‘a nose’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Attorney Gloria Allred has challenged Bill Cosby the ways the statute of limitations and meet his accuses in court. Cosby has agreed, but only if the court is a Grand Jury in Staten Island.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The day of the week with the most work place murders is Monday. This according to a really dark snapple cap.

[Picture changes to Amazon package.]

Amazon this week launched a line of diapers that they say offer parents a new level of transparency about the material used to make them. Because if there’s one thing that people want in a diaper, it’s transparency.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop that has ‘Girl Scouts’ in it’s screen.]

Michael Che: The Girl Scouts have announced that for the first time their cookies will be available for sale on the internet. The way it works is you contact the Girl Scout on the internet and then cookies are waiting for you in prison.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US flat, Police Department of New York badge and jury chairs at left top corner.]

A Staten Island Grand Jury on Wednesday decided not to indict a New York city police officer in the death of Eric Garner. Because I guess even the jury didn’t wanna see him like they were resisting police.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on, man! Give them a break, Colin. It was a tough call. It’s not like there was video of it.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, actually there was.

Michael Che: Oh, but I mean it was inadmissible in court.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. The jury saw it.

Michael Che: They saw the video but it was like blurry and far away.

Colin Jost: Actually it was pretty clear and close up.

Michael Che: Oh, so the cop didn’t really choke that guy?

Colin Jost: Oh, no, he definitely did.

Michael Che: Well, I mean its sad but Garner shouldn’t have killed all those people, if, you know–

Colin Jost: Well, actually he was just selling lose cigarettes.

Michael Che: Oh, for real?

Colin Jost: Che, you honestly not know any of this?

Michael Che: No, I knew it, I’m just surprised every damn time I hear it. It never gets easier.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of jury chairs at right top corner.]

Both Grand Juries failed to indict those cops? You know, it used to be, “You said you were racist to get out of jury duty.” Now, being racist seems like a requirement. I mean, these decisions were so bad that I might actually stop avoiding jury duty. And usually, I can’t serve because of my children. They’re both very sick and very made up. But now, I can’t wait to go. I might just show up at court and see if they take walk-ins. Better juries are our only hope. It’s either that or we can play these videos and and photo negative so that the cops are black and the victims are white. And then, maybe somebody will go to jail.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island map on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Look, here’s the thing, okay? I’m from Staten Island, okay? Staten Island is a great place to live. It is a terrible place to hold a Grand Jury involving race and cops. Staten Island was like 80% white and like, 95% cops. The other 5% is split between firefighters and members of the Wu Tang Clan. That’s why nothing about this Grand Jury seemed fair. It’s like when they move the Rodney King trial to the whitest suburb of LA, or for people under 30, [Picture changes to a scene in Game of Thrones.] it’s like Peter Dinklage was on trial in Game of Thrones and his dad was the judge. So, please, everyone sake, please, keep the cop trials out of Staten Island. We’re not ready for these complicated modern issues yet. We still arrive in Manhattan everyday huddled in a boat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of power cut in Detroit.]

Michael Che: In other news, a major power outage struck Detroit this week leaving roughly 100 buildings without power. The problem will be fixed once someone in Detroit notices the difference.

[Picture changes to Oprah Winfrey.]

According to a recently released report, authorities in Michael Che009 stopped a terrorist plot to bomb Oprah Winfrey Studios. Which explains why Oprah was always saying, “Everybody look under your seats.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Monica Bellucci.]

Colin Jost: It was announced this week that the next James Bond movie will feature actress Monica Bellucci, who at 50 will be the oldest Bond girl ever. Said Bellucci, “Please stop describing me that way.”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: This is Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s is a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

President Obama on Thursday announced that he was bypassing congress and issuing executive actions that will prevent the deportation of nearly 5 million illegal immigrants. So, in six years, Obama has gone from ‘Yes We Can’ to ‘Yeah, I can.’ For much more on this immigration story, bring it up to your grandfather at thanksgiving.

[Picture changes to Steven Cohen]

During a hearing about the recent failures of the Secret Service, democrat Steven Cohen suggested securing the White House with a moat. Because nothing says, “You’re in tune with the people” like building a moat.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Cosby at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hey, Bill Cosby! Pull your damn pants up! I’ve always wanted to say that. In the wake of allegations against Bill Costy, TV Land pulled all reruns of the Cosby show. And I don’t know how to feel about that because I don’t know Bill Cosby, but Cliff Huxtable practically raised me. I love that dude. And the only thing he ever tried to sneak when people were asleep was a Hogi. So, while I may never forgive Bill Cosby, hopefully someday I can forgive Dr. Huxtable. I mean, I know it’s not the same thing, but I forgave Craimwa.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pipeline at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Democrats in the senate were able to stop a bill authorizing the controversial Keystone XL pipeline even though the project could have created thousands of good jobs cleaning off birds.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Missouri’s map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anticipation of the grand jury decision in Ferguson, governor Jay Nixon has declared the state of emergency and deployed the national guard. So, spoiler alert, I guess we know what the verdict is. Deploying the national guard before the verdict is like your lawyer telling you to show up to court in something orange.

Weekend Update Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson on True Detective.docx

Colin Jost

Matthew McConaughey… Taran Killam

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: HBO starting production of it’s season two of it’s critically acclaimed series, “True Detective.” Here with their thoughts, on the stars of season one, Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.

[Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Woody Harrelson: How are you, Colin? Thank you for having us.

Matthew McConaughey: We’re no star, Josto.

Colin Jost: Now, Matthew, I’m a big fan of Interstellar.

Matthew McConaughey: Interstellar’s a big fan of you. [Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey] Coz at the end of the day, we’re all interconnected. Coz time is a flat circle. Future, present, goes to girlfriend’s past.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Well, they’re starting season two and I gotta say, we’re gonna miss you guys on the series, you know?

Woody Harrelson: Oh, it’s nice of you, Colin. [Cut to Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey] We always knew it was gonna be a one and done situation.

Matthew McConaughey: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Can’t go on and on to the breaking dawn. Coz we are the creatures of the night. Vampires, tsk-khii! Blood suckers. And when the cock crows, “Cuc-koo”, poof! Dust in the wind.

Woody Harrelson: I couldn’t have said that better myself, Matthew.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: I don’t think anyone could have said it like that. Now, you two have been friends for a long time. Is that why you decided to do the show together?

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Woody Harrelson: Yeah, yeah! I like working with Matthew. He really goes for it. I mean, he insisted on running his line fully nude.

Matthew McConaughey: You got to.

Woody Harrelson: Yeah! He ate lunch, fully nude.

Matthew McConaughey: Just so that open free air…

Woody Harrelson: And he even acted fully nude. They had to CGI clothes on him.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Does that help your process?

Matthew McConaughey: What are actors, Co-Jo? [Cut to Woody Harrelson adn Matthew McConaughey] Truth finders. Answer getters. How many lakes does it take till you get to the center of the Tutsi park, three. How do I know? The owl told me. Hoo-hoo!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: What owl?

Matthew McConaughey: Exact-mondo!

Colin Jost: Do you have any advise for Vince Bond and Colin Farrell? The new cast of “True Detective?”

[Cut to Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Woody Harrelson: Those guys are great actors. They’ll be fine. But, rule number one, trust your co-star.

Matthew McConaughey: Amen, brother.

Woody Harrelson: Yeah, this man took me on a journey. Two roads diverge and me and Matthew didn’t take either one.

Matthew McConaughey: Exactly. Because we… zeeeeee, travel by zipline. Brothers in battle. The Luigi to my Mario. I find a mushroom, pop-pop-pop-pop. Now, I’m bigger and he’s spitting fireballs. Du-du-du-du-du, Du-du-du-du-du. Pop on the turtle’s backs, send him into the base. I guess one man can jump.

Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey: Alright, alright, alright.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey]

Colin Jost: Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson, everybody.

Matthew McConaughey: This one’s my soulmate.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael. Good night.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Crazy Bitches

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A California woman was arrested after she tried to break into the house of a man she met online by sneaking in through his chimney. Here with her thoughts on this story is Weekend Update relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Leslie Jones: What’s up Colin? Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you. Now, what do you think about this woman who snuck in through the chimney.

Leslie Jones: You know what, Colin? Look, I sympathize with this woman. [Cut to Leslie Jones] When stuff like this happens, men just love to call woman names like crazy bitch. Crazy bitch!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Y’all got your nerve calling women crazy but you men is just as crazy as us. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Y’all can’t even handle our bodies. Every time you look at our breasts, you lose your damn minds.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Look at my breasts, Colin.

Colin Jost: No.

Leslie Jones: [yelling] Look at my breasts.

Colin Jost: I feel like I have to talk to HR first.

Leslie Jones: See, men, you just want to touch them and squeeze them and mash them together. And if you can’t do that, you’re staring at them all creepy like. [Cut to Leslie Jones] Every girl out there grew up with some uncle staring at them at thanksgiving, saying how much you’ve grown. And they ain’t really even your uncle. They just some dude your dad work with. It’s personal!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: We got that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: So, you men think you crazy, you give us that crazy. We got to be crazy. We take men inside of us. Inside of our heart. Inside of our souls. Inside of our Netflix account.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Do you know how gangster that is? To take all of that inside of you, Jost?

Leslie Jones: I guess its– yes. It’s pretty gangster.

Colin Jost: You better believe it’s gangster you tall glass of almond milk.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Ay, you know what? When we first started dating y’all, we don’t even know what we’re taking inside of us anyway. We gotta be ready for whatever penis bring to the house. We don’t know if it’s long, short, wide, skinny, bumpy, scratchy, smooth, crooked. We don’t know which one of the seven dwarfs you gonna bring. And we gotta hug you. We gotta hug you when we make love to you. We got to put our hands on your sweaty, hairy ass. And you can’t even call me back tomorrow?

So, you listen here crazy chimney bitch. When some man call you a crazy bitch, you own it. You are crazy bitch. I’m a crazy bitch. We gotta be crazy. And please believe me, if you end up in our pants, don’t be surprised if we end up in your chimney.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Leslie Jones]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: I’ll be in your chimney, Jost.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Dennis Rodman and Kenneth Bae at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dennis Rodman is claiming that a letter he sent to his friend Kim Jong Un helped free American aid-worker Kenneth Bae from a North Korean prison. The letter read simply, “Bae- Free Bae. Love, Bae.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of broken satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The European space agency said that the landing of a space craft on a comet this week was rougher than they initially thought with the pro bouncing twice before landing. “Only twice?” said the [Picture changes to Spirit Airlines] Spirit Airlines.

[Picture changes to radioshack]

Radioshack announced that it will open for Black Friday sales at 8 am on thanksgiving day. Great news for fans of radioshack’s most popular item, directions to Bestbuy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush spent the week teasing each other on social media with Clinton asking how Bush isn’t on twitter yet and Bush asking how Clinton wasn’t on Instagram. [Picture changes to Jimmy Carter] All while Jimmy Carter once against spent his week plowing through tinder.

[Picture changes to a marijuana leaves]

As more states have voted to legalize marijuana, many employers still have a zero-tolerance policy for firing workers that used the drug. This according to a letter I got from Lorne.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buddy Valastro at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Buddy Valastro, the star of the reality show “Cake Boss” was arrested in Manhattan on charges of drunk driving and allegedly told officers, “You can’t arrest me. I’m the Cake Boss.” Which might have worked if those officers were cakes.

[Picture changes to Bill De Blasio and Ebola virus]

At a press conference this week, New York city mayor Bill De Blasio said the doctor diagnosed with Ebola is now cured. Adding “the New York city is Ebola Free”. We’ll see about that said Time Square Elmos.

[Picture changes to a theme park.]

A theme park in England has banned all single people from entering the park to protect children from possible pedophiles. So, let this be a lesson to all you pedophiles out there, start working in teams.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Michael Che: It’s a good advice. Police in New Jersey are searching for an African gray parrot that was stolen from a local zoo. Of course, New Jersian African Gray Parrot is just a pegion in a dashiki.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che at their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of USA and China’s flags at right top corner.]

This week, China and US reached a historic agreement to cut carbon emissions. [Picture changes to ISIS flag] The leader of ISIS may have been killed in an airstrike. [Cut to a satellite in space] And a space craft landed on a comet 300 million miles away. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on magazine’s front page.] But that ass though. The cover for latest issue of Paper magazine featuring a naked pictures of Kim Kardashian was viewed online more than 16 million people. So, thank you Kim, I can now find porn just by googling the word paper.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Getting back to real news, the Michael Che0Colin Jost5 Obamacare open enrollment period began today. And president Obama urged Americans to spread the word and check their insurance options on healthcare.gov. Except they can’t because [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian’s picture on front page of a magazine again] someone broke the internet. Okay, I promise, that was the last one.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But that ass though. Damn!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of leaders taking oath.]

Colin Jost: This week, president Obama traveled to Asia to meet with leaders from China, Russia and Japan to deal with some pretty tough questions, like, [Cut to a picture of Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping wearing same outfit.] who wore it best?

[Picture changes to ISIS coin]

On Thursday, ISIS announced plans to issue its own currency which will be independent of the currency of western economies but will still be accepted in more places than [Picture chances to Discover card.] Discover.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US and China flag.]

Michael Che: The US and China signed a historic agreement to cut green house gases by the year Michael Che030. [Picture changes to a polar bear] “Sooner”, screamed this polar bear.

Weekend Update Romantic Comedy Expert

Daisy Rose… Venessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Several major networks recently debut romantic comedy themed sitcoms including Selfie, A to Z and Marry Me. Here to comment is our romantic comedy expert, Daisy Rose.

[Daisy Rose slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Daisy Rose: Hi. I am sorry. Do you know how I can get to the Weekend Update desk? I am supposed to do a talk in romantic comedies and I am completely lost as per use.

Michael Che: This is the Weekend Update desk.

Daisy Rose: Oh, my god! I am officially an idiot. Let me just get my note cards here. And– Oh! I’m sorry. I just had such a stressful day and I went total cluts and I just– I spilled–

Michael Che: Oh, no, it’s okay. I’m Michael Che and it’s nice to meet you.

Daisy Rose: Well, I’d better get into my talk. This season’s new crop of romantic comedies bring not only the Ram, but also Cam.

Michael Che: That’s pretty clever.

Daisy Rose: [laughing] You know, it’s not that often that I meet a guy with a sense of humor. I guess, ever since my ex and I broke up, I don’t laugh a lot. And I don’t know, you … um, you make me laugh. Hi, I’m Daisy Rose.

Michael Che: I know, I just introduced you. Anyway, get it back to romantic–

Daisy Rose: Comedies? We’re finishing each other’s sentences

Michael Che: Kinda! So, as a romantic comedy expert, what do you think of these new shows?

Daisy Rose: What do I think? What do I think honestly?

[music playing]

I think that… um, that maybe I was meant to be here tonight. Because I was meant to meet you.

Michael Che: That is not why we actually brought you here.

Daisy Rose: It’s just that … and I think– you go first.
Michael Che: You’re the only one going. So, maybe get back to talking about romantic comedy.

Daisy Rose: Look, I guess what I’m saying is, it’s New York city and it’s 6 days before Halloween. So, do you wanna just go somewhere and talk?

Michael Che: Daisy, I can’t go anywhere now. I’m in a middle of Update.

Daisy Rose: You’re always in the middle of Update. Why not in the beginning of something? Stop reading the cue cards out there and start reading the ones in here. [putting her hand over her heart]

Michael Che: Okay, I met you 70 seconds ago.
Daisy Rose: Well, if I don’t leave now, I’ll miss my flight. And you’ll lose me forever.

Michael Che: Well, then you better go.

Daisy Rose: Hey, listen, if we’re not both married and… I don’t know. Daisy Rose5, Michael Che0 minutes, do you want to meet at our special place? You know, the place where we first met?

Michael Che: You mean, right here?

Daisy Rose: Yes. So, what do you say? Do want to take a chance on us?

Michael Che: Absolutely not.

Daisy Rose: You have me at ‘Absolutely’.

Michael Che: Daisy Rose, everyone.

[Daisy Rose acting shy]

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle on Halloween

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Drunk Uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost Halloween. And that means families will be out Trick or Treating. Here with his take on Halloween this year is drunk uncle.

[cheers and applause]

[Drunk Uncle slides in with his glass]

So, how are you drunk uncle?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, trick or treat! I’m sorry. 5th floor please.

Michael Che: No man! I’m the new Update anchor.

[Drunk Uncle is confused]

[Drunk Uncle slides his chair behind Michael Che and then to the side of Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: Yeah, this feels better. Oh! Trick or treat, smell my feet, kids used to volunteer to fight for their country.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! Be nice.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey! [Drunk Uncle puts a trash can’s cover on his head] Ouch! What’s my costume?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Oscar the grouch?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: No, I’m America because that’s where we are now, in the garbage.

[Drunk Uncle throws away the trash can cover.]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you must be excited for Halloween? Right?

Drunk Uncle: More like Horrorwin. You know? I mean, like, “Oh! What are you going as little girl?” “Oh, I’m going as disappointing my father.” People don’t even trick or treat anymore, Colin. You know? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] When I was a kid, monsters were men. It was just ghost, goblin, Frankenstein, Dracula. Nowadays, it’s just, “Trick or treat! Can you put some goji berries in my drop box please?” Is this GoPro farm to table? NFL anywhere. If you can watch the NFL anywhere, then why can’t I watch it in the damn toilet, Linda?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, come on, drunk uncle.

Drunk Uncle: Fit bit. Fit bit. Fit bit. The only exercise I get is chasing those damn gypsies off my lawn.

Colin Jost: Those were costumes.

Drunk Uncle: They were like, “Oh! Trick or treat!” Well, guess what? We already got trick. It’s called Pearl Harbor.

Colin Jost: Alright. Drunk uncle, I think you’re a little too drunk.

Drunk Uncle: Yeah! I got trapped in a corn maze. Oh! Excuse me. I’m sorry. A native American maze.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

[Drunk Uncle starts singing, and then crying]

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, drunk uncle. Are you crying?

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not a jack of lanterns. Oh yeah? So I don’t know how to commit murder [blabbering unintelligible words]. Okay? So I’m not a graveyard smash, okay? [blabbering unintelligible words] That’s not me.

Colin Jost: That’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey, hey. You wanna hear a joke?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Drunk Uncle: What is black and white and red all over?

Colin Jost: A newspaper?

Drunk Uncle: Oh, no, that’s better. I was going to say something super racist. So, yeah. [Drunk Uncle starts singing]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everybody! For Weenend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.