Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Garth And Kat Sing Hanukkah Songs

Michael Che

Kat… Kristen Wiig

Garth… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Tonight marks the 5th night of Hanukkah and here to pitch us on their idea for great last minute Hanukkah gift, please welcome celebrated song writer, Garth and Kat.

[Kat and Garth slide in putting on make up.]

[cheers and applause]

Kat: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

Garth: Sorry. So sorry about that. Yeah, it took me longer than usual to man-escape. So sorry.

Kat: And I was taking down our Christmas tree.

Michael Che: Wait, taking down? Christmas is a week away.

Kat: No, I wasn’t taking it down like that. I was taking it down like, ‘You suck, you don’t look right.’

Garth: Yeah, it deserved it.

Kat: It really did.

Michael Che: Okay, so I understand you have a brand new Hanukkah album.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: Yeap! We sure do.

Kat: We sure do, yeap!

Michael Che: Okay, well I’m really excited to hear some of your new Hanukkah songs. What’ the name of the album?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: The name of the album?

Kat: Oh, thanks for asking.

Garth: It’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Hanukkah is one of the only things that you’re assure to know. And don’t we all?”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you have actually written an album, right?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah!

Kat: Uh, yeah! And guess what? It rocks!

Garth: Yeah! It rocks… the Jews all night long. And here’s a song from my– this one’s called…

Kat and Garth: Simon’s dreidel.

Kat: Song is cool.

Garth: It’s pretty cool, I have to say. Ready?

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh-wo-oh-wop!
Oh-wo-oh-wop!
there he had an idea
an idea
an idea for everyone
and they told it as a secret
and they told it as a secret

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: [interrupting] Hang on, guys. That does not sound like a written song.

Kat: Sir, don’t sir.

Garth: Come on! Don’t do that.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Sir, we’re begging you.

Kat: We have sung that song for the past four months on our national tour.

Garth: Yeah! We were in Alan town.

Kat: Pennsylvania.

Garth: Pittsburgh.

Kat: Harrisburg.

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! I thought you said it was national tour. These all places are in Pennsylvania.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Well, we also do Hawaii.

Kat: Yes, we do one night in Hawaii and then one night in Pennsylvania, then we go back to Hawaii, then we go back… Urgh!

Garth: It’s exhausting.

Kat: But our next song is really good. I think you’re gonna like this one.

Garth: Yeah! This one’s called…

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Wait! Can you say it again? What is it?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: “Every time you wanna know the real, real truth, the best thing to do is ask yourself, coz, whoop!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Garth: It’s just an old song. Here we go, ready?

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Kat and Garth: [singing] Oh, there was a dreidel I saw in the snow
and the snow was in the pile
the snow was in the pile
pile of mud
pile of mud
dig through the mud and get it with a shovel–

Michael Che: Alright! [Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth] Stop! Stop! You clearly have not written anything. I don’t think there’s an album at all.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Oh, you don’t think so, huh? [Garth takes his CD out.] Well, I guess I’ll just show you this.

Kat: What’s that?

Garth: What do you call this?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: I call that the Hunger Games soundtrack. You guys gotta go.

Kat: No, please.

Garth: Come on! Please.

Kat: We came all the way from the creation museum.

[Cut to Kat and Garth]

Garth: Yeah! Moses had a dinosaur, did you know that?

Kat: Did you know that?

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, you guys have ruined Hanukkah and you wasted my time. You have to go.

Garth: No, no. Please. [Cut to Kat and Garth] Please, we mean it. For real.

Kat: Yes. We have one song.

Garth: We prepared it and everything.

Kat: Yes, it has music. Yes. We’re ready to go.

Garth: It’s very funky.

Kat: Yeap!

Garth: it’s called the…

Kat and Garth: Nora in the window.

Kat: Yeap. Here we go. Ready? Hit it.

[funky music playing]

[Kat and Garth start rocking their bodies.]

Kat and Garth: Hanukkah is just eight nights
but our joy will last all year

[Cut to Michael Che, Kat and Garth]

Michael Che: Okay, now this sounds like a real song.

[music stops]

Kat and Garth: And I saw my uncle
I had couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
couple of uncles with grey, grey hair
and they celebrate, celebrate, celebrate, celebrate

Michael Che: Garth and Kat, everybody. [cheers and applause] For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Los Angeles map and condoms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A federal appeals court has upheld the new law requiring porn actors to wear condoms. Supporters of the law say that the decision feels good, just not, you know, as good.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a robot hand at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The number of robots in the workplace has steadily increased in the past few years, including a machine that administers sedatives. The ‘machine is called ‘Cosby-tron 5000.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rio De Janeiro’s beach.]

Colin Jost: Scientists have found a drug resistance super bacteria in the waters where Rio De Janeiro’s Olympic sailing event will be held. The super bacteria is more commonly known as Kid Rock.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of ‘SERIAL’ podcast logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, the popular NPR podcast serial finished it’s twelveth episode run. For much more on this story, talk to white people.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of 9 candles stand at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday night marked the first night of Hanukkah, the Jewish celebration of how one word miraculously stretched into eight different spellings.

[Picture changes to Kathie Lee Gifford and Bill Cosby]

Kathie Lee Gifford revealed this week that in the late 1970s, while performing as a back up singer for Bill Cosby comedy tour, the comedian kissed her but she rejected him. More shockingly, that means she also rejected a glass of wine. Also, what the hell is a back up singer for Bill Cosby?

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of baseball cards piled up at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The creator of the modern baseball card died this week at the age of 91, when his mother threw them away without even asking.

[Picture changes to Bubba Watson]

Golfer Bubba Watson has released the Christmas rap featuring his character Bubba Claus. You can find it on the new compilation, [Picture changes to Colin Jost with his thumbs up] “Now that’s what Jost calls music.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Elton John and David Furnish.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that later this month, Elton John will marry his long time partner David Furnish. So, sorry ladies.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost and here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of US and Cuban flag.]

President Obama announced this week that the US will restore diplomatic relations with Cuba after more than 50 years. Which is great news for Cuba’s Chief Export, [Picture changes to Cubans crossing the border on a boat.] Cubans.

[Picture changes to a cover photo of movie “The Interview”.]

After threats from terrorists and a massive hack by the North Korean government, Sony Pictures has pulled the movie ‘The Interview’ from theaters. So, for the first time ever, [Picture changes to Seth Rogan’s high face.] a stoner was right to feel paranoid.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cover photo of movie “The Interview”]

Michael Che: This week, Sony Pictures announced that it would not release the movie ‘The Interview’, drawing criticism for giving it to terrorist threats. Because studios of course are only supposed to give end to the threats of the actors… and directors… and producers and agents and focus groups and bloggers, theater chains, conservative groups, liberal groups and anyone with a damn twitter account.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag and FBI logo]

The FBI has confirmed that North Korea was behind the hacking of Sony Pictures. So, I want to take a moment to talk to North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un. Look, Kimberly, me and you, we’re not that different. We both take a lot of hit on the internet, we both love basketball and we both have black barbers apparently. And I get why you’re upset. You feel like the cool kids are making fun of you, but dying in a movie is a good thing. You know who else died in the movie? Bubba from Forest Gump. And his death influenced the chain of Shrimp restaurant. [Picture changes to a restaurant board that says, “Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.”] That could be you, man! That could be a 90 minute wait at Kim Jong-Un’s Times Square Grill. Which brings me to merchandising. And let me tell you something, Kimberly, your look would be a huge hit at lesbian weddings.

[Picture changes to Barack Obama]

In a new interview, President Obama said that there is no black man his age who hasn’t been mistaken for valet at a restaurant. “Oh, come on! That was one time,” said Joe Biden.

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tech companies Google and Apple have recently been criticized for their lack of diversity in the workforce. Here to talk about is our own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer Zamata: Wow. Colin, if you want evidence of Tech companies’ lack of diversity, just look at your phone. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] There are over 800 emojis available on Apple products, and not one of them is of a black person.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Wait a second, you’re saying there’s not one black emoji?

Sasheer Zamata: Not one. So, if I wanna refer to myself with an emoji, this is what I have to use. [A picture o black moon with a face emoji appears.]

Colin Jost: Like, a dark moon?

Sasheer Zamata: Um-hmm. Yeah, that’s the closest thing they have. It looks like a baby Charles Barkley. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] Unicode, the company that creates emojis thought that instead of one black person, we needed two different kinds of dragons, nine different cat faces, three generations of a white family and all the hands are white too. Even the black power fist is white. But on the plus side, they do have [A picture of a ghost emoji appears. He has one black eye.] KKK member that got punched in the face.

I have figured out how to convey other black experiences using emojis that we do have. So, take a look at this.

[car emoji + cop car emoji + torch light emoji = clock emoji, sad face emoji]

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Yeah, now what’s that?

Sasheer Zamata: Okay, Michael. What do you see?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s easy. You got pulled over, the cops are searching your car and you’re gonna be late.]

Sasheer Zamata: Exactly.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Yeah. And then I used this one to tell my friend that [dark moon emoji + car emoji, taxi emoji, blue car emoji, truck emoji, lorry emoji+ hourglass emoji, square emoji, mic speaker emoji + deaf monkey emoji, blind monkey emoji, mute monkey emoji] I stopped traffic in Time Square protesting the Grand Jury.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Got you. Yes, I gotta say, I really don’t like it when you use that dark moon.

Sasheer Zamata: That’s all I got. And my friend responded with [cop emoji + crying emoji + smoke emoji = running emoji] if the police start using tear gas, run. And then I responded with this.[bowling emoji]

[Cut to Colin Jost, Sasheer Zamata and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Wait, you asked her to go bowling?

Sasheer Zamata: No, I was telling her that the police were question our friend DaQuan.

Michael Che: Yes, you see those three white pins are the cops. And that ball is DaQuan. DaQuan is big.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah. Here’s the actual photo of what DaQuan looked like at the time.

[Cut to a picture of bald Kenan taking a selfie  and there are three white cops behind him. And there is the bowling emoji at left side of the picture. It looks simiar.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Sasheer Zamata]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s DaQuan. SaSheer Zamata, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Jacob The Bar Mitzvah Boy on Hanukkah Origins

Michael Che

Colin Jost

Jacob… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che on his set]

Michael Che: This Tuesday will mark the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Here to explain some Hanukkah traditions is my new podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: Here, Michael. My dad said to give you this ointment as a token of appreciation for your business.

Michael Che: Oh, thank you. And it’s great to meet you, Jacob. Are you excited about Hanukkah?

[Michael Che silently opens his book]

Jacob: [clears his throat] The Jewish holiday of Hanukkah commemorates the miraculous victory of the Maccabees in ancient times.

Michael Che: So, you’re just gonna launch right into it, huh? Okay, that’s cool.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: In 165 BCE, they defeated the evil King Antiochus. He was very mean. But not as mean as my Spanish tutor, Mr. Freeburgh. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jacob, you seem a little nervous. You don’t have to do a rehearsed speech like at your bar mid school. We can just talk like buddies.

[Jacob smiles at Michael Che]

Jacob: Each night at Hanukkah [cut to Jacob] we light a candle and say a prayer. The prayer for the bread, the prayer for the wine, oh, and a prayer that YouTube finally disabled the comments on the rock music video I made with my cousins. But you’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I think you might already have already used that one. Um, do you really have a lawyer, Jacob?

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: In conclusion…

Michael Che: Okay, back to the book. I got it.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank my aunt Betty and uncle Richard for making the shlop out from New Jersey. Also, thank you to cousin Barbara for your beautiful Koogle. And thank you to the wonderful bar mitzvah dancers, tornado in sky who walked my bobby onto the dance floor and prompted her adlip the joke, a girl could used to this.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s pretty nice, Jacob.

[Jacob smiles looking at Michael Che and turns the page.]

Jacob: And lastly…

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: I want to thank Derek Jeter for his years of service to the New York Yankees.

[Cut to Jacob and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That is very sweet, Jacob. You know, you’re a real cool kid. How about a high-five?

[Jacob high-fives Michael Che]

bar mitzvah boy, Jacob, everyone!

[cheers and applause]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Queens map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new guide book list a best tourist destination in the country as Queens, New York. This, according to a recent misprint.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of students at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, teenage boys are just as vicious as teenage girls, when it comes to rumors and making nasty comments. The study was conduct by my high school yearbook photo.

[Picture changes to German Airline Lufthansa]

German airline Lufthansa has announced that it will accommodate passengers to the middle east by allowing people in first class to bring falcons on the plane. So, now the two animals you can bring with you on planes are falcons and small dogs. [Picture changes to a falcon preying on small dog.]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There is a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a White House technology event, vice president Joe Biden told the group of girls writing computer code that they were as smart as any boy in the world. And then he turned around and walked directly into a sliding glass door.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of McDonald’s at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s has released a video online to prove the chicken McNuggets are made out of real chicken. And not as the taste suggests, pigeons that committed suicide.

[Picture changes to a lottery ticket.]

A convicted sex offender has won more than $2 million in the state lottery. At which point he shouted, “I’m going 200 feet from Disney World.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Rick Perry.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Texas governor Rick Perry said that running for the presidency is not an IQ test. [Picture changes to George Bush] Of course its not a IQ test. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton] And it’s also not a lie detector test. [Picture changes to Richard Nixon] Or an ethics test. [picture changes to Franklin D. Roosevelt] or a footrace.

[Picture changes to Cuba Gooding Jr. and OJ Simpson]

Cuba Gooding Jr. has been cast as OJ Simpson in a new mini series about the football player’s murder trial. Gooding is still best known, of course, for his famous catch phrase, “I need the work, man!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Prince William and Kate Middleton at left top corner.]

Prince William and Kate Middleton visited New York city this week. While they were here, they saw the Brooklyn Nets play against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. LeBron finished with 18 points, four rebounds [Picture changes to Prince William and Kate Middleton and LeBron James. LeBron has his hand on Kate’s shoulder while Prince William is looking away] and one steal.

[Picture changes to CIA logo and a file.]

The senate this week released a report on the CIA’s harsh interrogation methods which included details such as the rectal feeding a pure aid hummus, pasta, nuts and raisins. Actually, I don’t know if that was from the torture report or it was just a cleanse I read about on goop.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Dick Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dick Cheney criticized the senate report on CIA interrogation methods as “A bunch of hooey”. Cheney also complained that the report’s description of torture “bare got me hard.”

[Picture changes to a jail]

The senate report shows that the CIA paid two psychologists $80 million to design the torture program. $80 million? Were they waterboarding with [Picture changes to a bottle of Palleogrino] Palleogrino? Also you don’t have to use torture to get people to admit stuff. Just get them really drunk and log them into facebook. It worked on my ex, that’s how I found out my son’s real father was Denver Nuggets. Hey, but I still love you little [Picture changes to JaVale McGee’s face on baby’s body] JaVale McGee Jr.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sony PlayStation on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sony was hit by another cyber attack this week, which took it’s PlayStation network offline for hours. Giving gamers a chance to finally go outside and get some fresh weed.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of oil barrels on right top corner.]

Michael Che: For the first time in five years, the price of oil fell below $60 a barrel, which is so low that it also a pretty good deal on barrels.

Weekend Update Anthony Crispino

Michael Che

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Well, there’s been a lot of news in the news this week. But here to tell us the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondent, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony Crispino slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Crispino: Hey. Oh! How you dong, there Mikey. Hey, congrats on the new gig, man. Very nice.

Michael Che: Ah, thanks man.

Anthony Crispino: Ay, come on, man! Be humble. People are watching. What are you doing? Come on.

[Anthony Crispino is looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Alright. Anthony, so– Anthony, so what’s in the news this week?

Anthony Crispino: Uh, you heard about this thing? You know, it’s Christmas time. They had a tree lighting hosted by the Rock and old Yellow. Yeap!

Michael Che: No, it was at Rockefeller Center.

Anthony Crispino: Um, I’m pretty sure it was it was the Rock and old Yellow who hosted it. You know? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] It was a huge event. You know? There was a big musical performance by Drew Carrey.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: No, it was Mariah Carey.

Anthony Crispino: Um, sounded more like Drew Carrey. You know? Coz, he messed up and forgot who’s line it was anyway. So…

[Anthony Crispino is still looking here and there.]

Michael Che: Okay. And where did you hear that?

Anthony Crispino: Where did I hear that? I heard it from the owner of my local tanning saloon, Lawrence Fleshburn. Yeap, that’s the guy who told me.

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. But Lawrence Fleshburn was mistaken.

Anthony Crispino: Okay. Alright. Lawrence Fleshburn, whole different guy. Not a good guy but, um–

Michael Che: But, I don’t think either one of them said it.

Anthony Crispino: No, not either one of them. But, you hear about this thing? The space prostitutes?

Michael Che: What?
Anthony Crispino: Yeah! Star-whores. They lock themselves n a trailer and they said they won’t come out for a year. Yeah!

Michael Che: It was a Star Wars trailer. The movie comes out in a year.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: I agree to disagree, huh. You know, but, um.. you heard about this guy from the Jefferson Shermon Holmsley? Yeah, People magazine voted him the sexiest man yet alive. Yeap. [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] He’s moving on up that guy.

Michael Che: Chris Hemsworth was voted sexiest man alive. Anthony, where did you hear any of that?

[Cut to Anthony Crispino]

Anthony Crispino: Um, from my elderly salsa dealer, old Mel Paso.  [Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che] That’s who told me.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, I think he was misinformed.

Anthony Crispino: Okay, alright.

Michael Che: Anything else, Anthony?

Anthony Crispino: Um, well, I’m afraid. You know, I got some upsetting news for the fans of a very beloved fatherly figure. Bing Crosby.

Michael Che: Oh no.

Anthony Crispino: Yeah. I know. It turns out he’s a rap artist or rap-ist as the kids say today.

Michael Che: No.

Anthony Crispino: No. Turns out he’s been rapping for years.

Michael Che: No, no, no, no.

Anthony Crispino: No? [Cut to Anthony Crispino] That’s what Bing Crosby did when they asked him about him. He just shook his head no.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m not even gonna touch that one.

Anthony Crispino: Hey, hey, Bing Crosby would. So…

[Anthony Crispino is looking away]

Michael Che: Anthony. It’s Bill Cosby.

Anthony Crispino: Um, pretty sure it’s Bing Crosby, though there Mike.

Michael Che: But it’s not.

Anthony Crispino: Ummmm, I’m pretty sure.

Michael Che: No!

Anthony Crispino: Ummmmmmmm, pretty sure!

Michael Che: No!

[Cut to Anthony Crispino. Anthony Crispino makes some kind of noise, then coughs.]

Anthony Crispino: Excuse me. I swallowed a chipmunk on my way here this morning.

[Cut to Anthony Crispino and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Anthony Crispino, everyone!

Anthony Crispino: Hey, keep doing the good stuff.