Tag: Michael Che

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Mitt Romney announced Friday that he would not be running in the 2016  presidential race. [audience applaud] To which republicans responded, [in soft voice] “No, please, no. Okay.”

[Picture changes to Raul Castro]

Cuban’s Raul Castro has demanded that if the US wants to restore full diplomatic relations, it must return control of Guantanamo bay to Cuba. And I’m guessing, we’re not getting back [Picture changes to people held in prison.] our security deposit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia flag.]

Michael Che: President Obama defended the need for the US to maintain a closer lines with Saudi Arabia despite the country’s poor human rights record. But I get what Obama’s doing. You see, oil is our drug and Saudi Arabia is our dealer. And you can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer. Coz I mean, like most drug dealers, Saudi Arabia is a little sketchy and he has some strange opinions on politics and women, but you listen to him anyway. And you should, coz he’s got that loud sticky icky oil. It ain’t easy to find.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has filed paperwork to form a political action committee which is step one, toward a possible presidential campaign. However, Christie maintains as step zero on his fitbit.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was noted this week that the acronym for Chris Christie’s new political action committee, LeadershipMattersForAmerica.Org spells out the internet slang, LMFAO. Not to be confused with Joe Biden’s slogan, [Picture changes to Joe Biden with his slogan acronym ‘DTF’] Deliver The future.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl]

During the Super Bowl on Sunday, the NFL will show it’s first anti-domestic violence PSA. Hey, that’s smart. Show at the one time NFL players can’t watch it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Benedict Cumberbatch apologize for comments he made during an interview in which he referred to black actors as colored. In fairness, the interview was with ‘Just Between You and Me’ magazine.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of USA map and bed bugs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to an annual ranking by Orkin Pest Control, the places in America with the worst bed bug problems Chicago, Detroit and your mama.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of replay sign at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The inventor of the instant replay died this week at the age of 81. Let’s see that again.

[Cut to the instant replay of what Colin just said in slow motion. He then gets hit by a football.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ireland flag and LGBTQ rainbow colors at left top corner.]

Ireland’s minister of health this week announced that he is gay. Becoming the first openly gay government figure in Irish history. Of course in Ireland, gay just means you have less than eight kids.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of cake being decorated at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The owner of a bakery was sued after she refused the customers request to write “God hates homosexuality” on a cake. “Alright, then change it to ‘I’m running for President'” said Rick Santorum. [Picture changes to Rick Santorum.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Johnny Depp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Johnny Depp this week criticized actors who become musicians saying the whole idea makes him sick. Depp believes that only other thing an actor should become is [Picture changes to Johnny Depp’s picture where he is wearing a lot of scarfs] a french scarf monster.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with 1. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: It was announced that Pope Francis will visit New York city in September and hold a mass in Madison Square Garden. Because the pope always tries to go where [Picture changes to New York Knicks logo] people are suffering the most.

[Cut to 2. there’s a picture of Saudi Arabia flag at right top corner.[

Speaker 2: King Abdul of Saudi Arabia died this week at the age of 90 after he was run over by a terrible woman driver.

[Picture changes to Nicholas Cage and Osama Bin Laden.]

Riblet everybody!

It was announced this week that Nicholas Cage will star in a movie about irregular guy who goes on a hunt for Osama Bin Laden. It’s called, “The Nicholas Cage Story.”

[Cut to 1. There’s a picture of calendar marking January twentyfirst at left top corner.]

Speaker 1: This Wednesday was National Hug Day. Dad?

[Picture changes to doctor’s apron and stethoscope.]

A teenage in Florida has been caught posing as a gynecologist for over a month. Patients became suspicious when he began every appointment by asking, “Where is it?”

[Cut to 2. There is a picture of handcuffed hands at top right corner.]

Speaker 2: a New Hampshire man was arrested for child endangerment after he left his twin nine year old nephews home alone for days at a time. Said the twin, “We used to be triplets.”

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

This week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union address and showed us what it looks like when a patriot comes to play with fully inflated balls.

[Picture changes the Obama’s speech]

After republicans during the State of the Union applauded when President Obama said he had no more campaigns run, Obama responded saying, “I know, because I won both of them.” Obama’s comeback was so good, that it literally burned [Picture changes to John Banner who is very red.] John Banner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a football at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The NFL is investigating claims that the New England Patriots deflated game balls before the AFC championship win. Man, that Bill Belichick [Picture changes to Bill Belichick wearing hoodie with no sleeves.] always has a trick of his no sleeves.

The Patriots of course denied the cheating accusations saying the only deflated balls they have are because of steroids. Not cheating.

[Picture changes to

The secret service reported that shots were fired from a car’s speeding pass Vice-President Joe Biden’s Delaware home. So far, police hhave only one suspect.

[Picture changes to a paper with “Hillary 2016” written on it.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. Thre’s a picture of Benjamin Netanyahu]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that the Obama administration is extremely upset that Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu plans to ask congress for addition sanctions against Iran. Saying that he will “Pay a price”, which brings the number of countries that have threatened Israel up to an even… [Picture changes to world map] all of them.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a Duke University at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After receiving complaints from Christian Leaders, Duke University has canceled plans for Muslim students to use the school’s iconic Chapel tower for sounding the traditional Islamic call to prayer. But apparently the Christian leaders are totally cool that Duke’s mascot is the Devi.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Idina Menzel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl. Then she’ll sing ‘Let it go’ as the tribute to the NFL’s domestic violence policy.

[Picture changes to a picture of marijuana]

A new survey shows that the state with the most marijuana use is Rhode Island, which explains Rhode Island’s official state moto, “but if it’s an island, where does the road go?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police arrested a man who set his bicycle down at an intersection, dropped his pants and started dancing. Which as far as I know might be what crossfit is.

[Picture changes to Chinese flag and a knife.]

A woman in China was arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis. Then later went to the hospital where it had been reattached and cut it off a second time. You see, that kind of work ethic is exactly why China is beating the US. But seriously, I’ve been in a lot of bad breakups before. And I bet what actually hurt that guy, like, more than anything was getting his penis cut off twice.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of HSN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The creator of the Home Shopping Network died this week at the age of 79. [Picture changes to the company offer.] Order just 4 easy installments of $19.99.

[Picture changes to a marijuana spray]

A new marijuana spray called Foria will go on sale next week and promises to help women have better sex. This according to Foria CEO, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby wearing a Mexican hat.] Will Wosby.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of 3 rhinos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 3 rhinos at a zoo in Israel escaped after a guard fell asleep. [Picture changes to a cover photo of the movie Zookeeper Michael Che: Rhino Escape.] starring Kevin James.

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Supreme Court and a gavel at left top corner.]

The Supreme Court announced that in June, they will decide once and for all whether same sex marriage is constitutional. Which leaves opponents just 6 months to break in, steal the constitution and change it to “We the Peple: No Homo.”

[Picture changes to Mitt Romney]

Mitt Romney is reportedly considering running for president in 2016. In a related story, Charlie Brown is planning on finally kicking that football. [Picture changes to a cartoon trying to kick the football]

When Romney told the news to a group of donors, they started chanting, “Run, Mitt, run.” Incidentally, RUN MITT is also how you boot up Romney’s operating system.

[Picture changes to Chris Christie]

Governor Chris Christie this week gave New Jersey state of the state address. Which is just like the state of the union address, only every sentence ends with, “But you didn’t hear that from me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pope Francis this week criticized the magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’ by saying, “You can’t make a toy out of religions.” And then he put on his giant hat, grabbed his wand and went back to his golden castle.

[Picture changes to Al Sharpton]

Al Sharpton has called for an emergency meeting of his diversity task force after no actors of color received Oscar nomination. As a side note, I gotta say, the Al Sharpton diversity task force sounds like a kick ass Saturday morning cartoon. I mean, what can I say? I can’t tell you who deserve to be nominated. I mean, of all the movies, Selma is the only one I even pretended to see. But I understand frustrations of minorities. An Oscar nomination can lead to so many opportunities for the black actors. Great future roles like, Snow Dogs. Or, Cat Woman. Or maybe even a WeightWatchers commercial. It’s a real thing. And I get that it’s hard to pronounce a lot of these names, but that’s what makes an award show so fun. I mean, just imagine John Travolta as he introduces the wickedly talented [picture changes to David Oyelowo] Davido Alajuwan.