Tag: Michael Che

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jordan.]

Michael Che: Still scares the hell out of me. This year, Michael Jordan was added to Forbes magazine’s list of billionaires. Forbes also added Scotty Pittman to their list of people who sell [Picture changes to Scott Pittman showing the Forbes magazine] Forbes Magazine.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Justin Bieber on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old but his mustache thinks he turned 13.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Potential republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice because many people go to prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay. Kind of like how in that last sentence, Dr. Carson went in as a neurosurgeon and came out as a complete idiot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice. Carson made the comments to himself over and over in the men’s locker room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Dr. Ben Carson, a candidate for president said that homosexuality is a choice. Unfortunately for him, so are elections.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sorry. I guess we were piling on a little bit there.

Michael Che: A little bit.

Colin Jost: This just ends. Dr. Ben Carson, [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson] a candidate for president is no longer candidate for president.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana and cop car at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctor– No, I’m just kidding. [audience laughing] Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug in his car inside a container that was marked, “Not weed”. It was marked “Not weed”. The police pulled him in over after he sped by their car which was also marked “Not police”. [Picture changes to a car that looks exactly like a cop car but it has ‘Not Police’ written on it.]

[Picture changes to a bottle.]

Scientists have discovered a 170 years old beer in a shipwreck off the coast of Finland, opened two of the bottles and drank them. At which point they made another discovery, they’re both alcoholics.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paxil medicine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a new study, the anti-depressant Paxil may also be capable of treating heart disease. Which explains Paxil’s new slogan, “Paxil, maybe this is what it does?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a little boy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, about fifteen% of two year olds in Boston drink as much as four ounces of coffee a day. But Boston kids need that coffee to help them get through their hangovers.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: You know, I like that joke. I feel like you get all the fun jokes.

Michael Che: Oh, stop it.

Colin Jost: No, I’m serious. Sometimes I wish I could do your jokes instead.

Michael Che: Alright. You can take my next one if you want to.

Colin Jost: You sure? You don’t mind?

Michael Che: I don’t care.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a scale at left top corner.]

A new report reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 36 inches.

Michael Che: Wait a minute.

Colin Jost: 3.6. I never saw this before. 3.6, that’s more reasonable. [audience laughing] A guy can dream.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: See? My jokes are harder to read. [laughing]

Colin Jost: And, let me just say, as a man with extremely small penis– okay.

Michael Che: No, no. Keep going, keep going.

Colin Jost: I feel very bad for myself and my tinsy winsy peensy.

[Michael Che laughing hard]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That was great job, man.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks man. I don’t even understand. How is that even a joke?

Michael Che: Well, its a joke when I read it because I don’t have a tiny penis.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s 36 inches.

Michael Che: It was. [Michael Che laughing hard.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that New York city rats contain flees that are capable of transmitting bubonic plague. It’s a rare black eye for the otherwise sterling reputation of the flees of New York city rats.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Department of Justice logo at right top corner.]

According to a Justice Department report on Ferguson police, African American’s make up 93% of all arrest in the city. 93%? That is high. It’s only 92% in Nigeria. 93% means, if 92 people get arrested in Ferguson, 9 of them are black and one of them is kind of beige. I wanna know what did the 7% of white people get arrested for? What was it? Not arresting enough black people?

The review found that 88% of the cases involving the use of force were against African Americans. Black residents say they found the police report almost as shocking as they found the police tasers.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Hillary Clinton tweeted this week that she has asked the State Department to release all of her emails from her years as Secretary of State. No word yet on the identity of the lucky individual who has to read through 50,000 emails from a grandma. I’m just excited because based on the emails I get from my grandma, there’s gonna be some pretty interesting stuff about Obama.

[Picture changes to an email where subject is as “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: KENYAN:”.]

[Picture changes to Benjamin Netanyahu]

This week, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu came to address congress about the threat from Iran. And he left as the front runner for the 2016 republican nomination.

[Picture changes to an airplane]

A Delta airplane skidded off a snowy runway while landing at New York’s Laguardia airport slamming through a fence and almost falling into the bay. But the good news is, [Picture changes to a pilot with a glass of whiskey] the pilot didn’t even spill his drink. Afterwards, passengers were safely removed from the airplane, at which point Delta charged them $45 crash survival fee.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The artist who painted Bill Clinton’s official portrait revealed that he painted a shadow in the shape of the dress to represent affairs with Monica Lewinsky. Also, it’s suttle, but if you look very closely at the painting, you can see that Clinton is not wearing pants.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a map picture of Ohio and a glass of water at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At this year’s international water tasting contest, Hamilton, Ohio won for having the best tasting water. While the town with the worst tasting water is Dookieville, Illinois.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Pennsylvania college student has made a fully functional Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes and baseball bats. He’s just like the real Batman, except his parents only wish they were dead.

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That si good.

[Picture changes to a file of research]

Colin Jost: New research suggest that people with attention deficit disorder are twice as likely to die at a younger age. Boring! On to the next story! Ow, my chest hurts!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a marijuana and paints at right top corner.]

Michael Che: So dumb! A new art class is being offered in Colorado which people openly smoke marijuana and paint. The class is called ‘Every Art Class’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Seattle and an egg on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in Seattle say a woman was knocked unconscious after she was hit by an egg thrown from a car that sped away. So, she never even heard the driver’s warning to [Picture changes to a rooster driving a car] stay out of chicken town.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There is a picture of Chris Brown at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Chris Brown was forced to cancel upcoming concerts in Montreal and Toronto after being denied entry in Canada. But, hey, Chris, don’t beat yourself up over this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pope Francis and a Mexican flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mexican officials are upset with Pope Francis after he said he was concerned about the increased drug trafficking in his native Argentina, calling it Mexicanization. Pope Francis later apologized calling his comment “As dumb as a Guatemalan.”

[Picture changes to two Llamas]

Authorities in Arizona spent nearly two hours chasing a pair of Llamas through the streets after they escaped from a petting zoo. But thankfully, this story has a happy ending. No one was hurt and Llamas were safely returned to their prison of unwanted touching.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Alex Rodriguez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alex Rodriguez reported to Yankeez spring training this week after completing his 162 game suspension. “You know, it feels good to be back at work”, said A Rod’s steroid dealer.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Middle East map at left top corner.]

This week, ISIS, destroyed priceless artwork in Mosul, recruited even more teenagers and delivered a devastating psychological attack that made us question everything we believe in.

[Picture changes to a viral blue and black dress that many people thought was white and gold.]

Is it white and gold? It’s white and gold, right? Look at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Che, what do you think?

Michael Che: I don’t care, man! At all.

Colin Jost: I mean, it’s crazy. I mean, have you ever seen two groups of people look at the exact same image and have two totally different opinions about it?

Michael Che: Yeah, I remember one time.

[Cut to a picture of Barack Obama looking fair.]

Hey, what color is that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a speech this week Hilary Clinton stressed the need for compromise in Washington. Saying she hopes to lead the country into “A warm purple space.” Which is the same line Grimace uses to get you into his [Picture changes to a cartoon Grimace and a delivery van] windowless van.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Obama this week vetoed the Keystone XL pipeline which was only the third veto he has issued as president. The used the other two to shut down proposed extensions of [Picture changes to Joe Biden smiling under blanket fort] Joe Biden’s White House Blanket Fort.

[Picture changes to Islamic flag and two teenage girls]

British authorities are saying there is a disturbing trend of upper class teenage girls running away from home to join ISIS. Damn, first Brooklyn, now ISIS. Rich girls with gentrify anything. ISIS is only a Trader Joe’s away from being the first terror group dismantled by a rent increase. Though, I am looking forward to the inevitable new face of ISIS, [Picture changes to Iggy Aalea wearing hijab. Her name is written as ‘Iggy Al-Zalea’ in the banner behind her] ‘Iggy Al-Zalea. Showing all the Grammy’s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a new interview, Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in twentysixteen. “Great”, said his interviewer. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at the cash counter of grocery store.] “But my question was, paper or plastic?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, marijuana is the safest recreational drug people can use. “Huh, interesting”, said a million black dudes in jail for marijuana.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a dog on a weighing machine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that half of the dogs in the US are overweight. Which explains why the most popular breed in America is the type type 2 dia-beagle.

[Picture changes to a calendar of the month February.]

It’s February which means it’s black history month. A time when post offices release special stamps as a tribute to great people of color. Famous black heroes like Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, [Picture changes to Panthro comic character] Panthro, etc. etc. But this year, I’d like to see stamps of lesser known black heroes that history books may have forgotten. I mean we all know Thurgood Marshall, the first black member of the Supreme Court. But do you know PJ Morton? The first black member of Maroon 5? He could use a stamp. There’s a stamp for Crispus Attucks, the first American to die in revolutionary war. But what about the stamp for Crispus Attucks’s mother? The first black woman to name her son Chrispus!

Of course we all know Jackie Robinson, the first African American in major league baseball. But do you know Johnny Keys, the first black man in interracial porno? I know what you’re thinking, but could you imagine what Johnny Keys had to go through in those days? I mean, Jackie Robinson got death threats and he was just playing baseball with white people. Johnny Keys should be on every stamp. And while we’re giving out stamps, how about Maury Povich? I know he is white. But he has brought more black families together than anyone I can think of. [There’s a picture of Maury Povich’s TV show] And he set more black men free than Abraham Lincoln himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sam smith and Tom Petty at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Sam Smith has agreed to pay Tom Petty royalties for his hit song ‘Stay With Me’ due to it’s resemblance to Petty’s song ‘I won’t back down’. While Petty has agreed to pay royalties to Disney due to his resemblance to [Picture changes to Tom Petty and cartoon Jiminy Cricket] Jiminy Cricket.

[Picture changes to Disney cartoon]

Disney this week unveiled Elena, it’s first Latina princess. Oh, sure, but when I call someone a Latina princess, I’m “ruining the quinceanera”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a Court and a bat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: How many quinceanera are you going to, man? People fled a courtroom in Arkansas after more than 30 bats flew inside during the trial. “Uh, that doesn’t not look good for me”, said the woman on trial for witchcraft.

[Picture changes to Hershey’s milk chocolate]

The Hershey company has announced that it has purchased Krave Pure Foods which makes beef jerky. Hershey made the purchase while drunk at a gas station.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A cat who was buried by it’s owner after it was hit by a car dug it’s way out of the grave and returned to it’s owner five days later. That story again, a lady found a cat that looked like her old cat.