Tag: Michael Che

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on The Walking Dead Season Finale (ft. Norman Reedus)

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Norman Reedus

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Over a 15 million people tuned in to the hit zombie drama, The Walking Dead this past Sunday. Here to give us a spoiler free recap of that big season 5 finale is our own resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: How is it going, Pete? So, now, what did you think of this big Walking Dead finale?

Pete Davidson: It scared me, Colin. It scared me bad. I’m kind of like freaking out right now.

Colin Jost: You are? Well, just take it easy. I mean, it’s just a show.

Pete Davidson: Is it? Or is it a glimpse of our near future? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes I smoke a little weed.

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah, yeah. We know. Because we have noses.

Pete Davidson: Ah! Then you see my problem. [Cut to Pete Davidson] The zombie apocalypse is coming and odds are I’m gonna be stoned when it happens. Especially if it happens during the hours of day time or night time. So, this is not gonna go well. First off, it will probably take me hours… for me to even notice what’s going on. I’ll be like, “Wow. Ms. Kar Michael from downstairs can’t keep her hands off me today. But hold up. Isn’t she like, 88? And hold up, didn’t she like used to have a jaw? And hey, remember jawbreakers? I love that candy. Candy, sugary sweet.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson an Colin Jost. Colin Jost is clueless.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And then what happens?

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. That’s the problem. I’ll probably be wandering around in search of candy and I’ll stagger in to like, some survivor’s camp, and then they’re gonna shoot me, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, they’re not gonna shoot you.

Pete Davidson: When I’m high, it’s really easy to mistake me for a zombie, you know? [Cut to Pete Davidson] My eyes are glazed and bloodshot. I’m sluggish. I’m hunched over and shuffling coz that’s how I walk normally.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know Pete, if you’re that worried about it, you could always just stop smoking pot.

Pete Davidson: I came to you for help, Colin. Alright? There’s a zombie apocalypse going on and you’re being a real ass.

Colin Jost: Well, I think you’re being kind of paranoid. And honestly, I have to ask, did you smoke a little before you came out here? Is that what happened?

Pete Davidson: [smiles] Maybe! Are you wearing three different kinds of hair product?

Colin Jost: Maybe. Listen, there’s nothing to worry about Pete. Okay? I’m sure you would never be mistaken for a zombie.

[Pete Davidson turns towards Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: Really? You sure?

Colin Jost: Yes, sure. I’m positive.

Pete Davidson: Coz I’m like, really worried about it. I hope not–

Colin Jost: Absolutely. I think you’re totally fine.

[Pete Davidson gets shot by an arrow.]

Pete Davidson: Ouch!

[Norman Reedus walks in]

Norman Reedus: Don’t worry, don’t worry! [talking to Colin] You gotta be careful buddy, he was about to go for your throat.

Colin Jost: No, no, no. Daryl Dixon, he’s not a zombie.

Norman Reedus: Really?

Colin Jost: Ya.

Norman Reedus: What about this complexion? Ain’t no living thing got that color. And he’s so slow moving. I’m confused.

Pete Davidson: It’s just good weed, man!

Norman Reedus: So, wait a minute. You telling me I just shot an ordinary person?

Colin Jost: Ya!

Norman Reedus: Huh! What about that dude in the elevator?

Colin Jost: Where in the elevator?

Norman Reedus: Never mind.

Pete Davidson: I’d just like to point out that there’s an arrow in my chest. And I feel no pain coz this weed is fire!

Norman Reedus: You’re gonna be fine, buddy! Come on, walk it off.

Pete Davidson: Ay, you’re the dude from The Boondock Saints!

Norman Reedus: And you’re the dude who’s gonna show me where that weed is. Come on!

Colin Jost: Yeah! Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus, everyone!

[Pete Davidson and Norman Reedus leave]

Weekend Update Jebidiah Atkinson Reviews Television Shows

Michael Che

Jebidia Atkinson… Taran Killam

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New seasons of the critically acclaimed series Mad Men and the Game of Thrones will begin soon. And many are saying we are in a golden age of television. Here with his reviews of some of these hit shows is a man who has been around longer than TV itself, 1860s newspaper critic, Jebidia Atkinson.

[Jebidia Atkinson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jebidia Atkinson: Thank you Michael, for that [sarcastically] enthusiastic introduction. So good to be back.

Michael Che: So, Jebidia, have you been keeping up with all these big TV shows?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I have, Michael. And as always, you’ll find my reviews to be perfectly moderate and totally rational.

Michael Che: You know, I was worried about that.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

Jebidia Atkinson: [clears throat] [yellng] All TV is excument. Mad Men, the most likeable character in this show is cigarettes. Hey AMC, if I wanted to know what life is like in the 1960s, I’d move to Indiana. Oh! I’ve been around a long time, it’s never been a great state.

Game of Thrones, oh great! A softcore porn with 100 hours of back story. At least in porn, you know how it’s gonna finish. Oh, and George R. R. Martin, you better hurry up and write those books, because from the look of you, winter is coming.

And House of Cards. The only thing lazier than the writing is Kevin Spacey’s attempt to solve the accent. Uh! And when he makes those turns to camera, I haven’t witnesses shots that jarring since the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, Jebidia. You were at the even that started World War I?

Jebidia Atkinson: Of course I was, Michael. But I prefer the sequel.

Michael Che: Come on! Jebi–

Jebidia Atkinson: Oh, what? World War II wasn’t a better war?

Michael Che: That’s pretty harsh, man! There must be some shows that you do like.

Jebidia Atkinson: [yelling] I haven’t liked any television ever! [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] It’s been 80 years of mind-poisoning rrrefuse, and I’ve rrrrreviewed it all! Herrrrre. Refuse from the archives.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m listening.

Jebidia Atkinson: Thanks. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] I want your full attention, Michael. The West Wing, the best lines on that show are the ones that went up Sorkin’s nose. Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.]

Good distance on that one.

Cheers, where everybody knows your name, from the AA meetings. Next!

Oh, and Lost! Sure it started out good, but I haven’t seen a final season that bad since Joe Paterno’s.

Oh! Oh! Oh! If you don’t like that joke, just do as Joe did in “Turn A Blind Eye”.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Come on! You don’t like anything on TV? What about like a classic comedy? Like Seinfeld?

Jebidia Atkinson: Ah! Seinfeld. I’d rather watch Michael Richards do stand up at the Apollo. [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson] That’s right. I haven’t forgiven him yet. Hey Kramer, I can say an N word too… Next! [Jebidia Atkinson throws the flash card he has.] Keep that for souvenir.

Saturday Night Live. The same tired characters repeating the same tired catch phrases. Next!

The Honeymooners. A greedy depiction of a bus driver from the slums who abuses his wife. It’s a comedy? [Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che] And who is the genius who said, “Oh, this is great. Let’s turn it into a cartoon, set it in the stone age when women had it even harder time?”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

And now, we come to the worst television show of all time, I Love Lucy. But I don’t think I should do this joke after the audience rioted over the Paterno joke.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know what? I don’t think you should–

Jebidia Atkinson: [interrupting and yelling] Well, I’m going to, Michael! It’s my thing.

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson]

I Love Lucy. Hey, Lucy, you got some explaining to do like why you’d stay married to a man who rafted over from Cuba just to crush your dreams? They should have called this show, “I Love Lucy’s Ability To Get Me A Green Card.”

[Cut to Jebidia Atkinson and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Jebidia Atkinson, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Barbara Walters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: ABC is denying that Barbara Walters wants to replace Rosie O’Donnell with Monica Lewinsky on ‘The View’. Said an ABC spokesman, “We have not had contractual relations with that woman. Maybe an old remit, but that doesn’t count.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a shape-shifting metal at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers in China have developed shape-shifting liquid metal machines, while researchers here in the US have developed a breakfast sandwich with [Picture changes to a Taco Bell Hash Brow] the hash browns on the inside. So, good luck with your real life version of a dude from the Terminator, China! We’ll be here in America eating Tacos for breakfast.

[Picture changes to candies, flowers and a calendar marked on April-5]

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. So, to all you Christians out there, happy Easter. And to the Jews, nice try!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a kid smoking cigarette and Indonesian flag on right top corner.]

Michael Che: You just started a holy war. The parents of a 6 year old Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking say that he is cut down to 5 cigarettes a day. That’s very impressive considering how stressed he has been at the sneaker factory.

[Picture changes to a brothel house]

Nevada’s  fame Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel is searching for a quality control tester who will be paid to have sex with prostitutes and rate their performance. The prostitutes will be graded from a scale from “F” to “Don’t F”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a pregnant woman and Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman in Brooklyn gave birth in the back of an Uber car on the way to the hospital. This according to a zero-star review from the next passenger.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Hello everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]

President Obama announced that a deal has been reached with Iran on their nuclear program that would leave sanctions and prevent the country from making a nuclear weapon. Because nuclear weapon should only be enhanced of responsible nations like, Britain, or France, [Picture changes to Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless.] or a country run by a Bond villain. [Picture changes to Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman] Or Dennis Rodman’s booty call. [Picture changes to a map of China] Or these human enthusiasts. Or the one country that’s actually used them. [Picture changes to map of USA.] Ay, it was only twice! It’s important to know that this deal is not a treaty and won’t be put onto writing until June. But when it comes to preventing nuclear holocaust, the last thing I wanna hear is, [pointing to his head] Don’t worry. I got it all up here.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of USA flag and Israel flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There’s concern in Washington that the nuclear deal with Iran is gong to hurt relations between the US and Israel. But our relationship is going to be fine. The US and Israel is like buddy cops in an action movie. [Picture changes to a photo of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover from the movie Lethal Weapon.] We were forced to be partners. We have very different methods of keeping the peace, and we blow up a ton of stuff in the process. Oh yeah, [Picture changes to Danny Glover and Barack Obama] and one of us is getting too old for this. And yes, [Picture changes to Mel Gibson and Benjamin Netanyahi] I am aware that Benjamin Netanyahu would probably be pretty upset that in this analogy he is Mel Gibson. But he definitely wouldn’t be as upset as Mel Gibson.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

Despite Hillary Clinton’s claims that she used her personal email while Secretary of State to avoid carrying more than one device. A new report shows that she emailed with her iPad in addition to her Blackberry. Even more alarming, her email signature was “Sent fro my Benghazi cover up device.”

[Picture changes to Robert Menendez]

New Jersey senator Robert Menendez was indicted this week on federal corruption charges. It’s no surprise considering that a senator taking a bribe [Picture chnges to seal logo of State of New Jersey] is the New Jersey state seal.

[Cut to Michael Che. Thre’s a picture

Michael Che: For the first time in nearly 20 years, Tyga Woods is not ranked in the list of the top 100 golfers in the world. This according to a recent toast, “An all white country club.”

Weekend Update Willie is Excited for Spring

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s finally spring. And I for one, have not been in the best spirits. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, Willie.

[Willie slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Willie: Ay! Well, happy spring time, everybody! It’s my favorite season. Sun is out. The birds are chirping. It’s so nice, I wouldn’t sleep in doors even if I could.

Michael Che: Well, you have to sleep in doors? I mean outdoors?

Willie: I’ll get to it, Michael. Also, I have to. Coz it’s like they always say, “You gave your money to a conman, Willie.”

Michael Che: That’s not cheering me up, Willie. I’m sorry.

Willie: Oh, come on, Michael! Spring time is the best time. Easter will be here soon. [Cut to Willie] Reminds of me when I was a little boy looking for chocolate eggs around the house. I can still hear my grandma saying, “Get out that damn litter box, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh, come on! Little cat doukie can’t hurt you.

Michael Che: Yeah, man! It can.

Willie: But it’s baseball season, Michael!

Michael Che: What?

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Takes me back to when I was 6 years old. And my daddy took me down to Yankee stadium for my first ball game. I was so excited. He looked me and said, “Son, look at that in the field. That’s Micky Mantle. He’s sleeping with your mother and I’m gonna shoot him.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, man!

Willie: Oh, but that’s the point, Michael.

Michael Che: What is? How is that the point?

Willie: Spring is about new beginnings. A fresh start. Rebirth!

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know who loved spring? My old dog Lucias.

Michael Che: Oh no.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: I had let him off the lease and he just ran as far as he could. I can still hear his barking getting thinner and thinner as those wolves dragged him off into the woods. But it’s like they always say, “Wolves raped your dog again, Willie.”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, so none of these memories bum you out?

Willie: Well, I wouldn’t say that. Spring time does make me feel a little lonely. I do miss my wife.

Michael Che: Oh, I’m sorry, man.

Willie: It’s my own fault. [Cut to Willie] I bet she’d still be with me today if I had just listened when she said, “Hit the brakes, Willie!” But, you know what, Michael? It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to never wanna drag race.

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Hey, man! If you ever get too lonely, you can always call me.

[Cut to Willie crying]
Willie: Friendship is the most important thing in the world to me. Coz it’s like I always say, “There ain’t no god!”

[Cut to Willie and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: That’s me. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky on the Russian Economy

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Russian Ruble showed signs of bouncing back this week after a 15 month period economic strife brought on by International Sanctions. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is Olya-Olya, I’m starving.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you back Olya.

Olya: Thank you. It’s my pleasure. You know, ever since I have been on this SNL, I am like local celebrity in my village. Every where I go, I am hounded.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? You’re hounded? Right? By paparazzi?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No, no. By actual hounds. They chase me Colin. But don’t worry. I trick them by playing dead like this. [Olya poses like she’s dead.]

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’d be happy to be dead?

Olya: Oh, yes. Like all Russians, Colin, I have been planning my funeral since I was a little girl. [Cut to Olya] As I am buried, I will have them play the most popular funeral song in Russia. [Olya starts singing]

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Come on! Russia cannot be that awful.

Olya: Oh, yeah! You know district 12 in Hunger Games? It’s based on richest neighborhood in my village. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, you know what Fifty Shades of Grey is about? My teeth! Even Ebola would not come to Russia. It almost came and then it was like, “Not too easy.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know, Russia must be on some kind of financial upswing. This week they proposed building $1 trillion super highway from Siberia to Alaska.

Olya: Ricka-ricka-What? Russia is going to build $1 trillion road? Yeah, right! In your screams, Russia!

Colin Jost: No, no. I think you mean .in your dreams’.

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: What is dreams? Listen to me, Russia? We cannot build $1 trillion road. We have bigger fish to fry. Like, we have no fish to fry. We cannot spend this money because much like Kelly Rowland, we just don’t have it.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, Olya! That’s a pretty bad burn.

Olya: I have to burn people, Colin! For fun and for warmth.

Colin Jost: Well, I know it’s pretty cold here in New York city. You know, it’s tough, cold, raining.

Olya: Oh, Colin. You do not know cold. [Cut to Olya] I was born inside a frozen lake. My mother fell in and the shock of cold bopped me out. You know how babies cry when they first come out, Colin? Not me. I rolled my eyes, I said, “Well played, devil!” I have had frostbite ever since, Colin. This is why my toes are like One Direction, only four left. Also, mostly, hairy (Harry Styles).

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, now if Russia’s that bad, Olya, I gotta ask, why don’t you move to America?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Are you flirting with Olya? Is that a banana in your pocket? If that’s a banana in our pocket, please give me banana.

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatsky, everyone!

Olya: One banana. One!

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: George Zimmerman who shot Trayvon Martin spoke out for the first time saying that he blames President Obama for insighting racial tensions that erupted after the shooting. At least he thinks it was Obama. It was pretty dark at the time.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Instagram model at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to a recent memo, American Apparel wants to stop using what they call, “Instagram Hoes” for their ads and instead hire professional models. But good news, they’re still make them up to look like [picture changes to a picture of American Apparel ad where model looks scared] they’ve been kidnapped by a human trafficker. Coz when I see ads for American Apparel, I don’t wanna buy clothes. I wanna see those women rescued by Liam Neeson.

[Picture changes to a casket]

Officials in England reburied remains the King Richard III, after his bones were discovered underneath a parking lot three years ago. So, this time everyone remember he’s buried in [picture changes to a parking spot C8] C8.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks takeaway cup at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After only 6 days, Starbucks canceled the controversial campaign in which Baristas would write the slogan ‘Race Together’ on cups to spark conversations about race relations. I don’t know how did they think that was gonna work. I mean, were we supposed to talk about race like we talk about sports? Hey, Colin, how about those blacks, huh? Can’t catch a break, am I right?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, they’ve had a rough season. You know, I think the whites are gonna win it all again this year.

Michael Che: Ah! You’re a front runner. But you know who you really got to watch out for?

Colin Jost: The Mexicans, yeah!

Michael Che: I wasn’t gonna say that.

Colin Jost: Well–

Michael Che: [laughs] I was gonna say that.

Colin Jost: Oh!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of peanut butter at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A candy store in Los Angeles has created a 440 pound peanut butter cup. It’s called [Picture changes to a rapper CeeLo] CeeLo.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man napping on a couch.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that a 45 minute nap in the middle of the day can enhance a person’s memories. Memories like, “Oh, right! I’m an alcoholic.”

[Picture changes to ‘The Jinx’]

The finale of the HBO series ‘The Jinx’ aired last week about an alleged serial killer Robert Durst. And the series was great. But I was a little worried that the opening credits of the show might kind of glorify the idea about being a serial killer. I don’t know. Let’s take a quick look.

[Cut to the intro of the show where it’s showing assaults and dumping of dead bodies.]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

So, they showed a photo of the real woman who disappeared, a woman he probably murdered, and then the singer goes, “Whooo!” Just like, “Yay, murder!” I mean you might as well just use this music instead.

[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “This is how we do it.”]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Or, you know, if you really want to, just go for with this one.

[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “Oops I did it again.”]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun and a bottle of juice at left top corner.]

I love that song. Just love that song. Louisiana police arrested a man for shooting his 18 year old son during an argument over orange juice. It’s considered the second worst crime that OJ is responsible for.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Indiana state and LGBTQ rainbow color.]

The governor of Indiana has signed a new law allowing businesses to turn away gay and lesbian customers saying it’s their part of their religious freedom. You’ll be able to tell which stores are supporting the new law, because they’ll have these helpful little signs. [Picture changes to a sign that says, “Going out of business!”]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

The head of the house committee investigated the Benghazi attacks said Friday that Hillary Clinton wiped her personal email server clean, permanently deleting all her emails. So, at least one Clinton has learned how to wipe something clean.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colombian flag and a DEA badge.]

Michael Che: A new Justice Department report claims that the American DEA agents in Columbia participated in sex parties with prostitutes hired by drug cartels. In response to this incredibly irresponsible behavior, the agents have been promoted to Secret Service!

[Picture changes to Ted Cruz]

During senator Ted Cruz’s speech announcing his run for president, he repeatedly asked voters to imagine the country what it would look like with him as it’s leader. And he repeatedly asked voters to stop laughing. He was serious. He could win.

[Picture changes to Harry Reid]

Friday, senator Harry Reid said that he came to his decision to not run for re-election while he was recovering from his exercising accident. That’s right, an exercising accident. And definitely not roughed off by senate badass, [Picture changes to Mitch McConnell smoking wearing a leather jacket.] Mitch McConnell.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Dating in New York

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, dating is very complicated wherever you live. But specially here in New York city. Here to offer her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Woooo!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you Colin. Nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Very nice to have you back, Leslie. Now, tell us. Is it hard dating in New York?

Leslie Jones: Man, everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold, Colin? Why?

Colin Jost: I think coz it’s winter.

Leslie Jones: Don’t be cute with me you frosty ass snowman. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of walking, Jost.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Good transition.

Leslie Jones: I gotta stretch before I go to a store. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And y’all New Yorkers, y’all don’t know how to get directions. Yeah, yeah, “A couple of blocks.” It’s 5 miles! I was supposed to meet a man at a restaurant that one of you New Yorkers said it’s couple of blocks away, and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in ‘Shining’. Don’t ‘couple of blocks’ me no more. These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than blocks, father? I’ve been on 5th avenue for ten hours. When is it gonna turn to 6th?

And stop trying to explain this east, west stuff to me, okay? Coz I’m not gonna get it. “If you get to 6th street, you’re on the west.” [yelling] I’m not gonna get it! The last east, west stuff I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.

And the subway? Subway just nasty. I was standing on a subway platform on a date and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill everybody! That rat faeces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date– my date– This guy who I thought I liked is standing there like, “Ooh! Doesn’t the breeze feel good?” [yelling] No! Shut up! We just died here! We just got rat AIDS.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Couple of problems with rat AIDS.

Leslie Jones: And you know what? You know what? In here, I got to compete with these white beautiful New York bitches. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And none of y’all scared of me. At all! I used to be able to scare the hell out of a white girl in LA. Just walk up to them, give my best Compton stare. Not out here! You white bitches are strong. I bumped into a white girl on a train and I was like, “Yo! Yo! What’s up?” And she was like, “Yeah, bitch? What? What?” I was like, “Oh, my god! I am so sorry.” She turned me into the white girl, Jost.

[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Damn!

Leslie Jones: Shut up! Don’t you ever say that again!

Colin Jost: I won’t. Leslie Jones, everybody!

Leslie Jones: [yelling] It’s cold!

Weekend Update Girl at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was reported today that Boko Haram has joined forces with the terrorist group ISIS. Here with her thoughts on the subject is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at the party.

[The girl slides in]

The girl: Alright Michael. Thank me for having you back.

Michael Che: Thank– Alright, sure. Whatever. So, what do you think about this Boko Haram situation?

The girl: What do I think about it? [Cut to The girl] I think it is inexcusitive, okay? It’s a cardastrophy! It’s unremaginable! Just look at the sadistics, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

For every 10 people, there are 20 people. And what? We’re just supposed to give them all the death penalty? No! Like, American needs to grow up. But also, it needs to look like 15 years younger.

[Cut to The girl using her mobile phone]

I just friended you. Accept me.

[Cut to The girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: I’m sorry. Is this still about Boko Haram?

The girl: Open your eyes, Michael. Measles, Ebola, charter school. Sometimes I’m like, Salami Hussain was right. [Cut to The girl] And then healthcare? Everyone’s talking about HMOs. Um, how about just calling them gay people?

[Cut to The girl Michael Che and The girl]

Michael Che: Okay, I don’t think anyone is following what the hell you are sayin.

The girl: Michael! How would you feel if I went into your neighborhood and burned your house down?

Michael Che: I’d feel bad.

The girl: Exactly! And that’s exactly how they feel.

Michael Che: Who?

The girl: Fires! [Cut to The girl] If you took all the homeless women in the world and set them on top of each other, pffft. Zynga, Michael. Zynga.

[Cut to Michael Che and The girl]

So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright, fine! Fine. I need to give you this thing my friend Rhodney printed out. It’s a map quest directions. Like, nobody knows where it leads.

Michael Che: It says it on here. It’s direction to Forever 21.

The girl: By the way, Michael, what are you doing for spring break?

Michael Che: Oh, I might go to Puerto Rico.

The girl: Oh, I’m bringing democracy to Syria. Via Instagram. Oh look, it’s Karina. Karina! Are you dancing? Oh, she’s having a tiny seizure.

Michael Che: Okay, I think you just need to go.

The girl: Yeah! Actually, I do need to go Michael. Coz some of us are actually solving progress. [audience laughing] Coz if we don’t, in 800 years our children won’t even be alive. So, can I draw a cartoon of Mohammad real quick?

Michael Che: No!

The girl: Alright. Now, close your eyes. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open them. [Michael Che opens his eyes] Close them. [Michael Che closes his eyes] Open just the left. [Michael Che opens his left eye] Wink at me. [Michael Che winks at The girl] Congratulations, that’s assault.

Michael Che: The girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation at the party, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.