Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Okay. I know I said this last week but this week was crazy. Obviously, Trump’s not done yet but let’s just say [Picture changes to Mike Pence pitching at baseball field] Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bowl pitch. With the White House reeling from allegations of obstruction justice, president for now Trump said point blank, that he never told FBI director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up real dilemma who are you gonna believe? The head of the FBI or the guy who is definitely lying.

[Picture changes Donald Trump and James Comey]

It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he will public announce that Trump was not under investigation, which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of Law&Order and the husband asked the detectives, “So when are you gonna announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?”, that guy definitely buried the lady in the woods. A friend of Comey also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Robert Mueller at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The justice department has named Robert Mueller as special council to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. Now, this should make Trump very nervous because Mueller is a former director of FBI. And FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud or sex island. You know, typical stuff. So, Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out he’s being investigated by a Kentucky Kernel. [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] And you can tell Trump knows that heat is on because he tweeted out, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” I guess he’s right. It is pretty great! President Trump also said in the speech that no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like [Picture changes to Ja Rule] Ja Rule is a festival organizer.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported yesterday that president Trump told a Russian official, “I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy. A real nut job.” Which actually makes sense. Coz the only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters and Scott Baio. [Picture changes to Scott Baio]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and James Comey]

Comey is probably so normal that to Trump, he seems insane. He’s like, “You got to meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, own zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!” In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump talking to Russian officials at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was also reported in that same meeting that Trump revealed classified intelligence. Well, of course he did. He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunt handles church gossip. I beat everything he leaks to Russia starts with, “Russia girl, sit down.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Saudi Arabia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow’s going to be exciting because president Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.

[Picture changes to the White House]

It has obviously been a tough start for the Trump administration. So, we just want a moment to look back and remember all the people Trump has lost this year.

[cut to slideshow of pictures of Paul Manafort (resigned), Michael Flynn (forced to resign), Chris Christie (thrown under a bus), Rudy Giuliani (wooden stake), Sean Spicer (Shhh, he doesn’t know yet).]

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Being Sober

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new republican healthcare proposal could end protection for access to drug treatment and rehab. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, wad up, Colin?

Colin Jost: What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Good, how are you?

Colin Jost: I’m doing great. So, what have you been up to since you got sober?

Pete Davidson: Um, well, they say quitting drugs is hard and that’s true, but they don’t tell you how boring it is. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Whoever said there aren’t enough hours in a day was a liar. There are so many hours in the day. 24 to be exact. Did you guys know what? Did you know there were 24 hours in a day? Coz I thought there were only six.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, that’s good to know. I feel like there must have been something you did with your time off. Right?

Pete Davidson: I’ve been masturbating.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Colin Jost: It’s great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I’m doing that a lot. I was on drugs for the last eight years. So now I have to get, like, all the bad kids out.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, I’m sorry. What does that mean?

Pete Davidson: I got to masturbate all the bad kids out, Colin. [Cut to Pete Davidson] There’s a bunch of dummies in there. If I had  kid right now, he would come out with a snapback and a neck tattoo.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m just– I guess I’m just going to move on from that. So, how did you become sober?

Pete Davidson: Well, I went to rehab [Cut to Pete Davidson] and here’s some advice. Never pick the rehab you want to go to while you are high. Coz that’s what I did. I just googled rehab and picked the first place that popped up. What caught my eye about this one was their main attraction was horse therapy.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What’s horse therapy?

Pete Davidson: Well, wouldn’t we all like to know, Colin? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I’m not 100% sure, but I think it’s like when you pet horses and you look at them and like heal through their horseyness. You pet them and you look them in the eye and you’re like, “You’re trapped. I’m trapped. We get thorough this.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, it actually sounds kind of nice.

Pete Davidson: It does, doesn’t it? But the first day I got to rehab, guess who is allergic to horses. So… yeah. that’s how poor I was growing up. I never even met a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I remember doing the allergy test when they test you for dogs, cats and grass and all that. I remember the doctor specifically asked my mom, “Should he be tested for horses?” And she literally said, “Nah, he will never see one.” And then she said, “We’re more of a six flags type family.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. That sounds like a nightmare scenario. Rehab.

Pete Davidson: It was. Do not go to rehab that has horse therapy. If you go it will cost you 40 grand.

Colin Jost: Wait, it cost you $40,000?

Pete Davidson: To pet a horse. [Cut to Pete Davidson] You can have sex with a person for like, 50 bucks. I should have banged that horse.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Weekend Update on Aunt Jemima Recall

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Aunt Jemima logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Aunt Jemima is recalling several breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who I’m guessing is Jemima’ sister.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a monkey and map of India at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing them with birth control. India, where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they have to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach the monkey to use condom, it ate the banana. So, just the first joke?

[Picture changes to a computer]

A company in Canada has created a new software than can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. I will finally be able to hear my dad say, “I’m proud of you.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Calendar marked on May Colin Jost4 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your mama, because I won’t!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s introduced a new utensil called froerk, which is a fork made with French Fries. It’s a perfect way to tell your arteries to go fork themselves!

Weekend Update Cathy Anne

Michael Che

Cathy Anne

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.

Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.

Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Meth lab.

Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.

Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?

Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.

Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.

Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Your man?

Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!

Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.

Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.

Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright.

Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.

Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and James Comey at left top corner.]

Well, I know most of us think this every week but this week was crazy. On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar. Finally, Trump came forward and he said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey “wasn’t doing a good job.” Adding, for example, “I am still president.” Then he called Comey a show boat. This guy, [picture changes to James Comey] this guy is a show boat. He looks like if the word ‘gosh’ became a person. Trump was also reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean if a drug sniffing dog came up to your bag at the airport and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder what’s in that bag. Or they would just assume you work for United. [picture changes to United airlines logo]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Bannon at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Steve Bannon reportedly told the president that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when would be the good time to fire the guy that’s investigating you? While he’s putting on a handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon has to walk into your office with hot dog breath in his 10 o’clock shadow like, “Hey, this could be bad for our image, boss.”And it does look bad. In fact, everything Trump does sounds like a trailer of a wacky movie. Trump headline should come with a record scratch in a fun song. For instance, this week president Trump halts an FBI investigation by firing… [questioning tone] the head of the FBI? [song ‘I feel good’ playing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sean Spicer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After the Comey news was made public, White House press secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reporters by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’s thing. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Michael Che: A lot of emotions there.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed basic atrocity as well he was head of the FBI like re-opening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a basic atrocity. A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘pizza is life’. But when your profile pic is you on an inflatable swan. Basic atrocities is by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe. [Picture changes to Basic Atrocities fancy store]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump warned in a tweet that “James Omey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t even know what that mens because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes. Adding random quotations so a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. it’s the difference between saying, “Grandma is sleeping”, and “Grandma is [does the two finger quote gesture] sleeping.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Trump also tweeted, “As a very active President with lots of things happening, it is not possible for my surrogates to stand at podium with perfect accuracy!…” First of all, very active is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe imagination of a child that draws pictures of his school on fire.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s twitter profile]

Then he goes on to say, “… Maybe the best thing to do would be to cancel all future “press briefings” and hand out written responses for the sake of accuracy???” N, dude! You can’t just get rid of press briefings. Every time we criticize Donald Trump, he tries to offer a way worse plan as the solution. Just like when people criticize Trump for not actually draining the swamp, and Trump was like, “Well, I guess that means I should… [questioning tone] hire my son-in-law? [song ‘I feel good’ playing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a letter at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A letter released by president Trump’s lawyers claim that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources “with a few exceptions”. ‘With a few exceptions’ is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, “Don’t worry. All the kids came back from the field trip, with a few exceptions.” I’d also just like to point out that one of his tax attorneys is named Willy Nelson. And I know it’s not this Willy Nelson [Picture changes to Willy Nelson the singer] who famously didn’t pay his taxes, but still, I wouldn’t hire a baby sitter legal name was Jared Fogle. [Picture changes to Jared Fogle]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Are the Fogles here? Education secretary Betsy DeVos was boo’ed while giving a commencement speech at the historically all black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from the all black audience since I let Colin let open for me at the Apollo. [Picture changes to Colin Jost doing stand-up]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s a private moment

Weekend Update- Dawn Lazarus

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Dawn Lazarus… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This year Weekend Update held a nation wide contest to find a new meteorologist. The winner really amazed us. So, making her live television debut is our own Dawn Lazarus.

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather news set]

[cheers and applause]

Dawn! So, what’s the weather looking like?

Dawn Lazarus: And hello and thank you to you. Let’s have a look in at that weekend. Big sunny skies for you. Let’s pop it all the way next week and yeah, that’s a wow. Pressure’s gonna push it and it’ll come down 10 times.

[Cut to Michael Che looking disappointed]

Michael Che: Yeah. I’m sorry. What was that?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Well, I’ll tell ya’. Rain is on that way, but hey, can it hold on for a few more days? Can it? You bet it. The sunny skies will push it away and clouds– [clears throat] Excuse me. That sunny skies will push it away them clouds, starting from Thursday.

[Cut to split screen with Michael Che and Dawn Lazarus]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t get it, man. You were really good in the audition. But this is very different.

Dawn Lazarus: first time it’s on that cameras and it’s a big nervous one, okay?

Michael Che: Oh, okay. Yeah, I see. So, I think you were saying something about rain on the way? Is that right? Is that true?

Dawn Lazarus: Yup.

Michael Che: Can you– Can you say more about the rain?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Yup. Precipitations is going to have it. And if I’m you, cancel that picnic and get out that umbrella. Whoo! In the map, we got it wet from here all the way in here. And, sky, sky, sky.

Michael Che: Alright, well, we gave that a shot.  Dawn Lazarus, everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on May 5 at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House celebrated Cinco De Mayo on Friday by giving away hundreds of free trips to Mexico. [Picture changes to ICE deporting people]

[Cut to Micahel Che. there’s a picture of baseball field at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Major league baseball condemned the unacceptable radical slurs yelled at Orioles outfielder Adam Jones during a game in Boston. Because the only pace for racism in baseball is on the hats. [picture changes to Chief Wahoo hat] In total, 34 people were removed from Fenway park. You know how comfortably racist a has to be for 34 strangers to look around and say, “I think I can yell the N word here”?

[Picture changes to Adam Jones and Curt Schilling]

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling said he believed that Jones is lying. Come on, Curt, is that really hard to believe? Of course not everybody in Boston is racist. Not everybody in San Francisco is gay. But if Adam Jones said 34 dudes at a Giants’ game yelled “Yas, Queen”, I’d be like, “Yeah, that’s actually pretty low for San Francisco.”

[Picture changes to a rifle and Oklahoma state]

Law makers in Oklahoma want to make it legal for gun owners to– Oh, I’m sorry. I think we are getting some breaking news.

[Cut to Weekend Update Break’n Hnews intro]

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus in her weather new set]

Dawn Lazarus: God, boy. It’s a major big-big at tropical hurricane. We’re talking yikes and wind.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Dawn, you are back? Why are you back?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Let’s have at that, threeD threeD. Look at wind speeds gat a woosh? And it’s in danger.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Is it even hurricane season right now?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: Ha!

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Did you make up a hurricane because you are nervous?

[Cut to Dawn Lazarus]

Dawn Lazarus: You bet ya’. And that’s about that your neck in the woods.

[Cut to Micahel Che]

Micahel Che: Weekend Update meteorologist, Dawn Lazarus everybody.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though, because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania. [Michael Che laughing]

[picture changes to Penn Station in New York]

A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters, an event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’

Weekend Update on the AHCA

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, this week President Trump started building his wall, a wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare. The house voted to repeal and replace Obamacare and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating healthcare the way I treat an iTunes agreement. I’m like, “Ah, I’m sure it’s fine.” Then suddenly, I’m dealing with a pre-exiting condition like that UMichael Che album they forced onto our phones. The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physician’s Alliance. Though, it did receive a rare thumbs up from the grim reaper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and his people celebrating at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This picture of them celebrating is just so chilling. No minority can see all these old white dudes smiling and think, “Yeah, I think it’s gonna be great news for us.” They look like they just invented sickle cell. [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to American Healthcare Act logo.]

The new republican health bill would allow insurance companies to charge people higher premiums for 240 preexisting conditions. For reference, here is what 240 preexisting conditions look like. [Picture changes to an old white man] Insurance companies even defined pregnancy as a preexisting condition which baffles me because I have tried to convince a woman her pregnancy was preexisting condition and it does not hold up in court.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture American Healthcare Act logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some expect this will hurt republicans the midterm election since it will raise premium with older Americans and not cover people with preexisting conditions. And this is the worst part, the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second you thought it might be? Even the AARP criticized the republican bill saying the rushed changes make a bad bill even worse. It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup too hot’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Australian flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally, dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said the Australia has better healthcare than us. Why don’t we do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuffs from other countries all the time. Why not take working policies? Australia’s like, “Our healthcare system is amazing.” And we’re like, “Yeah, yeah. You got any more of them Hemsworths though?” President Trump said he would be honored to meet with Kim Jung Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who get’s the last pork chop. Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such bad thing. I mean, we finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like, the only person who can deal with my crazy uncle Jeff is my crazy uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together because we can all just enjoy a peaceful thanksgiving dinner while they are in the bathroom measuring.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.[

Colin Jost: President Trump’s re-election campaign has launched a new ad, touting the achievements of his first 100 days in office. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a list video. The list has ‘Gorsuch’, ‘Health care???’, ‘Cake’ and ‘Golf.’]

[Cut to Colin Jost. He is having a coffee]

Wow! I thought I had more time. Trump will take his first international trip as president this month visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose those three countries after Steve Bannon told a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a priest. And Trump was like, “I gotta meet these guys.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Well, summer is just around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] And many people are planning their summer vacations. Not at a Penn Station. Here with her thought is someone who recently went on a vacation to Rome, Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

Michael Che: Whoo! Yo! [singing] I want to give you some good, good loving.

Yeah, hello, Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: Wow, Colin Jost? That’s very formal, Leslie. I was expecting something like, “You little vanilla bean.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m sorry. I don’t need to do that anymore because I am no longer thirsty. [Cut to Michael Che] Finally, the national crisis is over. I met someone. [cheers and applause] Now, I don’t know if I ever mentioned this to you before, but I have a little trouble in the men department. So, I did what any black woman with man trouble, free time and a passport would do. I went to Jamaica. And I did everything. I got my hair braided, I smoked a little weed, coconut oiled myself up, smoked a whole lot more weed. I put on a little Allen dress with the fringes that make your booty look thick.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nice. So, would you say it sort of like, got your groove back?

[Michael Che stares at Colin Jost angrily]

Michael Che: Never say that again. [Colin Jost nods his head] Look at me. Never.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: So, I went to the club and in the five minutes that I was not looking, a real man walked up the stairs and found me and it was on! Ha-ha! We tore that place up, man! You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Ah-hah!

Colin Jost: I think yes, I know what you’re saying. Tell me more about it.

Michael Che: Let me- let me explain.

Colin Jost: Yes, please. Details. Details.

Michael Che: Let me explain. [inhales] For what he did to me in that shower, [smiles] I should be in a tiny room with a tiny table sitting at a tiny chair writing on a tiny piece of paper in tiny letters.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, why?

Michael Che: Because it was a secret, Colin. [yelling] Whooo! We did the ‘do not’ everywhere. On the balcony, in the hammock. In the cliffs with a bunch of sea creatures everywhere. Colin, have you ever had sex with a bunch of crabs watching you?

Colin Jost: I have not.

Michael Che: Ha-ha! Them crabs was like, [Michael Che moving sideways like crabs, but with a shocked face.] Now… [Colin Jost laughing hard] [Cut to Michael Che] I used to hate when my friends would say, “You are not going to find a man until you stop looking.” Because I was always looking. I was advertising my ass like one of them Beginsu knives. “This booty can do everything. It can cut through a can and still slice through a tomato afterwards.” But in Jamaica, I finally realized that I didn’t need to try so hard. All I needed to do was be me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think that’s a great advice. I think I’m really happy to hear that. And I just– I don’t know. I just feel a little left out, I guess.

Michael Che: Aw, Colin. You always find a way to bring it back to you, don’t you? Selfish ass. [Colin Jost laughing] You delicious coconut milkshake.

Colin Jost: Aw, thank you.

Michael Che: You will always be my vanilla back up.

Colin Jost: Thank you. That’s really nice.

Michael Che: And you can always come over and watch me like one of those crabs.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy on Passover 3

Michael che

Jacob… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: Tonight marks the sixth night of the Jewish holiday, Passover. Here to talk about the holiday is my podiatrist’s son and recent bar mitzvah boy, Jacob.

[Jacob slides in]

Jacob: My dad wanted me to give you this insults and also to remind to you to wear flip flops this summer around the pool.

Michael che: Well, thank you so much, Jacob. You’ve been fun on Passover? Is that fun for you?

[Jacob silently opens his notes and reads from it]

Jacob: [clearing throat] During Passover, [cut to Jacob] we eat several foods that are symbolic of Passover story. We eat matso because it reminds us that the Jews didn’t have time for the bread to rise when escaping Egypt. It actually tastes okay, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: [laughing] Hey, that’s pretty good. Hey, Jacob, you don’t have to make a speech like at your bar mitzvah. We can just hang out and talk as friends.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

[Cut to Jacob]

Jacob: The other symbolic foods include the shank bone and also haroset which represents the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to make bricks. Like the bricks I scraped my chin on when my daddy was teaching me to play bridge and my chair collapsed. But seriously, I want to thank my older brother Ethan for helping me get ointment my scrape even though he once changed the password on my iPad and charged my $20 to get back into it.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That sounds like something my brother would do. Like this one time–

Jacob: [interrupting by reading] The bitter herbs remind us [cut to Jacob] of the bitter lives the Jews lived before they escaped. Usually, the bitter herb at our table is Romaine lettuce, but it’s no Papa John’s pizza.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. You are really giving free press to Papa John’s pizza. Is that your favorite pizza place? Papa John’s?

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: The roasted egg on the seder plate [Cut to Jacob] is symbolic of renewal and rejuvenation, which is also what my mom always says my aunt Madeline is doing to her face.

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ha-ha-ha. That’s a solid burn, Jacob. [giving fist for Jacob to hit] Come on, hit it.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: Finally…

Michael che: Alright, I’ll just– [puts his hand back]

Jacob: The the karpas, [cut to Jacob] a green vegetable is dipped in salt water to represent the tears of the Jews which is sad and I’m sad when I think about how I will be going away to camp in the Poconos and leaving my friends behind. But even Derek Jeter had to leave the Yankees one day. [Jacob wipes his tears quickly]

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Aw, are you crying? Don’t cry. You’ll have fun at camp.

[Jacob silently looks at Michael che and turns the pages of his notes]

Jacob: In conclusion, [Cut to Jacob] I want to thank my cousins Zack, Merica and John for coming in from Scottsdale because they got a free flight from complaining, my best friend Seth, who everyone thinks is Jewish, my uncle Simon even though my dad says he is so blinded by his devotion to Israel that he ignores all reasons. And I want to dedicate this to my Buby who makes the best masso ball soup. But it’s no–

[Cut to Michael che and Jacob]

Michael che: Ah, here it comes.

Jacob: Papa John’s pizza!

Michael che: There it is. Bar Mitzvah boy, Jacob, everybody!

Weekend Update on Failed North Korean Missile Launch

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Un at left top corner.]

We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jung-Un who actually describes himself as Harry Styles of North Korea. Just hours ago, North Korea attempted a missile launch but as soon as it took off, it immediately exploded. North Korean claimed the failed launch was actually just a tribute to Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

As tensions have mounted between the US and North Korea, vice president Mike Pence was sent to South Korean even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea, Florida.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In an interview, president Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China’s president saying, “After listening for 10 minutes I realized it’s not so easy.” Which part? The North Korea part or the listening for 10  minutes part? Also, nothin says “I wasn’t really listening” more than saying “I listen for 10  minutes.” You’re never gonna hear “I listen for 10 minutes and I know karate.” You can’t just have listened and politely nod to the president of China like he’s asking to check out his new mixtape.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a missile at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, our military dropped the mother of all bombs in Afghanistan. The bomb cost $sixteen million and reportedly took out 94 members of ISIS. Which doesn’t sound that efficient. But remember, FOX News spent $13 million just to get rid of five women.

[Picture changes to Afghanistan map]

The bomb hit ISIS-K which is a regional division of ISIS and coincidentally Kellogg’s least popular breakfast cereal.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Xi Jinping at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump gave an exclusive interview to Fox business recounting his meeting with the Chinese President. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s video]

Donald Trump: I was sitting at the table. We had finished dinner. We’re now having dessert. We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you have ever seen.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: First of all, you don’t know what cakes I’ve seen. [cheers and applause] And second, maybe you should take it easy on the cake. You already got a butt like an Atlanta Stripper. But, Trump eventually got back on track and gave us the important, specific details.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s video]

Donald Trump: So, what happens is I said we just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq.

Interviewer: But it was heading to Syria.

Donald Trump: Yes, heading towards Syria.

[cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you sure bro? That part’s kind of important. Trump runs the country like Homer Simpson runs the power plant. We’re asking about missile strikes and he is thinking, “Mmm, cake.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mar-A-Lago resort.]

Colin Jost: Florida health inspectors have issues 13 violations against president Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn’t worried since he built up immunity to most diseases from a life time of waiters spitting in his food.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of behind of Donald Trump walking at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The secret service requested a $60 million budget increase on top of $74 million already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That’s $134 million for protection. Are you getting them all Iron Man suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in New York city apartment in the projects during the crack 80s. And all we had for protection was a pitbull and praying grandmother. And if one of us got hurt, that was just god’s plan, baby. You just put down some candles on the basketball court and move on.

[Picture changes to Ben Carson]

Dr. Ben Carson tore the housing complex this week and got stuck in an elevator where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons. [Picture changes to elevator’s floor buttons]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dr. Carson said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he got stuck on this escalator. [Picture changes to Ben Carson on stairs]

[Picture changes to a scorpion.]

In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday, a passenger on one of their flights, somehow this is true, was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin and that was the best thing that happened on a United Airlines this week. The way worse story of course was this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for their United employees. United, your slogan is literally ‘Fly the friendly skies.’ I can’t think of anything less appropriate. That’s like if Chipotle’s slogan was ‘you are going to have an easy time on the toilet.’

Though, I will say in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is ‘Don’t even look at us.’ I’ll say, after all of this, I will never fly United ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to where I’m going. In which case, I will definitely fly United.