Weekend Update Bruce Chandling on Easter

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Temperatures climbed up to 80 degrees in New York this week and Easter Sunday arrives tomorrow marking the unofficial beginning of spring time. Here with his unique take on the season is veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Yo! Ay! Michael! Ay, so good to be here. You know? The sun’s out, flowers are in bloom and the girl’s skirts are getting a lot shorter. So, this guy has got work to do.

Michael Che: What re you talking about? what work?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Look, I love Easter. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Right? Personally, I don’t get it. I mean, you got that big bunny showing up, giving sweets all over the backyard. Now, in the real world, you know, I’m just saying, most animals don’t deposit candy in the grass. They leave something else. And I don’t recommend eating that chocolate.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yo, what age range are these jokes for?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, you really got to stop interrupting, okay, pal?

Michael Che: Yeah, but–

Bruce Chandling: Alright! [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Of course, my favorite part of the season has to be spring break. Yeah! yeah!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: They’re not cheering for you. They’re cheering for spring break I think.

Bruce Chandling: I mean, these college kids love to have fun. [to Michael Che] You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah. I’ve–

Bruce Chandling: You heard about this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know, they’re always getting together and going on trips down south. And I ain’t just talking about Mexico if you catch my drift.

[cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yeah, man, we all get it and it’s bad. Are you finished?

Bruce Chandling: But honestly, you know, these kids they really do go nuts, Michael. We t-shirt contests. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Rock hard abs. Beautiful people looking the best they are ever going to look. It really makes you think.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? Is that the punch line?

Bruce Chandling: No. [cut to Bruce Chandling] It just– it really– it makes you think about how you might not ever be able to look like that again. [Bruce Chandling is getting depressed] The weight gets harder to lose and you don’t remember what it feels like to be kissed. Now, some loser in lab coat is telling you that you have to wear glasses because you are practically blind. Well, [wears his glasses] go ahead and laugh all you want. I guess the real joke here is me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, Bruce, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were struggling, but I think you are a good person inside and that’s what really matters.

Bruce Chandling: I guess you’re right. I mean, at least– [smirking]

Michael Che: Oh god!

Bruce Chandling: — I didn’t eat the wrong chocolate!

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Australian map and a pregnant lady]

Colin Jost: A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13 pound baby, completely ruining her down under. It’s gonna get worse. Doctors say it has left her with what you might call a blooming onion. Sorry. I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Austrian flag and bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Austria report that more than 1 million bees have been stolen from a local park. Or, and hear me out, they just flew away. They’re bees.

[Picture changes to dogs]

An ice cream parlor has begun serving ice creams specially made for dogs to eat. So, take that, Africa! Ha-ha. It even comes in dogs’ two favorite flavors. Bacon and butt.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a baby at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that infants start to show racist tendencies between 6 and 9 months of age. And by the time they’re two, they’re already yelling at Dora [picture changes to Dora the explorer] to speak English.

Weekend Update- Cecilia Gimenez on Cristiano Ronaldo Bust

Colin Jost

Cecilia Giminez… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week an airport in Portugal unveiled a bust of their most famous soccer player Christiano Ronaldo who looks like this, [Cut to picture of Christiano Ronaldo] but the statue came out like this. [Picture changes to a bad statue of Christiano Ronaldo.] [Michael Che laughing] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Now, here to get her take is the artist that made Spain’s famous echo homo Jesus painting, Ms. Cecilia Giminez.

[Cecilia Giminez slides in]

Hello, Cecilia, welcome.

Cecilia Giminez: Well, star! Now, do not worry about the Ronaldo sculpture. People are going to love it.

Colin Jost: Really? Well, you know, people love your Jesus painting now. It has actually become a huge tourist attraction.

Cecilia Giminez: Yes. It has. It’s true, Colin. Jesus has blessed me. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez.][Cecilia Giminez shows a picture of his painting] At night he come to me, he look upon me with his kind dark snake eyes and he said, “You are blessed, Cecilia.” And I thanked Jesus for everything he has done and he said to me, “Hah!”

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s great. yeah. [Cecilia Giminez starts putting her face on the picture] Okay, Cecilia. It worked out for you. It worked out for you. Kind of. It worked out for you, right? So, maybe it could work out for the sculpture too.

Cecilia Giminez: Of course, Colin. Well, its’ a beautiful art.  Look at this. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] [Cecilia GiminezShowing a picture of bad Christiano Ronaldo sculpture.] Wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very special.

Cecilia Giminez: Wow! The first question any great sculpture must ask about his subject is ‘what would he look like if he had a stroke?’ But he had the stroke while saying ‘Cheese.’ You see? Look at his eyes. They love each other. They want to be together. They are like a little lesbian teenagers at a sleepover trying to push their beds together in the night. It’s perfect. Look at this. It’s like they take my beautiful Ronaldo face and they put it through a snap chat filter where all the features are twisted and sucked into the nose.

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you really fell like this looks anything like Ronaldo?

Cecilia Giminez: Of course it does. It’s perfect. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] It’s the spitting image of my Ronaldo and that’s why so many people spit on it. Look at the details. Look at this gorgeous smile. That’s a smile that says, “I got a fish in my mouth and I’m trying to keep it in there.” And just to show soccer is not just for boys, they make the neck out of a little vagina. It’s so beautiful.

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

It’s a beautiful detail.

Colin Jost: Yes, yes, I see how you might like this, but I feel like there are a lot of soccer fans out there who think it’s pretty bad.

Cecilia Giminez: Why? This is a perfect image of Ronaldo playing football. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] See how the artist captures his look right when the ball hit him in the face?

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, this sculpture is currently at an airport. Do you think people are gonna want to see this sculpture at an airport?

Cecilia Giminez: They’re gonna love it. [Cut to Cecilia Giminez] See, when you travel, you tire. You feel so sad. You wanna see a friendly face. The face of a man who pets a bunny so much it dies. You know?

[Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great point.

Cecilia Giminez: [feeling Colin Jost’s biceps] Oh my god. Wow.

Colin Jost: Now, what is your next project? You know what you’re working on?

Cecilia Giminez: I’ve got a news, Colin. NBC has commissioned a statue for you out side and guess who they hired to do it?

Colin Jost: Who did they hire?

Cecilia Giminez: Me.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha. Wow. I could have guessed that. Yes. So you’re doing a statue of me?

Cecilia Giminez: I did. I already did it. Look at this.

[Cut to bad statue of Colin Jost’s face.] [Cut to Cecilia Giminez and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Cecilia Giminez, everyone.

Cecilia Giminez: Thank you, Jesus.

Weekend Update on Woman’s Selfie Accident

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bridge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she not long has a good side.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: White House unveiled Melania Trump’s official portrait this week and it turns out she posed in front of same giant spider web that I did back in 5th grade. [Picture changes to baby Colin Jost.] [Picture changes to People’s magazine]

Well, it’s official. Barry Manilow is gay.

Michael Che: Official? [laughing]

Colin Jost: This story was first reported in the comment section of his YouTube videos.

[Picture changes to a woman’s sillhoutte.]

An 28 year old woman in Romania has reported auctioned her virginity to a Hong Kong businessman for $2.5 million, which is the second worse thing someone has done for money this week. [Picture changes to Kylie Jenner’s picture from Pepsi ad.] [Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of rhino and Ohio state at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials at Cleveland zoo have announced that one of the critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.

[Picture changes to

New research shows that the first 59% of people on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like, “Me and go straight for that butt.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Yahoo and Aol logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Yahoo and Aol will combine to form a new company because no one wants to die alone. [cheers and applause] [Picture changes to manatees]

And Manatees. [One audience cheer hard] [Michael Che laughing] You own one? Manatees have recently been upgraded from endangered to merely threatened. So, for a limited time only, the McManatee is back. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Syria Missile Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. [Picture changes to missiles] In response to the Syrian regimes chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday spent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian air field. Coz when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses send. [Picture changes to send button of twitter.]

This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you are Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he is starting a real war with Assad [Picture changes to Assad] while he’s still bogged down in a twitter war with Schwarzenegger. [Picture changes to Arnold Schwarzenegger.] Remember? After Trump was elected and everyone saying, “Stop taking Trump literally. He’s not literally going to ban Muslins, Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.” All I’m saying is if I were Hillary Clinton right now, I’d start getting in prison shape.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is picture of Syrian and Russian flags at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Now, I may be oversimplifying the details. The US has attacked Assad who, like us, is already at war with ISIS. But Assad is a close ally with Russia who Trump has said he wants to work with to defeat ISIS. Even though the biggest threat to ISIS is Assad who Trump just bombed. Now, in case you are having trouble following all that, here’s a reenactment of what I just described.

[Cut to old movie clip where three people are hitting each other] [Cut to Michael Che]

Simple enough, right? Now, this attack comes as a surprise because just Monday, the President said he wanted nothing to do with the Syrian conflict. And by Thursday, he already attacked them. He’s handling conflict the way my mother handles family drama. At first, she’s like, “This ain’t none of my business. Y’all leave me out of this. Y’all grown.” Then three days later, she’s outside my ex girlfriend’s job in a track suit with a brick in one hand and her wig in the other.

Trump also broke protocol by not waiting for approval from congress. He didn’t even wait until he was home. He was still on vacation in Margaritaville or wherever he calls that place. And then he sent 60 missiles from Amazon Prime on a whim.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Xi Jinping.]

President Trump met with Chinese this week at his Mar a Lago Estate, and then when the two men stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear. If you mash them together, they would look exactly like Steven Segal. [Picture changes to Steven Segal] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Neal Gorsuch at left top corner.

Colin Jost: On Friday, the senate voted to confirm Supreme Court nominee Neal Gorsuch which made it extra awkward for Merrick Garland’s family when he pretended to come home after another long day at the Supreme Court. [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Steve Bannon]

This week, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. [cheers]  And this time, he probably can blame the Jews.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jared Kushner with the military at left top corner.]

Michael Che: The White House revealed that Jared Kushner has traveled to Iraq with the Chairman of the Joint Chief of Staff. God! What a dork! Why is he wearing that vest? He’s dressed like Colin when he goes to buy weed with my guy without me.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It was my first time. This photo represents what frustrates me most about this administration which is complete lack of self awareness. They are the worst thing that rich white guys can be, which is oblivious. [Picture changes to Jeff Sessions] Like, Jeff Sessions, the other day he’s accused of being racist. The first thing he did this week as Attorney General was to reduce oversight on police departments. Way to pick up on the general vibe of the country. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Then four days into sexual assault awareness month, Trump comes out of nowhere to defend the guy accused of sexual assault, [Picture changes to Bill O’Reilly] which I don’t think is how the month is traditionally celebrated. And now, while we’re on the verge of World War 3, Jared Kushner rolls on to a military base is his best yacht rock outfit. I mean, come on, you’re going to see generals, not Vampire Weekend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bill O’Reilly at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York Times has reported that Bill O’Reilly and FOX News paid out $13 million to five different women to settle the sexual harassment claims. $13 million to five women? The best case scenario, that mean’s you’re so bad with women that every time you’ve tried to flirt, it cost you $2.5 million. I’m bad with women too, but the most it ever cost me was a two-star rating on Uber Pool.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson’s First Impressions of the Trump Administration

Michael Che

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Each week brings a new controversy of President Trump as well as another person who has to defend him to the media. Here to sort them out is Pete Davidson with his First Impressions.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What up? Look, um, defending president Trump is really tough job. [Cut to Pete Davidson] A couple of weeks ago they brought out this guy. [There’s a picture of Steven Millar at right top corner.] Trump spokesman and Janes Bond villain Steve Miller. Poor Steve. He tries to project strength but he looks like Fredo Corleone had been even sicker as a child. Still, you have to give him credit. He’s made it pretty far for guy who is in high school voted “Most likely to have a cigar box full of missing girl’s driver’s licenses.” He lasted about a week. Then they got to deputy White House press secretary, [Picture changes to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is one of those sweet southern girl you marry, if you’re gay. I like that one. [Michael Che laughing] So now, members of congress try to defend Trump, like the head of the house committee on oversight, [Picture changes to Jason Chaffetz] Jason Chaffetz. You probably remember him when he played simple Jack from the movie “Tropic Thunder.” [Picture changes to Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder] [Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Another person forced to defend Trump is Paul Ryan who got to be the house after someone waved a magic wand over a ventriloquist dummy. All the republicans wanted Paul Ryan to come up with something to replace Obamacare. And now he did, everybody hates it. And I know what this is like, because for years, people have been asking me to quit drugs and get sober. And now that I have, everyone thinks I’m very unfunny and boring. [Michael Che laughing] And hey, at least I have dreams now. And I’ve started waking up with boners again.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. [looking at Michael Che] Hard as a rock.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Pete Davidson: But now– [Michael Che laughing hard] Well, maybe not as great as your’s, but whatever. Sorry. But, you know– [Michael Che laughing hard] Sorry. But no one defends Trump better than FOX News. And it starts every morning with “FOX & Friends.” This is Donald Trump’s favorite show because they trade in for a new blond every two years. This year’s model is Ainsley Earhardt, who looks like she’s with her dad’s friends who keep talking about how much she’s grown.

[Picture changes to Sean Hannity]

Of course, the king of Trump supporters if Sean Hannity. He looks like a thumb which explains why he’s so far up Trump’s ass. [cheers and applause] I hate him too. I guess he likes Trump, because his hair is also really weird. And the top of his head looks like two eyebrows got to live their dream of being hair.

[Cut to Michael Che and Pete Davidson]

Michael Che: Ah! So that’s what it is. Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I’m getting boners again.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight!

Weekend Update- Al Franken and Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Al Franken… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.

[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]

Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.

Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.

[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.

Al Franken: That’s overstating.

Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.

Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.

Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?

Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?

Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.

Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.

Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?

Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.

Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?

Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.

Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.

Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Jeff Sessions: Alababy.

Al Franken: Excuse me?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.

Al Franken: Oh my god.

Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.

Al Franken: Unbelievable.

Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.

Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.

Al Franken: And where do you live?

Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.

Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.

Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.

[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.

Weekend Update on Trumpcare

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: What’s up, everybody?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Republican logo and a caduceus at right top corner.]

Well, this week, republicans made their best effort to unite the country by presenting a new health care plan that everybody could hate together. Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lost their coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn’t repeal Obamacare enough. And I’m upset because its still doesn’t cover medicinal cocaine and I’ve got a screenplay to finish. I spent the money.

The White House is officially calling the bill the American Health Care Act and not as many people in the media have been calling it, Trumpcare, or they probably should be calling it, don’t care. “Are you old and poor and losing your coverage? Don’t care!”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

How bad does something have to be for Trump not to want his name on it? This guy once put his name on a Ponzi scheme. [Picture changes to Trump University logo] But even for this, he’s like, “I don’t want to take all the credit.” It’d be like if Kanye’s next album was called “But enough about me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a hospital and a caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was estimated the republican healthcare plan gives a $400 billion tax break to the rich. While the poor will receive a box of generic band aids and a travel size bottle of airborne. The republican plan to replace Obamacare would cut funding to planned parenthood. So, you might not get to keep your healthcare, but you ave to keep something else. [Picture changes to a baby] [Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

of the house, Paul Ryan gave congress a powerpoint presentation about the healthcare bill. Because nothing says “Trust me about the future” like powerpoint. Unfortunately, he clicked one slide too far and it got into a workout tips.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jason Chaffetz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Jason Chaffetz defended the cost of the new healthcare bill by saying if poor people want insurance, they will have to choose between healthcare and that new iPhone. Which is ridiculous. How are you supposed to even know when you need a doctor if you don’t have an iPhone to Facetime your junk to Colin and ask, “Hey, man, you ever get this before?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I gave you a fake number. [Michael Che laughing] President Trump introduced his revised travel ban this week. Though, it’s probably not great. It’s just a bunch of brown color swatches. [Picture changes to a paper with five different color swatches printed on it.] [Picture changes to a calendar marked on March 16.]

The new travel ban will go into effect on March 16th and then on March 17th, we showcase the type of upstanding immigrants this country wants.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of CIA logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wikileaks released documents saying the CIA can hack into personal devices and spy on people. Now, this is why I’m glad I have black grandparents. They told me the CIA was recording everything years ago. One year, I bought him a universal remote. He smashed it with a dress shoe and aid, “Boy, don’t you know that’s how they got Dr. King?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump this week also surprised a group of children on a tour of the White House. Let’s take a look at that.

[Cut to video clip of Donald Trump at White House. He comes out and shakes his both hands sideways.] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He just popped out like a monster on Scooby Doo. Was he trying to scare those kids away from a treasure? Speaking of Scooby Doo, I think the eyes are moving in that painting behind him. But real quick, can we just turn up the audio and hear the kid’s reaction to Trump?

[Cut to the same video clip where children scream.] [Cut to Colin Jost]

Nothing says ‘My presidency is going well’ like the screams of children. I thought the weirdest part was at the very end when Trump said, “Now which one of you kids wants to be the new US Attorney in New York?”

Weekend Update on A Day Without a Woman

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of ‘A Day Without Woman’ march logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This Wednesday was a day without a woman, sponsored by Jergens Lotion.

[Cut to Jergens lotion ad video bumper. There’s a bottle of Jergens and a box of napkins.]

Male voice: Jergens, you know what it’s for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jenifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J. Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Atlennifex Lodripez.

[Picture changes to Florida state map]

For second year in a row, the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again, Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marked on the second week of March at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Last week was world orphan week. To you orphans out there, better luck next year.

[Picture changes to O.J. Simpson]

O.J. Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And, ladies, he’s single.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of WAFFLE HOUSE logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at the age of 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrols have– a knife fight in the parking lot.

Weekend Update- Laura Parsons on the 2017 Oscars & Trans Rights

Michael Che

Laura parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our newscasters of Tomorrow segment, where a kid joins us to give the news from their perspective. So, please welcome kid actress, Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in] [cheers and applause]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
they say that it’s fake but that’s just happened
anything on news

Michael Che: That was adorable. Laura, you’re an actress, did you watch the Oscars?

Laura Parsons: Of course, I did. It was so exciting. [Cut to Laura Parsons] [singing] City of stars
are you shining just for me?

That’s how people sing in Hollywood.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Yeah, very good. Did you see any of the winning movies?

Laura Parsons: Well, I didn’t see ‘Moonling’. My mother says it’s too grown up for me. But I know it featured brilliant performances, amazing cinematography [in loud voice] and a sea side handjob!

Michael Che: Wait! Hey, I don’t know if you should be saying that. And where did you even hear that term? Where did you learn that?

Laura Parsons: Well, someone wrote in on the wall of our school bathroom. And speaking of school bathrooms, Trump just rolled back rights of transgender students to use a bathroom of their choice. Isn’t that terrible?

Michael Che: Yes, that’s right. But do you know exactly what that issue is about?

Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Some people think you should choose which bathroom you use based on your gender identity. But the government [in loud voice] wants to lift up your skirt and judge your ding-dongs!

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what transgender means?

Laura Parsons: I think so.  [Cut to Laura Parsons] It’s when you look down at your privates and say “Why I ought to.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: No. No. Let’s talk about something that’s not even in the news. Have you seen any good TV shows lately?

Laura Parsons: I sure have. Do you like prank shows, Michael?

Michael Che: Not really.

Laura Parsons: Well, I do. I love all kinds of pranks. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Except last week when a woman was tricked into spraying Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother [in loud voice] with nerve toxin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: How do you know–

Laura Parsons: [in loud voice] The prank was murder!

Michael Che: Laura, I feel like I say this a lot. But let’s talk about something way lighter. What about something from your life?

Laura Parsons: Well, I’m going to visit my grandparents soon.

Michael Che: That’s very nice.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Luckily, they live in a beautiful condo and not one of the thousands of nursing homes that’s been cited for elder abuse and [in loud voice] sexual assault.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsons: You might wanna google it [in loud voice] before nana gets raped!

Michael Che: Alright! That’s enough. Thank you for being here, Laura, you– you did great. Thank you so much.

Laura Parsons: I did? [singing] Pa-pa-pa pa-di-pa-pa
And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everybody. Very good. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.