Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffatt

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Despite claiming no direct involvement, there are still ethics concerns around president Trump’s ties to his business, here to comment are the co-CEO’s of Trump Organization, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to have you, yeah. Now, many people, myself included, have some serious concerns that your father could use his position to help his former business.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, I know. You mentioned that on the golf course last weekend. I was beating you by nine strokes. You gotta work on your short game, pal.

Colin Jost: I know.

Donald Trump Jr.: But Eric and I did have a blast.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Eric: I drove the golf car!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, Eric. Remember, I told you this, pal, man. Remember, it’s golf cart. Golf cart. Not car. Cart, with a T.

Eric: Ta.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. Colin, the Trump Organization is entire in our hands. In fact, Eric and I recently celebrated the grand opening of a new Trump Golf Course in Dubai, which Colin, was a smash success.

Eric: I got a sunburn.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. That’s because you didn’t want to wear your hat, bud.

Eric: It doesn’t fit.

Donald Trump Jr.: I told you, bud, you can chance the size with the little snaps on the back. that’s why they have those. We also cut the ribbon, the beautiful new Trump Luxury Hotel in Vancouver, Canada. [Cut to Eric, Donald Trump Jr. and Colin Jost] And Colin, the chef we got in Vancouver is absolutely amazing. He crushed the menu. The food is next level.

Eric: I had a funny face pancake. He had whip creams hair.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And you ate the whole thing.

Eric: I’m hungry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright. I got some cheerios for you, buddy.

[Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a packet of cheerios and gives it to Eric]

Eric: Alright!

[Eric eats them]

Colin Jost: I’m glad your business is doing well. That doesn’t actually answer any question about your father’s involvement in the business.

Eric: I’m thirsty.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, I’ve got a juice for you. [Donald Trump Jr. is reaching for juice inside his pocket] The fact of the matter is, all the deals coming to fruition now [gives juice to Eric] were in place far, far before my father. [Eric cannot figure out how to put the pipe inside the juice box] Eric, Eric, let me do it. Let me do it. Come on, man, don’t just stab it. You’re making a mess. Look, insert straw here. Right? First of all, you’re not using the pointy end.

Eric: Sorry.

Donald Trump Jr.: Uh, Eric!

Eric: What did I do?

Donald Trump Jr.: You just gotta– Eric, I don’t wanna make a mess. [Eric just drinks the juice out of box without straw] There you go.

Colin Jost: He figured it out.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s my brother. I’m proud of you. Colin, bottomline, the only people making decisions– [to Eric] You downed that quick, bud! Look at you, thirsty little guy.

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: The only people making decisions regarding the Trump Organization are Eric and myself.

Eric: And dad!

Donald Trump Jr.: No, no. Remember, Eric, dad does not tell us what to do anymore?

Eric: Yes, he does.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, you wanna play on my phone, bud?

Eric: Yeah.

Donald Trump Jr.: There you go. [Donald Trump Jr. passes Eric his phone] Eric’s a little jokester. What he meant to say was our the only people calling the shots at the Trump Organization are myself and this guy.

Eric: I’m tired.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah, he’s going to get cranky. Gotta get him home. Okay, so it’s quick bath, jammies and then bed. Alright, bud?

Eric: Okay. Can Colin sleep over?

Donald Trump Jr.: Not tonight, bud.

Eric: Aww!

Colin Jost: Aww! Eric and Donald Trump, everyone.

Eric: And I’m Eric!

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Wiretapping Accusation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, this Saturday morning while his nurse was at temple, grandpa shuffled out of his room and got into his twitter again. Without offering any evidence in the series of tweets, Donald Trump accused former president Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during election? He even tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Is it legal for a sitting president to be ‘wire tapping’ a race for president prior to an election? Turned down by court earlier. A NEW LOW!” [Cut to Michael Che] Dude, you’re the president of the United States and you are seeking legal advice on twitter? That’s like your doctor tweet out, “Hey, does this look infected?” But this is a very serious allegation for a sitting president to make about his predecessor. And you know that it’s very serous because his very next tweet was [Cut to Donald Trump’s another tweet] “Arnold Schwarzeneggar isn’t voluntarily leaving the Apprentice, he was fired by his bad (pathetic) ratings, not by me. Sad end to great show.” [Cut to Michael Che] This guy’s train of thought is just baffling. He’s like a crazy dude on the Subway yelling, “They’re tapping my phone! Schwarzeneggar sucks. I can lick my own elbow.” Donald, just forget about ‘The Apprentice’ already. You’re the president now. You are the executive producer of the free world. It is a much more important show. And your ratings are dead last.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I do however give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week, he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction on Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good’. It is not an encouraging sign we are holding the president of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah Boy. President Trump’s speech was met with silence from the democratic party and with cheers from the sausage party.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a group of females wearing white dresses at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Female democrats wore all white outfits to show their support for the women’s suffrage movement. Either that or they were about to go to a party at P-Diddy’s house. [Picture changes to P-Diddy’s music video where everyone’s wearing full white clothes.]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

President Trump appeared optimistic saying, “Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.” Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’re going to fix something, you know they’re just gonna send some Russian dude to do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A large part of Donald Trump’s speech on Tuesday involved immigration reform which Trump arguing that we should switch between merit basis system. And its true. Unskilled immigrants coming to the US cost taxpayers money. But the second generation of immigrants adds huge value to our economy. And by the third generation, they’re president. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

[Picture changes to Statue of Liberty]

A merit based system is contrary to the whole idea of America. My Irish ancestors certainly didn’t come here because they were the best and the brightest. They came here because god took their potatoes away. And now, after decades of hard work, they have literally dozens of potatoes. That’s progress. Back to you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of soldiers at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At least they had a choice. President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a depleted military. Depleted military? In relation to what, the death star? I think our military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym slamming plates around still working on our traps. And it’s like, “Yeah, dude, we get it. You’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Steve Bashear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Kentucky governor Steve Bashear then gave the democratic response to president Trump’s speech, from what appeared to be a public school cafeteria where the lights were running on a backup generator. This didn’t exactly inspire confidence if you’re a democrat. It looks like he was trying to sell my grandparents Colonial Penn life insurance. But hey, you know, what he looks like doesn’t matter. As long as he has a clear message.

[Cut to Steve Bashear’s video]

Steve Bashear: I’m a proud democrat. But first and foremost, I’m a proud republican, and democrat, and mostly American.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow, congratulations, democrats… and republicans… but mostly Americans. Democrats have to stop forcing new leaders on us and just let us find someone who voters respond to naturally. Passionately. And then work very har to make sure he doesn’t get the nomination. [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway in White House with her legs kneeling on a sofa at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kelly Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the oval office. And sure, it does kind of look like she is searching for a Florida playlist to make her black friends dance, but I am not going to make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway, because he job sucks. You know, like when an Airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a lean cuisine? Well, that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We all have rough jobs. But could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump? I mean, look at her. Does she look like she’s in control? She looks like she should be on an informercial yelling, “But there has got to be a better way!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week it was also revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the ambassador to Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting during his confirmation hearing. Now, saying no to a question when the answer is yes, might seem like a black and white issue. But remember, black and white issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you google ‘Jeff Sessions’, ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions racist’. So that’s an improvement.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

According to reports, while Mike Pence was governor of Indiana, he used a personal AOL e-mail account to discuss sensitive matters, including Homeland Security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because hotmail was forbidden by his church.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cheers and applause]

Took you a little while.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a church at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed a church in North Carolina forced married couples to wait a year before having sex. Which means the something blue at their wedding was balls.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: For the first time in 146 years, it hs not snowed in Chicago during the months of January and February. Or all of the snowflakes were shot before they reached the ground.

[Picture changes to a Subway sandwich]

Well, I’m worried about this one. A new investigation has revealed that Subway’s chicken contains only about 50% chicken DNA. Though that’s pretty much best case scenario for a DNA swab subway.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marking March month at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Ah! That’s a harsh joke, Colin. Anyway, March is women’s history month while April is a lot of backed up dishes.

[Picture changes to a cover picture of movie “Beauty and the Beast”.]

It was revealed that the upcoming live action version of Beauty and the Beast will feature first gay character ever in a Disney movie. The first gay character? I mean, come on. [Picture changes to Ursula] She gave a mermaid a vagina. Anyway. A theater in Alabama has already refused to show this version of Beauty and the Beast, because in Alabama, gay characters have no place in a children’s musical about beastiality. I know when I found out Mr. Hands was gay, that really took me out of the video. What Alabama bigot is watching a lady make out with a big foot and thinking, “You know what has taking me out of this cartoon is that fruity ass candle.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. That’s a picture of Ghana at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The pizza chain famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana will ship New York city water to these African country to make pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana, “Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time? Guys!”

[Picture changes to the band UMichael Che]

A British songwriter is suing UMichael Che claiming that he band stole one of his songs. Though, I don’t like the songwriter’s chances because his lawyer is working pro-Bono.

[the crowd didn’t understand the joke, so he does the face-palm.]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] He insisted on telling that.

Weekend Update The Guy Who Just Bought A Boat

Colin Jost

The guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Valentine’s day is right around the corner. [Michael Che laughing] Smooth transition. Here are some tips on how to make it a special night, a guy who just bought a boat.

[The Guy slides in]

The Guy: Hey! Jost! Whoa!

Colin Jost: How are you donig?

The Guy: Tres-days, bud. Just looking dapper my friend. Tres-dap. Dap-king. Dap-king  Col. Um, I’m just kidding man. Don’t take it personally. Everybody gets a little– Um, so, V-day. Okay. Let’s get into it. First off, you got that res’, Col?

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, a what?

The Guy: Short for reservache’. [Cut to The Guy] A lot of peeps are going to say that on V-day your girl is going to want to put some sush’ in her boosh’. But I beg to diff’, alright? You’re gonna want to spring for a steak din’, okay? Something with blood. Anywhere with a fireplace, a coat check and a lady maitre d’ with ass for days. I have a small penis. Once you’ve locked down that res’, it’s on to de fleur, okay? A.K.A., that’s French for flowers. I’m talkin’ long stemmers, goys. Nothing drops the slingshot like a dozen redheads. My penis is bad. Pro-tip. Pro-tip for you dudes. Send a dozey’ imports to her office, each and every one for her co-workers is going to blow their Levis. Alright?

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Their Levis?

The Guy: Ha-ha-ha. Jost Ma-goats. And tots make boats. Um, listen. I can tell you have never done the V-D right. So, tip numero trios, [Cut to The Guy] um, light a bunch of candles all over your APT. Chicks are like moths, guys. They go crazy for flames. My junk sucks.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. At some point, were you gonna talk about boats?

The Guy: Um, I’m getting there, Lassie! You know, Collie, Colin, Colin Jost, it’s a nickname, bro! alright, let’s get this love train a scooting. [Cut to The Guy] Got to teach my peeps how to land-ho! And I don’t have long because I gotta be somewhere later. I won’t say where it is, but it’s not on land.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it a boat?

The Guy: A lady never tells. [Cut to The Guy] Um, I won’t say, but let me just say this, I’m about to get naughty, Col.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost. The Guy has his palm on his face]

[looking at Colin Jost] Alright, last but not least, [Cut to The Guy] All these tips are wasted unless that arm candy is nice and sweet. If you’re gonna tie yourself down for Doska Torse twenty-k-teen, you wanna be sure she’s a thorough braiders worther salque. Me have a tini-wini.

[Cut to The Guy and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, you have a what?

The Guy: A boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who just bought a boat, everyone!

Weekend Update on the 9th Circuit Court’s Ruling

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

So, an appeal court unanimously upheld the suspension of president Trump’s travel ban. But I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Okay. Minutes after the ruling, president Trump tweeted in all caps, “See you in court.” Honey, you can’t threaten federal judges with more court. And you just lost in court. Trump’s the guy who gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells out, “Let’s take this outside!” But then Friday, president Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order instead of appealing to the supreme court. Of course, because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, “I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.” and three days later, my account was disabled by NBC for drunk tweeting @meredithvieira.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: True. President falsely claimed in a speech that the media has purposely failed to cover terrorist attacks because when he was flipping through the channels the other night, only TBS was brave enough to air the story of the American scientist gunned down by Libyans.

[Picture changes to White House]

A new list of terrorists attacks released by the white hosue this week was also riddled with spelling errors. Or there has been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism. [Paper has “Icelandic” written instead of “Islamic”. While signing new executive orders on crime, president Trump said, “A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.” Then he spent 20minutes struggling to get into batman costume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kellyanne Conway at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Thursday, the White House quote, “counseled”, Kenlyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally ‘Counselor to President.’ Trump’s White House is so dysfunctional, that his counselor needs a counselor. That’s like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The senate voted on Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new Confederate General– sorry, Attorney General. Attorney General. Attorney General. Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986over concerns of racism. But don’t worry, if there’s one thing that makes racists better, it’s age. My grandpa is getting more and more tolerant. Now he says, “My African-American nurse is stealing from me.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Betsy Devos storming out of a school at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Keep telling your grandpa I’m not his nurse. [Colin Jost laughing] Newly confirmed secretary of education, Betsy Devos, or as I’ve been calling her Bev Bil Devos, was blocked from entering a school by protestors. You know, I can’t remember this many people freaking out over a cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, “Can you believe they’re putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?” And I was like, “There’s somebody in charge of the projects? Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?” You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I’d say this but I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just s span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero and a department store. Dude, pace yourself! Donald Trump can’t keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky fried chicken body. No wonder he is always cranky. He’s probably gassy. Plus, now every time he checks the internet he has to see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean getting his groove back. [Picture changes to Obama jet-skiing] Look at Obama. [cheers and applause] Obama is all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force smiling through a 30 second handshake with the prime minister of Japan. Like, “What the f* am I doing here?” It’s sad, man. I hope he quits. Donald, is this really how you want to spend las two years of your life?

Weekend Update Elizabeth Warren

Colin Jost

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, senator Elizabeth Warren was asked to stand down on the senate floor while reading a letter by Coretta SCott King. Here to comment is Elizabeth Warren.

[Elizabeth Warren slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. Good morning to you both and thank you. This isn’t gonna be fun but it is necessary. So, let’s start right in.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Let’s do that. Now, senator, how did you feel about being told to sit down by Mitch McConnell?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Oh, well, he did try to shut me up but nevertheless, I persisted in making trigger my B. I will never stop rooting out corruption. Which brings me to my first point, anchor Jost. We begin with the simple yes or no question. It says here that you and Michael Che are credited as full cast members on the show, is that correct?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you questioning me?

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. And yet, you’ve only performed in a 10 minute segment entitled, [looking through papers] sorry I have it here, it’s called Weekend Update. Is that– Yes?

Colin Jost: That’s correct. Yes.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: And yet, you collect the same paycheck of a cast member who appears throughout the entire show. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] That’s interesting.

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s not really the way it works, senator.

Elizabeth Warren: And is it not also true that you are currently a board member for Goldman Sachs?

Colin Jost: That is not true. NO.

Elizabeth Warren: Alright.

Colin Jost: Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Elizabeth Warren: I think it’s the hair.

Colin Jost: It feels like you’re always working, you’re always on the job senator. Aren’t there other democrats who can help you out with this?

Elizabeth Warren: No. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] It’s just me, Bernie and Schumer. That’s Amy Schumer. Which brings me to my next order of business now. Anchor Jost, is it not true that as a television personality [Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost] you’ve received freebies and swag bags from such companies as Popchips Chapstick and Jamba Juice?

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, occasionally, yeah, we get free stuff, but we don’t let it affect what we do. Right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che. He is drinking Jamba Juice]

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yet, let the record show that Che is guzzling a Razzmatazz smoothie.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. You really do not stop, senator?

Elizabeth Warren: No, I do not. My Fit Bit says ‘Check Engine’

Colin Jost: Have you always been this way?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes, actually I have. IN middle school, I was the girl who would do this. “Excuse me, excuse me, he’s writing on the desk!”

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s really fun. Now, you weren’t able to prevent any of Trump’s nominees. They all got confirmed.

Elizabeth Warren: Alright, excuse me. I am glad that you brought up president Trump. [Cut to Elizabeth Warren] I would now like to read a letter from the avclub.com concerning the time that Donald Trump hosted this–

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [interrupting] Okay, actually, we’re out of time. Sorry.

Elizabeth Warren: Am I being silenced? Mr. Chairman, I suggest the absence of the quorum.

Colin Jost: There is no quorum here. Elizabeth Warren, everyone.

Elizabeth Warren: Check twitter in two minutes.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update 50 Shades of Gray

Michael Che

Shelly Duncan… Leslie Jones

Greg Duncan… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

 Michael Che: Thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray films, many couples have been experimenting with bondage and S&M in the bedroom. Here to share their expertise is a couple who recent gave it a shot, Greg and Shelly Duncan.

[Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan slide in. Greg Duncan has black eyes and his lips are bleeding.]

 Greg Duncan: Hello. Hello, Michael.

 Shelly Duncan: Thank you for having us.

 Michael Che: Now, was it difficult to take that first step into S&M?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, if you’re like me, you might feel a little shy at first.

 Greg Duncan: Yes.

 Shelly Duncan: So, I recommend loosening up with a glass of wine or two.

 Greg Duncan: Absolutely. And going off the theme of proper preparation. It’s also important to figure out the extent to which your limbs can bend before they break. And honey, that goes for you penis as well.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Now, in 50 Shades of Gray movie, there’s a lot of spanking. Is that something you guys tried?

 Shelly Duncan: Oh boy.

 Greg Duncan: Yeah. I can take that one. [Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan] Yes, we did. But just a heads up, as a couple take the time to define what a spank is. Is it an open hand tap on the rear end? Or a closed fist punch to everywhere?

 Shelly Duncan: Gregory!

 Greg Duncan: What?

 Shelly Duncan: Keep some things private, baby.

 Greg Duncan: I’m sorry, baby.

 Shelly Duncan: But my husband makes a good point. Know what your partner feels comfortable with. Like– Are blindfolds okay?

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Yeah. Is picking your partner up over your head and burning him on an overhead light cool? Guilty?

 Shelly Duncan: Are handcuffs a fair game? In my case, yes.

 Greg Duncan: Um-hmm. Does being water boarded with your own urine turn you one? In my case, no.

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: So, this just sounds painful. What did you enjoy about it?

[Cut to Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Shelly Duncan: Well, we love getting creative and pretending to be other people. Didn’t we, baby?

 Greg Duncan: Uh-huh. I even had a little name for her. I called her mistress Xanda. And what was that little name you had for me?

 Shelly Duncan: Toilet dog. And I would say fun little things like, “Eat your fear little toilet dog. Grr!”

[Cut to Michael Che, Shelly Duncan and Greg Duncan]

 Michael Che: Yeah. Well…

 Greg Duncan: She’s shy.

 Michael Che: Yeah, she looks shy. Any final tips for viewers who might still be interested in giving S&M a shot?

 Shelly Duncan: Go for it. A little pain could make a big difference.

 Greg Duncan: Um, yeah. Also, know your blood type.

 Michael Che: Toilet Dog and Shelly Duncan, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight!

Weekend Update $18 Coffee

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a take away coffee at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new coffee shop has opened in Brooklyn that will see an $18 cup of coffee, which only makes sense to me if it was served with a side of damn $15.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of world map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An American woman set a new record by visiting every country in the world in 19 months. And after all that travel, she found the one thing that had been inside her all along. [Picture changes to a mosquito] Zika.

[Picture changes to Super Bowl logo]

A Massachusetts couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has name him Brady. While an Atlanta couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl named him, “Son of a bitch.”

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a gorrila and a Cheeto at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Cheeto that looks like the Gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe and that he also deserves to be shot.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a beach at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in England say over $60 million of cocaine washed up on a beach. For reference, here’s what $60 million worth of washed up cocaine looks like.

[Picture changes to a cocaine addict]

Weekend Update David Ortiz on New England Patriots

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow, the New England Patriots will attempt to win their fifth Super Bowl title. Here to talk about it is the biggest New England fan we know, Boston Red Sox Slugger, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

[cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yo! Yay! Yay! Yay! Whooo! Hey, como estas, Yost! Oh, are you ready for the super bowl?

Colin Jost: I am, I’m excited. I might have some people over if you want to–

David Ortiz: No.

Colin Jost: So, Big Papi, [Michael Che laughing]

David Ortiz: Yes?

Colin Jost: Do you have any kind of Super Bowl traditions you do?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah. This gonna shock you, man. But actually, I do a pretty big lunch. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you do a big lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah, big lunch for Big Papi. Yeah, we’re going to have mofongo, arroz con fideos, langosta con mantiquilla de chicharron, y cocoa de yogurt, and you konw, Yon Madden?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yon? John Madden?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. Yon Madden, man. You know, he always make a turducken, man. [Cut to David Ortiz] That’s a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken. I’m gonna make a mofunguin. That’s a mofongo inside a chicken inside a penguin. yeah. It’s a big mofongo too, so you’re gonna need a big-ass penguin.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where are you getting a penguin?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: From the zoo, bro. You know what they say, happy feet, happy in stomach.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, they don’t.

David Ortiz: Yeah, eating penguin.

Colin Jost: No one says that. Now, you’re retired from baseball, obviously. I’ve noticed you’re doing a lot more ads on TV.

David Ortiz: Oh yeah, I got a hungry mouth to feed, man. [pointing his own mouth] This one. Yeah, that’s why I do product plugs.

Colin Jost: Product plugs? You plug products on TV?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I tell you which products have plugs. [Cut to David Ortiz.] Lamps, that’s-a got a plug. Toaster, that’s-a got a plug too. Hamster wheel, that don’t need a plug. It’s-a got a hamster. [Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost] You see, it’s very educational.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I learned a lot.

David Ortiz: I also do ads for little scissors.

Colin Jost: Little Caesar’s, pizza?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. Little scissors. [Cut to David Ortiz] Do you want to give a haircut to a little baby? Or cut the toenail of a Prima Donna Iguana? Reach for little scissors. But don’t give it to a monkey, he might cut your peepee.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow.

David Ortiz: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks. I can visualize it. Thank you. So, do you have any adds running in the Super Bowl?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got one for a new sponsor, a product for everybody.

Colin Jost: Everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah. [Cut to David Ortiz] Are you really self-conscious about your body? And are you a manatee? Well, why not wear a Mana-T? A t-shirt a fat manatee can wear when he goes swimming but it no help with the boat propeller. No, no, no. Hey, do you know how the manatee got so fat?

Colin Jost: How did manatee got fat? No. How?

David Ortiz: From eating wasa cocoa con questo frito. It’s no good for manatees.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s not good for humans either.

David Ortiz: Yeah, not good for anybody.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, do you have any Super Bowl predictions?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, I predict I’m going to really enjoy Lady Haha. [Cut to David Ortiz] and I tell you this, I never bet against the Falcons. Not after Falcons tore my cousin to pieces. So? If I had to predict the final score, I’d say Falcons- 1cousin, Patriots- 100 mofongos.

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost– Not yet. Oops, sorry. I started ending it.

David Ortiz: Oh, I just leave now. Okay. Bye bye.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Big Papi, everyone. Sorry. I thought we were—

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] You just saved my job. [Colin Jost laughing]