Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Jennifer Aniston and Rachel Green

Colin Jost

Rachel… Vanessa Bayer

Jennifer Aniston

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, 90’s nostalgia is still growing as a TV trend with reboots like Fuller House and Gilmore Girls. Here to comment is Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachel slides in]

Rachel: What? Wow! Oh! Yeah! Hi, oh, oh, Colin. Yeah. Hi. Oh.

Colin Jost: Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. I’m, um, um, I’m, you know, I’m, um, um, I’m good.

Colin Jost: Wow. And now, why do you think people are so nostalgic for the 90s?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, yeah. You know, the 90s are great. You know, you go to work, uh, uh, you go on dates and you go to cafes with your friends and you all sit facing camera. Yeah! Hey, hey, you know, Joey had a really, really bad audition and we’re all gonna talk about it tonight at a– at- at the boy apartment. You, um, you should come.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a tray of cookies.]

Rachel: Oh, no. Urgh! Oh! I burned these cookies. Mon… is gonna kill me. Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Colin Jost: What just happened? What was that?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, what? Oh, yeah, yeah, I don’t know. I think that just happens when I say a sentence that, uh, uh, that sounds complete. Yeah, uh, like, uh, like, I’ll see you tonight, don’t be late.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a towel and a hairbrush.]

Rachel: Oh! Colin! Oh! You scared me. I was just in the shower. Ah!

Colin Jost: What?

Rachel: What? What? Oh, yeah. Well, uh, what, uh, yeah. Well, uh, yeah, well, what? Oh, you know, well, what? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. What? Oh, yeah.

[Jeniffer Aniston slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer and Jennifer Aniston]

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, what are you doing?

Vanessa Bayer: What? Oh, what, yeah. Hi.

Jennifer Aniston: Wait, uh, can you just– can you just drop that for a second?

Vanessa Bayer: Um, yeah.

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, come on.

Vanessa Bayer: Oh. Sorry, Jen. What re you doing here?

Jennifer Aniston: What? For the last twelve days you’ve been texting me everyday to come and visit you. Listen, honey, I know that you love F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and we had such a great time making our movie together, but you gotta really try to stop texting me everyday.

Vanessa Bayer: Yeah, I know. I just texted coz I thought we could hang, coz I don’t know, I think you’re like, the best.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, that’s so sweet, honey. You are too, but you now, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was like 5 million and five years ago, so I think we just gotta move on.

Vanessa Bayer: Well, I– I don’t know. I thought, coz I do this great bit as Rachel, so.

Jennifer Aniston: Is it a great bit though? I mean, all it kind of just sounds all you’re doing is like, “What? Oh! What? Me? Oh, wow! No! What?”

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Wow, is it like this? What? Wow!

Jennifer Aniston: No! Vanessa! No, I don’t do that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel]Come on! Phoebs! Ross! Oh, Ross!

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! Alright, fine. You wanna go grab some nachos after the show?

Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah, that’s right. You love Mexican. That’s my favorite too. Um, I’d love to. See you there!

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston, Vanessa Bayer and Colin Jost. There’s nachos on the table.]

Colin Jost: Wait! How does that happen, that’s so jarring.

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston and Vanessa Bayer]

Jennifer Aniston: I don’t know.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] What? I don’t know.

Jennifer Aniston: I do not sound like that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Oh, no. What?

Colin Jost: Jennifer Aniston and Rachel, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Willie on Thanksgiving

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, Thursday is Thanksgiving and I for one is really not looking forward to it. But here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Michael, how are you doing? Oh, I just love thanksgiving. My whole family getting together. Sitting around the table giving me ultimatum to quit drinking.

Michael Che: That sounds terrible.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Yeah. Family time is best part of thanksgiving, Michael. Reminds of me when I was a little boy. Me and my cousins going to our grandparents’ house, sneaking a sip of warm spicy cider from my grand daddy’s bedpan.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Dude!

Willie: And boy, do I miss my granny’s cooking. Oh, you would have loved her famous pecan pie. That crust was so  b, pecan so juicy, you can barely taste the legs. [Cut to Willie] I can still hear my grandmama now yelling, “It’s roaches in the pie, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That’s disgusting.

Willie: Oh? But don’t you love watching football on thanksgiving day, Michael? It reminds me of when I watched the game on TV with my daddy. [Cut to Willie] He pointed to the screen and he said, “Son, you see that man running with the ball? That’s OJ Simpson. He had sex with your mama and one day I’m gonna frame him for murder.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Come on, man!

Willie: Well, I mean, sure! I may not live a life of luxury, maybe I don’t have a coat, or toenails, but I do have something that nobody could ever take away from me.

Michael Che: What’s that?

Willie: Outstanding warrants. Let me tell you, Michael, [Cut to Willie] I can’t wait to see that Macy’s parade again. You ever gone there as a kid?

Michael Che: I have actually.

Willie: You see all those big pretty balloons? I remember every thanksgiving, my uncle Joe would show me ‘Woody woodpecker’, and then he zip up his pants drive me down to the parade.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Yeah, man. I really can’t relate to any of those stuff, Willie.

Willie: Well, you know who really loves thanksgiving, my old dog Lucias. [Cut to Willie] Yeah, every year I take him down to the turkey farm to play with the turkeys. You should see, just wrestling and trolling, feathers flying everywhere, and if you listen real close, it almost sounds like old Lucias is definitely crying for help. For like they always say, Michael, “Those turkeys are running the train on your dog, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson about Trump Presidency

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: 12 days after the election. Americans are still protesting Donald Trump’s presidency. With more on this is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! Hi, Colin. Wad up?

Colin Jost: What’s up Pete? You got some fans.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. One.

Colin Jost: How are you doing, Pete?

Pete Davidson: I’m doing pretty bad. I’m doing really bad, actually.

Colin Jost: Really? Well, I mean, you know people are bummed about the election but they ended up legalizing weed in a bunch of states. So that probably cheers you up, right?

Pete Davidson: No, but it should. But it’s that, it has ruined weed for me forever. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Coz Donald Trump being president is something I used to say when I was high and laugh at how crazy it is. And I’m high right now, and it is not funny. They say give Trump a chance and the first thing he did is hire a chief strategist who everybody is saying hates Jews. They say, “No, Bannon doesn’t hate Jewish people. He has worked alongside them.” Yeah, and Mel Gibson did four lethal weapons with Danny Glover. That proves nothing.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, do you think there could be any kind of an up side to Trump being president?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. He’ll probably reduce crime in the real estate business by no longer working in the real estate business.

Colin Jost: And what do you think the worst part of him being president is going to be?

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Well, now, anyone thinks they can run for office. Like, even Kanye thinks he could be president. He has been saying he loves Trump and is gonna run against him. Like he heard people saying, “This was greatest threat America has faced”, and he was like, “No, I’m the greatest!” Like, we as a country need to agree that if it isn’t over a sick beat, we don’t want to listen to anything Kanye West has to say ever again. Okay? That guy is crazy. Ay, I’m not innocent. I’ve said some Kanye like things, like, a few weeks ago I got into a little trouble because I said some things about my hometown. Our hometown, Staten Island. I was just kidding around when I said, “Hurricane Sandy should have finished the job.” And yeah, people were mad. But to be fair, I was raised there. So, Staten Island should kind of share some of the blame. I mean it was pretty Staten Island thing to say. And I was gonna apologize, but then I saw this. [Cut to picture of New York colored red and blue according to majority voting. Most of it has blue, but Staten Island has over 80% red.] This is how the five boroughs of New York voted. You see that big red open wound? That’s Staten Island, the herpes of boroughs. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Now do you get it? Now do you see why I can’t stand us? Like, this is what I really wanted to say. It’s like I know a lot of you are upset and scared and sad, myself included. And to everyone feeling that way, I think it’s important to hold on to that outrage. Hold on your anger and frustration and let it build and build so you can release it at the exact right moment. Thanksgiving! Your family wanted Trump? Well, this is what they’re gonna hear the whole entire day. “Hey grandpa, can you take a second away from loving Hitler to pass me the potatoes? Can’t wait to play our annual game of sheets versus skins.” Coz, I’ll be on the front lines coz I’m having thanksgiving in Staten Island.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: I was right!

Weekend Update on the Trump Administration

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hello, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

And well, one week has passed since Donald Trump’s been elected president. Now, it hasn’t been great, but it also hasn’t been good. Or, even fine. So, half of the country is worried that Trump is going to make America unsafe for women and minorities. The first guy he hired was [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] former chairman of Breitbart news and fitness enthusiast, Steve Bannon. Oh, that face though. Breitbart news has been criticized by the left for being a sexist, racist, white nationalist news site. Hah! Strong words. I don’t know if I’d call it a news site. Calling Breitbart news site is like calling the R. Kelly sex tape a romcom.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Sessions at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump also nominated Alabama senator Jeff Sessions for attorney general, even though Sessions was denied a federal position 30 years ago for making racist remarks. But you know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, wait 30 years until history lurches backwards. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] The thing that’s surprising me most about all these peeps is how lazy they are. They’re just whoever’s lying around Trump’s office. He basically did a Yelp search with a radius of 10 feet. At this point, if you just wandered into Donald Trump on the street and you are wearing a suit, there’s a 90% chance he’d make you secretary of education. And half of the guys he is picking have been unemployed. Is this what he meant by bringing jobs back? I think Trump is just surrounding himself with people who make him look better. I mean that was kind of the point of Celebrity Apprentice. People think Trump’s a great businessman because he is, compared to Brett Michaels and Lou Ferrigno.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Donald Trump was surprised by the scope of the responsibilities of a president. Yeah, dude. Being president is hard. That’s why Obama looks like he spent eight years in a turkey smoker. Obama is the only guy that gave up cigarettes and somehow looks worse. You know, I don’t even think Donald Trump ever wanted to be president in the first place. I mean nobody is judging a swimsuit contest with Dennis Rodman while also wanting to bring back jobs to rural Pennsylvania. I think he just wanted to win the election because everybody said he couldn’t. It’s like dating. Chasing someone as hard to get is always more fun that the actual relationship. He just liked the chase. He enjoyed wooing America for 18 months, he loved making crazy promises, even when the media was saying Trump was crazy, he was just like, “Baby, stop listening to your dumb fat friends. They’re just jealous.” And it worked somehow. America said yes. But now the chase is over. And the relationship starts. And it’s not fun anymore. He’s getting texts from Dennis Rodman in the middle of the night like, “Bro, let’s go hit up a pageant.” And he’s like, “I- I can’t man. She’s making me put together cabinet. I promised her a wall. I got to have dinner with China. I don’t like this.” Clearly, he’s not ready for this commitment. That’s why every time America brings up moving to DC, he’s like, “Yeah, babe. I think I’m gonna keep my place in New York.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Trump Tower and White House at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump is considering splitting his time between the White House and his Manhattan residence which would cost tax payers tens of millions of dollars. But it’s all worth it to help a billionaire go night-night in his big boy bed.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

One thing I keep hearing all week was, “Can you believe Trump is doing this?” Yeah, it’s Trump. His whole platform was about how he’s not gonna be a normal president. The only real model we have from Trump presidency is the movie First Kid. But I’m just worried it might all end, less like First Kid and more like Independence Day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Major media outlets such as CNN, The Washington Post and New York Times have criticized Trump for walking back his more controversial campaign promises. But shouldn’t the media be encouraging him when he is moving in the right direction? I mean, maybe if you ran complimentary headlines, you could trick him into doing what you really want. For example, instead of the headline that says, “Trump breaks promise to lock up Hillary Clinton”, maybe try something more positive, like, “Heroic Trump saves grandma.” Or you could change, “Trump flip flops on repealing Obamacare” to “Generous Trump honors unemployed black man’s last wish.” You see, you’ll like that.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mike Pence on Friday was ‘booed’ by the audience after seeing the Broadway hit Hamilton. Of course he was ‘booed.’ He’s the guy from Indiana who believes in gay conversion therapy. Visiting Broadway is how people from Indiana realized they’re gay.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a magazine with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson on front page at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People magazine’s sexiest man alive is Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Yeah. He once again beat his long time rival Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson. [Picture changes to The Rock with mustache]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]

I am so proud of that joke. [laughing]

Colin Jost: President Obama this week criticized the spread of fake news on social media. But can we really trust a guy who is also a secret gay alien? [picture changes to a fake news article as ‘Obama is secret gay alien’.]

[Picture changes to a millipede]

Scientists have discovered a species of millipede that have four of it’s legs modified to act as penises. And we actually have some footage of the millipede. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to a video of millipede walking. There’s edited sound of a man saying “ouch, ouch, ouch” when the millipede is walking.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New Balance logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Neo-nazi group has declared New Balance, the official shoes of white people. But if New Balances are the official shoes of white people, then what are crocs?

[Picture changes to a horse and a lion]

A man on an African safari fell off a horse while being chased by a lion. “Well, that was a close one”, said the horse.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of tinder logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The dating app tinder announced their new feature this week with give users 37 different gender identity options. It’s called, “Why democrats lost the election?”

Weekend Update- Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Not Retiring

Colin Jost

Ruth Bader Ginsberg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As president, Donald Trump is now in charge of supreme court appointments which many predict will lead to a conservative majority for decades to come. Here to comment is liberal justice, Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg slides in]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Woo! Woo! RBG in the house, baby. I’m never gonna step down now. You can’t get rid of me.

Colin Jost: But justice Ginsberg, I think everyone expected you to retire soon. I mean, you’re 83.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah. You’re damn right I was gonna retire. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Clinton was gonna win, I was going straight to the Dominican Republic. Even the last time I was there, they thought I was a zika mosquito. But not now! Not now! Now I gotta stay alive and healthy, dammit! Give me my thing. [Ruth Bader Ginsberg pulls out a packet of vitamins] Excuse me. Gotta take my vitamin.

[Ruth Bader Ginsberg raises the packet and pours the vitamin all over her mouth.]

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. That’s- That’s a packet. [Michael Che laughing] It’s good. It’s good. You got a little– kind of all over. [wiping powder off of Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s face]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: How dare?

Colin Jost: Alright. Sure. So you have no plans to leave the supreme court>

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Colin, the bench is now my porch. I’m gonna sit down on it all day and scream, “No, get out of my yard.”

Colin Jost: But come on, realistically, how long do you think you can hold on?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, forever, Colin. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] I’m eating an apple a day to keep Ben Carson away. And by apple, I mean pure human growth hormone. And if that doesn’t work, I’ve hidden horcruxes in all the taverns in the DC metro area.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, people are also worried about all these people Trump is choosing for his cabinet. You know, Newt Gingrich, Steve Bannon, Rudy Giuliani.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: No! Stop it. Too much, Colin. Is that ghoul Giuliani really gonna be our attorney general? Although, if I wanna live forever, maybe I should just let him bite me. Speaking of biting me, Giuliani, you just got Ginsburned!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Crazy on emergency right now. Now, what do you think Trump does next?

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, whatever he wants. [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg] Thanks to half the country that didn’t even vote. You know, I regretted my comments about Colin Kaepernick. Then this week, he said he didn’t vote. So, I guess this guy takes a knee on everything. And that’s a hot Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Oh god! You know, there are some people like Michael Moore too who say that Trump might get impeached before his four years are even over.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Oh, great! And then we’ll get Pence. ‘The gay people can’t get a pizza’ guy. Awesome. Even though, I’m sorry, to me he kind of looks like the neighbor who kisses Kevin Spacey in ‘American Beauty.’ Hey, Mike Pence, sorry you looked at Magnum PI once and got a quarter chub and you’e been haunted by it ever since. And that’s a gay Ginsburn!

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Justice!

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: It might not be just emergency.

Colin Jost: Um, is there anything that can be done, do you think?

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Obama can confirm Merrick Garland tomorrow. And that way, I can finally leave DC, get this little beach house in Aruba I’ve had my eye on. Um! I just need the hermit crab inside it to die and I’m in, baby! And that’s not a Ginsburn. That’s a sunburn.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Colin Jost. Music playing and Ruth Bader Ginsberg is dancing.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Ruth Bader Ginsberg, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on President-elect Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Michael Che: Hey, everybody.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Well, Colin, it’s official. Donald Trump is the next president of the United States. Ha-ha, United. You know, I didn’t want Trump to win, but as a comedian, it is a little encouraging. Coz people are always telling me, “Che, you know you can lose your job for saying that”, and now I’m like, “No, I can’t.” How did this happen? Either Donald Trump is actually a genius or Hillary Clinton hit a voodoo priest with her car. I don’t think there has ever been two more unlikable candidates. Not one time in election have I heard anyone say, “You know what? I like them both.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Donald Trump is now the oldest person ever elected president and has never held a job in government. If you’re 70 and you have no experience, you couldn’t get hired at Target. A 70 year old holding a new career is not how president supposed to work. It’s the plot of the Intern. [Picture changes to Robert De Niro’s picture from Intern.] A plot which Rolling Stone called “Pure fantasy.” It’s like if America needed life saving surgery and we could have got world’s most experienced doctors, but instead we went with a guy wearing a hat that says, “I am a good doctor.”

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Liberals did not see this coming because we’re too segregated. It’s like we forget there’s another half of the country. I didn’t think anybody would vote for Trump just like I didn’t think ‘A Madea Halloween’ would be the number one movie in America. I mean, who would choose that? Democrats got too cocky, man. They were like the Golden State Warriors winning 73 games. They won so often that they didn’t even think they could lose again. Then, they got their ass kicked in Ohio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, I know this outcome seems shocking, but remember, America’s like Leslie Jones, addicted to white guys. [Michael Che laughing] I mean, sure for a while [Picture changes to Barack Obama] our friend Barry got us clean and sober for eight years, but then uncle Donny rolled into town with a gold plane and a stack o cash, and he was like, “One more hit of a white stuff won’t kill ya!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: People are blaming Trump’s victory on racism, I disagree, coz I’m racist, I didn’t vote for Donald Trump. I think the election came down to feeling special. Donald Trump made white guys feel special again. He spoke directly to them. He mad eye contact. Gave them little hats. He made white guys feel pretty and strong. He’s like Beyonce. 54% of white women voted for Trump. You don’t think that had something to do with senior out of work depressed husbands coming home from Trump rallies all jacked up and horny, ready to seize the day?

What did surprise me was that 30% of Latinos voted for Trump. I even asked my Mexican friend. I was like, “How could you vote for Donald Trump?” And he said, “Che! I’m Mexican… I’m Puerto Rican.”

[Colin Jost laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: You didn’t know? He wasn’t sure. [laughing] Ethnicity- other. And look, I–

Michael Che: Don’t look at me.

Colin Jost: And look, I know that this seems like a huge step backwards for our country, but we have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upwards. It’s a weird rollercoaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy, and other times you’re barfing in your own face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a crowd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: If anything this election shows, just how disconnected we are from each other. Okay? I mean look at this map of votes by county. [Picture changes to US map with blue and red zones separated by votes.] You see how the democrat areas look like the metro PCS coverage zone? I mean, we’re sharing a bet together and conservatives are all sprawled out in the middle while liberals are on the edge passing aggressively tweeting. You want this relationship to work, we got to cuddle, man! We got to talk, get familiar. You can’t just wait until you’re in desperate need of attention and poke her on the back with your penis and ask, “You asleep?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Barack Obama shaking their hands at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  ON Thursday, Trump went to the White House and showed us how brave he is, by meeting face to face with the man who founded ISIS.

[Picture changes to Mike Pence]

Yesterday was announced that mike Pence will lead Trump’s transition team which is weird because normally when people transition, Pence sends them to conversion therapy.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Despite Donald Trump’s campaign promised to drain the swamp, many of the people in line for his administration are long time Washington insiders and lobbyists. Because even if you drain a swamp, it’s still full of nuts [Jebb Bush] , sleepy little turtle [Dr. Ben Carson], a hissing possum [Rudy Giuliani] and pile of wet garbage [Chris Christie].

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know you still got to drive to New Jersey, right?

Colin Jost: I just won’t take the bridge.

Michael Che: And please people… [laughing] And let’s not mourn to political career of Hillary Clinton. Okay? She’s not going anywhere. This woman is a gangster. She’s unbreakable. This is not her first upset. Okay? Hillary Clinton once lost a presidential race to a black guy named Hussain and she is still fighting. Hillary Clinton is like Roy Jones Jr., every time she gets knocked out again, I’m like, “Why are you even still doing this? Do you need money? I’ll give you money.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton facing backwards at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I’m hopeful now that Hillary can finally have some time for herself. Like, the day after the election, she was already spotted hiking in the woods near her house. And weirdly, she had already grown out a full David Letterman retirement beard. There were also some really good historical moments on Tuesday. For example, a record number of female minorities were elected to the senate. [cheers and applause] That’s what I’m saying. Let’s see all their names right now.

[Cut to the video list. The list is as short as ‘Kamala Harris, Tammy Duckworth, Catherine Cortez Masto, Mazie Hirono’.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost. He is holding his coffee mug and about to drink it.]

Wait, what? That was it? That was the record? I thought I had more time. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Walt Disney]

Disney has received permission to fly drones over it’s themed parks. In an effort to caption or kill Aladdin.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of vegetables at right top corner.]

Michael Che: “Che, I’m Mexican.” What are they thinking? [Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: So confident. [Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: Right down the part. A new study shows that people with the vegetarian diet may live longer. Okay, but for what?

Weekend Update The Voice

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, finally it’s a very special night here on Weekend Update because with us tonight are the winners of Weekend Update’s first ever, the Voice contest. Now, let’s meet those winners right now.

[Cut to Weekend Update’s The Voice video bumer]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che standing with four other gentlemen. The other gentlemen are facing backwards]

Michael Che: Now, why don’t you guys introduce yourselves to the audience and the viewers at home?

[First gentleman turns around]

Anthony: I’m Anthony Russo.

[Second gentleman turns around]

David: I’m David Ross.

[Third gentleman turns around]

Dexter: And I’m Dexter Fowler.

[Fourth gentleman turns around]

Bill: I’m Bill Murray.

Colin Jost: Okay. Aright. Alright, now– [audience won’t stop cheering] alright– alright– now– now– now– okay– guys, we have a contest. Guys, can you please put into words what it feels like to be named the first winners of Weekend Update’s The Voice contest?

Anthony: It’s unbelievable.

David: I can’t describe it.

Dexter: This is the best thing we’ve ever done.

Colin Jost: And now, I have to ask. You in the end, you look familiar. Did you use to work here?

Bill: I did.

Michael Che: I knew it. I knew it.

Bill: But that was so many life times ago. Right now, for me, it’s all about music.

Colin Jost: I see. And, um, what song is it that you’ll be performing.

Bill: it’s an original composition entitled ‘Go Cubs Go’.

Colin Jost: That sounds fantastic.

[many other join them]

Michael Che: Wait a second. Who are these guys?

Bill: They are back up singers. We didn’t know it was against the rules.

Colin Jost: We’ll overlook it. Take it away guys.

[Colin Jost and Michael Che leave and they start to perform]

[music playing]

Bill: Baseball season’s underway

Dexter: Well you better get ready for a brand new day

David: Hey Chicago, what do you say?

Anthony: The Cubs are gonna win today

All: They’re singing go Cubs go

go, cubs, go
hey, Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are gonna win today

Bill: They got the power, they got the speed

All: To be the best in the national league

Well, this is the year and the Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley field

We’re singing now, go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?
The Cubs are World Champs today

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

All: Go Cubs go
go Cubs go
hey Chicago, what do you say?

Weekend Update on the Final Days of the Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Thank you for joining us. This is the last weekend update before the presidential election. Are you excited Michael?

Michael Che: Hello, no.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well…

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking November 2016 at left top corner.]

The election is only three days away now. But remember, it’s not over till the fat lady sings. And there’s no way Trump is letting a fat lady anywhere near him. We thought this election was over two weeks ago. Then in the spirit of Halloween, the FBI dropped a flaming bag of dog crap [picture changes to a bag that has ’emails’ written on it] on our doorstep and ran away. They gave us no clue about all these emails and what they’re about. Hillary could be involved, or maybe not. It could be full treason or just a casual chat about yoga. We don’t know. The FBI basically sent us this emoji. [Picture changes to an expressionless emoji] What do we do with that?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that it will take the FBI well pass the election to get though all 650,000 emails, which just seems ridiculous to me. I mean, the fastest way to get through that emails is to just leave your laptop open at your girlfriend’s house. Go to the bathroom and take a long shower. Believe me, three days later when you ask where she wants to eat, she’s gonna be like, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask that funky bitch Benghazi?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a laptop and FBI logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And of course, this all involves this idiot. [Picture changes to Anthony Weiner] Because a Weiner always pops up at the worst possible time. He had 650,000 emails in his computer, and that’s just the laptop he shared with his wife. Imagine how much weird stuff he’s got on that old Dell computer he has hidden in the floorboard.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It is fascinating to see the double standard. I mean, just the mystery of what Hillary could be hiding in those deleted emails is somehow worse than what we’ve actually heard Donald Trump say. I bet Hillary is thinking, “Why did I even throw those emails out?” That’s like giving up weed for job interview and then losing that job to a crackhead. It doesn’t make sense.

You know what? If I was Hillary, I’d just make up a bunch of ridiculous Trumpy sounding emails and just hand them over to the FBI right now. Like, here you go. 31,000 hilarious emails about me grabbing Donald and calling Chinese people Ninja Turtles.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then Melania Trump made a rare campaign speech on Thursday and said that as first lady she would fight against bullying on social media, and we must treat each other with respect and kindness. Donald Trump called his wife’s speech [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Sad, fake and gay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a newspaper at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Donald Trump also received the endorsement of official newspaper of the KKK. What are the odds? What was that meeting even like? Just some dude in the KKK like, “Now Earl, hear me out, but what if this time we endorse the white man?” Also, this is the first time I’m hearing about a KKK newspaper and I absolutely subscribed. I just want to see if there’s a sports section.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and fireworks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And it was reported that Hillary Clinton has already booked election night fireworks display over the Hudson river. Either to celebrate her victory or to visually demonstrate how her campaign exploded. Too real? She’s also holding a massive rally Monday night what they’re calling an Avenger line up, of President Obama, Michelle, Bill Clinton and Joe Biden. But if you’re Hillary, maybe don’t call me an Avengers, because it just makes us think about which Avenge Hillary is. And girl, you Hawk Eye.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: But no matter who wins this election, [patriotic music playing in the background] we can’t let political parties and media divide us, okay? We’re not different. We’re all the same. We have basic needs. We have the same basic wants. We all want respect. We all own a sweater that we’ll never wear but we’ll never throw away. We all have that one line of a dumb song that we don’t even like stuck in our heads for days at a time. We all say “You too” when our daily guys says, “Hey, have a good show, man!” And then walk away mumbling to ourselves like, “Why am I so stupid?” Because we’re all the same. Who cares if we can’t agree on global warming or religion. It doesn’t matter. Because some day, we’re all gonna drown and burn in hell together.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a US flat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, people need to trust Americans to make the right decision. That is how democracy works. Sometimes we make great decisions, like serving McDonalds breakfast all day. And sometimes we make terrible decisions like eating McDonalds breakfast all day. And I know, right now it seems like we’re hopelessly divided but soon we’ll all come together as a country to begin that long journey toward impeaching whoever we just elected. Because on Tuesday, the fate of our country is finally in the hands of the people who truly matter. The Russian teenagers who hack into our voting machines.

Weekend Update Church Lady

Colin Jost

Church Lady… Dana Carvey

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A Catholic church in San Diego has warned parishioners that they will go to hell if they vote for democrats. Here to comment on the state of the election, it’s Church Lady.

[Church Lady slides in]

[Cheers and applause]

Church Lady: Hi. Hello, Colin. thank you for having me on your little midnight show.

Colin Jost: It’s so nice to have you.

Church Lady: What delightful job you have.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Church Lady: Instead of resting up for church, you’re staying up late making naughty jokes about Anthony’s weiner. Not quite the path of Jesus, is it?

Colin Jost: Well, I think that Jesus appreciates a good joke, doesn’t he?

Church Lady: Jesus loves a good joke. So that would leave you out of the equation, wouldn’t it, Colin?

Colin Jost: I thought we had some fun jokes, you know? They were alright.

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special?

Colin Jost: Alright. So, what are your thoughts about this election?

Church Lady: Well, it’s a tough choice we have on Tuesday, don’t we, Colin? Do we vote for a bitter female android from the 90s? Or riverboat gambler with a big tummy and an orange head?

Colin Jost: So, you have not chosen a candidate yet?

Church Lady: Jesus is not on the ballet, Colin. I suppose he’s not part of your life either, is he? Because like everyone else in Hollywood, you’re a homosexual.

[audience laughing]

Colin Jost: Why are you laughing? I’m actually not gay.

[Church Lady giggling]

Church Lady: Your’e too good, dear Jost. Colin, really. Seriously, that is so funny. Stay there. Stay in the cover, Mr. Good.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Church Lady: Colin, by my count, there are only three celebrities left who aren’t homosexual. Jim Parsons, Niel Patrick Harris and wonderful Nathan Lane.

Colin Jost: Actually, all of them are gay. Yeah, that’s–

Church Lady: Oh! News flash.

Colin Jost: Why don’t we just focus on the election? Can we stay in election?

Church Lady: Yeah, let’s just stay real micro managed right now. Focus. Tuesday. Yes. Absolutely. Who are you gonna support, Colin?

Colin Jost: Me?

Church Lady: I suppose you’re gonna write in your favorite candidate… Satan!

Colin Jost: Well…

Church Lady: I surprised you, didn’t I? I just jumped at you. Don’t make me do it again.

Colin Jost: No. I’m not voting for Satan.

Church Lady: Oh! Well, well, well. You know, you’re just a late night comic with a belly full of booze and a dressing room full of whores. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I’m not drunk.

Church Lady: Yes, you are.

Colin Jost: Maybe a little buzz.

Church Lady: Um-hmm. Smoking the pot now, are we? Sucking on the devil’s cigarette. That must be why you’re not the crispiest chip in the bag.

Colin Jost: Look, is there anything out there right now that you do like?

Church Lady: West World. Yes.

Colin Jost: You like– I love that show. I’m surprised you like it.

Church Lady: What’s not to like, Colin? A land of naked cowboy robots fornicating. They should have called it West Hollywood. Too soon?

[Colin Jost laughing]

Colin Jost: It just seems like everything in the world you think is just in such a bad state.

Church Lady: You know what? You know what? I never lost hope, Colin. And what a lovely country we have here. Sometimes I look around, I think to myself, “What a wonderful world.”

Colin Jost: Oh, no. You’re not gonna sing, are you?

[music playing]

[Cut to Church Lady]

Church Lady: [singing] I see skies are blue,
red roses too
I see them bloom
for me and you
and I think to myself
what a wonderful world

Yes I think to myself
what a wonderful world.

Colin Jost: Church Lady, everyone.