Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a bear at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A couple in Russia invited a bear to be a witness at their wedding. There were no survivors. [Picture changes to a syringe] A group of men were criticized for dropping out of a male birth control study because of side effects like headaches, mood swings and acne. See, this is why women should be in full control of all reproductive rights. Men are not going to take birth control because pregnancy just doesn’t affect our bodies. When a woman gets pregnant, she has to decide whether or not she wants a human being to grow inside of her. Meanwhile, I get nine months to decide whether to buy a stroller or a bus ticket. It’s usually stroller. Men wouldn’t care about side effects if it did something good for us. Like, Cialis could cause blindness and you still hear horny old blind dudes ratting around the streets looking for ass. And what women would even trust a dude that keep up with birth control? I mean, if a guy is responsible enough to keep up with his birth control, he wouldn’t need it coz he’d probably make a great father.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people on marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Something to think about. This Sunday is the New York city marathon. The marathon is a great chance for foreigners to practice running for their lives. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Weekend Update on the Third Presidential Debate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, good evening everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Well, this Wednesday was the series finale of the American Horror Story Debates. This was the calmest of the three debates and also weirdly the most hostile. It was like a Connecticut Thanksgiving. Everyone was dressed up nice. They were polite for about 30 minutes, then your uncle had a drink, your aunt mentioned abortion, and your uncle threatened to burn the house down. But I can already tell, I’m gonna miss these debates. They were just such great television. And Donald Trump might be my favorite TV character of all time. He’s like Kramer, you know? His high energy, his plans are insane and it’s only a matter of time before he shouts the N word on stage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Cut some meat. At the debate, Hillary called Trump the most dangerous person to run for president in modern history. Yeah, but you still only polling in 5 points better than him. So, let’s not get too cocky. Trump’s campaign is literally a full diaper. And 40% of the country is like, “Ah! At least he’s not Hillary Clinton.” Maybe people would like Hillary more if she didn’t get rid of 33,000 emails like she was Lorraine Bracco flushing coke at the end of Goodfellas. Don’t pretend that that’s not suspicious. The only reason anybody would even have 33,000 emails is because they keep all their emails and getting rid of all of them in one time is like going to a Hoarder’s apartment and it’s suddenly empty and smells like bleach, and they’re like, “What 33,000 cats? I don’t know.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the debate, Trump said that the women accusing him of sexual assault are just looking for “their 10minutes of fame’. But the expression is of the 15 minutes of fame. Trump is so cheap, he is lowballing them on their minutes of fame.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump also restated that nobody respects women more than he does. Nobody? What about other women? What about Rupaul? Now, he respects women. That dude squeezes a size 12 foot in a pumps to leto just as a tribute everyday. Maybe Trump thinks nobody respects women more than him because all his closest friends are Mike Tyson, Roger Ailes and Gary Busey. Yeah, compared to them, Donald Trump is Tina Fey, I guess.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Trump also refused to say if he would accept the results of the election if he loses. And this is what he had to say.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Keep us in suspense. It’s like he is still hosting a reality show. And I’ll tell you, if I’m going to tear apart the fabric of our democracy, right after the break. Meanwhile, his running mate [Picture changes to Mike Pence] Mike Pence disagreed and said he will accept the results of the election. Unless they’re gay. And of course, Trump keeps saying this whole time that the media is rigging the election against him. But why would the media rig against him? He is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Who do you think they’d rather spend the next four years covering? [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] A grandma who loves secrets or a [Picture changes to Donald Trump] human airhorn who screams every thought in his head and can’t swing his arm without grabbing a lady’s ass?

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Well. Trump may have a point. It does seem like virtually every media outlet is doing everything in their power to prevent Trump presidency. The media is acting like the sober girls at a bar making sure their country doesn’t go home with that scuzzy orange dude. They’re like, “America, no! Get in the car. We’re going home with Hillary.” And Trump is like, “Stop hating. Let her decide for herself.” It’s just weird for you to say the system is rigged now. I mean there were 43 white male presidents in a row, and now one black guy and maybe one woman, and now you’re sensing a pattern of unfairness? I don’t even feel comfortable arguing about this. An old white billionaire is on TV telling the world the system is rigged. And my black ass is arguing that it’s not. This just feels wrong. Our world is colliding. What will this lead to? How crazy would it be if Kolin Kaepernick is kneeling for the national anthem and Donald Trump is kneeling right next to him like, “Yeah, me too.”

Weekend Update Leslie Jones on Cyber Security

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The ongoing release of hacked emails by wikileaks has made cyber security a prominent issue in this election. Here to comment on this is our own Leslie Jones.

[Michael Che slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: Thank you Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: It is great to have you, Leslie. Now, what do you think of all this email hacks.

Michael Che: Well, Colin, um, I was recently hacked myself.

Colin Jost: Really? I didn’t know that.

Michael Che: Yeah. All they did was release nude pics of me, which is nothing because I don’t know if y’all notice about me but I ain’t shy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I actually notice that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Of course you notice, honey bunches of Jost. I am very comfortable with who I am. [Cut to Michael Che] I am an open book. I keep my porn in a folder labelled ‘Porn’. If you wanna see Leslie Jones naked, just ask! Just ask! What I’m trying to say is, if you wanna hurt anybody these days, you gonna have to do way more than leak their nudes or call them names. You can’t embarrass me more than I have embarrassed myself. I know all the details, coz I was there. I was there in the third grade when I told this boy Johnny I liked him and he hit me in the back of my head with a rock. I was there when I had a fake wetting with El DeBarge in my bedroom. I was there when Prince was walking towards me smiling all happy to see me until he realized that I was not Chris Rock.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. Prince though you were Chris Rock?

Michael Che: Yeah, man. In the dark we look alike. Hot top, fair teeth. Anyway– [laughing] Colin, do you think some words in the internet can hurt me? [Cut to Michael Che] I once had a crazy bitch try to beat me with a shovel at a bus stop because I took her spot on the bench. Now, that’s a troll. Real trolls ain’t tapping on keyboards. They swing in shovels. Okay? And if I was good at computers, I wouldn’t wasting trolling on people. I would do something useful like, renew my driver’s license from home. I would hack into Tinder and delete all those other girl’s profiles so no matter where you swipe, you get me. You in Missouri? You gonna get me. You in the middle of the ocean? You gonna get me.

Matter of fact, if I was that good at computers, I would build a man. A perfect masculine robot man. Okay? Forget about West-World. I’m talking about Leslie World. Full of perfect robots with perfect penises.

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, perfect penises?

Michael Che: Yeah. Like you, but bigger, Colin.

Colin Jost: I- I- I was in the middle of the ocean. So Leslie, you seem pretty unphased by all these online troll.

Michael Che: Colin, let me tell you something. [Cut to Michael Che] I have spent decades getting roasted by comedians. Black comedians, at that, okay? The guy that played the crackhead from the movie Friday has a whole hour on my feet. [Michael Che laughing] So trust me, at a certain point, you stop being embarrassed and start being you. And I have been me for 49 years because the only person who can act me is me. Alright? And my firewall is a crazy bitch with a shovel. Okay?

[Cut to Michael Che and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, everyone!

Michael Che: Just ask!

Weekend Update Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with on the 2016 Election

Michael Che

The Girl… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the election only two weeks away, both candidates are trying to get a final message out there to their supporters. Here with her final thoughts in this election is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with a party.

[The Girl slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The Girl: Wow! Hello, Michael Che. Thanks for finally letting a woman on late night TV.

Michael Che: So, I assume you’re not happy with the election.

The Girl: Here’s a thought, Michael. Maybe try being woke for a change, okay? Coz, um, Kevin can wait but Syrian referees can’t, okay? A news flash, Michael! 40% of children are just their legs. And that’s according to doctors, Michael Che!

Michael Che: Yeah, okay, can you just please tell us about the candidates?

The Girl: Please, do not man-terrupt me when I’m wo-making a point, Michael! This election is a misgrace, okay? This is a colastamy, Micahel Che. And I’m sorry, if I can play double’s abacus for just a second, [Cut to The Girl] and if we all know the real reason Julian Assange is in jail, and that’s coz she’s a woman. Do you even know what women have to do when we go vote, Michael? We have to show our IUD. I’m sorry, that’s outrageous. That’s called the bubble standard! [Cut to Michael Che and The Girl] You know what I have to say to that?

Michael Che: What?

The Girl: Baaa! Baaa! Baaa!

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: That’s the impression of you.

Michael Che: Okay.

The Girl: Coz you’re a sheep-ball.

Michael Che: Jesus!

The Girl: Quick, who are you going for as Halloween?

Michael Che: I don’t really dress–

The Girl: [interrupting] I’m going as justice. David Justice.

Michael Che: The baseball player?

The Girl: Wow! So all black guys are just athletes to you?

Michael Che: No, he played baseball.

The Girl: No Michael, you just played yourself.

Michael Che: Oh, my god!

The Girl: [looking away] Sis!

Michael Che: What? Is your sister here?

The Girl: No. I’m calling out sis gendered people out there. [The Girl is using her phone] I’m serious Michael, I need to go to Cuba so bad before white people ruin it.

Michael Che: Alright, you haven’t said anything about the election. Can you just at least tell me who you’re voting for?

The Girl: How dare you? That’s called voter-insemination, what you’re doing. I’m sorry. My friend’s vlogs were right about you.

Michael Che: Alright.

The Girl: You know what? Fine! You know what? Maybe I should just tell a joke instead, right? Since that’s what this whole election is anyway.

Michael Che: Fine! Tell us a joke.

The Girl: Knock, knock.

Michael Che: Who’s there?

The Girl: Interrupting polar bear.

Michael Che: Interrupting po–

The Girl: [interrupting] It’s too late! Global warning already killed him. Now he stinked!

Michael Che: He stinked?

The Girl: Yeah, that’s right. He stinked. So why don’t you just call me Samsung Galaxy? Coz I just blew your mind up!

Michael Che: [laughing] Girl at a party, everyone!

The Girl: Free El Chipo!

Michael Che: It’s El Chapo! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Walmart at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Utah gave birth to her baby while in a Walmart checkout line. This according to the Janitor’s resignation letter.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Michael Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Michael Moore released a surprised new movie called Trumpland which urges people not to vote for Trump. So if you’re person who loves Michael Moore and you’re still in the fence about Trump, you don’t exist.

[Picture changes to Chicago Cubs]

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs who just defeated the Dodgers to reach the world series for the  first time in 71years. Oh, man! Another out come, rigged by Hillary Clinton. [Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin]

The most popular Halloween costumes this year are Harley Quinn, Kylo Ren and Dracula. Sorry, Rudy Guiliani. [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani posing like a Dracula.]

Weekend Update on Donald Trump’s Sexual Misconduct Allegations

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Election 2016 at left top corner.]

This week was filled with shocking allegations of misogyny and crude comments about women. And those were just the allegations against [Picture changes to Ken Bone] Ken Bone. The bigger story of course this week [Picture changes to Donald Trump] is that Donald Trump has been accused of a range of sexual misconduct by now 10 different women. But the truth is, they’re still just allegations. This is America and Trump is entitled to a defense. So, let’s hear him out.

[Cut to video of Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: When you looked at that horrible woman last night, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. That wouldn’t be my first choice for a defense. If she wasn’t your first choice, the problem is you weren’t here choice, period! And what are you trying to tell us exactly? If you did find her more attractive, then you would have groped her? It’s like telling your girlfriend, “Oh, come on. I would never cheat on you baby. I don’t even have any good options right now.” And by the way, we’d probably believed Trump more if while he talked he wasn’t groping the air the entire time.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of different women at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump of course is claiming his accusers are only coming out now for fame and publicity. Yeah, that’s every little girl’s dream. To be forever known as the 7th woman groped by Donald Trump. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] He also believes these accusations are part of a conspiracy to rid the election. Only Donald Trump could have sex scandals, no political experience, poll at 0% with minorities and still say, “If I lose, it’s rigged.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And then this morning, Trump tweeted [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Nothing ever happened with any of these women. Totally made up nonsense to steal the election. Nobody has more respect for women than me!” [Cut to Colin Jost] Now, of course we know when Trump tweets, he sometimes makes some typos. So, maybe let’s just correct that one at the end for him. “Nobody inspects women more than me!” Yes, I got that.

And now republicans are worried that Trump’s tanking so hard that they might actually lose control of the house. Which could be the first time Trump’s ever gotten white people evicted from a building. [Picture changes to United States Capitol.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It’s pretty funny to watch republicans jump off board on Trump now. Like, now? It took you till now? It’s like when people tell me, “You know who is talented is that Kendrick Lamar.” And I’m like, “Yeah, you think?”

But say what you will about Donald Trump, his supporters are sticking by him. There are still women on TV defending Donald Trump. How are these women so forgiving of Donald Trump? I once reposted a twerk video of Facebook and my own mother blocked me. There is people that love Donald Trump so much that they’re willing to overlook these allegations and I can understand that. Look, I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson because of ‘Thriller’, and ‘Off the wall’. But that doesn’t mean I can’t admit that he has done some terrible things too. Like that Invincible album, or that song you made with Eddie Murphy. What was that? It was almost as bad as the stuff you did to those kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Cool. Meanwhile, wikileaks released all these emails from Hillary’s campaign and no one’s talking about them because the Trump stuff is so much more ridiculous. Who would have thought that [Picture changes to Julian Assange.] master mind hacker Julian Assange would do less damage than Access Hollywood’s [Picture changes to Billy Bush] Billy Bush. And now at this point, [Picture changes to Election 2016] this whole election is like the movie Up. It got really sad really fast. And no matter who wins, we’re gonna still have to come together as country after to deal with our problems. We can’t just balloon our way out of it like this guy who, [Picture changes to the old man character of the movie Up] let’s face it, is definitely a Trump supporter. That’s why it upset me when Bill Clinton came out and dismissed all Trump supporters as ‘Basic Rednecks’, coz after the election when we go to war with Russia, the people we’re gonna ask to go and fight that war are the people you just called ‘Basic Rednecks’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of US map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, Bill, you’re a little too old to be using that word ‘basic’. And yeah, if we have a war, I don’t want a bunch of snarky liberals out there fighting for me, with their good taste and skinny jeans. I want somebody that dresses like John Cena, listens to Nickelback and has never met an Asian. That’s who is going to kick some ass. I’ll call liberals when I want a pointed think piece.

Weekend Update Olya Povlatski

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Russia of course has played a large part in the US election this year with near constant accusations of hacking and cyber attacks. Here to commend from a remote village in Russia is Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya Povlatski slides in]

Olya Povlatski: Hey!

Colin Jost: Hi, Olya, it’s so good to see you.

Olya Povlatski: Look who it is, Mr. Colin Jost. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Well, well? What did I do?

Olya Povlatski: Nothing. I’m telling you where all my sisters died. Well, well, well.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Now Olya, let’s just talk about some of this hacking that’s going on right now in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: Argh! These Russians, they love to hack, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] That’s why I have very strong password no one can guess, okay? It’s the noise I make every morning when I wake up. [Olya Povlatski makes groaning sound] But all the Os are zeros. Shh.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really smart. That’s clever. Now, um, Russia has obviously been narrow mixed up in our election. Have you been following our election as result?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, I even– I watched the debate on Sunday.

Colin Jost: You watched the debate?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] I really– I related to this Hillary Clinton because I have also been attacked by a dog for 90 minutes. But, now we’re engaged. So you never know, you know?

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Congratulations.

Olya Povlatski: Thank you so much.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And did you see the video of Donald Trump with Billy Bush?

Olya Povlatski: Oh, yeah. Colin, that was so hard to watch the video. A whole bus for just two people? It’s a waste.

Colin Jost: Yeah. And now with all the stuff, all the tension between US and Russia, there’s talk that there could be a nuclear war. Does that worry you?

Olya Povlatski: I’m not worried, Colin. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Everyday I do nuclear bomb drill. This is where I run into open field and  I scream, “Come to me, bomb. Blow me up. Send me back to hell.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright.

Olya Povlatski: That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: That’s what you do. What do you think about Russians hating– you know, Americans hating Russians right now?

Olya Povlatski: It’s nothing new, Colin. Okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Look at your movies. We are always the villain. If you are in American movie and you have my accent, the only line you’ll ever get to say is this, “You have 24 hours.”

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, I love that movie. It’s a great movie.

Olya Povlatski: You lucky you’re cute. But not all Russians are pure evil, okay? [Cut to Olya Povlatski] Some of us just like to chill, kick back, you know, sing hottest new song in Russia.

[singing] A little bit of Monica  by my side
A little bit of Monica on my right
A little bit of Monica on the roof
A little bit of Monica in the field

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s actually not how that song goes.

Olya Povlatski: No. Yes, it is. [Cut to Olya Povlatski] In Russian version, Monica has been torn to pieces by ravens. And there is bits of Monica everywhere. This song is called lucky Monica.

[Cut to Olya Povlatski and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Lucky Monica. Okay. I gotta got to say. I can’t believe that life is actually that bad in Russia.

Olya Povlatski: You know what? You’re right. it’s not, Colin. There is good stuff in my life. I just got my first phone.

Colin Jost: Your first phone?

Olya Povlatski: Yes. It’s Samsung Galaxy 7.

Colin Jost: Oh! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Samsung Galaxy, they’re being recalled because they’re actually exploding.

Olya Povlatski: Why do you think I sleep with it in my mouth, Colin?

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatski, everyone.

Weekend Update Laura Parsins

Michael Che

Laura Parsins… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casters of Tomorrow segment where a kid joins us to give news from their perspective. Tonight we have a young actress who’s in the Disney XD original movie ‘The Dolphin Diaries’, please welcome Laura Parsins.

[Laura Parsins slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Laura Parsins: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
hey, Michael Che, did you hear today
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: Oh. Thanks for coming, Laura.

Laura Parsins: I hear Emily Blunt is here and she is the new Mary Poppins.

Michael Che: That’s right. She’ll be in a new movie.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: I’m supercalifragilistic, XP available. [speaking in accent] Hello governor.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura! I don’t think audition is being held right now. Why don’t you just tell us what’s going on in the news.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: Well, there’s a big election coming up. Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. And some people say Donald Trump is a bully because he calls people names. He might have said some bad things to a lady on a plane.

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: That’s right.

Laura Parsins: [yelling] And then he shoved his hands up her skirt.

Michael Che: Laura! This is– This is an adult subject. You know what sexual harassment is? Or assaule?

Laura Parsins: I think so. It’s when the boos looks at you and says, “Hi Chucks, if you want this job, you better give me the goods.”

Michael Che: Alright. Maybe– Alright, maybe you do know what it is. Um, I hope that’s not the only thing you learned about this election.

Laura Parsins: Of course not. Our teacher asked us to watch the debates. It’s so cool. Regular citizens get to ask the candidates the questions. Like, Ken Bone. He’s a big huggable man in a red sweater.

Michael Che: I saw him. He seemed very nice.

Laura Parsins: I thought so too until he got on Reddit and talked about my favorite actress Jennifer Lawrence.

Michael Che: Alright, Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] He said he liked her butthole.

Michael Che: Laura! [Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che] You can’t talk like that.

Laura Parsins: Why not? Billy Bush said bad things and my mom says he might get $10 million… [yelling] from this network.

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsins: [speaking accent] I’m on a diet. I need a nanny.

Michael Che: There’s no Mary Poppins audition, Laura. Let’s talk about something fun. What’s something fun that you’re into?

Laura Parsins: Well, my school had a circus last week. You could dress up as an acrobat or an animal or a clown.

Michael Che: Oh, that’s cool.

[Cut to Laura Parsins]

Laura Parsins: It sure is. They love clowns. Except in South Carolina [yelling] where they’re luring kids into the woods.

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Laura Parsins: [yelling] Best case scenario, you’re a molester.

Michael Che: Alright! Thank you, Laura. You were great. You did fantastic.

Laura Parsins: I was? Wow. Guess I passed the audition. [Cut to Laura Parsins] [singing] And that’s in the news

[Cut to Laura Parsins and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Laura Parsins. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of earth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that the best place in the world for young girls to live is Sweden, while the worst place for young girls to live on your hard drive. I said worst place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, this will get you back. A man in California was attacked by bears after he interrupted them having sex. Even worse, they were having sex with his wife. We tried. [Michael Che laughing] And in some very exciting news tonight, the Nobel prize for literature went to Bob Dylan. Even more shocking, Nobel prize for medicine went to Dr. Dre.

Weekend Update Two Undecided Voters

Colin Jost

Denise McDonough… Tina Fey

Doreen Troilo.. Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As poll numbers in swing states remain close, they are speculating that this election could be decided by the female voters of suburban, Philadelphia. Please welcome two undecided voters from Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo.

[Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Doreen Troilo: Hi, Colin.

Denise McDonough: Hi, Colin Jost. Hi, Che.

Colin Jost: Hi there.

Doreen Troilo: We brought you some hogies. [passes the hogies to Colin]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! It’s a hogie. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, ladies, how dies it feel to be the most saw after voters of the country right now.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: I think it’s fun.

Doreen Troilo: I love it.

Colin Jost: And have you decided who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Denise McDonough: Colin, I’m torn from a scooter accident, but I also don’t know whom to vote for.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, me neither. I don’t know. I think they’re both bad.

Denise McDonough: Whatever. You love Trump.

Doreen Troilo: I don’t love Trump.

Denise McDonough: Yeah, well stop acting like you do. Everyone thinks you love Trump. You’re always like, “Oh, his hair is real, you know?”

Doreen Troilo: I said it one time. Get off my bra strap, please. I don’t like Trump. I don’t like he– I don’t like that he called Alicia Machado fat.

Denise McDonough: Ah! I know, right? It’s like, does this guy have mirrors in his house? He looks like someone opened a case to pick the chicken out.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you guys think of Secretary Clinton?

Denise McDonough: Hah!

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Undecided, yeah.

Colin Jost: Really?

Doreen Troilo: She lied about her emails. She lied about Benghazi. She pretended to be surprised on Steve Harvey. She also called people a basket of diplorables. And that’s not a phrase.

Denise McDonough: Here’s my call. Hillary’s husband cheated on her and I don’t like the way she handled it.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, you think it was not feminist of her to sort of discredit Jennifer Flowers like that?

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: What? No. I don’t like that she didn’t finish the job. That girl has been banging your husband for 12years, at very least you gotta cut off her ponytail.

Doreen Troilo: Yeah. Very minimum, you cut the ponytail.

Denise McDonough: Gotta go through the tail. When a girl so much–

Doreen Troilo: Cut the ponytail hard.

Denise McDonough: Colin, right?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Doreen Troilo: Colin Jost, we brought you some hogies. [Colin Jost laughing] I apologize. I’ve been on vacation to my accent.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Once a year, she goes to Jamaica. He accent’s gone.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Denise McDonough: Colin Jost, when a girl so much is flirting with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: This one’s not playing games.

Colin Jost: No. She’s not. [Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost] Now, how do you feel about these shocking revelations where Donald Trump said when you’re a star, you can do anything to women.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Ah!

Doreen Troilo: I get it.

Denise McDonough: It doesn’t bother me.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? I thought you guys would be mad about that one.

Denise McDonough: No. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] When you’re a big star like that, the rules are different. Like, if you’ve ever been to the Philadelphia mummers parade on New Years, have you ever been to that Colin Jost?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Denise McDonough: Oh, you should go. It’s terrible. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] Anyways, a lot of the guys in the clown brigade are already drunk. And you’re like, sometimes they might honk your boob on the way down the street and like– I think Trump is just kind of like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost:  So, he’s like a drunk clown on the street?

Denise McDonough: Yeah, like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Men are always gonna be gross. You remember when you and me and Patrice punched our way to the front row of the Hooter’s concert at the Mad Music Center?

Denise McDonough: Yes.

Doreen Troilo: The guy blows keyboard pulled me up on my perm and went to town on me like I was his mouth piano.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think it’s called the melodica.

Doreen Troilo: But it’s also called two free t-shirts and a ride home. So, don’t judge me. It was like, four years ago.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: You know, of all of them the one that I think is secretly the biggest jackass, Mike Pence.

Doreen Troilo: You don’t like Pence? He seems like the normal one.

Denise McDonough: Umm-umm. He seems normal coz he’s next to Trump. He’s really beef from back to the future. You know he backed that law in Indiana saying like, if your’e real Jesusy, you can refuse to sell pizza to gay people. First of all Indiana, no one wants your garbage pizza.

Doreen Troilo: You know that crust with no tweakiness.

Denise McDonough: Also, it’s 2016. Like, what old white man thinks he’s still in charge of gays and women? It’s like if I want to feel like it’s the 50s again, I’ll put on my pink lady’s jacket from the party that we had for your 40th.

Doreen Troilo: Party that we had for my 40th.

Denise McDonough: So fun.

Doreen Troilo: So fun. It was so fun.

Denise McDonough: And I’ll start a conversation with my grandpa, Colin Jost, who is deep in throws of dementia.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, sorry.

Doreen Troilo: This is why I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed Colin Jost. We brought you hogies. We brought you hogies.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Thank you for the hogies. Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, I’ll probably put on after Halloween Wars.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Oh, that show is my favorite. They do pumpkins and candy.

Doreen Troilo: They do chocolate work and bacon in pumpkins. They all work together to make something really creepy.

Denise McDonough: Why can’t our country be like Halloween Wars? We are creepier together.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, so you’re voting for Hillary.

Denise McDonough: Umm..

Doreen Troilo: Probably right in the haters.

Colin Jost: Two undecided voters from suburban, Philadelphia, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.