Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Going Bald

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The CDC is warning of an increase in opioid overdoses and is costing Americans $78 billion a year. With more on this is resident young person, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Thank you. Not anymore. Wally, change the cue card. I am no longer a young person, okay? My career is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, Pete, what are you talking about?

Pete Davidson: It happened, Colin. I started going bald. I’m on propecia now.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. Propecia? What is that?

Pete Davidson: Sure Colin, sure. Okay.

Colin Jost: What?

Pete Davidson: What? Mid 30s with that wall of hair, I’m not buying.

Colin Jost: I’m not on propecia.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, and I just smoked weed for my chrome’s disease.

Colin Jost: Okay, what’s even going on? How are you balding? You’re like, nine.

Pete Davidson: I know. [Cut to Pete Davidson] Look, that’s why it’s so scary. So, over the summer, I looked into the sink and I noticed some hair. And at first, I thought it was my pubes because I am that tall and I do straighten them. But it wasn’t. And I had to go to the doctor and he like, prescribed me propecia.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And does it have any kind of side effects?

Pete Davidson: He said like, “It will– for some people, it will lower your sex drive. [Cut to Pete Davidson] So like, if you’re one of these guys who needs to have sex four or five times a day, then this drug isn’t for you. You know? But if you’re okay with doing it like, once a day, you’ll be fine.” And I was like, “Once a day? What am I? Hugh Hefner? Yeah!” I take like, generic version that’s like once a week. The hair is what’s important. So…

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, and so how is it working out?

Pete Davidson: It’s working out. [Cut to Pete Davidson] I have all my hair and girls still want to get with me. But I’m impotent, so I could care less. You know? I’m pretty much like the coolest guy in town.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a dream. And I gotta say, propecia then doesn’t really sound that bad.

Pete Davidson: It’s not. It’s crazy. It’s really crazy. [Cut to Pete Davidson] It’s if you’re okay with like, having sex once a day, then you could have your hair for the rest of your life. It makes me look at bald dudes with a whole new light now. Every time I see a bald guy I’m like, “You just can’t keep your dick in your pants.”

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: I beat god.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kim Kardashian at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Investigators say that the $4.5 million diamond ring stolen from Kim Kardashian will most likely be made into smaller less valuable stones. You know, like Kendall and Kylie.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a toilet bowl and Chinese flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new public bathroom has opened in China that is completely transparent. Oh sure, but when I use a transparent public bathroom, I am vandalizing the apple store.

[Picture changes to a clown hair]

In clown news, clowns in Arizona are rallying in support of their profession by organizing a ‘clown lives matter’ rally. Because nothing reassures like an angry mob of clowns. Even worse, the clowns are inviting children to the rally which takes place deep in the woods.

Glad I tried that one.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wolf Blitzer at left top corner.]

Well this week, we almost heard Wolf Blitzer say “Pussy”. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] Audio was released of Donald Trump making extremely lewd comments about women which many people think could cost him the election. Or as Trump put at this morning, [Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet] “Certain has been an interesting 24 hours. [Cut to Colin Jost] Wow, way to read the mood of the country. You’re caught saying one of the most upsetting things we’ve ever heard and your response is, “Well, we all had fun.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I somehow honestly thought Donald Trump had peaked on the wackadoo meter. Turns out he’s got another gear. How is that even possible? Is he going for the record? [Picture changes to Barry Bonds] This is like when Barry Bonds had all time great career and then did steroids. [Picture changes to Donald Trump You started your campaign accusing Mexicans of being rapist. Now you’re on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way that could be more hypocritical if that if you said it in Spanish.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump getting off a bus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: First, Trump tried to brush it off as just locker room talk. Which locker room? Penn state? And this isn’t just how guys talk. It’s not how humans talk, okay? I don’t even know if he knows how sex works. First phase is kissing, and then you keep running right into the stands and just start grabbing genitals. [Picture changes to Donald Trump at left top corner.] And you know this isn’t even the worst thing he has ever said. This is just the worst thing he said to Billy Bush while might on Access Hollywood bus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump on right top corner.]

Michael Che: The most telling thing Trump said was they’ll let you do anything because you’re a celebrity. So you’re literally explaining your entitlement. And speaking of entitlement, dear old rich white dudes, just always assume you’re being recorded. You’ll fall for this every two years. You’ve lost sports teams because of this, movie careers, and now a presidential election. Tape recorders have done more damage to old rich white dudes than tennis elbow.

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: And it’s amazing now to see republicans scrambling to get away from Trump now. Like, this is the one deal breaker. And you know who else came out and condemned Trump’s remarks? tic tacs. [Cut to Tic Tac USA’s twitter that says ‘Tic Tac respects all women. We find the recent statements and behavior completely inappropriate and unacceptable.] Like the actual breath mints came out and tweeted in support of women. [Cut to Colin Jost] And they should support women coz now if you’re a woman and if you hear tic tac shaking in someone’s pocket, it’s like hearing the Jaw’s theme. Or, in the other hand, tic tacs could just run right at it.

[Cut to tic tac commercial]

Male voice: Tic tac, grab bad breath by the p***y.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a tic tac at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] That’s a great ad. And just to clarify, the solution for your urges to randomly mouth kiss and crotch grab unsuspected women is tic tacs? Dude, I don’t think the problem women have with sexual assault is bad breath. That’s like Bill Cosby using Acosta for one of his love potions. And by the way, you might wanna take it easy on those tic tacs coz I think they might be turning your skin orange.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then last night, Trump apologized the way a drunk ex would… at midnight on Facebook.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: He said that Bill Clinton has told him must worse on the golf course. But you know Bill Clinton said it way smoother than that. [Colin Jost laughing] How can we trust this guy with our nation’s secrets when he’s just immediately willing to rat on all of his friends? I know Bill’s at home watching like, “What the hell, bro? You just sell me out? After I showed you my tic tac trick?”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing]

You know Bill knows something about them tic tacs.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I’m just excited to see the debate tomorrow coz you know it’s the first time Trump’s ever gonna be like, “Can we please just focus on the issues?”

Weekend Update Undecided Voter Cathy Anne

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael Che.

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the presidential race so close, the election might come down to the undecided voter. So, here is one that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey. Michael Che! Okay now, I just wanted to point out, I am an undecided voter but I’m also an uninspired voter. Oh, and you can have that one for free.

Michael Che: So you really don’t know who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: You’re gonna tell me I gotta pick between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, oh man, no thank you. I’m keeping Robama.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Robama? That– What? Who are you talking about?

Cathy Anne: I’ll tell you what the problem is. Politricians–

Michael Che: Tricians?

Cathy Anne: — are all narcissists, Michael Che. Now, I can never be a politician [Cut to Cathy Anne] because I am not a narcissist, okay? I have a very realistic view of myself and my problems. Go, number run, here it is. Here it is, folks. I’m too testing. I go from 0 to 60 like that [snapping her fingers] okay? And I have a pretty bad history with drugs and alcohol. [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne] Yeah! Oh yeah! You better believe that. That explode the hell out of that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: No! Well, you know who I feel bad for?

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Donald Trump’s beautiful wife Nelamia. Yeah, and his beautiful daughter Kevana.

Michael Che: Who?

Cathy Anne: Although, you know what? I would buy me some of Kevana suits. Yes, I would. But to be honest, you know what? I have a pretty bad problem.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne. Cathy Anne puts his left foot over the table. Het whole foot and shoe is broken.]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Anne: Hey! Whoa! Hey! You know what? At least I’m honest. We’re not having problems unlike Hillary Husine Clinton.

Michael Che: Husine?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: If I had demonia (she means pneumonia] like her and I was best friends with creditor or Robamacare, oh you better believe I would go there with my demonia. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I understood like three of those words.  So is there anything that the candidates can do to get your vote?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! They can show me they know how to have a good time. Hello, you can’t trust nobody that don’t know how to have a good time.

Michael Che: So your min problem is they’re not having fun?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Hillary Clinton is never had any damn fun. Are you kidding me? I mean, did you see her at the commencement, come on! What the hell kind of nerd life do you have to live where you’re 70 years old and you are that excited to see a balloon and you’re not a junkie. I mean– [Cathy Anne shakes her head and stares here and there] You remember!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I do remember. I remember. But what about Donald Trump? He seems like he’s always having fun.

Cathy Anne: No. No. Donald Trunk says he’s having fun. Yeah. He says it all the damn time. [Cut to Cathy Anne] But you know what? If he ain’t hanging out no Mexicans and no blacks and no gays and no women, then he ain’t having no damn fun. And you know that well!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: It’s true. We are fun.

Cathy Anne: You know what? A bunch of people in a room that look like him, that ain’t no damn party. That’s my payroll hearing. And that wasn’t fun. Dodged it. They did not think I had change.

Michael Che: Wait, you’re a felon? You can’t even vote.

Cathy Anne: No. Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] I am in a fugitive type of situation. And my innocence will be prevailed in the end. I’ll show you.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Alright, I’ll look forward to that. Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: Thank you. Robama! Robama!

[Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: It’s not Robama.

Colin Jost: Robama.

Michael Che: Who is Robama?

Weekend Update David Ortiz on Yankee Stadium

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, this week, Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz played his final series against the New York Yankees. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

[cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yay! Yay! Yay! Wow! Ke pasa contigo el, Jost.

Colin Jost: Hey, you know, mas o menos yuste?

David Ortiz: Shut up. Man, we already gotta deal with the team cane, man!

Colin Jost: That’s fair. Now Big Poppy, what do you think you’ll miss most about playing at Yankee stadium?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: You know, out of all the things if I had to pick one thing, I’ll probably say lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You’ll miss lunch?

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right, man. Big Stadium got a big lunch. You ever eat at the Yankee Stadium Jost?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Man, they got mofongo, pechuga frita, sobade es spaghetti, e hochadogo hamo. It’s like a sweet milky ham drink.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: My god.

David Ortiz: Yeah, man.

Colin Jost: It’s delicious. Yeah. Now, I heard the Yankees also gave you kind of a farewell present.

David Ortiz: Oh, that’s right man. Mariano Rivera gave me a tiny box. I open it up, big lunch. [Cut to David Ortiz] Inside there was mofongo, ado comfeti tale, chi cha londe beef steak, ewasa kaka cokeso frito, and then instead of playing baseball, everybody take a big nap. Yeah, the fans were no happy.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. And do you know what you’re going to do at the end of the season?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah bro. I endorsements.

Colin Jost: What? Like, you do endorsements?

David Ortiz: No, no, no, no. I endorse mints. [Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a big ‘Mints’ written at the bottom.] Mints. You want your breath to be acceptable for 15 minutes? Reach for mints. It’s like brushing your teeth but with sugar. 5 out of 5 dentists say, “Oh-oh!” With Mints. Yeah.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s just like a general ad for mints?

David Ortiz: Oh, I guess so. But I do specific brands too.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Okay.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah. Did you like Pepsi but you hate how sanitary it is? Then reach for Hepsi. [logo of Hepsi appears at the bottom of the screen] It’s the only soda pop that’s also a liquid acidity. So when people ask, “You got Hep?”, yo can tell them ,”Si.” With Hepsi.  Yay! Yay!

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I got a new transportation app too, man.

Colin Jost: A transportation app?

David Ortiz: That’s right. It’s called Lift.

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz. There’s a logo of Lift at the bottom of the screen]

Do you need to go somewhere? Lift your ass off the couch and walk, man! Coz I’m not driving you.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, that’s an app?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro! But I know what you’re thinking. What if I can’t get direction? Yes? Yes?

Colin Jost: Um, no. I was not thinking that. No.

David Ortiz: Well, then you should try SeeAlice.

Colin Jost: SeeAlice?

[Cut to close up shot of David Ortiz.]

David Ortiz: Do you need a little extra fat on your back? Go see Alice.

[SeeAlice logo appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Yeah. It’s a girl Alice that I know, man. She’s very pretty. And if she can’t get you aroused, I think it’s broke, bro!

Colin Jost: Big Poppy, everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah, you better miss me, Yankees.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of athletes kneeling at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many black athletes have come under fire for following Colin Kaepernick’s lead in kneeling during the National anthem.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Yeah, but I don’t understand that.

Colin Jost: What?

Michael Che: If the national anthem was so important, how did they know somebody was kneeling? How did they even notice? That’s how boring national anthem is. Halfway through it, you’re looking around the stadium like, “I wonder what the backup quarterback for the 49 is up to.” I don’t get it.

Colin Jost: I love the national anthem. You know?

Michael Che: Of course you do. You’re white.

Colin Jost: No, no. I’m saying I like it coz it’s the only song I can dance to. [Michael Che laughing] No, it just has choreography white people can handle. [Colin Jost puts his hand on chest and lower it repeatedly.] Just like the step one of the Macarena. You know?

Michael Che: How are you single? [Cut to Michael Che] It’s mostly white guys that are upset, you know? And I can understand why white guys love the national anthem so much. Because this country has always been great for white guys. You absolutely should defend the national anthem. If I was white, I’d always defend the national anthem. I expect white guys to defend the national anthem like I expected Phylicia Rashād to defend Bill Cosby. I’m sure when people were protesting the Cosby show, Clay Huskin was like, “I don’t know what he did to y’all, but the nigga made me rich.” And I’m sure it’s an inconvenient time to bring up such a heavy issue during a football game, but it’s a protest. It’s supposed to be inconvenient. That’s the whole point of a protest. It’s just like you at home and your girl’s mad at you and you just want to unwind and watch the game and she walks right in front of the TV and stands there and goes, “We need to talk.” And you’re like, “Now? The game’s on.” And she goes, “Honey, you shot another kid?” That’s what Kaepernick’s doing. [Colin Jost laughing] Besides, listen, Kaepernick is not the only one trying to raise awareness during the football game for sad cause. They’re turning uniforms pink for breast cancer tomorrow and nobody is upset about that. I bet if the police went around shooting unarmed boobies, everybody would take a knee.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Thoughts?

Colin Jost: [laughing] I think you just said unarmed boobies.

Michael Che: Well, yeah.

Colin Jost: [laughing] On the lighter side of things, [Michael Che laughing] now, once again weekend update presents…

Michael Che: [laughing] TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: TheWeeknd Update.

[Cut to TheWeeknd in his dressing room]

TheWeeknd: [looks at the camera] I got a haircut.

[Cut to TheWeeknd Update video bumper.]

Announcer: This has been the Weeknd Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a museum at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The national museum of African American History opened on the Washington Mall this week and it gives a detailed account of black history in the US. Or for a different version of black history, give my grandpa a scotch.

[Colin Jost takes a deep breath]

Michael Che: On, now you on my side? [Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to a spider and Australian flag.]

Colin Jost: A man in Australia has been bitten by a venomous spider on his penis for the second time in five months. “Fool me once”, said the guy who had to suck out the poison.

[Michael Che laughing]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hey, everybody.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shaking hands at left to corner.]

Well. [cheers and applause] Hey. [Michael Che laughing] Well, the first presidential debate is over and it’s official, we still have to choose between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. It’s like choosing a phone right now. [Picture changes to a hand holding a phone] There’s really only two options. We don’t want the iPhone 7 [picture changes to Hillary Clinton] coz it feels like it’s kind of being forced on us, also it’s not necessarily an improvement. But also, we don’t want the Samsung Galaxy [Picture changes to Donald Trump] which could explode at any minute.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, I don’t even know what I expect to learn from this debate. It’s like when you wake up hungry and there’s nothing in your fridge, but you check again twenty minutes later as if something good is gonna magically appear, but nope! Just tang and prunes.

Colin Jost: [laughing] It’s a weird fridge.

Michael Che: [laughing] It didn’t feel like I was watching a debate. It felt like I was watching a divorced couple fight for custody of a kid that hates them both. [audience laughing] It’s kind of like Brad and Angelina [Picture changes to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie] but if Brand Pitt only wanted to keep the white kids.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Presidential Debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Colin Jost: And look, I gotta say, I did debate in high school and it was way more sophisticated than whatever that was. I never got stumped in a high school debate and blurred it out, “Yeah, well Rosie O’Donnell is still a bitch!” And this is got to be a first presidential debate in history where afterwards people were genuinely asking, “Were they on drugs?”

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] Well, speaking of drugs, Donald Trump was criticized for suggesting a nation wide stoping frisk.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Michael Che: And of course, Donald Trump is for it because Donald Trump would never be stopped and frisked. You know, they only stop and frisk people like me, okay? And that’s why it’s not fair. Granted, if you stop and frisk everybody that looks like me, you’re gonna find a lot of drugs. [audience laughing] But! If you stop and frisk everybody that looks like Colin, you’re gonna find better drugs!

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: You know? I had fun.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

The consensus after the debate was that Hillary won but Donald Trump went online and found some weird internet poll that said he won the debate. [Picture changes to Donald Trump] But now, I’m worried he’s gonna be distracted for the next debate because he also found out there are bunch of [picture changes to porn ad scam that says ‘hot and horny singles Your Area!!’] hot and horny singles in his are.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: But as bad as Trump is doing, Hillary is only barely doing any better than him. So no matter who wins, this is gonna be a ‘Rebuilding’ season for America. And that’s gonna be tough for us to handle because America’s basically the New York Yankees of countries right now, which is so used to winning and dominating, but sometimes you lose your charismatic biracial leader [Picture changes to Aaron Judge and Barack Obama] and you still gotta start all over again.

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton waving at the public wearing a loose shirt at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And right now, Hillary needs to stop celebrating that she won the first debate. It’s like she’s in a wrestling ring shrouding around like the match is over and she doesn’t notice that right behind her, Chris Christie is handing Trump a folding chair. [audience laughing] Hillary can’t even gloat well. She just got over pneumonia and this is actually how she came out on campaign trip.

[Cut to a video clip of Hillary Clinton walking to the campaign tour stage doing very well. ‘I Feel Good’ by James Brown playing in the background]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

She came out to James Brown’s ‘I feel good’. I just want to point out that James Brown died of pneumonia.

[audience whooping]

What?

[Cut to Michael Che shaking his head]

Michael Che: If she actually had black friends, she would have knew that.

 

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now that Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. Many are concerned about his lack of foreign policy experience as well as this “romance with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin”. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia. Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hello, my babies. Good to see you Colin. [waving at Michael Che] Black Colin.

Colin Jost: So Olya, how has it been going in Russia? What have you been up to?

Olya: Hmm. Let’s see. I forget. Let me check my day planner here. What did I do? Oh, Wednesday, yes, I did this. [acting like she’s crying] And then Thursday, I was like… [acting like she’s running from something] And then the Friday. Yes, Friday. Me and my home girls, we got together. We did this thing. [acting like she’s shivering in cold] “So cold. So cold I want to die.”

Colin Jost: Come on, Russia can’t be that bad.

Olya: What? Colin! White Che! You know, in America, you like, “Hey Bobby, got to hell.” Well in Russia we say, “Hey Bobby, stay put.”

Colin Jost: Wow. You’re on fire.

[Olya thinks she’s literally on fire]

Olya: Ah! Not again. Where? Where? Not again.

Colin Jost: No. You’re not actually on fire. Let’s get back on track. What do you think about the fact that Donald Trump could be our next president?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Colin. This is so sweet. This is like candy in my mouth to me. I’m assuming. For years, America has made fun of Putin. And now you guys have a Putin of your own. Welcome to the suck!

[sneezes]

I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Oh my God bless you. God bless you.

Olya: He never has and he never will. But really America, come on. You guys have Trump, but you call Putin crazy? This is like part calling all my toes black. At least our guy is jacked. I mean, have you seen that photo of Putin shirtless on that horse? I mean, yummy, yummy.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You think Putin is sexy?

Olya: No, I’m saying the horse look delicious. I’m starving, Colin. Pay attention.

Colin Jost: Okay. Olya, what do you think about the fact that Putin once called Trump a genius?

Olya: Hmm. You know, having Putin call you genius, this is not compliment. That would be like if my own poop said, “You know the smells good? Olya.” “Thank you poop. Also, why are you so grey?”

Colin Jost: Thats— Thank you for the visual. That was great. Thank you.

Olya: Colin, can I tell you a secret? I have met this Donald Trump before.

Colin Jost: You’ve met him before?

Olya: Yes. Yes. Every 10 year, he comes to my village in the middle of the night to take a new wife. And last time Colin, it was down to me and Melania. I hear he picked her just because she had both ears. God, I am so jealous of her.

Colin Jost: You’re jealous of her? Why? Coz she’s rich now?

Olya: No. Because I see in her eyes that she is truly dead.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Olya Povlatsky, everyone.

Olya: One day. One day.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s an inspirational video that’s gone viral called ‘It’s never too late’, which claims you’re never too old to follow your dreams. Here to comment is our own Leslie Joes.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: How are you feeling, Leslie?

Leslie Jones:  Oh, Oh, Colin. Oh . Man, I’m 48 and last month I tore my ACL playing a Ninja in a comic sketch. My whole life I wanted to be a Ninja, but my 48 year old knee was like, “Bitch, you is not a Ninja.” The only thing you do good in black pajamas is watched the chill. But the video made me realize that you can achieve your dreams at any age. Did you know that Harrison Ford at 30 was a carpenter? Vera Wang didn’t design her first dress until she was 40? Even Captain Crunch joined the Navy at 50. All I’m saying is that you youngs are just running around here trying to be somebody when you don’t even know who you are yet. You know what happened to Oprah at Leslie Jones3? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well that was a mistake.

Leslie Jones: No, it wasn’t because she wasn’t Oprah. She was just some Leslie Jones3 year old punk who needed to get fired, so she could become Oprah. Sometimes you got to fail to succeed. I did.

Colin Jost: Well, okay. What were you doing at Leslie Jones3?

Leslie Jones: Man, I don’t know. The first part of my twenties is like a sexual blur. Then I was fired from some temp jobs, UPS, but I’m glad I got fired. Lorne Michaels created SNL 41 years ago, but maybe if he had got fired like Oprah, he wouldn’t still be working the same damn job. Also, our generation is just much healthier now. You know, we’re the new old. My dad didn’t hydrate. He drank scotch. My dad didn’t exercise. He drank scotch. People will take care of themselves now. You know, we do politely. We got Jamie Lee Curtis keeping us regular. We you yoga.

Colin Jost: You do yoga? Well, namaste. And also, what’s your favorite position?

Leslie Jones: Downward facing Colin. I just wanna know where you’re staying, Jost.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, eveyrone.

Weekend Update Jay Pharoah about Secret Rappers’ Meeting

Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Beyonce made an album called ‘Lemonade’, which highlights Jay-Z’s infidelities. It’s rumored that Jay-Z sought out marital device at a secret rappers meeting. Here to talk more about it is our own Jay Farrow.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Wad up, Che?

Michael Che: So Jay, there’s a secret rappers meeting?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, yeah. We meet up every three months in P Diddy’s above ground submarine.

Michael Che: Well, tell us what happened.

Jay Pharoah: Alright. Okay. So first Jay Z got right into to tell his side of the story. And he was like, [mimicking Jay-Z] “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. So definitely, you probably heard me and Beyonce are like beefing, right? Yo, I’m trying to sleep in and blues wine cellar. [laughing] What you want me to do? I’m sorry.” And then 50 cent  started laughing. He was like, [mimicking 50 cent] “Ha-ha-ha-ha, a little something. Hey Jay, maybe you need to apologize just a little bit. Trust me, I’m Google. Women. I’ve got Vivica Fox eat my butt. Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Michael Che: [laughing] 50 cent did that?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, man. and then TI says, [mimicking TI] “Ay-ay-ay-ay, now hold on partner.  Your Queen B has got to understand the impediment, hindrance and the obstacles of these pop tech in us circumstance.”

[mimicking DMX] “Yo! I don’t even know what TI said, you know? If it was a brother like me, somebody gotta ask your girl- what you really want from a –”

And Lil’ Wayne was like, [mimicking Lil’ Wayne] “It’s ways F baby, Beyonce is a bitch, and you need to patch it. I have. I have. Yeah. Yeah. Ah!”

Colin Jost: Hey, were there any rappers I like? Like, you know, Will Smith?

Jay Pharoah: Yup! [mimicking Will Smith] Damn! That’s crazy. Insane! [clears throat] Check it out Miami. Wo-hoo!”

Colin Jost: Yup. I got mine. Son of a gun.

Michael Che: You fool. Were there any women there?

Jay Pharoah: Oh yeah, man. Yeah. Nicki Minaj was there. She was like, [mimicking Nicki Minaj] “Oh my God. Like, you know, Meek would never cheat on me. If he does, [yelling] THEN I’LL KILL HIM!”

And then Drake was like, [mimicking Drake] “I mean like, Oh yeah. I mean. Yeah, I need a one dance. I mean like, can we all just get along and just like, relax and all that. You know?”

[Drake slides in]

Drake: Hold on. Wait. First of all, I don’t sound like that. So just relax.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Yeah, bro. You do sound like that.

Drake: No, I don’t sound like that. You can’t even do my voice.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. I can just do your voice.

Drake: You can’t do it.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] I’m doing it right now.

Drake: You don’t sound like me.

Jay Pharoah: [mimicking Drake] Oh yeah. Say, “Oh, yeah.”

Drake: Oh, yeah.

[they sound the same]

[Michael Che laughing hard]

Michael Che: Jay Pharoah and Drake, ladies and gentlemen. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]