Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of mountains at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials are warning hikers to stay away from a volcano in New Zealand saying there are signs it may erupt. Signs like, when locals heard the volcano whisper, “Oh, I’m so close.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of a deer at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York mayor Bill De Blasio has announced a plan to help reduce the deer population on Staten Island by giving the male deers vasectomies. Since Deere abortion is still illegal due to the landmark case of DOE V Wade.

[Picture changes to map picture of Oregon stage]

A man in Oregon who had collapsed in his house was saved after his local Domino’s Pizza became concerned he hadn’t called in his regular order and sent a driver to check on it. It’s all part of Domino’s new slogan, “You die when we say you die.”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a prison cell at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A prisoner in Colorado who was convicted of crack possession is demanding a DNA test claiming to be the biological son of Prince, or, and hear me out, he’s just a crack head.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: UFO enthusiast have declared that Hillary Clinton is the first ET candidate after she pledged to release government files on UFOs and area 5Colin Jost unfortunately the aliens keep all their files on a private email server. Sucks.

[Picture changes to a sign of Unisex Toilet]

Conservatives around the country have introducing bathroom bills which they say will prevent people from posing as transgender and sneaking into bathrooms to attack kids. So I guess their point is if you’re a pedophile and you were born a man, you’re not allowed to sneak into the women’s room and attack girls. You’ve got to stay in the men’s room and attack boys. I don’t understand why we have any bathroom laws anymore. Anyone could just walk into any bathroom at any time. If I’m at a Mexican restaurant, [Picture of two doors, one sayind ‘Damas’ and other saying Caballeros’.] I choose the wrong door 50%. My Spanish just isn’t that good. I think the real irony of this bathroom bill is that ‘Bathroom Bill’ sounds like the perfect name for a restaurant pervert. “Bathroom Bill in here peaking under the stall. Get out of here! And don’t just put on a wig and come back as Bathroom Jill.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sculpture of kneeling Adolf Hitler at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mexican restaurants still have pictures. A sulpture of a kneeling. Adolf Hitler was sold at auction for more than $17 million. The statute depicts Hitler on his knees begging people to stop comparing him to Donald Trump. Fortunately, it was sold to a Jewish man who is about to have the greatest Snapchat of all time. [Picture changes to a Jewish man and the Adolf Hitler sculpture. The sculpture comes to his waist level and looks sexual.]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well it’s been one week since Trump became the presumptive nominee and so far so good. This week the Washington Post were released a recording of Donald Trump posing as a fake publicist named John Miller to brag about his business deals and a sexual conquest. Trump is denying that it’s him. Let’s listen to the tape.

[Cut to the subtitles. The recording is playing.]

Recording: “He’s coming out to a, you know, a marriage and he’s starting to do tremendously well financially. He’s probably doing as well as anybody there is.”

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Come on! That’s Trump. Exhibit a use of the word ‘tremendously’. There’s only two times I’ve ever heard the word ‘tremendously’. From Donald Trump and from recordings of Donald Trump.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: John Miller is such a lazy first thought made up name too, but that’s like what Trump does. Everything he says just sounds like he’s on the speed round of Family Fued. Give us a fake name. Um, John Miller. Foreign policy? Build a wall. Megan Kelly? Oh, it’s bleeding. KKK? Pass. You know, if only there was a way but Trump to prove that John Miller is an actual person. Oh, I know. How about you show us John Miller’s birth certificate. Don’t you got a guy that can do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And look, if Donald Trump truly believes that’s not his voice on the phone, then I think we might have a fight club situation. I mean, I know his rallies are fight club, but I think John Miller might be his Tyler Durden, which also explains Trump’s confidence because every time he looks in the mirror, he sees Brad Pitt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ s picture of Donald Trump and a lice at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new poll, 54% of Americans prefer lice to Donald Trump. Which is weird because lice already dropped out. [Picture changes to Ted Cruz]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But this week, Donald Trump was officially endorsed by Newt Gingrich and Dan Quayle. You know, the best guys and the smartest guys.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Hillary Clinton said that a number of Republicans who don’t support Donald Trump have been reaching out to her. She didn’t say which Republicans, but I bet I can name at least one off the top of my Jeb. [Picture changes to Jeb Bush.]

Weekend Update Sasheer Zamata On Use Of N Word

Colin Jost

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Larry Wilmore hosted the White House Correspondence dinner last Saturday. He ended his speech by calling the president the N word which got a lot of people talking. Here to comment is our very own Sasheer Zamata.

[Sasheer Zamata slides in]

Sasheer Zamata: Hey. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Sasheer. So, what do you think about what Larry Wilmore said?

Sasheer Zamata: Well, here’s the thing. There were more white people upset than black people. [Cut to Sasheer Zamata] And the white people are the reason why that word is bad. FOX News had white people condemning it who definitely say it off camera. I’m amazed this is the first time someone called him the N word on TV. People have called the president the N word online for years. Just look at the comment sections of videos of him playing basketball, or pardoning a turkey, or a cat video. Besides, you can make any word terrible. If the word McGriddle was linked to slavery, we’d feel differently about that too. And I don’t want to be the reason why the people are mad at us this week. So instead of saying the N word, I’ll use ‘McGriddle’.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, McGriddle? Don’t take that word away from me. Can I still say McGrida?

Sasheer Zamata: [yelling] No! Maybe, if you really want to.

Colin Jost: Thank you.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

Sasheer Zamata: Now, I got called McGriddle once in my life, thankfully. I was walking down the street with a friend and this dirty pickup truck comes barreling down the road. And this man yells, “Y’all McGriddles need to get on a boat and take your black asses back to McDonald’s.”

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, McDonald’s is Africa?

Sasheer Zamata: Yeah.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata]

I’m trying to make this analogy work. He had a confederate flag, vanity plate, truck nuts and a very red face. And I was like– He had all the things. It’s like he walked into a store and said, “I need to look as racist as I feel.” But he was old school racist. And at least he was upfront about it. That’s how I like my racists. Easily identifiable. These days people won’t publicly say the McG word but they’ll say thinly veiled words like thug, or ghetto, or athletic. I don’t know for– [pointing at the audience] Some people really liked that. [laughing] I don’t know if we’re ever gonna agree on the use of that word. I do know that word has a lot of history behind it. And if we ignore it, it feels like we’re ignoring the history.

[Cut to Sasheer Zamata and Colin Jost]

And I don’t like to ignore history.

Colin Jost: And so then, can we say it? Or…

Sasheer Zamata: It’s up to you, nigga!

Colin Jost: Back to you, Michael.

Sasheer Zamata: [laughing] Don’t be mad, it’s my birthday.

Colin Jost: Happy birthday. Sasheer Zamata, everyone.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Talks About Mother’s Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day. With more on this is our own Pete Davidson.

[Pete slides in]

You’re looking good.

Pete: Yeah, right? It was my idea.

Colin Jost: That’s great. Beautiful.

Pete: Thank you. I take Mother’s Day very seriously because [cut to Pete] my mom raised me and my sister by herself, and had to be dad and the mom. You know? As a kid, she was the school nurse and she always looked out for me. She would get me out of the scoliosis check or the hearing test.

[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, you never had your hearing check?

Pete: [showing his sweatshirt] Nah, I got this from wardrobe. [Cut to Pete] See, she tried to teach me what to do with girls. She’d say like, put cologne on your palm so she’ll smell it after she gets home from the night of holding hands. And always ask a girl permission before you touch her boob, even if it’s already out. While I was fifteen, she even bought me my first pack of condoms. And then five years later when those expired, she bought me more. She was always defending me. No, she always defended me as a kid. My mom’s the best. But now, I think she needs to stop coz she’s still defending me as an adult. Like on twitter, she joined twitter with the fake username ‘joesmith3030’ so she could anonymously spy on me. And then immediately started tweeting at trolls. Like this. [a tweet appears] “No, YOU suck, don’t ever talk about Pete Davidson like that again. I will tear you apart with my bare hands. I’m his mother.” Or this jam. This one says, “@NBC, Hey Lauren Michaels. I think my son would be great in some sketches too. Winking face, #ImSingle, Wine glass emoji.”

These are real. That’s what it said. You know my mom. So, I’m here to ask for help. I want to find my mom what she really needs this Mother’s Day. And that’s a man. Coz she deserves it. You know? Like, I’m not looking for a step dad material. I don’t want to have to like, learn your name. Ma, are you video taping this?

[Cut to Pete’s mom recording]

Pete’s mom: Hi, sweetheart. How are you doing?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m trying to tell everybody how much I love you and you making it really hard right now.

[cut to Pete’s mom]

Pete’s mom: Okay. Don’t forget to smile.

[Cut to Pete and Colin Jost]

Pete: Please, kill me. Everybody, this is ridiculous.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson and his mom.

Pete: My mom is the best.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update Laura Parsons

Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our news casts of Tomorrow segment, where a lucky kid joins me to read the news. Tonight we have the young actress who is in the upcoming Nickelodeon movie ‘The Lunch Bunch Detectives’, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura slides in smiling]

Laura: Hello, Michael. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today,
it’s all in the news

Michael Che: That’s so sweet. So what’s going on in the world this week, Laura?

Laura: Well, Michael, looks like Donald Trump is going to become the republican nominee for president.

Michael Che: That’s right. And frankly, some people are very upset about that.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: I’m not sure why. So many people like him. Like governor Rick Perry, Hulk Hogan, and [shouting] the KKK.

Michael Che: Okay. [Cut to Michael Che and Laura] Laura, do you know what the KKK is?

Laura: Um, little bit. I saw them on TV. [Cut to Laura] My mom says they wear their sheets all the time so they’re always ready for bad.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Yes, that’s true.

Laura: [shouting] And they want everyone dead except whites.

Michael Che: Laura! I think that story is too adult for you.

Laura: Sorry Michael. [Cut to Laura] Like old man Cronkite used to say, “I don’t make the news. I just read it fellas.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Okay, but Laura, don’t you have any stories that are more appropriate for you age group?

Laura: Oh, I know. Kids love apps. Personally, I love Candy Crush app. Sweet. [looks at Michael Che and smiles] [Cut to Laura] But studies have shown that apps like Tinder and Grindr have led to increased cases [shouting] of STDs.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: STDs? Where did you hear that?

Laura: I’m not sure. [Cut to Laura] I think STD stands for Seriously Terrible Dates, [screaming] because every one has herpes.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what herpes is?

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Sure do. It’s when your down stair says, “Ai-yai-yai.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Okay, Laura, do you have any fun news?

Laura: How about this? KFC just released a nail polish that makes your fingers smell like chicken. Yum.

Michael Che: You see, now that’s a cute story.

Laura: Speaking of smelly fingers–

Michael Che: No! That’s enough. Thank you. You did a great job but I think it’s time for you to go.

Laura: Great job? Wow. Thanks Michael. [Cut to Laura] Guess I’m a hit.

[singing] And that’s in the news.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura]

Michael Che: Laura, everybody.

[The End]

 

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida arrested a man who tried to steal a baby python from a pet store by stuffing down his pants. But it’s not what you think. The man was just using the python to get rid of that gerbil in his ass.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chinese flag and caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s a good idea. A boy in China has been born with 31 fingers and toes. So, it’s safe to say he’s gonna be pretty good at math.

Michael Che: it’s safe to say it.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Some fans of the movie Frozen [picture changes to Elsa from the movie Frozen] have launched a hashtag campaign to get Disney to turn the character Elsa into a lesbian. While other fans have already done that [pointing to his brain] up here. And if this campaign works, it would make Elsa Disney’s first lesbian character… since I’m gonna say Ursula? [Picture changes to the Disney character Ursula]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Puerto Rican flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A report shows that Puerto Ricans are moving off the island in record numbers with an average of 230 leaving Puerto Rico a day. And somehow they all moved into the apartment above me.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Christian cross and Philadelphia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Philadelphia man who carries a cross and calls himself Jesus was arrested for trespassing. The man played not guilty to trespassing and also forgave those who trespassed against him. Christian!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cover photo of the movie Glory at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A teacher in Utah violated policy when he used the N word before showing his 8th grade class the civil war movie ‘Glory’. The teacher apologized explaining that at the time, he just couldn’t remember Denzel Washington’s name.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Caitlyn Jenner at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was rumored that former Olympian Caitlyn Jenner was set to appear nude on an upcoming cover of Sports Illustrated. It’s the kind of brave bold choice that makes me think, “I shouldn’t have gotten my grandpa that subscription.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an elephant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This past weekend marked the final appearance of elephants in the Ringling Brothers & Barnum Bailey circus. The elephants will be sent to an animal sanctuary which is a lot nicer than where they send their retired clowns. [Picture changes to a garbage container full of clowns.] That’s why I never met an ex clown.

[Picture changes to Beyonce and Jay-Z]

Insiders are saying that Jay-Z is now working on his own album that is a response to Beyonce’s new album Lemonade. Because the one thing you should always do when your girl is pissed off at you is try to get the last word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul LePage at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Maine governor Paul LePage who has a reputation for voting a vetoing legislation has named his new dog “Veto”. Sort of like how Hillary Clinton [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton] named her new dog ‘Redacted due to ongoing congressional investigation’. Catchy.

[Picture changes to 2016 Rio Olympic logo]

The 2016 Olympic torch arrived this week in Brazil where runners will begin their relay race to Rio wearing the country’s official Olympic uniform. [Picture changes to a person carrying the Olympic torch who is wearing a yellow protective suit.] I mean Brazil, what’s going on? The stadiums aren’t finished. The water is poisoned. Your president just got impeached. And instead of giving out medals, they’re giving out zika virus. I think Brazil has to deal with this whole mess the Brazilian way. Just tear it all out by the roots and start over again, nice and smooth. Maybe just leave a little landing strip so people can fly in and out. Anyway, happy Mother’s Day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of handcuffs at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study finds that the most common names of male criminals are Juan and Jeremy. Which is very bad news for famed Mexican porn star, Juan Jeremy.

[The End]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it happened. Donald Trump has secured the republican nomination and no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds less like a headline and more like the ominous beginning of a Star Wars movie. And even though this has been coming for months, everyone still seems shocked. Even Trump said he was surprised. I bet if you told Trump a year ago that he’d be the republican nominee, he would have said, “But I’m a democrat.” And remember, Donald Trump promised that once he got the nomination he was gonna be “So presidential”, which is why the first thing he did on Cinco de Mayo was tweet out a [picture changes to Donald Trump eating taco bowl in his office desk.] photo of himself eating a taco bowl with a caption saying, “I love Hispanics.” First of all, a taco bowl sounds like what Trump would call a group of Mexicans in a hot tub. Also, dude, clean your office. I mean look at you. You’re eating off a stack of newspapers like a world’s richest hamster. And you’re giving a type of weird thumbs up you usually see from a brain damaged boxer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Let’s look around that office. He’s got loose blueprints just lying around like he’s Howard Hughes. He’s got framed photos all of himself stacked three deep and he has not one but two bobbleheads of Donald Trump planking what I can only assume is a tiny Oscar trophy he made for himself for his work in Home Alone II. [Picture changes to a scene from Donald Trump’s part in Home Alone II]

I still can’t believe that republicans let Donald Trump win the nomination fair and square. I mean if there was ever a time to cheat, this would be it. I don’t even know you guys counted votes. All this time, the other republican nominees were selected by a secret society of rich old white dudes playing butt naked leap frog in a sacred temple. And you actually count votes. I feel so lied to. I mean where is that spooky right wing illuminati when you need em’? ReallY?

You know, I’m starting to think you guys aren’t lizard people at all.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Here’s my prediction, okay? I really think now that Trump has the nomination, he’s gonna become president. Okay? People don’t like to admit it in public, but they secretly really like Trump. Everywhere I go I’m like, “You guys like Trump?” And they’re like, “Boo, no.” And then I’m like, “Are you gonna vote for him?” And they’re like, “Probably.” And yes, a lot of people hate Trump, but don’t forget, a lot of people hate Hillary too. [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] No one’s really happy with either of these choices. It’s like if you’re in the mood for soup, so you go to the diner to get some soup. But the only two options they have left are pumpkin corn chowder or Hillary Clinton. And they’re like, “On second thought, I’m not that hungry.”

Weekend Update Willie About Summer

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Next week is memorial day weekend, which means summer is right around the corner. And I for one is not excited about it but here to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Ay, happy summer time everybody. Boy, I can’t wait to just sit outside and stare directly to that hot summer son. [Cut to Willie] Or take a ride in the back of a pickup truck, sack over my head, wrist tied together, pee running down my legs, pee dripping down my chin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: What the hell are you describing, man?

Willie: Summer time, Michael.

Michael Che: No, you’re not.

Willie: Makes me feel like a kid again. Boy I get so excited whenever I saw the ice-cream truck, or the candy van.

Michael Che: What’s the candy van?

Willie: Oh…. nice try, Michael! [Cut to Willie] But everybody knows you’re not supposed to tell what happens in the candy van. What you trying to do? Get me spanked and tickled by old man cut in half?

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Jesus, Willie.

Willie: What about all the outdoor concerts, Michael? [cut to Willie] You know, I remember one summer my daddy took me to see little Richard. He said, “Son, that’s the architect of rock and roll. It’s the devil’s music and I’m gonna kill him.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: That sounds horrible, man.

Willie: You know, back in those days, we weren’t allowed to go to the city pool. But we made due. [Cut to Willie] Sometimes the local firemen would come down and open the hydrant. Then they detach a hose and sprayed the hell out of us.

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: These are terrible memories, Willie.

Willie: But all lives matter, Michael.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Don’t you love summer baseball, Michael? [Cut to Willie] Every summer, my whole family would go down to AYBS field to watch the Brooklyn Dodges and throw rocks at the opposing team. But it’s like my grandma always used to say, “Stop aiming at Jackie Robinson, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, this is not cheering me up.

Willie: You know who really loved summer time?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: My old dog Lucias

Michael Che: Okay.

[Cut to Willie]

Willie: Oh, he used to love to go for a drive. I could leave him for the car for hours. Windows rolled up. His tongue all out-banded. Nose just dry as a bone. It’s like they always say, “Get out of the candy van, your dog is cooking, Willie!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Willie]

Michael Che: Willie, everybody.

Willie: Happy summer, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update,I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Have a great summer. Goodnight.

[The End]