Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Dilma Rousseff

Colin Jost

Dilma Rousseff… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff was ousted from office and faces impeachment for committing budget fraud. Here to comment is president Dilma Rousseff.

[Dilma Rousseff slides in with a cigar in one hand and a cocktail in another.]

[cheers and applause]

Dilma Rousseff. Bien Bonitos.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language] Thank you for calling me.

Colin Jost: Well, I gotta say. You seem pretty upbeat for somebody who just got kicked out of office.

Dilma Rousseff: Oh, Colin Ju. I feel great. It’s my retirement. Now I go in big vacation. Cheers.

Colin Jost: Wait. It was an impeachment. It’s not your retirement.

Dilma Rousseff: Ah! You say potutu, I say potata. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] In Brazil, we have much bigger problem than impeachment. Okay? Our economy is major [foreign language] Our rivers are full of poison from the human dookies. We have [foreign language] in all the little, how do you you say this? Um… [foreign language] Pakotako.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff andColin Jost]

Colin Jost: Worse. No, I think it’s mosquito.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: I think it’s the same in Portuguese. Mos–

Dilma Rousseff: Moskeiter.

Colin Jost: So, President Rousseff.

Dilma Rousseff: No-ah-ah! I am not a presidente anymore, Colind Jus. Now you can call me by my beautiful first name Dilma.

Colin Jost: Okay then. Dilma.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: No, no. [with accent] Dilma. Like your tongue is mad at the rest of your mouth. Say like this. Dilma.

Colin Jost: Dilma

Dilma Rousseff: You are not good at it. But you know what? You are very cute like a juicy baby. Who is your young friend?

Colin Jost: Oh, that’s Michael. Yes.

Dilma Rousseff: Michael Che!

[Cut to Michael Che waving and laughing]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Coline Ju, do you like my hair?

Colin Jost: Your hair is beautiful.

Dilma Rousseff: Thank you, [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] because I go to the barber and I say, “Hey guys, give me the new Rue Mcclanahan.”

[Picture of Rue Mcclanahan appears and they look the same.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Oh. It’s great.

Dilma Rousseff: [foreign language]

Colin Jost: Very nice. Could you just explain why your government wants to impeach you?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s same. The budget had a hole. I cook the book to hide the hole. Now everybody say, “Take a hike. You are [unintelligible] presidente.” But for me its no problem. I go to the beach, okay? I make relax. I drink, [foreign language].

[Cut to Colin Jost and Dilma Rousseff]

Colin Jost: Now hold on. Are you concerned with everything that’s going on in Brazil? Do you think you’re prepared for Rio to host the Olympics in just two months?

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff]

Dilma Rousseff: Umm…. [thinking] Nah! But we only have one or two thing left to do. Such take 1 million poo-poos out of the river and build all the buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, hold on. You haven’t built any of the buildings yet?

Dilma Rousseff: It’s good, Colin. It’s fine, juicy baby. It’s fine. [Cut to Dilma Rousseff] It’s what you call B-Y-O-B. Right? Right Che? Bring your own buildings.

[Cut to Dilma Rousseff and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Dilma Rousseff: Now, everybody samba. Un, dos, tres.

[drums playing]

[Dilma Rousseff starts whisteling]

Colin Jost: Dilma Rousseff everyone.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

MIchael Che

[Starts with MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Nike Air Jordan at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Nike has announced that it’ll start testing a large scale 3D printer to make Air Jordans. The way it works is that the printer actually makes little Malaysian kids.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people in line at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A number of airports around the country are trying to reliever the stress caused by long security lines by hiring clowns to entertain travelers. Because nothing puts you at ease like a clown whispering, “Have a safe flight.”

[picture changes to Facebook logo and a mobile phone.]

A man streamed the birth of his son live on Facebook and has been more than 50,000 times. [picture changes to MIchael Che using a computer.] Weirdly all by Che.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Burger King logo and a spa at left top corner.]

MIchael Che: A Burger King in Finland has opened a world’s first fast food store in a spa. So yea, you’re going to fart during that massage.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of calendar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This Thursday was National Hepatitis Testing Day. And good news, I got an A.

[Cut to Colin Jost and MIchael Che]

MIchael Che: Why are you smiling?

Colin Jost: Last year I got a C. Anyway, this is the last episode of the season and there were lots of jokes we wrote this year and some of them were little too harsh to do on air.

MIchael Che: But we decided that since its the end of the year, why don’t we just do some of the, right? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? They fire Colin?

Colin Jost: What? [looking around]

MIchael Che: So, here’s the first one.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of a football field and a helmet at right top corner.]

A high school student in Arizona was arrested after it was discovered that he exposed his penis in a football team picture. The yearbook staff knew something was off with the picture when they noticed that there was one extra helmet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a school at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A Muslim student in a high school in California was upset after the school yearbook falsely printed her name as ISIS. While the yearbook also mistakenly identified their only Asian student as [Picture changes to a picture of an asian student with name ‘Kung Fu Panda’] Kung Fu Panda.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Khloe Kardashian at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: Khloe Kardashian revealed that she recorded a sex tape with her now ex husband, Lamar Odem. If you want a preview of what the sex tape looks like, just watch Kim sex tape in a funhouse mirror.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of cartoon Lucky Charms at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The actor who provided the voice of the Lucky Charms Leprechaun died this week at the age of 93, after his tumor turned out to be [singing] magically malignant.

[Cut to MIchael Che. There’s a picture of Indian flag at right top corner.]

MIchael Che: I don’t know what’s wrong with that one. A 70 year old woman in India has given birth to her first child. Doctors described the birth as, “Like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Subway logo and Jared Fogle at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And finally, former Subway sandwich spokesman Jared Fogle who pleaded guilty to having sex with minors was sentenced to Colin Jost5 years in prison. And good news for Jared cell mate, Jared has a ton of experience eating the same thing everyday for Colin Jost5 years.

[Cut to MIchael Che.]

MIchael Che: Who do you feel sorry for?

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

The NRA in Friday officially endorsed Donald Trump. I assume because they didn’t do a background check. If they had, they would have seen that when President Obama called for gun control in the wake of the Newtown shooting, Donald Trump tweeted, [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet] “President Obama spoke for me and every American in his remarks in #Newtown Connecticut.” He wrote #Newtown but forgot to write “#MightHaveToCompletelyChangeMyViewsIfIEndUpBeingARepublican”.

Ultimately though, it does make sense that NRA would endorse Trump because Trump himself is kind of like a gun. We think he’s gonna make us feel safe and strong but he might end up accidentally killing us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a gun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the speech to the NRA, Trump claimed that Hillary Clinton would abolish the second amendment which is just not true. Look, NRA, nobody is trying to take your guns away from you. We understand how much you need them for the apocalypse and your daughter’s wedding and two fried bacon on. Look, and it’s easy form me to say because I’m from big fancy New York city and I never have to must get a pass him in the face for suffer, but I assure you, nobody is trying to take you precious guns away from you. Except maybe a curious toddler. Which ironically is exactly why Hillary Clinton is trying to prevent this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: We also got a glimpse this week in how Hillary and Trump would each respond in a crisis after the Egypt air flight went down. Hillary said, “Let’s wait and get all the facts.” Trump said, “If anyone doesn’t think it got blown out of the sky, you’re 100% wrong.” Trump was 100% certain. Keep in mind, he was also 100% certain that people would want to buy steaks at the Sharper Image. I’d love to watch an episode of Law and Order with Donald Trump. The first guy walks in, “He did it! 100%.” And I’m like, “Donald, that’s Ice Tea. [Picture changes to rapper Ice Tea] He’s one of the detectives.”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.]

During the interview this week, Donald Trump said that if he becomes president, he would be willing to talk directly with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. Most likely in a thick Korean accent with squinty eyes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton and democratic logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to delegate count, Hillary Clinton is fewer than 100 delegates away from her party’s presidential nomination. Which explains Hillary’s new campaign slogan, “Finish Him!!”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows that New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s approval rating is now at an all time low. Coming in more than 10 points below Bon Jovi playing the new stuff. It’s low. Still at an all time high though, his belt!

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An anonymous bidder has paid nearly $140,000 in an auction for the gun George Zimmerman used to shoot Trayvon Martin. And all he has to do to collect the money is meet the anonymous buyer at midnight on the corner of 146th in Malcolm X Boulevard.

Weekend Update One Dimensional Female Character

Colin Jost

Heather… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study reveals that movies with female leads like Frozen and the Hunger Games still give most of the dialog to the men. Here to talk about it is the one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy.

[Heather slides in]

Heather: Hey Jost. Good to see you again.

Colin Jost: Yes, welcome back Heather. So, how do you feel about this new study?

Heather: However, you feel I guess. Maybe like this. [Cut to Heather] Maybe like this. “Hmm”. Or maybe like this. “Pfft.” If I get too angry then I’m not sexy anymore. I’m just a nag. And I’m not old enough to play the nag. You have to be 28 for that. I’m somewhere between eighteen and 27. But I date 40 and up. The fatter, the better.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s cool.

Heather: Thanks. That means a lot to me. I needed to hear that today. Just promise me you won’t get too drunk tonight with your crazy friend Bruce.

Colin Jost: Who is Bruce?

Heather: Bruce. You know. As a joke he fed you X and [Cut to Heather] you messed you pants in the sand trap. I was watching from the golf cart doing this. [sigh]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You were?

Heather: Yeah, but it was cut coz the test audience [Cut to Heather] couldn’t tell why I was there or who I was or why I would care or that if it was caring that I was showing on my face. Should I show some side boob now?

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, you don’t– You don’t need to do that. No.

Heather: Wow, you sound just like a girl. By the way, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever said in my life.

Colin Jost: I- I guess it’s pretty funny. Yeah.

Heather: Wow. I feel like I can really be myself around you. [music playing] Like, go to a baseball game with you and know the nickname of the player. Then I’ll go get hotdogs without any help. And on the way back, I’ll accidentally stick my butt in your friend’s face. Then he’ll get a boner and you’ll accidentally touch it. Then you two will be on the kisscam and I’ll be out of the movie for the next 45 minutes.

Colin Jost: Where do you go?

Heather: Oh, I just turn off. Everything kind of goes black for me. Then I come back to watch you do karaoke. And I surprise you by taking my clothes off in front of you after one shot of tequila. [Cut to Heather] And that’s when they found out cartoon finish that’s also in the movie says, “Nice bush. You don’t see those much anymore.” That’s how you know it’s a comedic part for me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, they may not give you the most line–

Heather: The least. I have the least. And the movie is named after me.

Colin Jost: What’s it called?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: Bagging Heather. The fish is really funny. At one point, I sneeze into a Kleenex full of semen but nobody tells me.

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: [laughing] Oh my god! Heather, that’s–

Heather: It’s okay. In the sequel, it’s like I never existed.

Colin Jost: So, what’s next for you?

[Cut to Heather]

Heather: I can’t say any more lines or they have to pay me like a man.

[Heather looks at the ceiling and pauses]

[Cut to Heather and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think she just turned off. The one-dimensional female character from a male driven comedy. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Jay Pharoah

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It was a historic week in NBA. The Golden State Warriors set a record with 73 wins. Kobe Bryant retired after 20 seasons. And the NBA playoff started today. Here to give their takes are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal.

[1 and Shaquille O’Neal slide in]

Charles Barkley: How are you doing, Michael? Wow, big year for the NBA.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq like beard. Real beard. Big more than little.

Michael Che: Okay, so Kobe Bryant had an incredible last game. He’s 37 years old and scored 60 points.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. But it took 50 shots. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] That’s like putting a chip on every single number in a roulette board. You’re bound to win once, unless you’re me, and you bet it all on number twe-ive.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Twe-ive? That’s not a number.

Charles Barkley: Oh, man. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] Too bad you don’t work at the counter.

Shaquille O’Neal: Shaq will still play. Shaq can win a championship. With Kobe.

Charles Barkley: No, you could not, Shaq. Look at you. It’s like you’re having a staring contest with yourself. [pulling three fingers out] How many fingers am I holding out?

Shaquille O’Neal: 44.

Charles Barkley: Damn. There must have been a gas leak in your home for the past 10 years.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Now, what do you think Kobe is gonna do now?

Charles Barkley: Oh, there’s lots of things a retired player can do. [Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal] You can do commercials. Like, Shaq is a spokesman for ‘I say hot’.

Shaquille O’Neal: Hmm, it’s delicious. I put it on Texas toast. Toast is warm and cool at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Dammit Shaq! I think blood tried to flow all the way up to your brain but then gets too tired, just hangs out on your shoulders as say, “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Look Michael, you gotta be careful with your money after you retire. Last week, I bet somebody a $100,000 that I could eat 10 hamburgers and I couldn’t do it.

Michael Che: Why would you even think you could do that?

Charles Barkley: Because few minutes before I made that bet, I ate 10 hamburgers.

[Cut to 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Shaquille O’Neal: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Charles Barkley: What you laughing at?

Shaquille O’Neal: Because I got a joke. Listen. A horse walked into a bar.

[silence]

Charles Barkley: Then what?

Shaquille O’Neal: It’s funny. A horse shouldn’t be in a bar. it don’t have no ID.

Charles Barkley: Why couldn’t I have picked Michael Jordan to be my life companion? Put yourself together, Shaq. You got twe-ive kids.

[Cut to Michael Che, 1 and Shaquille O’Neal]

Michael Che: Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal, everybody.

Charles Barkley: Anybody wants 10 hamburgers?

Weekend Update Animal Annie and Iguana

Colin Jost

Annie… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: An Octopus named Inky made a daring escape from an aquarium in New Zealand and experts say Octopuses may be among the smartest animals on earth. Here with more with this is our animal fact expert, Animal Annie.

[Annie slides in]

Annie: Oh. Hi there Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi Annie. Welcome. So what can you tell us about Octopuses?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Well, here’s a fun fact. Octopuses have three hearts. Which is funny because my landlord doesn’t even have one.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, okay.

Annie: And hey, [Cut to Annie] you ever wonder why flamingos are so pink? It’s because they eat so much shrimp. I guess that’s why I’m the color of a hamburger bun. And did you know that starfish don’t have any brains? Wow! I didn’t realize my ex boyfriend was a star fish. I wonder if they’re liars like him too.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What was the last part?

Annie: Oh well, did you know that when a koala is born, it’s just the size of a jelly bean. [Cut to Annie] And when I was born, I was the size of an Easter ham and then my dad left.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, hey Annie, do you have any fun facts that are more like… fun?

Annie: Oh, yeah. Oh, this one is really fun. [Cut to Annie] Cows poop up to 16 times a day. I’m like, “Only 16? Catch up, cows!”

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, are you okay?

Annie: Who are you? My doctor? [laughing] [Cut to Annie] And Che, you are gonna love this one, okay? Iguanas have two penises. But I wouldn’t know what to do with either one of them, right Daniel?

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Who is Daniel?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Also, why would I like that one? I mean, I did. But how would you even know that?

[Cut to Annie]

Annie: Oh, and hey, did you guys know that oysters can change their gender? Meanwhile, I got cat-fished by a 14-year-old member of ISIS.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Annie, you really seem to know your animal facts but you might want to spend some time figuring out the rest of your life.

Annie: Oh, I have Colin. Okay? I have a new boyfriend and he’s here with me tonight.

[Someone passes Annie a huge Iguana]

Colin Jost: Oh, wow.

Annie: Hi honey. [Cut to Annie] Honey, honey, honey. Oh, honey. Settle honey. [Colin Jost laughing] Oh, yes. This is Mr. Magic. Oh yeah. And a couple of fun facts about him. He is not a liar. Okay? And he never gets mad at me. The most he’ll ever do is be like [looking around]. Yeah, he’s hot. Plus, he does have two penises, right Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh yeah, that’s funny.

[Cut to Annie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Animal Annie, everyone.

Annie: Iguana boyfriend!

Weekend Update 3

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a snake at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Workers in Malaysia discovered a 25 foot long python that is one of the longest snakes captured. Said their boss, “Very cool, but I still need you to find that plane.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of Burj Khalifa building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [laughing] But do you get it? The builders of the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world are planning to create an even taller building in Dubai with shimmering metal and long golden cables. It will be known as the Wiz Khalifa.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dishwasher at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] So lazy. An inmate in Texas who escaped was recaptured after he was found hiding in his girlfriend’s dishwasher. Said his girlfriend, “Oh, so now you know where the dishwasher is?”

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Kwame Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Apprentice star Kwame Jackson spoke out passionately against Donald Trump saying that Trump is filling a swamp full of hate. Adding, “Anyway, [Picture changes to Kwame serving Starbucks] tall latte for Karen?”

[Picture changes to a phone and FBI logo]

It was reported that the FBI paid professional hackers to help unlock the iPhone of San Bernardino shooter. Oh sure, but when I hire hackers to unlock an iPhone, I’m ‘too insecure to be in a relationship’.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of

Michael Che: At a town hall on Friday, John Kasich hold a female college student concerned with rape to avoid parties where there’s a lot of alcohol. Which ironically is the kind of statement that will probably make women avoid his party. [picture changes to republican logo]

[Picture changes to a woman and Monalisa painting]

A woman in New York has become an internet sensation by recreating famous paintings such as the Monalisa on her face. Said her boyfriend, “You are making us late!”

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

[cheers and applause

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

During this week’s democratic debate Bernie Sanders said he will release his tax returns but said they’re boring because he’s “One of the poorest members of the senate.” So now he’s just bragging about how poor he is. At this point Bernie is just an opposite Trump. [speaking like Donald Trump] “I’m so poor. I got the smallest house. And check out my daughter, she’s 52.” [picture changes to Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders] They really are like cartoon opposites. I mean, Trump’s wife was a model. Bernie’s wife is doing his taxes. Trump spends two hours a day on his hair. Bernie’s barber is the wind. The only way Bernie could be more opposite is if he built a tunnel to Mexico and then made America pay for it.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Hillary Clinton at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a speech this week, Hillary Clinton called for women to get equal pay saying there’s no discount for being a woman. But on the other hand, [picture changes to a alcohol bar] bars.

[Picture changes to people’s rally in Washington Square Park.]

On Wednesday, several thousand people in New York city met in Washington Square Park for a rally in support of Bernie Sanders and some of them weren’t homeless.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Donald Trump has received the endorsement of the New York Observer which is published by his son-in-law. Well, Ted Cruz failed to get the endorsement of his family’s Christmas newsletter.

[Picture changes to NFL logo]

A new study was released showing that 40% of retired NFL players have signs of traumatic brain injury. The study was conducted by looking at the suits they wear on TV.

Weekend Update Deenie

Colin Jost

Deenie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The much talked about mini series, the People VS OJ Simpson end of this week, here with a wrap up is somebody’s mom, Deenie.

[Deenie slides in chewing something. She has food in the box she has in her hand.]

Hi Deenie, how are you?

Deenie: I’m sort of warm by my schoop neck. These lights are so hot. I’m sweating like a mouse at a cat show. Yikes! [looking at Colin Jost] Gosh, you look hunky tonight, huh? Wow, you look like, what’s his face? The guy on the show with the girl with the red bob.

Colin Jost: I– Thank you. [Deenie is eating] So, Deenie, do you wanna give us recap on the OJ mini series?

Deenie: Oh, yea, yea. [Cut to Deenie] I didn’t get through all of it yet coz I had to finish my subs first. Boy, are they ever getting good. Oh, man! Are you up to date? [Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost] Coz I don’t wanna spoil anything.

Colin Jost: No. No. I’m all behind.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Okay. So the whole family turned on mustache and he went to jail. And now red head is walking the fall out shelter with mustache’s twin brother no-mustache. But just when they were getting real cozy, it turned into the Nancy in funeral.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This was the soap opera?

Deenie: Yes.

Colin Jost: Okay. And then did you watch OJ?

Deenie: Oh, and then I was about to, [Cut to Deenie] but then I spilled tuna casserole on my freaking clicker. And it kept going through the People VS BJ Simpson. And I couldn’t get out of it.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what happened then?

Deenie: Well, first off, [Cut to Deenie] two tan guy and dead eyes start a real show.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, wait. Hold on. So you just watched a porn?

Deenie: Well, I didn’t have my glasses on. But it sounded like someone was plunging a toilet and getting real fresh.

Colin Jost: Okay. What are you eating by the way? It looks like you’re really enjoying.

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: Yeah. It’s Brussel’s sprouts and imitation crab.

Colin Jost: Oh, it’s good combo.

Deenie: Brussel’s sprouts are a riot. Coz they smell like a fart but they actually tastes like a burp.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s a good–

Deenie: You want one?

Colin Jost: Oh, I shouldn’t.

Deenie: You want me to save you one or two of these stink-bumps so you can pop in during the commercial?

Colin Jost: Really cool, but thank you. That’s–

[Deenie puts a piece of her food on the table for Colin Jost]

So tempting but…

[Colin Jost picks the food up with his pen and throws it behind]

Deenie: Yeah, put it away. Save it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’ll save it.

Deenie: It’ll be good later.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Did you ever end up watching– [laughing] Did you ever end up watching OJ by the way?

Deenie: I was doing Thomas Kinkade puzzles of the light house at the same time. But I got the jisp.

Colin Jost: Well do you wanna give us the jisp?

Deenie: Yea, sure, sure. [Cut to Deenie] Okay, so I watch one where show me the money try down to glove the trunk and then curly head got really mad at black Mr. Clean. And then stunk hair from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. kept bringing up the Jews.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I think that was Robert Kardashian. And I think he was saying ‘Juice’.

Deenie: Oh, okay. [Cut to Deenie] Well, all I know is that I figured out who did it in the first five minutes. You’d have to be a dumb ass not to get that one.

Colin Jost: And what show are you gonna watch next?

[Cut to Deenie]

Deenie: I’m starting to watch that one with the dark hair and worry word and crazy hair and the woman who looks at all of them like she wants to hit them with her car.

[Cut to Deenie and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Ah, I’m gonna guess, Sienfield?

Deenie: No, the Election.

Colin Jost: Oh, the Election. Yea. Deenie, everyone.

[The End]