Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Major league baseball return this week. The Golden State Warriors are chasing history and the final round of the master’s tournament is set to start on Sunday. Here with his unique take of the world of sports is veteran stand up coming, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hey. Oh! It’s so good to be here Michael. Now, can we hurry this up? I’m trying to get home in time to watch the… big game.

[silence]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t think any games are starting this late.

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Ay, that’s just a thing, right? Also Che, we’re on the same page. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] One thing we can all agree on is that [laughing] women do not get sports.

[silence]

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That’s your unique take?

Bruce Chandling: Ay, hear me out Michael. Hear me out. I bring my girl at the ball game that day. it’s a true story by the way. It actually happened. Whole time she’s going, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] “Who is winning, Bruce? Which team is which? Why aren’t they all shoppy?” Please, I’m asking myself, ‘Am I watching a baseball game or solving a mystery?’

Michael Che: Bruce, there are millions of female sports fans.

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] Great routine. But you know, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] we all live in different day and age. Right? Case in point. Male cheerleaders? [laughing] Oh, ouch! I mean, they stink. [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling] Right Michael?

Michael Che: What? That’s the whole joke?

Bruce Chandling: Uh-huh! These days they’ll turn anything into sport.

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Horse racing. You heard about this?

Michael Che: Yeah, man.

Bruce Chandling: You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: It is where they put a person on top of a horse and ride around a circle. Now I don’t know about you, Michael, but I never heard about a guy on a horse. [laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? What about cowboys? Okay, I’m sorry. Did you run these jokes by anybody? Like, do you have any friends that you can work your material out on first before you come on national TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Hah-ha-ha. [looks around] I guess… Ha-ha-ha. No, I don’t.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, my bad man. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: And not only do people not want to be around me coz they think I’m boring, but it probably doesn’t help that I’m also very poor.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: [laughing] Jeez. Alright. [Awkward]

Bruce Chandling: You can call me Mr. worthless pile of junk.

Michael Che: Oh, come on. Hey, Bruce. I’m really sorry, bud. Maybe live television isn’t the place to work on your personal issues.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Um-hmm. I guess the only issue I have worked out is that… [smiling] women do not get sports. [laughing]

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce Chadling, everybody.

[Colin Jost laughing]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a license plate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Nebraska has canceled plans for a new license plate design of a man from his seeds after it was noted that the image was sexually suggestive. However, the new design of a man husking corn isn’t much better.

[Cut to Colin Jost. there’s a picture of inside the subway and a knife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police in New York are searching for a teenage girl who stabbed a 13-year-old boy on the subway after a friend of his called her ugly. So, let this be a lesson, kids. Ugly girls are crazy.

[Michael Che laughing]

[Picture changes to Villanova logo]

Congratulations to Villanova who won the NCAA championship game 77 to 74 beating North Carolina on a three-point shot at the buzzer. You know, I wonder if Charles Barkley had any money on the game.

[Cut to a video clip of Charles Barkley watching game and celebrating at the three-point shot at the buzzer. He is dancing and jumping.]

[Cut to Colin Jost.]

That is clearly the celebration of a man who just found out he gets to keep his thumbs.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Warner Brothers logo and cartoon character Speedy Gonzalez at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Warner Brothers is reportedly working on a movie about Speedy Gonzalez. But before you get too excited, it’s called Speedy Gonzalez Vs Batman Vs Superman. So, it’s gonna be bad.

[Picture changes to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton was criticized this week for snapping at Black Lives Matter protestors at a Clinton rally in Philadelphia. And I understand where Bill’s coming from. I mean, he is defending his wife. It doesn’t matter how wrong she is. Coz Bill knows he’s still gonna take his black hands home. And if anybody should support their wife, it’s Bill Clinton. As much as Hillary has put up with, she should be able to fist fight a black baby on BET and Bill better say, “I support that woman.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The owners of an apartment complex in Michigan have all tenants to give DNA samples of their dogs so that they can determine who is not picking up after their pet. And after analyzing the DNA, it turned out the culprit was, well this is weird, OJ Simpson.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of one hand climbing a rock and British flag.]

Michael Che: I don’t believe he did that either. A British woman with only one arm has become a competitive rock climber. She is known for her famous catch phrase, “Help! I’m falling!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of

Colin Jost: This week, Rob Kardashian got engaged to model Black Chyna. Incidentally, Black Chyna is also what my grandfather calls the movie ‘Rush Hour’.

[The End]

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Early today actually, Bernie Sanders won the democratic caucus in Wyoming, his fifth consecutive victory in the primaries. And after winning five in a row, he instinctively shouted, “Bingo!”

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

According to the latest gallup pole, 70% of women have unfavorable view of Donald Trump. While the other 30% have no view at all because they were pepper sprayed at one of his rallies.

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]

While campaigning in New York, Hillary Clinton rode the subway, but it took her five times to swipe her metro card… before realizing that she was actually swiping her Goldman Sachs American Express card. Hillary only rode the subway one stop, though she did make $4 with her break dance crew. [Picture changes to a made up break dance crew of Hillary Clinton]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Bernie Sanders was criticized after he inaccurately said that people riding the New York city subway still use tokens. But in fairness, Bernie actually does still use tokens… in his campaigns! [audience reacting ‘Aw’] Aw? Oh, none of you were there.

[Colin Jost laughing]

[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in a subway.]

While campaigning in New York, Hillary Clinton rode the subway one stop. Not to be outdone, Ted Cruz dragged the slice of pizza down the step with his teeth. [Picture changes to made up Ted Cruz on floor with a pizza in his mouth]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’ a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And Ted Cruz, I’d just like to say on behalf of all New Yorkers, please don’t come here. Okay? You don’t like our New York values and we don’t like you. I mean I never thought I’d actually say this to anyone but he doesn’t deserve to eat in our Bubba Gump Shrimp company. Okay? I mean, even the Time Square Elmo was like, “I don’t wanna take a picture with this guy.” And after your weird veil anti-semitic comments about New York values, you went and made a matzo at a Jewish bakery? What are you doing next? Rolling out the first pitch at a lesbian kickball game? We don’t have values in New York. That’s why we all came to New York. To escape weird people with values like you. So please, don’t criticize New York unless you’re a New Yorker. And your’e not a real New Yorker until you’ve walked into your apartment and found a rat masturbating on your couch. Okay? Then you can criticize New York. But not that much because that rat does pay half the rent.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of inside of a subway at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, candidates are not going to appeal to the New Yorkers by choosing to ride the subway. New Yorkers don’t ride the subway because we like to. We ride the subway because we have to. It’s the last place any of us want to be, unless you really to buy batteries, candies or porno at 9 AM. Or you really enjoy hearing a Puerto Rican teenager call a white lady the N word. Or maybe you just wanna stand in a sticky puddle and guess, “Is this urine or snapple?” Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to see the world’s largest penis on the world’s poorest man. Other than that, there’s no reason to enjoy ride in the subway. In fact, the last person I would ever vote for is somebody I met on the subway.

Weekend Update The Drunkest Contestant on the Bachelor

Colin Jost

The contestant… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This Monday is the season finale of the Bachelor. Here to comment is one woman who made quite an impression early on in the season, please welcome the drunkest contestant on the Bachelor.

[The contestant slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

The contestant: It’s very nice to meet you. Now, close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[The contestant kisses Colin Jost]

Oh!

The contestant: I wanted to be the only person to kiss you on Update. You wanna know why?

Colin Jost: Why?

The contestant: Coz I felt a connection with you, Colin, ever since I saw an opportunity to be on TV. I’m getting emotional. You think I’m crazy? You do.

Colin Jost: No. No. Not at all. No. I just wanna hear about the finale of the Bachelor.

The contestant: You’re such a good guy. And I knew you were worth it. And I left something really good because I thought maybe it would be something really great.

Colin Jost: And what did you leave?

[Cut to The contestant]

The contestant: Saphora sales and state of Colorado.

[Cut to Colin Jost and The contestant]

You think I’m crazy and I’m not. Look at me. You haven’t made eye contact with me since we kissed. You’ve been like looking at Che and glancing at cue cards the whole time. I’m still here. And I need to see that you respect that.

Colin Jost: I promise you I respect that.

The contestant: I’m so glad you just said that. Because I know that I am great TV– I am a great woman. So, let’s start over. Can I get a second chance kiss?

Colin Jost: No. And if Leslie Jones hears about this, we’re both dead.

The contestant: Oh! I am not here to talk about other women. I’m here so other women can talk about me. And I’m not crazy.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that you’re crazy. I never would say that.

The contestant: I’m not crazy.

Colin Jost: Okay. No one here is saying that.

[The contestant is making angry face at Colin Jost]

You have such a beautiful smile. Look, I’m very sorry–

The contestant: I’m not!

Colin Jost: I’m very sorry that you did not win the Bachelor this season.

The contestant: Oh, don’t be sorry. This isn’t my last reality show. I’ll be on TV again. Coz I’m the wide awake nightmare.

Colin Jost: The drunkest contestant on the Bachelor everyone.

Weekend Update Riblet

Michael Che

Riblet… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture changes to map of Amsterdam and handcuffs.]

A gang of drug dealers in Amsterdam were reportedly storing–

[Riblet enters the set]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on! Let’s go.

Michael Che: Reportedly storing 300,000–

[Cut to 1, Michael Che and Riblet]

Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on, man! Let’s go. I got a bootleg copy of Batman hates Superman.

Michael Che: Dude, yo’re in the shot.

Riblet: Man, I think they got a Honder Hwoman in there. Come on, man!

Michael Che: You’re in the shot. You’re ruining this.

Riblet: Oh, we live right now? We live at five? Yo, introduce me then.

Michael Che: I’m sorry. It’s my friend from high school, Riblet everybody.

[Riblet climbs over the table and sits next to Michael Che]

Riblet: It’s Riblet baby living clean in 2016.

Michael Che: Riblet, I’m in the middle of a live show here, man. I don’t have time to go watch movies with you.

Riblet: What? Man, you never got time for Riblet no more, man! Come on, now.

Michael Che: I got a job.

Riblet: Oh, you a punk man! Get someone to cover your shift. That’s what I did at Friendly’s, never home of the fribble.

Michael Che: Well, this isn’t Friendly’s, Riblet. Okay? This is a good job. You can’t just get anybody to do this job.

Riblet: Phrrr. Please! This jorb ain’t that hord! Come on man, check it. Watch, I’ll do it right now. Ay, yo Don, give me a key on three, baby.

Michael Che: How do you know Don?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of IHOP logo and Mississippi map at right top corner.]

Riblet: A massive sinkhole opened in a parking lot of Mississippi IHOP swallowing more than a dozen cars. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re eating at a Mississippi IHOP, it’s to sink lower.

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Oh! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Now hurry up Che. Table four needs a fribble. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know where table four is? It’s a trick question. Table four is a booth. Dang!

Michael Che: That wasn’t a question or a trick, man! Can you please just go? I’m serious.

Riblet: What? I’m serious about watching this movie, man. Lex Luthor got hairs now. And I’m fixing to find out why. Okay? So, let’s keep this train rolling my dude. Ayo Don, break me on someting.

Michael Che: Why are you helping him?

[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of J.K. Rowling at right top corner.]

Riblet: Some native American groups are upset with the new J.K. Rowling story that they say is disrespectful of their culture. Which you can tell from the title, ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Blankets’. [yelling] Oh! That ain’t even a real book. I photoshorped it. And it ain’t even there, man! It’s ghost news.[The picture disappears]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]

Michael Che: You know, there’s a lot more to this job than just reading jokes–

Riblet: [mocking] Oh really? There’s a lot more?

Michael Che: Yeah man, it is.

Riblet: Okay, man. You know what? I stand corrected. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Okay. I guess– I did not. I’m apologizing. I guess you would have to have something like new surprising moves every week.

Michael Che: That’d be nice. It would.

Riblet: Wait a minute. [putting a finger in his ear and listening] I’m getting something. My ear from the booth. Hold on. Oh, it looks like we have a special report. Let’s go live to our man on the street, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in street]

Riblet in street: Thanks Riblet. Good evening. Riblet St. James here reporting live from the Lorry side. The line started forming days ago and it has been a revolving door of random man in and out of this building all weekend long. Whatever they are lining up for, they can’t seem to get enough, Riblet.

[Cut to Riblet in set]

Riblet: Okay, and where did you say you were, Riblet?

[Cut to split screen]

Riblet in street: Okay, I am currently outside Che’s mama’s house.

Riblet: Damn! Yo, sign him off, Riblet. Do your thing.

Riblet in street: This is Riblet St. James. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Back to you, Riblet.

[Both Riblets do the mic-drop and start dancing.]

[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet in the set]

Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of map of Maine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A seafood whole-seller in Maine has acquired a rare four-clawed lobster. And in other news, a woman’s dog has been missing since Halloween. [Picture changes to a dog wearing a lobster costume.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Peyton Manning at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Peyton Manning announced his retirement from football this week. Explained Manning, “I’d rather not get brain damage.”

[Picture changes to MTA bus]

New York’s MTA has unveiled new high-tech city buses that feature USB ports.  As in, “Hey, on the bus today I saw a guy put his penis in the USB port.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dos Equis beer logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The makers of the beer Dos Equis announced that they are retiring their famous most interesting man in the world ad campaign. He will now go back to his original name, “Greg the lying alcoholic”.

[Picture changes to a calendar marking March 2016]

March is women’s history month. So ladies, that cake is not gonna bake itself. Before you ladies get angry and send a bunch of messages about how sexist that joke is, let me just remind you… to finish baking that cake. Colin!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: What? Don’t throw it to me. Happy birthday to Mitt Romney who today turned 69. Which for Mormons is a sin.

[Picture changes to $ sign]

A new study suggest that heavier women get paid less than thinner women. That is unless Che is at the strip club.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brazilian flag and a penguin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And they say black guys don’t tip. A man in Brazil says that a penguin he rescued five years ago swims more than 5000 miles every year just to visit him. That’s how good the sex is.

Weekend Update 1

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a rally at right top corner.]

Donald Trump had to cancel a rally in Chicago last night over security concerns. Believe it or not, the most racially divisive candidate showed up to the most violent city in the country and things did not go smoothly. Who would have thought? That when these people try to have a reasonable and productive conversation with this lady, [Picture changes to a lady raising her hand wearing Trump t-shirt in the crowd] somehow they couldn’t find common ground. What did they think was gonna happen? She was gonna lower her Nazi’s salute to say, “Hey, you know, you’re making a good point, Kareem.” Also, can we just talk about how adorable this little old racist lady is? She shouldn’t be at a rally. She should be at home teaching her parrot the N word. And where have I seen her before? She looks– [Picture changes to girl raising her hand emoji] Oh, there she is.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Then, after the whole incident at Chicago last night, Trump went to Ohio this morning and did this.

[Cut to Donald Trump speaking]

Donald Trump: The liberals hate the conservatives. We have got to change our thinking. And yeah, if there’s a group out there, just throw them the hell out.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, he said, “Get the hell out” and then he did a twirl. Like Maury Povich just told him he’s not the father. And then later, Trump ragged that people have been protesting him his entire life as if that’s a normal good thing. Like saying, “Oh, this rash? It has always been there.” Trump is like that guy who says that every single one of his ex girlfriends has been ‘crazy’. I don’t know, man. I think it might be you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s speech at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, if you’re going to a Trump rally to protest, god bless you coz I’m not. You won’t see me as some goofy Nazi prom getting punched in the face by some strong ass 80 year old racist. Look at this guy. He has been dreaming about punching a black dude since the first time he heard Jazz on the radio.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Kasich at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, John Kasich stressed the importance of legal immigration saying that without it, he’d been running for president of Croatia, where incidentally he’s also Trailing by 30points.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson endorsed Donald Trump for president saying he has the vision and energy to win. Because nobody knows more about vision and energy than the guy who looks like he’s just got hit with a tranquilizer dart.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders]

An analysis of this past weekend’s primary victory shows that Bernie Sanders spent 48 cents per vote. It would have been a dollar but he had a coupon.

Weekend Update The Girl At a Party

The Girl… Cecily Strong

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The primaries have been specially divisive this year. Here with her take is the girl you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The Girl slides in]

The Girl: Hi, Michael. Just so you know, if it were up to me, every year would be a black history month.

Michael Che: Thanks. So, what do you think about the primaries so far?

The Girl: What do I think about them? [Cut to The Girl] They disgust me. The candidates are truly appalsive. And now Ben Carson’s just pulling out? And we’re supposed to believe that’s the most effective form of birth control? No! It’s like, no wonder everyone has the xenovirus. And it’s like, maybe LeoCaprio is right. Bears!

[Cut to The Girl and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay. So I take it you’re disappointed with the candidates?

The Girl: People need to start paying intention, Michael. When the alarm goes off, stop hitting excuse button. [Cut to The Girl] Coz there are women in Africa right now who have to walk three miles just to see zootopia. And news flash, Michael, [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] you haven’t even asked me if I’m transgendered yet.

[The Girl pulls her phone out of her bag]

Michael Che: Are you transgendered?

The Girl: How dare you ask me that?

[The Girl is making faces on the phone]

Michael Che: What are you doing?

The Girl: I just snapchatted you but your face is a tiger and I’m normal.

Michael Che: Cool. So, are you voting democrats or–

The Girl: Why do we have to Libya everything, Michael? [Cut to The Girl] Why can’t there be a black James Bond or white Jackie Chan or we rate Bill Cosby? Coz guess what? If you’re not part of the sudoku, you’re part of the answer. And it’s multiple choice. And you’re none of the above. And P.S., why do we even need super delegates? Why can’t we just talk to superman directly? [Cut to The Girl and Michael Che] And I’m asking you, Michael, because hashtag, black guys matter. So, real quick, I’ma sing you all of Hamilton.

[signing] How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore 
And a Scotsman, —

Michael Che: Stop! Please, stop please.

The Girl: Fine, but you could have learned something about history. [looking around] Jasmine! Jasmine!

Michael Che: Was that your friend?

The Girl: No. She’s my Uber driver. I think she’s circling the studio. How many minutes away is that? See.

Michael Che: That’s tetris.

The Girl: Okay, fine. You know what? I wanna give you some thing. This is knife I found at OJ Simpson’s house. Wait, who do you think will play you in a movie?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Maybe Denzel Washington.

The Girl: I would choose a homeless woman so she could work. But I’m sure Denzel would be appreciative too. Wait, real quick. Wrap your hands around my neck like you’re gonna choke me.

Michael Che: No.

The Girl: Alright, fine. Just slap me really hard. It’s about Wall Street.

Michael Che: Just tell us who you’re voting for.

The Girl: Alright fine. Here, hold this.

[The Girl hands her purse to Michael Che]

Oh, look. This man stole my purse. And he’s white. What? Boom! That’s progress. You’re welcome. Now I need that back coz there are some adderall in there.

Michael Che: Girl at a party, everybody.

The Girl: Vaccines are a scam.

Weekend Update Jay Pharoah Talks About Black Comedians

Colin Jost

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, comedian Katt Williams made headlines for taking verbal shots at rival comedian Kevin Hart. However, the dispute was reportedly settled at a secret meeting of black comedians in Hollywood. Here to talk more about this our own, Jay Pharoah.

[Jay Pharoah slides in]

Jay Pharoah: Woo! Wad up, everybody?

Colin Jost: How’s it going, Jay? Tell us about this secret meeting.

Jay Pharoah: Okay. The black comedians’ meeting?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Jay Pharoah: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] We hold one every year at Eddie Murphy’s house. In his bowling alley.

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. And then tell us, what happened?

Jay Pharoah: Okay, so first [Cut to Jay Pharoah] Katt got up right? And Katt was like, [doing Katt Williams impression] “Now first you gotta understand something boo-boo. This right here, this right here, this is war. There can be only one munchkin on top you ragged son of a bitch!

You know, but that’s when Kevin got up and Kev was like, [doing Kevin Hart impression] “First of all, pow! Ping pang bow! Here’s the problem. I’ll tell you what the problem is. First of all, you got a pern. Only black man get away with a pern is Prince. And he is Prince. You’re not Prince. You got to say hi to Prince, I do too, but I smile. Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

And that’s when Dave Chappelle stands and–

Colin Jost: Hold on. Dave Chappelle was there too?

Jay Pharoah: I said it was all of us, Colin. [Cut to Jay Pharoah] So, Chappelle is like, [doing Dave Chappelle impression] “Hold on, baby. Everybody just calm down, son. Just calm down. We black, ou! We need to stick together. Trust me son. Hollywood is expecting us to fail baby. Let’s just calm down, go to Africa for a few years till everything cools off.”

[doing Chris Rock impression] “Africa? Dave, who wanna go to Africa? Africans don’t even wanna go to Africa. And they live there. [making faces]

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So, that’s Chris Rock?

Jay Pharoah: Yeah, yeah. So then Eddie gets up, [Cut to Jay Pharoah] and he’s like, [doing Eddie Murphy impression] “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second. Everybody just relax okay? Everybody just relax. Everybody just relax. Everybody just cool out, alright? You know what I’m saying? We’re doing great at bowling, okay? Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan, it’s your turn to bowl. Pick up the ball. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, yea. Tracy Morgan, ladies and gentlemen.”

And Tracy gets up, [doing Tracy Morgan impression] “Listen, I’ll bowl. I’ll bowl Eddie. I’ll bowl, you know. I’ll bowl right now. You know, Jackie Gleason is my biological father.”

And then Chris Tucker was like, [doing Chris Tucker impression] “Man! Then hurry up and bowl man. Damn! You’re holding up the game man. Damn, man!”

And then Hannibal Buress goes, [doing Hannibal Buress impression] “Okay, I just don’t understand why errybody has to yell in a site man, over bowling match in a living room. This is weird on so many levels.”

And then, Bernie Mac got up and said, [doing Bernie Mac impression] “Hmm, next time one of you son of a bitches have a party at Eddie Murphy’s house and don’t invite Macman, I’ma bust one of yous son of a bitches head to the white meat.”

[Cut to Jay Pharoah and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Hold on. Bernie Mac?

Jay Pharoah: Listen man, you got me. Honestly Colin, I made it all up. That’s what I do.

Colin Jost: Okay. Jay Pharoah, everyone.

Jay Pharoah: Boom!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Flossy Dicky… Kate McKinnon

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Pornhub logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: According to the adult website Pornhub, the searched for term in the 30 of the 50 states was lesbian. But keep in mind, Michael travels a lot. [Picture changes to Michael Che]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Harry Reid at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It’s lonely on the road. Senate minority leader Harry Reid said that the republican party has created a ‘Frankenstein Monster’ in Donald Trump. They’ve also created sort of a [Picture changes to Ted Cruz] fat dracula.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: And now new segment here on Weekend Update. News From the Future.

[News From the Future intro]

Male voice: News from the future.

[Cut to Future in the dressing room]

Future: [looks at the camera after a while] I told you I didn’t want to do this. Get out of here. What you all doing?

[News From the Future outro]

Male voice: This is been News from the future.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Irish flag, cocaine and a Christian cross at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A catholic priest in Ireland was caught on video snorting cocaine in a room adorn with Nazi symbols. Okay, but show me where in the bible, it says you can’t do that?

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: You know, last week a woman named Flossy Dicky turned 110 years old, making her the oldest woman in the state of Washington.

Colin Jost: That’s right. So we sent our own Vanessa Bayer to Spokane to give the birthday girl our best wishes. Hi, Vanessa.

[Cut to Vanessa and Flossy]

Vanessa: Hi, Colin and Michael. She has lived through the sinking of the Titanic, the depression and two world wars. And feisty, Flossy Dicky is still going strong. Flossy, how are you feeling on your big day?

Flossy: I am tired.

Vanessa: I bet. And what are you gonna do to ring in 110?

Flossy: Take a nap.

Vanessa: Yes. Who doesn’t love a good nap? I bet you’ve wrecked up a lot of crazy stories. Can you tell us one?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

[Vaness laughing]

I guess some stories are best left untold. Back to you Colin and Michael.

[Cut to split screen]

Colin Jost: Actually, we aren’t quite done yet, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Oh, no?

Michael Che: No, no, no. We heard that Flossy still has a few things left on her bucket list. Can you ask her about them?

Vanessa: Sure, Michael. Flossy, your nurses told me one thing you still want to do is ride in a red lamborghini. Is that true Flossy?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Do you want a ride in a red lamborghini, Flossy?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Is that what you want? To ride around in a red lamborghini?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

A bright red lamborghini, Flossy. Is that what you want to ride in?

Flossy: Leave this place.

Vanessa: Well, you heard the woman. Back to you guys. And don’t come back to me.

[Cut to split screen]

Colin Jost: Actually Vanessa, could you just ask her what is the key to living a long life?

Vanessa: She’s not gonna answer. Flossy, what is the key to living a long life?

[Flossy doesn’t speak]

Well, I guess the girl has to have her secrets. And I’m going to tell Flossy one of my own right now.

[Vanessa whisper’s at Flossy’s ears]

Flossy: She cussed at me. She said I’m ruining this.

Vanessa: No I didn’t. Back to you guys. And if you cut back to me, I swear I’m going to say the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Vanessa!

Colin Jost: Flossy Dicky and Vanessa Bayer everyone. Thank you.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a monkey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have designed a new device that allows monkeys to control a wheelchair with their mind. And you can read all about in this week’s issue of…”But Why Tho?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City officials have ruled that beginning Monday, they will stop arresting people who urinate and consume alcohol in public. The ruling is more commonly known as “Elmo’s law”.

[Picture changes to Jared Fogle]

You’ll love this one. After just three months in prison, former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has already gained thirty pounds. But that’s what happens when your portions stop being child size. Oh, I’m the bad guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah. [Colin laughing] A Florida woman found a missing cat from Wisconsin which had wandered nearly 1500 miles over two months. Or, and hear me out, sometimes cats look like other cats.