Tag: Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Donald Trump, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Wow, where do we even start this week? [Michael Che laughing] Somehow with OJ Simpson. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.] How surreal was that yesterday? I was watching CNN and they were like, “We interrupt this coverage of Donald Trump talking about the size of his hands to bring you an exciting update in the OJ Simpson murder investigation.” I was like, “Wow! FX is realy going all in it’s marketing campaign.” Then the LAPD holds a press conference and they say, “Here is what we know so far. A construction worker found a knife at OJ’s house and he gave the knife to one of our cops. And the cops said, “Cool. Free knife. I’d better hand on to his for 18 years.” Then I guess he saw the show on FX and he was like, “Oh! That OJ Simpson.” So, in the end, the whole point of the LAPD press conference was just saying, “Hey guys, remember how we got accused of mishandling evidence like, 20 years ago? Well, we still got it.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Ben Carson formally ended his presidential campaign. Said Carson, [acting like Ben Carson] “My what now?” With Carson dropping out, this was not a good week for black guys who may have stabbed people. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson.]

Also this week, [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton and Katy Perry on a stage] Hillary Clinton hosted a fundraiser at New York city’s Radio City music hall bringing out a star studded lineup that included singer Katy Perry. So yeah, Bill was there. [Picture changes to Bill Clinton]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During Thursday’s republican debate, Donald Trump went on record and guaranteed that he doesn’t have a small penis. First of all, congratulations… just to America. Second, I wanna point out that if women have problems with Donald Trump on a physical level, penis size is not even in their top 10 complaints. You don’t hear a lot of women say, “I’m pretty much there on Donald Trump sexually. Just waiting on the dong measurement.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of GOP debate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: And unlike republicans, I don’t want to sink to that level of talking about penis size, but since we’re here, you know who I feel bad for is Ben Carson. He picked a hell of a time to drop out. Coz there is no way he doesn’t have the biggest penis of them all. Not because he’s black. But because he’s a little slow.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I don’t know how I get it. Bernie Sanders raised over $40 million from donors this month. Sanders’ campaign is now so rich, it’s voting for Hillary Clinton.

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Chipotle logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Every Chipotle in the country this week shut down for four hours to hold a company wide staff meeting about food safety. Meanwhile, Panda Express shut down for two hours to hold underground rat fights. [Picture changes to two rats and a man holding money.]

Michael Che: So much money on rat fight.

Colin Jost: A new survey lists the most romantic city in the country as Alexandria, Virginia, while the least romantic city is once again Flu Farts, Ohio.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of OJ Simpson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The renowned doctor who discovered CTE in football players says that he is absolutely certain that OJ Simpson suffers from the condition. He believes OJ develops CTE due to repeated injuries he suffered while committing double murder.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But do you get it?

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At a rally Baden Rose this week, Donald Trump singed the hand of a toddler. The message sweetly and simply, “Deport me.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ted Cruz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just yesterday, Ted Cruz pulled a new campaign ad after it was revealed that a woman featured in the ad was a former softcore porn actress. And once you know she’s a porn actress, the guy’s entrance at the end of the ad is a lot more fun. Here it is.

[Cut to the ad]

Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

[They are having a focus group meet]

[A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]

Man: You guys have room for one more?

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m beginning to think that started as a porno and then they just ended up talking about Ted Cruz. I mean, listen to it again with a music turned up.

[Cut to the ad]

Woman: Maybe you should vote for more than just a pretty face next time.

[They are having a focus group meet]

[A man walks in wearing Marco Rubio t-shirt]

[porn music playing]

Man: You guys have room for one more?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I’m Ted Cruz. And I approve this [dubbed in different voice] porno.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: All seamless voicover.

[Picture changes to North Korean flag]

Us officials say that the satellite North Korea launched into orbit is tumbling and incapable of functioning. Earning it the nick name, Marco Rubio.

[Picture changes to Peyton Manning]

Anheuser Busch is saying that Peyton Manning was not paid to say that he was going to say he wanted to drink a lot of Budweiser after the Super Bowl. And I guess it was just a coincidence that he left the field on a wagon drawn by clydesdales screaming, “Wazzaup?”

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Republican logo at left top corner.]

Tonight’s GOP debate just ended in South Carolina and Donald Trump was repeatedly boo-ed throughout the evening. Here’s a quick clip of Trump responding to Jeb Bush.

[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [audience boo-ing]

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And the crazy thing is all Jeb said was, “It’s great to be here in South Carolina.” And also, don’t you guys know? You can’t boo Donald Trump. He doesn’t hear boo’s. If you boo Donald Trump, in his head, it’s just this.

[Cut to split screen of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Jeb is so wrong. Jeb is absolutely– [edited clip of girls cheering]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Democrat’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At the Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders both made consorted efforts to appeal to African-American voters. One, a lot more than the other. [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton wearing Beyonce outfit.]

At the end of that debate, Hillary pulled hot-sauce out her bag.

[Picture changes to Bernie Sanders and Al Sharpton at the same table]

This week, Benie Sanders met with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem. And let’s just say they did not tip well.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton at their podiums at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During the democratic debate, Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders saying that he needs to be more honest with voters about the difficulty of accomplishing many of his proposals. While Clinton’s critics say she has to be honest with voters about–

[funny music playing]

[A list appears]

[List- Benghazi, private email server, Goldman Sachs speaking fees, whitewater, healthcare gate, troopergate, travelgate, filegate, paradongate, mishandling of classified emails, lied about sniper fire in Bosnia, questionable profits from selling cattle futures, Vince Foster, support of DOMA, support of don’t ask don’t tell, questionable use of Clinton Foundation Donations, Clinton Foundation conflicts on interest, Clinton Foundation tax returns, took furniture from White House.]

All that stuff and– [funny music playing and list appears again] Oh, there’s more?

[List- Did not declare gifts from King of Morocco, used influence to have brother appointed to Haiti mining company, campaigns of intimidation against opponents, Sydney blumenthal advice, connection to Radical Saul Alinsky, pressured Huma Abedin to divorce Anthony Weiner, connection to Peter Franklin Paul, missing law firm billing records, conflicts of interest in foggy bottom, received campaign funds from Iranian government, sale of uranium to Russia in exchange for donations, IRS audit against conservative groups.]

You gotta be honest about that.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump promised this week that he will stop using profanity and other vulgar language on the campaign trail saying, “As we get closer, you will be shocked at how presidential I’ll be.” Adding, “You’ll love it so much, you’ll cream your jeans.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Beyonce at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week, Beyonce faced outrage for her controversial half time performance. But also, no she didn’t. Can we just stop overusing the word ‘outrage’? When did ‘outrage’ go from pitchforks and torches to strongly worded tweets? I mean, even if you were outraged, what are you really gonna do about it? What? Stop listening to Beyonce? Impossible! She’s too good. She’s like the Beyonce of music. And the better you are at something, the more you can get away with. You know, not a long ago, there was an actual petition to kick Justin Bieber out of the country just for being a horrible person. And then we heard that song ‘Sorry’ and we were like, “Ah, you can stay man.” People got mad when Kanye tweeted Bill Cosby is innocent this week. But my first thought was, “Damn! Kanye’s new album must be dope!” And it is! When you’re that dope, you can say whatever you want. My grandmother is the most prejudiced person I know and we all ignore it. Why? Because she is Beyonce of sweet potato pies.

[The End]

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of arm protesters at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The arm protesters in Oregon after they made a plea for supplies and were sent a box containing sex toys. They were so upset, you could hear them loudly moaning about it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Applebee’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! A woman in California is claiming that she found a severed fingertip in an Applebee’s salad. Despite their promise to only add a tip for parties of six or more.

[Picture changes to

According to reports, former New York city mayor Mike Bloomberg has secretly commissioned a poll last month to see how he would do if he ran for president as a third party candidate. And I for one would love to see Bloomberg run against Trump. They’re both New York billionaires, yet they’re so different. It’s like the political version of the movie Twins. Bloomberg, he looks like he’d speak softly and carry a big stick. Trump looks like he yell loudly while his goons beat you with sticks. Or maybe they should just team up. Trump is always saying, “I’m gonna get the smartest guys.” Bloomberg is the smartest guy. He could be the whole branch to the operation and live inside Trump like Krang from Ninja Turtles. But mostly I just want to see Bloomberg at a campaign rally in Mississippi and he tells everyone he’s taking their sodas away and they just rip him to pieces. Plus, if we follow a black president from Chicago with a Jewish president from New York, the south is definitely gonna secede again. How do we even top that? We’d have to find a Muslim president from Hollywood. Pressure’s on, [Picture changes to Naveen Andrews in the series Lost] Sayid from Lost.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a ‘GuyFi’ booth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British sex toy company has constructed a private booth in New York city for men to masturbate in. Good! Coz I’m getting tired of doing it in Colin’s office.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Che: Ah! I’m kidding man. I would never… get tired of masturbating in your office.

Colin Jost: Come on, man! I sleep in there.

[Picture changes to a cigarette with written “Second-hand smoke”]

Michael Che: A new study finds that nearly half of non-smoking teenagers in the US are exposed to second hand smoke. While the other half don’t have step-dads.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Arizona map and a police car at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow! Big step-dad’s crew here tonight. Arizona police arrested a man who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania to have sex with a horse. I mean, is that why he said he was there? Because if so, he definitely came to do something way worse. “Hey you, what are you doing?” “Me? Nothing. I was just gonna have sex with a horse. Okay, you got me. I’m ISIS.”

[Picture changes to science experiment equipment]

A new study finds that the most common names of geniuses are John and Mary. While the least common are Becky and Shaq.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a snake and Oregon map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oregon police arrested a man who tried to steal a two foot long python from a pet store from stuffing it down his pants. Yeah, said the man, “I’ll give you a hint about which snake in my pants is bigger. It’s the one that just bit my penis.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a truck and Virginia map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A teenage girl in Virginia saved her father after he was trapped under a burning pickup truck and she lifted if off him. And that story has already been nominated for eight country music awards.