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Weekend Update: Ash Wednesday | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost at his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar marking 6th of March at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: This Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, the day where white people show their support for [The picture changes to 21 Savage and a white person with similar tattoo imitation on his forehead] 21 Savage.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of ‘Leaving Neverland’ at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: That’s a good joke. Last week—Last week HBO aired ‘Leaving Neverland’, a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray. Okay, but whose side do you take? [Picture changes to flight attendants] Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear make-up and skirts just as long as their husbands sign the consent form. I’ll stand by it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth and Instagram logo at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Queen Elizabeth II has posted her first ever picture on Instagram. Finally a chance for commoners to directly tell the queen, ‘Show Feet’. A new survey lists the best city to live in the country as Boise Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pills at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Two men in New Jersey were arrested with $150 million worth of opioids. For reference, here’s what $150 million worth of opioids looks like. [Picture changes to Lil’ Pump] [Picture changes to a roller coaster] A British group set a new world record when more than 200 people rode a roller coaster naked. Breaking the previous record of one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Batman Comic at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Batman turns 80 years old this month which explains his new arch nemesis Jamaican Nurse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of clouds at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: That’s a good one. A man in Italy captured a picture that he says looks like Jesus shining through the clouds. Or hear me out, it was just the sun.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of sewage at the left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Sanitation officials cleaning out sewage lines are reporting finding swamp monsters which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes, underwater, fingers and false teeth which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up [Picture changes to Rudy Guiliani]  Rudy Guiliani.

Weekend Update: Pete Davidson on R. Kelly and Michael Jackson | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin jost

Pete Davidson

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost at his set]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of controversy surrounding recent documentaries about R. Kelly and Michael Jackson. Here with his thoughts is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Colin Jost]

Pete Davidson: How are you doing man? Hey, Colin. So have you guys seen the R. Kelly documentary?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Pete, I did.

Pete Davidson: Okay now, before I continue, this guy is a monster. And he should go to jail forever. But if you support the Catholic church, isn’t that like the same thing as being an R. Kelly fan? [Cut to Pete Davidson] I don’t really see the difference, only one’s music is significantly better. No, because the other day my mom was like, “I’m going to mass”. And I was like, “Okay, I’m going to go listen to the ‘Ignition’ remix”. Look, I’m not saying it’s an easy decision. I’m just saying you don’t know how good someone’s music really is until you find out they’re a pedophile. And the reason everybody is so upset is because R. Kelly and Michael Jackson made great music, you know. if I found out McLemore did some weird stuff, I’d be happy to free up some space on my iPhone. It just depends on who did it, you know. I understand people  who say, “How can you listen to that music after what he did”. Headphones? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Believe me, look, once we start doing our research, [Cut to Pete Davidson] we’re going to have much left, because it seems like all really talented people are sick. [Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost] Don’t’ worry Colin me and you are good.

Colin Jost: Okay, good.

Pete Davidson: Not Che though. Che’s a genius.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Wait, what?

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Look, I don’t know what it is with talented people. You know, Charlie Chaplin was the first movie star ever, and he married a 15 year old. And he couldn’t even talk.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: He could talk in real life.

Pete Davidson: No, he couldn’t. I saw all the footage. He didn’t talk once. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  That’s why he’s a silent film star. So with guys like R. Kelly, the rule should be, if you warrant to listen to their music, you just have to admit that they’re bad people.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Is it that hard to just stop listening to them all entirely?

Pete Davidson: Well, you don’t listen to R. Kelly. But, what if you found out the inventor of hair gel got caught jerking it on a train. You can’ use hair gel any more?

Colin Jost: That’s a good point, actually.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. All I’m saying is like, pretending these people never existed is maybe not the solution. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  The rules should be that you can appreciate their work but only if you admit what they did, you know. You can buy a Mustang but only if you say “Henry Ford hated the Jews” as you buckle in. The first sentence should be, “Mark Wahlberg beat up an old Asian dude” and I would like one ticket to Daddy’s Home 3 please.” Because if it’s that important to you, at least own it. I don’t even need to see a Kevin Spacey movie again. But if CEO of Swisher Sweets turns out to be a cannibal, I can’t just change my whole life. So here’s my plan and hopefully you guys like it. Every time any of us listen to a song or watch a movie made by an accused serial predator, you have to give a dollar to charity that helps sexual assault survivors. I’ve already donated $142. That’s just from the ‘Ignition’ remix alone..

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s really nice, Pete. Is there anything else you want to talk about? Anything else going on?

Pete Davidson: No, I don’t think so.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh, not like a new girlfriend situation or anything?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Pete Davidson]  So apparently people have a crazy fascination with our age difference. But it doesn’t really bother us. But then again, I’m new to this. So if you have questions about a relationship with a big age difference just ask Leonardo DiCaprio, Jason Statham, Michael Douglas, Richard Gere, Jeff Goldblum, Scott Disick, George Clooney, Dane Cook, Derek Jeter, Bruce Willis, Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee, Sean Penn, whoever the president of France is, Mel Gibson, Billy Joel, Ben Kingsley, Mick Jagger, Live Schreiber, Sylvester Stallone, Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, Larry King, Rod Steward and Donald Trump.

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: You’re going down, Che. You’re going down.

Michael Che: I don’t even know what I did.

Weekend Update: Leslie Jones’ Funeral Plans | Season 44 Episode 15

Michael Che

Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che at his news set]

Michael Che: Spring is around the corner which means lots of brides have been planning their weddings. Here to talk about what she’s here to talk about what she’s been planning in our own Leslie Jones.

[Leslie Jones joins Michael Che]

Leslie Jones: Woo! How you doing Mr. Che.

Michael Che: You can just call me Michael.

Leslie Jones: Yeah, I don’t really know you like that. I ain’t never been on this side of the desk. So it’s Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Okay. So you’re planning a wedding?

Leslie Jones: Hell, no. I’m never getting married. But I am planning the big show, my funeral. Ha-ha.

Michael Che: Are you dying?

Leslie Jones: No, Mr. Che, don’t worry. I just want to make sure [Cut to Leslie Jones] my funeral is planned the way I want it. First off, it’s going to be an open casket. Because I’m going to be naked.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: What?

Leslie Jones: Yeah, it’s the last time everybody’s going to get to see me. So I want them to see it all. I got nothing to hide. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I’ve been trying to get you all to see me naked for a while now. Also, my funeral is a 90 minutes service. Okay, ain’t going to be six hour Aretha franklin shenanigans. Everybody don’t need to speak. For real, my casket is set to blow up if the funeral goes longer than 90 minutes.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Who do you want to speak at your funeral?

Leslie Jones: Stifler. Stifler is going to speak.

Michael Che: Stifler from ‘American Pie’?

Leslie Jones: I love him. Let’s see, who else is on the guest list?

Michael Che: You got a guest list for you funeral?

Leslie Jones: And a seating chart. I told you Mr. Che, this is the big show.

Michael Che: It’s just Michael.

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones:  So J. Lo and A. Rod, congrats. You’re going to be sitting court-side, but I need to make something very clear, J. Lo, you ain’t going to be singing bitch. I love you, boo, but no. Okay, I want Fantasia Barrino to sing. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: From ‘American Idol’?

Leslie Jones: No, not the Fantasia white people know. I want the Fantasia black people know. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want the back of the church eating a fish sandwich Fantasia. I want the sweaty face kicking her shoes off before she goes  [making weird noise]–  That’s Fantasia Barrino I want. And I want everything at my funeral. I want run from Run-DMC. To be the preacher. I want the little girl from the Sia videos to come out and do an interpretive dance of my life. There’s going to be a cash bar. Because my cousin Tamina is bartending and she needs that money.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: And then you’re going to be buried?

Leslie Jones: No, I don’t want a burial. [Cut to Leslie Jones] I want my naked body to be put on a float and floated out to sea. And have Aquaman dressed upa as Khal Drogo.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Jason Momoa?

Leslie Jones: Ain’t no man with the look like that should be going by the name Jason. [Cut to Leslie Jones] His name is Aquaman. So I want Aquaman dressed as Khal Drogo to shoot an arrow of fire at my body and burn me like the warrior princess I am. And then turn my ashes into weed.

[Cut to Michael Che and Leslie Jones]

Michael Che: Leslie Jones, everybody. For weekend update.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Magic Show | Season 44 Episode 15

Rudulfo… Idris Elba

Sheila… Leslie Jones

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Rudulfo on the stage]

Rudulfo: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I am great Rudulfo. Welcome to a world where impossible is quite possible. My usual assistant won’t be joining us tonight. She called in pregnant. She told me she wasn’t even dating, so how did that happen? Magic. Okay, luckily the manager of the casino said his wife would be willing [Cut to the Clarence nodding his head] to fill as she was pretty much the same size. [Cut to Rudulfo] Let’s all meet her. Please welcome, Sheila.

[Sheila walks in]

Rudulfo: What the–? [Shocked looking at her size. She is too big.]

Sheila: I’m here, master.

Rudulfo: Oh, no, you don’t have to call me master. Wow, you look lovely.

Sheila: Thank you, [Cut to Sheila] I put on your assistant’s costume. I guess we’re both size two. I was destined to be your assistant.

[Cut to Clarence clapping]

Clarence: That’s right, baby. You can do anything, go ahead, baby.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you Clarence. That’s my husband. He’s old, but he knows how to handle a real woman.

[Cut to Clarence clapping]

Clarence: That’s right, baby, you going to be great, baby.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: No doubt. But a lot of my illusions have been custom made for my previous assistance.

[Cut to Sheila]

Sheila: I ain’t worried about that, let’s do some magic.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Okay, let’s get started with the first trick. Behold, a box from ancient Egypt. My lovely assistant would step inside.

[Rudulfo opens the box and Sheila tries to get inside]

Sheila: Yes, master.

[Sheila is struggling to enter because she is too big]

Rudulfo: Okay, get your head in there.

Sheila: Hold on a second.

Rudulfo: Okay? Okay, breathe in a little.

[Rudulfo closes the door]

Sheila: Okay. I got it.

Clarence: You got this, baby?

[Rudulfo brings a sword]

Rudulfo: Ancient law has it that no blade shall touch the pure of heart. Sheila, are you ready?

Sheila: Yes, I am, master.

Rudulfo: Is your back arched like a graceful swan.

Sheila: No, it is not. But let’s do this.

Rudulfo: Okay. [Piercing the box with the sword] Shaka-laka–

Sheila: Ouch!

Rudulfo: Okay, that’s enough of that.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: No, no, no, she can handle it. Stick the sword in there.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Okay. [Piercing the box with the sword] Shaka–

Sheila: Ouch!

Rudulfo: Okay, that’s enough.

[Rudulfo opens the door]

[Sheila comes out of the box with lot of blood but still happy]

Sheila: The great Rudolfo, everyone. Would you like to levitate me now, master?

Rudulfo: No, perhaps we should postpone the show.

Sheila: No, come on, I can do this.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Yeah, she’s right, let her do stuff.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Very well, for our finale tonight, behold, the water tank of death. You, sir.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Come on baby, you got this, just like that time you fell in the tub.

[Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila]

Rudulfo: Sir, come up here and put these handcuffs on me.

[Cut to Clarence]

Clarence: Oh, absolutely.

Rudulfo: Now, [Cut to Rudulfo and Sheila] the average man can hold their breath for two minutes, with my arms shackled. I have 120 seconds to release my assistant before the water becomes a watery tomb.

Clarence: This is what I’m talking about.

Rudulfo: When you are ready, descend into the tank.

Sheila: I will descend into the tank now master.

Rudulfo: Start the clock.

[Sheila doesn’t want to get in the tub because of cold water]

Sheila: Wait a minute, they do this every night.

Rudulfo: I’m having trouble with my chain. Is my assistant inside?

Sheila: Almost here, master. Okay. Save me Rudolfo.

[Sheila slowly gets inside the water tank, but she doesn’t even drown in the tank because she’s too big]

Clarence: You’re supposed to put your head under the water.

Sheila: I did, shut up.

Clarence: Hey, man, what is going on here? [Cut to Rudulfo and Clarence] I paid you good money to kill my wife.

Rudulfo: I’m trying to, man. But she’s not making it easy.

[Cut to the stage with everybody]

Clarence: You’re damn right, she don’t make nothing easy. I brought this just in case. [Clarance brings a hairdryer]

Rudulfo: Where are you going?

Clarence: Yeah, that’s right, baby. Let me help you out.

Sheila: Help!

Clarence: Hold this. I’m going to find a plug and plug it in. Here you go.

Can I Play That? | Season 44 Episode 15

Denny Glans… Kenan Thompson

David… Idris Elba

Jackie… Cecily Strong

Lawrence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Can I Play That intro]

Narrator: And now it’s time for actors least favorite game—

Audience: Can I Play That?

Narrator: With your host, Denny Glans.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome to Can I Play That. Where I describe a role in an upcoming movie and our contestants, [Cut to the contestants] David, Jackie and Lauren, all working actors will have decide, [Cut to Denny Glans] “Can I play that?” For example, it was just announced that Will Smith will play the father of the William’s sisters. But can he play that? [Cut to Contestants. Lawrence hits the button.]

Lawrence?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Yes, of course, he’ll do a great job. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww! Anybody else.

[Cut to David and Jackie. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: He absolutely cannot. He’s not black enough. [Right answer ring]

David: What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: You are right, Jackie.

[Cut to David and Jackie]

David: Wait, wait, wait. Is this real?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: It sure is because this game is produced by twitter. Twitter, one mistake and we’ll kill you. All right, our first role is blind person, can you play it?

[Cut to Contestants. David hits the button.]

David: Yeah, can I play that. [Wrong answer buzzer] What?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow, god took their sight and now you want to take their jobs?

[Cut to David]

David: No, no, no. Wait a second. Wait a second. Isn’t that what acting is all about? You know, becoming somebody you’re not?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Not anymore, no. Now it’s becoming yourself but with a different haircut. Okay, next role, astronauts.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: No, I cannot play that. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, why can’t he play that?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I just sensed it was a trap.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: And it was. The astronaut was secretly Mexican all along.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

David: Secretly?

Denny Glans: That’s right. The astronaut seemed white the whole movie, but in the last scene, when he gets back from Jupiter, he goes ’23 and me’ and discovers he’s 5% Mexican.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Oh man, that would have been no bueno. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Watch it. Okay, now, what about Caitlyn Jenner in the Caitlyn Jenner biopic.

[Cut to David]

David: Okay, I can’t play that.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. Bonus follow up question, who could play Caitlyn Jenner?

[Cut to Contestants. Jackie hits the button.]

Jackie: No one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. It is an impossible movie to make, I dare someone to try. All right, a character who is half Asian.

[Cut to David]

David: Is the character visibly Asian?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Wow! Visibly Asian? Let’s take 100 points away from him please. And, bonus question, which actor can play Japanese?

[Cut to Denny Jackie]

Jackie: Anyone who’s Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese and maybe Pakistani. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Exactly. Once you’re generally Asian that’s as far as anybody looks into it. And last role, a ghost.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: That depends, who’s the ghost?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Michael Jackson.

[Cut to David]

David: Wait, what movie is this?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans:  The Michael Jackson ghost movie. It’s on lifetime.

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: I’m going to say no one can play that. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oww, close, only one person can play the ghost of Michael Jackson. Can you name that person?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Oh, I know, Rami Malek. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. [Cut to a picture of Rami Malek] Somehow Rami Malek can play anybody. [Cut to Denny Glans] All right, let’s move on to our lightning round. You’ll each have 10 seconds to name as many roles as possible that you can play. David, let’s start with you. 10 seconds on the board. What can you play?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: A white guy. [Right answer ring] A white guy who gains 50 pounds. [Right answer ring] Slave owner. [Right answer ring] And that’s it. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That’s correct. You named all three roles you can play. All right. Jackie, your turn. What can you play?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Mom. [Right answer ring] Horny mom. [Right answer ring] White teacher who helps minorities. [Wrong answer buzzer] A white teacher who learns from minorities. [Right answer ring] And a president of the United States.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In comedy or drama?

[Cut to Jackie]

Jackie: Comedy. [Right answer ring]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: In a comedy, we will accept it, yes. Okay, Derek, you’re up.

[Cut to David]

David: Can I pass?

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, that depends. You want me to put your face on Michael Jackson ghost poster? Okay, then. 10 seconds on the clock. What can you play, and go?

[Cut to David]

David: Sammy Davis Jr. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: No, he was Jewish.

[Cut to David]

David: Extra in an ADT home commercial. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Nope, those are all white people now.

[Cut to David]

David:  Alien from outer space. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Well, when the actual aliens arrive, do you really want to be the guy who put on green face?

[Cut to David]

David: Fine, how about a new voice in the new ‘Lion King’.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Hmm, which voice?

[Cut to David]

David: It doesn’t matter, all animals are African.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Yeah, but society has decided that the lion voices are black, but meercat is Billy Eichner.

[Cut to David]

David: Then I’ll play damn bird, Zazu. [Wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s John Oliver. I guess he’s a hold over from when it was a British colony. All right, let’s take a quick break. We’ll return with our final round, Can You Play James Bond?

[Cut to David]

David: Hey, I know the answer to that one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Do you, though? We’ll find out after the break on ‘Can I Play That’?

[Ends with outro]

Supportive Friend | Season 44 Episode 15

Allen… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Alex Moffat

Greg… Idris Elba

Mikey Day

[Starts with four friends sitting in a bar]

Allen: Hey, here’s to another year of following our dreams. I mean, look, guys we’re really doing it, acting in LA.

Cecily Strong: You mean auditioning.

[Everyone laughs]

[Cut to Allen and Aidy]

Allen: Well, you know, I don’t mind auditioning, I see them as little performances. I’m not there to get a part, I’m there to act.

Aidy Bryant: Wow, can I use that?

Allen: Yeah, whatever helps. We’re on this together. [Cut to everybody] Hey, this next round’s on me. I shall return. [Allen leaves to get drinks]

Alex Moffat: Oh hey, look, there’s Greg. Hey Greg.

[Greg walks in the bar and joins]

Greg: Hey guys, man, I got some good news. I’m just going to say it. I booked it. I on the second lead on the new ‘CSI’, ‘CSI: Memphis’.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: No way man! You got the part?

Cecily Strong: Greg, that’s amazing.

[Cut to everyone]

Alex Moffat: You’re perfect for it.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, congrats, Greg.

[Allen comes back with drinks]

Allen: Here we go. Greg, what’s up man?

Greg: Really good, man. I was just actually telling the gang that I got the ‘CSI’ gig.

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? Dude. That’s amazing. No way. No. No. Oh. I love that! Yeah. [Cut to Alen] Yeah. Congrats, man. Second lead, right?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Yeah, yeah, the second lead, man.

Allen: Oh! Yes, yes, yes. On second lead on CSI. That’s awesome, man. [Cut to everybody] Look at you, everything’s clicking. You should be happy. I am! What are they paying you? Like $30,000 an episode?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Greg: Oh, actually, it’s like $80,000.

[Cut to Allen]

Allen: What the hell is that?  Yes, $80,000 an EP, $80,000 an EP! Such great, dude. You making money, makes me feel happy. [Cut to Allen and Greg] My prayers are answered. I’m loving it.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Allen, are you okay?

Alex Moffat: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking out right now?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: What? No, I’m good dude. Just pumped for my friend Greg. Excuse! Got to go outside.

[Cut to everybody. Allen leaves the bar.]

Greg: Did I say something wrong, man? I feel like Allen’s upset.

Cecily Strong: No, I think he just can’t handle his excitement.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: No! It should have been me!

Greg: I don’t know, I think he might be a bit jealous.

Cecily Strong: No, Allen’s not like that.

[Allen is shouting outside the window]

Allen: Somebody love me!

Alex Moffat: Greg, we’re all happy for you, including Allen.

[Allen comes back to the bar]

Allen: Hey, I’m back in the building. What are we talking about? [Cut to Allen and Greg] Still Greg’s thing? That’s awesome.

Greg: Oh, thanks Allen, man. But I know your big break is coming real soon. Man, you got so much to offer, right, especially with Karate thing and everything.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, yeah. Didn’t you come out here to be a Karate actor?

[Cut to Allen and Greg]

Allen: Yes, I want to be the next Jackie Chan. The Karate forward performer.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily]

Alex Moffat: Well, I mean, I’d like to see that.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, me too. [Cut to everybody] Show us some Karate.

Allen: Come on guys, it’s Greg’s big day. I don’t want to steal his thunder.

Greg: Come on Allen, [Cut to Allen and Greg] nothing would make me happier than to see you do some Karate right now.

Cecily Strong: Come on Greg, do it.

[Cut to everybody. Allen starts showing his karate skills. It’s horrible.]

Mikey Day: Guys, check it out. This guy’s doing really cool Karate. [Other people come to watch Allen]

Allen: I don’t know. Something like that.

[Everyone claps]

Idris Elba Monologue | Season 44 Episode 15

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Idris Elba.

[Cheers and applause]

[Idris Elba walks in the door and to the stage]

[Cheers and applause]

Idris Elba: Wow! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Listen, I’m Idris Elba. And it is great to be here hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. [Cheers and applause]

Before this, the closest thing I did to a comedy was ‘The Wire’. [Laughter] And this is really amazing, I mean, you have no idea how honestly grateful I am to be here tonight. About 20 years ago, I was working down the street from this building on Broadway. Not as an actor, as a doorman. I was the bouncer at Caroline’s comedy club on 49th and Broadway. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Now, that was my night job when I started in this country. This time of year, I would be standing outside freezing my bollocks off. I mean, it was a decent job, though. I made some great contacts. By which I mean, I sold weed. [Laughter] I’m not proud of it, it’s just a fact. I did get some auditions, I’d walk in for a role, say Brooklyn Gangster number one. The casting director would look at me intrigued and I would say my line. [With accent] “Yo, we’re going to run the big apple tonight, mate?” Yeah, I didn’t get the part. My mom would call me from London and say, “Idris, you have to have a backup plan”. I said, “Listen, mom, relax, I have a backup plan, don’t worry. I’m a D.J.” [Laughter] She would cry. After couple of years of that, I thought it was time to pack it in and get a real job, like a full time drug dealer. [Laughter] But, my sister, bless her heart, she had a actual job. She worked at Bad Boy Records. You know, Puffy was my biggest inspiration. Biggie was my favorite rapper. But it was a bad time because Biggie had just died and my sister. My sister took me to this Biggie memorial, and everyone was there. I mean, everyone. It was like being at a wax museum where wax figures were smoking blunts and drinking. It was so surreal. I remember thinking, “If it’s possible for me to be standing in this room right now, then anything is possible.” So, I decided I wouldn’t give up on my dream and that was 22 years ago to this day. [Cheers and applause]

Thank you. A few years after that, I got an audition for a small pilot called ‘The Wire’. And now I’m in the building where Television started, in the city, where hip-hop started. And I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’. [Cheers and applause] So we gonna run the big apple tonight mate. We have a great show for you. Khalid is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Cut for Time: New Cast Member | Season 44 Episode 15

Kyle Mooney

Adam Zekeman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Leslie Jones

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Idris Elba

[Starts with video clips of Kyle Mooney walking down the streets]

Kyle Mooney: You know, I’ve been on SNL for six years now. And it can be such a challenge to find your place on the show. That’s why it’s so amazing when a new cast member gets the chance to shine. [Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera] Unfortunately though, not all first year cast members have easy time with it. It gets kind of where Adam’s at.

[Cut to Dress Rehearsal room]

Kenan Thompson: But what if they don’t?

Kyle Mooney: It was all for nothing.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, exactly. Remember.

Kyle Mooney: All right. Cool. I got that. [Kyle Mooney leaves. Adam Zekeman walks to Kenan Thompson]

Adam Zekeman: So, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: What’s up man?

Adam Zekeman: Hey man, so I’m not in the show again, this week. Just wondering if you got any news for the new guy?

Kenan Thompson: Um, just keep trying. You know? There’s always next week.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, the master speaks wisely. All right brother, love your ass. SNL!

[Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera]

What’s up people, I am Adam Zekeman, one of the new cast members on Saturday Night Live. You might be thinking, “I don’t recognize this guy.” Well, the truth is they haven’t used me too much this year. But it’s still been an amazing journey. From hearing my name in the intro, [Cut to small clip from intro featuring Adam Zekeman] [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to camera] , to the random awesome sketches they have put me in [Cut to small clip from sketches featuring Adam Zekeman]. And even if you didn’t have a ton of lines last week, there’s still a chance that this week, you’ll write an amazing new character.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman in the hallway. Mikey Day is walking.]

Mikey Day. Mickey! Hey man! Would you want to work on that Stoned Cowboy thing?

Mikey Day: Oh, um, I don’t think I can this week.

Adam Zekeman: No problemo! All right, just text me if things change or whatever.

Mikey Day: Yeap!

Adam Zekeman: Friday night, people get busy. But that’s just for the job. [Cut to Adam walks to Leslie Jone’s office door, knocks and opens the door] Hey Leslie.

Leslie Jones: [Bleep] off, Zekeman.

[Adam Zekeman closes the door]

Adam Zekeman: Love her. Um, probably just going to end up writing on my own tonight. Easier that way.

[Cut to Wardrobe fitting room. Adam Zekeman is wearing waiter costume.]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, that cowboy thing was super funny, so it’s not going.

Adam Zekeman: Um, thanks Mooney. At least I get to play this weird waiter.

Kyle Mooney: I think it’s just a regular waiter. See you man.

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

[Mikey Day walks to Adam Zekeman]

Mikey Day: Hey, Adam, we’re going to have to lose you from the restaurant piece.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, okay. Is the sketch too long? Or?

Mikey Day: No. Also, is this your crumpled up drawing of you winning an Emmy award? [Mikey Day hands over a paper with rough drawing] Cleaning crew found it in your garbage can. Yeah, I thought it might be your’s.

Adam Zekeman: Oh, I don’t think so. What the hell.

Mikey Day: All right. [Mikey Day leaves] See you dude.

Adam Zekeman: Thanks man.

[Cut to rehearsal on stage]

Well, I got cut from the sketch. That’s real funny. But that happens for the best. [Cut to Adam Zekeman talking to the camera] Well, usually not the best. But the good news is, this week is also the SNL winter carnival [Cut to clips from carnival] where we play carnival games and can potentially win a spot on the show. So, this might be my last chance.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney receiving a cotton candy in the carnival]

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant is playing a game to hit balloon with bullseye needles. Beck Bennett is watching Aidy Bryant]

Beck Bennett: Hah! Maybe try hitting one.

[Aidy Bryant hits Beck Bennett with the bullseye needle. Beck Bennett is hurt.]

Aidy Bryant: Bitch!

[Aidy Bryant walks away]

[Cut to Leslie Jones]

Leslie Jones: The winter carnival is always dope. There’s games and cotton candy. And I always get to punch some weird ass juggler.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking in the carnival]

Adam Zekeman: Wow. Those are some of the most colorful balloons I’ve ever seen.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Test your strength and maybe you could win a part on the show. [Adam walks to Alex Moffatt to try winning the part] Oh, the Zekeman.

[Everyone is looking at Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: Well. Here goes nothing. [Adam Zekeman wins the game]

Wow!

[Everyone is cheering for Adam Zekeman]

Original Weekend Update character. It’s my time to shine, baby.

Kyle Mooney: Nice work, Zekeman.

[Cut to set of Weekend Update. Adam Zekeman is there as Stoned Cowboy with Colin Jost.]

Colin Jost: Yeah, the Stoned Cowboy. I think you might be a little too stoned.

Adam Zekeman: No way, amigo. [Cut to Adam Zekeman] My eyes are just red from all the, um, trail dust.

[Cut to Adam Zekeman walking out of the stage door. Everyone is cheering and clapping for Adam Zekeman]

[Cut to Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat walks to Adam Zekeman]

Kyle Mooney: It’s over Adam. I know you switched the malice.

[Idris Elba joins Kyle Mooney and Alex Moffat]

Idris Elba: You dirty little rat. You stole my bid.

Adam Zekeman: I can explain.

Idris Elba: You’re going to jail, mate.

[Two policemen walk in and arrest Adam Zekeman]

Adam Zekeman: I was just trying to get on the show. Please. I’m sorry.

Kyle Mooney: You lying sack of [Bleep].

[Cut to Kyle Mooney talking to the camera]

So, obviously we had to send Adam to jail and unfortunately he passed away few hours later. But the good news is, we got a new cast member. Ladies and gentleman, meet Coby Murphy.

[Coby Murphy joins]

Coby Murphy: [Coby Murphy acting weird] We think it’s going to be fun rest of the season. I don’t know.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, it’s good.

R. Kelly Interview Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 15

Gayle King… Leslie Jones

R. Kelly… Kenan Thompson

Cameraman… Beck Bennett

Crisis manager… Chris Redd

[Starts with Gayle King in her interview set]

Gayle King: You’re watching a CBS news special. I am your host, Gayle King. And this is part three of my interview with R&B star Robert Kelly. Also known as R. Kelly. Also knows as individual who number one’s. Thank you for being here Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Thank you for having me and please just call me victim.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: I am not going to do that. I guess my first question for you, Robert is, why exactly are you doing this interview?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Because people think I’m some kind of a monster. I’m here to remove all of that. My lawyer was telling me no. But my ego, my ego was telling me yes.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Robert.

R. Kelly: Please call me victim.

Gayle King: No. [Cut to Gayle King] Tell me some of the things that people are saying about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:That I have a harem of young girls and I started a – what’s the word? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: You mean cult?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Right, and why do you think people are saying that about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Probably because it looks like I have a harem of young girls and I started a cult. Look, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Maybe I can’t read or write or math. But I’m still a person. I put on my pants one sleeve at a time just like everybody else.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What about the lifetime docu-series that interviewed numerous women, family members and your former tour manager, [Music starts playing in the backgroung] all saying the same thing.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: [Singing] ♪It’s 10 in the morning. And I’m talking to Oprah’s friend.
♪If I can just get through this, everybody’s gonna love me again.

[Music stops]

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Robert. The docu-series.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Oh, right. These people made a six part documentary about me, six. That’s almost ten. And not one of them said a nice thing about me. They made it seem like I was the devil. I’m not the devil. And even if I was, you can’t think of one nice thing to say about the devil? I can. Nice horns. Gives good advice.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So why do you think people are making these lines up about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:For money, obviously. I’m a very rich man. And people are always trying to take advantage of me.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Well, if you’re so rich, why did it take so long to pay 160,000 you owe back in child support?

[Cut to R. Kelly][Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:[Singing] ♪Damn, that’s a good question, I wasn’t expecting that
♪ Now I got to switch directions and get some sympathy back

Because I’m a very poor man.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: But Robert.

R. Kelly:Victim.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: No. You sold millions of records and made millions of dollars.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:More than millions. Thousands!

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Millions is more than thousands, Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, my bad.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So, what happened to all the money?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:I don’t know. Ask my—who’s the guy you pay to watch all your money? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Your accountant?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:No, my cousin Reggie, that’s it. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly] You know what, this is all great stuff. But maybe we should save some of it for the interview.

Gayle King: What are you talking about? This is the interview.

R. Kelly:For real? Then where are the cameras?

Gayle King: There’s literally one right in front of you.

[Cut to Cameraman behind the camera]

Cameraman: Hey!

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:You all just keep your camera out in the open like that? Y’all some freaks?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Just tell me why all those women would say the same things about you if they weren’t true?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: You can start a rumor about any celebrity just like that. All you got to do is push a button on your phone and say R. Kelly did this to me. And then attach a video of me doing that thing. And people will believe you. It’s scary.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: I really want to laugh right now. But I can’t tell if this interview is a prank on you or a prank on me.

[Cut to R. Kelly] [Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:♪This interview is going great
♪Oprah’s friend thinks I’m innocent.
♪I should be a lawyer
or maybe I should run for president

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Stop singing.

R. Kelly:Oh, you can hear that?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, yes. Now, tell me why were you hanging out at McDonald’s?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, first of all, I did not go to a McDonald’s.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, we saw you at McDonald’s.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, fine, I love McDonald’s. It’s my favorite restaurant in the world. They got that burger that I like, what’s it called? Starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Big Macs?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Look, I’m just going to ask you plainly, have you ever held women against their will?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Why would I do that? That would be stupid. How stupid would it be for me, R. Kelly, with all the crazy legal things I’ve don’t in my past, on tape and gotten away with, Scott Free, to do it again? How stupid do you think I am? Is this a camera? [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly pointing at the plant behind him suspecting there’s a hidden camera.]

Gayle King: No, no. That’s a plant.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, guys, think for a minute. Use your brains. Why would I do these things? [R. Kelly getting emotional, stands from his chair] For 30 years. I gave y’all trapped in the closet. Feeling on your booty. Age ain’t nothing but a number. And so many other clues. And this is how you repay me? I don’t have anybody left in my corner. 30 Years. [Crisis manager walks in to cool R. Kelly down]

Crisis manager: Okay, brother. Chill.

R. Kelly: That’s almost a decade!

Gayle King: Who the hell is this?

R. Kelly: Oh, this is my crisis manager. How am I doing?

Crisis Manager: Oh, you killing it right now Kells. Oh, you looking real good out here.

R. Kelly: Do I look sympathetic?

Crisis Manager: Damn, specially when you’re screaming at that lady, man, real pleasant. Now, we’re coming down the home stretch, all right? Crisis averted.

R. Kelly:Okay, [Cut to R. Kelly] I am ready to start the interview.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: The interview is over. Robert, [Cut to Gayle King] you’ve been combative, defensive and completely unhinged. But somehow you expect us to believe you’re completely innocent.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: That would be ideal, yes. And now, I humbling await your decision, miss Jail King.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What? My name is Gayle King with a G.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you’re not the Jail King? Then what am I doing here?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, you are not right.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you think I made things worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, you definitely made them worse.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Scale of 1 to 10, how much worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: 13.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: So is that highest? Okay, fine. I guess there’s only one thing left to say, Jail King. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly faces the plant where he thinks the hidden camera is] Live from New York—

Gayle King: It’s over fool. Right here. [Gayle King and R. Kelly face the camera]

Gayle King and R. Kelly: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Gold Diggers | Season 44 Episode 15

Donell, Young Buck… Chris Redd

Terry Mack… Idris Elba

Lionel Hodges… Kenan Thompson

Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Jane Sawyer… Cecily Strong

Tamika Williams… Leslie Jones

Trish… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: In 1996, the WNBA was formed, finally giving women’s professional basketball a national stage. With it came the Glitz, the glamor, the parties, and of course, the playaz. Terry Mack, Lionel Hodges and introducing Donnell. A.K.A. Young Buck. They are the gold diggers of the WNBA.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges get inside the party room]

Young Buck: Man, this party is insane.

Terry Mack: Welcome to the big leagues, Young Buck.

Young Buck: What’s this place called again?

Terry Mack: Double Tree Hotel Bar.

Lionel Hodges: Woo! This place is crawling with fine ass WNBA ballers.

Terry Mack: Each one of these women right here sitting on contract worth 60 to 90 G’s a year. Now, if you play your cards right man, some of that cheddar could be in your pocket.

Lionel Hodges: That’s right. Imagine the lifestyle of being a kept man of a WNBA star. Two bedroom condo. Timeshare vacations in Orlando. Shopping sprees at Nordstrom rack.

Terry Mack: You may have drove here in a 2003 Toyota Camry, but you could leave here in the front seat of a 2016 Toyoto Camry.

Young Buck: I like the sound of that.

Lionel Hodges: Well, just listen to us, and you could end up set just like my man Maxwell.

[Cut to Maxwell sitting on a lap of a woman athlete playing Nintendo Switch]

Young Buck: Wait, did she buy him that Nintendo Switch?

Lionel Hodges: Hm-mmm. It was a make-up gift. She must have been cheating.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Yo, this is so awesome. So, how did you all become WNBA gold diggers.

Terry Mack: Gold digger is such an ugly world. I prefer calling slaying your penis for cash.

Lionel Hodges: You see, when the WNBA came around in 1996, it changed the gigolo game forever. It’s a never ending cycle of beautiful athletic middle class women travelling from mid major city to mid major city, looking for good time.

[Music starts playing]

Terry Mack: Oh, that’s my jam. Now, what do you know about this?

Lionel Hodges: Well, you know I know something about this. Come on with it.

[Terry and Lionel start dancing]

[Jane Sawyer tries to join Terry and Lionel]

Jane Sawyer: You mind if I cut in?

Terry Mack: No, not right now, baby girl.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, I’m just trying to dance with my fellas, thank you very much.

Jane Sawyer: All right, you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Damn!

[Jane Sawyer leaves]

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Guys, I think she was into us, man.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, man, [Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges] forget her, man. That’s just Jane Sawyer. Small forward for the mystics.

Terry Mack: She’s a bench warmer. I’m looking for a lady that can almost dunk.

Lionel Hodges: Speaking of which, is that who I think it is?

[Cut to Tamika Williams]

Terry Mack: Yeah, miss Tamika Williams.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Young Buck: Who’s Tamika Williams?

Lionel Hodges: Man, she’s one of the highest paid ballers in the league. Almost 100,000 a year.

Terry Mack: Not to mention the five figure endorsement deal with Palmer’s Cocoa Butter. She took me to her place one time. Stainless steel appliances. California King, brother.

[Cut to Young Buck]

Young Buck: Damn. That’s cray.

[Cut to Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges]

Terry Mack: Down pillows, at least six.

Lionel Hodges: What? She got an end unit washer and dryer too?

Terry Mack: No, that was in the building, though.

Lionel Hodges: I’ll take that.

Young Buck: Let’s see if she got some friends.

Lionel Hodges: Oh, yeah. All right.

[Young Buck, Merry Mack and Lionel Hodges walk upto Terry Mack]

Terry Mack: Hey, what up, girl? You can’t say hi no more?

Tamika Williams: Hey, Larry, right?

Terry Mack: Girl, you know my name is Tarry, girl. So, what you doing up in here?

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, where are we going for the after party?

Tamika Williams: We? I don’t have much room in my Camry, so we not going nowhere.

Trish: You ready, baby girl?

Terry Mack: Oh, oh, so you messing with Trish now? You know, she’s just going to use you.

[Cut to Tamika and Trish]

Trish: Who are these fools?

Tamika Williams: Groupies.

[Cut to everybody]

Terry Mack: Groupies. So you’re going to just dog me out like that after the night we spent together? [Cut to Tamika, Terry and Trish] Well, I got news for you, you pregnant and it’s mine.

Tamika Williams: I do not have time for this. Let’s go to Caberries. [Tamika leaves]

Trish: It’s Carrabbas, babe. We’re going to Carrabbas.

[Cut to everybody]

[Tamika and Trish are gone]

Terry Mack: You know, you leaving, nobody wants you anyway.

Young Buck: Damn, man. What are the odds she leaves with like another woman?

Terry Mack: Oh, probably nine out of ten.

Lionel Hodges: Yeah, huge chance. Huge chance.

[Ends with outro]