Month: October 2018

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Singing Billy-Gram

Man…..Elliot Gould
Woman…..Ann Risley
Delivery Boy…..Charles Rocket

[ open on elegantly-decorated apartment, as ?? sits waiting on the cocuch ]

Man: [ calling toward a back room ] Honey! Will you hurry up?

Woman: [ enters living area ] I’m hurrying, dammit!

Man: Such language, and on your birthday yet. Is something bothering you?

Woman: Well.. it’s just that I thought I’d at least hear from my parents. I mean, I know they’re not crazy about us living together, but.. this is the first time they’ve ever completely missed my birthday!

[ doorbell rings ]

Man: Who could that be?

Woman: Oh, I’ll get it. [ walks up to the front door ] Who is it?

Voice of Delivery Boy: Billy-gram!

Woman: Billy-gram? Billy-gram? [ opens the door to reveal a delivery boy carrying a telegram ] Oh, honey! They didn’t forget my birthday – hey sent a telegram!

Delivery Boy: No – it’s a Billy-gram! A sing-ing re-lig-ious mess-age! Your daddy has sent you a Billy-Gram, on your birth-day! Praise God! [ begins singing ]

“Sin, sin, sin – is what you’re living in
You don’t have a ring, but you’re having a fling
Thank God you’re not a twin!

Slut, slut, slut – in Hell, we’ll burn your butt
Your mother and I, are ready to die
Just don’t get: you know what!”

Re-pent on your birth-day! Praise Je-sus!

Woman: What a great gift idea.

Man: [ annoyed ] Yeah, it really made my night. Your parents think of everything!

Woman: Come on, now – lay off my parents, they —

Man: [ notices the delivery boy still standing at the door ] What are you waiting for?

Delivery Boy: He hath heard the song of the Lord – aren’t ye going to tip?

Woman: What nerve! [ walks away ]

Man: Get lost! [ pushes the delivery boy out of the living room and slams the door ]

Woman: Can you believe he actually wanted a tip?

Voice of Delivery Boy: [ singing behind the closed door ]
“Whore, whore, whore – I’ll never even the score
I’ll sing and I’ll shout, why don’t you come out
And tell them all the score –!”

Woman: Tip him! Tip him!

[ Man re-opens the door, lets the delivery boy fall into the living room, and places a dollar bill into his gloved hand ]

Delivery Boy: [ pleased ] Well! Lord bless this un-ion!

[ Man again slams the door on the delivery boy, then turns to have it out with his significant other ]

[ camera pulls out ]

[ SUPER: “Personals: Fem exec into denim seeks black musician with large organ for backup gigs.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & Denny

…..Elliot Gould
…..Gail Matthius
…..Charles Rocket
…..Ann Risley
…..Joe Piscopo
…..Gilbert Gottfried
…..Denny Dillon

[ open on close-up of new cast member, Gail Matthius, asleep in bed. She yawns, awakes, then turns to her left to look at the man lying next to her – tonight’s host, Elliot Gould ]

Gail Matthius: Sir? [ rises, taps his shoulder ] Mr. Gould?

Elliot Gould: [ groggy ] Oh. Oh, uh, hi, uh..?

Gail Matthius: Gail. Gail Matthius. [ rubs her head ] Don’t you think we’d better get ready? It’s almost time for the show – oh, God..

Elliot Gould: Oh, relax. What are they gonna do, start without us?

[ camera pans back to reveal new cast member, Charles Rocket, asleep at Gail’s right ]

Elliot Gould: You’re gonna do just fine on this show. You’re sort of a cross between.. [ thinking ] Gilda.. and Jane.

Gail Matthius: [ she smiles, as Charles cuddles closer to her ] Oh, hi, Charlie. [ he begins to nibble her ear ] Don’t! Oh, don’t!

Elliot Gould: Hey, how’s it going?

Charles Rocket: Oh, just great!

Elliot Gould: Let’s see – you’re – you’re the one —

Charles Rocket: Oh. Kind of a cross between Chevy Chase and Bill Murray.

Elliot Gould: Okay.

[ camera pans back further to reveal new cast member, Ann Risley, lying to Elliot’s left ]

Ann Risley: [ wakes up ] Oh, hi.

Gail Matthius: Hi, Ann.

Ann Risley: [ extends her hand to Elliot ] I’m Ann Risley.

Elliot Gould: Hi.

Ann Risley: Hi. Kind of a cross between Gilda and.. Laraine.

[ camera pans back even further to reveal new cast member, Joe Piscopo, lying to Ann’s left; she nudges Joe awake ]

Ann Risley: Joe, Joe! Wake up! Say hello to the man!

Joe Piscopo: Oh. Hello, Mr. Gould. How are you?

Elliot Gould: Hi, Joe.

Joe Piscopo: Joe Piscopo, yeah. You know, I’ve seen you do “Saturday Night”, uh, in the past – what was it really like back then? I mean, did they really use drugs?

Elliot Gould: Suuuuure. They all did. Cocaine was everywhere. And not just the cast – the studio crew, the cameramen, everybody.

Joe Piscopo: Tell us about Belushi.

Elliot Gould: John? Oh, well, he was the worst! He’d come into the studio with a big bag of coke in his pocket, and he’d ask you to have some. And if you didn’t want any, he’d push you down on the floor and Aykroyd would hold your head between his legs and they’d sort of, uh, jam in up your nostrils!

[ the cast reacts both with horrir and intrigue ]

Ann Risley: Well, what do you know about Tom Snyder? I mean, is he really as big as he looks on television?

Gail Matthius: Yeah.

Elliot Gould: Well, he thinks he’s big when he gets a little bit of toot up his nose.

Joe Piscopo: Snyder?

Elliot Gould: Well, how else do you think he stays up so late? And all the rest of them – Roger Mudd, Tom Brokaw, Edwin Newman – they all snort a few lines before they go on! Except, uh – Brinkley. I think he’s into downers.

Charles Rocket: That’s incredible.

Elliot Gould: Hey, listen – wait ’til you see, uh — get in the elevator, and there’s Gene Shalit kind of piled in a heap in the corner, completely luded out!

[ new cast member, Gilbert Gottfried, rises from under part of the bedsheets sprawled onto the floor ]

Gilbert Gottfried: You mind holding it down? [ he stands – for some reason, a pair of pantyhose is wrapped around his neck ]

Elliot Gould: Let me guess – let me guess —

Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, Gilbert Gottfried. [ sits on the edge of the bed ] I’m kind of a cross between John Belushi and.. that guy from last year – he did the Ron Serling, nobody could remember his name?

Elliot Gould: Harry.

Gilbert Gottfried: [ pulls the pantyhose off of his neck ] Yeah. Hey, hey, where’s, uh – Denny?

Charles Rocket: I don’t know. Where is she?

[ Elliot and the cast look around the bed for final new cast member, Denny Dillon ]

Ann Risley: Denny? Denny?

Elliot Gould: [ acknowledging a bulge in the bedsheets ] Is that her on the — ?

Charles Rocket: Oh? What’s this?

[ they pull the bedsheets away to reveal Denny’s lifeless body underneath ]

Ann Risley: Denny? Denny, are you okay?

Charles Rocket: Are you okay?

Ann Risley: Denny?

Charles Rocket: [ nudging her awake ] Denny? You alright?

Denny Dillon: Suuuure. I’m.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1

80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

The Accordian Killer

Captain…..Elliott Gould
Detective…..Gilbert Gottfried
Susan…..Ann Risley
Chuck LeVinto…..Charles Rocket
Gail…..Gail Matthius

[ open on interior, police station, Captain’s office, as Detective enters ]

Detective: Bad news, sir. Another woman has been found slain on the Upper West Side.

Captain: [ snaps his finger ] That’s the sixth one this week! They find anything in the apartment?

Detective: Ah, just this sheet music. “Roll Out the Barrel”.

Captain: [ examining the sheet music ] That woman wasn’t just murdered — she was POLKAED to death!

Detective: You’re saying he’s — ?

Captain: Yes, I am! Only one person can be responsible for such a GHASTLY crime! Only ONE man could be so CRUEL, so VICIOUS, so SADISTIC! As long as he’s loose, no woman is safe. I’m talking about… [ he faces the camera for a quick zoom ] The Accordian Killer!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, as the title card superimposes on screen ]

[ doorbell buzzes ]

[ Susan rises to answer the door ]

Susan: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Susan opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Susan: Oh, hi! [ she giggles ] I’m Susan. It’s nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Susan: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Susan: [ she giggles ] I know what you mean! Come in.

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Susan: Boy, I’m really glad this computer put us together.

Chuck LeVinto: It really is amazing! ‘Cause, like… well… you like movies, a-and I like movies. Aaaand you like music, and I LOVE music! We were MADE for each other!

Susan: I hope so.

Chuck LeVinto: I-I-I do impressions! Do you want to hear one?

Susan: Sure.

Chuck LeVinto: This one’s my favorite — it’s my main guy, Lawrence Welk: “Tank you, tank you, tank you! That was Bobby and Cissum, with his musical tribute to World War Eye!”

[ she laughs pleasantly ]

Chuck LeVinto: A-and now it’s time for an accordian tune!

[ he unlocks his case and pulls out an accordian ]

Susan: [ worried ] No, no! No, please! Please put that away!

Chuck LeVinto: What’s the matter? Don’t you like the accordian?

Susan: Wait! Wait, I know who you are! I read about you in the papers! Please don’t hurt me! I’ll give you all my money! I promise I won’t tell anyone!

Chuck LeVinto: But the accordian… is a NICE instrument! [ maniacally stroking the accordian ] It’s a fine instrument! It’s a BAND by itself!

Susan: PLEASE!! NO, NO!! DON’T! PLEASE! NO!

Chuck LeVinto: Perhaps you’d like to hear “Lady of Spain”!

Susan: NO!!!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

Susan: NO, NO!! PLEASE, DON’T!

[ she holds her ears, but still drops dead to the floor as Chuck smiles satisfactorily ]

[ dissolve to Captain’s office, as he shakes his head while reading the murder report in the newspaper ]

Detective: Looks like The Accordian Killer has struck again.

Captain: [ thrusting the paper on his desk ] Poor girl didn’t have a chance!

Detective: How can we stop him?

Captain: We’ve got to set a TRAP! And I think we’ve got JUST the right person for that.

Detective: Who is he?

Captain: Not he — SHE!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan’s apartment, now occupied by Gail ]

[ doorbell buzzes ]

[ Gail rises to answer the door ]

Gail: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It’s Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Gail opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Gail: Hi! I’m Gail. Nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: Hi! [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Gail: Ohhh…

Chuck LeVinto: It’s so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Gail: [ she smiles ] I know what you mean! Come on in.

Chuck LeVinto: Thanks!

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ apprehensive ] You like movies… and I like movies. [ he opens his case ]

Gail: [ cutting him off ] You like music — I like music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ stumbling ] You know, I haven’t missed a single “Lawrence Welk Show”! Ever NEVER!

Gail: [ setting the trap ] I really like his music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ surprised ] You do? Maybe you’d like to hear a song on the accordian.

Gail: I’d love to!

Chuck LeVinto: D-do you have a special song?

Gail: Uh — “Lady of Spain”, of course!

Chuck LeVinto: “L-L-L-Lady of Spain”?!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

[ Gail covers her ears and shudders, then jumps up and points a gun at Chuck ]

Gail: Alright, that’s enough!! I’m with the police! Yuor playing days are over!

Chuck LeVinto: [ ignoring her ] You can’t make me stop!

Gail: Alright, I’m warning you!

[ Chuck inores her and continues playing the accordian ]

Gail: OKAY, GUYS!!! GET HIM!!!

[ suddenly, a trio of bagpipe players saunter into the apartment playing their noisy tune ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ crying, as he continues to play the accordian ] NO!!! NOT THAT MUSIC!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

[ Chuck drops his accordian and topples dead over the ottoman ]

[ the bagpipe players cease their playing, as the Captain rushes in ]

Captain: Are you alright?

Gail: Fine.

Captain: I’m sorry we had to do it this way. But maybe this will convince people once and for all… that EVERY accordian is a lethal weapon! [ to the bagpipe players ] Take care of it, guys!

[ Gail and the Captain exit the apartment, as the bagpipe players begin to attack Chuck’s accordian with their hatchets ]

[ pull out to wideshot, with SUPER: “There’s no abyssness like show abyssness.” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:
November 15th, 1980

Elliot Gould

Kid Creole & The Coconuts

None

None
Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & DennySummary: In a scene reminiscent of “Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice”, Elliot Gould wakes up in bed with the new cast members, compares them to the original cast members, then answers their questions about SNL’s glory days.

Transcript

MontageNote: Elliot Gould was unaware that the original cast and crew had left SNL, and was surprised to find himself surrounded by all new faces when he entered Studio 8-H.

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliot Gould shows off his old underwear to the audience, then swap pieces with Denny Dillon.

Also Hosted: 75i, 75v, 76s, 78i, 79k.

Transcript

A Public Service Announcement: Highway EducationSummary: Highway billboards contain the text for classic novels, with new dialogue made available along each passing mile.

Transcript

Cheering Up JimmySummary: Rosalynn Carter (Ann Risley) convinces Jimmy (Joe Piscopo) that he should be glad he lost the election, because now they can have sex again.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Rosalynn Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Singing Billy-GramSummary: A cohabitating couple (Elliot Gould, Ann Risley) receive a singing Billy-Gram (Charles Rocket).

Transcript

American Cancer SocietySummary: A topless Gail Matthius demonstrates how women can self-examine themselves for breast cancer.

Bio: Though Gail Matthius (1953-) failed to make an impact during “SNL”‘s ill-fated sixth season, she would find more success off-screen as a voice actress for animated children’s shows like “Animaniacs” and “Tiny Toon Adventures.”

Transcript

What’s It All AboutSummary: Pinky (Denny Dillon) and Leo Waxman (Gilbert Gottfried) interview Elliot Gould.

Recurring Characters: Pinky Waxman, Leo Waxman.

“Foot Fetish”Summary: In a film by Randal Kleiser, a pair of shoes have sex on the beach.

Kid Creole & The Coconuts perform “Mister Softee”Bio: Kid Creole and the Coconuts are August Darnell and a glamorous trio of female backing vocalists that includes his wife Adriana Kaegi and vibraphone player Andy Hernandez (Coati Mundi). Their music incorporated many different styles of music, among them, Caribbean/Latin American salsa and disco.

Weekend Update with Charles RocketSummary: Gail Matthius tries to avoid telling John Anderson (Joe Piscopo) that he lost the election. In his first “Rocket Report”, Charles Rocket seeks gossip on the new album by John Lennon and Yoko Ono. In his new book, author Barry Grosscup (Gilbert Gottfried) makes the claim that Ronald Reagan is already dead.

Transcript

At One With…Summary: Sgt. Steve Brick (Joe Piscopo) drills Cpl. Peter Thomas (Charles Rocket) of the Gay Brigade.

Transcript

“Heart To Heart”Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, a man (Mitchell Kriegman) can’t seem to put his finger on what’s changed in his relationship, as different actresses portray his girlfriend.

SNL SportsSummary: Joe Piscopo delivers the play-by-play at the nose wrestling match between Scottie Bockman (Elliot Gould) and James Walker (Charles Rocket).

Vickie’s DateSummary: Vickie (Gail Matthius), the Valley girl teenager, has a dinner date with 40 year-old Mark Doyle (Elliott Gould).

Recurring Characters: Vickie.

Transcript

The Accordian KillerSummary: A detective (Gail Matthius) goes undercover to trap Chuck LeVinto (Charles Rocket), AKA The Accordion Killer.

Transcript

Kid Creole & The Coconuts perform “There But For The Grace of God Go I”

“Gidgette Goes To Hell”Summary: In a Suburban Lawns music video directed by Jonathan Demme, Gidgette is eaten by a shark while surfing in the ocean.

Speed ListeningSummary: Spokeswoman (Denny Dillon) doubly relaxes by speedreading a book and listening to classical music at an accelerated rate.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

Season 6: 1980-1981

Starring:

• Denny Dillon
• Robin Duke (only: 04/11/81)
• Gilbert Gottfried
• Tim Kazurinsky (only: 04/11/81)
• Gail Matthius
• Eddie Murphy (first: 12/06/80)
• Joe Piscopo
• Ann Risley
• Charles Rocket
• Tony Rosato (only: 04/11/81)

Featuring:

• Yvonne Hudson
• Matthew Laurance
• Laurie Metcalf (only: 04/11/81)
• Emily Prager (only: 04/11/81)
• Patrick Weathers

 Episodes:

• 11/15/80: Elliott Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts
• 11/22/80: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart & The Magic Band
• 12/06/80: Ellen Burstyn / Aretha Franklin, Keith Sykes
• 12/13/80: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley
• 12/20/80: David Carradine / the cast of The Pirates of Penzance
• 01/10/81: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends
• 01/17/81: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio
• 01/24/81: Robert Hays / Joe ‘King’ Carrasco & The Crown, 14 Karat Soul
• 02/07/81: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff
• 02/14/81: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More
• 02/21/81: Charlene Tilton / Todd Rundgren, Prince
• 03/07/81: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton
• 04/11/81: (none) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

SummaryConsidered the worst period in SNL’s history, the 1980 season seemed doomed from the start. The last of the original cast (Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner, not to mention Bill Murray) had left “Saturday Night Live” along with producer Lorne Michaels, and NBC promoted talent co-ordinator Jean Doumanian to take over the show and hire a new cast. Though Doumanian’s comedy expertise was practically nonexistent, she did manage to bring an eclectic collection of musical guests to the show during her short stint as producer. The new cast, which included eventual stars Denny Dillon and Gilbert Gottfried, had the misfortune of being the first new cast since the original cast, a transition which has since become easier on future eras of SNL.

Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy became the quick standouts (Murphy, especially, who started as an extra, became a featured performer, then was promoted to full cast member – all during the course of a 13-episode season) in a seemingly awkward cast. Doumanian was fired and replaced by Dick Ebersol after the season’s 12th broadcast. But even then it was too late for most of the cast, as a writer’s strike took place after Ebersol’s first broadcast.

Charles Rocket – billed as the next Chevy Chase, especially behind the reins of Weekend Update – was fired for saying “fuck” on the air, and everyone except Murphy and Piscopo were released soon after as well. 1980 was the most awkward season in SNL’s history, but look closely, and you’ll find a few bright moments in a period of SNL that was weighed down by its own success.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Uncle Roy

Betty…..Jane Curtin
Uncle Roy…..Buck Henry
Terri…..Laraine Newman
Tracy…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Betty’s living room, as the doorbell rings ]

[ Bety rushes downstairs to answer the door to Roy ]

Betty: Oh, Roy, come in!

Uncle Roy: [ entering ] Long time, no see, Betty!

Betty: Now, it’s been too long, Roy, and I feel really badly about it. It’s just that my husband simply can’t phantom a 45-year old bachelor who wants to babysit a pair of BRATS for free.

Uncle Roy: [ laughing ] By the way, where is Arthur?

Betty: In Cleveland, whooping it up at another one of those microsurgical parts conventions.

Uncle Roy: Ah! And where are you off to, Betty?

Betty: A dinner party, but I’ll try to slip away early.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You stay as long as you want!

Betty: Oh, you’re too good, Roy. Now, Roy, I know it was you, not Santa, who replaced Terri’s old frayed bicylce seat with a brand new one. Don’t think that went unnoticed.

Uncle Roy: [ grinning ] Did, uh… Arthur notice?

Betty: Oh, he took it totally in the wrong way. And, you know, he was even suspicious about that extravagant anniversary present you sent us? [ she ackknowledges the glass coffee table in front of them ]

Uncle Roy: Well, I always thought this room needed a glass coffee table! [ he chuckles ] Anyway, where are my little darlings?

Betty: Oh! [ she walks over to the foot of the stairs ] Come on down, girls! I have a surprise for you! [ to Roy ] They’re gonna be SO excited, Roy!

[ Terri and Tracy come down the stairs ]

Terri & Tracy: UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!! UNCLE ROY!!

[ they rush over to hug him ]

Uncle Roy: Hello, my little cupcakes! [ he begins to pat each of them on the butt ]

Betty: Okay, control yourselves, girls! Now, Roy, don’t let these little MONSTERS walk all over you!

Uncle Roy: Don’t you worry! You’d better be running along, Betty!

Betty: Oh, you’re right. Now, behave yourselves, girls!

Terri & Tracy: WE WILL!! GOODBYE, MOMMY!! GOODBYE!! HAVE A GOOD TIME!!

[ Betty exits ]

Terri: Oh, GOSH, we MISSED you, Uncle Roy! We asked Daddy to play Invisible Leg Doctor, and he didn’t even know how!

Tracy: Yeah! And, Uncle Roy, remember the time you filled the bathtub all up with water and went bobbing for bananas?

Uncle Roy: [ smiling ] I remember!

Terri: Yeah, and remember when you showed us Jumbo the One-Eared Elephant?

Tracy: Yeah! And… and… and the time you were Ruffy the Dog, and we de-wormed you?

Uncle Roy: Oh, yes! It was fun! And, if I’m not mistaken, Ruffy was gonna bury his bone in your backyard.

Terri: Yeahhhh! Hey, Uncle Roy — [ she stands on her head on the couch, with her butt sticking out ] What am I?

Uncle Roy: [ near drooling ] Too good to be true!

Terri: [ standing up ] No! I’m an ostrich with my head buried in the sand.

Tracy: Yeah! I’m an ostrich, too! [ they both bury their heads in the couch with their butts sticking out ] Look at me, look at me!

Uncle Roy: [ excited ] I’m looking! I’m looking! Now, girls, girls — I think that we are ready to play Uncle Roy Cousteau! [ he stands ] So, Tracy… Terri… let’s go deep sea diving in Uncle Roy’s pants!

Terri: [ digging in his pockets ] Yayyyyy! What are we looking for?

Uncle Roy: You’re looking for saltwater taffy! But I warn you — there are all kinds of STRANGE things lurking in the ocean! You might find precious pearls, or tangled beds of seaweed, and watch out for that old electric eel!

Tracy: Oh, wow! I found some candy!

Terri: Yay! Me, too! [ they eat their taffy ] Oh! Uncle Roy! Can we play Goofy Sisters?

Tracy: Yeahhhh!

Uncle Roy: Oh! What a good idea! Now, you run upstairs and get the panty hats! Okay? Go on! You go upstairs and fetch all your DIRTY little underthings! [ the girls run upstairs ] That’s right! Get them all, bring them all down! Don’t leave anything out!

Tracy: Okay, here we come! [ they slide down the banister ] Yayyyyy!! Here we come!

Uncle Roy: That’s a good girl!

Tracy: We got all the panties!

[ the girls jump onto the couch ]

Uncle Roy: Okay. Alright, give me the panty hats now. Uncle Roy has to play, too. That’s right! [ he puts a panty over his head and sniffs ] These are Terri’s… [ he puts another panty over his head ] And these are Tracy’s.

Tracy: [ laughing ] Oh! Uncle Roy always guesses right!

[ the girls put panties on their heads ]

Uncle Roy: Now, girls, I’ve got an idea! Goofy Uncle Roy Cousteau is going to take the Goofy Sisters for a ride in the glass-bottom boat! This is for the back page of the Goofy News!

Terri & Tracy: Yayyyyy!! Yeah, that’s good!! Here we go!!

[ Tracy and Terri pull up their pajamas and sit on top of the glass coffee table, as Roy lies down underneath and begins to take pictures ]

[ suddenly, Better re-enters and approaches the scene ]

Betty: I hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Terri & Tracy: Hi, Mommy!! Hi, Mommy!!

Uncle Roy: [ panicking, still underneath the coffee table ] I can explain EVERYTHING!! Uh…

Betty: There’s no need to explain. I know a Goofy Sisters phot session when I see one. [ amused ] Roy, what you let these MONSTERS get away with! [ Roy crawls up to the surface ] Oh, now, girls… you should be more respectful of your Uncle Roy. Now, anyway, it’s WAY past your bedtime! Now, MARCH! Come on!

Terri & Tracy: Ohhh, okay…

Tracy: Good night, Uncle Roy! Please come back! Don’t forget us!

Uncle Roy: Good night! Sweet dreams!

Terri & Tracy: Good night, Mom!!

[ the girls kiss Uncle Roy good night and run upstairs ]

Betty: Oh, dear… [ she chuckles ]

Uncle Roy: What are you doing back so early, Betty?

Betty: Well, the fact is, Roy, I couldn’t face making small talk when the real truth is… [ she removes Roy’s panty hat ] Oh, I hate to burden you with this, Roy, but… [ she sighs ] I think I’m on the verge of a divorce.

Uncle Roy: [ stunned ] What do you mean?

Betty: This is the third microsurgical convention in two months. Roy, I’m convinced that Arthur’s seeing someone else.

Uncle Roy: You deserve BETTER than that, Betty!

Betty: That’s why I thought I’d leave Arthur and move back to San Francisco with the girls.

Uncle Roy: [ alarmed ] NO!! NO!!

Betty: Oh, I know what you’re thinking, Roy! I’ll be uprooting them, taking them out of school…

Uncle Roy: Call me an old fogey, if you will, but marriage is for KEEPS! [ he grabs the panty hat from her ] You’ve GOT to think of the girls! That’s who I’m thinking of.

Betty: You know… you’re right? I guess I was just being selfish!

Uncle Roy: [ hopeful ] And you won’t take the girls away?

Betty: [ thinking ] No, I… guess I’ll stick it out. Thanks for the shoulder, it’s… it’s a shame every family can’t have an Uncle Roy. You’re one in a million!

Uncle Roy: [ slyly ] Oh, there’s… more of me than you might suspect! [ he holds the panty hat to his face and smiles ]

[ zoom out on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next… Cable Tunnelvision” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Week in Review

Paul Heverly…..Bill Murray
Dick Drake…..Harry Shearer
Countess Luciana Palermo…..Jane Curtin
Leon Satin…..Garrett Morris
Hugh Gaffney…..Buck Henry

[ open on panelists whispering among themselves over jazzy music ]

[ camera zooms in on Paul Heverly as the music fades ]

Paul Heverly: Good evening. Welcome to “Week in Review”. I’m your moderator, Paul Heverly. Well, it’s been a busy week in the news, and, uh, we have a lot to discuss. I can see that our panelists are anxious to get started, so let’s introduce them. First, our regulars: from The New York Post, Dick Drake.

[ SUPER: “Dick Drake (Pseudonym) New York Post” ]

…from the Midnight Globe, Countess Luciana Palermo.

[ SUPER: “Countess Luciana Palermo (Pen Name) Midnight Globe” ]

…from the National Enquirer, Leon Satin.

[ SUPER: “Leon Satin (Nom de Plume) National Enquirer” ]

…and our special guest, making his first appearance on the show, political analyst for the New York Times, Hugh Gaffney.

[ SUPER: “Hugh Gaffney, New York Times” ]

Paul Heverly: Is that your real name, Hugh?

Hugh Gaffney: [ confused ] Yes.

Paul Heverly: Huh. Huh. Well, Dick, let’s start with you: What’s the week’s top story?

Dick Drake: Well, Nick, I’d say this week’s top story HAS to be the woman whose baby was eaten by the German Shephard.

Paul Heverly: Now, Dick, you followed that story perhaps more closely than the rest of us. Was she a Devil worshipper?

Dick Drake: No. No, no, no. There was some speculation to that early in the week, but, in essence, she was a heroin addict, she simply left her alone in the apartment for several days with the German Shephard. I think every analyst would agree the dog had nothing to eat, and as a result ate the child.

Leon Satin: Uhhhh — man, you really think that’s a bigger story than the DIET that lets you eat ALL the chocolate you want… and STILL lose twenty pounds a week? Hmm?

Dick Drake: Well… let me put it this way: If there’d been one more just slightly bizarre twist the the German Shephard story —

Leon Satin: Yeah.

Dick Drake: Let’s sayyyyy she’d been on her way to the prom, for example, or… just won the lottery the night her baby was eaten. I think we’d be talking about one of the most significant stories of the year.

ountess Luciana Palermo: More significant than Loni Anderson’s operation to reduce her breast size?

Dick Drake: Well, I just don’t think anybody was surprised by that, believe it or not.

Hugh Gaffney: [ interrupting ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! But… wouldn’t you say that the TOP story was the Presidential race, that Carter and Reagan seem to have nailed down their parties’ nominations! [ he smiles satisfactorily but gets no response ]

Paul Heverly: Well, Countess, your paper ran a very big story this week on the Kennedy campaign.

Dick Drake: Yes, Nick! As you know, we learned that immediately after the accident at Chappaquiddick, the first person Teddy called was not his wife or a close advisor, but an attractive, busty German divorcee Helga Wagner.

Paul Heverly: I understand your paper printed a verbatim transcript of their phone conversation?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, yes! It was a psychic reconstruction of the conversation, which we ran completely unedited.

Dick Drake: Countess. Am I wrong on this, or was she on her way to her Senior prom when she received the phone call from Kennedy?

ountess Luciana Palermo: Oh, nooooo. But wouldn’t it have been something if she HAD been?

Paul Heverly: Leon, with the summer months coming up, can we look forward to any more cattle mutilations or hammer murders? Uh, perhaps some manifestations of the spirit of Elvis Presley speaking through people’s air conditioner vents?

Leon Satin: Uhhh, certainly, man! It’s going to be a loooooong, hot summer! No question about that. BUT! I think the story that’s just NOT going to go away… is 10 Ways to Beat the Heat!

[ the panelists agree, as Hugh waves his hand ]

Paul Heverly: Hugh? You have a thought?

Hugh Gaffney: Yes. I’m sorry, I just can’t help but think that the economy is one of the major stories at the moment, simply because it affects SO many people.

[ the panelists stare silently at Hugh ]

Dick Drake: Well, I think perhaps what Hugh is trying to get at, is that when times are tough, people will be under a lot of emotional pressure. I think, if it’s me, I think we’ll see MORE stewardesses thrown in front of suburban trains, MORE groups of Japanese tourists doused with gasoline and set on fire — I agree with you.

Hugh Gaffney: Uh, no — I was thinking more of the effect of the recession on the average family.

ountess Luciana Palermo: [ excited ] Ohhhh! You mean like the Detroit auto worker with eight kids, who was laid off from his assembly-line job!

Hugh Gaffney: Yes!

ountess Luciana Palermo: And he went a little crazy, murdered his entire family and buried them in the neighbor’s back yard!

Hugh Gaffney: No! No!

Dick Drake: If I’m not mistaken, Countess, wasn’t that the night of his eldest daughter’s Senior Prom?

Hugh Gaffney: NO!

Dick Drake: No, I recall that.

Hugh Gaffney: That’s not — that’s not it!

Paul Heverly: Hugh, this sounds like a fascinating story. But, uh, unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. Perhaps you could come back on the show and you could tell us the story of this insane auto worker.

Dick Drake: I’d like to hear more about that.

Hugh Gaffney: I — I —

Paul Heverly: I’d like to thank our regulars — a berzerk auto worker! — I’d like to thank our regulars and our special guest. Hguh Gaffney. Good night from “Weeke in Review”.

[ jazzy them music pots back up, as a disgruntled Hugh Gaffney rises to shove copies of the New York Times into his briefcase ]

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] For a transcript of this program, send 75-cents to:
THE WEEK IN REVIEW
Suite 200 G
Palm Court Motor Hotel
Hollywood, Florida ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Trader Nick’s

Nick “Lava”…..Bill Murray
…..Paul Shaffer
Prince Amanawahu…..Akira Yoshimura
Iris de Flaminio…..Jane Curtin
Richard Posniak…..Buck Henry
Lenora Posniak…..Laraine Newman
Joe Daddy…..Al Franken
…..Yvonne Hudson
Farrell Jones…..Garrett Morris
Kathy Gorley…..Gilda Radner
Woman at bar…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Trader Nick’s, as Nick the Lounge Singer performs ]

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]
“He’s a cop from Oaho, who gets lots of sun
Famous Steve McGarrett!
And he packs a gu-u-u-u-un!”

Come on, Paul!

“If you need his number
It’s Hawaii Five-0!”

Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Trader Nick’s, a little bit of the Hawaiian Islands right here in the Buffalo-Niagara Falls area. I’m your host, Nick “Lava”, and I’ll be humping my volcano ash for you, for the next little while or so. Hot day today? I know I built up a Hawaiian-sized thirst. I hope you take advantage of our exotic Polynesian specialties here at Trader Nick’s. THe man who put the “hi” in “Hawaiian”, a full-blooded Hawaiian — Prince Amanawahu. How you doing, Prince?

[ pan over to Prince Amanawahu working the blender ]

He’s busy working his magic right now, so let’s ask one of the prince’s lovely barmaidens — Princes Iris? [ Iris de Flaminio looks up ] Princess, would you point us down the dark road tonight?

Iris de Flaminio: [ husky-voiced ] Sure thing! For a night you may not remember, but you’ll never forget… I recommend the Kamikazee or the Missionary’s Downfall. But if you really want to get out of the blocks fast, try Trader Nick’s specialty — the Coconut Head Butter. It’s got three different fruit juices and five ounces of Bacardi 1-5-1. I gotta serve the drinks, Nick.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] Yes, you do! And tell her why, Paul.

[ singing ]
Oh, you may be the ambassador to England or Paree, France
You might like to gamble down in Atlantic City, you might like to dance disco-style.
You might be like Mohammed Ali, the heavyweight champion of the world
Or you might be at Trader Nick’s, serving insane guys and girls!
But you’re gonna have to SERVE somebody!”

Iris de Flaminio: [ singing ] “SERVE somebody!”

Nick “Lava”: And on a night like this, you young fellows are gonna have to TIP somebody, too! HUh?

Iris de Flaminio: TIP somebody, I’m SERIOUS!

Nick “Lava”: [ singing ]
“You might be prince of a lifetime, or a couple of Navy frogs
But you’re gonna have to serve somebodyyyy!”

Somebody… anybody… for heaven’s sake! [ the room claps ] Hey! Aloha! Aloha, folks! How’s it going? How are you?

Richard Posniak: Oh, I guess we’re alright, this is our second Fog Cutter.

Nick “Lava”: [ laughing ] What’s your name, and where are you from?

Richard Posniak: I’m Mr. Richard Posniak, and we’re from Room 208 in the Castle Court Motel, just across the highway. [ he holds up his room key ]

Lenora Posniak: I’m Lenora Posniak. We have three kids in the room who finally fell asleep, and we’re here to forget the day!

Nick “Lava”: [ chuckling ] Having trouble on the vacation or something, huh?

Lenora Posniak: [ aggravated ] It’s not vacationing! We were relocated today from the Love Canal.

Nick “Lava”: Well, I’ll tell you… I’ve been following that story, and, you know, boy, I got a scare the other day. All of a sudden, I got one of these headaches in the back, everything tensed up, I started to go black, I thought: “Oh, my God! You know? Love Canal.” And then I realized, I’d been chugging frozen coladas all day! So, you know, I just cut back on my pace, and I’m fine now.

Richard Posniak: Good for you, Nick. How would you like to buy a 3-bedroom house real cheap?

Nick “Lava”: Hey — another round of Fog Cutters for this couple. They’re on Uncle Sam. This one’s for you, huh? Let’s do it. Hey, I hope you don’t move in with those Cubans, that would really be too bad.

[ Nick stands and sings ]

“Kiss today goodbye
And forget about tomorrow.
You did what you had to doooooo
Won’t regret!
Can’t forget!
What you did for love.
What you did for love.
What you did for love.”

Bless you. Thank you. [ to a group of high-schoolers ] Hey! What’s happening over at this table?

Teens: [ chanting ]
“We’re poison ivy!
It’s our thing!
We do what we want to do!
Yayyyyyyyy, canker sores!”

Nick “Lava”: Okay, calm down, fellows. We’ve been very nice about not checking ID tonight, so let’s all behave and act like the nice mature, responsible adults I know you are. What’s your name, fellow?

Joe Daddy: Joe Daddy, Co-Captain.

Nick “Lava”: Okay. And who are you? Could you stand, please?

Yvonne Hudson: [ she stands ] Hi, I’m Yvonne Hudson, and this is my Love Jones!

Nick “Lava”: Love Jones?

Farrell Jones: [ standing ] Yeah, that’s right! Farrell Jones, Co-Captain and all-around love messenger! Uh, him and me, we’re co-captains of the baseball and the, you know, the football team.

Joe Daddy: Yeah, he played shortshop and halfback, and, uh, I was catcher and monster man!

Nick “Lava”: Well, that’s great. Enjoy, enjoy. And who is this lovely queen? Could you stand, please, lady? How are you?

Kathy Gorley: [ standing ] I’m, uh, Kathy Gorley, Senior Prom Queen.

Nick “Lava”: And how did you get to be the prom queen?

Kathy Gorley: How’d you get into show business, Trader?

Nick “Lava”: Well, I wasn’t elected unanimously! [ he laughs ] Well, you all nurse those Coconut Head Butters. Prom Night is a night to have fun, but let me tell you first sbout my prom, if you wnt to know about prom nights. I wrapped my old man’s Impala around an oak tree. I walked away, but my fiancee rode shotgun — she did not. The whole class went to her funeral two days later, it was a closed casket. So think about that later, on the way home. [ to Joe Daddy ] Do you have a theme for tonight’s prom?

Joe Daddy: [ sobering up ] Uh… “Stairway to Heaven”.

Nick “Lava”: [ to Paul ] Do I know that? [ Paul hits the piano ] Yeah. Led Zeppelin, right? I guess you’re probably a little too young to remember their first album, huh? “Communication Breakdown”? Well, enjoy. I’ll try to do it anyway.

[ singing ]
“And as we wind on down the road!
Our shadows taller than our soul!
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show!
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last!
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to rolllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!

And she’s… buying… a stairway… to heaven.”

[ the crowd bursts into applause ]

Aloha! Aloha! Aloha! Enjoy.

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “Coming up next: Saturday Night Live Garage Sale” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Buck Henry’s Monologue

… Buck Henry
Lucy Lawler … Liz Welch, SNL talent scout
Gary Lipton … Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill
Norma Jenkins … Mary Moore
Lee Mayman … Lee Mayman, scenic designer
Carl Quackenbush … Matt Neuman, writer
Robin Shurmerhorn … Robin Shlien, production assistant
Ron Waldo … Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks verymuch. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, thisis the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Liveprogram. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred andthird time that I’ve hosted. You know, I’ve alwayshosted the last show of the year and this is the lastshow of the year. Some people, in fact, think it mightbe the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groansand boos] But don’t worry! Because I’m here toannounce that Saturday Night Live will be back againnext year. [prolonged cheers and applause]

Not with the same people, of course. But with anentirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people toreplace the ones who were let go. And I’m sure – I’msure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya becausethey’re the cream of the crop of – of hundreds whoauditioned for the – the former producer and I – Ireally look forward to working with them and the newproducer in the years ahead, so let’s meet thesebright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland,Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans,rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joinsBuck, they stand with their arms around each other]Hi, Luce.

Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.

Buck Henry: I bet they’re going to be calling you “TheSweetheart of Saturday Night Live” pretty soon, Lucy.

Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I’m a littlenervous.

Buck Henry: That’s all right. It’s understandable.Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she firststepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I’llhelp you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumpshis hip against hers]

Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.

Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.

Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience andwalks upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! Here’s a guy who besides being a finecomedian, plays many, many musical instruments.Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearinga black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters andshakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how manymusical instruments do you actually play?

Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound outof about twenty instruments.

Buck Henry: That’s fantastic! [to the camera] Okay!Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage andjoins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally fromCincinatti, Ohio and here’s Norma Jenkins. [plumpAfrican-American woman in overalls runs outenthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you – haveyou done much television before, Norma?

Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti.But it was on the same station that Mike Douglasstarted on.

Buck Henry: Okay, well, that’s good enough for us. Isay: “Bye bye, Garrett Morris — Hello, Norma!”

Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air andjoins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! It’s time to meet a former member ofa fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman![short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirtthat reads: “I’M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU’RE NOT” enters andjoins Buck] How you doin’, Lee? Lee, I understand youused to be a former member of a comedy team.

Lee Mayman: That’s right, Buck. It was called Holmanand Mayman.

Buck Henry: Mm hmm.

Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.

Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody![Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage]Okay. Now, let’s meet a guy who bills himself as – as”The Walking Loony Bin” — that’s what it says anyway.Let’s meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man infrock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing animitation of Groucho Marx’s famous crouch and joinsBuck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next BillMurray?

Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] Icertainly hope not.

Buck Henry: “I certainly hope not”! If that’s the kindo’ comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we’rein for some big belly laughs this fall! [CarlQuackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let’s meetRobin Shurmer– [has trouble reading the cue card]Shurmer – Robin – Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette ina floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did Ipronounce that correctly?

Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it’s Shurmerhorn.

Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin.Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last -last, folks, but not least, here’s Ron Waldo![sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suitruns out and joins Buck]

Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.

Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a greatimitation of Don Pardo.

Ron Waldo: That’s right, Buck. [flawless imitation ofDon Pardo] “It’s Saturday Night Live!!!”

Buck Henry: That’s terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [RonWaldo joins the others upstage, by now they’re alllined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies andgentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of thefuture? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view theentire new cast lined up, waving to the audience whocheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward andraises a hand.] All of them – all of these kids aregonna be spending the summer at NBC’s Comedy Camp inupstate New York – studying assiduously under thesupervision of NBC’s dean of comedy workshops, Mr.John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fallbut – we’ll be right back!

[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buckjerks a thumb at them, nodding and smilingsupportively.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 20

79t: Buck Henry / Andrew Gold, Andrae Crouch & Voices of Unity

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Thank you all for coming! Good night… [ he holds his arm up ] and goodbye!

[ everyone waves sentimentally as the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, an encore presentation of “Saturday Night Live”, with host Howard Hesseman and musical guest Randy Newman. This is the original Don Pardo — you can tell by the way I say… “Good night.”

[ suddenly, Buck Henry steps off the stage, creating a pyramid effect as everyone follows him through the audience ]

[ the camera cuts to the exterior of Studio 8-H, doors opened and marked “Please Do Not Enter This Studio With Coffee or Food” and “No Smoking” ]

[ Buck Henry and the cast and musical guests exit the studio single-file and exit the camera rangr into their uncertain futures ]

[ the camera zooms in on the flashing “ON AIR” sign, which promptly goes dark as the last of the line exits the studio ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts